Original subtitles

"The Fourth Season." Huh.

"Joshua and Andrea have been waiting

fall, winter, spring,

and now, the fourth season--

summer!"

Woman: ? Will you fight for me ?

? Like I'll fight for you? ?

Shaw: "The star-crossed lovers

had been anticipating this fiery culmination.

What sweeter time than dawn to commence such an act?

Joshua quivers in suspense.

Andrea heaves with nerves.

The forbidden fruit must be tasted,

and this moment must be perfect.

'Be gentle with your swollen staff

for my secret center is fragile.'

'I shall try, Andrea,

but my molten member

carries all of my desires.'

Alas, it wasn't yet meant to be.

Andrea bit her tongue in nervous anticipation

and Joshua's minty elixir stings her sore.

Regrettably the burning caresses are halted

as Joshua was spanked by Andrea's rouge.

It's almost as if Andrea and Joshua

don't want to plunge over the crest.

By why? They've dallied for four seasons."

You know what? Can you not?

Shut the up.

God.

That wasn't exactly how I pictured our first attempt going.

Yeah, I just feel like I was trying way too hard.

I just want it to be perfect.

Andie, the best part about you and me

is that it's never been perfect.

You don't have to do anything to impress me.

I think you're sexy in a typical T-shirt and jeans.

You sound like a country song,

but I'm into it.

You're into it.

Next time we try, can we just be us?

A hundred percent you is all I want.

I have one more request for the next time we try.

Mm-hmm, anything.

It's gotta be in my room.

Those are creep city.

You don't like them?

No.

Oh.

What about number 41?

We could update swimming in the watering hole

to skinny-dipping in Reuben's hole.

No, no, no, no, no, number 41

got me into major misfortune.

I thought it would be funny to put dye in the swimming pool

and Smurf everybody's skin.

And it was. I laughed till I cried.

But, for real, felt really bad about it later.

Lawless Lucy, no one cares about your troubles.

- You will respect me, Dakota. - Don't hold your breath.

Dakota. Wynn's a part of this. Climb aboard.

Or I could climb off board.

No, you made me dance in public.

I'm very excited for what else you have in store for me.

You're a part of my fun. You stay.

I know it's a complement, but I sounds like a threat.

I've got it. Number 69-- kiss and tell.

Ooh, I remember that.

That's when we decided to have our very first smooches.

Smooches. Who was I?

Oh, yeah, that one didn't get me into any hot water,

and this week doing the list

has been pretty drama free for me,

so I'm horny. Let's do it.

The most popping part about number 69

is 69-ing, then coming back here,

to scribe in the kiss-and-tell book.

No, me first, me first.

"'Wynn's Romp.'

Today my moms went to buy a new used PT Cruiser,

and I snuck off and met Roy.

He kept blowing all over me.

It was so hot.

Finally I deflated Roy

so he would stop being so wacky with his inflatable arms.

Once he was limp,

I kissed him.

Hard!

It took me almost a year to get over Roy.

It's like, 'Just call, man!'"

God Almighty. "'Dakota's Delight.'

Skipped history to make my own history.

Ordered Simon into the quiet room

for a saucy Simon Says.

Got my virgin lips locked

and I closed my eyes and thought of Jonathan Taylor Thomas

while he gave me my first handy,

blowy, backwards banjo, fluff and fold,

wiggly trombone, and bon app�tit."

My first kiss was with Alec.

You are not Courtney.

Give me this.

"'Andie's Adventure.'

Alec and Josh had a sleepover.

I waited up until Josh fell asleep on the floor of our living room

and knew I had to act fast.

I crept over and gave him a quick peck.

He woke up and I pretended I was sleep walking.

It scared him so much, he went home early."

Man, you kind of lip violated your boyfriend.

Eesh, even Wynn's entry is better.

No wonder I won the kiss crown.

I wouldn't get too comfy holding that crown, Dakota,

because I'm coming for it.

Literally.

I'm not the same little loser

who's bro-blocked her bajingo.

I've had men and I've got a man,

so let's upgrade this shit to...

Bang and Babble.

And while we're at it,

let's make that kiss crown the climax cap.

We may have a new tiara,

but the competition remains the same.

Let's talk terms.

Peen points should be given to the best bang in various categories.

Things like adventurous locations,

copulate with a cop,

number of partners,

how fast you blast,

and sucking on school property,

will score you extra peen points.

The person with the most peen points

wins the climax cap.

I may be new to the gang and new to the bang,

but I am putting my vag in the ring.

Speaking of rings, I just stuck a Nuva in

and I got mad hormones!

No one's gonna take my bone throne.

I'm the only queen in this tree,

and that's exactly how it'll stay.

I'm about to smosh Josh for the first time,

and you better believe the underdog's about to do doggy.

I'm going to win because I'm loco!

- Yeah. - Sounds about right.

True.

Let's go bang and babble!

But first, summer school.

What? No trouble means not ditching.

Didn't you graduate?

Why aren't you using this precious time

to get your precious crown?

Why aren't you out there boning and moaning?

Because my boyfriend's in this class, you choad.

Are you using me, D?

- I'm in. - Where is Shaw?

Let's get this show on the road, people.

I've got a crown to win and someone to do.

Something to do.

Hey, looks like we're in the same class together.

That's gonna be fun.

Yeah, just making in some time

to see my friends and Josh, my boyfriend.

Yeah, I know who he is.

He's the guy you publicly chose instead of me

when I sang you a song in front of the whole school.

Yeah, well, you know, to be fair you did make...

A bet. Yeah, I know. I remember.

Yeah, Kent, we said we were cool.

Yeah, but then we didn't really talk for the rest of the year, so...

Well, let's start now.

Any slammin' summer plannin'?

No, not really, except for getting the hell out of here. You?

Oh, we're just doing this old list thing

from when we were kids.

It's no big deal.

Losing your love virginity

to the man you were always meant to be with

is not big deal?

You're serving major laissez-fair realness.

Right, that summer plan

is really making me wanna focus

on my summer plan,

which is getting the hell out of here.

so... ...bye.

Probably a little too much info for my ex, yeah?

What can I say? I care.

No one "She's All Thats" my BF's BFF.

That's sweet, though I hope I'm more

than just your BF's BFF.

We'll see.

I'll take what I can get.

Oh, this class needs to finish quickly

so I can, too.

Mama's in heat and not the good kind.

Where the is the AC?

It is I.

Whoa, there.

Your instructor's here with bated breath.

Tonight you're mine with the first unit

of our summer English curriculum--

romance novels.

Now, the romance genre-- whoo--

is often forgotten,

but it's an extremely important cornerstone

in American literature

and the paper-book economy.

Ew.

You guys, you'll like it as much as I did.

"The Fourth Season."

It's about two star-crossed lovers

who spent the first chapters of the series

split apart by an evil sibling.

Jealous lovers,

obnoxious sidekicks.

But, now, after all this time,

these two lovers can be together.

Kent! Get up here.

Grab a stack and pass out these paperbacks.

And we'll take turns reading. We'll do popcorn style.

Mm, it'll be as delicious as that salty snack.

- Hey, Mr. Shaw. - Hey.

You know I was a senior, right?

Like, I should've graduated.

They said I had one more credit left,

and I've already done this class, so...

I'm actually shocked that you're asking this.

I mean, it should be perfectly clear

why I failed you.

Buddy, you don't speak English.

And this is an English class.

Australians speak English.

Then why don't I understand anything you're saying?

- What? - What?

- Y-You-- what? - What?

- I'm just gonna... - I wish there were subtitles.

Oh, my God.

Where was I? Oh, yes.

"Andrea had to leave Joshua

to meet her instructor Stefan."

"Andrea was to face off

the fiery saloon strumpet Winifred."

'Winifred and Andrea

are joined by the loose-lipped town harlot Daphne."

Why I gotta be the girl?

"The tantalizing trio sized each other up.

Shaw: "As the lesson went on and on,

Andrea and her floozies' minds

never strayed from the joust ahead of them."

"They yearned to ride and ride

and unleash their deep throbbing passion

for sport within."

"Unable to restrain her fancy any longer,

Andrea took off to her true love, Joshua,

for their long-awaited lovemaking."

I hate this book.

"And the joust at the babble brook commenced."

- The crown is mine! - "The crown."

We haven't gotten to that part yet.

I'm so pleased you all read ahead.

Woman: ? Will you fight for me ?

? Like I'll fight for you? ?

Shaw: "Joshua and Andrea dared to dive in again.

Joshua presses his muscular chest towards Andrea with gusto,

enveloping her in his sweet, masculine nectar.

Andrea returns his favor,

thrusting her top-heavy weight

onto her tiptoes to meet his urgent thrust."

Joshua: Put your whole fist in my mouth.

What?

I love it when you speak French to me.

Huh? What?

I don't know what you're saying.

Whisper into it.

Hey there, what can I get you?

A tall glass of you.

Court?

I'll take you straight up.

Damn, I'm a naughty little honeybee.

- You on the logs? - I'm all over this log.

Reuben and I detoured to the cafeteria after class.

That kitchen went from grade A to grade swole.

I found out what his mystery meat was,

and let's just say, don't use the five-second rule if you dropped your fork.

Well, give me the book because this entry is about to be way wackier

and much bendier than Roy.

Oh, yeah.

Let me see that.

You lost your virgini--

That's right. This bing-bong

had never been boinked.

Dakota: What?

I was more virgin than Mary

because, let's be honest,

that chick got knocked up.

Now that I'm out of Catholic school

and at an age where people can't go to jail

for real time, for enjoying my eggs,

I figured I'd nail getting nailed.

You know, even though you won 20 peens

'cause you got your angel wings clipped and clapped,

this race ain't over.

This may have started with Andie strong-arming me into listing,

but I'm having fun and keeping it level.

Keeping it level?

You lost your cherry to a random stranger.

Either way, I'm gonna be doubling those dongs. You heard?

Voulez who?

You whispered into what?

Yeah, it was not exactly

how I pictured our first attempt going.

- Attempt? - We didn't exactly seal the deal yet,

as we're still working out the kinks,

- emphasis on kink. - I totally get it.

My first time wasn't what I expected either.

What? Wynn, you lost your virginity?

- Shall I go get a cake? - Already ate some.

Read the entry.

I just gave in to the newness of it

and really went for it.

And it was a blast!

I can't wait to plow and chow again.

You know what?

I'm gonna win it and wing it.

I'm gonna un-prude my 'tude

and go full cream ahead with Josh.

Get ready for me to claim that cap.

She's about to get loaded up on peens, isn't she?

Didn't think she had it in her.

Time to step up my bang game.

Woman: ? Will you fight for me ?

? Like I'll fight for you? ?

Shaw: "Andrea, with newfound vigor,

caresses Joshua's mane

as every muscle in her cave tautens.

Joshua is delighted by her dominance.

He repays her kiss with the force of a thousand armies.

Shh.

Ooh, you stretching?

Yeah, just gotta get limber for the sex.

Catch me with your.

Wait. What?

Whoa!

Will you fight for me ?

? Like I'll fight for you? ?

- Eat me. - Yeah, you just gotta move the salami.

Nope, not better.

No, I don't like this.

Yeah.

Let it go, you ho! I have to make an entry!

You need to load up on your Jesus wafers

'cause you freak--

Reuben and I plowed through a Wendy's drive-through.

The vehicle was not in park.

When we finished, we drove away without paying.

Well, I went to the Rare Scare Fair,

where I found a hot dog vender

and we recreated the movie "Fear" in a roller coaster.

That cream coaster provided high-octane thrills

at speeds of up to 69 miles per hour,

and that's exactly how fast my cooch was clacking.

and the seatbelts were broken!

We sword fought at the movies,

front row center,

bathroom stalls,

behind an open concession stand.

I made my own movie,

front row in my center,

while eating concessions

in a bathroom stall!

I will win that crown, Dakota,

and you'll be forced to respect me

because I care a lot about what people think about me, okay?

That's never going to happen.

You'll never win.

"Wynn" is my middle name

and also my first name.

- So did you-- - No.

- Did you? - Definitely not.

- Did you-- - Well, just--

I know I told you to be a hundred percent yourself, but I--

Andie, that was not a hundred percent me.

I got nervous, and, I don't know.

I had all these ideas that I always wanted to try with you,

and they all just came out super jumbled

and just out of control.

Was that a hundred percent you?

No, not even close.

I just got really caught up in this list item

and trying to get peen points

because I kissed you when you were asleep and I was 10,

and I just wanted to prove myself, but once I got going,

- I couldn't reel myself back in. You know? - Wait. What?

Foursome stuff.

You included me in the Foursome list.

Yeah.

Look, Josh, I think maybe for our first time,

we should dial it back to a zero

instead of an upside-down 69.

Yeah.

Maybe we could try missionary?

Never heard of it.

Look, as much as I wanna stay with you right now,

can we push pause?

We're about to crown the best bang in Babbler.

Babbler?

You're not gonna tell the Foursome about any of this, are you?

No, of course not.

Okay, cool.

And then I said, "Catch me with your ,"

and he did.

- Wow, he did. - That's so cool.

Thanks for the enthusiasm, guys.

Only had a major transformation, but no big.

Major transformation?

I can't even tell if you actually got banged from your babble.

Yeah, was there actual penetration or nah?

A hard nah.

There was too much going on in between,

but we'll try again.

I gotta go ice my gooch.

Let's just get down to the good stuff. Who won?

Tied! How?

If you guys would just quit arguing for one second,

you'd realize that you're more alike than you think.

My turn.

Yes! I won. Redemption is mine.

- Congratulations. - I'm so happy for you.

Courtney?

I thought she was still in Finland.

Guys, Courtney and I got back together.

Isn't that wonderful?

I'm back in the group.

You know that's Mae, right?

Mae: Oh, yeah!

So when's the next special day for you and Josh?

Valentine's Day? Flag Day? You're birthday?

We know how you guys love to wait for the right moment.

Soon, real soon.

Shaw: Andrea and Joshua's tale isn't over,

not by a long, thick, hard,

throbbing, massive shot.

Girl, what the you doing?

Where this ring come from?

The end.

Well, this is inappropriate for class.

Man: Ya think?

Shaw, the episode ended, like, 10 seconds ago.

Leave.

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