Original subtitles

High school's like a good selfie

Sure, you can do it on your own,

but if you really want to crush it,

you have to surround yourself with your best friends.

These are mine.

Imogen... we're next-door neighbors,

and this is her first year of public school.

She's adjusting.

Courtney, my brother's girlfriend...

she shouldn't even be here.

She graduated last year, but can't seem to stay away.

Dakota... his advice is top-notch,

and he's the gayest straight shooter at Brayer.

And Andie... me,

just trying to land a boyfriend.

before I graduate.

This is my foursome...

the nonsexual kind.

Ew.

- Oh.

Aah!

Alec? God, you're like an abstinence umbrella

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, little sis.

Okay, the only thing that scares me

is your hyper-focus on my relationship status.

I swear to God, if it even reads "it's complicated"--

- Babe! - Hey, babe.

- Mm, mm! - Ew.

Hey! Little sis!

- Stop. Courtney, we're not related.

- Andie, I've been dating your brother, like, forever,

and I've known you since braces.

We're basically blood twins.

- I don't even know what that means.

- Andie, the top looks a little, uh, low-cut, don't you think?

Looks like you're asking for it.

- I am asking for it, Alec.

- What?

- Babe, she looks adorable, okay?

Just leave her alone.

- No, Alec, what are you doing?

Stop. - All the staple removers--

Alec.

It's because he cares.

- It's a good look, kiddo.

"Kiddo"?

- Got it. Camel toe epidemic--

are high-waisted pants really to blame?

What do you think?

Think this'll be a good segment for our show?

- W-w-wait. I know I've only been in school for one month,

but there's already an epidemic?

Okay, okay, okay, where do I find the camel toe pamphlets?

In the Nurse's. I will go get one.

- Take it easy, Homeschooled.

Camel toes aren't contagious...

although your pants would beg to differ.

Well, I am totally sister-zoned.

Guys!

Guys, guys.

Alec has made it, like, completely impossible

for me to get any play until I graduate.

You know what was happening to me

when I was walking down the hallway today?

I was giving DSEs to, like, every single guy I saw--

- District state elections.

both: No. - No, Google it, Homeschooled.

- It's like Alec thinks it's his responsibility to protect me

ever since our dad left, which, unfortunately for me,

means invoking the Bro Code--

you know, like, bros before hos, except I'll never be a ho

because of my bro, and I'm gonna die a virgin.

- Actually, my mom says that hoes are also garden tools.

So, if somebody ever calls you that, you can be like,

"Oh, well, thank you for appreciating my green thumb."

- Andie, I'm sorry. I really can't with this one.

I really can't. - Dakota, Dakota.

- I can't. I can't. - Dakota...

Imogen is one of us now.

She's one of my oldest friends,

and I promised her mom I'd look out for her.

Back to the real issue. I'm sister-zoned.

And did I even mention that Alec

totally embarrassed me in front of Josh today?

- Honey, how many times are we gonna have this discussion?

All right, Josh is a Furby in an arcade claw machine.

You have to get through some of those wack, disgusting,

irrelevant stuffed animals before you can get that Furby.

- Yes, and, plus, he's Alec's best friend.

I mean, how would you feel if somebody tried to date me?

- Imogen, it's not the same thing.

- I'm dateabl-- - No.

No, not the same thing.

Andie, look...

All right, so Josh and Alec aren't really the problem.

The problem is you.

I mean, you go full lemon face around the male species.

- It's not my fault.

Josh is the only guy that Alec lets me talk to,

and I can barely form a sentence around him.

He's just so cute,

and he's different than Alec's other friends.

Josh is just so--

- Josh is what?

- Giving me a ride home from--from band camp,

from band camp, yeah.

both: Band camp. - Yeah.

- You don't play an instrument.

- I know. That's why I need band camp.

- Cool.

- By the way, doesn't "going to college"

mean you occasionally have to attend class?

- Actually, that's the opposite of what being in college means.

Besides, you guys, we're a foursome.

If I was always in class, we wouldn't be a foursome anymore.

We'd be, like, a threesome and a "onesome."

- Hey, hey, Courtney, yeah, we were a foursome,

but, you know, people get older.

You know, things change,

and, you know, older people go away to college.

- No, no, older people maintain their friendships

'cause it helps with longevity.

- No, we're talking about how your boyfriend

is making it impossible for Andie to land a date.

- Don't blame Alec, okay?

If Andie wants to cruise,

she needs to become forbidden fruit...

you know, like, a star fruit or a kiwi or a jackfruit.

- Like Adam and Eve.

- Lightbulb!

Andie, we will get a college guy to come to Brayer

and pretend to be your boyfriend.

And then, bam, all the boys at Brayer are now noticing you

as someone else's property.

Come on, let's see what we're working with here.

Okay, we definitely need to show some more ta-tas!

- No, no. - Put those babies up!

- Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

I would say I should've knocked, but this is my classroom.

Andie, what gives?

I gave you the keys to the media room for "Cup O'Brayer."

Did I make a mistake? - No, Mr. Shaw.

We were just editing a segment--

I don't need to hear the details, all right?

What I do need is for y'all not to ditch class

and then come in and hang out in here,

because it comes back to me.

- Uh, Steve? - Dakota...

I've asked you repeatedly. Don't call me Steve.

Uh, Courtney.

- Courtney, come on, you know the drill.

- But, Mr. Shaw, these are my friends.

- If you don't go to school here, you can't hang out here.

- Mm-hmm. You know who else

hangs around schools they don't attend?

Pedophiles.

- Hey, what's up? - Hey.

- I texted you at noon and never heard back.

I know, baby. I was in school.

Right.

Duh.

It's just-- you posted this pic of you

and two freshmen butter faces.

- Oh, right. Right, right, right, yeah.

Um, Mrs. Patel was totally on my nuts.

She took my phone.

- That is so annoying.

- Yeah, it's annoying.

- I just want to make sure I'm getting this right.

Mrs. Patel posted your pic,

and Mrs. Patel captioned it "me and my main hos"?

- You know, Court, I only have ten minutes

before practice, baby,

and I chose to spend this time with you.

You know, I want to make it special.

- I know, babe. It's just-- I feel like I'm telling

you something, and you're not really listening

to what I'm saying. - You know what, Courtney?

Did you IUD release an extra dose of estrogen?

Because you're being crazy!

That happened twice, and you promised

you wouldn't bring it up again.

- I can't deal with this right now, Court.

I got to go to practice. I cannot deal with this.

- You don't get to pick when we're done talking, babe.

I have more to say. I love you, babe!

It's cool, everybody. We're cool.

Hey.

- Hey, Andie. - Hey, unlock it.

- Just don't-- Okay, just don't--

just don't press the door when I'm doing it.

Just stop--If you just don't pull the door--

Just one second. Take your hand off the knob.

Okay, cool.

God, your brother is being such a chode.

I'm busy. I don't have to spend all my time at Brayer, you know,

but--but men have needs.

I'm basically his genie.

I made an exception for your brother,

because I developed, like, hella early,

and I cougared it for him because I thought he could be--

- Hey, Courtney, sorry, sorry, but are you taking me home now?

- No. Remember? Fake boyfriend.

- No, no, no, no. - Courtney, I don't want to--

- This is both important and fun.

It's on like "Donkey Kong."

- Are you sure they're gonna show?

- Stop fidgeting. They're Beta Delta Psi pledges.

Of course they're gonna show. They totally owe me.

- Why?

Let's just say they don't let virgins rush.

Pledges, good evening.

Thank you all so much for being here with us tonight.

Hello, Courtney.

- Our big brothers told us if we didn't come, we'd get paddled.

- That's true.

Gentlemen, it has been an incredible

two minutes here in my dorm room.

But I only have one rose to hand out.

After this, all but one of you will be going home.

I wish you all the best.

And without further ado, here's Andie.

- I'm here today to-- - Louder, Andie!

- I'm here today to pick one of you to be my fake boyfriend!

- Uh, even though we're playing your fake boyfriend,

you're gonna us for real, right?

- Bachelor Number Three...

- Blondes.

- As my fake boyfriend,

you'll be kissing me on the mouth.

I mean--I mean, we'll have a kiss,

share--share a kiss.

Bachelor Number Two...

what do you do to prep before a kiss?

- I like to fluff my stuff,

so that when I lean up against you,

you can really feel what I'm packing.

- Oh, that's thoughtful.

- Do you even go here?

- No, I'm a townie,

but I can get you guys beer.

- Bachelor Number Two, get!

- Okay, I'm going. Jeez.

- Courtney, who are these guys?

Does everyone act like this? Because I am not ready for this.

- You need to ask them something sexy.

- Okay, uh, sexy. Okay.

Boxers or briefs?

- Boxers.

- Briefs. - Commando.

- Oh, my God, okay.

- Will the three bachelors who just dropped their pants

please get out of here?

And now for the final rose...

Andie, when you're ready, select your suitor.

- It's, uh, pretty much just me, so makes it easy.

- Yeah, so, Bachelor Number One, Eric,

before you accept this rose,

we're gonna be kissing in front of a lot of people,

so I need to know I can trust you.

- Okay, I will see you tomorrow, girlfriend.

- Andie, I cannot believe you're gonna kiss a complete stranger.

I mean, what about cold sores? What if Alec sees him kiss you?

Oh, my God, he's gonna kill him.

- Thanks for your concern, Imogen,

but Courtney promised this would get me out of the sister-zone.

So, if you could please stop talking

about mouth herpes and homicide, I'd really appreciate it.

- Who's that?

- So mature.

- I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating biscuits.

- This is my girlfriend.

Whoa.

I can't believe that actually worked.

- Aah! - Alec!

- Get off Alec's sister! - She's just a kid, you perv!

- Oh, my God. Alec, get off of him!

- This was not worth it!

- Hey! That's my sister you're talking about!

- What's going on?

- Just my brother ruining my life.

- Mm. Yeah, I saw.

Here's a helpful hint.

Maybe don't make out with guys at school.

I'm just joking, kiddo.

- I am seriously in a worse situation now

than when we started.

Now every guy will know what will happen to them

if come near me, and that was just for a kiss.

Imagine second base.

- Ugh. - I try not to.

I saw my mom get a mammogram once,

and it basically scarred me for life.

- Okay. Guys, be honest.

I'm not totally unfortunate-looking, right?

I mean, I have highlights,

and I think I look pretty good in jeans,

and I'm a classy amount of easy and--

- Andie...

I think I have something that's gonna help.

- Uh, phone number or credit card.

Are we gonna go shopping?

You guys, we might go shopping.

- Andie, choose a color.

- Green?

- G-R-E-E-N.

Pick a number.

- Four. - One, two, three, four.

Okay, Andie...

pick one.

Will Andie get a boyfriend?

No, sorry, Andie.

- Well, that was helpful.

- Actually, you know what, you guys?

I think the Cootie Catcher's premonition is for the best,

because 98% of high-school relationships

end in a messy breakup or teen pregnancy.

- Thanks for trying, Imogen, but I'm gonna go home now

and accept the fact that until I graduate,

I'm wearing a chastity belt that only my brother has the key to.

I know that sounded gross.

- Do either of you guys want to know your future?

both: No.

- Alec.

Alec.

Alec's in this too.

Hey, girl.

- He's in every single picture.

- Andie, are you still stalking Josh?

Maybe.

Andie, look, I know you've had a real poodle of a week,

but I'm not gonna let you give up

on the mess that is dating in high school.

I mean, every girl deserves at least a chance.

- Dakota, I'm tired. I don't want to play anymore.

- You haven't even asked me

if I had a plan to fix your whole situation.

- Not interested.

- Wow, and I thought we were the closest.

What do you have in mind?

- All right, I'll need an hour, and, uh...

yeah, you'll definitely need to shave.

All right, Andie, let's do this.

Let's make love to the camera.

- Dakota, what the actual--

- We're changing the conversation.

- By filming me having sex?

I'm not exactly down with that, Dakota.

- No, no, no, Andie.

What we're gonna do is,

you know, we're gonna take some sexy photos,

doll you up, really fix all of this,

and then, um...

give them to Josh.

- No, Dakota.

Absolutely not. We are not doing that.

Come on, Andie. Come on, strip.

- Stop. No, Dakota, this is stupid.

You know what's stupid, Andie?

That you don't even realize that you're the best

and any guy would be lucky to hang out with you.

- Dakota...

- Who became my only friend in four years?

Me.

- Who cheered me up when I did not have a homecoming date?

- Me.

- And who pretended to be my preggo girlfriend

just to prank my mom? - Me.

- Andie, you are a gorgeous and amazing person,

and it sucks you need a guy to validate that.

- Me. - No.

No response on that one.

All right, Andie, look,

the reason I wanted to take these pictures

isn't for someone's spank bank.

It's to show you how sexy, independent,

and Beyonc� you are,

because until you see it,

how can you expect anyone else to?

Come on, please, Andie?

Please? - Fine.

- Yes. All right, let's do this.

All right, Andie, pose for me. Pose for me.

Come on, now, lick those paws.

Where is your milk, Mrs. Kitty Cat?

Yes, Andie.

- Bite the ruler. Bite the ruler.

Ooh, I love it. I love it.

Give me some rolls on the bed.

Give me some rolls. I need some rolls.

Oh, oh! You're at the beach now.

Okay.

- Ooh, you're bad. You're so bad.

Come on, spin for me, Andie. Spin.

Spin like a dreidel, Andie.

- Oh, oh, wow. You took that literally.

Come on, let me help you. One, two, three.

- Okay.

Okay. Okay, I'll admit it.

That was actually pretty fun,

and I look Smokey the Bear hot in these.

But, Dakota, you will be burning them.

No one can see them.

- Andie, come on, my camera's digital.

Burning it would be impractical.

- Dakota. - Fine.

Fine, fine. Look, they're deleted.

See? - Okay.

Well, these you can actually burn.

I'll just hold on to these.

- No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

These are mine, in case I need to bring these back up

and show you what you're capable of.

Fine.

Even if no one sees these pictures,

it made me feel a whole lot better.

- Oh, Andie, anytime.

- Where are you going? Hot date?

- Let me tell you something.

Whoever invented ManKitty

is literally the Bill Gates of gays.

All righty, Dakota's about to go get some.

- REPEAT OF LAST NIGHT? - MINUS THE KISSING COUSINS ROLE PLAY.

- Oh! - Sorry.

- Oh. - Sorry, man.

- Oh, wow. You're harder than you look, Annie Leibovitz.

I like that in a man.

- Thanks, Dakota.

Yo, Josh, you here?

I'm taking a deuce, so just chill in my room.

Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good, man.

- Wow.

- Oh.

Oh, hey.

- What's going on in here? - What, this?

- Yeah. - Oh, um...

it's for a play.

- Uh... - Uh-huh.

"The Count of Summer Cristo's Dream."

- Is it, like, a '70s porn theme kind of deal?

'Cause--

Wow. Nice--nice whip.

- No, no, no, that was-- that was a pillow.

- You sure? I've seen a whip before.

That's--that is definitely a whip.

- Just-- Those are pillows.

Um, no, it's-- The theme's abstract.

It's just my interpretation.

- Okay.

Good luck with that.

- Thanks.

- I'm just gonna double-check here.

Are you--are you good?

- Me? Yeah. No. Yeah, I'm fine.

Why?

- I don't know. You brought that guy to school today.

You're dressed in kitty stockings,

and, you know, your room looks like Jenna Jameson's sex lair,

so I feel like that warranted a "you good?"

- Oh, yeah, I get that. Totally makes sense.

Um, no, I'm fine. Today was just really weird.

Courtney had this plan, and play rehearsal ran late.

But to answer your question thoroughly,

yes, I'm good.

I'm great.

- Josh, is that you?

I'm--I'm just finishing--

- Uh, you look great. See you later, Andie.

- Nice!

Yo, come in here, man.

- Whoo.

All right, so not much has changed.

Guys are still repelled by me because of Alec,

but I can't help but look at the bright side.

Josh didn't call me "kiddo,"

and if that can change, who knows what's next?

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hey. - Hey. You seem chipper.

- Did you get eight hours of sleep? Crucial.

- Did you take an upper instead of your PMS pills?

I hate that, but I love it.

- No, I've just been thinking, my brother graduates in a year,

and after that, all of the boys at Brayer

will get tired of hooking up with the same old sloppy seconds

and have no other choice.

- Hmm. - Hmm.

I'm the last-resort cherry on this ice cream sundae.

See you later, sister-zone.

- Don't look at my sister!

- Well, there's always college.

- Don't talk to my sister!

I'm an animal!

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