Original subtitles

Good evening.

You should have seen the one that got away.

The only one I�ve ever seen with gold lamy scales.

I�m sure all of you are interested in the details of this catch.

It's really a matter of finding the proper bait.

I soon learned that these little creatures can tell,

cheap costume jewelry on site and won't come near it.

You must bait your hook with the real article.

And sometimes they make off with the bait before you can reel them in.

However, that's a situation with which most of you men are already familiar.

Tonight's fable is entitled The Last Escape.

But first something from which there is no escape.

THE LAST ESCPAE

-Ok, are you ready mr Ferlini? -Ready.

Here, let me help you.

No Tommy, that's him.

They liked your husband tonight.

That kind of crowd.

-They like you too. -Thanks.

Tommy, I didn't mean that you know what I feel about you.

-I mean about your singing. -is that all you mean? Just my singing.

-Tommy me please. -It's all right he's in his dressing room.

It's not all right. I�ve told you that it's never all right when he's around.

Look, when am I gonna see you alone?

-Please. -Got to give me an answer. -I got to go.

Hi honey. I was great tonight just great. What do you say?

The gratest.

I could have gotten out the steel boxes tonight that's how good I felt.

Hey, did you get a load of that little guy who put me in a straight jacket?

He thought he was gonna make it real tough on me .

Heu said I was hauling on those straps.

Those little guys they're the worst.

It' s a pleasure to fool them.

Look at that, look. at that, honey.

Would anybody take me for 46 years of age?

-What do you say? -You're a greek god.

-Speaking of greeks. I�ve been invited out to dinner tonight, Harry. -Ah Harry.

He spoils my appetite. I hear him talk and think the escape business was dead.

Well he should have been out there tonight, he's no different.

Well he booked into this joint, he ought to know whether it's dead or not.

And uh listen Joe tonight when with Harry,

I don't want to hear any more of that water business,

you understand? I�m sick of hearing about it.

Uh you're getting old vanda that's your trouble.

That water trick's the best idea ever had it's going to make me a headliner.

yeah don't you talk to me about age, you know kid yourself Joe.

Trick like that water trick might prove too much for you.

No kid huh?

I see 10 new wrinkles on your face in the last week, sugar.

You look at yourself lately? Go on take a look.

Here use a mirror.

Well go look at yourself.

-Go on take a look. -Stop it Joe. -Who you calling an old man, huh?

I�m younger new. I understand cause I keep in shape.

-Don't you go calling me an old man, you hear me? -All right, all right.

Not everybody thinks I�m so old Joe.

-Not everybody. -Ah shut up, and get dressed.

So we're supposed to go out to dinner let's go out to dinner.

Besides I gotta talk to Harry about something.

About the water trick.

But even he is dead, don't forget that.

I know Houdini�s dead.

Only I�m alive me Joe Fellini.

Yeah that's one thing about you Joe you never had any trouble with any false modesty.

What could Houdini do that I can't I?

Work with ropes chains irons I can get out anything.

Sacks, bags, hampers, trunks, I could do all handcuff routines.

And I still do the fastest straightjacket escape in the business. Besides,

you know Houdini used to use a lot of trick stuff.

-And you don't? -Sure sometimes.

I got my skeleton keys phony bolts all that junk.

But you know Harry I do most of my tricks with muscles, right?

Sure, sure. Joe you're the greatest.

All right keep in shape.

Ask wanda here I work out an hour a day with the barbells.

I still got great chest expansion I can do that water trick it'll be the greatest.

But it's been done Joe that's what I�ve been trying to tell you.

People don't get excited about that kind of stuff anymore.

You drink too much Harry your brain's soft.

Sure that trick's been done but that was years ago.

There's a whole new generation today.

All you got to do is handle that publicity right now, will be a sensation.

Harry what do you say?

Okay how do you want to work the act?

I expand they timing I relax the rope falls off.

I got a skeleton key in a seam of the pants.

As soon as I get the handcuffs off I reach into the pants,

get out a razor blade cut myself out of the sack,

get out of the false bottom of the trunk,

and go to the surface of the lake like a cork.

-It's a cinch. -Yeah how good a swimmer are you?

The greatest you don't have to worry about that.

When I was a kid I was gonna swim the English channel.

That's how good I was.

Well I could put you over in a motorboat,

pick you up the same way, that'd lessen the risk.

That'd be easy. I know you'd see it.

Well I don't see it.

Sounds to me like a ticket to the graveyard.

Why? You're wrong, honey. This is a ticket to the big time, right Harry?

Maybe, we'll have to see.

-Tell me what are you doing here? -Well I had to see you. -I thought I don't...

I know Joe isn't here. I saw him swimming in the lake.

What's all this swimming about anyway he's taking it awfully seriously.

He's getting in shape.

-He's going for a long swim. -What?

Tommy you shouldn't be here.

-You don't want any trouble neither do I. -I didn't come here for trouble.

What did you come here for?

I didn't think I had to tell you.

Wonder you've got to leave him.

It's getting worse all the time.

You don't know what it's like.

Every year, every day.

All he thinks about night and day is the act.

Escape, escape, escape, sometimes I think I�m going crazy Tommy I mean it.

When we were in Louisville last year I went to,

a headshrinker for a while. Do you know that?

Three months it was. And he got that job in Vegas.

that was the end of that.

Ask me, he's the one that's crazy treating you the way he does.

No he thinks about escaping in his sleep sometimes.

No kidding.

Sometimes in the middle of the night he throws off the covers and takes a bath.

-Tommy? -Yeah?

-Would you do me a favor? -Certainly.

Would you put these on?

Please.

Try it to get loose.

-I can't. -Of course you can't.

Neither could Joe.

If he didn't have this hidden on him someplace.

Now try it.

-The key, it won't turn. -No of course it won't.

It's the wrong key.

This is the right one.

You know that water trick he does where?

-He gets thrown into the lake. -Yes.

Well he's gonna do it in a couple of weeks.

That's what he's practicing for now.

And you know what I�ve been hoping and praying for ever since he decided to do it.

You better go now.

In casey he comes back.

Sure everything's all set I don't want anything to go wrong.

I�m always all set.

-You sure you feel okay, huh? -Never better.

Have a little kiss, honey, for good lu.ck

Yeah sure, joe.

Chief Wallace, I�d like you to meet the great Ferlini.

-Fellini. -This is mr Ralph Kremens president of the local chamber of commerce.

Frank Petty of the Tribune.

And you've already met our motorboat pilot mr Dave Brooks.

Well let's get started it's a bit warm and I�m ready for a dip.

-Chief Wallace do you have the handcuffs? -Yes I have them right here.

Now chief Wallace you've examined these handcuffs are you sure they're genuine.

-Oh they're genuine all right. -And will you place them on please.

-Yeah. -May we have the rope please?

Now will you gentlemen tie this rope around the body,

of the great Ferlini and make as many knots as you wish.

I warn you mr Ferlini, I used to be a boy scout.

There. Now mrs Ferlini may I have the sack please.

Our gentleman lift the great Ferlini onto the sack please.

Now pull the sack up over his head.

And fasten the top securely.

And now...

we have the trunk.

Now you gentlemen have examined this trunk and tested its locks, is that correct?

The lock is okay but why do you have all these holes in the trunk?

A good question. The holes are there to make the trunk sink faster.

-Satisfied? -Okay. -All right.

Will you gentlemen lift the great Ferlini into the trunk please?

Chief Wallace.

Chief Wallace will you secure the lock, please?

Well now are you gentlemen satisfied that the,

great Ferlini is securely locked in this trunk?

-We are. -Sure. -And we are ready to put him aboard the motorboat.

I sure hope they know what they're doing.

-Is this all right mr Miller? -Yes this'll do fine.

All right Dave let's get this trunk overboard.

Yes sir.

There he goes.

He's not coming up mr Miller.

He's got to come up.

He's got to.

He's not coming up.

Dear friends we are gathered here today,

to consign the mortal remains of Joseph,

Martin Ferlini to the earth which bore him.

Who can say that Joseph Ferlini,

in his last moment of earthly glory was not happy?

In this choice which was made for him,

by the almighty arbiter of life and death.

Is this a Ferlini funeral?

Why yes. -But I�m sorry to break this up reverend but,

I�m from the uh county coroner's office.

I�m afraid the funeral services can't continue.

We have orders to attach the body of joseph Ferlini.

-But surely... -What's the matter? Something wrong?

-I�m sorry ma'am, you mrs Ferlini? -Yes.

But we have a court order to attach your husband's body,

the coroner wanted me to make a further examination.

I�m afraid I�ll have to open the coffin.

-Open the coffin? -Yes, at the caretakers cottage.

We'll make the examination there.

Would you gentlemen please pick up the coffin and uh follow me?

Thank you gentlemen I�ll call you when I need you.

I�m sorry uh you must go.

Don't look on there.

Well you got to understand how it is in my business.

Everything is showmanship, everything.

And that's why Ferlini made this deal with me.

And just what was this deal?

Well nobody knew about it but him and me. It was crazy, I told him that.

But he made me promise him that if anything ever happened to him,

if he should die that I would arrange a last escape.

Something that would make him be remembered longer even than Houdini.

-And that's all it was a trick. -A trick?

Look, I slipped the undertaker 50 bucks and he,

arranged to have him buried someplace secretly.

Then he put an empty coffin under the hearse and that guy from,

the coroner's office he was a phony too just an actor I hired.

So, you see what I mean? Showmanship.

I see, but I�m afraid that your showmanship,

has had quite an effect on mrs Ferlini.

-That's the unfortunate part. -Yeah.

Well I feel pretty rotten about that, doctor.

-Could I see her? -I�m sorry mr Miller but that's impossible right now.

Yeah well I understand.

Well remember doctor if there's anything I can do...

Thank you mr Miller, thank you.

Mrs Ferlini I really would try and rest if I were you.

You must remember that things are always much better than they seem.

That this is the best of all possible worlds.

That every cloud has a silver lining.

And that it is darkest just before the dawn.

I tell you this not because of what you have just experienced.

But for what you are about to see.

I suppose you're wondering what became of my catch.

The game warden insisted I throw her back in.

Because her measurements didn't meet specifications.

In order to keep them they must be larger than 36 22 15.

And of course it's quite difficult knowing,

precisely where to take that last measurements.

Next week I should be back so let us hope I have some more luck in the meantime.

Until then, good night.