Original subtitles

Oh good evening.

I�m sure there's a question in everyone's mind.

You're all wondering how I have managed to overcome the help problem.

The secret lies in offering fringe benefits.

On the job training, things like that.

These items don't cost much, and what I spend on them I save on costumes.

Seriously this is certainly not an honest picture of life in Hollywood.

We do believe in being comfortable while we work.

But we never eat grapes during business hours.

Tonight's story is entitled The Greatest Monster of Them All.

Which certainly should be a cue for the sponsors.

The Greatest Monster of Them All

-Knock it off can't you see I�m reading. -What's the matter, Hal?

There's got to be silence every time you stick your nose in the racing form?

This isn't the racing for Morty.

This is a book on, you should excuse the expression, entomology.

-Enter what? -Entomology stupid.

-The study of insects. -Insects? I don't get it. -Either do I, but I will.

gotta find me a bug.

-So for this you need a book? -Please...

-Good morning mr Bellow. -Morning. -Take a look around.

The joint is full of bugs.

The fine movie studio you rented.

When they built this place Lionel Barrymore was playing juveniles.

Never mind how it looks I�m getting it cheap.

You get everything cheap, boss.

This I got to hand you. When it comes to cheap you're a genius.

Yes every day and every way.

40 grand this one cost you and it grossed over a half a million.

-Well like I say pure genius. -Knock it off.

-Find me a bug. -So what do you need a bug for?

For the next movie stupid. Bug's the box office.

You want to make a monster movie today you gotta have a bug.

You mean like a giant spider or a scorpion, huh?

Sure, only they all been used I need a new one.

Say, how about a giant cockroach?

Not bad not bad at all.

No, I couldn't. Ain't good taste.

So let logan dream up something.

-He's your writer, isn't he? -That's romney.

Didn't he almost win an Oscar once.

He used to be a real artsy craftsy.

All I know is he likes cheap.

Oh hey Freddy boy, we just been dropping your name.

-How clumsy. -Hey you loaded?

No of course not. I Never drink on the job.

-Only after. -So you're on the job.

-Show me the pages. -Well I haven't been able to do anything yet mr Billow.

You said you'd have to decide on a giant insect.

That's what's bogging him. Get it.

Shut up. Look you're such a hot shot rider.

You'll find me a monster bug. That's your business.

Yeah I guess you're right that's my business all right Fred logan boy monster bug finder.

Never mind with the sarcasm, all I want I it's your script...

Alright so sue me I haven't been able to think of a new type bug.

All right so never mind the bug.

Let's play for the high school audience.

Oh you mean you want to change it to an adolescent theme now?

No like I said high school kids.

What do you say logan, think you can come up with a high school background?

Come on, we got all those kids young full of life.

Play against death.

Find me an angle.

Okay.

I think I can.

Ernst von Croft.

Ernst von Kraft the greatest monster of them all.

Sure I remember.

That's how they used to bill him back in the 30s.

I haven't seen him around for years.

He's been in retirement lately hal but this could make a great comeback vehicle for him.

Sure, that's the bit, the come back, milky to publicity.

He's too all to act.

-Who cares? He's still a big name of the horror department.

-I bet I can get him cheap. -Oh look Morty you wouldn't have to use him,

him throughout the picture so he's just in one or two key scenes.

You'll give me the treatment I�ll take care of bring von Croft.

-Now we got something working for us. -Darling they're playing our song.

-I get rolling with it -Marty.

There's somebody I�d like to have you meet. Have you got a surprise.

Morty Lenton this is Ernst von Croft.

A great pleasure mr Lenton.

Morty is the name, we don't go for the formal bit around here.

Just one big happy family, hey Hal?

You make with the acting I make with a directing and no problem, see?

Our main idea is to bring in a picture as quickly as possible.

-The less it takes, the better. -And cheaper too.

Oh I quite understand.

Ah things have changed since the last time I worked in this studio.

-I made some of my biggest pictures here. -Yeah sure.

Of course you might as well get one thing straight right now mr von Craft.

This isn't exactly going to be a big picture.

Strictly a low budget deal.

But it can be a very good picture mr Lenten.

Great films are not made with money.

They are made with love with care.

With integrity and together we can create a horror picture in the great tradition.

Not with the writer we got. He ain't no Edgar Albert Poe.

Writers like Paul, we can't afford anyway.

-Times change mr von Croft. -Do they?

Gentlemen in this very studio 30 years ago,

I played a monster.

I can make that monster walk again.

Fine, marvelous, bravo.

That was wonderful mr von Croft, don't you agree Morty.

-Yeah sure. -Oh I�ve been thinking about my characterization.

There are a few touches I might add. I�d like to use my own makeup.

-Wonderful go ahead. -Maybe you could play it without teeth.

A toothless vampire? Wouldn't that be a little hard mr Lenton.

That Morty is always in there with the rib. You'll go ahead mr von Croft.

Wake up makeup any way you like mind waiting for me in the makeup room,

I�ve got a few things to go for with more of course only take a minute.

Morty, Morty...

-Where is he? -He's gone.

Well what do you think? -I told you to let me run a test on him first.

-This guy is strictly cornball. -But when he did the monster for a...

Yah, don't tell me you went for a speech about the great tradition and all that jazz.

You want the picture that's sales grosser.

-Not one of them kakamemi art form. -Morty all right.

Do it your way. You haven't missed yet.

How about some coffee?

-Hell good morning. -Good morning.

-Let me see your makeup darling. -Ready?

-Yeah just a minute Morty. -Como on Lara.

Bye-bye.

-Yes master. -I�ve been waiting for you boy.

Got that new dialogue for this scene?

-Right here. -Let me see.

Okay. Here darling, you and pops run through these changes, go ahead.

Mr von croft?

Rusty boy.

von Croft?

-Mr von Croft? -Yeah.

Don't be afraid my dear.

There's no need to be afraid of me.

-You smell of death. Death? -I bring you life, eternal.

No no, please no.

One kiss and you shall join me to live forever.

No no no please no.

Okay you got the idea.

Well you think it'll play well, Freddie boy?

Oh, I think that mr von Croft could inspire terror just by reciting the alphabet.

Well you two don't know each other do you?

This is Fred Logan here at the screenplay.

-Very fine job mr Logan. -Mr von Croft,

-you and Lara go over it again and think up some business huh? -Yeah.

-Um, do you like? -von Craft he looks great. -Oh I never mind him I mean the set.

Oh the set oh oh well that dummy up there Morty, that looks pretty horny.

You know how the boss is about money.

Want you should pay 50 bucks to some stuntman just to hang there all day?

Morty these uh changes you had me making this scene, why all this dialogue?

I thought it would play better with just action.

Hey never mind what you thought I want some close shots of von Croft.

Why? It doesn't make any sense.

I ain't asking for opinions what I want is cooperation.

And you better give it to me Freddie boy if you want to keep on eating.

All right all right quiet everybody quiet.

Okay you two know what to do. Lara...

You stand over next to the grave.

No no no not like that you're supposed to be a high school kid.

Like this.

You're out in the graveyard alone at midnight.

Big deal. Waht do a girl doing in a graveyard at midnight and alone yet?

Just do like the script calls for.

And will you get rid of that gum?

-Yes master. -Now mr van Kraft...

When she discovers you in the scene you are lying in the coffin.

Would you mind just trying it for size.

-How does it feel, okay? -Oh yes mr Lenton.

This will be a great picture a great picture.

I�ve been away a long time but now,

I have come home.

Hi kids long time no see.

Not since you wrapped up the picture.

-How'd you like to write me another? -I wouldn't. -We'll see.

Come, let me pour you a drink. I figure we can bring in a sequel fast and cheap.

I have instructed the graveyard set,

we can get Lara Lee and old uh what's his name? -van Croft.

How is he?

Uh, I haven't seen him. Gabe Marine tonight told him to catch the peak down the street.

-We're opening cold to the naves all over town. -I�m seeing it yet myself.

Morty did a great job. that's why I called you.

Hustle over and see it and take notes.

-Notes? Are you kidding? -This is friday night.

Great kid audience. Everything that sets them off,

you make a note of it. Do a scene just like it in the sequel.

Aren't you going to be there?

You kidding?

I got a weak stomach. Morty is coming here later.

We look over the sets, see what we can save.

So hurry over and catch the show.

And remember I want lots of notes.

Yeah.

Don't be afraid my dear.

There's no need to be afraid of me

No one would dare to harm you while I am here.

I shall protect you always

-...the smell of death. -Yes I bring you life eternal life.

One kiss and you shall join me to live forever.

And for eternity.

Sit down pups.

Mr von Croft...

Oh...

Why are you sitting here in the dark?

This is where I belong.

In the dark alone.

Oh come on now. Come on it's not that bad.

Did you see the picture tonight?

-Yes. -Then you know it is that bad.

Now look what you need is a drink, see?

-I brought a bottle. - No thanks. I wan't have.

Well...

It helps me. Helps me.

Do you mind?

The reason I came over here and see ya,

I want to explain.

I�ve been sitting here ever since I came home.

Trying to think of an explanation.

Forget about it that's my advice.

They did it deliberately, why?

Why? Your friend the director.

Was so convincing said he needed all those close-ups of me.

And you agreed.

I didn't know what he was gonna do with him I swear I didn't.

And all the while he was planning this this,

mockery coming in somebody else's voice, to make me look like a fool.

Well I had nothing to do with this so help me.

-How could he do such a thing to me? -Oh now look don't take it so hard, see?

There'll be other chances other pictures.

Not after what Morty Lenten has done to me.

I went to the theater expecting to see my comeback.

Instead I found myself attending my own funeral.

That's right my friend drink a toast, a toast to Ernst,

Ernst von Croft, the greatest laughing stock of them all.

May he rest in peace.

-What do you got there. -Souvenirs.

Souvenirs of the dead.

Look, remember these?

-I wore this in my first picture, The Voice of Death. -Sure

Sure. I remember

These the wrappings when I played The Mummy.

Oh it's great, it was the greatest. I saw it when I was a kid.

Yes and you didn't laugh at me then, did you?

No, no nobody laughed at you then.

You are a monster. You're the monster.

Now I�m dead, murdered by a stupid fool named Morty Lenton.

No you're not you're not dead monsters never die.

I believe in you von Croft,

you you'll show you...

Hal, Morty...

Hal...

What the hell...?

Help me...von Croft...

I tried to stop him. He knocked me down. I hit my head.

-Wher,e where is he? -I don't know.

-But you've got to find him. -I know.

-Is he...? -Death.

That's how he killed Morty.

I don't understand this vampire bite. What was he trying to prove?

Something we should have remembered all along.

He was...

the greatest monster of them all.

Obviously the lesson of that story is quite clear.

One should be careful what friends you hang around with.

As in this business.

These girls are very carefully screened.

The one here for example the one lighting my pipe.

She and I do not hit it off.

She won't be here long.

See you in a moment.

Until next week good night