Original subtitles

You guys, it's Saturday,

which means we don't have summer school,

so we can spend the entire day getting OG wild,

and to make it the most OG, I called in

the final missing member of the original crew.

Both: Mae?

I'm the zero.

Peel to reveal, zero.

Wynn: It's your cousin Hugh!

I haven't seen that nerd in a while.

Andie: That's because my d-bag brother

made it so he never wanted to visit again,

but now that Alec is staying at his house,

my cuz could not wait to get out of there.

As soon as my chromosome crony arrives,

he's going to lead us to having the most epic summer ever

because we'll finally be a full foursome again.

Andie, Hugh is a major dweebo.

I'm down for Hugh's return.

While I savor being the only solo sausage in this clique,

he always made me look more of a snack than I already am.

- I can't wait to see what-- - Cuzzie!

Both: Cuzzie!

? We are the best, best, best ?

? Fixlers in the west, west, west ?

? We have such fun, fun, fun ?

? Bumping our bums, bums, bums ?

? Let's take a sec, sec, sec ?

? For three quick pecks ?

- ? Mwah, mwah, mwah! ? - What?

Both: I tried calling you!

Jinx! Jinx, you owe me a Coke!

Jinx, you owe me a Coke and a backrub.

It's not fair how you look so smooth,

but your personality's crust.

Andie, can I your cousin?

Oh, you guys!

We're all bonding! Isn't this perfect?

Now that we're OG, all we need to do

is pick the perfect list item.

The list? I could use my laminator on that!

Number 14 was "temp tats,"

which we can upgrade to...

"stay linked, get inked."

I don't know, guys.

Last time I played with needles, I got pricked.

then I got Hep C.

We've been talking about getting real tats

when I graduated since temps,

as in me and you, nobody else,

just the two of us?

Yeah, and now we are!

It'll be amazing.

We'll be foursome forever forged!

- Okay, so me and Andie-- - Totally.

You guys start brainstorming

while I go move Hugh into my new room.

No. Our new room.

You okay, my dude?

Why would I be okay when my best friend

promised to do something with me solo,

and now she's including a bunch of people

I don't care about?

Hugh: Is it gonna be like our slumber parties,

where'd you'd sweat in your sleep?

Whoa! What?

Josh! What are you doing?

Mr. Cool Beans?

What am I doing? What are you doing?

I mean, I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation

why you just came in riding on the back

of a pretty good-looking guy.

Josh, this is Hugh.

You know my favorite cousin, slash best friend,

slash soulmate? Not romantically.

He just gets me.

Oh, Hugh!

The guy that Alec always used to call

"Humongous fungus farts"!

Man, I really hate that guy.

We all do.

Are you guys holding hands?

Look, I know you probably want some privacy.

It's like the motivational poster in my room reads:

"When someone's nude, don't intrude."

Oh!

- Ow! - Hugh!

Yeah, that's definitely Hugh.

- You guys are close. - We're cousins.

He's my blood, and we're also a kidney match.

We've never been tested, I just know it.

Anyway, um, do you want to get back to

our plan for this afternoon?

Get back to basics...

finally have sex?

Look, you came all this way just to see me,

so I really wanted to spend the day with him and the OGs.

It's totally fine. Family comes first.

Hanging with the foursome's gonna cost you, though.

I found my hypoallergenic pillow.

Do you mind if I sleep on the right side of the bed?

Otherwise, I lay on my intestines and fart.

Humungous fungus farts!

Alec totally nailed it.

D, if you're gonna get inked, use my guy.

He did the Brat Pack's tat.

No, not Rob Lowe.

No, not Emilio Estevez.

No, not Molly Ringwald.

No, not Anthony Michael Hall.

No, not Ally Sheedy.

No, not Judd Nelson.

No, not Demi Moore.

It was Andrew McCarthy.

Andrew McCarthy.

Be at the Burrow, 8:00 pm sharp.

Hey, bunnies! You ready to party?

I said a-hip, hopple, and a bop

to the tippity-top of this b-day pop.

Sniff, sniff, a cottontail

lock drop!

Break it down, Peter Rab!

Here's a hoppy beer for your hoppy birthday.

Rubin! It's not what it looks like.

Okay, it is what it looks like.

Look, I had to take a second job.

Summer school doesn't pay enough

to support my calligraphy hobby.

My therapist always says,

"Do something special for yourself, Steven,

'cause your dad never will."

Look, just don't tell the foursome.

I don't want them to worry.

All right, what do you want?

A guaranteed A in English?

- Done. - "A"s, I attain.

What I want is a well-constructed testimony

cataloging what a perspicacious prize

I'd be for any Ivy.

What? You want me to write a letter of recommendation?

- I said "well-constructed." - Oh.

I want I to write a letter of rec,

and you to Hancock all over it.

If I do this, you'll cover for me and keep my secret?

I was thinking about donating to the ACLU,

but now, I'm all in favor for the Shaw-vation Army.

Ahh--ulp!

Andie, I know you were pondering white ink,

but glow-in-the-dark will look way more popping

on this ebony.

Excuse me?

Jaime and Cersei, hello!

I got Rubin's tat guy meeting us at the Burrow at 8:00.

- Look alive. - Both: Yes, Dakota.

Wynn's a stupid idiot,

so obvy her idea's nitched.

- Let's hear it anyway. - Thank you, Dakota.

I am erupting with excitement

to show you...

Mount Foursome-est.

No, no, no, no.

Fourcano!

We get it. Um, it's a volcano

for... friendship.

- Rad. - Yes! I wanted to do

something that represents how this clan makes me feel.

I'm just exploding with hot love!

And I know exactly who to shoot my load at.

Thank you, Wynn,

for completely fulfilling my expectations.

So you're up, Lannisters.

Ooh...

See, we kinda got really caught up in this...

awesome pillow fight.

There were feathers everywhere.

Really got my asthma going.

So I get down with making friendship tats a group thing,

and you two wanna play hooky?

It's NBD. We'll come up with an ace idea right now.

Both: Cousin twin-tuition!

Jinx!

Jinx times infinity!

That's why we drew the infinity sign,

- because when we were kids-- - When we were kids--

Next!

When it was just me and Andie,

you know, when Hugh and Wynn weren't here,

we talked about us two getting a unique tattoo.

- Remember? - Well, of course.

The triangle trifecta.

Each corner represented friendship,

mystery, and,

having each other's backs.

And with that, I give you...

my vision!

The Illuminati!

I thought it was a spaghetti restaurant.

Now I'm in for life.

It's everything we wanted, Andie!

I even added added the basics,

initials for your OG obsession!

Obsessed?

Uh, it's not exactly what I pictured.

Well, it would've been,

if you would've given me a hand,

instead of handying your cousin!

So what, am I supposed to stain my skin with these fails?

Okay, so whatever we're gonna decide on

will be super, super solid,

but maybe we should just take a minute

and think about it.

We can all come up with something

that we're super psyched about together!

- Cool? - Mm-hmm.

I already got my tattoo.

Hey, I got your text.

- Glad you got a minute. - Me too.

So let's make the most of this minute, yeah?

Okay.

You sure you're ready?

Wait! I kinda went too far!

What the frack, Jack?

Andie told me to cool down,

so I went upstairs to unpack

but everything was moving so quickly

and I froze. I'll give you guys space.

Instead of sleeping with Andie,

I'll sleep on the couch.

That's a good and very obvious idea.

No! Hugh's family!

You're not sleeping on the couch.

My mom turned my old room into a wine cellar.

- You know that. - That's right. I'm sorry.

I'll give you guys space.

It's like the motivational poster in my room reads:

"When a girl and boy are under the sheet,

you should probably leave. Don't take a seat."

Dude!

What is his deal?

What is your deal?

Hugh and I have been bunk buddies forever.

When you were ten years old, Andie.

What is with you Fixlers?

First it's your brother, who pretends to be

your secret admirer, and sends you photos of his--

- Don't remind me. - Fair, but now your cousin?

Hugh is nothing like Alec.

Hugh's the only family member

that I've ever gotten along with.

He's like the brother that I never had,

and then Alec had to be Alec and ruin it,

and Hugh stopped coming.

I need to make Hugh come again.

Oh, my God, are you even hearing yourself right now?

- What? - Okay, you know,

this is too weird, even for me.

So, you ever want to hang out one on one,

without another Fixler guy, you let me know.

Andie's the one who wanted to do this stupid list,

and now I'm being cast aside by Angelina

and her skeleton brother!

I know it's dated,

but it still stands!

Fine, it's whatever.

It just begs the Q, who leaves me out?

D, it's clear you're peeved, and any bae would be.

Andie promised you'd scar your skin together exclusively.

You two have talked about getting tattoos

since "squarts" and AIM.

She's always been your number one girl,

and now that number one girl

has made you feel like number none.

That's what I've been spitting about all day!

Only Andie's ignoring my camel.

Ugh! I need another voxy gin and toxy.

I'll get it. I want to gaze at my reflection

through the lens of a filled glass.

Gives you more curves than a mirror.

Oh.

You're my hero. Oh!

It'd be so embarrassing if Dakota saw me working--

wait a second. I can't give Dakota alcohol.

He's under age.

And he's my student, for crying out loud!

And so are you! Holy moley!

If the authorities arrest me, who's gonna wash my quills?

I enjoy watching authority figures fall from grace,

like when my older sister got divorced

and then ended up on "The Bachelor."

Lucky for you, you're not serving Dakota.

I am.

Ta ta, Shaw.

Rubin. Rubin. Rubin!

Rubin!

That took a ridic amount of time.

I gotta go get back to the treehouse,

so I can come up with genius tat ideas

that no one appreciates. See you later.

Oh, and that loser cocktail service roleplay?

Hmm. I'm still deciding.

Cocktail servers aren't losers.

Could a loser cocktail server do this?

Some lime? Aah!

Ohh!

Let's come up with an idea that we all love

that symbolizes this epic summer.

- Any ideas? - I have one!

As the motivational poster in my room reads,

"When you feel like you're searching for a sign...

take the things in your life, and just combine."

Hugh, I love it.

So smart of you to include everyone's designs.

You want us to get this

on your very average and my scorching hot bod?

Are you blind?

Here's a tattoo idea.

That's you up Hugh's butthole, or him up yours.

That's what this summer is about, right?

Okay, what's going on?

I thought out of everyone you'd be the most excited

to do this list item, but you're acting

way more Dakota-y than usual.

Me, more Dakota-y?

You're more Andie-y, completely self-involved,

getting amnesia on plans as soon as someone new drops in.

- What are you talking about? - You're a ditch bitch.

First Imogen, then Peg, now Hugh.

This tattoo was our thing.

I don't need something permanent on this temple

that reps our friendship, because obviously,

you don't give a damn about ours.

You know what? Neither do I.

Okay, where did that come from?

This fighting's messing with me!

During our cool-down, I got so heated,

I took a dump in someone's mailbox!

My tummy's sour too, and this time it's not IBS!

I didn't mean to upset Dakota!

Maybe we should hold on number 14.

What? No! We're getting tattoos.

Dakota will come around.

He storms off, like, all the time.

It's his thing. He'll chill out,

come to his senses, and then he'll realize

that he won't want to miss out on something

as epic as getting tattoos.

Right?

Guys, how fun is this?

It's so much fun, right? Right?

Don't worry, Dakota's gonna come through that hole

any minute now!

Any minute...

So much fun! Cheers!

Hello, plebeians.

Is that an apron with a tool set?

It's called fashion, Wynn. Look it up.

Where's D at?

Not the one in my pants, the one in my heart?

I thought he would show, but I guess not.

That's marked bizarre.

He's been keen on getting inked.

Had a filter picked out for his post and everything.

Wonder what fell through?

Anyway, my guy's about to make an entrance.

Is he licensed and everything?

Clean tools, nice bright colors?

He did Nicholas Brendan's sister's tattoo,

so how very dare.

Uh, my marbles are mixed.

Were you referring to your tat guy as a guy?

Gender's just a stripper's first name.

Kimmy, love the fanny, and I'm not talking pack.

This is the throng.

Hi, sweethearts. Is everyone scrubbed,

sanitized, shaved, sunscreened?

Does she even have any tattoos?

Oh, bless your little heart. I have 87,

but you'd never find 'em.

Rubin here told me all about you guys's friendship tattoos,

and that is the cutest thing I have ever heard

since creamed corn, and I love corn.

You know, as a tattoo artist,

you get a lot of drunks and dummies.

It's rare that you get a group

who wants something personal and meaningful,

but that's the kind of special bond you've got.

Best friends forever!

That's what it's all about, right?

So, did everyone agree on a design?

I guess you can leave out the D.

Hmm.

You know, next time, I should ask for the design

before I give my "It's real special" spiel.

Agreed. That is rank.

Anywho, are you kids ready?

Hoot and holler!

Gimme this. Yes.

Fresh meat.

- Wait! - Yes! Confessional!

Thank God you got me out of there.

I can't believe I almost just did that

without my best friend.

Remember when we were little, and we would chicken fight,

and then we got so into how good Team Handy was

that nobody challenged us anymore?

Oh, yeah. I would just stay there

sitting on your shoulders for hours.

People thought we were too exclusive,

and I don't want to make your friends feel left out like that.

You've been so good to me. I'd be really sad

if I came between you and Josh,

or especially Dakota.

You're totally right.

I was so excited by your entrance,

I was completely oblivious to Dakota's feelings.

I need to go find him.

Go to him.

What are you doing?

I was gonna fully trash this place,

'cause if you acting like garbage,

I'll treat you as such.

I heard you in there.

Look, I'm so sorry, Dakota.

Tattoos were our thing, and I totally ditched you today.

Today? You're dumping me like this trash on the reg.

You invited Wynn back into our lives,

'cause clearly, spending your last summer

with just me isn't epic enough for you!

- That's not true. - When you were boning Kent,

I literally went to an island

just to get face time with you.

- That was bad, yeah. - And now Hugh!

You're always putting the number four

in front of your number one, me!

I'm sorry, Dakota.

I've been taking you for granted,

and I swear, I'll never do it again.

You're my person.

I just got so freaked out

about the fact that this is our last summer together

as a foursome, and I thought that getting tattoos together

would be something that bonded us forever,

but you know what?

I don't need a tattoo to mean forever with you.

There's nothing more immortal than us.

And there's no way I'm getting something that signifies that

unless you're there with me.

Normally, I hate Draking,

but I loved that, and you.

You're one of the few peeps on my planet,

and it meant the most to hear it's mutual.

Rubin says Kimmy has to get her kit back to ballet,

so if we want these tats, we gotta move.

Hell yeah, we do!

After that display, there is nothing I want more

than to tag my body with an homage to our friendship!

Uh, I wanted to get the tattoo,

but I just kept getting in the way.

I'm going back to Alec and my bitch sister.

- No-- - Ugh! All righty, eye candy.

You're not going anywhere.

Besides, now that you're hot,

I'm not the only one in this group to up our average.

Now let's gather 'round,

and look at this inkin', I'm thinkin'.

Ow!

All of your placements, predictable.

- 'Scuse me. - Oh, I need this.

- Yes. - Yes, yes!

- Thank you. - 'Scuse-- aah!

Rubin: What?

Shaw's worked here all along?

Can you believe it? Oh, the drama.

Fine, you know what?

I work here. I admit it.

- I'm not embarrassed. - You should be.

Look, I just didn't tell you guys,

because I knew you'd worry about me.

We wouldn't.

And I didn't want you to lose respect for me,

but now I realize how silly that is,

because I know you'd never lose respect for ol' Shaw,

no matter what.

- There's puke in the bathroom. - Gotta run.

To our tats!

All: To our tats!

Ow!

Wow.

A permanent, forever tattoo.

- What do you think? - I think it's really sexy.

- Did it hurt? - A little.

- Are you still hurt? - About that,

I get there aren't a lot of people

in your family you can count on,

so I'm gonna try and be a little more supportive

about you and Hugh.

Speaking of, where is your cousin sleeping tonight?

- With my mom. - That's not better.

So, let's just get back

to what today was supposed to be about.

Let's get back to basics.

Mm! An-- An--

Is that your hand in my--

- Thanks, Hugh. - Is the moment ruined?

Yeah.

- Come here. - Sorry.

It's okay.

Ah, such a lovely day today, Steven.

Maybe today's the day your pen pal, Courtney,

finally sent you clogs from Holland.

Ugh! Poop?

Again?

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