Original subtitles

Good evening I�ve decided to take up touch football,

I understand it's the thing to do,

the players are perfect gentlemen,

that penalty was not for them,

it was a clipping penalty and was called on,

an overzealous popcorn salesman,

who might caught shortchanging a customer,

he'll be penalized five cents,

however he's the best man they have,

I�m sure he'll make it up on the next play,

I see by the clock that we have time for,

just one more play before the halftime show,

which is entitled "Servant Problem".

SERVANT PROBLEM

-Tina... -Hello mr Drake. -What are you still doing here?

when I left you only had a couple of more pages to type.

No, I finished those hours ago,

I thought I�d fix some d'oeuvre for your company tonight.

So you have?

good, very good, what happened to mrs Hoffman?

Oh she came down with a virus or something.

I didn't want you to get stranded so I thought I�d fix the d'oeuvre.

You're an angel, no I take that back, you're a genius. I�m sorry,

about mrs Hoffman�s virus but she never made hors d'oeuvre like this.

Sure you can manage without her? I could call an employment agency,

-and get somebody. -No I really don't need,

anyone there's just a few people coming mr Sanderson�s wife and the Coltons,

and they'll be here any minute.

Mmm, champagne.

Sort of a celebration, Standish has just agreed to,

-publish my new book. -That's wonderful,

-congratulations mr Drake. -Ah, congratulations to you, delicious.

Now I better rush home and fix dinner for time with the boys.

Secretary's work is never done.

Good night and have a good time mr Drake.

Good night and thanks again.

Yes?

Moen?

What's that?

Moen Gold?

Moen, it's me Molly,

don't you even recognize me?

Oh Moen I�m so glad I found you,

oh I�m so happy I could bust,

let me look at you,

oh you look marvelous, you're a living doll,

oh Moen when you're even better looking than you used to be you know that?

Molly, Molly for heaven's sake I thought...

That I was dead, huh? I bet you did,

my gosh how long has it been now, 22 years?

I didn't recognize you, you, you've changed so much.

Oh listen don't I know it, I got fat, huh?

well you know, I don't know what happens to a girl,

remember how slim I used to be when you first married me?

you used to call me a little fawn, remember?

Molly, Molly you can't you can't stay here.

Listen it took me long enough to find you I�m not gonna let you get away now.

Oh Moen, what a place,

oh gee it's just beautiful,

oh boy am I gonna like it here.

Molly, I said you can't stay here.

Listen I�m still your wife, remember?

Molly for the love of heaven, it's been years, 22 years.

Yeah 22 years since you walked out on me,

you know that wasn't very nice,

you could have knocked me over with a feather,

when I seen your picture in the paper,

in the society column,

with that girl,

that um, what's the name? That Sylvia something or another.

-Sylvia Colton. -Yeah I knew it,

I knew it was you the minute I seen your picture,

even with that phony name Kerwin Drake,

oh boy what a name you picked out for yourself,

listen it's better than Moen Gold,

I used to hate it when they call me mrs Gold.

Molly there's something you must realize,

everything about me has changed since those days,

-not just my name everything. -Yeah.

And you never did understand.

Oh well listen Moen,

I was just a kid what did I know?

I used to hate it when you sat around that lousy,

old kitchen with that broken Donald typewriter,

how did I know you were going to amount to anything?

I mean you know be famous and rich.

-I�m not rich. -Oh well it don't matter Moen,

nothing matters now,

I ain't even mad at you that you walked out on me,

would you start all over again, huh?

-Are you serious? -Sure.

You think I left you because of some whim?

I knew it wasn't working out that we,

were too far apart that's why I left,

and we're 22 years further apart now.

-Oh well Moen... -You think I haven't tried to find you?

I spent years looking for you.

Did you?

Only to make the break final and legal,

only you never stayed in one place long enough for me to reach you.

Well I was traveling I like to travel.

As well we can't talk anymore tonight,

I�ve got friends coming important friends,

my publisher for one,

-they'll be here any minute. -Is she coming too?

You mean Sylvia? As a matter of fact she is.

Is you like her Moen?

I mean do you like her as good as you used to like me?

-Oh fun. -Oh well never mind it don't matter I was just asking,

wait, wait I�m gonna show you something.

-What do you think you're doing? -Wait a minute now.

I brought my best dress with me see, look,

you won't be ashamed of me at that party.

Didn't you hear what I said?

you can't stay here.

Well don't get excited I, I was only going to stay one night.

I got me an apartment, on 48th street just three blocks from here,

only they won't let me move in till tomorrow.

I said you can't stay here tonight.

I got no place to go Moen.

Well you could go to a hotel.

Here here's some money.

I don't want your money,

and I ain't going to no hotel neither,

I�m gonna stay right here we get things settled.

-Oh Molly. -I ain't leaving.

you can throw me out if you wanna but I�ll come right back.

-Now look... -Oh look yourself,

I�ll make trouble for you Moen,

you see if I don't.

All right now listen you can stay here,

tonight yeah but only tonight, understand?

-in the morning we can talk things over. -Oh Moen.

No, no, no, don't don't touch me,

-I want you to go upstairs right now. -Yeah.

Take the first door to the right it's the guest room,

only I don't want you leaving it for a minute, you understand?

uh I�ve got important people coming here tonight and,

I don't want you to breathe loud enough for them to hear you.

Okay Moen, I�ll be as quiet as a mouse.

-What, what up there? -Yes.

-And remember what I said. -Oh sure Moen, sure.

No, the publishing business isn't what it used to be, Kerwin can tell you that.

Hard to sell a book these day,

unless you can put a beautiful woman with an axe murderer on the cover.

Oh please Harold you promised there wouldn't be any business talk tonight.

Oh I find it very interesting, don't you George?

Hmm, oh yes of course.

I�m afraid you won't get any sympathy from my father mr Standish,

he rather likes those books with the beautiful women and the murderers.

Well I don't get time for much serious reading,

but I did enjoy your last book Kerwin.

All right, thank you. Sylvia...?

Oh I think I�ve had my quarter for tonight,

but daddy's glass looks a little empty.

Well thank you.

I don't know what's the matter with me I,

completely forgot the d'oeuvres.

Oh thank you not for me mr Drake.

Oh no you must try these they're delicious,

-I�ll go and get them. -But let me help you.

-Kerwin... -Yes? -Is anything that matter?

Uh why? No no why do you ask?

Well I think I know you.

Oh no it's nothing really I just feel a little nervous tonight.

-Yeah sure, but it's just that? -Of course.

We'd better get back.

You really have to try these they're terrific.

Mrs Standish...

Well just one,

thank you.

Thank you.

Oh what's that, caviar?

love caviar.

These are good.

Never like these itty-bitty things myself.

These are unusually good Harold do try one.

Thank you, Kerwin.

Hmm not bad.

Well Kerwin I understand you're already planning the next book.

Yes that's right as a matter of fact I was thinking,

of the middle east as the setting this time.

Does that mean you'll be traveling again?

Oh I hope not.

Well you know how I feel about backgrounds my novels,

uh I need to touch the smell of the places I�m writing about.

Yes well that certainly makes sense.

But you wouldn't be going soon would you?

I mean right now with conditions so unsettled over there.

That's not really what mother means Kerwin, she means,

it wouldn't be a very good place for a honeymoon.

Uh well I wasn't thinking of it like that, I,

I thought I�d work out the novel first,

and then later,

-perhaps... -Well I um,

I think a toast is an order, don't you?

To Kerwin's new book.

-That's a fine idea. -I�ll propose it,

here's to the book, I hope it makes money.

Oh really Harold.

To you Kerwin.

Hello everybody.

-Kerwin who is she? -Who?

Oh it's my cook, it's just Molly my cook. Molly.

Molly why didn't you stay where I told you?

I told you time and time again to stay in your room when I have my guests here.

I won't have you traipsing around the house this way.

Nnever mind, the never mind the excuses,

I know you're all dressed up to go out tonight but,

you can go into the kitchen and wait for your boyfriend there,

do you understand me?

Yeah, I understand.

And stay in there until I�m ready to talk to, you hear me?

I�m sorry Moen I just got a little awesome sitting up there by myself,

Go on.

I�m sorry about that but,

tomorrow's her day off and uh well tonight she was going,

to live it up but I think her boyfriend stood her up.

What an odd woman.

Well I�m I�m sure she's a very good cook, if go and hired her.

She is if she made these delicious hors d'oeuvres.

Oh why as a matter of fact she did,

she's really superb.

You can get used to the way she looks once you've tasted her food.

You didn't let me know you were hiring a cook Kerwin.

Didn't I? What must have slipped my mind,

yes I hired her last week.

You're darn lucky to have her, let me tell you.

My wife can no more find a good cook than I can break 80 on the golf course.

It really is a dreadful problem, you have no idea,

how difficult servants are these days.

We've had seven cooks in the last year,

and each worse than the other.

We had to set the table every night with knives forks and stomach pumps.

Well I I guess I never thought much about it,

I mean I don't eat at home too often anyway.

What a waste.

Well of course I still don't know whether to work out,

Molly I mean, she might prove to be uh,

-a problem. -Never mind how she looks,

just keep her chained to the stove good,

cooks are scarce as hens teeth these days.

I certainly agree with that,

you hold on to her Kerwin.

Heavenly, you are a lucky man mr Drake.

Yes, I guess I am.

I enjoyed the evening Kerwin we'll have to do it at our place some night soon.

It was lovely Kerwin thank you so much.

-Are you coming with us Sylvia or...? -I think I�ll stay a while mother.

Now don't go running off to Pakistan or someplace without telling me.

Where's that wife of mine come on Lydia it's getting late.

Sorry, I just had to go in the kitchen and compliment your cook, mr Drake.

You talked to her?

Yes, I had to tell her how much I enjoyed her d'oeuvres.

Kerwin let's have lunch together one day next week, okay?

-That'll be fine. -I�ll call you.

Good night.

Thank you Kerwin.

See you later dear.

-Kerwin. -Yeah? -You serious about that middle east trip?

Well yes I guess so,

I haven't any definite plans,

well it was no time limit set, was there?

Is that how you feel about it?

Oh Sylvia, of heaven's sake let's not make something out of nothing.

Aren't you afraid you'll spoil your appetite?

Appetite?

Well, we haven't eaten yet, and I sort of assume that you take me to dinner.

Oh, well the fact is I�d plan to work tonight.

Oh writers have their feeding time too don't,

they just like all the other zoo animals.

I�m sorry Sylvia.

Well guess I�d better leave you alone then.

Ah I�ll call you tomorrow,

-we'll have dinner. -If you like.

Come out of there.

You've caused enough trouble tonight go upstairs and pack your bag.

Well I�m sorry if I spoiled your evening,

why don't you let me cook dinner for you and,

miss snooty nose, I supposed to be the cook right?

What did you want me to say, that you're my wife?

Well it's true ain't? It when you had to say I was nothing but a lousy cook.

If you were a cook I�m sure you'd be a lousy one.

Oh yeah? Well I had a short order job once in phoenix and I was pretty good too.

Only I ain't no servant I�m married to you and I got my rights.

I told you to go upstairs pack your bag and get out of here.

Okay for you Moen,

I�ll go to the hotel tonight only, tomorrow I�m moving into that apartment,

and you better come over there and talk things over with me.

You can do all your talking to my lawyer.

41148 street apartment 3B,

-you better come about 12 o'clock. -Oh no I won't.

You better be there Moen.

Just a minute.

-Oh it's you. -So you were dying to get me over here here I am.

Oh yeah well okay Moen, come on in.

Well let's get this over fast I know what you want from me and,

I�m prepared to pay you five thousand dollars to stop bothering me.

Look uh maybe we ought to talk this over later, huh?

I I mean maybe we could go have dinner in a restaurant I mean.

With you? No thanks we'll do it right now I want this thing settled.

I even brought my checkbook.

That's not what I want.

Ten thousend is my last offer and that on condition,

that you agree to acquire divorce immediately.

I don't want your money,

and I ain't your servant no matter what you tell your friends I�m your wife.

I won't pay you more than ten thousand dollars and that's my final offer,

you don't want it all right I�ll fight you I�ll get that divorce.

Oh yeah? well I won't give you no divorce you,

ain't gonna walk out on me twice you don't get rid,

of me that easy and I�m tired of being pushed around ,

you understand I�m your wife, I�m your wife.

Oh, shut up.

I'll never give you the divorce.

Mrs Standish.

I�m sorry, I�m uh I�m I�m so sorry.

I came to see if I could hire your cook.

Last night when I went into the kitchen I I asked her for her address.

Oh when I heard your voice outside just now I, I hid myself,

please don't hurt me mr Drake.

I only wanted a cook.

A cook.

Before we continue our game I must tidy up the story a bit,

Kerwin Drake was put on trial for his crime,

and the judge threw the book at him,

which was exactly what mr Standish did to his wife,

but in that case it was the cookbook,

please rejoin me after this brief institutional announcement.

Good night until next week, now I must,

get back to the touch football game.