All language subtitles for Showtime.2002.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG2_English

Being a Police officer is not
what you see on television.

I've never had to choose between
the red wire and blue wire.

Never seen a police car
flip over

causing a chain reaction of
other cars to burst into flames.

Never had to jump
from one rooftop to another.

I spent my time investigating
crimes, track down leads,

typing up reports
and sitting in court.

It's difficult, tedious work,
and you're not gonna get rich.

But I've been on the job
for 28 years

and I wouldn't have it
any other way.

I'm a detective.
That's what I do.

If you break the law
in my city,

I'll do all everything
in my power to hunt you down

and put you behind bars.

I won't say
that I succeed every time.

But I try my best to make sure
that if you commit the crime,

you'll do the time.

Are there any questions?

[♪♪♪]

Well, Detective Preston,
why don't you tell us about

the lighter side
of police work? He.

You know. The fun days.

Dammit, captain. I chased him
across three rooftops.

You can't do this!

It's come down
from the mayor's office.

You're a loose cannon.

You destroyed
an entire city block!

Oh. He fired first.
What should I do?

Stop and read him his rights?

You should've called
for backup.

The only backup I have, sir,

is laying in a hospital bed
fighting for his life!

[SIGHS]

His doctor called
five minutes ago.

Jimmy didn't make it.

Oh, God.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, God, no.

No!

He was just talking
about getting out, man.

I know it's hard.

He was like a brother to me,
captain.

Ever since we was kids,
we was partners.

All we used to do
was just hang out together

and dream about
being on the force together.

That was the dream.
Just two little Irish boys

fighting, scrapping, thinking
about making a difference.

God, I'm gonna miss him!

I'll need your gun
and your shield, Pete.

Well, I may be off the force,
but I am not off this case!

That's not in the script.

Oh, yeah. I just threw that
in at the end, you know.

Let my character have
the last line on the scene.

I thought I should
get the last line you know.

Nailed it!
Yes. Yeah.

That it's not over,
you know.

Oh, no, you know, Trey? It was
great. It was very believable.

But I'm not married to it. I'll
do whatever you want me to do.

You can't...
You can't fix perfect.

No, you can't.
We have imaginations. Heh-heh.

Thanks so much.
We'll call you.

TREY:
Oh, thank you.
You got my number.

Yes.
Yeah. Right here.

All right.Moved to tears. Bye-bye.

Take care of you.
You too.

Restroom's
on your left.

Don't give up the day job.Unless, of course, it's acting.

[SHAGGY AND BABYFACE'S
"SHOWTIME" PLAYING]

It's 1L43, clear from code 7.

WOMAN [OVER RADIO]:
Roger, 1L43.
Hope you had a nice lunch.

♪ That's right ♪

♪ Now, you wanna roll
Baby, roll with me, uh! ♪

♪ You wanna rap
Baby, rap with me, uh! ♪

♪ You go, uptown
Downtown, to the city ♪

♪ I got you on your hottie
You'll see, uh! ♪

♪ You got the right
To remain silent ♪

♪ I like your finesse
Your style ♪

♪ I pimp the kind of light
My flashlight ♪

♪ I'm going with a bottle
Of guns, save tonight ♪

♪ It's great, you're the boss
You're the one that says ♪

♪ Show the work
To me ♪

♪ 'Cause is showtime ♪

♪ Show the work to me ♪

[SIREN WAILING]

♪ Show me what you have
For me, that's right ♪

♪ Show how you do that
Move the gangs below ♪

♪ You get it
From right within ♪

♪ 'Cause is showtime ♪

♪ Want to show you
What's in it ♪

♪ Show me what you have
For me ♪

♪ You claim you're the boss
What do others say? ♪

♪ Whoa, show the works
To me ♪

♪ You're the showtime ♪ ♪ Show the work to me ♪

[VIDEOGAME SOUNDS]

TREY:
Come on, come on. Eh, ah, ah!

Getting ready
to break my old score here.

[VIDEOGAME BEAMING]

Yeah.

Ah? Ah.

[LASER BEAMS]

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Gonna break
my old record!

Yeah!

Now I get my grades
in kills.

[GRUNTS]

Ah!

Uh! Just broke it!
Just broke my old score!

I got the top 10 spots now!

How about that? Anybody here
want to take on the Ice Trey?

Way to lay down the law,
Top Cop.

[♪♪♪]

[INDISTINCT VOICES OVER TV]

[RAP MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

How you doing?MAN: What's up?

All right.Hi, there.

MAN 2:
Oh, oh, oh.

Mitchie Mitch! What's up?
How's it going, man? Long time.

How you doing?This is a friend of mine.

Rich guy.

How you doing?Eh, I'm all right.

How about you?Pretty good, pretty good.

[MACHINE BUZZES]

This is 1L43
requesting assistance,

in a possible 211
in progress

at the TV repair shop
on 1st and Santee.

MAN [OVER RADIO]:
This is the Maxis Network
Channel 3 chopper.

We just got a hit
on the police scanner.

Something going down
on 1st and Santee.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

MAN 2:
This is Maxis Mobile One.
We're on our way.

A quick left, quick right.

Uh, uh!

All day.

[MAN LAUGHS]

What's up, babe?
We got ourselves

a couple of big spenders here.Don't bother getting up for us.

You all want to do something?

Yeah, we were wondering if maybe
you'd throw in a free set.

Two free sets.
One for him, one for me.

So what you've got
in the bag?

Let's do it.All right, all right.

It's all here, man.

It's all good?Good to go.

Good. So you show us yours.

Don't look, now.

Touchdown.

Check the batteries
on that metal detector.

Yeah, how about
that, Re?

[CLANGING]

Thirsty, uh?

Tsk. A lifesaver.

Yeah. That's some pretty
high-quality shit.

All right. So we're...
we're on, right?

[HELICOPTER SOUNDS ABOVE THEM]

What the hell is this?

What the hell is going on?Wait. Hey, hey. Hold on.

What is this? Some police shit?What are you saying?

You don't come back here? You
brought the police back here?

Fuck you!Take it easy! Hey.

You take it easy.
Don't tell me to take it easy!

Whoa, whoa.
Don't tell me to shut up.

You better calm
your punk ass down!

Come on, man.
Stop pointing that shit at me!

Come on, come on.

Come on, man. Put that away.You think it's a game?

I'm sorry, listen.Put the gun away.

See, it's gone.
It's gone. Okay?

It's all over.
Let's go. Come on.

Let's just wrap this up, man.

I don't want them coming back
here with this shit.

All right. All right.

What the hell is going on?

Shit, man, we on Channel 5!No, no.

Shoit! I'm gonna blast
these fools!

No, no!

Get down!

[GUNSHOTS]

What the hell was that?
A bazooka?

You shot the wrong brother now,
baby.

Stay with him, I'll find
the guy with the cannon.

You're in trouble, man.Put your hands behind your back.

I'm calling Johnnie Cochran.

I got his number.
You're going down, bitch.

Okay, Trey, showtime.

Stop, police!

Okay, round two, baby.

Freeze! L.A.P.D.!Get out of my way!

Undercover narcotics!

[BOTH YELL AT THE SAME TIME]

Put your hands
above your head!

We got an
officer-involved shooting!

Put your weapon down, right now!What?

Put it down!
Right now! Down!

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]:
Good job, officer!

Hey!

Hey!

Now you can smile
for the camera, Ice Trey.

Hey! Uh, get back here! Get back
over here! You're under arrest!

Hey, come back here!

Turn that shit off!

Turn that shit off!
Turn--

[DOG BARKING]

Out of my way! Police officer!
Out of my way! Out of my way!

[WOMEN SCREAM]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

MAN:
Look out!

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Get that camera out of here!

[MOANS]

[GUNSHOTS]

[MAN MOANING]

Are you okay?Oh. This went through my vest.

We need an R.A. unit.
Get that out of here!

I'm staying with you.

Get the goddamn camera
out of here.

Get that out of here!Hey, I'm just doing my job.

Job?Oh, oh. What are you doing?

Whoa!

Get a real job.

MAN:
Don't worry. Talk to us.

WOMAN:
Give us some information,
something.

[REPORTERS SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY]

Can you make a statement?Yes, do not break

the sanctity
of the police tape, please.

We have a right to be here.You have the right

to keep your monkey ass
on the other side.

WOMAN:
Hey, aren't you the cop who got
busted with his own cuffs?

You think that's funny?

You think a police officer
doing his job is funny?

Let's see how funny it is when I
move this tape back 20 feet.

You can't do that.

MAN:
Hey, this guy is gonna be
a Bloopersclassic.

MAN 2:
Yeah, let's get some B-roll.

Yeah, anybody
come over this tape,

you'll get B-roll of me kicking
your ass back down to Sunset.

Now, get back.MAN: Hey, Detective Preston!

MAN 2: Detective Preston!WOMAN: Detective Preston!

Detective, why did you
shoot the camera?

MAN:
Detective Preston,
are you a loose cannon?

A history of
emotional problems?

MAN:
What happened to you tonight?

[♪♪♪]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

All right, come on, come on.
Give me all you got.

Brad?
BRAD: Hi, Chase. Go.

I've got the show
that's gonna pull

your sorry ass network
out of the ratings toilet.

What, you figured out
how to do public executions?

Meet Mitch Preston.

[SLAMS]

Jezz, you know
I don't read.

Just look at the pictures.
Annie, go.

Get that f---ing thing out
of here! Get it out of here!

[GLASS SHATTERING]

What the hell was that?

"Detective Mitch Preston
obliterates Maxis TV camera."

That's our name.Right.

"Rogue cop
guns down Maxis camera."

We can sue him for that.Exactly.

He's Dirty Harry, he's real
and guess what, Brad,

we've got him
by the balls.

Oh. I see where you're going
with this. A reality show.

But how's it any
different than Cops?

Did you see him?

The guy's
a modern-day cowboy.

He's sexy, he's volatile.

He's a bad boy, and you know
how women love bad boys.

Hell, I'd let him frisk me.

Hell. You like
getting frisked?

Ah. Brad, focus, okay?

Annie, you want to see
it again in slow motion?

No, no. I get
the point. Oh, shit!

What?

I just got outbid for this
A-Teamlunch box on eBay.

Okay, Brad. Ah.

So we've got
this, uh, Mitch Preston?

Exactly, we're with him
24 hours a day.

This guy doesn't make a move
without us watching,

'cause he's gonna blow again,
and when he does,

we're gonna be there.Then what?

If he arrest many crooks

he gets a million dollars?No.

So who gets the prize money?This isn't a game show, Brad.

This is one man,
out there on his own,

kicking ass and taking names.

[SIGHS]

Can we give him a partner?

Yes. Now,
that's a good idea, Brad.

We could give him maybe
a funny-minority type.

Bringing the urban audience.That's great.

That'll get the NAACP
off my back.

Or is it the NCAA?Okay. Do we have a deal or not?

Fine, go make a pilot.No, Brad.

This guy isn't a pilot,
he's a series.

Trust me. I'll stake
my entire reputation on it.

No offense, Chase.
But what reputation?

You still get shit
for faking

that flammable baby pajama
story on Dateline.

You can't tell me the footage
of those things exploding

wasn't good TV.
Are you in or out?

Because I'm pitching
this over Fox in half an hour.

[SIGHS]

Okay, okay. I'll give you
a six-episode commitment.

Yes!

But if it's all sightseeing
trips on a squad car,

and pit stops
at Krispy Kreme,

I' m pulling the plug and
you're out of a job, understand?

We'll all be
out of a job, Brad.

BRAD:
Come on. What do they
teach you in China?

Let's go. Come on.
Bring it on. What you got?

Yes!

Chase, you rocked!We're screwed.

We don't know the first thing
about bloody cop shows.

No worries. There's a show,
there are rules.

Call L.A.P.D.
and get clearances.

And find a cameraman

who can shoot the crap
out of this thing.

Is Julio out of traction yet?I'll call the hospital.

Now, what if our
Dirty Harry says no?

This is America, Annie,
everybody wants to be on TV.

[LAUGHS]

10-36. 10-36. It looks like the
stolen cuffs were an inside job.

Yeah. That's
very funny, guys.

It's very funny.
Very well-written.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[GRUNTS]

What are you reading,
the Jenny Craig newsletter?

FYI, my friend,
a lot of this is muscle.

It's a flyer for some
new reality-TV cop show.

Oh, what?
Yeah.

All right. I got to get down.
I got to be part of this.

I thought you tried
to pass the detective exam.

Look, I'm a cop and I'm
a professional actor too.

This is right out my alley.

Come on, Trey,
your entire career

consists of a couple of lines on
an episode of Diagnosis Murder.

I'm one role away, all I need is
the right role, the right part

and I'll get my big break.

Hey, man, you know
how old Sam Jackson was

when he finally got
his big break? He was 42.

Okay, but he's got, uh,

gosh, what's that thing
called? Uh. Talent.

Hey, but... I got--
I'm talented.

I ain't no Sam Jackson,
but I'm talented.

Yeah, well.

You'll also gonna be partner
with Mitch Preston.

I guess we know who'd wear
the cuffs in that relationship.

Mitch Preston nailed
the other lead in this thing?

Come on, Trey,
the guy's front-page news.

Everybody's talking about him.

Man, I'd blow
his old ass off the screen

every night of the week.

You crazy? Mitch Pres...
Mitch Preston, please!

I said, "Do you wanna take
your feet off the desk?"

[WHISTLES AND LAUGHS]

Get your feet off the desk.
Where's Lazy Boy?

My client's taking the Fifth.
He's the victim here.

Got yourself a pretty pricey
lawyer there, don't you?

Had to sell a lot of TVs
to get that kind of juice.

Who's paying for it?That's privileged information.

Mitch, sorry to interrupt.

The captain needs to see you in
his office when you're done.

He's done now. Come on, ReRun.
This interview is over.

We don't talk, we walk.For now.

Do you want me
to start filming?

Yeah, just everything you see.
Perfect. Great.

Oh, my God.

This place is so depressing.
Jesus, looks like a tomb.

Well,
you wanted reality.

Oh, well,
you know what?

We need a reality change
here. This is hideous.

No, no. I'm not doing it.No choice, no choice.

I'm not doing it.
Let them follow somebody else.

I'm not doing it.

Mitch, they don't want
anyone else.

You're the man of the hour.

All I did was shoot
a God damned video camera.

You made us look
like a bunch of savages.

The network is suing
the Department for $10 million.

What?
Yeah, they say

you could have killed
their cameraman.

You're lucky you're not
being charged with assault.

Yeah, maybe I should
have killed him.

Look, Mitch, the chief
already cut the deal.

You do the show,
and they drop the suit.

What?
Mitch.

That's extortion!
They can't do that.

Look, the Department
can use a good PR hit.

Our community relations
are in the toilet.

You're the best detective
we got.

So, what about
this big gun?

We're not dealing with some
Saturday Night Special.

What am I supposed to do?
Let them follow me around

While I'm trying to track down
the weapon? I mean, come on!

Hey! Look, I...I did
an episode of Copsonce.

You did an episode of Cops?Yeah, Cops.

After five minutes you forget
the camera is even there.

This is real work.
I'm not an actor.

This is ridiculous.
It's bullshit.

Nobody is saying
you can't do your work.

But you screwed up, Mitch.

And now you've got
to play ball. End of story.

[SIGHS]

You'll be reporting to the
show's producer, Chase Renzi.

Chase...? Chase Renzi, right.
Is that a real name?

I'm telling you right now,

I'm not taking orders from some
coked-out Hollywood dickhead.

Not in a million years.
That...that I won't do.

Ha. Well, that's good, Mitch.
Because she doesn't have a dick.

Hey, go check her out
for yourself.

Really, she's right outside,
waiting for you.

[♪♪♪]

Well. Better looking
than I thought.

We gotta bring in some color,
bring in some light.

Get this-- Do you think
these windows move?

My God.

Oh. Detective Preston,
hi.

Okay, I can see you're busy.

Hm, no problem.
We'll talk tomorrow.

He's not
very friendly.

Okay, find out where he eats.
Make a reservation for two.

[MUSIC IN SPANISH
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[BELL RINGS]

Here you go, cover boy.Thanks.

Detective Preston,
Chase Renzi.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

[BELL RINGS]

How you doing?

Good. I see you've
already ordered.

Just make this quick, 'cause
I have a lot of work to do.

What can I get you?

Oh. Same as him. A cheeseburger,
rare, fries and a Coke.

Diet?
Regular.

So, Detective Preston.
Can I call you Mitch?

Well... Why don't I
just, uh, you know,

launch into a few questions
here, basic, basic questions,

and kind of find out
what makes you tick.

I don't tick.

Ah. Sure you do, Mitch.
Everybody ticks.

Not me.

Okay, well, you wanna tell me
a little bit about yourself?

You have a girlfriend,
a wife?

Ex-wife.
Ex-wife.

Hm, was it
a painful divorce?

No, look, I only ask
because I was divorced myself,

and I know how
difficult it can be.

I mean, did you drink?

Lady, let's get
something very clear,

the only reason I'm here
is because

my captain made me come here.
I had no other choice.

I have no interest in you,

your stupid questions
or your silly show.

Mitch, not only do I
understand your resistance,

I appreciate it.

Oh, you do, huh? Good.

Believe me, I'm not into making
the same old bullshit cop show

we've seen
a million times.

That's why I believe if
you and I are honest and open

with each other, we could do
something very special here.

[BELL RINGS]

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

I'm talking about
reality, Mitch.

There you go.Thank you a lot.

About letting the world find out
who Mitch Preston really is.

Look, I know
what you're looking for,

you're looking
for some loose cannon,

cop-on-the-edge,
Serpicobullshit.

Now I'm telling you, right now,
you're wasting your time.

See that anger, Mitch?

It's working for you.

The audience is gonna connect
with that in a major way.

I'm out of here.

I'm gonna call you later so we
can discuss your new partner.

Want that in a doggy bag?

No. Thanks, though.
It was delicious.

So how did it go?
Is he totally intense?

Ah, Annie, I'm gonna need
some cherry Tums, very quickly.

What's the deal? Is he
psyched about the show?

Well, this might be a little
more difficult than I thought.

[♪♪♪]

Hey!You son of a bitch!

ANNIE:
Hey! Please!

[SIREN WAILING]

Freeze! L.A.P.D.!

[GRUNTS]

[GROWLS]

[GROWLS][MOANS]

Wait, wait! Wait!

[SCREAMS]

Hey!

Ow!

[CLANGING]

Bad idea, scumbag.

I only got two things on me
bigger than my mouth.

And one of them is pointed
at your head right now.

Oh, you want to do
this shit the hard way, uh?

Come on, bitch!I'll stick you, pig!

I'll take your core!

[GROANS AND MOANS]

Oh! Ah.

All right, officer.
You nice with yours.

Yeah, you damn right.

And if any of your punk
ass boys want to know

who put the smack down on you,
my badge number is 38723.

I go by the name
of Trey Sellars, patrolman.

[THIEF MOANS]

I believe this belongs
to you, ma'am.

Officer. Chase Renzi.
That was incredible.

I'm just
doing my job, ma'am.

just like the badge says,
protecting and serving.

Ow! Why don't you get
this psycho off me?

Hey. What's with all
the Superfly shit?

I got the situation in hand.

Top Cop, how you doing?Get off of me.

What are you doing, Preston?
You don't have to do this.

I got this is my collar.Police Procedures 101.

Never turn your back on
a suspect who's not cuffed.

The guy could've
reached for a gun.

I ain't got
no damned gun.

Trey, I think you broke one
of my ribs, man.

Tell this guy
to get this cuffs off.

I cant' do cuffs. I told you
I can't do handcuffs.

Get this handcuffs off me.Hey, Hey. Behave! Quiet!

You have the right
to remain silent!

Do you know each other?No, we don't know each other.

I've never seen him
before in my life.

He's just another
street criminal.

That's bullshit.
Me and this clown

took a stage combat class
together last fall.

Oh, that's a nice try, pal.
That's a nice try.

He's just
a faceless perv out here

trying to weasel
his way out of the crime.

That's what he's doing.Yeah. He looks

like a real menace
to society.

All right. Which one
of you wants to explain?

I'll tell you what happened.
Trey said he'd give me $50

if I snatched that lady's purse
and take off running.

Then he'd pull up
in his police car, jump out,

roll over the hood,
chase me up a fence,

bring me down, beat me down,
whoop my ass, kick me around--

Okay. All right,
all right. Okay.

Okay. I set the whole thing up.
It was a big setup. I kinda--

[SIGHS]

I set it up,
I set the whole thing up

to make it look like I was...
I was auditioning, you know,

I want to stand out,
I'm trying to get this part.

What part?Oh. Your new partner, Mitch.

We've been interviewing
all morning.

Oh, yeah? Well, It's not
gonna be this moron.

I'll report you to Internal
Affairs for impersonating a cop.

Ow!

You know what? You've got to
put a lock on that "moron" shit.

What's your problem?
Why you take everything

so damn seriously?

You should be protecting
the streets,

not phoney staging crimes.

Someone could've got hurt.Exactly, like me.

I should learn
about police work

from a guy who put a bullet
hole to news camera?

You got the part already.Get them on video.

I'm just trying to do
a little acting,

spruce it up, that's all.I guess that's not different

from what you normally
do on the job, uh?

You better watch your mouth.

What are you gonna do, Top Cop?
Wrap me up in caution tape?

Uh...

No, I ain't gonna wrap you up
in caution tape.

No, I'm not gonna do that.

But I'll tell you
what, punk,

I might whip your ass all up
and down in the parking lot.

Do me a favor,
go work on your

Starsky and Hutchroutine on
your own time, all right?

Yeah, you better walk off.

I was getting ready to slap you
in your mouth in a second.

This guy's a disgrace
to the badge.

So you'd never work
with him?

No in a million years,
never.

[♪♪♪]

I think we have
pretty good chemistry.

Riveting.
Really?

Amazing.Really?

Oh.
Yeah.
All right.

Well, thank you. All right.Yeah.

The guy's a joke. There's no way
I'll work with this guy.

No God damned way,
captain.

Look, I...I don't want to hear
it, Mitch. Shit, come on.

[SLAMS MACHINE]

Thanks.

I'm... I--

You're doing this, Mitch.
That's an order.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

MAN [OVER TV]:
Trapped in the jaws of death,
he struggled.

[CHUCKLES]

You'll never see
no brothers down there

messing with no sharks.Oh.

[PHONE RINGS]

Never.

...manage to push back...

LAZY:
So you don't?

MAN 2:
I was on my way to the circus,
uh, looking down...

Hello?

[♪♪♪]

I saw you on TV the other night,
shooting up the neighborhood.

Uh, hey. What...
What's going on, Vargas?

I was trying
to call you, dog.

Oh, yeah?

I got three cell phones, call
waiting, e-mail, voice mail

and I haven't heard una chingada
from your sorry ass.

Oh, no.
It ain't like that, dog.

You know, I'm just
trying to lay low

till like, you know,
everything dies down.

It got crazy out there.

And did I give you permission
to use my gun?

VARGAS:
You know, Lazy Boy,
I trusted you.

And you let me down.

And now you put
my entire shipment at risk.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

You used that gun
without my permission.

We don't want that getting
into the wrong hands, do we now?

[♪♪♪]

No, no. I was just
borrowing it, you know.

Just testing it out,
you know?

And how did it work?It...it worked real good.

I...I got it right here.

So we cool, right?

Yeah. We cool.Yeah, I'm sorry about all that.

Don't worry.
We cool, Lazy Boy. Okay?

We're cool, okay?A...all right.

You two have
a nice night. Okay?

All right.

[DOOR OPENS]

What the hell was
that all about?

[♪♪♪]

What the hell?

My--Lazy Boy, what's that?

Stop playing this shit, man.Lazy Boy, what's that?

Lexi, get down!

[SCREAMS]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[♪♪♪]

[SIREN WAILING]

Freeze! L.A.P.D.

What am I supposed to do?

Cut, cut, cut,
cut. Cut.

Let's...

Let's, uh, do it again.

Freeze! L.A.P.D.

Is that how he's
gonna do it?

Hey I'm...
I'm laying my shit out.

Look. Freeze! L.A.P.D.
That shit is right. Perfect.

Okay, ready?

Patrolling your neighborhood
at Friday.

Friday night at 8. 8.

Patrolling your neighborhood
every Friday at 8.

Yeah, good, and...and...
and be happy.

Why should I be happy?
I'm patrolling the neighborhood.

Well, you're happy
because you're patrolling.

Keeping it safe,
Mitch.

Patrolling your neighborhood
every Friday at night.

Every Friday night at 8.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

This guy is the worst actor
I have ever seen.

[♪♪♪]

Get out.MAN: Wait a minute, wait.

Hold, hold it, cut, cut.
Mitch, come on, God.

You can't just
toss a cameraman aside.

Look, I...I...
Give...give me a pad, okay?

I'll show you how a TV cop comes
through the door, all right?

Put the door, fly...
The doors fly open.

You put your shoulder
and put it off.

They fly open. You burst in.
You scan the room for criminals.

You do the turn, right?
You toss yourself around.

And now! You're set and--
But the trick is

you don't turn your head
too far from camera, see?

Otherwise we lose your face,
that little lady is your lover.

If you don't respect her,
she won't respect you.

Gotta know
where she is at all times.

Well, right now
she's on my way.

Preston, what's your problem?

You're getting camera tips
from T.J. Hooker.

Which by the way, is the most
underrated police show

in the history of police shows.

Nobody came through
a door like you.

Thank you,
Detective Sellars.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
This guy is no detective.

I'm a detective. I'm playing
a detective on the show.

I'm playing detective.All right. All right, guys.

I'm playing a detective.Okay! Okay.

Let's go do
some hood-jumping.

What's that?

What does it sound like,
"hood-jumping"?

We're gonna jump over hoods.

Sounds like something
you'd know.

Freeze!

[♪♪♪]

That was great, Trey.
Beautiful played.

Okay. That was really great.

All right.
Okay, Mitch. Come here.

I'm not going
on the hood of a car.

What are you talking?Forget it.

Hey, I entertained viewers all
over the world in the '80s,

jumping on car hoods.

One of the greatest weapons
on the a TV cop's arsenal.

Here. I'll show you.

Now look.
You gotta stop them, see?

Halt!
And you throw your body. Halt!

You're okay there, T.J.?

[♪♪♪]

Moving on.

Who stole the money?

Deep in thought.

Now the eyebrows arch,
ever so slightly.

And Hooker solves
another case.
Ah.

Okay? All right, Trey, you
try it. Go ahead. Ready?

Okay.
You're ready?

Yeah.Get loose now. Loosen up.

Loosen up. Are you ready?Okay. Yeah.

Trey, who stole
the money?

That's good, man.
You nailed it, first take.

Give me five. Give me
five. That was good!

Okay, Mitch. Come on,
show me some magic.

Come on, Mitch.

Mitch, who stole
the money?

Look at that, Trey.
Look at that.

Look at the anger in
his eyes. Look at that.

See that slight squint says,
"Hey, I'm Mitch. I'm the man.

Don't mess with me."

Okay. Let's taste
some drugs.

Hooker's got a bag of
white powder in his hand.

[SNAPS]

Spears it open
with a pocketknife.

Ah.

Takes his little pinkie

in the powder.

And he touches it,
gently, on his tongue.

Watch the eyebrows.

Hooker knows
it's cocaine.

Ah.

What if it's cyanide?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello? Hold on.

Ah. There's a reason real cops
don't taste drugs, Bill.

Never mind that shit.
It's never cyanide.

Show me the thing you do
with your eyebrow again.

Uhu, okay. Okay, I'm on my way.It's tricky.

Where are you going?

I gotta wash this shit
out of my hair.

And I've gotta change
my clothes.

Hey, come on. Please.Do we have some action?

We have some action,
finally.

[PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]

Beep, beep!Hey, Mitch.

What'd you do to my car?

We outfitted it
with micro cameras.

There's one
on the steering wheel,

another on
the glove compartment

and a crook-cam
in the back seat.

Just pretend
they're not even there.

Just pretend
they're not even there?

See? You're catching
on already.

We'll, uh, be right
behind you in the van.

You'll be
right behind me?

[SIGHS]

What are you doing?

what do you mean, what am
I doing? I'm on the case here.

I'm your partner.
We're together, right?

[SCOFFS]

Unbelievable.

[STARTS ENGINE]

What's the mean face for?

Okay, listen to me.
Don't speak, just listen.

We're gonna be partners
for the next couple of weeks.

There's a few things
I need to tell you.

First of all, you gotta know
that I got your back covered

and I gotta know
you got mine covered, okay?

No doubt.

When the shift is over,
it's a different story.

But when we're
out there on the job,

you're the only person in the
world that I can depend on.

Not friends, not my family,
not anybody, just you.

You got that?
Yeah.

That's the most
important thing.

There's no other way
to look at it.

And it's gotta start
right now.

Hey, but you know, Mitch?

Ever since I was 8 years old,
I wanted to be a cop.

You know, I wanted
to be on the force,

just like my big Uncle Reggie,
he was on the force.

He was the first in the family
to be on the force. Big muscles.

Uncle Reggie.

He used to come by
after work

and let me ride around
in the squad car with him.

Once he let me play with the
siren. From that moment on

I knew I was gonna be a cop.

Uncle Reggie.

Yeah.

My uncle--

[SOBS]

Uncle Reggie passed away
about two years ago.

He got caught in the line
of some fire.

Didn't slow me down, no.

I always remember
how he set me on my way.

I know that someway
he's looking down on me

from a big precinct
in the sky. He's thinking,

"You've done all right, Trey.
You've done all right by me."

What the fuck does that
got to do with anything?

Hey, man. You got a speech,
so I get a speech too.

That wasn't a speech,
I don't know what--

You made a speech, all that
shit about "I'm your partner."

That was a speech.

You burned up 90 seconds of air
time. Chase, that was a speech.

Well, do me a favor. When
we get to the crime scene,

just stay out of my way and
keep your mouth shout, okay?

This isn't any studio bullshit.
This is the real deal.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Put your God damned camera
out of here.

Hey. Hey,
watch the camera, buddy.

Julio has to shoot. Do you
know that? That's the show.

He's done everything from
Dessert Storm to Jerry Springer.

That's right. Yeah, whatever
you guys need, I'm there.

If I get shot, stabbed,
well, it's cool.

Whatever. I'm just trying
to get some good footage.

He gives you any trouble,

you just remember three
words: Go to Trey.

Go to Trey.

I'm Trey.
All right. Julio.

You worked on Springer?

Yeah. Springer,
Girls Gone Wild.

Get that camera out of here.

That's all right, Gina. They're
with me. Who's in the bag?

We don't know yet.

Whoever shot this guy
wasn't too concerned

about an open casket.

Hey, Mitch. You're thinking
what I'm thinking?

I seriously doubt it.

Well, I'm thinking that there's
a passé of dirty cops

on the streets,
cleaning the streets up

on they own dirty
little terms, partner.

Well, what I'm thinking,

this is payback
for a drug deal gone sour.

Whoever this guy worked
for got pissed off

and cleaned the house.

That's even better.
This is a classic

bad guy retribution scenario.
That's perfect.

Good thinking, partner.
Good thinking.

Tell them, I think I can
identify one of the victims.

[POLICEMEN TALKING
INDISTINCTLY]

MAN:
Those are 12-gauge,
armor-piercing

depleted uranium shells.

Charlie.
Hey, Mitchell.

I found high explosive

and incendiary rounds
scattered around the area too.

Uh. Looks like
the same gun

that put those holes
in your TV repair shop.

The weapon appears to be
hand-held, fully automatic,

with interchangeable
magazines.

Which is somewhat troubling,

because technically,
this gun doesn't exist.

What do you mean
it doesn't exist?

On my business this gun is
like the 50-foot shark.

Speak English, Charlie.

It's the one that everybody
knows it's out there,

but that nobody
has ever seen.

Any idea who made it?

[♪♪♪]

Uhm. It's a custom job.

Hm. My guess is, it's somewhere
out of Eastern Europe.

Thanks, Charlie.
Keep your eyes open.

You bet.

What are you doing?Take it easy. Take it easy.

You're not supposed
to be touching anything.

I didn't touched anything.
I turned it over with my foot.

Well, you let me know
when you touch--

I don't have-- Look, I'm a cop,
I don't have to let you know--

What's going on?

Your partner is contaminating
my crime scene.

I didn't contaminate. I'm doing
a last minute sweep of the area.

Because you never know

where that crucial bit
of evidence may be hiding.

Like this, for instance.

How about this?

Did anybody think to pull some
prints off this water bottle?

There could be prints
all over this.

Can I get an evidence bag,
please? For this bottle.

You mind putting down
my water?

I'm not finished
drinking it yet.

[♪♪♪]

Don't look at me like that.
That's an honest mistake.

You got your water all down
there amongst potential evidence

so I thought it was,
you know, something from the--

Hey, T.J., why don't you
go out your eyebrow

and go solve the case
somewhere else, okay?

You don't tell me what to do,
I'm your partner!

You're not my partner,
I partner with real cops.

Just get me a copy of that
report when it's done, okay?

All right, Mitch.

Well, I...I am your partner,
so you better accept that.

I am your partner!

I am your partner!

[♪♪♪]

I'm trying to develop
a report with this guy,

but he won't open up to me.

You know how hard it is to work
with somebody like that?

I know. I know, Trey,
Mitch has been

a lot more resistant
than I'd hoped for.

You know what, Trey?
I think that you and Mitch

need some bonding time
away from the job.

You're right. We do.

We need to spend
some QT time together.

Just two guys hanging out,
have some beers you know.

Guy time. I'm gonna call him to
see if he wants to hang out.

You know what? Let's not call
him. Let's just go over.

Just show up at his house?Surprise him.

Hmm.

Hey!

Oh. What the hell
are you doing here?

Hey, now listen,
how hard is it for you to say,

"Hi, Trey, nice to see you"?

Hi, Trey. Nice to see you.

What the hell
are you doing here?

I figured we got off on
the wrong foot the other day,

so I got some Chinese food.

We can, you know, eat the food
get to know each other

and kind of bond
a little bit.

Bond?
Yeah.

How'd you get my address?

CHASE:
Whoo-hoo.

Hi, Mitch.
Oh, shit.

Yeah.
Hi.
I gave it to him.

Are you gonna invite us in,
Mitch? Don't be rude, man.

Do I have to?

Hey, come on, now.
You got us

out in the hallway
like the Jehovah's Witness.

Can we come in,
please?

I gotta see where
my star cop lives.

Let's come in.
Come on, Mitch.

TREY:
Come on, Mitch, be a--

CHASE: Oh, my God.TREY: Oh! Mitch!

This--
TREY: Yes.

It's nice.
Wow.

Got a little smell
to it though.

Not a... not a stinky smell,
but an odd one.

What is that smell?

Is this...this here
your actual living area?

This is my Batcave.

There's a tunnel
in the garage

that leads to my mansion
in Beverly Hills.

[CHUCKLES]

Why? What's the problem?

Well, our research tells us

that buddy cops usually live
in visually distinctive places.

You know, like a trailer on
the beach or a loft downtown.

That kind of thing.

I see, your research
shows that, huh?

So where does he live?

Oh, I rent a guesthouse
from a producer

in Hollywood Hills,
it's beautiful.

Kind of gives off
a Magnumvibe, am I right?

Totally.Yeah. It's very unique.

But you know what, Mitch?
We can make this work.

Hey, Mitch, did a crackhead
make this cup?

What? It's not visually
exciting enough?

No. It's just--

Hm, look, Mitch,
the point of the show

is to let the audience in on
all aspects of your life, right?

so when they come home
with you, want to spend time

in a place that speaks
to your personality.

This does speak
to my personality.

[♪♪♪]

CHASE:
Ah. Mitch, I...I think you need
some time away from the job.

TREY:
I think I just found
the crackhead's workshop.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey.
Hey, don't go in there.

This is what you smell all over
the place, is this stuff.

Oh, wow!
Yeah.

A pottery studio!This is very distinctive.

Mitch, you're full
of surprises.

How long you been
doing this?

Six years, give or take.

You been doing this
for six years, uh?

You really got a knack for it.

All right, everybody out.
Come on. This room's off-limits.

It's not gonna be on the show.Okay, Mitch. Ahem.

Yeah, Mitch.
Listen, you know,

we haven't done
any bonding at all yet.

Yeah, bond with yourself,
I got work to do.

Come on, let's go.
Let's go.

MITCH:
Hey!

Hey! Hey!

[JUNIOR WELL'S "SNATCH IT BACK
AND HOLD IT" PLAYING]

Oh.

♪ Somebody help me ♪

♪ I can't help myself ♪

♪ Somebody got to help me ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't
Help myself ♪

♪ I'm not doing too bad
Baby ♪

♪ You know I ain't got
No brand new bag ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Check this out.
Uh.

Must be some
Hollywood dickhead.

Yeah.

♪ Somebody help me ♪

♪ Somebody help me ♪

♪ Somebody... ♪

[JAMES BROWN'S "I GOT YOU
[I FEEL GOOD]" PLAYING ]

♪ I knew that I would, now ♪

♪ I feel good ♪

♪ I knew that I would, now ♪

♪ So good ♪

♪ So good ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ So good ♪

♪ So good ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ So good ♪

♪ So good ♪

♪ I got you ♪

[ENGINE ROARS]

♪ Hey ♪

Not bad
for a sidekick, huh?

Yeah. You know, a real cop
never slides across the hood.

Why? 'Cause it's not
police procedure?

No, because your holster
scratches up the paint job.

[♪♪♪]

Nice.

They can buff
that shit out.

And incidentally,
I'm trying to make detective.

You take the exam?And I failed it twice.

What makes you think you
won't fail it a third time?

Well, the first two times
I won't working

with the great
Mitch Preston.

I figured you could give me some
points on the detective front

and I'll give you some tips
on how to look better on camera.

Tips like what?You like to wear

a lot of plaids and checks,
like fishermen clothes.

That's ugly shit.
You should wear solids.

You look slimmer on camera.

I'll keep that in mind.Yeah, you got any tips for me?

Feel free, don't be shy.

Yeah, here's a tip. Stay out
of my way and I won't shoot you.

[♪♪♪]

What the hell
is going on here?

♪ Welcome ♪

to America's window
on your world.

What is this?

We just made your workspace
a bit more camera friendly.

My work space?
Yeah.

I mean, I think it perfectly
captures the reality

of an inner-city
precinct, don't you?

Yeah. Is this where you do
the makeup in here, over here?

Oh, no. This is really good,
Trey. You have to see this.

Mitch, come here,
you have to see this.

Look at your desk. It's
so beautiful in there, uh?

TREY:
Hey, is this my desk?

That's your desk.
And that's your desk, Mitch.

Just as it was. We just lift
it up, and didn't change it.

But this is a confessional.
All right?

Now look, you guys can talk
about anything you want.

You can talk about the job,
you know, each other,

your sex lives. I mean,
only if you want to.

Direct to camera.

No, thanks.

Maybe you could fit
a pottery wheel in there.

CHASE:
Ah. Look, Mitch,

this is an integral
part of the show, okay?

I mean, you're
contractually obligated

to spend at least five minutes
a day in here.

We've provided you
with a chair.

All you have to do
is sit and share.

Share?

Learn how to turn on
your heart light.

Exactly.Chase!

Um, listen, I talked to Brad,
he loves the promo footage.

But he thinks the guys need
a catch phrase.

I got one. "I wish I was dead."

You guys need a catch phrase?
I got the perfect thing.

When I'm about to make a bust--When did you ever make a bust?

Don't tell me.

When I'm about to make a bust,
to get in the moment,

I take three deep breaths
and say to myself,

"Okay, Trey, it's showtime!"

You say that?That's stupid.

What's stupid about that?You know what?

Don't say it, please.
Don't say it.

No, I have to say it, Mitch.
"Showtime." It's amazing.

That could be the name
of our show!

See? It's not stupid.
It's perfect.

Say it again for the camera.

I want you to do it again with
the breathing and everything.

Oh, my God,
you're a natural.

[EXHALING]

It's showtime!

Hey, this is Harley Barley
at KXO taking calls

from fans of the new hit series
Showtime.

Let's go to Pete from Idaho.
You're on the air, Pete.

Yeah, um, I wanted to say
to Mitch, I know how you feel.

I mean, I got a lot of anger
inside me too.

Sometimes I want to take my gun
and blow everybody away!

Thank you, Pete. You sure
you're not calling from Waco?

Let's go to line three.
Mandy, you're on the line.

Oh, I just love me
someShowtime.

I'm your biggest fan. Trey
is so fine with that mustache.

I could ride that.What?

Thank you, Mandy.

I'm onShowtime. What's up?

Trey! Marry me, Trey!

Marry me, Trey!

I'm gonna be honest, you know.

It's natural, when you're in
a situation that's shitty

that you're gonna start
to think about

what it might be like
to have a different partner.

Like somebody that was
closer to your age.

Charismatic, with a little
flair and shit.

You kicking it with him,
have some fun.

Me and a Wesley Snipes type.
I know you won't get Wesley.

I see Wesley Snipes types
all the time.

Me and a Wesley Snipes type?

Can you imagine?

Wesley Snipes type?

Do you feel lucky, punk?
Huh? Do you?

Basically, what I'm saying
is the whole show

is slowed down
just a half a beat--

I'm too old for this shit.

--so Mitch can keep up.

Because I'm working out.
I run the treadmill.

I do free-weights.

Go ahead. Make my day.

I'm taking care of mine.
Mitch is not.

That's it. I'm taking care
of mine and Mitch is not.

Trey, look at this.
It's all for you.

Trey, I'm right here. Yo, Trey.

Five minutes up yet?

It's showtime!

What are you looking
at that for, Magnum?

I'm wondering how come we're not
talking to this guy?

Because he's sitting in county.

A jailhouse setting. Now,
that could be the next episode.

Oh, no. Forget it.
I'm the one who put him there.

He's the only person who's gonna
tell us about this gun.

You're not listening. He won't
talk to me. I already tried.

Maybe he'll talk to me.

Wearing a badge, what makes you
think he'll talk to you?

Won't go in with a badge. Won't
go in like a bulldog like you.

I'll talk. I'll be in character.In character!

That's great. That's a great
idea. You mean, like undercover?

Undercover. A little finesse,
catch him off guard,

have him think
I'm somebody else.

Character.
What kind of a character?

I don't know.
I'll come up with something.

ReRun! How you doing, my man?
Thanks for giving is the time.

How are you? I'm Trey Sellars
from the Justice Channel.

Nice to meet you. Have a seat,
please. You being strong?

Yeah.

Thanks for coming down.
You all right?

I ain't heard
of no Justice Channel.

That's because we got started

while you was rotting away
in here.

The Justice Channel is devoted
to shining the light

on helpless,
innocent victims like you.

He's got talent, Mitch, come on.
He just needs direction.

Telling you,
we're wasting our time.

Is that a new shirt?

It looks good.
I like you in solids.

What's all this shit about you
getting me out?

Not me, brother,
the TV show.

I'm hosting a show,
that's why you got cameras.

I'm hosting a show
called Framed.

Let me tell you about the show.
We spotlight you.

Put a light on your situation.
Let the people see you.

Hopefully, we get a grassroot
campaign started

and get you out.

I got three people out.
We want you to be number four.

Like Mandela.Similar. You ain't as noble.

I read your files. You ain't
no Nelson. You're ReRun.

But you your own man.
We want to get ReRun out.

Mandela's shit stink too.

Trey, it's Mitch,
I'm gonna talk you through this.

Not so loud.Say what?

I wasn't that loud.

You don't have to talk too loud.

Shouldn't my lawyer be here?

That's the wrong thing you can
do. Let me explain something.

Research has shown people
don't want to hear lawyers.

They want to hear it
straight from your mouth.

But I got Johnnie Cochran.
No offense, bro.

Not offended. Cochran will get a
response I'm not trying to get.

I'm trying to get people
to connect with you.

If they see Johnnie Cochran
in a $1000 suit

they ain't going to get you
out of prison.

Ain't no cops here. Just me
and you. Brother to brother.

Brother to brother.I'm your brother.

Okay, take it slow.
Nice and easy. Nice and slow.

He's still on the fence.

All right! You and Lazy Boy
got this gun from somebody!

You work for the same person!
Who you working for?

Lazy Boy? What the hell, man?
What kind of reporter are you?

I don't tiptoe around the truth!Back off.

And I will not back off
until I find out the truth!

Brother, look at me.

They selling your black ass
down the river.

You can say "ass" on TV?

This is cable.
I can say whatever I want to.

Did they tell you
plea-bargain?

Take the hit,
do the time?

That's what was said,
isn't it?

Yeah,
that's what they said.

Now let's see
if you can get a name.

It's time, ReRun.

It is time to shine the light
on who's really behind this.

Who's the puppet master?

Whose time are you doing?

While you're in here, he's out
on the street smelling freedom.

And tasting it.What you smell?

Ass.

Ass and feet,
and tension and stress.

Hey. Hey, brother,
that ain't for you.

Look in that camera.
Look in that camera right now.

Make a connection.
Look right into the lens.

Say who it is that's supposed
to be in here instead of you.

Let the people know.
Let them get involved.

Look in the camera and say it.
I'm with you.

I'm right here with you.

All the people out there
in TV land,

and Mama,
I'm coming home soon.

Your baby be home soon,
Mama.

Be home soon.Yes.

The man-- The culprit--

You'll see Mama soon.

--that took me out of college

and put me on the streets
to do his dirty work,

that's shitting on my freedom--

Tell them.

--is none other--

I'm sorry.
This is an emotional moment.

I get caught up when I know
a brother is ready to leave.

I love that.
Go on, tell them, brother.

--than Vargas!

Caesar Vargas!

He said it!

Hope you're watching, bitch.
Shit.

That's right. You did
the right thing, brother.

Find out where he is.

You going down, baby.

You made a connection.
I can feel that. I can tell.

When the people see this,
they'll get rallied up.

I can tell.

Now, where would a guy like
Vargas, where would he kick it?

You trying to get
a brother killed--

Not at all. You're taking
this the wrong way.

I do this for the viewers.
We don't point fingers.

We'll say, "If you don't want
to run into Vargas

don't go to this place. He might
be in a place like this."

Hanging out with him,
you wind up in this place.

That's how you got up here.
All right then.

Look to the camera.
Think about the people.

Think about the babies,
the children.

Save the babies, brother.

People

and children in TV land

and all the little kids
around the world,

don't be like me.

And if you want to stay
out of harm's way...

don't go to Club Cuba Loca
on Figueroa. Don't go there.

It's a bad place. Don't go.

He's just lucky.

Don't go there.

Brother, you did the right
thing. Don't you feel good?

We connected.A weight off my shoulders.

You going down, bitch.
I got backup now.

Hey, that's a wrap.

Yeah! Come on, Mitch.

Now it's time for us
to get down to my story.

Talk about where I'm from,
my humble beginnings.

I was born in a corn field,
Grandma was a stripper--

Save all that for when you do
The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Yo. Hey, Mitch,
we going to the club tonight.

Now what?

Watch me.

Is the mike on?
Can you turn the mike up?

Sorry to bother everybody, but,
uh, I'm looking for Mr. Vargas.

Is Mr. Vargas here?

Anybody know where
Mr. Vargas is? Mr. Vargas?

There's Mr. Vargas. Thank you.
See how easy that was?

Don't even get up,
we'll come over there to you.

Sorry. Go on back

to living la vida loca.

Sorry,
I always wanted to do that.

Be right with you, Mr. Vargas.

Interesting approach.

Just doing my part.
He's over this way.

That button-cam was a good idea.Yeah, I told you.

Mr. Vargas?
Yes.

I'm Detective Preston,
L.A.P.D.

I'd like to ask you
some questions.

I am in the middle
of dinner.

Well, I hope this doesn't ruin
your appetite.

I got a strong stomach.

Who's he?

One of your employees.
You know that.

I own a club,
a lot of people work for me.

But I don't know this guy.

And what about this guy?

What's his name?

He's big,

probably big enough
to go through

those bulletproof vests
you guys wear.

Am I right?

TREY:
Bulletproof vest, huh?

And you are?

You can't miss me. I'm across
the street on the billboard,

40 feet high.

You are the TV cops.

Right.

What's your line again?

"It's showtime!"

It's showtime!

I told you
it was a good line.

You'll see how funny this is
once we make some arrests.

And then what?

What will you do?
Try me in The People's Court?

We're gonna be watching
your punk ass 24-7, slick.

Are you going
to arrest me?

Because if you're not,
get out.

Or I have to call the real cops.

Hey, we are the real cops.Sure you are.

You don't think we're real cops?I think you're a joke.

It's all right.
He cannot touch me.

Not this time, but next time

I'll drag you
out of here in cuffs.

You see, I told you.

They are a joke.

Right?

It's a joke.
It's a Showtimejoke.

Showtime.

That's great TV!

You realize we can take this car
up to Sunset Boulevard

and meet some girls who wouldn't
normally look at us.

Yeah, I'll pass.

What's your rush? You gotta go
whip up some dinner plates?

Why don't you--?
Why don't you stop the car?

All right, all right, all right.
I'll leave you alone.

MITCH:
What's this,
your picture and résumé?

TREY:
Oh, yeah,
those are my 8-by-10s.

Put that back.

I just want to look at it.

All these special skills
must come in handy, huh?

I've never--

Never met a...

mime. Is that it? Mime?

Yeah, I'm a mime.
I mime.

I'm curious about these movies:
Beach Party Bonzo?

Yes,
it's a semi-independent film.

Very low-budget,
semi-independent.

Planet Gorthon, 31 A.D.?

Kind of light porn, but I don't
even want to go into it.

What's all this? You try out
for the Village People?

Be careful, I'm thinking about
adding pottery to that list.

Don't knock pottery.

Of all the things a grown man
can do at the end of the day,

why would somebody come home
and throw a pot?

If I tell you,
will you drop the subject?

Please tell me.
I'm dying of curiosity.

My marriage counselor's idea.
My ex and I were on the rocks.

He said take up a hobby.

And that's it?
That's it.

Why are you so crappy at it?

It's like you and work. I never
took it that seriously.

Can I ask you something?Yeah.

Why'd you become a cop,
anyway?

Because I was
a shitty waiter.

You mean you were
a better mime?

Yes, I was an excellent mime.
Still am.

Would you like to see
some of my miming skills?

I got the car. Don't worry.

[MUMBLING]
See? Now my face
is against the glass.

You can mime words too.
Look, watch.

[MOUTHING] Fuck you.Okay.

I'm impressed.

There's a glass wall here.

Thanks for the ride.

It was good, we got a chance
to bond, don't you think?

No. Not really.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

I never leave my lights on.

Surprise!

What did you do?

You don't like it?No, I don't like it.

We should call Don Johnson, tell
him we found his apartment.

I don't know what you were
thinking. I want it back. Now!

Okay, Mitch.
Just relax, okay?

We didn't touch the pottery.
We're giving you sex appeal.

Sex appeal? It looks like
a gay porno star lives here.

Yeah, and here they are,
right here.

Okay, you know what,
Trey? Just stop.

You just can't change the place
without my permission.

You don't have the right to do
this. Get this dog out of here.

Uh, Powder's not mine,
he's yours.

Mine? I don't want some dog.
What is this?

He used to be a drug sniffer
in the K-9 unit.

Yeah,
he looks like a drug addict.

We brought him to make you
more sympathetic.

An entire kennel is not
gonna make him look sympathetic.

You want me to be sympathetic?
Put my all my old stuff back.

Then I'll be real sympathetic.
Until then, I won't be.

How can you say no to that face,
Mitch?

I can say no very easily.
No, Powder. Get out.

Hey, don't be like that.
It's just a dog, man.

Come here, Powder.
You're a good boy, aren't you?

[BARKING]Shit!

Shit.

Hey, maybe Mitch is right.
Maybe get rid of the dog.

I don't know.
I like his instincts.

Watch your ass, Powder.

Okay. Move it.

Jesus. Dispatch,
this is Armor 323--

Go! Go!

Go.

[DISPATCHER SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO]

TREY:
This isShowtime One.
We're on it.

Okay.

Okay, Annie, get the dish up.
Julio, go!

That's definitely our gun.

Watch it!

Hey! Hey!

MAN: Let's go!Move it!

Whoa!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Damn! We lost picture!

Slow down!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Whoa!

[CRIES OUT]

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[CRIES OUT]

[GRUNTING]

Yo! There he is!

Hey, I got him.
I got him.

Whoa!

Incoming!

Watch it! Watch it!

[HONKS HORN]

You getting this?Yeah!

Come on, jump.Jump, man.

Jump! Jump!

You gotta jump! Come on, now!

Come on, Mitch!Come on, do it!

Yeah.

[ALL YELLING]

Now that was some good
hood-jumping.

You all right?

Yeah, you okay?

I think two drops
of pee came out.

You're off the show, Sellars.

You're busted back on patrol.

Showtimeis over.

And we're screwed.

See you back
on the tape, Top Cop.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

MAN:
Being a police officer is not
what you see on television.

You've been a cop for 28 years.

I've never seen you do
anything like this.

Your showboating
put this city at risk.

I expect that of Trey,
you know better.

It just got-- It just escalated.

Mitch, it's over.
Mitch, It's over.

Chief is pulling
the plug on the show.

Good. Now I can finally
get back to work.

No, you can't.
You're off the case.

What?PR is having a heart attack.

This is worse than
when you shot the camera.

If Vargas gets more
of those guns on the street,

we're gonna be a hell
of a lot worse off.

You blew it, Mitch.

Now, I'm relieving
you of duty,

pending a full investigation.

Ah, come one.

What, do you want me to turn
in my gun and my badge?

Ben, come on.

No, I just want you
to go home for a few days.

till this shitstorm settles.

What the hell am I supposed
to do at home?

I don't know. Read a book.
Watch some TV.

Do your pottery projects.

[♪♪♪]

What?

What?

He's touching the pecker-cam.

There's a camera lens
in each one of those eyes.

In my woodpecker?

He better not break it.

I told them no cameras.

I hope you got all of this.
You hear me?

Huh? I hope you got it all.

Great. He broke it.

Sorry. I'll get
you another one.

You gotta talk to him.
He's got issues.

He hates cameras or something.

We're here to take the dog.

The dog stays here.We're under orders.

Technically he's
a police officer.

If you touch him that would
constitute assault

and I'd be forced to shoot you.

[GROWLING]

Go, go, go.

Good boy, Powder. Good boy.

Nobody will take
you away from me.

Trey, forget Showtime,okay?

We'll do our own buddy cop show.
All right?

I got this treatment
worked out in my head.

I got it worked out
in my head. Check it.

You're Nick Load,
and I'm John Lock.

Nick who?Nick Load.

Nick--? I'm Nick Load?You're Nick Load. I'm John Lock.

Together, we're Lock and Load.
Huh?

We are the baddest bicycle cops
on Venice Beach.

Is that hot shit, or what?

Listen, George Clooney
had 18 shows fail

before he hit big
with ER.So you see?

I tell you, it's
not just the show.

I don't wanna go back
to being the guy

putting up the caution tape.

I was really starting
to feel this detective thing.

Listen, you have heat
on your acting career right now.

If you don't strike
while the iron's hot,

it's gonna pass you by.

Whatever. I'm gonna go see
this last episode of Showtime.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

You had your food. None for you.

MAN [ON TV]:
You're off the show, Sellars.
You're busted back to patrol.

What happens to Mitch? He's relieved of duty.

TREY:
Mitch is my partner.
Out on the streets,

he's the only person
I can depend on.

Not my family, not my friends.
Just him.

MAN:
That's beautiful, Sellars.
What do you want me to do?

TREY:
If he's relieved,
I should be too.

MAN:
All right, if you want it,
you're relieved too.

TREY:
Okay.

I'm relieved, then. Okay.

Want my gun and badge?

Get the hell out of here.

All right.

[RINGING]

Who is this?

Uh, yeah, it's me, Mitch.

And what do you want?

Are you watching the show?

No, I'm not watching.
It's ancient history for me.

It's a new day, new way.

Yeah, me too.
I'm just eating a TV dinner.

So, what's up?
What you call for?

I just, you know...

I wanted to tell you that, uh,

what you did was...

What you did was a pretty
standup thing and

if you take that detective exam,

I'm there for you
if you need anything.

You know, questions or whatever,
I'll be around.

You really think I make
a great detective?

Well, I think you'd make
an okay detective.

[LAUGHS]
Let me get that on my machine.

I'm gonna hang up.

No. Quick question.

You think maybe you could

make me a pair of those
shitty-ass mugs that you make?

You gotta be kidding.

Hey, all right, relax.
I'm just joking, man.

No, something on the show.

Oh, so you are
watching the show.

Yeah.

I'm watching it too.
What did you see?

I think I just saw
Charlie Hertz,

who works for ballistics.

That's the guy you were talking
to outside Lazy Boy's.

Yeah. The only thing
is I-I-I gotta see it again.

Don't worry,
I'm recording it right now.

I record them all.
I'm making my own box set.

Why am I not surprised?

Let me rewind this thing.

Hey, it is that guy,
Charlie Hertz.

It is?It's definitely him.

Well, what the hell
is he doing with Vargas?

[♪♪♪]

MITCH:
Where are the lights?

TREY:
Well, we definitely found
our gun maker.

Yeah.

MITCH:
This is definitely his workshop.

Look at all this shit.

Look at that. What happened
to the good old days

when people used
to just grew pot?

How about we
star-69 his last call?

WOMAN:
King Rental Trucks,
may I help you?

Yeah, this is
Detective Mitch Preston--

You mean the Mitch Preston?
The one onShowtime?

The one on TV?That's me.

[SCREAMING]
Oh, my God!

Calm down, we just need some
information about a truck.

Did you rent one
to a Charles Hertz?

Oh, I'll just check, honey.

Mm, as a matter of fact,

Mr. Hertz picked one up
this morning.

He did? Was there a tracking
device on it?

Yes, Mitch, there was.There was?

Uh-huh. Is Trey there with you?
Can I speak to him?

Sure, here.

Trey? This Trey?Hey, hey, yeah.

[SHRIEKING]
Oh, God, I love you, baby!
Say, "Showtime."

All right. It's showtime!
This bitch is crazy.

Okay, all right. Okay. Bye-bye.
See how popular I am?

[♪♪♪]

All right, thanks.

We got a hit on the truck.

It's downtown
at the Bonaventure.

What's going on there?Big ass gun show.

["BALLAD OF THE GREEN BERET"
PLAYING]

♪ ...Upon their chest ♪

♪ These are men,
America's best ♪

♪ One hundred men
Will test today ♪

Nice guns.

Come on back.

It's okay.

[♪♪♪]

Thanks for the call.You find that footage?

Yeah, these are printouts.

I got it.Good luck.

Looks like you went out
on a limb.

Yeah, well, I want to help.

Plus I need an ending
for the final episode.

♪ ...the green berets ♪

WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Excuse me.

Hello, gun lovers.

My name is Chase Renzi
from the hit series Showtime.

[ALL CHEERING]

That's sweet.
Very sweet, very sweet.

I'm here today because
Showtimeneeds your help.

We believe these two men
are in the building.

They are armed
and extremely dangerous.

What the hell?

Hey, there they are.

[♪♪♪]

[PEOPLE YELLING]

Vargas!

[CRIES OUT]

Don't move.

Oh, shit!

Mitch!

MAN:
Clear the hallway!

Guys, wait up!

MAN 1:
Roger that.

MAN 2:
Ghost 3, Bonaventure Hotel.

[SEVERAL TALKING RADIOS]

Listen, why don't I go up and
make a nice list of demands?

Get in there.I can help you here.

Get in!Okay. Calm down.

Take it easy, all right?
Just take it easy!

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

Vargas? There's no way out.Get going.

I've got a list of demands.

Well, let us in so you tell us
what your demands are.

All right. But first, slide your
weapons in here.

What did you say?

I don't know. What?

First slide your weapons
in here.

[WHISPERS]
Say what?

What'd you say?You don't understand English?

Huh?Slide in your weapons.

[WHISPERS]
Oh, slide the weapons.
It's okay. I got a backup.

Guys, hold on.
I gotta change the tape.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah, I am.

What are you doing?TREY: Shut up.

Mitch, no.

Did you hear me?

Hold on.What are you doing?

Don't do that. Man!

I've got a list of demands.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see
those news choppers out there?

We're hooked in live.

We have a cameraman out here

so you can give him
your list of demands.

You can tell the world
what you want.

Yeah.

Okay. Throw in your weapons.

Here they come.

Ready?

Okay. There are the guns.

Stay there.

Okay, easy.Stay there.

Okay. All right.
Just take it easy.

Where is the cameraman?

He's afraid. So he's
staying out there.

We don't wanna put
anybody in danger,

so Detective Preston
is gonna do all the shooting.

MITCH:
I'll do it.

You ever been on TV before?

Okay, it's very simple.

All you have to do
is look at the red light.

Look into the lens and tell
the people what's on your mind.

You got him all lined up?

Yeah. Let's shoot.All right.

Okay. All right.
It's showtime.

[CRIES OUT][GRUNTS]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Hey.

You okay?

[♪♪♪]

Mitch?

[CRIES OUT]

[SCREAMING]

Trey! Where are you?

TREY:
I'm over here!

[MITCH CRIES OUT]

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

TREY:
Hold on!

[BOTH YELLING]

Oh, God!

[♪♪♪]

Now it's your turn to smile
for the cameras.

MITCH:
Get that camera out of here!

TREY:
You keep that camera
right where it is!

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

How do you like that?

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Annie, you deal
with it, girl, go.

Hey.

Hey. What's going
on with your new recruits?

I'm tired of your voice.
You're on my last nerve.

They're not bonding
like we bonded.

Yeah, they don't have that
special chemistry we have.

No, they certainly don't.

Which is why the two of you
ought to guest star

in the next episode.
Show them how to do it.

No way. Not in a million years.

I think that means yes.

I know that means yes, Trey.

And believe me,
I'm working on him.

I love you.

See you at 8, Mitch.

Very nice. Look at what you get.

Look at that. What do I get?

Nothing. I'm going to work.

Here, here.

I made you something.
For passing the detective exam.

Ah, man, that is nice
of you to do that.

Oh, Mitch, that's nice.

What is that?

What the hell is it?
It's a loose change dish.

Oh, yeah, o-of course it's
a loose change dish.

Of course, I just haven't seen
this level of craftsmanship

since back in
the kindergarten days.

It's appreciated, partner.
Thank you.

Detective Sellars,
Preston,

your suspect is
in the interrogation room.

Yeah, I'll be right with you.

I like the sounds of that:
"Detective Sellars."

That has a nice ring to it.

Come on, Top Cop, it's showtime.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Hi. I'm Detective Mitch Preston.

No!

I'm sorry, I can't.

Book 'em, Danno.

You're under arrest! You under
arrest, mother [BLEEP]!

I'm sorry.

Oh.

This Preston character
needs to come to life.

He doesn't have any balls.

Well, he has balls.

They gotta come out. You know?Well...

Bada-bing, bada-boom, balls.

Do you feel lucky, punk?

Who said that?

Miami gente!

I know you know, Mitch.
I know you're gonna see this--

MITCH:
Get that camera out of here!

[LAUGHING]

Could you come a little closer?

I'm sorry, I did
the wrong thing.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey.

Oh, shit.

[CHUCKLES]

Wrap me up in caution tape?

Look, what are you gonna do?

Wrap me up in caution tape,
Cop Top? Cop Top.

You don't think we're--
Blah-blah-blah.

Can you say that in Ebonic!

I'm tired.

Who are you?I'm Annie.

You need a daddy?

[LAUGHS]Yes or no?

[CHUCKLES]Bill.

"Oh, Bill."
That's what I get now.

It used to be "Oh, yeah,"
now it's "Oh, Bill."

It's showtime!

It's showtime.

MITCH:
Get that camera out of here!

[LAUGHING]

[SHAGGY'S "SHOWTIME" PLAYING]

♪ Won't you show me
What you need ♪

♪ 'Cause it's showtime ♪

♪ Show me what you're doing ♪

♪ Show me what you got for me ♪

♪ That's right ♪

♪ I like how you wear a dress ♪

♪ You taught me how to see ♪

♪ 'Cause it's showtime ♪

♪ Won't you show me
What you mean ♪

♪ Show me what you got for me ♪

♪ You claim your the boss
And that you're gonna sing ♪

♪ Won't you show me
What you mean ♪

♪ 'Cause it's showtime ♪

♪ Show me what you mean ♪

♪ Show me what you mean ♪

[SHAGGY'S "SWINGIN'" PLAYING]

♪ Shout it ♪

♪ Latrelle make it up ♪

♪ Mmm-mmm ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Gonna be Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna
Hold me back ♪

♪ Wanna go Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Gonna be Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna
Hold me back ♪

♪ Wanna go Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ They call me the wildest
Around this ♪

♪ Ready your highness ♪

♪ The finest
Maybe you try to deny this ♪

♪ So many stars
And they just can't find us ♪

♪ Need a tune?
Call me up and I advise this ♪

♪ Want hits?
Call the zeros and fives ♪

♪ Some prize lists ♪

♪ Tell them I'm the nicest ♪

♪ Make it the broader
Reap the reward ♪

♪ Carry it a yard
I take what I want ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Gonna be Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna
Hold me back ♪

♪ Wanna go Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Gonna be Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna
Hold me back ♪

♪ Wanna go Hollywood swinging
Swinging ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Gonna get me the chance ♪

♪ Showtime, baby ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Soon as I get me
The chance ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Soon as I get me
The chance ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Soon as I get me
The chance ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Girl what you need ♪

♪ Is not as long as destiny ♪

♪ It's time for me ♪

♪ I'm getting where
I need to be ♪

♪ Clear to see ♪

♪ They try to make it
Hard for me ♪

♪ But then again
My mind is free ♪

♪ I check my rhythm ♪

♪ Rhyming just
To let you know ♪

♪ Throw the blow ♪

♪ Sick and move much to slow ♪

♪ And broke the fall ♪

♪ And feeling I got late
To the show ♪

♪ I got a goal on my mind
Gotta now let it go ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Gonna be Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna
hold me back ♪

♪ I wanna be
Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Gonna be Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna
hold me back ♪

♪ Wanna go Hollywood swinging
Swinging ♪

♪ I'll take the bite ♪

♪ There's something wrong ♪

♪ Now we now start trying,
You know ♪

♪ Oh, nothing, you know ♪

♪ Ah, leave us, you know ♪

♪ Ah, now for life ♪

♪ While we now go rich,
You know ♪

[♪♪♪]