Original subtitles

♫ Class act ♫

♫ Oh ♫

♫ Class act ♫

♫ Oh ♫

♫ Oh ♫

♫ Class act ♫

♫ Work that body ♫

♫ Work that body ♫

♫ Class act, yeah ♫

♫ Things aren't always what they seem ♫

♫ in this world of broken dreams ♫

♫ teacher, tell me what to do ♫

♫ I'm trying hard to make it through ♫

♫ so I'm looking to you ♫

♫ please just don't turn your back ♫

♫ in my heart, in my soul ♫

♫ I believe that I am a class act ♫

♫ oh ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ oh ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ class act, yeah ♫

♫ have more work than children play ♫

♫ a-falling down the other day ♫

♫ 17, a football star ♫

♫ another young life ripped apart ♫

♫ so I'm looking to you ♫

♫ please just don't turn your back ♫

♫ in my heart, in my soul ♫

♫ I believe that I am a class act ♫

♫ oh ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ oh ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ class act, yeah ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ class act, yeah ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ class act, yeah ♫

♫ class act, yeah ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ class act, yeah ♫

♫ class act ♫

yo! I mean, hey!

Look, this isn't me.

I'm Duncan pinderhughes.

Look, I was a genius.

I am a genius.

Look, I've been framed!

Uh-huh. And I'm pee-wee Herman.

That's funny. No, no. You don't get it.

You see, I was on my way to college. Double 800s, 4.0.

You know, get a degree in biochemistry

or applied mathematical engineering sciences.

But it didn't turn out that way.

I came from a good, wholesome, intellectually stimulating environment.

And blade... he's the other guy I'm gonna tell you about.

Well, he... he's from the hood.

So you can see our lives have been completely opposite.

Uh-huh.

Look, let me start from the beginning.

Maybe that'll help clear things up.

You know, clarify things.

Duncan made water in potty.

While I was concerned with the finer points of etiquette,

blade was playing yellow streams by I.P. Freely.

Put that away.

Huh?

I was a veritable human sponge,

soaking up the wealth of knowledge the world had to offer.

Blade was becoming a smut king.

I was the perfect child who learned to share...

While blade was becoming a hardened criminal.

I was always looking into the future and beyond.

He was looking next door.

Yeah.

I was well on the road to the academic hall of fame.

Blade was well on his way to Alcatraz.

It was the summer before my senior year

and we had just moved to a new neighborhood.

Could you excuse us?

There's a couple of good can eatings for shanking over there in the corner.

See? I was set.

But one of us was still vacationing

with the brothers at his favorite summer resort.

Yo, be cool, blade.

I don't like being angry.

But you have to stay calm.

I tried to do that, but you know, it's just

it's just not happening.

Juvey dick reichert, what a pleasant surprise.

What's going on, my man?

Still trying to take a bite out of crime?

When am I gonna blow this joint?

When you're a good boy, Michael.

Don't give me this crap. You can't keep me in here, man.

I shouldn't even be in here. No matter what laws...

oh, shut up.

I'm a black minor being oppressed.

How about we call the naacp down here?

Aah! Aah! You're giving me a headache.

Ow! Ow! Ow! My ears are bleeding.

How about Al sharpton, Jesse Jackson,

the minister farrakhan?

Here's a newsflash, okay?

Farrakhan's not coming here to bail any petty car thieves.

If it was up to me, you'd stay here until this guy looked good.

Don't look at me like that.

But it's not up to me. And the, uh, judge is letting you out.

See? That's what I'm talking about.

Raise your voice and people listen.

I'm a free man! Power to the people!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

Not so fast.

The judge is letting you out pending certain conditions.

What conditions?

First, you gotta go to school

and you have to get good grades.

Come on, man. Me and school, that's like oil and vinegar. They don't mix.

That's oil and water. Whatever.

Look. It's very simple.

You wanna get outta here, you go back to school.

You'll turn 18 before the end of the semester

that means you're not gonna be a minor anymore.

If you don't get good grades, or you're caught fighting

or hanging out with the brothers,

if I catch you so much as wiping your ass sideways, pal

that's gonna be a violation of your probation,

and I'm gonna bust you as an adult!

Wiping my ass sideways. What are you talking about?

Damn, homey, you don't like me, do you?

Oh, I almost forgot.

The judge has arranged for a special parting gift for you before you leave.

That's what I'm talking about. That's all I've been asking for, a little respect.

Fuck you!

Aah!

What happened next was... that hamburger sure looks good.

Tastes good, too, punk.

Dr. Oppenheimer, Dr. Martin.

From the bottom of my heart,

speaking as a third-generation pinderhughes,

this is the culmination of a lifelong dream.

Go, raging beavers.

Well, well, then, Duncan.

Hafford has the highest admittance standards in the world.

The fact that you had a perfect s.A.T. Score, a 4.0 grade average...

well, as far as we at hafford are concerned... is insufficient.

I beg your pardon?

What he means is, all of your accomplishments will go for naught

if you can't pass a p.E. Course

to satisfy your high school graduation requirements.

No graduation, no hafford.

Well, doctors, we moved because we found a school

that grades physical education on a pass/fail basis.

I didn't have to fake asthma anymore.

Duncan was never very athletic.

Oh, oh, oh.

Get your transcripts in.

By the 1st.

Everything was chillin' till that first day of school.

Hello.

Hi.

Sorry, sir.

Unlock the damn door.

[Indistinct shouting]

Come on in the building there.

Go ahead on in the building.

Mm-m-m-m. Own this Booty baby!

Berman! Damn kids, get on my damn nerves.

Hey! Hey!

Ooh! Jail bait. Ooh.

Unh! Whoa!

Uhh! Hey, don't!

Ooh, my goodness.

Aah!

And there it was...

the one mistake that would change the rest of my life.

How big were them titties?

Oh, they were...

wait a minute. Let's get back to the story.

Quite a record, young man.

No joke.

It's quite a profile.

That's quite an s.A.T. Score.

Yeah. I got my name right.

A crime. What a crime.

Which one?

It's a crime you can't get higher than a 4.0.

Clearly, you need an even greater challenge than that.

Challenge? Yes!

Someone like you gets bored in a place like this.

Got that, boy.

Good! That's why I've come up

with something a little extra for you.

What extra?

How would you like to show off what you can do on TV?

On what, America's most wanted?

That's very funny. No.

It's a local TV competition show called the knowledge bowl.

TV competition?

It's a face-off between students from rival schools.

Hard-hitting, one-on-one,

mano a mano. That's it.

When I heard you were going to spend your senior year with us,

I took the liberty of entering Higgins high as a contestant on the show.

I want you to lead our team against that opposing school and knock 'em dead.

I know you can do it. It's in your record.

Beat the crap out of 'em?

Yes. Beat the crap out of 'em.

Murder them. Put their heads to bed.

Rip their arms out of their sockets.

Out of their sockets. Right!

I've been looking for a school like this all my life

that could take advantage of my special skills.

I think we understand each other.

Just, uh... Lean on me, bro.

You!

In here... Now.

This is unbelievable!

Thank you, principal kratz.

You call this an s.A.T. Score?

They said it was the first of its kind.

Well, they weren't kidding.

It seems to me...

It seems to me that if you don't get at least a 3.0,

you are in deep doo-doo.

I'm shooting for a 4.0, sir.

Hey, don't give me any of your smart guy stuff.

I know you think you're one in a million.

Statistically, I'm actually 1 in 3.75 million.

Well, I don't give a hootenanny what you think you are, bub.

You're not gonna intimidate me, Jack.

Now, get outta here before I call security.

But, sir... hey, hey, hey! Just...

Back off. You give me any trouble, I'll call the cops.

Get back to class.

So we got our class schedules

and went on our merry ways.

[Handel's hallelujah chorus plays]

So beautiful.

[Reciting Latin verse]

Button it up, sweetheart.

Welcome to advanced Latin.

Advanced what?

It's an honor to have you in my class.

Yeah, right.

What's the trick? Where's reichert?

You know reichert? Yeah.

He's a brilliant poet. He is?

I'm, uh, miss Simpson. It's joanne.

Kindly bear with me.

I'm going to attempt to be your teacher.

As if you needed a teacher.

Yeah, picture that.

Please, have a seat.

Whoa!

Damn.

Where you from?

An object..

The object of a transitive verb

is affected, however lightly,

by what the verb asserts.

An intransitive verb...

Don't be throwing that stuff.

Does not need an object to complete it.

An affix is a syllable,

a syllable put...

Yo, yo, yo, my man.

I know you're not sitting in my favorite seat.

So, move. Move, dope.

Hey, homeperm.

I know you're not sitting in my second-favorite seat.

But I thought you said...

shut up. Yo, give me some ducats,

loot, cash, dough, cabbage, green.

You want me to pay you to sit here? Are you crazy?

Of course I'm crazy!

You got me all wrong, spongecake head.

I want you to pay me for the privilege

for you not to sit there on the floor.

Just save it, man.

Save the money, buy yourself some new kicks,

'cause my three sons joints you got is whack.

Pencil, uh, crayons, uh, magic marker.

They all the same to me. I'm easy.

Amor

omnia

vincit.

Love conquers all.

Latin.

It's the father of all romance languages.

[Crunch]

You sure you're in the right place, man?

It says I belong here.

Well, since I will be harassing you the entire semester,

you should know my name.

How you doing? My name's popsicle.

Cheerio. Ha ha.

Why do they call you popsicle?

Wedge says 'cause I'm cool, but sloppy. I don't agree.

What's a wedge? That's a wedge.

Where my money at? I ain't got, man.

Where my money at? Give it up, man.

I'll give you this. Back off.

I said back off.

Give me that gun.

Open the door.

Aah!

Move, punk. Get off of me.

Yo!

Yo!

What the hell are you doing with my female, man?

Chill. Chill. I'm alright. Stop.

Tell me why I shouldn't cause a six-car pile-up on your head.

Because you're really a nice guy and we should be friends?

Yo, homewedge. I think you better think about this.

Tell him about the last fool to mess with you.

Chill out.

Tell him what you did to him.

I did his book report for him.

No. He's my man.

No, no, no. Yo. Shut up.

Do the words "intensive care" mean anything to you?

No.

How about "multiple con...

Contusions."

"Contusions, and fractures..."

Intensive care?

"With severe internal injuries

with a major conclusion." That's a lot of pain.

Your days of bruising are over.

I want to introduce to you my man...

two teeth, one leg longer than the other,

hurricane Hugo-hip-havoc,

twisted, two-tied torso from Texas,

a boy of prevention that his girl got extensions.

My man, a.K.A. Michael Charles, a.K.A. Blade brown.

I dare you to hit him.

So you're blade brown, huh?

Check this out, blade.

You stay out of my way, you dig?

You dig?

I dug.

Sit!

Everybody, get up.

Now... Reading is fundamental.

Let us get on with this school thing.

You, teach!

Oh, yes. Reading is fundamental.

Okay, class.

We are now going to have 20 minutes of free time.

So, uh, you're blade?

Well, I heard about you and sherelle from lawanda

who told davonne who told Cecilia

who told me that, uh, you had it goin' on.

I don't think it's a good idea that you and I talk.

And, uh, sherelle told lawanda who told davonne

who told aletha who told me that, uh...

You know how to do things

that she never dreamed about doin'.

Is that true?

Well, I... I can do some things.

Couple things.

I never quite met a guy like you before.

Me, neither.

Hi. My name's Ellen. Ellen grove.

What's up, babe?

I read your argument for lipopolysaccharide-induced modulation

of human monocyte urokinase production and activity

in the high school national science review.

Say what, girl?

It was outstanding.

♫ ♫ ♫

good morning, students. This is your principal, Mr. kratz.

I want to welcome you all

to another new and glorious year

here at Higgins high.

We're kicking things off with our annual antidrug rally.

We hope you'll join us

for a rockin' good time.

But what really makes me proud

as a school administrator

is that I have just signed up a new arrival here,

he's probably the smartest student I've ever met,

to head up a team representing our school

at the knowledge bowl,

Mr. Duncan pinderhughes.

Who?

Duncan personally assured me this morning

that he would rip their arms out of their sockets.

Well, get back to work.

♫ ♫ ♫...

♫

Duncan, you're so intellectually aggressive.

Wait a minute. I'm not...

maybe I am.

And a predicate.

Prepositional phrases contain a preposition,

its sub-objects, and any modifier.

I.E., in the sunny garden, after my arrival,

by the cool fountain. Transitive verbs, class...

Do I look stupid to you?

Is that a trick question?

I told you to stay out of my shit.

Now, she is my shit.

You, me. Parking lot. After school.

[Bell rings]

I'd love to, Mr. wedge,

but I do homework after school.

I don't care. You just have your ass there.

Let's go, baby.

"Do I look stupid to you?"

You seen blade? Blade brown?

Hell, no.

You seen blade, sweetheart? No.

You seen blade? Anybody seen blade?

Yo, blade, how's it hangin'? My main man.

Uh, it's hangin' okay, I guess.

Okay, well, catch you later, man.

Principal kratz!

There's been a terrible mistake...

you must be blade brown.

No. That's the mistake.

[Whirring]

I'm Duncan pinderhughes.

No.

No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No.

I'm Duncan pinderhughes. You think that's funny?

You think that's a joke? Come here.

Say hello to my friend.

Ow! Ow! Aah!

[Whirring]

Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah.

What's the matter, man?

Something tells me you're blade brown.

Where you going? You stay right here.

Look. I'm not having a great day.

First somebody wants to beat me up for being you.

Then you wanna beat me up for not being you.

Then you want me to be you. What do you want from me?

No, don't be me. You be you for me.

You ace all my classes this semester and I'll let you live.

You don't, and you die. Come on.

Look. This afternoon after school,

I've got a Mountain named wedge who wants to pile-drive my head.

How can I act my way through a fight?

Leave it up to me, Dukes.

[Whirring]

You keep this act up, or you be drivin'

with one of those handicapped stickers on your car.

You know what I'm sayin'? Don't tell anybody,

I mean nobody, about this. Nobody.

And you gonna be in that parking lot after school. Got it?

Okay. Now... Class is over.

Dismissed. Come on!

[Clock ticking]

T-minus 10...

2...1...

[Bell rings]

Let's get ready to rumble!

Alright, alright!

Get out of my way, man! Okay. Okay.

$2.00! Who's got money?

Yo, I got it covered. We'll get paid on this fight.

Good boy. That's a good boy.

Excuse me, excuse me! Damn freak.

It's me, Duncan pincushion.

It's pinderhughes.

Yo. I just peeped that punk wedge

runnin' home to mama.

My man blade here's legit as they say.

I mean legitimate.

I gotta go. I gotta go bust out some homework.

That's right. That's right. You heard the nerd.

Pay the man. Pay the man.

Blade, you freaked that kid wedge out

and didn't even break a sweat.

You the man! Yo, here's your cut. 80-20.

That's cool? Cool. Can I roll with you?

Roll?

Hang with you? You back me up, I back you up.

Sure, I guess.

Move out the way!

The man's comin' through! Move.

One stop.

Get out the way, punk! Hey!

Yo, move! Pave the way for the king.

Pave the way for my man!

Blade, why don't this time you give me your number?

You want my number?

I... I don't have any paper.

That's alright.

Just put it right... Here.

I'm lookin' for blade brown. Anyone seen him?

Tell him juvey dick reichert's lookin' for him.

Can you remember that? That's one word each.

Juvey dick reichert. Got it?

You want my address, too?

Psst. Come here.

Pinhead. Come here. Now.

Oh. Gotta go.

See you later, datitty... uh, damita.

Okay.

Could I go home now? Please?

See. That's what I gotta talk to you about.

People gotta think you're me.

So I've been thinkin'. Oh, no.

I want you to take Lucille home.

Lucille?

Yeah. What about my parents?

My father would have a coronary if I brought a woman home.

She's not pregnant, is she?

This is Lucille. I tricked her out myself.

Are you crazy? I can't drive. I don't have a license.

Me, neither. So you'll learn. 'Cause if you mess her up,

I mean get one itsy-bitsy scratch

on her customized paint job, we goin' back to wood shop.

Come on, get in there.

Get in there!

[Starts engine]

Lucille's got one of the most sophisticated

fuel-burning hydraulic systems in the world.

I ain't even getting into her high-tech lubrication

flow-bearing rotation design. Yo, she's bad!

My bike's third gear's a killer, too, if you're going downhill.

Oh, yeah? Where's she at? Right there.

You ain't got a bike. You got a bike.

Cool, huh?

Get lost, pinderpiss, and don't mess her up. Go!

Yo, yo, man!

Get your foot off the brake!

Whoa, Lucille. Whoa.

Girl, that's blade brown.

He is fine!

Hey, look out, idiot!

Damn!

Are you okay? Step off.

I'm... I'm outta here.

Bye.

That's Duncan pinderhughes.

He's wonderful.

This isn't mine.

That's a hell of a car.

If it's the last thing I do.

Me, the blade. How can the blade go out like this?

I don't believe it.

Curb, curb, curb...

Aah!

Damn pinderpuke.

Who is it?

It's me, ma. Michael.

[Door unlocks]

Sounds like you added more locks to the door, ma.

Mm-hmm.

I'm out. Ain't you glad to see me?

The judge says I got to look after you?

Do me a favor. Stay out of trouble.

I hope you didn't pay for that haircut.

You know, Duncan,

you could take 2, maybe 3 inches off the top there.

Dad, we've been through this before.

I'm just expressing myself... Aerodynamically.

Did you meet anyone at school today

that's up to your social level,

your intellectual abilities?

No, actually, I... I didn't.

Duncan, it's not just what you know.

It's who you know.

I couldn't agree with you more, dear.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, I'll get it.

[Doorbell rings repeatedly]

[Pounding on door]

Now, that's ridiculous.

Damn, what took you so long? Can't you hear?

Oh my! Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for Duncan.

Blade! What a surprise.

Nice crib.

Uh, mom, dad, this is my friend, blade.

Blade? That's your name?

Dad? Is that yours?

Blade came by to get some help with his homework.

Really? What seems to be the problem?

You got a problem?

Uh... Isn't he funny?

Well, we've got lots to do. Blade, let's go upstairs, okay?

Alright. We'll be back.

Check this out.

It took years to build up my rep.

I ain't letting no punk like you ruin it.

Alright. What's so special about being you, anyway?

First, you gotta dress right.

Style is more than just a state of mind, my brother,

so I brought you some gear.

Oh, yeah.

Yes. You, too, can be a soul train dancer.

What you talkin' about? This gear is hype, man.

Not like that kmart stuff you be wearin'.

Kmart? This is not Kmart.

This is JC Penney's top of the line, buddy.

Whoa, whoa. Don't start yellin'.

Now, for starters,

let's get rid of these.

Ah! Here. Take this.

That's not hygienic!

I'll give you hygienic! Take it!

Oh, yeah. Fits like a charm.

One more thing to take care of.

What's that? That.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

What is going on up there?

I better check this out.

You know you're gonna like it. Stop squirming.

Will you stop blowin' me? It's getting me much too hot.

Ow!

Dear, what's the matter?

Julie, have you ever wondered

about our son's sexual preference?

You know, I never really was aware that he had one.

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no.

The blade trademark is in full effect.

Bye, dad.

Bye, dad.

Was that our son?

I like the way the top comes off the back.

Like lego... on, off.

Shut up.

Wind through your hair.

Breeze through the dreads.

Shut up. Why are we here?

See the way I look at it is, if you're gonna be blade brown,

you gotta know where blade brown comes from.

I thought you crawled out from under a rock.

Damn.

Hey.

You hurt my tooth. Not the gold one, my bicuspid.

Bicuspid.

How's your tooth now?

Boy, are you sensitive.

How you doing, sweetheart?

Hi, blade.

You got to follow me, the leader.

Stay close.

Blade!

Missed you, sweetheart. How you doing?

Hey, hey! I missed you, too.

Alright, alright. Hey, homeboy, what's up?

The man is in the house! Get off of me!

Alright, come on. Follow, man.

You got to keep up if you want to learn.

Alright!

You wanna jingle, baby?

Come on, sexy.

Ah, do you come a lot? I mean, do you come here a lot?

You know, when I saw you from across the room,

I kinda figured that you and I would...

would you like to dance with me?

You know what I think of when I look at you?

I think of schussing down the slopes

of the blue Ridge mountains.

Where have you been all my life?

So how about it?

Twice the fun.

How you doing? Oop!

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get that?

Oh, my God. Oh. Oh!

Yo, Simon, homeboy, it's been one hell of a night, man!

Lisa, right?

Oh, I...

♫ I can't feel it 'cause... ♫

yo, watch my female, man!

♫ Body language talking constantly ♫

♫ not a lot of time ♫

♫ now, lucky ladies' night... ♫

♫ lucky ladies' night now ♫

what's up, man? You got a problem?

Yo, yo, chill! He's with me, fellas. Chill.

Alright! Hey! What's up?

Not much, man. Yo, fruity, go-go,

this is my man d. He's alright with me.

Fresh do, man.

Don't worry.

We got business to talk later. Got to go.

Wait. I was into it.

Why you hugging the brother, stupid?

Don't call me stupid.

You stupid, man.

Can we please go home now?

Sit here!

Let me break this down to you. You got to kick the language

as if you got it going on.

Like, with the program.

Like a Microsoft word program on my computer?

No. Listen.

Speak to the people as though you're with it,

ain't new to this.

Okay. Okay.

I don't understand. It's like...

You don't kick some butt.

You be kickin' some ass!

You don't hit on a girl.

You'd be hittin' on a bitch!

Okay. I get it. I use the word "be"

followed by the gerund or first person singular of the verb.

You know, like, I be going home,

or I be getting a good mark in class.

That's hype!

What? Hype! Stupid! Dope!

Livin' large! In the mix!

One thing at a time. Back to this "be" thing.

What if it's used with an intransitive verb?

Say what?

Let's say I'm on a plane to New York.

Would I be fly on the plane to New York?

Well, that depends.

Depends on what?

On you be wearing.

Be fly if I dress a certain way?

That's right.

That's stupid. Thanks.

I said that was stupid.

I said thanks.

You deaf?

The deafest brother on this block.

You're deaf? That's right.

I think blade brown is the biggest asshole on the planet.

Hey! You're not deaf.

Stop dissin' me. I'll kick you in your mouth!

Thanks for that little walk on the wild side.

I be needing to get to bed now.

I be needing my suitcase.

See ya. I'm outta here.

Wait. Since I'm doing something for you,

you have to do something for me.

I am doing something for you. I'm letting you live. Remember?

And I appreciate that, but in addition,

you've got to help me pass phys. Ed.

Oh, sports. No problem. I'm dope in sports.

Man, if you don't get off me...

You'll need some of my clothes.

Shirt here.

[Squeak]

And, oh...

Shoes to make it complete.

I don't think so. I'll get my own.

Well, if you do, don't forget the pennies.

Nice pennies.

Damn! Oh!

Hey, you know that kid of yours,

he'll make one hell of a homey.

Nice cups.

Did he say homo?

[Knock on door]

Open this door, man!

[Knocking]

Holy mackerel, here. What's going on in here?

Step off, man!

Blade brown...

Your ass is mine!

Okay, gentlemen, I'm only going to say this once, so listen up.

I don't want no cheating, no fighting,

no biting, no spitting, or any unfair sports play.

Alright, listen up. I'm only gonna say this once

'cause tomorrow, you candy asses are gonna walce into here.

With a doctors note

for everything, from sensitive skin to asthma.

I wanna see, good, clean sportsmanship.

Now, get out there and have some fun!

I said have some fun!

Let's go, y'all!

It's coming at me. What do I do?

Catch it, man.

What do I do now?

Run!

♫ My, my, my ♫

♫ you can't touch this music hits me so hard ♫

♫ makes me say "oh, my lord" ♫

♫ thank you for blessing me ♫

hi.

Hey, ladies.

Aah! Aah!

Sorry.

♫ You can't touch me ♫

♫ I told you, homeboy ♫

♫ yeah, that's how we livin' ♫

merry Christmas, wedge.

What you doing, man?

[Crash]

[Crash]

Aah!

Have a nice day, kid.

Go get 'em, man.

Don't I know...

Thanks.

Mommy!

I'm sorry, man.

Aagh.

Yo, coach.

He was a tough one, man.

1...2...3. You're out of there.

Blade is it? Come on out here.

I want to see how well you can kick that football.

Do I have to, sir?

Yes, you have to, sir.

Where do you want me to kick it?

Between those two pointy sticks.

That's a 50-yard kick.

Come on, man.

[Laughter]

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Yeah!

How'd you do that?

Actually, it's quite simple.

It's simply a matter of calculating the wind velocity

gravitational pull, the angle of deflection

symmetry, and the weight of the ball.

Do it again.

♫ Class act ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ class act ♫

check it out. Huh?

Yay! Yay! Yay!

♫ Things aren't always what they seem ♫

♫ in this world of broken dreams ♫

you're going out for football.

You're going to be my secret weapon,

you and me are gonna be real close.

Hey, Mr. froggy, you want a lick?

Wanna lick, Mr. froggy?

You know, this is quite an interesting species of frog.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, he's so wet and slippery.

Mmm, biology is so real, huh?

Damita, you were going to play with my frog.

Your frog ain't jumping in my direction.

There's a new tadpole in town.

Here's my address. Pick me up tonight around 8:00

so we can get that biology thing happening.

[Imitating wedge] Damita, I thought you were gonna to play

with my frog!

Duncan pinderhughes.

Duncan. Huh?

You prepared to give your dissertation?

Disser what?

Your dissertation on human sexuality and reproduction.

You got the wrong, uh, student, teach.

I'm not ready to give my dissemation.

Dissertation. Why not?

It was in the syllabus. Whose bus?

Syllabus!

Because I need help,

and the only assistant here

smart enough to help me is, uh... Her.

Okay. I'll give you a one-day extension.

Good looking out, teach.

The name's Mrs. ipswitch.

Whatever.

Okay. Ellen, let's get back to base oppression.

Duncan.

Oh, hi. Hi.

My home address.

Um, why don't you call me tonight,

and we can get started on that, um...

Dissertation.

Uh, yeah, sure.

Okay. Bye.

Hey, what do you think?

Yo, baby, what do you think of the Brooks brothers?

I'm just gonna go home get started on the dissection paper

on my database.

Wait. See you tonight, right?

Bye. Alright. Later.

[Revs engine]

You got your shit off on the football field,

but let's see what you got now.

[Siren]

Ohh!

Thanks for bailing me out of jail, mink.

Don't think I'm paying for this. You're paying me back, alright?

Let's get the hell outta here.

You look like a slab of meat in rocky.

So... Having some problems at school?

Oh, no, mink, everything is cool.

Cool. It's cool.

Cool. Cool.

Well, I hear differently.

I hear that blade brown

has got you looking like a chump, man.

Is that right?

I hear that the whole school's looking up to him.

Oh, brother, that's bad for business.

Sorry, mink.

They are supposed to be looking up to you

and only you.

Now, if that's a problem,

I have to get rid of you.

Let's go, fellas.

♫ So I'm lookin' to you ♫

♫ please just don't turn your back ♫

♫ in my heart, in my soul ♫

♫ I believe that I am a class act ♫

♫ oh ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ oh ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ class act, yeah ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ class act, yeah ♫

aagh!

♫ Class act ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ class act, yeah ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ work that body ♫

♫ class act, yeah ♫

hey.

There she blows!

Ooh!

5,000, pops.

Duncan!

Yo, Ellen, what's up?

So glad you're here. Come on.

Sure.

Hey, little red riding hood!

Where are you going, to grandma's house?

Little red riding hood!

Ain't you in the wrong neighborhood, boy?

Where you goin'? You don't belong around here.

Is this 6714?

What you think, man?

What's up? It's about time.

I'm going, pops.

Umph!

God.

Hey. You ready?

Ready?

I thought we were going to do the biology paper.

Sugar, we need to do a little more research first.

Huh? Huh? Hmm?

Oh, that is fresh.

You are rolling big-time!

Let's see how fast it goes.

Wait a minute.

That has very sophisticated,

uh, fuel-burning hydraulic system.

Hey, you got any dogs around here or something?

No, we don't have a dog.

Sure the neighbors don't have any dog or something?

If I ruin these shoes...

I paid a lot for these shoes, girl.

Come on, Duncan.

I felt something, something moist.

So these are one of those garbanzos?

Gazebo. Whatever.

You know what I like about you, Duncan?

You may be a serious scholar,

but you have a wild streak hidden deep inside you.

No shit.

See, I love it, when you talk dirty like that.

Ohh, Duncan.

I want to find my wild side.

No. Not you.

I don't believe it. You got one?

Yes, I do.

No, no, no, no. You don't get it.

You see that flower right there?

Yeah.

You're like that flower...

all soft and pretty,

respectable-like,

you know what I'm saying?

And what are you like?

Me? I'm like the other flower...

all rough and ugly,

nothing you'd want to decorate your living room with.

It's dying.

How sexy.

Sexy?

What's so sexy about that?

In much ado about nothing,

Shakespeare wrote,

"I will live in thy heart...

"Die in thy lap...

And be buried in thy eyes."

Yeah? So?

Well, so in his time,

to die... the way he used it...

meant to have a sexual orgasm.

Hold up. My man Shakespeare, was rapping about poppin' in some girl?

Well, I guess you could say that.

Oh, I'm sorry. I meant making love.

Yeah.

You really are something kind of wild, boy.

Yeah?

Listen, I got something to tell you.

You do?

Never mind. Come on. Let's go.

I know someplace nearby. Come on.

♫ Let me show you why ♫

♫ your body can't lie to me ♫

♫ 'cause I know despite your meanings ♫

♫ your body can't lie to me... ♫

oh, miss thing, how you doing?

You look just like Robin givens, baby.

Just call me Mike Tyson. Where you goin'?

Mine eyes have seen the glory!

I got to have that, man.

Don't mind them. We'll eat and blow out of here.

Say, you don't mind if one of my friends here

dances with your lady, do you?

Yeah, baby, come on.

Look, you're messin' with the wrong bitch. Okay?

Oh, baby, I like a female with a mind.

Take your greasy, activator-dripping,

jherri curl hands off me, okay?

I ain't got no jherri curl! This is natural, baby.

I only put lemon juice in it.

Don't touch me. My man is not gonna stand for that.

Who? Him? What's mop-top gonna do,

cry all over us?

Lenny kravitz-looking somebody, man.

I say we flip him.

Heads we beat him up, tails we beat him up.

Ya, man. Y'all kick his ass.

Blade, ain't you gonna stand up for me?

The blade?

Yo, man, you blade brown?

Uh, yeah.

I mean, uh...

Yeah, fool!

You wanna make something of it?

No, sir, Mr. brown.

We misunderstood.

We was just fooling around.

Oh, you were, huh? No. I think the three of you...

I think y'all were trying to play me!

No. No, man.

Look, y'all, I am blade brown,

the dopest, hypest brother on the block.

True, true.

I think y'all be needing to get outta here

before you force me to clarify myself...

With my fists! Like this.

Ohh! Ohh!

Come on, girl.

I think we be needing some fresh air. This place is through.

Whatever you say, baby.

Ohh! Ohh!

Wait a minute.

What are you looking at?

Look...

I'm sorry.

Excuse me. What was that?

I said I was sorry.

Oh. That's what I thought you said.

You know I'll slap you, boy.

But I won't tonight 'cause I like you.

Take it easy.

It's so pathetic.

I mean, when guys think they need to prove their masculinity

by being tough, they just end up looking foolish.

Yeah. Pathetic.

That was so funny. Damn, that was funny.

You scared them to death, baby.

Pull over right here.

Yeah.

But did you see their faces?

Did you see their faces?

You are so dope. I mean, you are so dope.

They ran out of there like they had hot coal up their ass.

You know, would you like me

even if I wasn't so... Powerful?

I mean, if people weren't so afraid of me?

Blade, you're cool no matter what.

Well, I mean, would you like me

even if I was a nerd

and didn't beat people up

and wasn't so cool? Would you like me even then?

But you are cool, so don't even worry about it.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. I'm serious.

I wanna know about you. I wanna know about you inside.

I want you to know about me inside.

Really?

No one's ever asked for that.

Well, it's important to me.

I want to show you something. Come on.

Come on.

Hurry up! Come on.

What is it? It's a surprise.

You like surprises?

Yeah, I guess.

Good.

What are we doing at a wax museum?

I work here.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Check this out.

Conan.

Mm-hmm.

Alright.

I designed that.

You? That?

Me. Mm-hmm. Get outta here.

I did! Really. You like it?

Yeah. It's cool, word.

You know what I like about you?

I mean, you're strong and tough...

But you're honest, you know?

I mean, I feel like we don't have any secrets.

Yo, D.C., man, I used to go with her.

Yeah, right.

I ain't lying, man.

Mm-hmm.

You know, I had a good time tonight.

So did I.

Damita.

There's something I need to tell you.

Okay what? Well...

Uh, we should do the biology paper tomorrow.

Alright, cool. That'll work.

Well... Good night.

Will I see you tomorrow?

Sure, sure.

Ahem. Sure.

Bye.

Now, what you fools looking at?

Huh? Huh? Mmm?

Whoo!

Goodnight.

Bye-bye.

So...

I had fun.

So did I.

Have a good night, Duncan pinderhughes.

Listen, before we go any further,

about this Duncan pinder...

um...

You didn't really want help with that dissertation, did you?

No. Not exactly. I knew it.

Listen.

Goodnight.

Oh!

Oh, nuts!

Pinderpuss!

Oh! Ow!

What do you want?

I need help with my dissemitation in biology class.

I don't want to look like no fool. What should I do?

Find something in it you like,

something you know about.

That way you can talk about it intelligently.

Find an angle that makes it jam in my head?

Yeah, I guess.

Thanks, man.

Oh!

That's got to be right,

'cause if you put the fuel injection...

man, I just don't...

hey, morning, mom.

Don't tell me you're doing homework.

Yeah. I'm doing homework.

What's that?

What?

That.

What?

That!

It's a flower.

What's it doing there?

Someone gave it to me.

'Cause they thought I was special,

and I put it there... For you.

Hmm.

It involves fuel injection and rotation.

The increased speed is dependent on how big...

Your shaft is.

In most cases, lubrication and piston control is a must.

In prevention of heat,

you really should keep a coil around.

And that was human reproduction,

by Duncan pinderhughes.

As you can see, science is my life.

Now, any questions?

What does a description

of an automobile and its components

have to do with human sexual behavior?

Uh... Well, think about it.

Where does most sex take place?

Oh, Duncan, this is excellent.

I know, I know.

Human sexuality as a function of breeding environment.

What you just said, lady.

Oh, splendid, splendid.

Thank you, thank you.

Any other questions?

No! No! No! No! No!

Now, you want to get high, you got to pay the man!

Now, where's my money?

Mr. wedge, there was a long line at the bank

and a lot of peer pressure and homework...

wedge!

Drop him!

I'm getting tired of you high, yellow, raggedy-rasta ass!

Let's get it on now!

No problem, homey. Right this way.

Let's do this.

Hold it, wedge.

I want to remember you just like this.

Hey! Hey!

[Crunch]

[Clang]

[Ring]

Nice, but you misspelled "ouch."

Put me down, man!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

That's my man.

Ow!

Say "pretty please."

Pretty please.

Okay, you can go.

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Man, there was about eight, nine of them, man.

Yo, that kid looks like Buster Douglas.

Dope, thanks, partner!

Trying to sweat me for some loot for some...

you ain't no partner of mine if you messing with drugs.

I don't want to catch you messing with that stuff again!

I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry.

Y'all heard him! Y'all heard him!

Just say no.

Get back to class!

Blade! Blade! Blade!

Oh, mama.

Being you is beginning to cramp my style.

This was your idea.

We can go to principal kratz and tell him the whole story.

Oh, no, you won't!

Yo, chill.

I need you to help me with my homework.

You want me to do it for you.

I need you to help for me to do it myself.

What are you looking at?

Whoo! Whoo!

Cool, buddies.

Tyson, rasta butts, cruising outside of your map land.

Bladage, dude. Talk to me.

Ginsu.

What? What?

I know you're clueless, like, of my whole gig,

but my name is Julian Thomas, and I'm the weasel!

I'm organizing the stoniest drug rally...

I mean, antidrug rally... and dance tomorrow night,

and my lobes just experienced through the grape vinage

that you and drugs are not, like, a killer com... Bo,

and I fully think that's ma... Jor.

Against drugs?

I am? No. I am.

My lobes also experienced that you know how to rock the Mike,

and I'd be stoked, bro, if you could do it at the dance.

I got five topless dancers from sloppy sue's.

They're going to have pumps, minis,

and the fake cones are going to be chillin'.

The woods are going to be created down below.

They're going to dance in cages by the stage.

That is if they don't shine.

Do you think that's too harsh for an antidrug rally, buddies?

No. Yes.

So I could crayola you in?

Yeah. No.

Yes.

Yes. Yes?

Yes.

Later, bud... Dies.

Yo, the drug rally... you going to bust a rap there.

$75? And he didn't get a kiss?

So what?

I can't rap like you, and I can't dance like you.

Hey, man, you can... fruity, go-go,

would you turn that crap down, please?

Now?

Throw the music on.

Come on, man.

[Music plays]

Alright, here we go.

Now, 50% of it is your attitude and style,

you know what I'm saying?

Body language is very important,

but the words got to come from upstairs.

Now, try this.

♫ My sister, my sister ♫

♫ tell me what the trouble is I'll try to listen good ♫

♫ and give the best advice that I can give ♫

♫ so what's up with you this time? Your honey took a dive ♫

♫ and now he's playin' with your mind? ♫

try this one. In the hips.

♫ Hold on, time out I shout get it together, sister ♫

♫ tell him to be not so distant, mister ♫

♫ it's a shame ♫

come on! Come on!

♫ It's a shame ♫

♫ the way you hurt me ♫

add this to it.

♫ It's a shame ♫

come on, man.

Come on, dance, man.

♫ It's a shame ♫

♫ the way you hurt me ♫

try this one.

♫ I'm beggin' you to check out for your own needs ♫

♫ don't nobody see you in a state of grievin' ♫

♫ over the brother there's another possibility ♫

♫ work out where you went wrong ♫

♫ I guarantee to you it will not take long ♫

♫ for you to pretend that you belong ♫

♫ you know where honey's head at ♫

♫ and where he's comin' from... ♫

oh!

This is going to be a long night, man.

This guy... you two.

Come on!

Ow.

I'll get you your money, mink. Really, I promise, man.

Come on, mink.

Billy, Billy, Billy, haven't I taught you anything?

Haven't I taught you

never to make promises you can't keep?

You let blade brown dis you in front of everybody.

It's a wonder they didn't want to pay you the money.

Now...

I think it's about time we take out the garbage.

Oh, no!

Don't, mink! You got to believe me!

He's stealing your money, man, not me.

He's the one stealing your money.

He's scared everybody into thinking you pay him.

Blade brown?

Yeah, he's trying to edge in on your territory.

You better not be playing me!

No. I'm straight up.

Oh, God!

Oh, thank you, mink!

Thank you, God, my brother.

Thank you, oh, lord!

Stop whining, you silly bitch.

Well, I think it's about time

we paid blade brown a visit.

Yeah!

Let's kick his ass.

Hey, don't leave me here, man.

Oh, Duncan.

What up, money?

Money?

A figure of speech, dad.

Duncan, we need to talk about the hair,

the... the gear.

I'm going to a big dance.

Oh, you're going to a dance.

Blade and I are going.

You're going to a dance with blade?

Yeah. Check you later, pops. Peace, moms.

♫ I can't stand ♫

♫ whoa, oh ♫

♫ what you're doin' to me ♫

♫ yeah ♫

♫ everybody ♫

♫ messin' with my mind ♫

♫ yeah, yeah, yeah ♫

♫ you don't understand ♫

♫ girl, I want you to be mine ♫

♫ yeah, yeah, yeah ♫

♫ just be right ♫

♫ hold that body, baby ♫

♫ t-rock will never make it ♫

♫ packin' the rhythms you can relate ♫

♫ I love it when the women are soft... ♫

any extra bullets?

I think so.

Good. Wait, wait. Do you or don't you have any?

Yeah, yeah.

Alright. I'm going to need them.

No, I don't.

♫ Like a storm, I stepped into a light ♫

♫ electric stain ♫

♫ wanted to feel fly ♫

♫ but what you get is what you aim ♫

♫ if you get the tame away ♫

♫ remain the same ♫

♫ where you goin'? ♫

blade!

♫ Now, give it up to me now ♫

yo, blade!

Duncan, I saw your girlfriend out there, man.

Get out of here, you little dweep.

Where have you been? What happened to you?

I couldn't get my hair together.

Sure you know where we going?

I think so.

What do you mean? Do you want to know what I think?

♫ Yeah, yeah ♫

♫ all my love ♫

yeah!

Yeah, buddy. That was cool.

Okay, cool. Too fly. Too fly. Okay.

Remember what I taught you.

I was going to talk to you.

Listen, I want you to know. Don't get edged at me, right,

because those five topless dancers

from sloppy sue's couldn't make it.

They came down with a sudden rash of, like, poison oak.

I figured it would be in bad taste

for them to show up this evening.

I was thinking. But...

I'm going to sing a song tonight.

Uh-1...

Uh-2...

Uh-1, 2, 3, 4!

♫ I'm a stony, crusty dude ♫

♫ with the mop on top ♫

boo! Boo!

Get off!

♫ But I'll never stop ♫

♫ tryin' to reach the notes ♫

♫ from coast to coast ♫

♫ the ones with the cones I dig the most ♫

wait, wait, wait.

Okay, chill.

Okay, okay.

Okay, shut up.

I'm going to bring out the guy that you guys been waiting for.

Your bud, my bud... the blade!

Ho ho!

I'm having some serious second thoughts, man. I really am.

Don't front now. Don't front.

Blade, Tyson, what's up?

Dude, do not shine me.

They're so into you.

They hated Lisa-Lisa.

I thought I was going to get a tomato in my mouth. Check it!

Just trip into the Mike.

You're going to be fully with it.

Don't let them see you sweat.

[Feedback]

You just got to do it.

Hit it. Hit it.

That's my boy!

Bust this beat.

♫ Oh, yeah ♫

♫ this is another hyped one for ya ♫

♫ now, stop, stop, stop the presses ♫

♫ hold your horses sit back, relax, and Max ♫

♫ 'cause, of course, it's a brother ♫

♫ who was put on by another brother ♫

♫ now it's time to discover ♫

♫ that the knowledge contained in the rhymin' blitz ♫

♫ the man with the funky dope twists never quits ♫

♫ now start singing to the beat I'm swinging to ♫

♫ a star's bigger than messing, we're breaking through ♫

♫ now listen here, my dear ♫

♫ 'cause I'm a-gonna fly ♫

♫ high school doesn't mean ♫

♫ you gotta get high ♫

♫ a strong mentality will reach the sky ♫

♫ a weak mind only wants to get by ♫

♫ and it's likely to go and get caught up ♫

♫ with any drugs that can be bought up ♫

♫ like the dope smoke, smack, the crack ♫

♫ the set, set, set of the chu-chunky black ♫

♫ in fact, if you want that ♫

♫ you better get smart ♫

he's screwing up my damn name!

♫ Be yourself, be for real ♫

♫ don't try to ignore us ♫

♫ I got my mind made up ♫

♫ come on, I'm going to get it ♫

♫ get it right ♫

♫ all day and night ♫

♫ even if I have to fight ♫

where's the extra Mike, man?

♫ And if the gang ain't with it quit it, just forget it ♫

♫ I'm movin' on because I'm so strong ♫

get out of my face.

♫ I know right from wrong ♫

♫ step, step back, boy don't always believe what you heard ♫

♫ because right here and now I'm gonna school you 'bout nerds ♫

♫ you should never judge a book ♫

♫ by its cover ♫ I'm simply talkin' 'bout ♫

♫ trustin' your boy, girl, or lover ♫

♫ there's too many things one needs to consider ♫

♫ before you find the pick of the litter ♫

♫ now, I myself try to express the truth ♫

♫ covered up with a smile and a bright gold tooth ♫

♫ and if the gang ain't with it ♫

♫ quit it, just forget it ♫

♫ I'm movin' on 'cause I'm too strong ♫

♫ I know right from wrong ♫

♫ I got my mind made up ♫

♫ come on ♫

♫ yeah ♫

♫ dynamic duo winner, ha ♫

♫ live and direct from the trouble scene ♫

♫ you're 'bout to get hit with the double team ♫

♫ and first up at bat ♫

♫ is a brother that saw all that ♫

♫ from the wrong side of the tracks ♫

♫ but that don't mean I don't know ♫

♫ what time it is ♫

♫ in the rap and the rhymin' biz and one thing for sure ♫

♫ yo, I ain't no quitter ♫

♫ here comes the homerun hitter ♫

♫ never had to take it, I was gettin' respect ♫

♫ never had to learn it, 'cause I came correct ♫

♫ couldn't care less about bein' down ♫

♫ ain't nothin' profound about standin' around ♫

♫ set the trends ♫

♫ strict rules, I been break 'em again and again ♫

♫ it's my life, my friend ♫

♫ and it'll be that way until I say cease ♫

♫ we outta here, peace ♫

♫ I got my mind made up, come on ♫

so...

I almost fainted when you got up on stage to rap.

What made you do it?

I don't know. I guess it was the wild streak busting out in me.

Duncan?

Yeah, what's up, baby?

I want to do something wild, too.

You do?

I do think I like all-night miniature golf

down over at, um...

you don't have to...

Uh, yeah, I'm with that.

We can... we can definitely do that.

Let's do that. Come on.

Whose breeding environment is this?

It's blade brown's.

Uh!

Oh!

Let's make bacon.

Bacon?

Oh, Duncan!

Oh, wait! The... the button!

You guys jammed.

Jammed, Jim, jammed, Jimmy, jammy, Jimmy.

Where did you learn to do all that?

Uh, the streets, the streets...

my turf. It's kind of inbred.

A lot of inbreeding going on in the streets.

Mmm, well, whatever, but you was dope, big-time...

dope with a capital "d."

Uh, thanks.

Blade?

Uh, yes, damita?

Um...

My mom's working tonight.

[Gulp]

Oh my God! You got it going on.

Bang, boom, pap!

You're the finest girl I've seen in high school in six years.

Let me go get my stuff. I'll be back, okay?

Here we go! Here he is!

Grab him!

Oh, no, you don't.

It's bye-bye time.

I was just about to get some!

Blade, wait!

Get in there, punk.

I'll be right back.

[Tires screeching]

Aah! Damn!

Can't you knock?

The pinder... they got him, man.

Yo, ain't that that genius kid?

Yeah, that's me. Get in!

[Tires screeching]

This is probably as good a time as any

to let you know how sorry I am

for beating you up, wedge.

It was peer pressure and all.

I had to maintain my reputation.

Why don't we just let bygones be bygones, okay?

Shut up, blade.

Michael Charles blade brown.

Nice do.

Ha ha ha!

I crack me up, y'all.

Ha ha ha!

Who are you?

I'm mink.

Wha-what do you do, Mr. mink?

Well, let's just say that I'm a businessman.

And you screwin' my business.

Screwing. That's a little harsh.

Yes. What's bad for business, is bad for the economy.

My economy.

I'm gonna cause you some serious brain damage.

That, would be more than brain damage.

Like cerebral hemorrhage.

Ha ha ha!

That's, a nice bra there.

Go, touch yourself.

Yo, man, step off. I'm talkin' about steppin' off.

You sure you know what this car looks like?

I've got photographic memory.

You got what?

Photographic memory. You know, Lee majors and that bionic man.

I thought you had one of those photographic memories.

Even Lee majors' thing messes up sometimes.

I know I been out late,

but I been taking care of business.

I did call you,

but nobody answered the phone.

Hello! Hello! Uncle theophilus!

Uncle theophilus!

Come on!

Uncle theophilus!

It's me, popsicle!

Go get your hearing aid!

Go get your hearing aid!

You can't... you can't find your hearing aid?

Get a cup! Put a cup to the phone!

I'm in the hospital! My leg's broken!

Pop! Come on!

I got to go walk my dog!

Let's go! We got to go get him!

Come on! Get in the car, man!

[Chatter] [Chatter] [Chatter]

There they go.

Who's doing that?

Aah!

You stupid! Yo, watch it!

Ha ha ha!

I only got one good eye!

Come on, man!

Get off! Hey!

Come on, guys! Uhh!

Get off me!

Aah!

Grab him!

I got him.

Hang on, guys! Hang on!

You stupid ignoramus!

Paint the line straight!

Pull!

I got him!

Don't you let him out of here!

Hey! Watch out!

Oh! Ow!

Oh! Oh!

Aah! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Give me your gun!

I don't have my gun!

Where's your gun?

In the trunk!

What's it doing there?

I only got one good eye!

Watch the road! [Horn honks]

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Aah!

You let him go!

Pull me up! Pull me up!

Pull yourself!

Hold on to him!

Pull him in! Pull him, stupid!

[Duncan] They're shooting! They're shooting!

[Gunshots]

[Damita] Come to mama, baby. Come to mama.

[Ellen] Aah!

[Gunshots]

Damn, mink. I lost 'em. Sorry.

What do you mean, you lost 'em?

Wait. I think I know where they went.

You better be right. Let's go. Go!

Come on. Let's go.

Thanks. That was a close one.

Let's go to the wax museum.

I told you not to lose 'em!

And you two! I told you to not let him go!

He's driving like an old lady!

All I'm hearing is excuses! Shut up!

I think I know where they went.

Where? Where? I forgot.

I mean forget!

I forget you exist! This is it!

After this, you are gone!

Oh, man! Chuck woolery!

Yo, man, that's pat sajak.

That ain't pat sajak.

That's Chuck woolery from jeopardy!, man.

Good thinking, pinkerpuss.

Look, the name is pinderhughes. Duncan pinderhughes.

I'm sick and tired of you screwing up my name.

I'm sick and tired of being you, period!

I'm sick and tired of living your bookwormy life.

Hold it. You're Duncan pinderhughes?

And you're blade brown?

Oh, man!

You, lyin' son of a...

[indistinct argument]

Hold up. It's very simple.

He asked me to pretend to be him

so I could pass p.E. For him.

He made me be him so he'd stay out of jail.

He threatened to belt-sand my face.

You're not my man. You're a genius.

I can't believe I was hanging out with a genius.

I'm going to throw up nasty chicken grease

and corn oil and cream of wheat.

I'm just getting sick

thinking about throwing up.

I want you two to open the door.

You stay here and watch the car.

Make sure the car's okay.

Mink, we're in the red zone.

Make sure it's okay.

But, mink!

Get the door open, stupid.

I really care about you. Don't touch me!

I can't believe you'd do this, Duncan...

blade or whoever you are!

Somebody's coming. Come on.

[Popsicle] Oh, my God! This way!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Deal.

Ooh ooh ooh ooh!

What? What?

There goes Chuck woolery!

That's not Chuck woolery, stupid.

It's Jimmy swaggart.

Let's go.

[Popsicle] Ollie-Ollie-outgofree!

Ollie-Ollie-outgofree!

Let's get back down.

Hey, we... we know you're in here.

I saw something move!

Where did they go?

Where are you going?

There. W-wait.

There they go.

Okay, go.

You come with me, stupid.

Let's go.

Hey.

What?

Look, man, it's Willie Nelson.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

It's not Willie Nelson, stupid.

It's colonel Sanders.

Come on, let's go.

[Clang]

Oh, damn!

Quiet, you...

[clang]

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Come on!

We got to get out of here!

This way. Let's go. Quick.

This way. Hurry up.

Damn, that thing is ugly.

Uh!

Come on.

Hurry up!

Come on, come on!

[Groaning]

Whoa!

Let's go this way.

Let's go. Go on, man. Go!

Keep going! Keep going!

Can you stop shaking? You're making me nervous.

[Groaning]

Aah!

Shoot it! Shoot it!

Oh, would you shut up?

Let's go.

[Woman shrieking]

Shh... It's okay.

Okay, look.

Whoo!

Aw, shut up!

I'm going around that way,

and I want you to go this way.

I'm going with you.

What's that? Go that way.

[Shrieking]

Aah!

You didn't scare me.

♫ Oh, jeepers creepers ♫

♫ where'd ya get those peepers? ♫

♫ jeepers creepers ♫

♫ where'd ya get those eyes? ♫

♫ oh, gosh, all git up ♫

♫ how'd they get so lit up? ♫

hasta luego!

Bon voyagee!

Duck, baby.

Whoa!

Aah!

Whoa! Aah!

It's just me and you.

Yeah. Ha ha!

Nice punch.

What the...

I know a shortcut. Come on.

Come on.

Hurry up!

Ooh!

Follow me.

Hurry up!

Oh, stupid tunnel.

Hope there ain't no rats in here.

Damn!

Oh oh oh oh oh!

Go!

Come on out, you little wuss!

Go.

Come on. Come on, I know you're here.

You got him!

No one is talking while I'm talking.

No one is talking while I'm talking.

Shut up!

Everybody freeze! Drop the guns.

So that's the whole story in a nutshell.

It was all blade brown's fault.

If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here.

And you never would have met damita either.

Hmm, that's true.

And you'd still be a wimp.

[Duncan] Yeah, I guess you're right.

Hey, rock, how's it going?

Oh, no. Grab a seat, punk,

and turn down the volume on that jacket.

Hey, delinquents!

Hey, Tinkerbells, what's up?

What's up is the, uh, girls were released an hour ago,

and now you guys are free to go. You, too, brown.

Me? What's the catch?

[Mumbling]

Did you hear him?

Wait a minute. A little louder.

You heard me. We need you.

You're trying to tell me 5-0 needs me?

Yeah. That's right. Need you to testify against mink.

The judge wants you in school because you're good role models.

You know what I think? My opinion is

once bad, always bad.

I'm real sorry to hear that,

but I've got things to see and people to do.

People to see and things to do.

Wait... wait... wait a minute.

I won't be needing this anymore.

What you been eating?

Alright, alright. Single file.

See you later, Isaac Hayes.

The pleasure's mine, whoopi.

Hey, Duncan,

think you could, uh, fix me up with the principal's secretary?

You know, uh...

The one with the big... Yeah, yeah.

Uh, think she likes me?

Anything's possible.

Hello! Damn!

Ladies. Boom! Pap!

My parents are going to kill me.

Uncle theophilus is going to beat me.

Man, you should be proud.

I can't front, pinderhughes. You did alright.

You said my name right.

I, want to apologize man. It was all my fault. I'm sorry.

Aside from being stretched between cars and getting shot at,

I guess it wasn't that bad.

What am I going to do about Ellen, man?

I really liked that girl, and I think she hates me.

I can't be as smart as y'all, too.

Well, as smart as you, anyway.

That's a problem.

Help me, man.

Wait. I got it! This one could be big.

Man, what?

The knowledge bowl!

What?

Come on. Come on.

Wait. Where are you guys going?

Yo, that did it. What?

Can I hang with y'all?

Yo, man, this is your boy.

Yeah, sure. Come on.

You don't know how much this means to me.

Move out of the way. Here come my boys.

They're too legit to quit.

You mean to tell me that you two...

that you're...

that he's really...

that the two of you...

Exactly. Exactly.

[Cheering]

Way to go, Higgins!

Back to knowledge bowl, starring skip wankman!

Welcome back. I'm your host

skip wankman. And this is, knowledge bowl.

This week, Higgins high school

versus St. Peter's catholic school for girls.

Ready now for the lightning round.

In mathematics, dividing something into two parts,

such the whole segment is to the larger part

as that part is to the smaller part is called what?

Higgins. Duncan.

That's the golden section. The ratio is 1 to 1.618.

That is correct.

[Bell rings]

[Cheerleaders] Go, Higgins!

Which couple were known

for their ironclad catholic rule over their subjects

and responsible for the Spanish inquisition?

St. Peter's. Jodi.

Ferdinand d'aragon et Isabelle de castille. That's in French, skip.

Thank you. In 1979 Donald johanson discovered Lucy in Ethiopia.

What species was she? Duncan!

Skip, that would be australopithecus af-afirensis.

Correct.

On that note, that's the end of the lightning round.

[Horn blows]

We have a tiebreaker question

for an all-expense-paid vacation for two to Hawaii.

But perhaps more importantly,

a brand-new hardwood floor for the school gymnasium.

In William Shakespeare's much ado about nothing,

Benedict said,

"I will live in thy heart,

"die in thy lap,

and be buried in thy eyes."

What was the meaning of the word "die" as used?

Yes? [Buzz]

[Clock ticking]

Your answer...

Please.

[Clock ticking]

[Ellen] To die... the way he used it... meant...

To die meant to have a sexual orgasm.

Sexual orgasm.

[Sounds horn]

It means to pop the...

I'm sorry.

It means to have a sexual... Orgasm.

That is correct!

My boy's a genius!

Thanks once again for watching knowledge bowl.

I'm your host the wankster.

I-I-I-I-Hawaii! Hawaii!

Not fair!

You were absolutely incredible!

I'm so proud!

Thanks, mom.

We love you, skip.

Congratulations, Ellen.

Congratulations, rashid.

Listen, Ellen.

I'm sorry for lying to you.

Shakespeare has some pretty heavy stuff.

Hanging out with these smart kids, I can deal with...

shut up, blade brown.

Yo, pinderhughes!

If you ever lie to me again, I'll kick your ass.

If you don't treat me right, I'll kick your ass.

And if you don't come here now, and give me a kiss.

I'll kick your ass.

What was that, dear?

I'm afraid to find out.

[Woman screaming]

Dad!

I-I can explain.

My son! My wonderfully, wonderful son!

Dad?

Are you two comfortable? Can I get you anything,

a beverage? Anything at all.

We're kinda in the middle of something, dad.

Well, sorry. And I hope you got your Jimmy hat on.

♫ I feel well ♫

♫ hey, hey ♫

whoa!

What was that noise, dear?

Oh, nothing, hon.

Just our son making it with some sexy babe in his room.

Boy, was she... Stacked.

Ahh! I'm just so proud of him.

Goodnight, hon.

[Chuckles]

John!

John.

Oh!

So that's how the story ended.

Blade became himself again.

He ended up at hafford...

With some help from Ellen and me.

I hear he majored in extracurricular activities.

Me... I won the football scholarship to Stanford.

Can I... Kick it?

No, you can't.

Here's my side of the story.

It all started when I was a twinkle in my father's eye.

What are you doing?

Telling my side of the story.

I already did. They won't sit through this again.

My story's much better.

It involves sex, car chases and sex.

Hip-hop and more sex...

it's over. It's over.

We're outta here. Fade to black.

♫ Class act ♫

♫ got to get up got to get up ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ got to get up got to get up ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ got to get up got to get up ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ got to get up got to get up ♫

♫ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 got to kick it live ♫

♫ I'm the twee from the pillypee the sea ♫

♫ comin' from the underground took me to the street ♫

♫ chief baller in L.A. ♫

♫ 'bout to rock the usa ♫ ♫ from the fly dope list ♫

♫ suckers can't cope with this ♫

♫ straight mack ♫

♫ then I'll throw the suckers out ♫

♫ once again, if you see us in the house ♫

♫ try to put me to the test ♫

♫ a class act was really goin' on ♫

♫ I'm so smooth, ladies call me silky ♫

♫ stand so cool that she call me chilly ♫

♫ when I rock a groove no one gets near me ♫

♫ how you figure, nigger, don't be silly, I'm a ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ teacher, teacher, don't even trip for the grip ♫

♫ I gots to do this ain't nothin' changed, I'm a troop ♫

♫ still troop through this ♫

♫ I'm gonna fly in a pimp land ♫

♫ positive image making progress ♫

♫ spin ice is in here to pit a fall ♫

♫ neglecting your bitches ♫

♫ gots to let off ♫

♫ with 16 in the clip my pocket's gettin' fatter ♫

♫ the penthouse is a ruthless jive ♫

♫ I'm with this ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ let's get ready to rumble ♫

♫ let's get ready to rumble ♫

♫ blade brown, blade brown ♫

♫ let's get ready to rumble ♫

♫ blade brown, blade brown ♫

♫ let's get ready to rumble ♫

♫ blade brown, blade brown ♫

♫ let's get ready to rumble ♫

♫ class act got to get up ♫

♫ got to get up ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ got to get up got to get up ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ got to get up ♫

♫ got to get up ♫

♫ class act ♫

♫ got to get up ♫

♫ got to get up ♫

bad dude rap!

Tell a friend, homey!