All language subtitles for First.Period.2015.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG3_English

[rock music]

*

* Well, I met him
in first period *

* The way he looked it
really flipped my lid *

Dear diary,

Hey, it's me! Cassie!

I thought it was important
to tell you about a major

milestone coming up.

See, it's my sweet sixteen.

That's right, diary.

I'm turning 16 this weekend!

This is the point where
I go from being a cute,

fashion-savvy girl
to a sensual, sexual

fashion-forward woman.

I'm going to have a popular
group of friends and super-hot

hunky boyfriend
before you know it.

I'm so excited, diary, except,
the only problem is we just

moved here, so I
don't know anybody.

My mother lost her job so
she moved us back to her old

hometown.

Talk about worst timing ever!

But I'm going to look
on the bright side.

New place, fresh face.

I'm going to have the
best birthday party ever.

This is where it's all
going to happen diary.

-Cassie!

It's time for
breakfast, sweetheart!

-Well, I'm off, diary.

No need to wish me luck.

After all, I'm Cassie Glenn,
totally rockin' superstar

extraordinaire.

You're welcome!

* ... You can spend the
night and hold me tight *

* In my princess bed

* Now I see him in
my civics class *

* So many questions
that I want to ask *

* But I smile and choke up
every time that I see him pass *

* I know we had a date
and we stayed up late *

* He didn't want to drive
so I asked him inside *

* Now I need him here
in my life right now *

* Right now

* Thank God for
my first period *

* He's the one I might have,
he's the one in my bed *

* I hope and pray that
I'm not late for my *

* Oh, first period

* First period

* First period

Oh honey, were you scribbling
in that diary of yours again?

-Good morning, Mother.

-You better be careful or
you're going to get arthritis.

And nobody's going to put
a ring on raptor fingers.

-Actually, I was documenting
the fact that I have a very

important milestone coming up
in my young woman life this

weekend.

-Oh sweetheart, we
talked about this.

[together, in sing-Song]
* When girls get hairy,

* They want to hump and marry

* Any boy or man

* They take off their clothes

* Snort coke up their nose

* And regret having
sex in the can *

-Yes, I know the
nursery rhyme mother.

I passed puberty
quite some time ago.

And I'm talking about
a different milestone.

And I'm actually kind
of curious about it.

-That's my curious Cassie,
always asking questions!

Like, "Why don't I look
anything like you?"

"How come I don't
have a father?"

"Why do I look like the
girl on the milk carton?"

Oh, that reminds me.

I need milk.

Anyway, finders keepers.

End of discussion.

-Okay, um, it's my birthday
this weekend, the big 1-6.

The day I become a woman.

-Oh, I remember the day I took
you home from the hospital.

After having you, of course.

I'm not barren.

You're my joy.

My reason for living!

And that's why I've never
regretted not taking you back.

-But what does that
have to do with...

-Well, you're going to be
late for school young lady.

I packed your lunch.

When you get to school, go
straight to the guidance

counselor's office and
get your class schedule.

And don't forget to
take your transcripts.

-Okay, mother.

I love you.

-I love you too, sweetheart.

And happy birthday.

-It's this weeke-ow!

Rude!

-Oh, they grow up so fast.

[vibraphone sting]

[synth music]

*

* Sexy people

-Okay Cassie, did you
remember to bring the sexy?

I did, Cassie.

Oh, and look at that?

I brought extra.

Hey guys, what's the haps?

How's it hanging?

Where's the beef?

-Clearly you must've eaten it.

What are you?

-Rhetorical.

-And why are you
speaking to us?

-Literal.

-Hi, Cassie Glenn.

Totally rockin'
superstar extraordinaire.

You're welcome.

I'm new here.

First day.

Fresh meat.

-Uh, I'm uh, Dirk.

Uh, this is Brett.

-Is there something
wrong with you?

-Other than hating Mondays?

Am I right, new best friends?

-And uh, this is Heather.

And Heather...

-Oh my god, what is
there an echo in here?

I'm totally kidding.

I love everything
about you guys.

Sleepover at my place!

What?

-Seriously though, is there
something wrong with you?

-Well, now that we're
all acquainted, go away.

-Actually, I'm looking for the
guidance counselor's office,

so if you guys could point me
in the right direction, that'd

be so totally rad of you.

-Sure, it's right back
wherever you came from.

-So you should go there.

-Ugh, I must've totally
passed right by it.

Thank you!

-Okay.

We're outta here.

-Okay, well don't
be a stranger.

-I won't if you will.

* Yeah, you go girl

* Living in her own world

-Oh, excuse me.

-Yes? I mean...

Okay.

I mean...

Whatever you want.

-Oh, I haven't asked
you anything yet.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

Not a lot of
people talk to me.

-Oh, that's okay.

People talk to
me all the time.

"What are you doing in there?

Get outta there! This is a
funeral!"

Heh.

All a part of being
so awesome, I guess.

-I once took a nap on a park
bench and people thought I was

a dead body.

-You do look really corpse-y.

But that's okay.

A good moisturizing routine
will totally fix that.

-Thanks.

I'll try that.

-So anyway, back to me.

I'm new here and I'm trying to
find the guidance counselor's

office, but I cannot
find it anywhere.

-Oh, well I can
take you there.

I mean I, I know where it is.

-Oh my God, that'd be so
totally awesome rad of you.

But don't you have a
class or something?

-Yeah, but...

They just think I'm
a coat rack anyway.

-It's the pointy shoulders.

So it's totally
neat to meet you.

I'm Cassie Glenn,
totally rockin' superstar

extraordinaire.

You're welcome.

-Heh, I'm Margaret Tandice
Obscenity Miller.

But most people
just call me Maggie.

[squish noise]

-Hey turdface!

-Most people.

-Neat.

So where are we
headed new friend?

-Human contact!

[vibraphone sting]

[voice on loudspeaker]
Dean Smith to Principal
McGee's office...

Again.
[knocking at the door]

-Come in.

Please, have a seat.

-Hi, Cassie Glenn,
totally rockin' superstar

extraordinaire,
you're welcome.

-Oh, Cassie.

You must be the new student.

I'm Ms. Wood.

Welcome to Florence
Fisher High.

I'm the guidance counselor
here, so I'll be helping you

to acclimate.

And you can feel free to
talk to me about anything.

-Oh!

When you're on your period, do
you like to aggressively eat

buffalo wings and pretend
that they're people?

-U-Um, no.

-It makes me feel powerful.

-Feeling powerful is
a good thing, I think.

-Have you ever had one of
those dreams where you're

eating a hamburger, and then
you're making out with a

hamburger, and then
other stuff happens?

-No.

-Me neither.

Do you think I would
do well in prison?

-Okay, uh, I am going to
need to see your previous

paperwork, records,
documents...

-Mother says documents only
tell lies that keep us apart.

-Ah, I see now.

Homeschooled.

Don't worry, I've dealt
with your kind before.

We're going to get
you taken care of.

Do you have anything that
shows any previous work?

-Oh, I do have something that
shows my previous church work.

-Oh, okay.

Let's see that.

This is just pictures of
you dressed up like a nun.

-Yeah.

-With your fist in your mouth.

-Uh huh.

-I see you shaved your cat.

-Oh, I don't have a cat.

You see, I was trying out for
The Sisterhood of Optional

Clothing.

It's a magazine for
Catholic schoolgirls...

On girls, heh.

Oh, but it's totally tasteful.

Mostly.

-Cassie, this is wrong.

-Why?

Are you atheist?

-No.
-Jewish?

-No.
-Buddhist?

'cause there's a fat guy...

-Cassie, it's wrong because
you shouldn't be dressing

like this.

-Aren't we all truly naked
underneath the eyes of our

creator?

Oh, and those that pay a
monthly subscription fee of

$19.99?

Now, I know what
you're thinking.

Totally outrageously priced.

But you have to ask yourself,
do you want quality or

unbleached anuses
and c-section scars?

-No, i-it's wrong because
you're only 15 years old.

You're still a child.

-Oh, I agree.

But Nadia's not a child.

-Who's Nadia?

-My pictorial persona.

She's a hardworking mother of
three just trying to keep her

babies fed on the
mean streets of Chile.

Her no good husband left her
for some puta with starry eyes

for anyone with a guitar.

She bought him that guitar
for their anniversary, and now

she'll never hear
the music again.

We ask ourselves, por que?

-Cassie, honey.

These are bad people who con
innocent girls into taking off

their clothes for money.

-But that's how all the
great super rockin' superstar

extraordinaires
got their start.

They come from a past of
pain, abuse and humiliation.

It's the filler for their
first night of their four-part

miniseries starring
Kristy McNichol.

So I've really
gotta get hopping.

Are you in or out?

-No.

-Fine, but as my manager...

-Guidance counselor.

-I just want to let you
know that I'm not happy.

Do you know what
10% of nothing is?

-Yes.
-It's negative ten.

-No it's not.

-So we'll say you
owe me ten bucks.

-I am not giving you money.

-And we'll call
this what it is.

-Delusional?

-But next time, let's
bring our A-game.

We'll scrap the nudie magazine
for now and maybe kick it up

with a sex tape.

What's Rob Lowe doing?

Answer: my vagina.

See where I'm going with this?

-Here is your class schedule
and a map of the school.

Legally I am supposed to
tell you that if you have any

problems feel free to
come to me for assistance.

-Oh.

-Please don't.

-Oh.

-[gasps] Oh, I gotcha.

If the office is rockin',
don't come a knockin'?

Don't open the door
for shakin' the floor?

If you put it in the
pooper, that'd be super?

[laughs lightly]

Okay.

[vibraphone sting]

-Absolutely not.

N-No!

It's not going to happen.

-Why?

-Well it's completely
abnormal, and honestly it's

just plain weird.

-This is a female
anatomy class.

-Uh huh.

-This is exactly the sort of
thing you're supposed

to know about.

-I've never heard of anything
called a "tampon" or why you'd

need to change one.

That sounds more
like drug talk.

That I know about.

Bathroom request denied.

You do your angel
dust at home, junkie.

[door creaks open]
First...

Oh God, another one.

-Look at what the
fat ass dragged in!

[scattered laughter]

-Where's the beef?

I don't know, she must've
eaten it all, am I right?

[laughs]

It was really funny when
you said that earlier.

-Yeah, o-okay.

There's an empty seat next
to the coat rack in the back.

-Rad.

-[sighs]

-Oh, hey Mags.

-Hey Cassie.

Oh, I'm so excited we have
our first period together.

-Oh sweetie, mine's not
for a couple more days.

But don't worry, we'll totally
sync up, and then we'll show

Hanes who's way it is.

Am I right?

[laughing]

-Well when that happens, I
have some old cotton balls in

my backpack from
an art project.

Just in case.

-That is so sweet!

But I have a rolled up sock
and some duct tape in case of

emergencies.

-You're so resourceful.

-What can I say?

Girl Scouts.

-I didn't know you
were in Girl Scouts.

-Why, what have you heard?

[slapping sounds]

-I'll repeat myself for those
of you who weren't listening!

-I wasn't, I swear!

-Who are you?

-I'm Maggie.

Maggie Miller?

I've been in your
class the whole time.

-Oh, yes.

Coat rack.

Well, there must
be some mistake.

This is a female human
anatomy class, okay?

All boys should be in P.E.
this hour.

-But I'm a girl.

-Really?

For how long?

-Forever.

-Oh my God, I am so sorry.

Let this hideously deformed
girl be a lesson to all of

you: beauty is only skin deep,
and ugliness is just right

above that on the surface
where we all have to

look at it.

But, thanks to the wonders of
plastic surgery, she can fix

the damage her grotesqueness
does to society.

And that's called
accountability, girls.

-Uh, Mr. Klein...

-What?

-I don't feel that's an
appropriate thing to say.

-Why?

I said she could fix it.

-Society already puts too much
pressure on women to look a

certain way, and isn't beauty
in the eye of the beholder

anyways?

-Nonsense!

Nobody wants to
behold ugly people.

Or look at them.

And b-but before you go
burning your bra over that

one, it's, it's called an
elective surgery, okay?

That means she can electively
change all the things we tell

her to.

Okay, n-now let's all
settle down, okay?

We're all making the
she-beast very uncomfortable.

[giggling]

Yes, beautiful blonde girl?

-I think any woman would so
be totally smart for doing it.

If all of the ugly people
in the world just fixed

themselves, then nobody would
make fun of them anymore and

we'd have nothing but
beautiful people to look at

and we'd all be totally happy
and stop killing each other.

-Mm.

-Pretty people don't kill.

Only jealous uggos do.

-Yeah, death to the fat ones!

-Well, that's why we're
here in this class.

We're going to learn about the
female human anatomy, what's

biologically wrong with it,
and one day hope to find a

cure.

Let's watch a film.

[clapping]

[projector whirring]

[upbeat orchestral music]

[narrator]
This is Jenny.

Jenny's turning 16
years old today.

She is transitioning from
girlhood to womanhood.

A transition girls have
been preparing for

since the beginning of time.
[Alarm Clock Rings]

Since time began so long
ago, it's hard to say when it

exactly started, so we won't.

And now we're
here, in the now.

As girls to soon become women.

But don't jump the
gun yet, missy.

That's impolite.

And you'll become barren.

Now, listen closely as
I tell you a secret.

Since childhood, every girl
dreams for the day when she

can grow to be a
wife and a mother.

But being a woman hasn't
always come so easy.

Women are historically known
for having to endure extreme

measures to survive and
protect themselves against

things like snowstorms,
tsunamis, meteors, hurricanes,

radiation, famine, Koreans,
rock and roll, mouth,

excessive bacon, colic, toxic
waste, vodka tonics, rabid

bats, Dracula, and drugs.

Oh, what a marvelous
survivor a woman is.

All while staying the pinnacle
of beauty, grace, and poise.

The idolization of her peers.

The admiration of her family.

The popularization
of all mankind.

And she's pretty too.

Oh, becoming a woman.

Beauty, poise, grace, Dracula,
popular, beauty, poise, grace,

Dracula, popular,
popular, popular...

-Happy birthday, Cassie.

You look amazing!

Wow, this is the best
sweet 16 party ever.

-Thanks for coming, Maggie.

I hope you're
having a great time.

-Wow Cassie, what a
great sweet 16 party.

You're so cool and popular.

I wish I could be you.

-Thanks Heather.

It's really rad
of you to notice.

-You are so, like,
totally amazing Cassie.

I too wish I could
be you as well.

Like, for sure.

-Thanks other Heather.

I'll just try to be me.

-Happy birthday Cassie.

We brought you a present.

-Thanks Brett, what is it?

-Sex.

We both want to make love
to you at the same time, and

then...

To each other.

While you watch.

And then, I'm going to marry
you and have sex with you

again like in those videos
your mom keeps hidden behind

the VCR.

-Thanks boys, you didn't
have to get me anything.

-And then I'm going
to give you a massage.

For hours.

I know how sore you get.

-I do have insufficient
lumbar support.

Thanks boys.

I appreciate it.

-Hey Dracula, what
are you doing here?

-Cassie, I've come to take you
away and make you young and

beautiful forever, blah!

-Thanks Dracula,
have some cake.

[sneeze]

-Cake!

[bell rings]

-[clears throat] Ladies!

Don't forget, you're reading
chapters three through five

about the human
female life cycle!

It's mandatory,
for some reason.

A-And you two!

I'm warning you.

I don't like troublemakers.

-I don't like tapioca.

Now we both don't
like something.

[door creaks shut]

[slide guitar sting]

-I mean...

I don't know if he
likes me or not.

I mean I know he's a teacher
so he has to be discreet...

And he did throw a book
at my head one time.

-When I was little, the boys
on the playground used to push

me down all the time.

But that's just 'cause they
didn't know how to express

themselves.

They'd tell me to stop
stealing their underwear.

They really meant
their hearts.

Sometimes love hurts, Maggie.

-Just grab something in the
room and do something weird

with it.

-Oh, salutations class!

Salutations!

[scattered voices]
-Good morning, Ms. Mallow.

-Wasn't she fired?

-Oh, isn't this the most
magnificent day to create?

I can feel the life energy
in this class and...

God, it invigorates me!

Oh, yes!

I live off of your
youthful essences.

Oh, Arturo.

The curse of every
painter is thine.

The cursed white wall.

Is it purity that we dare not
step on the freshly lain snow?

Or is it the ever expanding
void that we drown in its

limbo.

Break free, Arturo!

Break free!

Oh!

[laughing]

yes!

-Death to the white void!

-Yes!

You're indeed a warrior!

[grunts]

and, what have we here?

-Making a doll out of the body
fluid and hair of my enemies.

-[laughs]

-They will feel my
torment and rage.

-Oh!

-I also used a double
half-knotted cross-stitch and

stuffed it with pine needles,
so it smells like Christmas.

-[gasping]

Oh!

What have we here?

Is there a new
fledgling in our nest?

[cackles]

Let me flock to
you, childling.

Let me flock to you!

-Oh...

-And who might you be?

-Cassie Glenn, totally rockin'
superstar extraordinaire.

You're welcome.

-Oh my God, my God
look, Cassie, darling.

Look at your beautiful face!

I can see so much in it.

All of your pain
and your fear.

[Cassie grunts]
-You have come to the right
place to create and together

we will touch your soul.

-[gasps]
reach, reach high
into your soul!

-I release you!

This is no mere art class.

Your teacher is your art.

Not me.

I am only here to be a seeker
to help you find your flame,

and I can see your flame,
Cassie, and it burns bright.

-Oh, I'm so sorry.

-Alright, my
class, my darlings.

Twinkle while I am gone,
you Christmas lights.

I must away to ready the
auditorium for Friday's

great event.

Au revoir!

Au revoir!

[class]
Goodbye! Bye!

-So what's happening Friday?

-Oh, it's just this
talent show thing.

It's stupid.

-[gasps] It's perfect!

-I mean it's perfect!

That's what I meant to say
it was, it's perfect, yeah.

Wait, why?

-Maggie, my sixteenth
birthday is this Saturday.

-Oh happy birthd-

-Saturday.

-Right, sorry.

-So if I want everyone to
come to my birthday party by

Saturday, that only leaves me
five days to become popular.

-Well, how do you plan to
become popular in five days?

-It's just as easy as becoming
a total rockin' superstar

extraordinaire,
you're welcome.

-A totally rockin' superstar
extraordinaire, because i...

-You know one?

Oh my God, is it Alf?

-No, I am one!

Cassie Glenn, totally rockin
superstar extraordinaire!

You're welcome!

-Thank you.

-Look, first of all, we have
to wear the totally coolest

clothes ever.

And check on that
one, because, heh...

-No, I'm wearing them.

-Are they mixed in with the...

-I am fashion-forward!

-You got it.

-Let's just move
on to point two.

We have to date totally
hot super-hunky guys.

-Well the hottest guys in
school are Dirk and Brett, but

they're dating the Heathers.

-Which leads me to point
three: we have got to get in

the cool group.

-And kill them.

-No.

-Well, what does this have
to do with the talent show on

Friday?

-That's the final
nail in the coffin.

-So we are killing them.

-We are not killing
anyone, Maggie.

-Sorry.

-We can't just
look cool, Maggie.

We have to be cool.

And so, when I show my
super-hot radness on the

talent competition on Friday,
it'll be official that I'm...

-We had an alibi
for the night...

-We are not killing
anyone, Maggie!

-[nervous laughter]

You think maybe if I did all
those things that, uh, I could

be popular too?

-Oh, I don't know.

I've never thought about doing
anything that benefits others

before.

-Oh.

-Well, why not?

If Ebenezer Scrooge can banish
those demons and save all the

Jews in time for
Christmas, then so can I!

-That's not how it happened.

-Well, we'd better start
working on our talent if we're

performing together
this Friday, partner.

-Oh my God!

Cassie, thank you so much!

-[Brett laughs]

Oh, well this is
too good to be true.

Wait until Heather
gets a load of this.

-A load of what?

-Don't mind us.

-Why are you rubbing that?

-But don't stop.

[breathing heavily]

[wooshing sound]

-God, I can't stand that
fat cow,

-[laughs and growls]

-Who does she think she is?

-Besides enormous?

-Totally.

-They seem nice.

-They seem like they
need to be locked up.

-At a fat camp.

For fatties.

-Good one!

-The other one looks
like she's dying.

-Someone should go the
hospital and give her some

antibiotics.

-Well, I uh, overheard
them talking in art class.

Apparently the chubby one
is making a plan to become

popular in five days.

Something about a birthday
party on Saturday.

-[scoffs]

Are you kidding me?

-Mm.

-Nobody can become
popular that fast.

-[scoffs]
-Or in her case, ever.

-Well, she's new here.

Maybe she just wants friends.

I think we should
be nice to her.

-Oh, sweetie.

What did we say about saying
things that make me angry?

-Uh...

To stop talking and
take my shirt off.

Oh.

[light laughter]

-Now, tell us more about
this plan of theirs.

-[laughs]

I don't think it
works that way.

-But if she takes off the
bow, she looks just like him.

-I know, but I don't think
that makes Pac Man gay.

-Then why do they have
to have separate games?

I'll tell you why: 'cause he
loves to gobble those balls

[laughs]

[imitating pac man noise]

-This makes me uncomfortable.

-So what are we going to
do about

a talent for the
competition on Friday?

-I mean, granted I'm amazing
at everything, but...

- * ...oh yeah, things
are getting cool so turn up the
heat *

* I'm on top. I'm on top.

* When the ladies...

-I see someone likes a little
dark meat with their

chicken breasts.

-Are you talking
about my areolas?

-No.

-They're like silver dollar
pancakes that got burnt.

And they kept cooking them.

-You're making
me hungry, Maggie.

No, I was talking about that
hottie dipped in chocolate

over there.

-Oh, him, no, no.

I wasn't looking
at him like that.

-Oh, no, it's okay.

I think it's legal now.

You know, with Whoopi
Goldberg and all?

-No it's...

Rapping.

I mean, I know it's silly, but
I've just always wanted

to do it.

-Maggie, I think that's one of
those things that it's okay if

they do it, but if we
do it then we're racist.

-But it would be so much fun!

I mean, I have daydreams about
it, just getting up there,

showing myself to the world.

No one can stop me.

-Now that sounds like a
totally rockin' superstar

extraordinaire.

-You think so?

-You're welcome so.

-[laughing] No, no, no.

I couldn't do it.

-A rap battle.

-What?

-Rap battle!

[gong sounds]

-Rap battle?

-Rap battle.

-Rap battle.

[hip hop beat]

- * Hey there girly, you
think you're a match *

* In your thrift-store
clothes with your stank-ass
snatch? *

* I'm on top, I'm on top

* You wanna step to me,
you're gonna get bopped *

*

- * Your clock is broken
and so is your face *

* You're running outta
time and I'm on your case *

* You try and act tough,
but you're easy to beat *

* Hell, you're the kind of thug
you'd find on Sesame Street *

* I'm on top

- * I'm on top!

- * This battle's heating
up, someone call a cop *

*

- * I'm killing these rhymes
so I should be in jail *

- * I'll take the top bunk,
watch you piss in a pail *

- * I'm freakin' Al Capone
and you're Lizzie Borden *

- * Shut up sucker, 'cause
I paid off the warden *

* Put your head in a pillow,
make you wear a skirt *

* I'll spit on my hand,
but it's still gonna hurt *

* Take it out on your ass
like a three-dollar snitch *

* Get ready to cry 'cause
you're my prison bitch *

* I'm gonna rape you,
I'm gonna rape you *

* Scare you, tear
you, duct tape you *

* Yeah you try and resist,
and your point is valid *

* But shut up, bitch,
you're gonna toss my salad *

* I'm on top

*

-Maggie you did it!

That was amazing,
I'm so proud of you.

-I did it!

I actually did it!

Oh my God, do you
think I went too far?

-Probably.

I couldn't understand
anything you two were saying.

I have a really hard
time with rhyming.

But you looked amazing.

-I feel amazing!

-Hey ladies.

-Oh hey Dirk.

Sorry I didn't see
you coming, heh.

But I'd like to.

No!

I'm sorry, I know you
two are dating, I...

-Actually, we just broke up.

We're better off as friends.

Isn't that right, Dirk.

-Um...

Yeah.

-Oh, hm, I'm so
sorry to hear that.

-Me and Brett
just broke up too.

-Yeah, I figured that'd
happen sooner or later.

-What?

-I saw what you did
a minute ago, Maggie.

That was pretty, uh, rad.

-[nervous laughter]

-You talked really
fast and it rhymed!

-I... Like... Going... Thing...
Heh.

-So, what the boys were
wondering, if it would be okay

for them to ask you
out on a date tonight.

-And of course we said yes.

We don't normally just let
anyone take out our exes, but

you two are pretty cool.

-I mean I'm not doubting
that, but,

you really think we're cool?

-For sure.

-Oh my God, is she okay?

-Yes.

She's just...

Praying.

-I think she peed herself.

-What?

Oh.

Um, no.

That is not pee.

That is...

Sexy juice.

[scoffs]

I mean...

You know what they say,
whenever the basement's

flooding, the...

The pipes need banging.

-Great.

You write down your address
and the boys will be by around

7:30 to pick you up?

-That is perfect.

-I can tell we're all going
to be really good friends.

-Not!

-...much time for you to get
ready, so you girls better get

to it.

-Bye!

-[snorts]

What happened?

-Well, you sexy-juiced all
over yourself, we have a date

tonight with the two hottest
guys, and we're practically

besties with the two most
popular girls in school.

I told you I'd have
us popular in no time.

-[laughs]

How could I have
ever doubted you?

-Well we'd better go shopping
and get some date outfits.

And a shower.

Your sexy juice really reeks.

-I eat a lot of
sexy asparagus.

[laughing]

But he'd kill you!

-Only at first.

But then I'd be yours forever.

-What's this?

-Don't touch that!

-I'm sorry.

-Oh, it's okay.

It's my diary.

But we're friends,
so I can trust you.

-I swear to you, Cassie Glenn.

-Totally rockin' superstar
extraordinaire,

you're welcome.

-I will never do anything
to betray our friendship.

We should take a blood oath.

[gasps]

-That's okay, I trust you.

-Oh, well, if you want, how
about I tell you something

really embarrassing about me?

-[gasps]

That'd be hilarious,
you should do that!

-Okay, um, I've
never had my period.

[light laughter]

-You've never had
your monthly visitor?

Surfed the crimson tide?

Had lunch with Aunt Flo?

Partied at Club Menses?

Ridden the cotton pony?

Took Carrie to the prom?

Saddled up old rusty?

Teased vampires?

Had a massacre at the Y?

Gagged your growler?

Bled the lining of your uterus
through the opening of your

vagina during a monthly cycle?

-Um, sometimes when I
sneeze really hard, I pee.

Does that count?

-Well that's a start.

It's no big deal.

-That's what my mom says, but,
all those other girls have

great big boobs and big bloody
vaginas, and I'm just like...

When's it my turn?

-Oh Maggie, you're probably
just not ready yet.

-But I am ready, cass.

I want to meet a boy.

Fall in love, get married, but
then realize he's cheating on

me, but I'll look
the other way.

I've got to keep this
marriage together.

His parents would
never let us divorce.

I know he resents me because
I couldn't carry the baby to

full term.

Of course he won't even
think about adoption, but...

I can take care of
this Asian baby myself.

I have so much love to give,
and with the money from his

life insurance plan, well...

He'd just have
to go away, heh.

I'll run away
with the mailman.

I know he loves me.

He brings me all those nice
things, and values me, and

damn it, that's what Pei-Ling
needs in a father figure!

-Maybe we shouldn't
tell people that story.

-I realize that now.

-Oh Cassie sweetheart, those
two handsome boys are here.

Oh, that's something.

My little girl going
on her first date!

-Mom, this isn't
my first date.

What about the boy at
the seafood restaurant?

-The one who was
choking on a scallop?

-He was choking?

-Yes, you gave him CPR.

-I gave him 3rd base.

And my number, but
he never called.

-Oh sweetie, he died.

-Oh, that explains
so much now.

-Anyway, you girls
look just gorgeous.

Like those fabulous
actresses on tv.

-What, I can't do film?

-Thanks Mrs. Glenn.

-Oh please, call me Mom.

-Oh, I don't know about that.

-Do it!

-[screams] Mom!

-Come on, Maggie.

We can't keep
those guys waiting.

[vibraphone sting]

-Cass, I can't do this.

I'm nervous, I'm sweating...

I'm feeling really gassy.

-Oh, you're doing great.

Just go for his crotch
like it's a taffy pull.

Guys love that.

-Oh yeah, whisper.

I totally can't hear
what you two are saying.

-Oh, I can.

I'm a really good lip reader.

I'm psychic!

Quick, tell me
what I'm thinking.

-I don't think that's
how psychic works.

And I should know.

I'm 1/18th gypsy sea-hag
on my mother's side.

-Hey Dirk, can you
tell what I'm thinking?

-No.

But I think a professional
might need to.

Hey.

Why don't we play a good old
fashioned game of truth or

dare to break the ice?

-Oh, Brett loves
truth or dare.

We play it all the time when
we hang out at his place, and

he dares me to do all kinds
of crazy stuff, like take my

shirt off, and take my pants
off, oh, and pull out my...

-Okay!

We all know how it goes.

-Don't ask, don't
tell, right Brett?

Well I'm certainly game.

For anything.

-Oh!

Okay.

-Me too!

[giggles]

[sizzling]

[gasps]

* I need you want
you all to myself *

* My rod is crying
out to you *

* Your flower is
about to bloom *

* Let it bloom
for me.... *

-Okay.

-I'll go first so your ladies
get an idea of how we play.

-I'm sensing it involves a lot
of rough trade and vaseline.

-Ha ha!

And we're starting.

-Dirk!

Truth or dare?

-Dare.

Brett says I can't pick
truth 'cause it's stalling.

-I dare you to kiss Cassie.

-Done.

-Oh, my, no...

Wait!

Wait...

-Right, I'm sorry.

He didn't say where.

-On the lips.

-We talking upper, or...

-Oh, my God, no.

Just, just a kiss.

-I can't.

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

It's not right, Brett.

-Dirk!

What did you say when
you talk out of line.

-[sighs]

-Yeah.

-I like where this is going.

-And I know where
this is going.

-You do.

-[grunts]

She does.

-Oh...

-No, she doesn't.

-I do!

Look, you're both
hurting right now.

You just got dumped by the
Heathers and you're on a

rebound.

-That is such a turn-on.

-Broken hearts and
crushed spirits.

Needing anything to fill
the void and stop the pain.

See, I understand, because I
imagine what it's like to have

a husband and an Asian baby...

-Don't you tell that story!

Don't you tell that story!

-[nervous laughter]

-And I was hoping that you...

Could help me fill that hole.

Shut up, cow!

-You shut up, you lady anus.

-Maggie, I need you.

[sensual music]

*

-I'm ready!

I'm ready Brett!

The flower may be wilting,

its pedals like damp leather.

But just like Nelson
Mandela it can set you free.

[moaning]

I'm ready my prince.

Oh my prince, give it to me.

Give it to me.

Come on, take it, take
it, take, ahh, take it.

-No!

No, no, no, I can't do it!

No, ugh.

Look, I don't care
what the Heathers want.

-I don't understand.

-The Heathers wanted us to
take you guys out so we could

find out what you're doing
for the talent competition.

-It's just business.

-But I was going to
give you my business!

I was going to let
you park in my garage!

Who knows, maybe even visit
the car port around back.

I don't know how sex works!

They don't make a barbie doll
that prepares you for this.

-You mean to tell me that you
two did this just to get a leg

up in the competition?

Well I've got
news for you boys.

The only legs up around here
are going to be ours, and I

don't know which way
I mean that anymore.

-Agh!

-Come on, Maggie.

We're leaving.

-I feel awful.

-Yeah, well, at least we
uh, got what we came for.

Speaking of which...

-I think I just
want to go home.

-Okay buddy.

I'll even lick your back
until you fall asleep.

You're a good friend.

-I think at lunch time, we
should rehearse our rap a

little more.

I've got to learn to make my
booty bounce without letting

out a tooter.

-Cassie, have you noticed
anything weird with all the

other students?

-They all seem to
be looking at us.

-Dirty whores!

-Slutty sluts!

Go back to Slutsville!

-I wonder if
we're popular now.

-I don't think that's it.

-Sluts.

-And I found this
in my locker.

-I know, I put it there.

-Oh.

-Whores!

-Oh!

-I wanted to be the
first to invite you.

-Aw, thank you.

-Slutty whores!

-We heard you!

-Jeez, I was just checking.

Bitch.

* So you want
to be popular *

-I don't know...

-Something strange is
definitely going on.

-I swear I thought you were
asleep and I just wanted to

try it.

-Wait, what are
you talking about?

-I don't know if you don't.

[crying]

[class bell rings]
-Okay, let's settle down.

I know we all want to talk
about how the new girl and her

ugly aunt are grody,
boyfriend-stealing whores,

but we can't.

I just found out.

-That's outrageous!

We didn't do that!

-I have done a lot
of things, sir.

Oh, but I did not steal
anyone's boyfriends.

-They asked us out.

Tell 'em, Heather!

-When they picked us up
for school this morning...

I found these in
their back seat!

-Oh, okay.

That's where that sour
milk smell is coming from.

-Ugh!

-They said you asked them for
a ride home from school, and

then just threw yourselves
at them like

rabid sweaty beavers!

-[crying]

-You know, this reminds me of
something that someone once

told a friend of mine, and
because of which, we're no

longer friends.

Now, often in women's prisons,
they will get the ladies to

open up about their feelings
when tensions are high and

periods are period-ing.

You know, get them to talk
about what bothers them about

each other.

This of course lead to a rise
in shower-shanking and finger

rape, but let's give it
a try and see if it goes

differently.

-Now, let's start
with ourselves.

I want you all to
name your vaginas.

You know, because your...

Your vagina, that's that, that
is, that's the center, you

know, of the problem.

I mean, let's face it.

I mean it's just.

It's gross to look at and...
Euh.

But maybe if we give it a nice
name, we won't feel so bad

about ourselves and take
it out on other people.

So let's give it
a try, shall we?

-Well, I'd name mine Heather.

And I think that it's time I
really got to know who

Heather is.

-I think we'd all like to get
to know Heather a

little bit better.

Know what I mean?

-[disgusted sigh]

-Well, I'd name mine...

-Been there, done that.

Gah, don't even
think about it!

Whatever you're about to say
will haunt me for the rest of

my life.

You literally make me vomit
in my mouth just

by looking at you.

-Gotcha.

In private. [smack noise]

-Stay away from me.

-I'd name mine "penis" because
it holds as much power as one,

despite its actual
physicality.

-But it's not one, right?

I mean, you don't
actually have one, do you?

-Well I'd name mine...

-Sloppy seconds!

-Open 24 hours!

-Degrading to women!

-The town bicycle!

-Mr. Klein!

-Because everyone
wants a ride!

-Cassie!

-I'm sorry, it's a funny joke.

-Well, all this talk is
making me sick to my stomach.

-Let's all read chapters six
through nine for the remainder

of class while I look through
the classifieds and hunt for a

real person's job.

-What are we going
to do, Cassie?

Everybody hates us.

-[scoffs] Well we can't give up
now.

Look at Frankenstein.

Everyone thought he was
a monstrous abomination.

-But he was.

-A whole town was against
him, even wanted to kill him.

-He drowned a girl and
strangled some guy.

-But did he let that stop him?

-Yes!

Yes, they killed him!

They set him on fire!

-Maggie, the point is I
haven't seen that movie and it

sounds hilarious, and I think
we should watch it at my place

tonight.

* Love love, love yeah

* Love love
love, love love *

* Love love love
love, love you *

* Love her, but you
don't love me too *

*

* We were close, we were
friends, we said "I love you" *

* You said we were lovers,
then you said I do *

* But for someone else,

* You
said it for
someone else *

* Love love

* Love love

* Love love...

[slide guitar sting]

-You boys have a lot of
nerve showing up today.

-But we go to school here?

-Dirk, what do we say
about stating the obvious?

-No, that's not a thing.

-Oh.

-No.

Leave it off.

-Brett!

Brett!

We're willing to forgive you
if you just tell us why you

did it.

-No.

-I accept your apology.

-Look, let's not make this any
more complicated

than what it is.

What are your names again?

-Maggie!

-Sometimes I go by Cassandra
'cause it sounds more exotic.

-I mean, can't we just
go back to being friends?

-But we were never friends.

-And we should go
back to being that.

-That is no way to
speak to a lady.

-Oh, you're right.

Thank god I don't see one.

-Oh my God, he's blind.

-It's just a
phrase, you idiots.

-Oh, real mature Brett.

Making fun of blind people?

You're lucky they can't see
you talk about them like that.

[clicks tongue]

[clicks tongue]

-Not cool, man!

-Oh, you hang in
there Heather.

You're beautiful on the
inside and the outside.

-Yes.

-Heather thanks you for
your keen observation.

You may leave now.

-How long are you
going to milk this?

-[scoffs]

until I win the
talent competition.

Duh!

-Why do you want to win this
talent thing so bad, anyway?

-Because, pookums, that's my
chance to show everybody I'm

not just beautiful,
I'm talented also.

-Well, what are
you going to do?

-Modeling.

[both laughing]

-That's not a talent.

-If it isn't a talent, then
how come everybody in the

world isn't a model?

-Huh...

-Exactly!

Thank you!

-You're so right.

Oh my God.

You're so totally
going to win.

-[gasps] I know!

We should throw a
party to celebrate!

Tomorrow.

-Wait, isn't the
talent contest Friday?

-God, Dirk.

Be more supportive?

-My parents are
still out of town.

We could throw it at my place.

-And I know just
who not to invite.

-[giggles]

God Heather, you're
such a bitch.

-I know.

[both giggling]

-This is just what
we needed, Maggie.

A girls-only slumber night?

It'll totally cheer us up.

-Well I know what'll
really cheer us up.

-You know where the hot angry
homeless guy outside of the

supermarket lives?

-Why would that cheer you up?

-I have my reasons.

-Well I was going to say
winning the talent competition

and becoming so popular that
all the hot guys will want to

date us.

And maybe we'll get
discovered and be big stars.

-Ooh, and we can buy mansions
with swimming pools and

butlers and servants.

-Well, if we're going to win,
we need awesome costumes.

[upbeat music]

* We are girls

* We are girls

* We are girls

* Put the boys in a trance,
suffer through menstrual
cramps *

* Show the world
we can dance *

* We are girls and
we are who we are *

* Yeah, we'll go pretty far
and leave emotional scars *

* We are girls

* We are girls

* Girls

Cassie, I don't know if I'm
being just paranoid, but...

-Dracula again?

-No, no.

The other students.

There aren't any.

-Oh my God, what
if we're dead.

-Maggie, I'm sure if we were
dead there'd be a lot more

fire and screaming.

-You know, when I die, I
hope I get to haunt Whoopi

Goldberg.

Like in "Ghost."

Oh, she's so talented.

-[Fat Albert impression]
What you talkin' about Maggie?

Hey hey hey!

-That's not her.

[upbeat piano music]

*

-Well there's nobody
in here either!

-What if they all died?

What if we're the only
people left on earth?

How are we gonna live?

What are we gonna eat?

-I don't know!

If everyone's dead there's no
way to find out what happened,

so we're just going to have
to repopulate the earth or

something.

Oh my God, we're totally
going to have to les out.

-[yelps]
[loud piano noise]

-My gems...

What are you two doing here?

I thought you'd be gone
with everyone else.

-Where is everyone else?

-To be honest, I don't know.

And I've been breathing in a
lot of paint thinners, so...

Everything is
kind of rainbows!

[laughing giddily]

But you know, when I
need answers, I go here.

[laughing]

I'll call ahead and
book you an appointment.

[sharp musical sting]

Now fly, my sparrows!

Flitter!

Flock!

I'm so high.

[harp glissando]

-Hello?

-Oh, this is so
exciting, Cass.

I've always wanted
to see Madam Mulva.

I've always considered
myself a little bit psychic.

-Oh, I don't know.

You don't seem that crazy.

-No, psychic, not psycho.

-Okay, don't get crazy, crazy.

You said it, not me.

-Hello?

Madam Mulva?

-Maybe we have to like,
rub a lamp or something.

-No, you're
thinking of a genie.

-Welcome, Cassie and Maggie!

I've been expecting you!

-From beyond the grave?

-No, no, you're
thinking of a ghost.

-I am Ma...

-Demon!

-No, no!

No, no, no!

I'm Madam Mulva.

Ms. Mallow called me.

-Cassie, this is Madam Mulva,
the psychic we're here to see.

-Oh my God, are you going
to fatten us up and eat us?

-I'm not a witch.

-No, she thinks
you're a cannibal.

-Yeah.

Wait, is that the one that
has sex with the dead bodies.

-Well, technically
you could do both.

I mean, whatever you choose to
do with a body before you eat

it is up to you.

-Oh.

-Okay, so I'm confused.

Aren't you Cassie and
Maggie, my 12 o'clock?

-Oh my God, you
really are psychic!

You know, I've always
wanted to meet a psychic.

I've always considered
myself a little bit psychic.

-Oh, don't worry.

She doesn't mean the
stabby-stab kind.

-But you already know that,
because you know everything.

Because you're psychic,
which you know already.

Which is why we're here.

Oh my God, are you
reading my mind?

-Why are you staring
at me like that?

-I'm trying to communicate
with you telepathically.

-Well stop it!

-Oh my God, when you
said that I stopped.

You are a really
powerful psychic.

I bow to you, oh master.

-Oh no, no.

No bowing, you
don't need to bow.

Okay.

So, let's just sit
and have a nice chat.

Uh, not telepathically.

Okay.

I'll give you a basic reading.

-Ugh, I hate reading.

-No, no, she's
going to read us.

-Ooh, girl!

-Okay, so.

Everyone from your
school has disappeared.

-How did you know that?

-So psychic.

-What did you do with
them you sick bitch?

-She thinks you're the
bad guy from "Die Hard."

-[scoffs]

Your teacher called me and
said everyone from your school

has disappeared.

Now, if this is true,
shouldn't you call the police?

-Oh my God, you can see into
the past and tell us what we

should've done?

You are amazing!

-Oh, let's just
get this over with.

Do either of you have
something personal from one of

the disappeared?

-Oh!

-Oh, thank you.

-Cassie, where
did you get this?

-They were hanging
all over the school.

-Well why didn't you
tell me anything?

-Well you heard the flyer.

I can't tell you about it.

I'm not even supposed to know.

-Well thank God for Madame
Mulva's psychic power sensing

this party or we never
would've known about it.

-I can see why they
didn't want to invite you.

-Okay, we get it,
you're psychic.

Now is not the time.

We're very upset.

-Look, you seem
like nice girls.

I know what it's like to be
picked on in high school and

you're popular with the
football team and all the

girls hate you 'cause you're
a slut, and then you don't get

invited to parties.

-Because you're
one of the undead.

-How are you not getting
what a psychic is?

-How did you get to this
planet, and whose face did you

steal?

-[quietly] what?

-Body snatcher.

-Okay, you want some advice?

I'll give you some advice.

You gotta stop caring about
what everyone's telling

you to do.

The world is going to eat
you alive unless you learn to

stand up for yourselves
and assert yourselves.

Nobody is gonna rescue you.

[spits]

You have got to rescue you.

And don't take any
crap from anybody.

You need to become a teen...

-Witch.

-I sensed you were
going to say that.

-No!

Teen bitch!

-I sensed that too.

-And don't let these girls
take advantage of you.

You show them who
the real bitches are!

-That's great advice.

-Thanks, creepy laundry lady.

-Maggie, I think we've
got a party to crash.

-[sighs]

Oy, I need to go back
to doing phone sex.

[bouncy rock music]

*

-Great party, Heather.

-Yeah, this party
is wicked cool.

-Thanks for coming.

Glad you're having
a good time.

Don't forget to vote for me
in the talent competition on

Friday.

Hm, you know, this whole
ordeal made me realize

something about myself.

-That eventually your time
on this Earth will expire and

you'll have to return to the
darkness from where you came?

-Oh my God, 'cause
you're so funny!

No.

It made me realize that I
really do care about people.

Because when I thought that
they didn't care about me,

that made me feel bad.

And I care too much about
me to let that happen.

Sometimes, I just
think I care too much.

-Oh my God!

Heather, you're
going to make me cry!

-Hey, turn that up!

* You're a freak

* Make it freakin' hot

* Show the goods, show
them you are prime *

* You're a freak

* Make your freaking life

[sensual music]

*

-Hey, who's the hot girl?

-Does she go to our school?

-Oh my God, it's Cassie Glenn!

-Looking good, Cassie.

-Thanks, I have a reflection.

-Wow, Cassie, you're
like totally hot.

-Better get out
your thermometer.

-Who's that other girl?

-Too hot to handle.

-Oh, someone's working it.

-That's right my ni-

-Don't get crazy.

-Sorry.

I love "Jumping Jack Flash."

-Hey Steve.

Do you mind if I
borrow some lip balm?

My lips are really dry.

-Sure.

-Thanks.

-[muffled scream]

-Thanks, that's better.

-Oh hey, hey.

Could I have some gum?

My breath is really stinky.

-Oh, uh, this is nicotine gum.

I'm trying to quit smoking.

-Oh, I love nicotine.

-Yeah, so did my dad just
before he died from

lung cancer.

-I'm so sorry for your loss.

-Here's your gum.

Enjoy.

-Well I don't want it now.

-Okay, so everything
is going great so far.

-Well what about phase two?

-Is that where we
shit in the pool?

-No, that's a number two.

Phase two is where we make
Brett and Dirk jealous they

ever dumped us.

-Right.

Wait, I thought
that was plan B.

-No, plan B is what we
do in case plan a fails.

-Then what was plan A?

-The makeover and the
pool party crashing.

-Right, so now we
shit in the pool.

-U-Uh, we'll just
call that a plan B.

-I know.

-Okay, we're
getting off track.

Brett and Dirk are over there.

Let's make our move.

-Hey Maggie...

-You know what
comes before part B?

[both]
Part-A!

[upbeat music]

-Hello boys.

-Oh, hey Cassie.

Hey Maggie, wow.

You girls look amazing.

Like totally hot.

-Thanks Dirky.

We are totally hot.

-So hot.

-And not at all conceited.

-I wish there was a
way we could cool down.

-Oh, t-there's a pool.

Or ice.

Ah, Brett has
air conditioning.

-I think I had
something else in mind.

[snaps fingers]

[both moaning]

-Is this what you
had in mind Cassie?

[moaning]

-Oh, it's so cold
I can't stand it.

Here Maggie, have some.

[moaning]

-Oh, oh, that's, that's just
what I need in my face hole.

Ahh.

That's okay.

I don't need a whole popsicle
to satisfy me, on account of

my crooked vagina and
sensitive gag reflex.

[gagging]

-Eh, oh just right.

-Yeah.

-Oh oh, oh work the tip.

-Oh, gets me hot.

-Ooh, ooh it's so hot.

-[gagging]

[both oohing and aahing]

[both moaning]

-I think it's time
you both left.

You're not wanted here.

-So put your ugly monkey back
on its leash and scamper on

home, or whatever
bridge you live under.

-We're not afraid
of you, Heather.

I mean what's your
problem with us, anyway?

-You are nothing.

You've always been nothing
and you'll always be nothing.

You both can get all dressed
up and talk a big game, put on

a good show, but we can all
see what you really are.

-Everyone can see.

-Dogs.

And I'm sorry, but I don't
deal with dogs, and I don't

want to see dogs, and I
definitely don't want dogs to

think that they can
be friends with me.

It's so cute that you
both think you're people.

-Woof.

-You're so full
of shit, Heather.

[people gasping]

-Excuse me?

-You go around treating
everyone like shit, but you're

the one that's full of it.

And just a whiff, the
bullshit on your breath is

overpowering.

I mean you would bullshit
anyone just to put yourself

ahead or put
someone else down.

And then secondly, there's
bat shit, as in crazy?

'Cause you'd have to be
bat-shit crazy to think that

you can talk to me and
my friend that way.

Oh, and then there's dog
shit, and that's all you are

Heather.

'cause if you ever mess with
me and my friend again, we

will chew you up
and shit you out.

-My dog eats its own
shit all the time.

-Shut up, Dirk!

Is that all you bitches got?

-Not quite.

Maggie, phase two.

-Ooh, what's phase two?

[both]
Shit in the pool!

[shrieking]

[crowd laughing]

[Heathers shrieking]

-[clears throat]

-What are you two doing here?

-Look, we've had a little time
to cool off,

thanks to you two.

-Yeah, we took things
too far and we're sorry.

-You girls are
okay in our book.

It took a lot of courage
to stand up to us, and...

We realize we can
be kind of bitchy.

It's not easy being popular
and we can see how much

everybody loved you, so...

We got nervous and didn't want
you to take it away from us.

We never gave you
girls a chance.

So if you want, we'd love
to hang out some time.

-Really?

No tricks?

-No tricks.

-Well if you want, I was going
to have a girls' night at my

place tonight.

Why don't you two come?

-Totally.

We'll see you then.

Later.

-Cassie, I don't
feel good about this.

I don't trust them.

My psychic senses
are tingling.

-Oh Maggie, don't worry.

We're popular now.

This is exactly
what we wanted.

Besides, they apologized.

We should give them a chance.

-Okay.

But if this doesn't
go well, we kill them.

-Seriously, we
talked about this.

-I know, I'm sorry.

It's like a thing.

I can't stop.

[upbeat music]

*

-Hey girlfriends!

Come on in, have a seat,
take your panties off, make

yourselves comfortable.

-So I can redecorate then?

[Heathers giggling]

-Oh relax, Cassie.

I'm just kidding.

-I knew that.

You're so funny, Heather.

-I know.

So do you have any,
like, booze or something?

-What?

-She means alcohol.

-We don't drink alcohol.

-Yeah, my mom doesn't keep any
in the house 'cause she's an

alcoholic and really lazy
about keeping up with her

addiction.

I'm just kidding.

Of course we have alcohol.

We drink all the time.

I'm drunk right now!

Ahh!

I'm drunk, I'm drinking!

Grr, rah!

I don't even know
why I did that.

I'm so drunk.

Sorry.

-It's okay.

[exhales]

-Why don't I step out and
make us some super awesome

cocktails that are gonna get
us so drunk it blows out our

vaginas.

It'll be great.

Drinking.

-What's this?

-That's private,
don't touch that!

-It's Cassie's diary.

-Ugh jeez.

Sorry.

-So, Maggie...

Excited about the talent
competition on Friday.

-I am, actually.

I know Cassie and
I are sure to win.

-No doubt.

Your rapping the other
day was seriously amazing.

-Like for sure.

Serious amazing.

-Well, it wasn't that good.

-I didn't know
Cassie can rap too.

-Oh, she can.

I mean we've been doing
a lot of practicing.

She's mainly focusing on,
uh, the choreography and the

costumes.

She's so creative.

-Oh.

-Wait, what?

-No, it's nothing.

It's just...

I used to be in a lot of plays
in school, and the people who

always did the costumes and
choreography were more...

Behind the scenes.

That's all.

-What are these?

-Oh, these are the costumes
that Cassie's making.

-It's a bed sheet.

Cute!

-Yeah, well, um, we've been
doing a lot of practicing with

her, so um, we haven't really
had time for anything else.

-Oh.

-But, why don't you just rap
by yourself, since it's

your talent.

-[gasps] Don't say that, that's
so rude!

No matter how true
and obvious it is.

-Well, we're
doing it together.

-So noble of you.

-Totally a good friend of you.

-Don't worry, we won't
tell her you said anything.

-It's our little secret.

-What's happening?

[upbeat rock music]

*

-Okay, who's ready to party?

-Why is it glowing?

-Mine's really warm.

-No thank you.

We don't drink.

-Wow...

It makes the back
of my eyes tingle.

-What's wrong, Cassie?

Why aren't you
partying with us?

-Oh, um, I'm just not
thirsty right now.

I did a Jägerbomb with
my mom downstairs.

It was crazy.

We made out.

Crazy stuff.

Yay, drunk!

-[laughs lightly]

Well don't get too drunk.

We have school tomorrow and
you probably have to practice

like crazy with Maggie if
you're going to be ready by

Friday.

-What do you mean
"like crazy?"

-No, it's just,
it's not like that.

-What is that not like?

-Oh, I didn't mean anything.

Oh, I said I wouldn't
say anything.

-But you did say anything.

You said it twice.

-I can't, I promised
Maggie I wouldn't.

-Maggie!

Are you keeping
secrets from me?

I thought we
trusted each other!

-No, i-it's just
we were saying...

-The point is that Maggie
doesn't blame you for not

having a talent of your
own and you're kind of just

stealing hers.

She's willing to let you be a
part of it so you don't feel

left behind.

-But I have a talent.

-So does Maggie, but she's
not rubbing it in our faces,

Cassie.

Show some modesty.

-I want to see your
talent, Cassie!

-Okay! [laughs]

-Ugh...

[funk music]

*

[clapping]

-Cassie, that's great!

Where did you learn that?

-Girl Scouts.

Seventh grade.

We used to sell and feed
these cookies to a Russian

prostitute with no
arms named Lola.

She used to keep a tube of
lipstick in her bra for work

at a moment's notice.

There was no work, but you
couldn't tell her that.

-Cause she never gave up hope.

-No, she didn't speak English.

-[laughs] Commies!

-Well, perfect!

It's settled then.

Maggie will do her wrapping,
and Cassie will do that...

Lipstick seizure thing, and
you both will have a talent to

perform at the
talent competition.

Separately.

Against one another.

But it's just a competition
to see who is better than

everyone else.

It's not like it's going to
tear apart your friendship

[laughs]

[maniacal laughter]

Good night.

[fizzing noise]

[soft rock music]

*

* There ain't no reason

* You should walk away

* You should walk
away from me *

* And there
ain't no reason *

* You ever gotta leave

* You ain't gotta
leave, leave me *

*

* I got a feeling, you're
never gonna leave *

* You're never
gonna leave me, no *

* And you got a feeling,
that you want me *

* That you want to be...

[screaming]

-Muffin punch dick!
-Oh my God, what is she doing?

-Nipple butt sucking!

-My paining!
-Dog licker, nubby knees!

-She's seizing,
or something...

-Burt Reynolds,
orgasms, salad!

-Maggie, calm down, you're
not making any sense.

-How would you know?

We don't hang out.

I don't even know
what you've become!

I don't know who I am anymore!

-Oh my God, she has amnesia!

-It's just a phrase.

-Is it?

Because I remember we both
wanted to be popular, and now

we are.

Unless you've forgotten that.

Due to amnesia!

[crowd murmurs]
-I haven't forgotten it.

I just don't want
that anymore.

I want to go back to us
being the way we used to be.

Where we could hang out and be
ourselves and not try to act

like we're something
we're not all the time.

-Well I don't want
to go back to that.

-Is this honestly
what you want?

-You mean having
lots of friends?

Having everyone like me?

Knowing my name?

Wanting to buy me lunch?

Hang out and build a french
fry fort just to have it

destroyed by a chocolate
milkshake flood and have to

eat my way out as a
testament to my survival?

Yeah Maggie, I think I do want
those things, and a jetpack.

-You are so clueless, Cassie.

-Oh, I have a clue alright.

To the mystery of why
Maggie sucks so much!

-Maybe it's 'cause her
best friend is an idiot.

Mystery solved!

-Well I declare that case
is a mistrial due to lack of

evidence.

A stupid suck crap!

-Oh, you want evidence?
-Mm.

-Okay!

Exhibit A!

-Oh, order in
the court, bitch!

[dramatic music]

*

-Ha ha!

-Get off me!

[mock crying]

[laughing]

[growling]

[screaming]

[crowd gasps]

-Get up!

[gasps]

-Cassie, how could you!

I thought you were my friend!

No!

[screaming and crying]

-But wait, Maggie! We are!

-You're better off
without her, sweetie.

If you two were meant to be
friends, then you would be.

-Maybe you're right.

Maybe it is for the best.

You know, it could be,
oh and you're gone.

Okay, talk to you
later b-best friend.

[melancholy music]

* I lost you

* And I don't know
what to do about it *

* My best friend

* I lost you, I don't
know what to do *

* My best friend

[pounding synth music]

* Sex

*

-Where are you going
all dressed up?

-Heather and Brett are
throwing a little party that

they personally invited me to.

-I thought you
didn't like them.

-Ha!

I have no other friends,
so I might as well.

-Well good.

I hope you have a
great time with them.

-Oh, I will.

Thank you for
loaning me the dress.

-You're welcome.

It looks very nice on you.

-I'm glad.

Maybe I'll even
get to third base!

-I certainly hope so.

You're a very attractive girl.

-I feel like one!

What's third base?

-I'm not sure, but I think
it's up to the knuckle.

-Well I'll let you
know when I find out!

-Well great, I look forward
to that conversation!

-I'm on top [scoffs]

[electronic music]

*

-Chill out.

She's gonna come.

-Oh really?

I didn't know she
was your type.

-[scoffs]

Don't be disgusting.

I wouldn't touch her with an
eight-inch pole, no matter

whose it was.

And she's not my type.

-Ugh, who is your type?

I know you and Heather
didn't get back together.

Even when you were together,
she said you were like a

Catholic priest.

-What'd she mean by that?

-You told her you wanted to
wait until marriage, and that

you were Catholic, and
you wanted to be a priest.

-Right, I forgot I said that.

Besides, she's moved
on, so who cares?

Everybody's happy.

-There's something
odd about you.

-Hey Brett, you coming?

-Repeatedly.

[doorbell rings]

-I can't quite put
my finger on it.

[door opens]

mm.

Okay, she's here.

Remember the plan.

-I remember, you
squawking harpy.

-Hey Maggie!

How you holding up?

That was a pretty
brutal falling out, huh?

-Yeah, I...

I really don't want
to talk about it.

-Well you're in luck!

Tonight is all about
relaxing and feeling good!

[laughs]

-I don't drink, remember?

-Trying to forget.

-Oh, I think tonight of all
nights is a night to drink.

Come on.

One little drink can't hurt.

It'll help you relax.

-There you go.

[muffled gagging]

'At a girl!

-[laughing]

-That wasn't so bad!

-Mm!

-It tasted like watermelons.

-Now you're one of us!

-Heh, okay.

Well just, just don't let
me do anything stupid.

-Don't worry!

We won't.

[fast rock music]

-Hey everybody, let's party!

Yeah!

-Move [shouting
unintelligibly]

[screams]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[screams]

-Hey, what?

[people gasping]
What are you doing?

Oh!

[forceful grunting]

[glass shattering]

[screaming]

-Heather!

You are my best
friend in the whole...

[bottle shatters]

[vibraphone sting]

[knocking at the door]

-I'm fine, Mother.

I just want to be left alone.

-Sorry, it's me.

Your mom let me in.

-Well, have a seat.

What are you doing here?

-I just wanted to see
how you were doing.

-Me, I-I'm doing great.

Couldn't be better.

-Yeah, I probably should've
called first instead of

just...

Walking in.

-No no, I like a man
that's spontaneous.

And you can't spell
spontaneous without...

Anus...

Spot, I think.

-Cassie, we should talk about
what happened with Maggie.

-Shh!

Before we talk about that, my
prince, why don't I slip into

something more...

Removable?

-Wow, those are your pajamas?

-No, this is just something I
wear sometimes when I'm alone.

My mother always says when
a woman's alone, a man's

probably watching somewhere
from a tree, so you know.

Look your best.

-Yeah that's, uh, good advice.

I guess.

-Why don't I go
put on some music.

[hip hop music]
* Booty, boo-tay

* Hey drop that booty,
make it flop bitch *

* Flop, flop, fl...

* Do you know the muffin man,
the muffin man, the muffin man *

* Do you know...

[smooth jazz music]

yeah, that's better.

You like jazz, Dirk?

-I guess so.

-Mm...

What else do you like, Dirky?

-I like football.

I like hanging out and...

Watching tv.

Oh, I like to eat, heh.

-Ooh, I like where
this is going.

-Oh, you like to eat too?

-Not particularly, but
everyone gets bored at girl

scout camp and they all run
out of cookies eventually.

-Man, I'm hungry now.

-Oh, Dirky.

Oh, look at this.

I found some icing from
when I made cupcakes.

Want a lick.

-Uh, nah.

I don't really like sweets.

-Oh that's good.

Oh, Dirky.

You have a rip in your shirt.

-Where?

-Oh, it's just right...

Over...

-Wow, uh, thanks.

I didn't even notice.

-I didn't know you
knew how to sew.

-I don't.

But uh, now I'm kind of naked.

-Hey Dirk, want to
hear a funny joke?

-Sure.

-Knock knock.

-Who's there?

-Me.

[sultry music]

*

-Ugh, Cassie, what
are you doing?

-I'm...

I'm sorry, I just...

Thank you so much for stopping
by, but I think you should go.

-Cassie, I think you're
totally rad, but...

I'm in love with someone else.

But that doesn't mean I
don't think you're like...

-I know, I know.

I know what you're
going to say.

You think I'm sweet and you
think I'm special and you

think I'm pretty, I know.

I don't think that I'm ugly.

I like me.

It's just that...

It gets harder and
harder believing it.

It's hard having to constantly
remind yourself that you're

special when no one
else seems to think so.

I mean, every day, I put
everything I have out there

and just hope that maybe
someone, some day will see it

and, and that someone will
think I'm special too.

-I guess it's kind of like
ordering a sandwich in the

cafeteria.

I mean, you can see what
the food is and you tell the

ladies what you want,
and they give it to you.

But when you eat it, you're
not really as sure if that's

what it was to begin with.

But it's gone, so
you can't check.

Unless you make
yourself throw up.

You know?

-You're a little bit
different, aren't you?

Yeah, okay.

-Good morning, sunshine.

-What time is it?

-It's time for you to get up,
get out, and then get lost.

-Wait, what's happening?

-Look, I think this whole
charade needs to come to an

end.

I'm tired, you look tired...

All the time, so let's
just finish this.

-But, I don't understand.

-It's simple.

You won't be performing at the
talent competition, or I show

the whole school, including
the principal, the pictures I

took of you last night.

Drinking alcohol, taking
off your clothes,

defiling a television...

Either way, you'll be
suspended if not expelled.

And that's nothing compared
to what I have in store for

Ms. Cassie Glenn.

-Totally rockin' superstar
extraordinaire,

you're welcome?

-Whatever.

I've won.

Now get out.

-You know, it's okay.

-What?

-I want you to know it's okay.

I understand why you're doing
all this, but you really don't

have to.

I've watched you for
a very long time.

We even went to
kindergarten together.

I mean, it's okay if
you don't remember me.

Nobody...

Noticed me, but I noticed you.

You tried so hard to get
everybody to like you, but for

some reason, none of the kids
would pick you for kickball or

share their lunch with you.

But that didn't stop you.

You kept on trying.

And then in junior high,
everything changed for you.

And I was happy for you.

I never hated you, because I
knew you just didn't want to

be alone.

I was so alone before I met
Cassie, and now I never want

to go back to
being that again.

Maybe we could just...

Maybe we could just be friends
one day, and we could all not

be alone together.

-You and I...

Are nothing alike.

I will never be like you.

The difference between us is
that I fought to be who I am.

I fought to get to the top.

And I will fight anyone who
tries to take that away

from me.

Now get out!

-Cassie!

Party!

Defiling!

Blackmail!

Lap dance!

-If you just want to talk
about hooking up with a really

hot black guy last night,
I don't want to hear it.

-No, you don't understand.

That party was just a
setup to blackmail us.

T-The whole, they've been
scamming us the whole time,

and Heather's got
something planned for you.

Something really big, and
it's going to happen today.

-Why should I believe you?

-Because I'm asking you to.

You trusted me once.

Please trust me.

-I'm sorry Maggie, but...

I should've trusted you
from the very beginning.

-Oh Cassie!

Let's never fight again.

-Thanks for letting me
borrow a shirt, Cassie.

-Heh, you're lucky
we're the same size.

See you at school!

-Hey Maggie.

-What's going on with that.

-Oh, he came over super late
last night and slept over.

-You slept with him?

-Well, yeah.

It was super late.

I took his shirt off, but
I couldn't send him home

half-naked.

-Well, did you at
least use a condom?

-What for?

-Um, so you don't
get pregnant?

-Oh, there's no chance
of that happening.

-Haven't you seen the
films in Mr. Klein's class?

If you sleep with a guy
without using a condom you're

gonna get pregnant.

-Oh my God!

Well then we'd better
take a pregnancy test.

-Well, do you have one?

-Yes.

My mom keeps tons
around the house.

Something about not believing
the lie and the plumbing

still works? I dunno.

I just know she buys some new
ones whenever she goes out on

a date.

I'm so freaked out, Maggie,
I can't think straight!

I mean, what do I do with it?

Do I pee on it?

How much pee?

For how long?

Do I poop on it, too?

I don't think I can
do this, Maggie.

-Shh, don't worry about it.

O-okay.

I'm holding the stick.

Whatever you do, just relax
and try and focus on letting

your fountain flow.

-Okay

-Just think about
tinkling thoughts.

And drink some more water.

-I don't know if I can
drink any more water.

I've had three
glasses already.

-It might help if
your bladder's full.

-Okay.

-Just think about watery
thoughts, and rivers, and

rain, and, and
mountain streams.

Maybe think about
somebody else urinating.

In a river, while it's raining,
on top of a wet mountain.

[peeing sound]

Oh look, Cassie,
you're doing it!

-Ha ha ha, I'm doing it!

-Ah, um, you're
still doing it.

-We've got to make
sure we get enough.

-Okay, oh, yeah, I think,
I think that's enough.

- we've gotta make sure.

I'm gonna let her loose.

-No Cass, I don't think
that's gonna help.

[screams]

-Make sure you get
it nice and soaked.

It gives a better reading.

[screaming]

-Don't run from it Mag.

It senses fear.

-Why?

-Agh!

-Now we wait.

-Ah, uh...

Heheh.

-Ah, mhmm.

[toilet flush]

-Well, at least we
know I'm not pregnant.

-Oh, I'm sure someone's going
to lay it to you eventually.

-No, I mean, I had
my first period.

-Maggie, I'm so happy for you.

And I officially
welcome you to the club.

I knew this would happen,
and I knew we'd sync up.

-What do you mean?

-I just started my period.

-That means you
can't be pregnant.

-Ugh, I know, right?

-Why did we take
the pregnancy test?

-I'm very susceptible
to peer pressure.

[bloop]

-Okay.

What are we going
to do about Heather?

-Heather wins.

We should just let her win.

And being popular
was way too hard.

Having to be amazing and
perfect all the time?

It's exhausting!

-But what about
the talent contest?

-You should definitely go.

You're amazingly talented
and you're sure to win.

-But I wanted to
do it together.

-Maggie, you don't need
me holding you back.

You'll do fine without me.

-Okay, I've heard just about
enough of this kind of talk.

I feel like you girls are
missing the point of high

school entirely.

I mean nothing you do matters.

There isn't anything that you
do in high school that's going

to have anything to do with
your future whatsoever.

Just get out there, have
fun, go crazy with it!

Get pregnant if you can.

It's a lot harder
than it looks.

Anyway, sleep with the whole
football team if

they'll let you.

Just remember: have fun.

Make the most of these years.

No matter what you do, you'll
never get these years back.

But no matter what happens,
you'll always be my little...

Cassie?

[announcer]
Now for the amazing...

-I swear to God, if I have to
hear one more heartfelt speech

I'm going to period
all over the place.

-Humpty Dumpty?

Scarecrow?

What are you two doing here?

-We're performing, Heather.

We're not afraid of
you anymore, Heather.

We are tired of trying to
impress you or beat you or get

you to respect us, or just
get you to leave us alone.

You're not important
to us anymore.

-Oh, we'll see about that.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a story to tell.

-Don't you think you're
taking all this way too far?

I mean, you're coming
off a little desperate.

- I'm a little desperate?

-Yeah.

-That's funny,
coming from you.

Don't think I don't know
you've been obsessing over

Dirk.

Yeah, I figured it out.

Almost made me throw up.

That's just sick.

You're lucky Dirk's too stupid
to realize his best friend's

just a sick pervert that's
been stalking him and living

off my scraps.

Well I'm done feeding you, and
it's time for you to go hang

with the rest of the
dogs where you belong.

He belongs to me and
you will never have him.

Freak.

[percussive music]

*

[applause]

-Up next is our very own
modeling talent.... Um,

Heather.

-Hello everyone!

My name is Heather, and I'm
here to model for you today.

But not just model.

I'm here to tell you a story.

-Hey, that's my diary!

-And of course, look
great while doing it!

It's the story of a girl who
just moved to a new school.

But this girl was
different than the rest.

She was secretly a freak!

And she befriended other
freaks, and they started a

freak band, and they liked to
force themselves onto innocent

pretty girls' boyfriends, and
they liked to drink bubble

bath, and they probably eat
garbage when nobody's looking!

You can tell because, then
after they like to wear it.

-[crying]

-Clap!

[scattered applause]

-Wasn't that wonderful?

-Thank you.

-Next, we have...

-I'm so sorry.

I can't do this.

Things were so much easier
before people knew I existed.

She's right, look at us.

We are freaks.

-Exactly!

Maggie, we are freaks,
and that's awesome.

Look at all the totally
awesome freaky things we've

done.

We went to a party
and totally owned it.

We weren't even invited.

We were asked out by the
two hottest guys in school

on a double date.

We took off our panties.

We even went to see a
zombie fortune teller.

-Psychic.

-See, and you're one of those
too, not to mention an amazing

rapper.

I know it, now it's time to
let the whole school know it.

We may be freaks, but we're
the freakiest freaks and we're

going to go freak their
mother-freaking minds.

-I love it when you
pep talk, Cassie.

-And next, we have the song
stylings of Cassie Glenn and

Maggie Miller

[together]
* Show the good

* Show the good inside

* You're my friend

* There's no need to hide

- * I'm M.C. Maggie and I'm here
to shout *

* If you like what you
see, then check us out *

-Yeah, check 'em
out

[crowd gasps]

-Oh my God

-Gross!

-Gross!

-[gasps]

-[gasps]

-Hit it.

[upbeat music]

*

* Show the goods

* Show them what
you've got *

* You're a freak

* Make it freakin' hot

* Show the goods

* Show them you are proud

* You're a freak

* Make it freakin' loud

- * That's my main man
Brett with his hiney shake *

* And see it wiggle, see it
sizzle like crispy bacon *

* And my homegirl funky
yummy muffin cask *

* Gonna take some baked
beats to rock her ass *

* Take off her clothes
tell me what you think *

* Take off my panties
'cause I'm pretty in pink *

* I take off my bra
'cause I help the needy *

* They ain't much, but
they bigger Ally Sheedy's *

- *...show 'em
what you got *

* You're a freak

* Make it freakin' hot

- * We're talkin' out of
school and ruffling feathers *

* We're ten times cooler
than any Heathers *

* Don't care what you
think, or haven't you heard? *

* Freaks are in, it's
revenge of the nerds *

* So join our crew,
let's cause a scandal *

* Gonna burn brighter
than "Sixteen Candles" *

* Feeling hotter than
St. Elmo's fire *

* Keep Rob Lowe, just
give me Jon Cryer *

-Cassie, I just
wanted to thank you.

Last night you showed me I've
been with the wrong person all

along.

I need to be with someone
who makes me feel special.

And the right one has been
right in front of me the

whole time.

-You mean, you really do l...

Oh, still not me.

Got it. Great. Awesome.

That's great for you both.

I'm so happy.

-I'm John, by the way.

You got some skills.

I like that.

-Thanks.

-Do you want to
maybe grab some...

-Yes!

I mean... Sure.

I mean, whatever.

Cool.

Fo' sho'.

[nervous laughter]

-Cool.

-[giggles]

Oh my God, Cassie, it happened
just like you predicted.

Maybe you're the psychic one.

-No, I shaved.

-Okay.

-It's just...

I thought it would all end
a bit differently, you know?

I mean, I didn't get the boy.

The other boy did.

And turns out I really don't
have a talent after all.

I don't know.

I just don't feel very
totally rockin' superstar

extraordinaire right now.

-But you do have a talent.

I mean, look around you.

All this is happening
because of you.

I mean, i-it may not be a
talent you can put on a stage

and win a contest with...

But you do something
no one else can.

You change people.

Make them live.

And beyond a doubt, you are
a totally rockin' superstar

extraordinaire.

-You're welcome.

-You're also my best friend.

-Thank you, for
being my best friend.

-You're welcome

-[laughs]

* Show the goods,
show the goods *

* Show 'em what you got

* You're a freak...

-[screams]

* Show the goods,
show the goods *

* Show them you are proud

* You're a freak, a freak

* Make it freakin' loud

* Show the goods,
show the goods *

* Show 'em what you got

* You're a freak, a freak

* Make it freakin' hot

* Show the goods

*

-Happy birthday, Cassie.

Thanks for bringing
us together.

-I'm gay now.

-Cake!

-Word up.

-Make a wish.

-Happy birthday, cupcake.

I live here now.

Yeah, you like it.

-Hot angry homeless guy?

You guys!

[all laughing]

-Happy birthday, Cassie.

[clapping]

[upbeat music]

*

* Who wants to be a woman?

* Not me for sure (no way)

* 'Cause my mom is
old and stupid *

* And I'm never
gonna be like her *

* You know I know
how to party *

* And wear the coolest,
hippest clothes (so perfect) *

* And if you
check out my braces *

* They match the
polish on my toes *

* We are girls and
we wanna have fun *

* See our world's just begun,
gonna play while we're young *

* We are girls and we
tease all the boys *

* And we make lots of noise,
don't care who it annoys *

* We are girls

* We are girls

*

* When we go to the mall

* I get eight friends
in my car (shotgun) *

* Then we all
share a cookie *

* And talk about how fat we
are (except we're not fat) *

* We dance in our
bras and our panties *

* I love to hang out
with my friends *

* And cry alone
in the bathroom *

* You see the
party never ends *

* We are girls put
the boys in a trance *

* Suffer through
menstrual cramps *

* Show the world we
can dance *

* We are girls
and we are who we are *

* Yeah, we'll go pretty far
and leave emotional scars *

* We are girls

* We are girls

* Girls