Original subtitles

-Hi, Nicoletta. -Fabrizio!

Downloaded from YTS.MX

-Thanks, darling. You're always so nice. -No, I'm just sticking to the rules.

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Once we are married, you'll be the one bringing me coffee in bed.

-I can't wait, Fabrizio. -Me too.

-It's late. I have to go. -How is it late? You've just arrived.

Nicoletta, you should know by now.

As a medical doctor officer, when the recruits arrive,

I must stay at the infirmary.

You know, I have to visit hundreds of soldiers.

Then there are the preparations for the great maneuvers.

Oh, of course, the great maneuvers…

-When are you leaving? -Nobody knows.

Suddenly the trumpet sounds and off we go, leaving for the camp.

-So I won't see you for many days. -They will go by quickly, love.

Maybe for you, but when I think of you being so far away…

I'd like to change the army rules and have girlfriends come to the camp.

-Only girlfriends? -Yes, sure.

March like us

Sing like us

In the greatest army that exists

The platoon is a merry company

Attention!

At ease!

Right flank!

Left flank!

Come be a soldier with us

We don't need heroes here

-The only war is love -Yes, sir!

-A barracks and a heart -Yes, sir!

Presence!

Chest out!

About face!

Forward, march!

Come be a soldier with us

Everyone minds their own business

Come! Come!

That is what freedom is

Come be a soldier with us

March like us

Sing like us

In the merriest army that exists

You can find love in the orderly room

Shoulder!

Flank!

Brunette, one step forward!

Blondie, one step back!

Come be a soldier with us

We don't need heroes here

-The only war is love -Yes, sir!

-A barracks and a heart -Yes, sir!

Presence!

Chest out!

About face!

Forward, march!

Come be a soldier with us

Everyone minds their own business

Come! Come!

That is what freedom is!

Come be a soldier with us!

Come be a soldier with us!

-Sergeant! -What is it?

-Alarm! -Have the guards line up!

Go! Hurry up!

GUARDS CORPS

Attention!

Presence!

Shall I have you accompanied to the colonel?

-No. -To the major?

The captain? First lieutenant? Second lieutenant? The marshal?

-Sergeant Samperi, meaning me? -This is all I am here for.

-A recruit? -Yeah.

-A disgusting recruit? -I am not disgusting.

-You are disgusting! Go away! -Calm down.

Go away! The disgusting car too!

What are you doing there? You leave too! Break the lines!

It's crazy! Why does it all happen to me?

He came with a Mercedes and a driver! Scum!

-You can go inside. -Hey.

-It's him. -Zingaretti. Come here.

-Him? -No, you!

-Him? -Come on, don't piss me off. You!

-Me? How dare you? -Yeah. Come here.

You are so nice.

Is this where you can get everything free? Food, clothes and cigarettes?

No. This is a military base. We have soldiers, here.

The retirement home is farther up.

-Go, go, go! -Retirement home? I have to come here!

You wrote to me and I answered.

-Oh, you are a recruit. -Yes.

I didn't bring my Immacolata, because I don't know yet what this place is like.

-Who is Immacolata? -Who is she? Are you kidding?

-She's my girlfriend! -I see, your girlfriend.

A girl who looks like a movie actress.

-She's a dream! -A dream?

Tell me, between you and me, do you dream, sometimes?

-Yes, a lot, actually. -Do you have bad dreams or nice ones?

-Both bad and nice. -I get it. Can you explain them?

Not really, no.

Listen, if you need some explanation, come to me.

Yes. I have a dream dictionary.

-You do? -Yeah.

-You have a dream dictionary? -I do.

Then you can tell me. Just one dream.

Yes, a dictionary that explains your dreams.

So you give out lucky numbers?

Don't tell anyone, okay? As soon as you're in the army,

and you find out that someone has had a dream, bring him to me

-and I'll give you a cut of the earnings. -I got it!

-Understand? -Thank you.

-Now go with the others. Go. -Yes.

By the way, do you sing, too?

Modestly, Pasquale Gagliardelli sings and plays at the same time!

What do you make me do? Go!

Nicoletta.

Nicoletta, my dear. Miss, wake up.

Miss, wake up.

This time you caused major trouble with that motorbike of yours.

-A policeman came here. -Palmira, please, don't tell Dad.

I never told your dad about the trouble you get in.

A policeman came by and you're laughing? Bless you.

It's not about the motorbike, this time. It's the usual mix up.

It's the draft card. I'm going to talk to Fabrizio.

At the registry office, Dad registered me as "Nicola"

and they never know if I'm a boy or a girl.

Always blaming your father. But you're the one riding a motorbike.

The colonel is not as reckless as you are. He drives a car.

-See you at Coppola Pinetamare. -Yes, Fabrizio.

Please, Flora, try and come soon. Okay?

Won't you be too busy with all those drills?

Only during the day.

-Excuse me. -Tell me.

-Is this the 47th regiment? -Yes, this is it.

-Good. -Why did you stop at the entrance?

-Let me catch my breath one second. -Of course. Take your time.

Thank you.

-Done? Do you need more time? -No.

Then you can enter. Please come in. I'll raise the bar.

You might as well have brought your whole wardrobe.

What were you thinking? To come here on vacation?

-This is a barracks! -Yes!

-You must be a soldier! -Yes!

-You have to step on it! -Yes!

-Is that clear? -Yes!

-What do you have in the suitcase? -Nothing. Just something to eat.

-Family souvenirs, Corporal. -Who did you call a corporal?

-You. Aren't you a corporal? -You called me a corporal?

Are you blind or what? Can't you see my rank? It's golden.

I'm sorry, Lieutenant!

Oh, well, you got close enough.

-Go join the others. Go. -Thank you, Lieutenant.

Go! Hurry.

Corporal!

-Sergeant. -What?

He's coming!

Guys, marshal Ciccio La Rosa is coming! Get up, don't look lazy.

Good morning, Marshal.

This is the worst guard corps of the army.

It's because there was some traffic, this morning.

Mine was a statement. You must answer, "Yes, sir".

-Yes, sir. -What kind of traffic?

-Yes, sir. -This is a question. Answer it.

Since seven this morning a lot of new recruits came here.

-So we have some extra work. -Is that why these men look so shabby?

Well, perhaps they aren't so shabby.

This is another statement. Answer "Yes, sir"!

-Yes, sir! -Good. When you're off duty,

come to my office. I'll give you a refresher on order and rules.

So? Have you become mute?

I don't understand if this is a question or a statement.

Neither. It's a warning.

Because of what they said about me, give them two days confinement.

Actually…

Three days to the trumpet player and five to the corporal.

-What about me? Shall I demote myself? -Why? What did you say about me?

-Well… The usual. -I'll see you in my office.

So, we'll talk about your sister too.

Good morning, sir. Bless you.

-Who are you? -I am recruit Bonvesin.

I'm from Vicenza and I like wine.

I am Marshal La Rosa from Villarmosa and I like soda water.

-Let's make a cocktail, then. -To hell with the cocktail!

-Sergeant Cucuzza! -Yes, Mar…

-That's fine. -Yes, sir.

Take this recruit and nail it into his head

that the next disciplinary offense will cost him 500 rounds of the courtyard!

Is that clear?

That's fine! Attention!

-What was it, an earthquake? -Even worse, he's marshal La Rosa.

He's a tornado. Get in line with the others! Hurry!

INFIRMARY

Okay, you can go. Fourth platoon.

Nicoletta, why are you here? What happened?

-Tell me. -Fabrizio, it's a very particular case.

The son of my custodian was assigned to your regiment

and later today he's supposed to come here to get his uniform.

Meanwhile, you can help him by assigning him to his department.

-Well, actually, I… -Please, do me this favor.

If I'm not careful with you, I'll be put on trial and degraded.

There you go. I assigned him to the Command company. So he'll be with me.

Really? Good. Give him a place in a nice tent.

-Sure, with a view of the sea. -Yes, that would be nice.

I'll let you work. Bye, Fabrizio.

Hey, mustache!

I don't want to offend you… but where is the bathroom?

Here we say, "Sergeant".

-Oh, it's called "sergeant" in the army? -Yes.

-You talk to a suitcase? Idiot! -My pleasure, Nando Proietti!

-Lieutenant, are you all right? -I'm perfectly fine.

-Excuse me. -I am Sergeant Cucuzza!

You see this rank? If you squeeze it, blood will come out.

My goodness, you are so agitated.

Boys, "You who enter, lose all hope!"

"Ye who enter!" Recruit, what is in that flask?

-Water from the lagoon. -Water? Water?

-This is wine! -Miracle!

She's pretty!

It's Brigitte Bardot!

Miss, I am Ambrogio Martinelli. May I invite you to Saint-Tropez?

-We arrive and you leave? -What a beautiful girl.

So hot! Your thighs are better than Altafini's!

-I said Saint-Tropez. -Come be a soldier with us!

Come be a soldier with us!

Come be a soldier with us!

Watch out. Watch your step! On your right!

-I'm looking for a place. -This one next to me is vacant.

-A single room. -Thank you.

-It's a big team. -Nice.

-The hopeful Napoli team. -It's lovely.

And she is Immacolata, my girlfriend.

"Immacolata". A lovely bird.

-How dare you? -It means a lovely girl.

Hey.

How much are you drinking? You're like a camel.

-Is it already noon? -My goodness. What a place.

Sorry. It slipped.

-It shouldn't slip. -Excuse me.

Good night. They gave me a helmet that's too big.

-Look at mine. -I can't see you.

-I'm here. -You look good too.

Does someone have a mirror?

ATTENDANT WANTED 50,000 MONTHLY

-Are you looking for an attendant? -Yeah.

Didn't you know they were abolished under provision 00427/1-7?

Right. It was a disgusting practice.

High-ranking officers brought soldiers home to use them as maids,

cooks, waiters, nannies…

-And then? -Then what?

I am not a high-ranking officer.

-What do I care? -You're right.

Excuse me, sir. I'm available to be your attendant, if you need one.

-Is it your first time? -No. I did it for my mother too.

-You don't look too smart. -But I am always awake.

Adenoids?

-You exchanged him for a horse. -Mind your own business.

-Are you farsighted? -No, Venetian.

So, am I good enough for you?

Not really, but I'll make do. 50,000 monthly,

and when your service is over, I'll get you a job at Daddy's firm.

-Undress me. -Bless you, I won't ever leave you.

-Hey! You idiot! Be careful! -What did I do?

Sorry, I didn't do it on purpose.

-What have you got inside, holy relics? -You shut up!

-Do you make love with it? -Yes, why?

-Are there cigarettes inside? -Don't talk about that!

-What's inside there? -Let's see.

All right. Who cares? Anyway, you'll find out sooner or later.

There you go. Out.

Daddy's love.

-How do you feel? -He is so cute.

-Handsome, huh? -Is he the son of the regiment?

No, the son of the regiment is your sister's!

Are you crazy? A child at the barracks?

-Hands off. You'll break him. -It's not Murano glass.

No, he's my son, Romoletto.

I'm all aching from being in this suitcase.

Dad, I would have been better off in the shop with Mom.

Romoletto, be quiet. Okay? Don't say that.

-Do you have a shop? -What are you saying?

What are you talking about? In Rome, by "shop" we mean jail, prison.

My wife is serving time for smuggling cigarettes.

-So it's about cigarettes after all. -Yes, of course.

Disgusting! With three million inhabitants, they only caught her.

My wife is in prison, and I'm a soldier. What could I do?

Good idea. You'll end up in the papers.

And maybe this intruder in 20 years will get to skip his military service.

-What? -The boy.

-Are you planning to have him sleep here? -Where can I leave him?

-In a boarding school. -Dad, your friends are pieces of shit.

What are you doing, scoundrels? Get moving!

If in two minutes you aren't ready,

I'll make you run all around the barracks!

You have my word, sergeant Cu… Cu..

Cucuzza!

Who did it? Take one step forward.

-Me! -There was only one raspberry.

There is just one culprit! Come out.

-I get it. Out with the tenth! -You see double? We are only five.

Qu… Quiet!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine and ten.

You will do 50 laps around the courtyard.

In fact, as Marshal Ciccio La Rosa decided and ordered me to do,

you will do five…

-God bless you! -Thank you.

Five hundred laps!

Five hundred. I'll have to run the Thousand Miles Race.

-I'm sorry, I'll run and come back. -Hurry. There's a lot to do.

-Bye. -Don't get tired!

Marshal La Rosa… The Thousand Miles Race… 500 laps…

Be quiet! Something stinks badly in here.

Emergency operation. Where is it?

Immacolata, where are you?

Come in.

Come in.

Sergeant, excuse us. Are we bothering you?

-You always bother me. -I know, but it's about a dream.

No worries, then. Close the door, please.

-Close it. -Close it.

-Sit down. -Thanks, but there's just one chair.

Let's count. Let's see who sits.

-I won. -He won.

You won.

So, tell me everything. Slowly and calmly,

or I can't decipher it.

Sergeant, this doesn't concern me.

Sorry. It's about him. It's a dream he had.

It was terrifying, horrible. A real thriller.

Oh, I see. While he was sleeping, someone rang.

No, sergeant, a thriller, like a noir.

Noir?

Apocalyptic stuff to drive you crazy, sir.

-Yes, whatever. -Is he a foreigner?

-No, he's Venetian. -Italian Venetian?

-Lombard-Venetian. -Ah, Venetian-Lombard.

Bad start. It's the first time I come across a dream from northern Italy.

-I can't decipher it. I don't get it. -It's why I'm here!

-What will you do? -He speaks and I translate.

-The subtitles? -Yes.

Tell it slowly to the sergeant, without scaring him.

I was outside the barracks

and in front of me, there was a lion.

-Did you get it? -No.

In front of him, there was a lion.

-I understand. -I turn around to run away

-and there's a tiger in front of me. -He ran away.

And the tiger arrived. I get it. I'll take care of it.

-The dream isn't over, Sergeant. -No.

The lion and the tiger went away,

and this poor man is faced with a snake this long.

-How long was it? -This long.

No. You must be consistent. Before you said the snake was this long.

-Now you say it's like this. -It got longer during the dream.

-It was in front of me. -You are lucky.

You were born lucky. Thank the Lord.

It's always better to find a snake that size in front of you,

because if it had been…

-If you know what I mean. -Listen to the rest.

-Is there more? -This poor man runs towards the barracks,

returns through the courtyard and finally reaches the barracks.

He is safe!

-No. -I wish. I had a double heart attack.

I know. You entered the barracks and found Marshal La Rosa.

Right! He was dressed like a lion tamer and a whip in his hand.

He is a slave driver! I knew it! He's the army's nightmare.

Tell me something. What drill did you have him do?

-What drill? -What drill?

-You ask me? -He asked you.

-You ask me? -What drill?

A pill?

-No, a drill. I'll answer. -Of course. He's…

Terrifying things. Holy Office inquisition stuff.

-What? -Sorry. Inquisition stuff.

Oh. I see. After the snake.

With one hand he had him lift a camp kitchen.

Then, with his head…

-Hey! This isn't a bullfight. -I wanted to show you.

You almost made a hole in my chest. Do it on that side.

Move! Your head is always in the way!

Can't you keep this face out of the way? You always keep it next to him!

Don't make him angry!

I'll do it there. Then, with his head he had him push a cannon.

It's crazy. Inhuman! Wicked!

But this time, thanks to his face, we'll win the lottery.

You know what this is?

-What is it? -The book of dreams.

There's everything inside. The mysteries of the infinite.

Nothing's missing here.

Hurry! Step on it!

Loafer! Where are you going? Go over there!

-Step on it! -Come on!

Come on!

-How dare you? -What did I do? I just pushed you.

-Step on it, deadpans! -Are we going to the cemetery?

Why are you sitting at my desk?

Quiet! You can't smoke here.

Let's clear up. We've been ordered to leave for the maneuvers.

We must be ready before 11, so we need to be fast and strict!

Hurry!

Hurry. We are late!

Come on, hurry up!

-It doesn't fit. -Sergeant Samperi.

I said we're leaving for the drills, not moving to another building!

Ciccio, you are making me nervous!

Sometimes you are friendly, and other times you're not! It wears me out!

I ask to be discharged!

I told you a thousand times that in the barracks I don't want us to be friendly!

Okay, but when we are alone, we can.

I feel the need for it.

All right, but only when we are alone.

Dear Ciccio, we are alone now. Can I give you a kiss?

Don't worry. We'll fix everything within five minutes.

No! For goodness' sake! I'll get my stuff. You worry about other things.

-You get the documents… -A bomb! Heavens!

-No. It's a paperweight. -How would I know?

-Are the maps ready? -Yes, of course.

Good. Remember to put the secret cipher in the maps.

Without that, we'll lose the maneuvers.

Ciccio! We already won the maneuvers.

The cipher is here!

Romoletto, get some air.

Finally. Where are we going now?

We're going to the camp.

-Are you hungry? -No.

-You want to pee? -No, I'm thirsty.

Damn! I forgot my canteen. Did you bring some water?

-I didn't. -Romoletto, what shall we do?

I have something to quench his thirst, but it's not water.

-I'm not giving him wine. -Wine has never hurt anyone.

Dad, I'm thirsty!

Hold still. Just one moment. Is it red or white?

-Rosatello from Carso. -Okay. Better than nothing.

-Romoletto, take it easy. -You are so boring.

Easy. Drink slowly.

Slowly.

-Is it good? -It tastes like vinegar!

Don't complain!

-Disgusting! He's right! -I told you!

-Disgusting wine from Carso. -Let me taste it.

What? Are you still swollen from the typhoid shot?

-Yes, I'm still swollen. -On this side too?

-This is the tetanus shot. -Don't worry. It'll go away.

I got four, and everything is back to normal now.

Two for me and two for Mr. Martinelli.

Hurry, before Captain Re arrives.

-His Majesty the King can wait. -Come on.

-Marshal La Rosa! -Yes, Your Highness! Majesty!

Captain Re! Hurry.

Otherwise, the column will leave, and you'll be left on foot!

-Understand? Got it? Answer! -Yes, sir!

Lieutenant Pizzuti, if in five minutes they don't come outside,

-get the column to leave. -Yes, sir. March!

Dad wrote to me…

Your father wrote that you are a loafer! Let's go!

-Bersaglieri of Italy. Forward! -Be quiet!

Be silent! You idiot! You want to see me in prison?

I have a family, a reputation to defend.

And I'm going crazy! His Majesty the King, Emperor, Dictator,

is being bossy with us, soldiers from the South.

But his wife the Queen has him wrapped around her little finger.

-She what? -She clobbers him.

At 14 degrees south-east, there should be a hill.

Exactly, but there are two hills.

Strange. On the map there's just one hill.

Then move 30 degrees south-west.

There must be a promontory.

Got it. But there are two promontories.

Two promontories? It's not possible.

Let me see.

Holy Saint Rosalia! I hope it's not a sunstroke.

It's a stroke of luck. We are close to the garden of Eden.

-They are women in bathing suits. -Yes, in bathing suits.

Ciccio, I foresee great maneuvers, this year.

-Sergeant Samperi. -What is it?

We are here to unveil the objectives.

-That's what I'm doing. Unveiling. -Shame on you!

The success of the maneuvers depends on these findings,

and you lose your head for four half naked women?

-They are more than four. -Never mind if they are 100, 1,000, 2,000!

Are you interested in them, or in the final victory?

-Well, them. -Rather, did you ask yourself

if the Reds or Blues will win?

The Pink-Blacks of the Palermo team will win!

Enough! Back to the stadium. The camp site, I mean.

-Hey, have you finished? -No, just a minute, Doctor.

It looks like Saint Peter's factory, here.

You are a disorganized bunch of fools. An almost Milanese is telling you this.

It's all about creating an assembly line.

-Then get in line! -Why don't you come help us?

-You are just jealous. -That's why he has an attendant.

He has a slave. Work, slave!

-Bonvesin. -Yes, Doctor.

Don't listen to him. Work. It's good for the mind.

-Yes, of course. I'll work. -Don't worry. We're almost done.

You didn't work that hard.

"Saint-Tropez", I'm not talking to you. I don't care about you.

I'm talking to my son. Dad set up a nice tent.

-You like it? -No.

-Look. -Stop that.

You don't like it? There is a door, there are beds.

And a window. You can look out and play.

-I don't like it. -Why?

It's bigger than our home.

-I worked at lot on it. -I said I don't like it!

-Heard that? He doesn't like it. -What do you like?

Bread and mortadella.

Me too. As a boy I used to fill my tummy with mortadella.

My son is used to eating it only with freshly baked bread.

-Damn your mother. -The tobacco woman…

-The lady. -Sorry. I meant "Mom".

Mind your own shit business!

Pardon me.

-Lieutenant. -What do you want?

-I wanted-- -You are a lazy bum!

We just got here and you already ask for something.

Nicoletta! You have a man's voice and are dressed as a soldier.

What does it mean?

Come with me. Are you crazy?

-What did you do? -Me?

Nothing. You assigned me to the Command company.

-Me? -Don't you remember the draft card?

Oh! The one for your custodian's son.

We'll clarify the misunderstanding now.

Oh, no. You signed that card

to take advantage of a poor girl and take her to the camp.

-It's a serious offense. -You know it's not true.

Really? Fine, let's see if the military court believes it.

Come on, Nicoletta, what do you want to do?

I want to be a soldier with you, Lieutenant.

I won't leave you alone at the camp for so many days.

You're completely crazy. I'll go talk to the captain.

And I'll tell Dad everything. After signing that card,

there won't be a place in the army left for you.

Yes, sir. I'm going into the tent. My fellow comrades are waiting for me.

Five of them. And they're all so handsome.

In looking at this sky, I am filled

With the pleasure of living

-Good evening, Lieutenant. -At ease.

-So, is everything okay in here, guys? -Yes, sir.

Only one complaint, that there aren't any women in here.

-Don't think about it. Sleep. -Easier said than done.

-And you? -Me? I just need a bottle of wine.

Then I close my eyes, and I sleep embracing the pillow.

-Well done. What do you want? -To go to Saint-Tropez.

I need a small permit.

-Wishful thinking. -I wish, but don't expect.

How about you? You look very thoughtful.

Yes, Lieutenant, I'm thinking about my son.

-Would you like him close to you? -Yes, sir.

-Unfortunately, it's impossible. -I know.

-Soldier Bianchi, how are you? -Very well, sir.

My girlfriend is always in front of my eyes. A beautiful doctor.

-But I can't be near her. -What are you saying?

I am a man too. Look.

Yes, sure.

But you must take care, cover up well. It's humid here at night.

-Understand? -Yes, that's true.

-Good night, boys. -Good night, Lieutenant.

Thank you for your visit.

Hey! Will y'all just fuck off and keep quiet? I want to sleep!

-Come here. -He needs the boarding school.

Nice fresh air.

Your chair is ready, Doctor.

What a dawn.

-I'll get the shower ready. -Thanks. Didn't you forget something?

Only the shower gel is missing.

Don't try and be funny. Call me when it's ready.

Yes, I'm going.

Gagliardelli. Where are you going? The shower is reserved.

No, I have a bowel movement. Excuse me.

-You guys only think of your body needs. -I hope I can make it.

Miracle!

It was a woman, Lieutenant.

-She had breasts, and she was nude. -What are you saying?

You thought you saw her. It's a hallucination.

A what?

Yes, it happens frequently at the camp, because of the sun and the fatigue.

Here. Take this pill.

You'll see, you'll feel better right away.

-And I won't see women anymore? -I guarantee it.

-Will I be able to have children? -Go rest.

Don't tell anyone about your vision. You'll end up in the cuckoo's nest.

Take the pill and don't worry.

You won't see women ever again at the camp.

Ever again? To hell with that.

For once I get to see one. No women, only men. How can I have children?

Don't take a shower again. Okay?

Am I supposed to stay here without washing?

Nicoletta, you are ruining me.

It's nothing but troubles. All because of you, because of your stubbornness.

No. It's because of you, of your superficiality.

Who put me in the Command company?

Come on, Fabrizio, don't lose your head and try to take measures,

or I'll tell Dad everything.

I know, and there won't be room for me in the army anymore.

Nicoletta, let's put an end to this big act.

How? You're knee-deep into it now.

Listen, why don't you get me a hotel room,

so nobody will see me naked while I take a bath.

-Even worse. We'd only complicate things. -Why?

Because soldiers are not allowed to leave the camp.

But… as a doctor, you can give out permits.

Yes, it's true. As a doctor…

See? There's always a solution, if you think about it.

Yes, all we need to do is think.

-Guard! -Yes, sir.

Soldier Bianchi must be hospitalized at the camp hospital

and put in isolation for suspected measles.

-Yes, sir. -Take care of it immediately.

What a bummer.

Don't tell me.

Urgent dispatch from general headquarters.

-Is it mail for you? -A private dispatch.

Come on, Lieutenant, please!

Here. It's a coded message. Marshal La Rosa?

-At your orders! -Have this message deciphered.

I'll inspect the posts and return immediately.

-Yes, sir. -We'll be right back.

Only I will be coming back, Lieutenant. You get lost.

-This is it! -What?

Get the cipher and translate this dispatch.

-It's like real war. -Of course. You're still day-dreaming.

Hurry up. No time to waste.

So? Are you jammed or what?

Couldn't we postpone this translation?

What? Are you giving out numbers? Go on, translate. 44.

Forty-four cats in a row of six With two carried over

Sergeant, is this a kid's game?

I was trying to make things lighter.

Come on, Samperi, hurry up! Translate these 44 cats.

-Forty-four without cats! -Forty-four without cats.

-Build. -Good.

-Thirty-five? -Thirty-five…

Thirty-five…

-The tunnel. -"Build a tunnel".

-Sixty-nine? -I know it by heart. The woods.

"Build a tunnel in the woods." Perfect.

-Seventy and 51? -Seventy…

Seventy…

-Surprise. -Fifty-one?

Fifty-one…

-My God! -What?

-Something bad! -What?

It means the enemy.

On the contrary, it's wonderful. We have the maneuvers in our hands.

"Build a tunnel under the woods to catch the enemy by surprise."

Yes, a great surprise.

Dear Gagliardelli, this is all about social classes.

They have us do maneuvers against the subway. What is this?

Of course. It's the sergeant's fault.

He pretended to be our friend, and got us into trouble.

This is not a job for us, but for inmates serving life sentences,

people like "The Count of Montecristo".

Workers! I have cool water. Who wants to drink?

Hey, love. You got a great idea. Give me some.

-It's 30 lire a glass. -Fifty lire a glass.

You see? In your family, commerce runs in your blood.

One sells cigarettes, one sells water…

-We do what we can. -Don't worry. I'll offer to everyone.

Thank you.

I have to give you a shot. Come on, don't do that.

Come on, I won't hurt you.

Come here!

-You are driving me crazy. -What is going on?

Sorry, Lieutenant. He doesn't want the shot.

What shot? I gave him one this morning. Do you want to poison him?

I'm sorry. It was not marked on his medical chart. So…

-Fine. I'll do it. Go to the infirmary. -Yes, sir.

-Fabrizio, you got here just in time. -Yes, luckily.

-I wanted to say goodbye before leaving. -Leaving?

-Yes. -Where are you going?

To the canteen, love. Do you want me to starve?

-When are you returning? -Soon, okay?

And if the nurse comes back while you're away,

how will I defend myself from another shot?

Don't worry, he won't come back.

Lieutenant.

Excuse me.

It's for you.

-You can go. -Yes, sir.

DEAR FABRIZIO, I'M IN PINETAMARE.

WILL YOU COME HERE TO MY HOTEL? FLORA

-This is a huge problem. -What is going on?

Captain Re wants all the officers to report

-to the Pinetamare hotel. -Pinetamare?

-You'll come back late, then. -I think so.

I have to go now. Bye.

Watch out! The sergeant is coming.

Come on, guys, dig.

Go on, work, slave.

-Good morning, boys. -Good morning, Sergeant.

-How are the works coming along? -Fine.

A big hole opened up.

-I don't understand how he speaks. -Be quiet. I'll translate.

Sergeant, there's been damage on the right.

A damage on the right? Damage on the left…

-Where? -A hole opened up above.

-Who did it? -It was a spontaneous hole.

-I'll help you. -Easy.

What do you see in the south?

-Turn him around. -He looks like a periscope.

Do you see anything?

-Easy, easy. -No, you must start all over again.

-We're not going south anymore. -Did we get the perforation wrong?

We did everything wrong. Wrong direction. We must go west.

So we must dig on that side, and take a turn.

We've been working ten hours. Can't we change shifts?

I should give get another shift while you're changing directions?

You are idiots!

-I will give you a bonus. -To me too?

-To everyone? -Yes.

Do you know where this tunnel will take us?

-To the insane asylum. -No!

It will take us to get our energy back.

At the end of the tunnel, we'll find life, women, love!

-No, Fiammetta. What are you doing? -Diving.

-Dear, don't dive. -No, I will.

Please, don't. You'll destroy the pool.

-I'm diving in. -Don't, it's dangerous.

-I am saying it for you. -All right, I won't.

-Are you happy, my husband? -I insisted too much.

Come. Good girl.

Good for you. It would've been a mass falling into the water.

-What? -It's crazy to dive into the water.

Put this on. Let the others dive in.

Look how she's dressed.

-Hi, Marisa! -Hi!

-Give me your glasses. -You told me to look.

-You can look now. -I don't see anything.

It's all blurry. She looks like a driving range target.

Instead of looking at girls, check on your officers.

Isn't he Lieutenant Lorenzi?

-Who? -That one!

-I can't see without glasses. -Here. Look.

Oh, yes, it's Lieutenant Lorenzi, and he's in good company.

-I'm going to get changed. -Good.

I'm taking your glasses.

What do I care?

Flora, I told you already, these will be tough days.

-Of course, you're at the camp. -I'm not joking, Flora.

-I won't have a minute free. -You had me come here and now…

And now we can't see each other. So, you had better leave.

Try to understand, Flora. I don't want you to be alone.

Alone? There are a lot of lovely people here. This place is charming.

And if I move a little from here, there is silence and peace.

It's all magnificent, Fabrizio. I love being here.

Sorry, I'll go to the cafe to get something.

Pardon.

I'll take advantage of this moment, since you are all alone.

Tell me something. Did you ever model?

Not officially, but it depends on the situation.

-I am Angelo Maria Pisanò. -The great fashion designer.

I create style. I've been admiring you all day, you know?

Thank you.

I think you could wear my masterpiece, the Midnight Champagne,

a poem in satin and macramé.

You're flattering me. I would love to model in one of your fashion shows.

-Really? -Yes, of course.

-You promised. -Yes.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

Thanks. It's a very kind thought.

Are you surprised? Want to know how I got here?

You think I want to ruin you?

Poor Fabrizio, what trouble have you gotten yourself into?

I'll tell you what to do. Send the blondie away and stay with me.

Yes, Mommy. I love you very much.

I know. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here protecting our love.

Romoletto, come out.

-Run! Wait for me there. -Yes.

How many steps is this stretch, I wonder?

-Ten, I think. -No, it can be done with seven. Try it.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven…

-Come on, Dad! Pump it up! -Did you see this milk?

I'm better than "Torre in Pietra Milk".

You'll become strong, handsome, big, and tall like Dad with this milk.

That's easy.

Dad, she recognized you. You're squirting me!

-I mean, kids should respect us. -He's talking to the cow!

Damn!

-Go on. Nobody is here. -Yes, I can see that.

Jesus, the flowers. Did you manage to talk to the hotel florist?

Yes, of course. A fellow townsman helped me.

-Forty-eight roses. -Yes, 48 roses for Miss Ivonne Bialetti.

I hope they chose the most beautiful ones.

Very beautiful. The thorniest ones. Two thousand lire each,

plus 5,000 lire for the commission. You owe me 1,000 lire.

Good for you. Keep it up, and you'll be as intelligent as I am.

An almost Milanese. Close the door.

NO ENTRANCE TO NON-AUTHORIZED MILITARY

Hey! I've been waiting forever for you!

-Martinelli, you never do anything! -I never do anything?

-I think! -A women expert.

I like girls better

Her name is Ivonne Bialetti. I'll make a pass at her.

You always come in second. Do you think I sleep?

I've been after her since she arrived. Forget it.

"The mice came out of the sewers."

As the poet Gabriele D'Annunzio said.

Good heavens!

-Wait! -Didn't you say you followed her?

-That there's no hope? -Yes, I swear.

Do you accept criticism? Excuse me a minute.

-Holy Saint Mark. -Madonna of the Carmine.

What a hottie.

-She is surely foreign. -Yes.

I wish I could dance with her, but I don't know how to talk to her.

It's no big deal. Modestly, I can speak languages.

I'll tell you what. I'll talk to her and then introduce you to her. It's easy.

Please, baby.

Girl… Listen, you dancing with me?

Excuse me, miss. Would you dance with me?

Excuse me, miss. Would you dance with me?

-How should I speak? -Speak as your mother taught you.

Spanish! Damn! It's the only language I don't know.

I understand her very well.

Look at that piece of girl.

I'll introduce myself. I hope she speaks my language.

Excuse me.

Miss, what language do you speak?

-What is your name? -Carmencita de Mendoza.

-I'm Bonvesin. Do you like wine? -Yes, very much.

Bless you! I found a soulmate!

As of today, we'll drink a lot together.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

-I am Mr. Ambrogio Martinelli from Milan. -Tell me.

I'd like to know if Miss Ivonne Bialetti has arrived.

Yes, the lady arrived this morning. She is in room 122.

-Very well. -No, look, she is behind you.

My goodness!

-Ivonne, finally you're here. -My handsome soldier.

Shh. People must not know I am in the army.

Let's look for a peaceful spot to be alone. Over there.

-Okay. -Come on.

Stop, you ugly scum!

All right, I'm your prisoner.

I don't keep prisoners. I kill right away! Take that!

Stop! Murderer!

-Don't kill me. -I'm crazy!

Enough. You've killed me enough.

-Tell me, where do you live? -There!

-That's where the tents are. -Yes, and so is my dad.

-Your father is there? -Yes.

What do you care?

Come with me. Let's go.

Take me to your dad. I want to know who he is.

"Dear Maria, unfortunately, the lawyer said

that you'll be out in a few months. Meanwhile, I'd like…"

-Soldier Proietti! -Yes, sir!

Can you tell me who this child is?

The child, huh? You rascal. You got caught.

-He is my son. -Ah, he's your son.

-My pleasure. -Cute, huh?

I mean, do you think the camp is a nursery school?

-No, Sergeant, have pity. -Pity?

-I am an unfortunate father. -I don't care!

-Sergeant, have pity! -No!

-This child's mother is… -Is she ill?

-No, she's in the shop. -A clothes shop?

-No, the shop. -What?

In prison!

-I didn't know. -Cigarettes.

-Nice family. -My country called me.

-What could you do? -Where could I leave this boy?

He is my own flesh and blood, Sergeant. My own kin.

-This is an army tent! -I know that!

If Marshal Ciccio La Rosa finds out, he'll have me shot!

-Let's hope not! -What can I do?

My poor little boy. They want to separate us!

-Dad, you act so well. -What can I do?

-What can I do? -What will I do?

Do it for me, Sergeant. Do it in the name of your rank.

You'll be a marshal soon, and then you'll be a captain.

-I kiss him. -No, I don't like children.

-I don't like them. Maybe a little bit. -Shut up.

-Thank you. -Let's do something.

But we must both keep quiet about it. You must be quiet, too.

-I will close an eye. -Thank you.

-Actually I'll close both. -Thanks. You are a saint.

-Listen, where is the exit? -In front of you, straight ahead.

All right. I'm going.

-Sergeant, are you blind? -No, my eyes are closed.

-We didn't see each other. -Thank you, Sergeant!

-You're a friend. -Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

You precocious delinquent. You wanted to ruin me.

Luckily, the sergeant is a man who likes children.

-If we had met the marshal… -He is a rat!

-Sergeant Samperi! -Who is it?

-Oh, Marshal. -What are you doing here?

I ran out of cigarettes, and the shop was closed, so…

By the way, has the tunnel been opened? Are the works finished?

Yes. The last diaphragm fell this morning.

Unafraid of the danger, I personally inaugurated the tunnel.

Your zeal honors you, but don't overdo it.

It's my duty, Marshal. Your methods have convinced me.

Well, tactic and discipline are elementary notions.

Elementary? This is middle school, high school, university.

-You are science in person. -I do what I can.

You are too modest. You're a real leader. Like Giovanni delle Bande Nere.

You are Publius Cornelius Scipio Africanus, Gigi Riva…

-Why Gigi Riva? -The national soccer team leader.

Bravo. You have earned a drink. Waiter.

-Thanks. -Marshal La Rosa.

Who is it?

-Why are you there all on your own? -Captain Re.

Come. Keep us company.

-Sit here with me. -Captain, we didn't want to bother.

No bother. You are in the Italian army. This is a democracy.

-Marshal La Rosa. -Yes, sir.

Dance with my wife.

-Is that a wish? -It's an order.

-Sergeant Samperi! -I'm coming.

I may have you dance with the sergeant.

-Dance with the lady. -What if the police stops me?

-No jokes. Captain's orders. -I get stuck with this every year.

Go!

-I like that sergeant. -We'll leave after this.

-Madam, may I have this dance? -With pleasure.

The pleasure is mine. May I?

Excuse me.

She's a bit big.

But she's agile. Look.

I'd say… perky.

-Cumbersome. -Well, she's in good health.

-Until death takes her. -What?

I mean, if death doesn't ruin her.

-What are you doing? -Easy. Get the license plate number.

-Have you memorized it? -Yes.

Poor sergeant. I feel sorry for him.

Don't worry. He drives tanks.

-Watch out. Cucuzza is around. -Raise the bar.

-I'd have taken you to Saint-Tropez. -Take your sister, instead.

-You'll be forever a guard. -Oh, get lost.

Be quiet! Shut up!

-Carmencita de Mendoza will marry me! -Who gives a damn?

-Carmencita will marry me. -Let's find who'll really marry you.

Who is it? If you take another step, I'll shoot!

-Goddamnit! -You talk to him. I got an idea.

Sergeant, I was sleeping in the tent.

Suddenly, I had a nightmare

and went out to get some air.

-Quiet. -Dear Cucuzza!

Samperi! You were here with Gagliardelli.

I went out to get some air!

-Were you doing an inspection? -Yes.

-Inspection! -Yes, inspection!

-Let's go. -It's me, Bonvesin.

-Sergeant Cucuzza! -Yes, Marshal La Rosa!

-Inspect the bathrooms! They're dirty! -Yes, sir!

At this hour, the bathrooms. My goodness.

Sergeant, embrace the toilet seat and sing, "I Am Not Worthy of You"!

Who was it? Enough with that!

-Gentleman, we have an agreement. -Yes, sir.

With this strategic move, the Reds won't infiltrate our Blue departments.

Very very well.

-What is going on? -Dispatch from headquarters.

-Give it here. -More mail from home, Lieutenant?

-No, it's a dispatch. -I'm supposed to receive the dispatches.

-How many times do I have to repeat it? -Sorry.

They keep on playing guessing games.

Another coded message. Have it deciphered.

-Yes, sir. -As I was saying…

-Have it translated. -Yes, sir.

-Translate. -No, sir.

-Why not? -Why? Must I do it here?

-Where else? -It won't be a secret.

-Hurry up. -What number is it?

-There's only 78. -Seventy-eight.

So? Are you ready with this riddle? I mean this message?

-Just a moment. We are translating. -We are translating.

-Hurry up. Come on. -So, what does this 78 mean?

Seventy-eight…

We are ruined, Marshal. It means "spy, disguise".

-Perfect. -Perfect?

Captain, the cipher is concise but eloquent. It says "spy and disguise".

It's as clear as sunlight.

Espionage is under way.

Marshal, find the spy by using disguises.

Start a counter-espionage action.

-I'm on it. I'll find out and come back. -Ciccio.

-Goodbye. -Why goodbye?

You are leaving on a mission like 007.

-Sergeant, you'll come with me. -Then the mission becomes 0014.

-Excuse me. -Please.

It's kind of you, Doctor, to help me peel potatoes.

I am democratic at heart, and a hard worker. I'm almost Milanese.

-How many kilos did you peel? -Forty kilos. And you?

Me…

Forty grams. It's so tiring.

-My leave of absence arrived. -Now I must finish the 40 grams too.

While your mother is on vacation

I got badly swindled

-My son, you certainly pee a lot. -Why, you never do?

Just once. You are like the Trevi Fountain.

Such an effort, you have no idea. I'm so tired. I work too much.

I've even lost a button of my shirt.

How come, with your friends and father's connections…

If another war broke out, I'd be called back to the firm and discharged.

I told my dad, but he doesn't want to start another war, it costs too much.

-Can't you pretend you're sick? -The medical lieutenant is terrible.

I tried with every disease. Asiatic flu, the Spanish one,

I even offered him money, but he's tough, he refused.

I can't believe I got the only Italian who doesn't care about money.

Hey, wait a minute.

I've been told women are the doctor's only weak spot.

-You want me to give it a try? -Yes!

Ivonne, 15 days of sick leave in Saint-Tropez.

Me in shorts, and you in the nude. We'll have so much fun, Ivonne.

-You can count on it. -Thanks.

-Bonvesin. -Yes, sir.

May I have a quick look? Good heavens.

-Where is the medical lieutenant? -In the medical tent, of course.

-I'll go, then. -Thanks, Ivonne.

-Thank you. -Bye.

-Bonvesin, she'll take care of it. -If she takes care of it, it's done.

To the infirmary! Run!

-Run! -Sentinel! What happened?

A girl fell off a horse, Sergeant. Here in front of the camp's entrance.

Easy, boys.

-Shall I give her the injection? -No, I will.

-Can we undress her? -Leave.

-Why? -Leave, I said.

Yes, Doctor. He's so jealous.

Lieutenant, are you sure you don't need help?

-Out! -Yes, sir.

Don't worry, Miss. Relax.

-Does it hurt? -Ouch!

It's not serious. Just a small bruise.

Perhaps, but it hurts so much.

Help me get up.

You have such a lovely smell.

I thought all military doctors smelled like chloroform.

Maybe the others do. I disinfect my soldiers with Cologne.

-Will I make it to the hotel? -The nurse will accompany you.

-Why don't you accompany me? -I can't leave the camp, at the moment.

Unfortunately, I'm on duty.

Perhaps, as a doctor,

you could come to my hotel room to check for complications.

-So, will you come? -Okay, I will come for sure.

-I'll count on it, then. -Yeah, count on it.

Dad, the pilgrims are here.

What a lovely assortment of second-hand stuff.

-What are you doing here? -What do you care?

-Who does this nice stuff belong to? -It's mine.

-Romoletto, tell him. -We rent it out.

-To whom? -To soldiers who go out at night.

Wow. What a great idea.

When your service is over, you must come to Naples. You're wasted in Rome.

Let's put on these clothes. I'll take care of the payment.

-Wait a sec. What about the money? -I'll sign a promissory note.

-Dad, don't trust him. -How do I look?

-Magnificent, sir. -Good.

-And you? Aren't you getting changed? -Yes, but…

If you don't have money, Dad will give you credit.

-Yes, but I like the uniform. -Suits you.

Excuse me, Miss.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry. Damn, what a slap!

That's what you get for going into the ladies' room!

Sex maniac pig!

-Hi. -Sorry. I am under cover.

-How did it go? -The lieutenant fell for it.

-He's coming to the hotel tonight. -Ah, good.

-So will he give me a 15-day permit? -Judging by his look, maybe even 30.

Great.

Well…

-Sergeant Samperi, the game begins. -Are we playing poker?

No. I meant you must talk to me in a certain way.

-What are you doing? -Finding the right tone.

Dear Baron, as I was saying,

I bought a three-masted boat.

Mine is two-masted.

-You didn't get a new boat? -No, I didn't.

You know what they say… Row, row, row your boat

-I'm sensing something. -What is it?

Recruit Martinelli is in civilian clothes with a woman.

-You want to arrest him? -Would you arrest him?

-I wouldn't. -I see, you understand.

Martinelli is the spy. If we arrest him, we'll lose a lead.

-I see. -For sure he's giving information to her.

-Who does she give it to? -That's what we must find out.

Let's leave quietly.

When I fell off my horse, I really hurt myself.

-I must have a bad bruise. -Try and get a massage.

-They're talking about massages. -They mean messages.

-I see, secret massages. -I'd like a masseuse in the room.

-She must be an expert. Room 122. -I will provide one.

Let's go.

-Did you get it? -No.

-I see everything clearly. -I see everything black.

What?

Let me take care of it.

Are you the Black Pirate's daughter? May I?

I am the Baron of Seven Cream Rolls.

-This is my friend. -May I?

I am Marquis Cioppa di Varasdin, Prosperous Hopes residence.

Go to hell, both of you.

A very well-mannered girl.

-Duty is calling us. -Let's go. Hurry.

Come in.

No. No.

How rude.

Please come in.

Well? So?

-Well… -Do you have a cold?

I caught a cold draft.

Just a moment.

That's nice.

-Is this okay? -Wonderful.

-You have a wonderful touch. -I can do better.

More… flour?

Shall we put an anchovy?

It's tasteful.

Madam, is this okay? Yeah?

It's hot, isn't it?

This is a miraculous balm.

Here.

Madam.

Enough. Enough, madam.

You've tired me out.

Don't tell me.

I'm… leaving.

-Did you unveil anything? -Everything.

-She unveiled herself. -Is Soldier Martinelli involved?

-Involved? -He just comes and goes.

I feel sick. My legs are giving out on me.

-A turn. -Excuse me, madam. Please.

Maestro.

-Oh, Madame. How are you? -Fine, not too bad.

-What a lovely dress. -You like it?

This dress makes me look slender.

Magnificent!

Madam Fiammetta, I know you like being subtle in reaching an objective,

but I am curious to hear about your idea.

Women are curious

and you represent them so well, in the field of fashion, of course.

Be patient. Tonight I'll tell you everything.

Thank you, Madam. You are always well-mannered and delicate.

-You're welcome. -I hang on to your every word.

-See you in the evening. -Yes, this evening.

Madame. Your skirt.

-Good morning. -My joy. Weren't you going to the camp?

-Didn't you have a headache? -It's gone.

-So soon? -No. It took a long time.

-I can imagine. -Don't be funny.

-Let's go to our table! Come on! -Don't make a ruckus.

Please, be quiet. Damn it.

-Sit down. -Yes, Ma'am. Yes!

Here. Fiammetta, cover up.

Your headache has gone, and now I have a stomach ache.

-What? -I'm saying, cover your stomach.

-It's covered already. -Excuse me.

Madam, you're wanted on the phone. A long distance call.

It's my sister. When she starts talking, nobody can stop her.

Let her speak. You haven't seen her in so long.

Let her open up. Take your time.

Yes, okay. I'll take my time. Sure, I'll take my time.

You are a wizard of medicine, Lieutenant.

You cured me right away.

You deserve a prize, you know?

Yes, I'll get it. And what a prize.

In a few hours, Lieutenant.

-Much before that. -You're impatient.

Miss, may I have this dance?

-With pleasure. -Thank you.

-Excuse me. -The way he dances is indecent.

Where does he think he is?

Yes, you're right. He's exaggerating a bit.

-Do you know him? -You bet.

He's one of my officers, Lieutenant Doctor Fabrizio Lorenzi.

You should punish him with a week's arrest.

He's young, Miss, and he likes women.

Can you imagine? He has a new one every day.

One more reason to sentence him to life in prison.

Life in prison?

-We are on the right track. -Let's go dance.

No. We are on the right track because I found the spy.

-Another one? Who is it? -I'm not mistaken this time. Look.

She is beautiful, elegant, tall, pleasant. A siren.

A siren like an enchantress. Look.

She's bewitched the captain, and do you know how this will end?

-How? -She'll leave soon.

-Do you know where she'll go? -No. Where?

To the captain's room,

where she'll try to steal all the documents of the great maneuvers.

-What a plot. -But she won't succeed. You know why?

-Why? -I'll explain later. Follow me.

-No, explain it now. -Later, I said.

-Thank you, Captain. -You're leaving?

-Yes, I'm busy. So sorry. -Thank you, Miss.

-Captain. She left you alone? -Yes, she is busy.

-May I do something for you? -Turn on your heels.

-Like this? -You must go away.

-Governmental. -Reformed.

What are you doing at our table?

That's what I should be asking you, Miss.

Fabrizio, listen carefully.

In one hour, Colonel Bianchi, my father, your commander,

will receive a telegram. Tomorrow, Captain Re will be informed.

Nicoletta, let me explain.

You'll have just enough time to pack your bags

and the army will have one less doctor lieutenant.

Got it?

I leave for a minute, and you take advantage right away.

-You liked that blond girl! -Hot stuff.

-What? -I said she's nice.

Don't say anything else. Shame on you.

The mermaid didn't come, but the whale did.

Where are the slippers?

-Fiammetta, let me explain. -There are no explanations!

Now she'll say, "Old senile goat! Ugly idiot! Disgusting worm!"

Old senile goat! Ugly idiot!

-Disgusting worm! -Fiammetta, calm down.

-She'll slap him now. -Oh yeah? Take that!

Come on, stop using your hands.

Goddamnit. You have such heavy hands, too.

-Come to bed right away. -Yes, dear. Let's make peace.

My Fiammetta.

My beautiful Fiammetta.

-Tell me again. -My beautiful Fiammetta.

-Tell me. -You look lovely in pink.

My beautiful Fiammetta.

-Reconciliation is starting. -What will happen?

You'll see. God save the king.

Come on, smile. Let me see.

Ciccio, do you like these girls? They're not bad.

-What do you think? -Remember our mission.

Good. Pull down your bathing suit.

Let me see your femininity.

You? Good. Turn around.

There. These fish are very cute. Keep them on display.

There. You're wearing too much stuff. Show yourself. Femininity.

Unbutton your blouse. Turn around.

Your stomach. Hold your stomach in.

We'll meet tonight, okay? I am…

-Right. You're pretty. -Is that okay, maestro?

You look like a Titian painting.

-Take your vest off. -Yes, maestro.

-Call me by my first name. -With pleasure.

You are fantastic.

Girls, we will be very successful.

-Come on, go change. Hurry up. -Thank you.

No, you stay here. I am thinking of a dress for you that's magnificent.

-Ah, lovely. -It's all embroidered and it has…

Maestro!

-Bye, see you later. -All right.

-Madam. You've lost so much weight. -Yes, one kilo.

-It really shows. -How kind of you.

I can see, my idea has finally convinced you.

Perfect. Great strategy, Madam.

Your collaboration is priceless. It will surprise the public.

Especially my husband, who doesn't think I can do anything.

They wait for them on land, but they'll come from the sea.

Samperi, the captain's wife is the spy.

-What are you saying, Ciccio? -I know what I'm saying.

The enemy will come from the sea, and we'll wait for it at sea.

Let's inform the command. It'll be a tough blow for Captain Re.

Yeah.

The Red troops are set up in the pine woods.

I understand, I understand.

-And we are here. -I understand, I understand.

So, they can't surprise us.

I understand, I understand. I understood that you understood.

Everything is set up perfectly for the victory of the Blue departments.

-What is it? -Urgent from headquarters.

-Personal mail for Captain Re. -Give it here. Thank you.

I think I've already seen you somewhere.

-Where have I seen you? -Where did he see you?

-At the camp, Captain. -Oh, I remember, I remember.

Lieutenant, I must remember.

At the camp? I remember, I remember…

Finally a non-coded dispatch.

It comes from our colonel. Very well.

Gentlemen, Colonel Bianchi informs us that…

-What, are you ill? -No, sir.

As I was saying, Colonel Bianchi is informing us that at exactly 11:30

the great maneuvers will begin.

In a few minutes, the artillery will start the support fire.

Yes, sir! It's for you, Captain.

-Hello? -It's for me, Lieutenant.

Hello? Hello, Marshal La Rosa.

Great hit. Are you sure?

You heard it with your own ears?

Well, thank you. Over and out.

-Lieutenant. You are an attorney. -Yes, Captain, I have a degree in Law.

-Very well. I need you. -Yes?

Yes. I am divorcing from my wife.

-Why? -Military espionage.

Gentlemen, I have just been advised

that contrary to my expectations, the enemy will attack from the sea.

-Messenger. -Yes, sir.

Order all the departments to change the deployment.

We must block the enemy on the shore line.

How will we get to the beach? It's a long uncovered stretch.

-Let me take care of it, Lieutenant. -We can go through the tunnel.

What tunnel?

The one Sergeant Samperi had excavated. It leads straight to the beach.

Perfect. The troops will reach the beach through the Samperi tunnel.

Come on, guys, hurry up!

Hurry! Come on!

-What do you see? -I don't see anything.

Let's change the angle. Lower the periscope.

Yes.

Quick. Rapid immersion.

-So? -Nothing.

-It's impossible. -Do you think I am blind?

Let me see.

-Enemy located. -Immersion.

Close the hatch. Open the fore topgallant.

Dad, I want to be at war too.

Romoletto, are you crazy? I told you to keep hiding.

Your mother got me in big trouble by going to prison.

-I am in this war with you and them. -You are in big trouble.

Mom is here!

What? No, she'll never come out. There is no amnesty for her.

The tobacco woman is out of jail. Oh, my goodness.

-Mom, did they kick you out, too? -My handsome Romoletto!

-What are you doing here? -A war. Dad is here too.

War? The scoundrel!

He took my son to a war. Where is that son of b…?

Sergeant Cucuzza, advise not to shoot until they're in the firing line.

But they are advancing. We must be cautious.

Let's not waste bullets! Communicate!

Via radio, not via telegraph, you idiot.

-From the command post. -Yes, sir.

I am talking to Cucuzza. But I can't hear very well.

I just understood that we can't waste bullets.

-Come on, girls. Disembark. -They're not enemies, they're girls.

Attack! Cheers for women! Long live the Defense Minister!

Immacolata, forgive me. The flesh is weak. I'm coming!

Follow me!

Wait for me. I'm almost Milanese.

-Don't resist. You don't know who I am? -What is your name?

-Angelo. -An angel? Fly away, then.

Wait. Let's make love, not war!

Are you leaving? I'll take you to Saint-Tropez. Let's get the ticket.

Sir! Hey!

I am Pasquale Gagliardelli from Naples! Vico Scassacocchi 29!

Hey, ladies, this way!

-What are you doing? -You'll see.

You are going to be safe in here! Hurry!

Why are you letting them in?

I mean… What… What are you doing?

-Hurry up. -I don't…

-There you go. -But… I mean…

-You see what I did? -No.

We captured all the enemy's secret agents.

Hurry. This way. Come on.

That is the Blue campsite. We'll catch them by surprise! Hurry!

Come out, we won. You are our prisoners.

Woah, look at these girls.

Damn. First the Blues, then the Reds. It's a really black day.

-Lieutenant. -What?

-It's the end. -What are you saying?

-The Blue troops screwed us. -Damn!

They came from the sea. They surrounded our departments.

Guys, let's go!

Open the door and have them come out with their hands up.

-The girls who are inside? -Come on!

I'll open now, and you all come out with your hands up.

Sergeant, with this tunnel you messed things up in a major way!

The camp is full of women! You're not coming for the gray-green dances?

-Who is he? -He's… Soldier Proietti's son.

-At the maneuvers? -Yes.

-Sergeant Samperi! -Yes, sir!

Get ready to be degraded!

Sergeant Samperi, one step forward.

-Ciccio, tell my family. -Congratulations.

With your clever interpretation of the deciphered messages,

with your tunnel, you had us win the great maneuvers.

Bravo. You deserve a solemn praise.

-Furthermore… -He deserved it.

I entrust to you the organization of the show

we're doing for our kids. Poor things, they deserved it.

-What will you play for us? -Various numbers, songs, dances.

He's so funny. You should have been an artist.

Actually, I earn more in my military career.

Friends, you can leave.

-Yes, sir. -Not you, Marshal La Rosa.

Marshal La Rosa, I have something for you too.

-A private praise? -No.

One month under arrest, as soon as we get back.

-Understand? -Why?

False intelligence about a non-existent spy.

And therefore, no divorce!

I'll play and sing "The Recruit in Love" for you.

Sorry if I don't keep the pace. It's the first time I play.

Come on, Gagliardelli!

I am an artillery soldier

But who will give me the strength?

You are my whole life

And if you are far from me I can't live anymore

The alarm rings, but I don't wake up And when I eat, I only think of you

I don't want to live without you I don't want to march without you

Marshal, why didn't you organize the performance this year?

It's not my fault, Madam.

-You see, I was arrested for a month. -Why?

False intelligence. A non-existent spy, and no divorce.

Who had the guts to put my best officer under house arrest?

-You did, Captain. -What?

I mean, Captain, you don't know anything about this?

No. What happened?

Then go and direct the show, right away.

-May I? -Obey Re's wife!

-Quick! -Yes, sir.

Thank you, my queen… Madam.

Thank you, everyone.

-How did I do? -Damn you!

-I liked him. -You were disgusting.

Get on the stage.

Just a moment! Attention!

-Mrs. Re ordered me to direct the show. -But…

All the numbers you chose are canceled.

-No! -Quiet! Orders cannot be discussed!

We'll do a sketch on leave of absence. Choose a suitable man.

-Me! -No. You are too short. You go.

-Who was chosen as the host? -Me.

-Good. You know what you must say? -Yes, sir.

Ladies and…

-That's enough. You'll be the host. Go. -Me? What should I do?

Just speak like Mike Bongiorno.

-Can I be an assistant? -No, you are too short.

-You, go! -Go, with Holy Mary.

Friendly listeners, good evening. Are you all well?

Surprise sketch. Now you will see what can happen

to a soldier who is about to go on leave.

-Bravo, Bonvesin! -Cheers! Cheers!

Soldier Bianchi, come.

Are you going on leave?

Go have fun. Lots of women.

You're lucky. Remember not to miss out on anything.

Go have fun. Come on.

Great. Really great!

This is not a barracks. This is the grand hotel.

Well, a soldier goes out on leave.

And you wish him well instead of checking if everything is in order?

-Everything is in order, it seems. -It seems?

None of that "seems"! You must be sure!

-Let's begin with the hat. -What about the hat?

So I imagined. It's too mushy!

This isn't a hat, it's a bedsheet!

The army doesn't supply starch. Sorry.

Quiet! Do you think this is a tie?

Touch it!

It's not a tie! It's a collar for stray dogs!

The shoes are dirty and the pants aren't ironed.

I bet that under the shirt, Soldier Bianchi doesn't wear an undershirt.

-I didn't know that. -Let's find out right away.

-Take your shirt off! -Take your shirt off!

-No! -Take your shirt off!

I won't take it off.

-Did you explain the sketch? -Yes.

For the third time, take off your shirt, or we'll take it off!

-I refuse! -He refuses!

-Immobilize him! -No!

I don't want to.

What is it, Marshal? He's not wearing an undershirt?

-She doesn't know how to swim! -Help! I'm drowning!

Guys, I'll grant a 15-day leave to whoever saves Soldier Bianchi!

I don't care about the doctor. I'll get that leave, and off to Saint Tropez.

You dive too!

Come on, boys! Are you letting him drown?

-Help! -I don't know how to swim.

Stop. I will save him.

Dad, that piece of shit Martinelli screwed you!

Come on. I am your safety, and you are mine.

Lieutenant, what are you doing, just standing there?

Quick, perform mouth-to-mouth breathing.

Yes, sir.

Captain, may I perform the mouth-to-mouth breathing?

-There's only one thing you must do. -What?

-Go to the countryside for a few days. -Like Marianna!

Fabrizio.

Ciccio, is the lieutenant a homosexual?

No. I'll explain. He is…

Are you sure?

That is what freedom is

Come and be a soldier with us

Come and be a soldier with us

THE END