Original subtitles

- Previously on Foursome.

After a week of partying on Beach Island

we needed to be reigned in,

which the weather took literally.

We got rained in.

A spooky log kept us preoccupied.

Well, kept them preoccupied.

Sorry. Go ahead.

I may have been mixing genres

while reconnecting with an old friend.

I wasn't too distracted, because I spotted

that our new visitor had ulterior motives.

And after a gentle talking to...

Come down here with us. You'll float, too.

Peg came around.

Luckily our horror story had a happy ending.

- Y'all get together!

I wanna snap a pic 'cause we look slick.

Scooch over and show some skin,

what's up with the mummy look, King Slut?

- Enjoy the UV death rays as I enjoy a future

of scrotum free looking skin.

- Now you're making them come for you.

- Dakota, stop. I'll do it myself. Dakota, stop!

- Ooh, damn, girl! That's what you been hiding?

Don't hide your cream, Twinkie.

- Kota, get my best side.

Justy.

Ooh, like what you see?

- Inside and out.

- Dakota, do you mind cropping all of you guys out,

editing my jelly, and sending it for Kent?

Oh, and you take a more chaste looking one

where I look like a dope conversationalist, for Josh?

- Hmm, which relationship sounds like more fun?

- They're both fun in different ways.

- Diggity dang damn dang! We look so good.

We're def the hottest mofos on this island.

? I can't shake you off, shake you off

? You're my rockstar

? I wanna get you off, get you off

? You're my superstar

? Turn the music up, bang that drum

? Let beat rock

? Four, three, two, one

? I'm ready for some -.

My ex, Marge.

? Four, three, two, one

? I'm ready for some fun

- Not trying to be George

but I'm hella curious.

You dated a girl?

And equally important, her name is Marge but she's hot?

- How is that possible?

I know all of your conquests and their ratings.

- Some tea just too painful to serve.

- Sounds good.

- Come on. - Dakota!

- Duly noted. In this group "no means no" isn't respected.

- Fine, I'll tell you. - Wait!

This story is one best served shaken.

We need booze, babes.

- Okay, you guys go do that.

I'll be right back.

- Where are you guys going? - Dakota?

Dakota Green, is that you?

- Oh, hey,

Marge Dubois.

How are you?

I haven't seen you since 7th grade,

after the breakup.

- Right?

Seems like forever ago.

Hey, I'm only here for the day.

Would you want to catch up

at the Oyster's Grotto?

Great!

Can't wait to hear what you've been up to.

- See you tonight! - Okay.

- So?

- She's crazy.

- Dakota! Wait up!

Overreaction much?

- Overreaction? Really?

Homegirl Cheshired me.

Bitch didn't stop smiling once. Not once!

If you only knew what she was capable of

you wouldn't be saucing me.

- So tell us.

- Yeah, I'm buzzed now.

I can listen.

- Fine!

I'll tell you vultures.

But the story of Marge Dubois is a tender one.

Be warned shrews.

It was in 7th grade.

Call Me Maybe was number one.

"Dakotees, you're the best boyfriend any girl could hope for.

"Sure, you yell at me when I eat carbs,

"but I know you do that so I'll be cool,

"just like you!

"I've never been happier in my whole life!

"I'm 13!

"Ugh. You're so extra!

"The only person that's this happy all the time

"is an Oompa Loompa,

"and I don't trust those cocoa hungry trolls."

She smiled the whole damn time!

And shortly after that moment, I broke up with Marge.

When I dumped her, she cut off all her hair.

Not in a Miley way, but in a Britney breakdown type a way.

Then she flung herself down a flight of stairs

and moved 3,000 miles away.

I did that.

Me. Beautiful me.

- You really feel so guilty

about what went down when you were children?

Then why don't you just go tonight and apologize?

- I said I was guilty, not stupid.

I'm not gonna risk my personal safety with that squirrel.

She's nuts!

- Okay, but if you did decide to bang a girl again,

it would def be me, right?

Aw.

No.

- - Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

- Creeper.

- I'll go get my supplies!

Internet stalking is what I do best!

- Where is she? She should be back.

Peg!

What have you been doing with the Foursome this whole time?

- Research. Nothing to report yet.

- Stan was right leaving me in charge of the Bulletin.

You don't have what it takes to lead.

- I am the definition of what it takes.

In fact I've zeroed in on Dakota.

- Excellent.

The member with the most incriminating evidence stacked up.

Most recently, sex with a teacher.

He's the clear target.

- So then why'd we go after Courtney first?

Shut up, Terry!

- Oh man, Dakota's ex-girlfriend is crazy hot.

Like sun hot.

I wish you could see her.

- I'm not seeing a lot right now.

Oh, I could eat chow mein off of those clavicles.

- What else would you eat?

Oops, Kent, hang on for a second.

- Okay.

- Hey, I just saw that photo you sent of Dakota's ex.

She's like sun hot. - Right?

That's exactly what I was saying.

Oh, hang tight.

Whoa. Yes, please.

- If I was there, I would start by nibbling your earlobes

and then

- I would worship your... - What?

- Yeah, I'm really digging being your friend.

It's amazing how much we have in common.

- Your turn.

- Okay, Mr. Naughty. Get a load of this.

Oh, oh my God! I was not expecting that conversation turn.

- Josh, look away! Look away!

- Honestly, I can't. - Kent?

- Ooh, Justy, look at this profile pic.

Don't you think that Marge is hot Cheetos?

Doesn't it melt your butter just thinking about her?

- Hey, hey, I only notice you. Okay?

And not just because you got a banging bod

but because of our connection.

You know? Mentally.

- Okay, yeah, but like Marge is a girl.

Like a lady girl!

Don't you wanna watch us make out?

Rub our stuff together!

Ooh! - Wait a minute.

We're in a monogamous relationship.

I don't want to watch you roll around with Marge

or with anybody.

You're more than enough for me.

You crazy bitch!

- Um, I am a female but not a canine.

So, that expletive isn't offensive, just incorrect.

- That's your last false alarm of this trip.

- I thought Marge was stalking me.

- My God, she's not a stalker.

Her Instagram's nothing but smiles and waterfalls.

- Girl wants me like Rebecca Black wants Friday. Can I just cancel?

I can't handle being responsible for yet another breakdown.

You could make it her choice to no longer pursue you.

Like when my Dad switched colognes,

I stopped sitting on his lap.

I'm almost positive it was intentional.

- I'll do anything not to feel guilty.

Okay, what'd ya got?

- Uh, you want me to come up with the plan?

- Yeah, you're the smartest one here. Not a compliment.

- I'm the smartest and I'm-- I'm a leader.

I'm the leader.

Everything about you is attractive, even to women.

To repel Marge, we need to implement some-- some strategy

to turn you into Bizarro Dakota--

your opposite.

- All right! Let's glow me down.

- - I don't know, but I've been told.

- I don't know, but I've been told.

- Doubt yourself, never be bold.

- Doubt yourself, never be bold.

- It wasn't a run! It was more of a march!

Dakota!

You are an incredibly secure and confident person.

Now you need a lesson insecurity.

Andie, you're up.

- Why me?

Yeah, okay, it makes sense. What do you want?

- To avoid Marge, sir! - Sir?

Rude! Wrong answer! You don't know what you want.

I'm gonna make you overthink everything you say.

By the time we're done,

you're gonna be totally overwhelmed with all your options.

You're not gonna know if you prefer

a mental or physical connection!

Inside jokes or super sexy foreign accents!

The guy who liked first who broke your heart

or the guy swiped your V Card!

- Andie.

- Okay, yeah. I made that about me.

Sorry.

- Hey! No whistles!

You exude too much mojo!

- You exude to much mojo!

- Time to tame your libido!

- Time to tame your libido!

- Halt!

Dakota, you are hypersexual

in decidedly non-sexual situations.

- What I do?

- You need a lesson in asexuality.

- Courtney!

Take it away!

- Oh, the sex one?

Sounds about right.

Now drop and give me 69!

- Okay.

- Up! Attention, soldier!

In order to keep your privates down,

make sure your eyes stay up!

- Dicking out is so not cool!

- Dicking out is so not cool!

- Go blend in, don't be no fool!

- Go blend in, don't be no fool!

- Down by the beach, there are some shells!

Some have magic and some are broken.

They're all pretty and I like sand.

- You are too good a conversationalist.

What you say makes sense, and if it isn't mean, it's typically funny.

You need to do the Mae!

Take it away! - Shh.

Add on to the convo with one word or less.

Make sure the word is quite absurd.

- Okay. I got this.

Fire.

That's it? - You ready?

- No!

Yes!

I don't know.

- Go get her.

Dakota?

- Never mind. I've been out following Peg,

and you'll never guess what she's been doing.

- Crib stomping! - Helping Dakota.

- What did you say? - Helping Dakota.

- Right. Yes.

Our little Harriet the Spy has been Harriet the Lie.

But, none the matter.

I found out more than just Peg's double crossings.

- Just tell them you're out. You can't be out.

The Bulletin is your ticket to the top.

No, but Dakota believes in you.

No, what have you worked this hard for, Peg?

You're not a quitter! - With Peg's guidance,

Dakota has changed everything about himself

because of an ex he once tormented.

- Why is that good? - Because you nincompoop,

if there's on thing Slacks hates

it's when a guy plays with a girl's heart.

She had a lot of non-committal relationships.

- So we... - Out Dakota in front of his ex!

Catch Marge going nuts on camera.

And show it to Slacks.

They'll be kicked out of the Brayer Lair for good.

- What about Peg? - What about her?

We get rid of the girl as soon as this is over.

- I do have what it takes.

What it takes to save Dakota!

This vacation has had

the nicest weather, the sandiest beaches

and the coolest people.

I feel like I've been talking this entire time.

Tell me 'bout you?

- Well, but, uh...

You know, weather.

Work.

- You are so funny.

- Yeah, huh.

You're a straight woman.

- Sir, I am so-- - Yo, Butterfingers,

you know you saw me!

I mean, I probably deserved that.

- De... ja.. vu!

Remember when we used to chug Mondos like that?

Funniest thing ever!

- Barnacle. - What?

- Armoire. - Sorry?

- Fire. You were saying? - Wow.

It's obvious that you have changed a lot.

- Yes. Yes, I have.

- I mean the old Dakota would have totally flipped

on that waiter when he spilled that drink on you, but not you.

You just took responsibility.

It's very sexy. - Very what now?

- And you haven't tried to touch me once.

Most guys are all over me, but not you.

- Not me? What?

- And most importantly,

you have let me have the floor this entire night.

When we used to hang out,

I could barely get a word in but

you've made me feel like this is all about me.

You know, I thought this was just gonna be a night between old friends,

but you've obviously changed a lot and honestly,

it's turning me on.

- Turning what? I'm uncomfortable!

- Then let's get more comfortable.

Come back to my place!

- I don't know what to do here.

- Pardon!

Have you seen a boring guy

who's completely insecure and nonsexual

and the immensely attractive woman he was with?

- You mean Marge?

Of course, they had two Slippery Nipples

and went to this hotel.

- Huh. - Here is their room number.

- You should look into becoming a journalist.

Your attention for detail is impressive.

- She was so hot.

I'm gonna go to her hotel room after my shift.

- Great. Thanks for the info.

- Thank you, Peg.

You're going to lead me right to them.

- Shall we drink? - I have to make a call.

- I'm gonna put on mute.

Okay? - Why?

- So we can use one sense to enjoy-- our sight.

- Okay, keeping it fresh. I like it.

- Hey, I guess we're not Skyping because of the whole

when you fell and

I actually don't know what happened.

- Yeah, it was just a loose stitch.

Let's just pretend that it didn't happen, okay?

Just enjoy the convo?

- Okay, so today when I was playing football...

- Hannah Montana. Best of both worlds.

- Nowhere near as hot as you...

- Shall we dance?

- I have to make a call.

- Don't want to hook up with other girls?

I'll be the other girl!

Hi.

I'm Marge.

- You don't have to do all of this. Okay?

I have a feeling you think I'm like

a lot of these dudes you've dated, and I'm so not.

I like you because you say things like, "Did she melt my butter?"

And you have a three-step plan for any scenario.

Unless you want to be uber-sexual,

which I fully support,

you don't have to be.

I just kinda feel like you're doing it for me.

- This has never happened to me.

I feel like Tyra Banks when she stops being a mannequin.

Justy, you totally melt my butter.

- Oh.

- My brain butter.

Ooh, wait.

Can we just, cuddle? - Yeah.

- Should we neck? - I have to make a call.

I guess I'm doing this!

Stop what you're doing!

- Who the hell are you? - My tiny guardian angel?

- That man is not who he says he is!

He has personality conned you.

Dakota Green is confident, overly sexual,

and a conversationalist.

You can go crazy now. - Eh, go crazy?

Okay, Dakota, what is going on?

- He's right, Marge.

This isn't me.

- You lied to me so I would sleep with you?

- Yes! I made you lose your mind.

Go crazy!

- Sleep with you? What girl? I'm gay!

- No, no he's not! He's not gay!

He's insecure, nonsexual and absurd.

But most of all not gay!

See?

Oh.

- Okay, Dakota, who are these bookmarks?

- Just keepin' it real,

I have no idea what's going on with these two.

But I do know that I've been lying to you.

I just know how hard you took the breakup last time.

I didn't want you to go nuts if you knew

I wasn't interested... again. - What are you talking about?

I was the most fine anyone has ever been when we broke up.

- Girl, please. You threw yourself down a flight of stairs.

You cut off all your hair, and then you left town.

- I literally fell down two steps into a pile of my brother's gum,

which is why I cut my hair.

I moved because I'm an army brat,

which I love about myself.

- Say what now? - Typical Dakota,

making everything about you!

I need a drink, and when I get back,

I'd rather you not be here.

I'm going to turn this night around,

making it the funnest ever.

- What? - Oh sorry.

- Ooh!

- I hope you enjoy who you currently are... in the gutter!

'Cause guess what, double crosser.

Just like the end of a one season

of an MTV series, you're finished.

Have fun finding a place to stay.

Slacks...

- Dakota, I am so sorry.

I over heard Divit's plan

and I-- - Girl, hush!

You just went all tiny superhero

and horned me up with that pathetic attempt at a kiss.

You have nothing to apologize for.

- But, uh, now I have no place to stay.

- Ugh, what part of "hush" do you not comprehend?

You're coming with me. The Foursome looks out for one another,

and that's exactly what you did tonight.

You're one of us, which is necessary for our title.

Uh, ah ah! No, no!

- Oh. Oh, we don't? - Uh-uh. Never.

- And then the owners were like,

"Why do you have our cat?"

And I was like, "Whoops," you know?

Dakota, we saw your missed calls.

- I've got news.

She's gonna be staying with us for the rest of the trip.

- That's great! - Welcome little bun!

- You can share my bed.

- Ooh, Dakota! Serve the buffet.

What happened with Marge?

Such a stupid hot girl name!

You guys are right.

She isn't crazy.

She just had a bad taste in bae.

She didn't even flinch when she found out I was gay.

- Oh, Kota,

if you ever broke up with me, I'd lose my goddamned mind.

- Ditto.

- I would surely be distraught.

- Aw, Peg.

I love you idiots.

- Huh. So this is a hug.

- I love you Dakota!

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