Original subtitles

Being a Police officer is not what you see on television.

I've never had to choose between the red wire and blue wire.

Never seen a police car flip over

causing a chain reaction of other cars to burst into flames.

Never had to jump from one rooftop to another.

I spent my time investigating crimes, track down leads,

typing up reports and sitting in court.

It's difficult, tedious work, and you're not gonna get rich.

But I've been on the job for 28 years

and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm a detective. That's what I do.

If you break the law in my city,

I'll do all everything in my power to hunt you down

and put you behind bars.

I won't say that I succeed every time.

But I try my best to make sure that if you commit the crime,

you'll do the time.

Are there any questions?

[♪♪♪]

Well, Detective Preston, why don't you tell us about

the lighter side of police work? He.

You know. The fun days.

Dammit, captain. I chased him across three rooftops.

You can't do this!

It's come down from the mayor's office.

You're a loose cannon.

You destroyed an entire city block!

Oh. He fired first. What should I do?

Stop and read him his rights?

You should've called for backup.

The only backup I have, sir,

is laying in a hospital bed fighting for his life!

[SIGHS]

His doctor called five minutes ago.

Jimmy didn't make it.

Oh, God.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, God, no.

No!

He was just talking about getting out, man.

I know it's hard.

He was like a brother to me, captain.

Ever since we was kids, we was partners.

All we used to do was just hang out together

and dream about being on the force together.

That was the dream. Just two little Irish boys

fighting, scrapping, thinking about making a difference.

God, I'm gonna miss him!

I'll need your gun and your shield, Pete.

Well, I may be off the force, but I am not off this case!

That's not in the script.

Oh, yeah. I just threw that in at the end, you know.

Let my character have the last line on the scene.

I thought I should get the last line you know.

Nailed it! Yes. Yeah.

That it's not over, you know.

Oh, no, you know, Trey? It was great. It was very believable.

But I'm not married to it. I'll do whatever you want me to do.

You can't... You can't fix perfect.

No, you can't. We have imaginations. Heh-heh.

Thanks so much. We'll call you.

TREY: Oh, thank you. You got my number.

Yes. Yeah. Right here.

All right.Moved to tears. Bye-bye.

Take care of you. You too.

Restroom's on your left.

Don't give up the day job.Unless, of course, it's acting.

[SHAGGY AND BABYFACE'S "SHOWTIME" PLAYING]

It's 1L43, clear from code 7.

WOMAN [OVER RADIO]: Roger, 1L43. Hope you had a nice lunch.

♪ That's right ♪

♪ Now, you wanna roll Baby, roll with me, uh! ♪

♪ You wanna rap Baby, rap with me, uh! ♪

♪ You go, uptown Downtown, to the city ♪

♪ I got you on your hottie You'll see, uh! ♪

♪ You got the right To remain silent ♪

♪ I like your finesse Your style ♪

♪ I pimp the kind of light My flashlight ♪

♪ I'm going with a bottle Of guns, save tonight ♪

♪ It's great, you're the boss You're the one that says ♪

♪ Show the work To me ♪

♪ 'Cause is showtime ♪

♪ Show the work to me ♪

[SIREN WAILING]

♪ Show me what you have For me, that's right ♪

♪ Show how you do that Move the gangs below ♪

♪ You get it From right within ♪

♪ 'Cause is showtime ♪

♪ Want to show you What's in it ♪

♪ Show me what you have For me ♪

♪ You claim you're the boss What do others say? ♪

♪ Whoa, show the works To me ♪

♪ You're the showtime ♪ ♪ Show the work to me ♪

[VIDEOGAME SOUNDS]

TREY: Come on, come on. Eh, ah, ah!

Getting ready to break my old score here.

[VIDEOGAME BEAMING]

Yeah.

Ah? Ah.

[LASER BEAMS]

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Gonna break my old record!

Yeah!

Now I get my grades in kills.

[GRUNTS]

Ah!

Uh! Just broke it! Just broke my old score!

I got the top 10 spots now!

How about that? Anybody here want to take on the Ice Trey?

Way to lay down the law, Top Cop.

[♪♪♪]

[INDISTINCT VOICES OVER TV]

[RAP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

How you doing?MAN: What's up?

All right.Hi, there.

MAN 2: Oh, oh, oh.

Mitchie Mitch! What's up? How's it going, man? Long time.

How you doing?This is a friend of mine.

Rich guy.

How you doing?Eh, I'm all right.

How about you?Pretty good, pretty good.

[MACHINE BUZZES]

This is 1L43 requesting assistance,

in a possible 211 in progress

at the TV repair shop on 1st and Santee.

MAN [OVER RADIO]: This is the Maxis Network Channel 3 chopper.

We just got a hit on the police scanner.

Something going down on 1st and Santee.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

MAN 2: This is Maxis Mobile One. We're on our way.

A quick left, quick right.

Uh, uh!

All day.

[MAN LAUGHS]

What's up, babe? We got ourselves

a couple of big spenders here.Don't bother getting up for us.

You all want to do something?

Yeah, we were wondering if maybe you'd throw in a free set.

Two free sets. One for him, one for me.

So what you've got in the bag?

Let's do it.All right, all right.

It's all here, man.

It's all good?Good to go.

Good. So you show us yours.

Don't look, now.

Touchdown.

Check the batteries on that metal detector.

Yeah, how about that, Re?

[CLANGING]

Thirsty, uh?

Tsk. A lifesaver.

Yeah. That's some pretty high-quality shit.

All right. So we're... we're on, right?

[HELICOPTER SOUNDS ABOVE THEM]

What the hell is this?

What the hell is going on?Wait. Hey, hey. Hold on.

What is this? Some police shit?What are you saying?

You don't come back here? You brought the police back here?

Fuck you!Take it easy! Hey.

You take it easy. Don't tell me to take it easy!

Whoa, whoa. Don't tell me to shut up.

You better calm your punk ass down!

Come on, man. Stop pointing that shit at me!

Come on, come on.

Come on, man. Put that away.You think it's a game?

I'm sorry, listen.Put the gun away.

See, it's gone. It's gone. Okay?

It's all over. Let's go. Come on.

Let's just wrap this up, man.

I don't want them coming back here with this shit.

All right. All right.

What the hell is going on?

Shit, man, we on Channel 5!No, no.

Shoit! I'm gonna blast these fools!

No, no!

Get down!

[GUNSHOTS]

What the hell was that? A bazooka?

You shot the wrong brother now, baby.

Stay with him, I'll find the guy with the cannon.

You're in trouble, man.Put your hands behind your back.

I'm calling Johnnie Cochran.

I got his number. You're going down, bitch.

Okay, Trey, showtime.

Stop, police!

Okay, round two, baby.

Freeze! L.A.P.D.!Get out of my way!

Undercover narcotics!

[BOTH YELL AT THE SAME TIME]

Put your hands above your head!

We got an officer-involved shooting!

Put your weapon down, right now!What?

Put it down! Right now! Down!

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]: Good job, officer!

Hey!

Hey!

Now you can smile for the camera, Ice Trey.

Hey! Uh, get back here! Get back over here! You're under arrest!

Hey, come back here!

Turn that shit off!

Turn that shit off! Turn--

[DOG BARKING]

Out of my way! Police officer! Out of my way! Out of my way!

[WOMEN SCREAM]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

MAN: Look out!

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Get that camera out of here!

[MOANS]

[GUNSHOTS]

[MAN MOANING]

Are you okay?Oh. This went through my vest.

We need an R.A. unit. Get that out of here!

I'm staying with you.

Get the goddamn camera out of here.

Get that out of here!Hey, I'm just doing my job.

Job?Oh, oh. What are you doing?

Whoa!

Get a real job.

MAN: Don't worry. Talk to us.

WOMAN: Give us some information, something.

[REPORTERS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Can you make a statement?Yes, do not break

the sanctity of the police tape, please.

We have a right to be here.You have the right

to keep your monkey ass on the other side.

WOMAN: Hey, aren't you the cop who got busted with his own cuffs?

You think that's funny?

You think a police officer doing his job is funny?

Let's see how funny it is when I move this tape back 20 feet.

You can't do that.

MAN: Hey, this guy is gonna be a Bloopersclassic.

MAN 2: Yeah, let's get some B-roll.

Yeah, anybody come over this tape,

you'll get B-roll of me kicking your ass back down to Sunset.

Now, get back.MAN: Hey, Detective Preston!

MAN 2: Detective Preston!WOMAN: Detective Preston!

Detective, why did you shoot the camera?

MAN: Detective Preston, are you a loose cannon?

A history of emotional problems?

MAN: What happened to you tonight?

[♪♪♪]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

All right, come on, come on. Give me all you got.

Brad? BRAD: Hi, Chase. Go.

I've got the show that's gonna pull

your sorry ass network out of the ratings toilet.

What, you figured out how to do public executions?

Meet Mitch Preston.

[SLAMS]

Jezz, you know I don't read.

Just look at the pictures. Annie, go.

Get that f---ing thing out of here! Get it out of here!

[GLASS SHATTERING]

What the hell was that?

"Detective Mitch Preston obliterates Maxis TV camera."

That's our name.Right.

"Rogue cop guns down Maxis camera."

We can sue him for that.Exactly.

He's Dirty Harry, he's real and guess what, Brad,

we've got him by the balls.

Oh. I see where you're going with this. A reality show.

But how's it any different than Cops?

Did you see him?

The guy's a modern-day cowboy.

He's sexy, he's volatile.

He's a bad boy, and you know how women love bad boys.

Hell, I'd let him frisk me.

Hell. You like getting frisked?

Ah. Brad, focus, okay?

Annie, you want to see it again in slow motion?

No, no. I get the point. Oh, shit!

What?

I just got outbid for this A-Teamlunch box on eBay.

Okay, Brad. Ah.

So we've got this, uh, Mitch Preston?

Exactly, we're with him 24 hours a day.

This guy doesn't make a move without us watching,

'cause he's gonna blow again, and when he does,

we're gonna be there.Then what?

If he arrest many crooks

he gets a million dollars?No.

So who gets the prize money?This isn't a game show, Brad.

This is one man, out there on his own,

kicking ass and taking names.

[SIGHS]

Can we give him a partner?

Yes. Now, that's a good idea, Brad.

We could give him maybe a funny-minority type.

Bringing the urban audience.That's great.

That'll get the NAACP off my back.

Or is it the NCAA?Okay. Do we have a deal or not?

Fine, go make a pilot.No, Brad.

This guy isn't a pilot, he's a series.

Trust me. I'll stake my entire reputation on it.

No offense, Chase. But what reputation?

You still get shit for faking

that flammable baby pajama story on Dateline.

You can't tell me the footage of those things exploding

wasn't good TV. Are you in or out?

Because I'm pitching this over Fox in half an hour.

[SIGHS]

Okay, okay. I'll give you a six-episode commitment.

Yes!

But if it's all sightseeing trips on a squad car,

and pit stops at Krispy Kreme,

I' m pulling the plug and you're out of a job, understand?

We'll all be out of a job, Brad.

BRAD: Come on. What do they teach you in China?

Let's go. Come on. Bring it on. What you got?

Yes!

Chase, you rocked!We're screwed.

We don't know the first thing about bloody cop shows.

No worries. There's a show, there are rules.

Call L.A.P.D. and get clearances.

And find a cameraman

who can shoot the crap out of this thing.

Is Julio out of traction yet?I'll call the hospital.

Now, what if our Dirty Harry says no?

This is America, Annie, everybody wants to be on TV.

[LAUGHS]

10-36. 10-36. It looks like the stolen cuffs were an inside job.

Yeah. That's very funny, guys.

It's very funny. Very well-written.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[GRUNTS]

What are you reading, the Jenny Craig newsletter?

FYI, my friend, a lot of this is muscle.

It's a flyer for some new reality-TV cop show.

Oh, what? Yeah.

All right. I got to get down. I got to be part of this.

I thought you tried to pass the detective exam.

Look, I'm a cop and I'm a professional actor too.

This is right out my alley.

Come on, Trey, your entire career

consists of a couple of lines on an episode of Diagnosis Murder.

I'm one role away, all I need is the right role, the right part

and I'll get my big break.

Hey, man, you know how old Sam Jackson was

when he finally got his big break? He was 42.

Okay, but he's got, uh,

gosh, what's that thing called? Uh. Talent.

Hey, but... I got-- I'm talented.

I ain't no Sam Jackson, but I'm talented.

Yeah, well.

You'll also gonna be partner with Mitch Preston.

I guess we know who'd wear the cuffs in that relationship.

Mitch Preston nailed the other lead in this thing?

Come on, Trey, the guy's front-page news.

Everybody's talking about him.

Man, I'd blow his old ass off the screen

every night of the week.

You crazy? Mitch Pres... Mitch Preston, please!

I said, "Do you wanna take your feet off the desk?"

[WHISTLES AND LAUGHS]

Get your feet off the desk. Where's Lazy Boy?

My client's taking the Fifth. He's the victim here.

Got yourself a pretty pricey lawyer there, don't you?

Had to sell a lot of TVs to get that kind of juice.

Who's paying for it?That's privileged information.

Mitch, sorry to interrupt.

The captain needs to see you in his office when you're done.

He's done now. Come on, ReRun. This interview is over.

We don't talk, we walk.For now.

Do you want me to start filming?

Yeah, just everything you see. Perfect. Great.

Oh, my God.

This place is so depressing. Jesus, looks like a tomb.

Well, you wanted reality.

Oh, well, you know what?

We need a reality change here. This is hideous.

No, no. I'm not doing it.No choice, no choice.

I'm not doing it. Let them follow somebody else.

I'm not doing it.

Mitch, they don't want anyone else.

You're the man of the hour.

All I did was shoot a God damned video camera.

You made us look like a bunch of savages.

The network is suing the Department for $10 million.

What? Yeah, they say

you could have killed their cameraman.

You're lucky you're not being charged with assault.

Yeah, maybe I should have killed him.

Look, Mitch, the chief already cut the deal.

You do the show, and they drop the suit.

What? Mitch.

That's extortion! They can't do that.

Look, the Department can use a good PR hit.

Our community relations are in the toilet.

You're the best detective we got.

So, what about this big gun?

We're not dealing with some Saturday Night Special.

What am I supposed to do? Let them follow me around

While I'm trying to track down the weapon? I mean, come on!

Hey! Look, I...I did an episode of Copsonce.

You did an episode of Cops?Yeah, Cops.

After five minutes you forget the camera is even there.

This is real work. I'm not an actor.

This is ridiculous. It's bullshit.

Nobody is saying you can't do your work.

But you screwed up, Mitch.

And now you've got to play ball. End of story.

[SIGHS]

You'll be reporting to the show's producer, Chase Renzi.

Chase...? Chase Renzi, right. Is that a real name?

I'm telling you right now,

I'm not taking orders from some coked-out Hollywood dickhead.

Not in a million years. That...that I won't do.

Ha. Well, that's good, Mitch. Because she doesn't have a dick.

Hey, go check her out for yourself.

Really, she's right outside, waiting for you.

[♪♪♪]

Well. Better looking than I thought.

We gotta bring in some color, bring in some light.

Get this-- Do you think these windows move?

My God.

Oh. Detective Preston, hi.

Okay, I can see you're busy.

Hm, no problem. We'll talk tomorrow.

He's not very friendly.

Okay, find out where he eats. Make a reservation for two.

[MUSIC IN SPANISH PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[BELL RINGS]

Here you go, cover boy.Thanks.

Detective Preston, Chase Renzi.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

[BELL RINGS]

How you doing?

Good. I see you've already ordered.

Just make this quick, 'cause I have a lot of work to do.

What can I get you?

Oh. Same as him. A cheeseburger, rare, fries and a Coke.

Diet? Regular.

So, Detective Preston. Can I call you Mitch?

Well... Why don't I just, uh, you know,

launch into a few questions here, basic, basic questions,

and kind of find out what makes you tick.

I don't tick.

Ah. Sure you do, Mitch. Everybody ticks.

Not me.

Okay, well, you wanna tell me a little bit about yourself?

You have a girlfriend, a wife?

Ex-wife. Ex-wife.

Hm, was it a painful divorce?

No, look, I only ask because I was divorced myself,

and I know how difficult it can be.

I mean, did you drink?

Lady, let's get something very clear,

the only reason I'm here is because

my captain made me come here. I had no other choice.

I have no interest in you,

your stupid questions or your silly show.

Mitch, not only do I understand your resistance,

I appreciate it.

Oh, you do, huh? Good.

Believe me, I'm not into making the same old bullshit cop show

we've seen a million times.

That's why I believe if you and I are honest and open

with each other, we could do something very special here.

[BELL RINGS]

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I'm talking about reality, Mitch.

There you go.Thank you a lot.

About letting the world find out who Mitch Preston really is.

Look, I know what you're looking for,

you're looking for some loose cannon,

cop-on-the-edge, Serpicobullshit.

Now I'm telling you, right now, you're wasting your time.

See that anger, Mitch?

It's working for you.

The audience is gonna connect with that in a major way.

I'm out of here.

I'm gonna call you later so we can discuss your new partner.

Want that in a doggy bag?

No. Thanks, though. It was delicious.

So how did it go? Is he totally intense?

Ah, Annie, I'm gonna need some cherry Tums, very quickly.

What's the deal? Is he psyched about the show?

Well, this might be a little more difficult than I thought.

[♪♪♪]

Hey!You son of a bitch!

ANNIE: Hey! Please!

[SIREN WAILING]

Freeze! L.A.P.D.!

[GRUNTS]

[GROWLS]

[GROWLS][MOANS]

Wait, wait! Wait!

[SCREAMS]

Hey!

Ow!

[CLANGING]

Bad idea, scumbag.

I only got two things on me bigger than my mouth.

And one of them is pointed at your head right now.

Oh, you want to do this shit the hard way, uh?

Come on, bitch!I'll stick you, pig!

I'll take your core!

[GROANS AND MOANS]

Oh! Ah.

All right, officer. You nice with yours.

Yeah, you damn right.

And if any of your punk ass boys want to know

who put the smack down on you, my badge number is 38723.

I go by the name of Trey Sellars, patrolman.

[THIEF MOANS]

I believe this belongs to you, ma'am.

Officer. Chase Renzi. That was incredible.

I'm just doing my job, ma'am.

just like the badge says, protecting and serving.

Ow! Why don't you get this psycho off me?

Hey. What's with all the Superfly shit?

I got the situation in hand.

Top Cop, how you doing?Get off of me.

What are you doing, Preston? You don't have to do this.

I got this is my collar.Police Procedures 101.

Never turn your back on a suspect who's not cuffed.

The guy could've reached for a gun.

I ain't got no damned gun.

Trey, I think you broke one of my ribs, man.

Tell this guy to get this cuffs off.

I cant' do cuffs. I told you I can't do handcuffs.

Get this handcuffs off me.Hey, Hey. Behave! Quiet!

You have the right to remain silent!

Do you know each other?No, we don't know each other.

I've never seen him before in my life.

He's just another street criminal.

That's bullshit. Me and this clown

took a stage combat class together last fall.

Oh, that's a nice try, pal. That's a nice try.

He's just a faceless perv out here

trying to weasel his way out of the crime.

That's what he's doing.Yeah. He looks

like a real menace to society.

All right. Which one of you wants to explain?

I'll tell you what happened. Trey said he'd give me $50

if I snatched that lady's purse and take off running.

Then he'd pull up in his police car, jump out,

roll over the hood, chase me up a fence,

bring me down, beat me down, whoop my ass, kick me around--

Okay. All right, all right. Okay.

Okay. I set the whole thing up. It was a big setup. I kinda--

[SIGHS]

I set it up, I set the whole thing up

to make it look like I was... I was auditioning, you know,

I want to stand out, I'm trying to get this part.

What part?Oh. Your new partner, Mitch.

We've been interviewing all morning.

Oh, yeah? Well, It's not gonna be this moron.

I'll report you to Internal Affairs for impersonating a cop.

Ow!

You know what? You've got to put a lock on that "moron" shit.

What's your problem? Why you take everything

so damn seriously?

You should be protecting the streets,

not phoney staging crimes.

Someone could've got hurt.Exactly, like me.

I should learn about police work

from a guy who put a bullet hole to news camera?

You got the part already.Get them on video.

I'm just trying to do a little acting,

spruce it up, that's all.I guess that's not different

from what you normally do on the job, uh?

You better watch your mouth.

What are you gonna do, Top Cop? Wrap me up in caution tape?

Uh...

No, I ain't gonna wrap you up in caution tape.

No, I'm not gonna do that.

But I'll tell you what, punk,

I might whip your ass all up and down in the parking lot.

Do me a favor, go work on your

Starsky and Hutchroutine on your own time, all right?

Yeah, you better walk off.

I was getting ready to slap you in your mouth in a second.

This guy's a disgrace to the badge.

So you'd never work with him?

No in a million years, never.

[♪♪♪]

I think we have pretty good chemistry.

Riveting. Really?

Amazing.Really?

Oh. Yeah. All right.

Well, thank you. All right.Yeah.

The guy's a joke. There's no way I'll work with this guy.

No God damned way, captain.

Look, I...I don't want to hear it, Mitch. Shit, come on.

[SLAMS MACHINE]

Thanks.

I'm... I--

You're doing this, Mitch. That's an order.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

MAN [OVER TV]: Trapped in the jaws of death, he struggled.

[CHUCKLES]

You'll never see no brothers down there

messing with no sharks.Oh.

[PHONE RINGS]

Never.

...manage to push back...

LAZY: So you don't?

MAN 2: I was on my way to the circus, uh, looking down...

Hello?

[♪♪♪]

I saw you on TV the other night, shooting up the neighborhood.

Uh, hey. What... What's going on, Vargas?

I was trying to call you, dog.

Oh, yeah?

I got three cell phones, call waiting, e-mail, voice mail

and I haven't heard una chingada from your sorry ass.

Oh, no. It ain't like that, dog.

You know, I'm just trying to lay low

till like, you know, everything dies down.

It got crazy out there.

And did I give you permission to use my gun?

VARGAS: You know, Lazy Boy, I trusted you.

And you let me down.

And now you put my entire shipment at risk.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

You used that gun without my permission.

We don't want that getting into the wrong hands, do we now?

[♪♪♪]

No, no. I was just borrowing it, you know.

Just testing it out, you know?

And how did it work?It...it worked real good.

I...I got it right here.

So we cool, right?

Yeah. We cool.Yeah, I'm sorry about all that.

Don't worry. We cool, Lazy Boy. Okay?

We're cool, okay?A...all right.

You two have a nice night. Okay?

All right.

[DOOR OPENS]

What the hell was that all about?

[♪♪♪]

What the hell?

My--Lazy Boy, what's that?

Stop playing this shit, man.Lazy Boy, what's that?

Lexi, get down!

[SCREAMS]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[♪♪♪]

[SIREN WAILING]

Freeze! L.A.P.D.

What am I supposed to do?

Cut, cut, cut, cut. Cut.

Let's...

Let's, uh, do it again.

Freeze! L.A.P.D.

Is that how he's gonna do it?

Hey I'm... I'm laying my shit out.

Look. Freeze! L.A.P.D. That shit is right. Perfect.

Okay, ready?

Patrolling your neighborhood at Friday.

Friday night at 8. 8.

Patrolling your neighborhood every Friday at 8.

Yeah, good, and...and... and be happy.

Why should I be happy? I'm patrolling the neighborhood.

Well, you're happy because you're patrolling.

Keeping it safe, Mitch.

Patrolling your neighborhood every Friday at night.

Every Friday night at 8.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

This guy is the worst actor I have ever seen.

[♪♪♪]

Get out.MAN: Wait a minute, wait.

Hold, hold it, cut, cut. Mitch, come on, God.

You can't just toss a cameraman aside.

Look, I...I... Give...give me a pad, okay?

I'll show you how a TV cop comes through the door, all right?

Put the door, fly... The doors fly open.

You put your shoulder and put it off.

They fly open. You burst in. You scan the room for criminals.

You do the turn, right? You toss yourself around.

And now! You're set and-- But the trick is

you don't turn your head too far from camera, see?

Otherwise we lose your face, that little lady is your lover.

If you don't respect her, she won't respect you.

Gotta know where she is at all times.

Well, right now she's on my way.

Preston, what's your problem?

You're getting camera tips from T.J. Hooker.

Which by the way, is the most underrated police show

in the history of police shows.

Nobody came through a door like you.

Thank you, Detective Sellars.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. This guy is no detective.

I'm a detective. I'm playing a detective on the show.

I'm playing detective.All right. All right, guys.

I'm playing a detective.Okay! Okay.

Let's go do some hood-jumping.

What's that?

What does it sound like, "hood-jumping"?

We're gonna jump over hoods.

Sounds like something you'd know.

Freeze!

[♪♪♪]

That was great, Trey. Beautiful played.

Okay. That was really great.

All right. Okay, Mitch. Come here.

I'm not going on the hood of a car.

What are you talking?Forget it.

Hey, I entertained viewers all over the world in the '80s,

jumping on car hoods.

One of the greatest weapons on the a TV cop's arsenal.

Here. I'll show you.

Now look. You gotta stop them, see?

Halt! And you throw your body. Halt!

You're okay there, T.J.?

[♪♪♪]

Moving on.

Who stole the money?

Deep in thought.

Now the eyebrows arch, ever so slightly.

And Hooker solves another case. Ah.

Okay? All right, Trey, you try it. Go ahead. Ready?

Okay. You're ready?

Yeah.Get loose now. Loosen up.

Loosen up. Are you ready?Okay. Yeah.

Trey, who stole the money?

That's good, man. You nailed it, first take.

Give me five. Give me five. That was good!

Okay, Mitch. Come on, show me some magic.

Come on, Mitch.

Mitch, who stole the money?

Look at that, Trey. Look at that.

Look at the anger in his eyes. Look at that.

See that slight squint says, "Hey, I'm Mitch. I'm the man.

Don't mess with me."

Okay. Let's taste some drugs.

Hooker's got a bag of white powder in his hand.

[SNAPS]

Spears it open with a pocketknife.

Ah.

Takes his little pinkie

in the powder.

And he touches it, gently, on his tongue.

Watch the eyebrows.

Hooker knows it's cocaine.

Ah.

What if it's cyanide?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello? Hold on.

Ah. There's a reason real cops don't taste drugs, Bill.

Never mind that shit. It's never cyanide.

Show me the thing you do with your eyebrow again.

Uhu, okay. Okay, I'm on my way.It's tricky.

Where are you going?

I gotta wash this shit out of my hair.

And I've gotta change my clothes.

Hey, come on. Please.Do we have some action?

We have some action, finally.

[PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]

Beep, beep!Hey, Mitch.

What'd you do to my car?

We outfitted it with micro cameras.

There's one on the steering wheel,

another on the glove compartment

and a crook-cam in the back seat.

Just pretend they're not even there.

Just pretend they're not even there?

See? You're catching on already.

We'll, uh, be right behind you in the van.

You'll be right behind me?

[SIGHS]

What are you doing?

what do you mean, what am I doing? I'm on the case here.

I'm your partner. We're together, right?

[SCOFFS]

Unbelievable.

[STARTS ENGINE]

What's the mean face for?

Okay, listen to me. Don't speak, just listen.

We're gonna be partners for the next couple of weeks.

There's a few things I need to tell you.

First of all, you gotta know that I got your back covered

and I gotta know you got mine covered, okay?

No doubt.

When the shift is over, it's a different story.

But when we're out there on the job,

you're the only person in the world that I can depend on.

Not friends, not my family, not anybody, just you.

You got that? Yeah.

That's the most important thing.

There's no other way to look at it.

And it's gotta start right now.

Hey, but you know, Mitch?

Ever since I was 8 years old, I wanted to be a cop.

You know, I wanted to be on the force,

just like my big Uncle Reggie, he was on the force.

He was the first in the family to be on the force. Big muscles.

Uncle Reggie.

He used to come by after work

and let me ride around in the squad car with him.

Once he let me play with the siren. From that moment on

I knew I was gonna be a cop.

Uncle Reggie.

Yeah.

My uncle--

[SOBS]

Uncle Reggie passed away about two years ago.

He got caught in the line of some fire.

Didn't slow me down, no.

I always remember how he set me on my way.

I know that someway he's looking down on me

from a big precinct in the sky. He's thinking,

"You've done all right, Trey. You've done all right by me."

What the fuck does that got to do with anything?

Hey, man. You got a speech, so I get a speech too.

That wasn't a speech, I don't know what--

You made a speech, all that shit about "I'm your partner."

That was a speech.

You burned up 90 seconds of air time. Chase, that was a speech.

Well, do me a favor. When we get to the crime scene,

just stay out of my way and keep your mouth shout, okay?

This isn't any studio bullshit. This is the real deal.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Put your God damned camera out of here.

Hey. Hey, watch the camera, buddy.

Julio has to shoot. Do you know that? That's the show.

He's done everything from Dessert Storm to Jerry Springer.

That's right. Yeah, whatever you guys need, I'm there.

If I get shot, stabbed, well, it's cool.

Whatever. I'm just trying to get some good footage.

He gives you any trouble,

you just remember three words: Go to Trey.

Go to Trey.

I'm Trey. All right. Julio.

You worked on Springer?

Yeah. Springer, Girls Gone Wild.

Get that camera out of here.

That's all right, Gina. They're with me. Who's in the bag?

We don't know yet.

Whoever shot this guy wasn't too concerned

about an open casket.

Hey, Mitch. You're thinking what I'm thinking?

I seriously doubt it.

Well, I'm thinking that there's a passé of dirty cops

on the streets, cleaning the streets up

on they own dirty little terms, partner.

Well, what I'm thinking,

this is payback for a drug deal gone sour.

Whoever this guy worked for got pissed off

and cleaned the house.

That's even better. This is a classic

bad guy retribution scenario. That's perfect.

Good thinking, partner. Good thinking.

Tell them, I think I can identify one of the victims.

[POLICEMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

MAN: Those are 12-gauge, armor-piercing

depleted uranium shells.

Charlie. Hey, Mitchell.

I found high explosive

and incendiary rounds scattered around the area too.

Uh. Looks like the same gun

that put those holes in your TV repair shop.

The weapon appears to be hand-held, fully automatic,

with interchangeable magazines.

Which is somewhat troubling,

because technically, this gun doesn't exist.

What do you mean it doesn't exist?

On my business this gun is like the 50-foot shark.

Speak English, Charlie.

It's the one that everybody knows it's out there,

but that nobody has ever seen.

Any idea who made it?

[♪♪♪]

Uhm. It's a custom job.

Hm. My guess is, it's somewhere out of Eastern Europe.

Thanks, Charlie. Keep your eyes open.

You bet.

What are you doing?Take it easy. Take it easy.

You're not supposed to be touching anything.

I didn't touched anything. I turned it over with my foot.

Well, you let me know when you touch--

I don't have-- Look, I'm a cop, I don't have to let you know--

What's going on?

Your partner is contaminating my crime scene.

I didn't contaminate. I'm doing a last minute sweep of the area.

Because you never know

where that crucial bit of evidence may be hiding.

Like this, for instance.

How about this?

Did anybody think to pull some prints off this water bottle?

There could be prints all over this.

Can I get an evidence bag, please? For this bottle.

You mind putting down my water?

I'm not finished drinking it yet.

[♪♪♪]

Don't look at me like that. That's an honest mistake.

You got your water all down there amongst potential evidence

so I thought it was, you know, something from the--

Hey, T.J., why don't you go out your eyebrow

and go solve the case somewhere else, okay?

You don't tell me what to do, I'm your partner!

You're not my partner, I partner with real cops.

Just get me a copy of that report when it's done, okay?

All right, Mitch.

Well, I...I am your partner, so you better accept that.

I am your partner!

I am your partner!

[♪♪♪]

I'm trying to develop a report with this guy,

but he won't open up to me.

You know how hard it is to work with somebody like that?

I know. I know, Trey, Mitch has been

a lot more resistant than I'd hoped for.

You know what, Trey? I think that you and Mitch

need some bonding time away from the job.

You're right. We do.

We need to spend some QT time together.

Just two guys hanging out, have some beers you know.

Guy time. I'm gonna call him to see if he wants to hang out.

You know what? Let's not call him. Let's just go over.

Just show up at his house?Surprise him.

Hmm.

Hey!

Oh. What the hell are you doing here?

Hey, now listen, how hard is it for you to say,

"Hi, Trey, nice to see you"?

Hi, Trey. Nice to see you.

What the hell are you doing here?

I figured we got off on the wrong foot the other day,

so I got some Chinese food.

We can, you know, eat the food get to know each other

and kind of bond a little bit.

Bond? Yeah.

How'd you get my address?

CHASE: Whoo-hoo.

Hi, Mitch. Oh, shit.

Yeah. Hi. I gave it to him.

Are you gonna invite us in, Mitch? Don't be rude, man.

Do I have to?

Hey, come on, now. You got us

out in the hallway like the Jehovah's Witness.

Can we come in, please?

I gotta see where my star cop lives.

Let's come in. Come on, Mitch.

TREY: Come on, Mitch, be a--

CHASE: Oh, my God.TREY: Oh! Mitch!

This-- TREY: Yes.

It's nice. Wow.

Got a little smell to it though.

Not a... not a stinky smell, but an odd one.

What is that smell?

Is this...this here your actual living area?

This is my Batcave.

There's a tunnel in the garage

that leads to my mansion in Beverly Hills.

[CHUCKLES]

Why? What's the problem?

Well, our research tells us

that buddy cops usually live in visually distinctive places.

You know, like a trailer on the beach or a loft downtown.

That kind of thing.

I see, your research shows that, huh?

So where does he live?

Oh, I rent a guesthouse from a producer

in Hollywood Hills, it's beautiful.

Kind of gives off a Magnumvibe, am I right?

Totally.Yeah. It's very unique.

But you know what, Mitch? We can make this work.

Hey, Mitch, did a crackhead make this cup?

What? It's not visually exciting enough?

No. It's just--

Hm, look, Mitch, the point of the show

is to let the audience in on all aspects of your life, right?

so when they come home with you, want to spend time

in a place that speaks to your personality.

This does speak to my personality.

[♪♪♪]

CHASE: Ah. Mitch, I...I think you need some time away from the job.

TREY: I think I just found the crackhead's workshop.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Hey, don't go in there.

This is what you smell all over the place, is this stuff.

Oh, wow! Yeah.

A pottery studio!This is very distinctive.

Mitch, you're full of surprises.

How long you been doing this?

Six years, give or take.

You been doing this for six years, uh?

You really got a knack for it.

All right, everybody out. Come on. This room's off-limits.

It's not gonna be on the show.Okay, Mitch. Ahem.

Yeah, Mitch. Listen, you know,

we haven't done any bonding at all yet.

Yeah, bond with yourself, I got work to do.

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

MITCH: Hey!

Hey! Hey!

[JUNIOR WELL'S "SNATCH IT BACK AND HOLD IT" PLAYING]

Oh.

♪ Somebody help me ♪

♪ I can't help myself ♪

♪ Somebody got to help me ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't Help myself ♪

♪ I'm not doing too bad Baby ♪

♪ You know I ain't got No brand new bag ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Check this out. Uh.

Must be some Hollywood dickhead.

Yeah.

♪ Somebody help me ♪

♪ Somebody help me ♪

♪ Somebody... ♪

[JAMES BROWN'S "I GOT YOU [I FEEL GOOD]" PLAYING ]

♪ I knew that I would, now ♪

♪ I feel good ♪

♪ I knew that I would, now ♪

♪ So good ♪

♪ So good ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ So good ♪

♪ So good ♪

♪ I got you ♪

♪ So good ♪

♪ So good ♪

♪ I got you ♪

[ENGINE ROARS]

♪ Hey ♪

Not bad for a sidekick, huh?

Yeah. You know, a real cop never slides across the hood.

Why? 'Cause it's not police procedure?

No, because your holster scratches up the paint job.

[♪♪♪]

Nice.

They can buff that shit out.

And incidentally, I'm trying to make detective.

You take the exam?And I failed it twice.

What makes you think you won't fail it a third time?

Well, the first two times I won't working

with the great Mitch Preston.

I figured you could give me some points on the detective front

and I'll give you some tips on how to look better on camera.

Tips like what?You like to wear

a lot of plaids and checks, like fishermen clothes.

That's ugly shit. You should wear solids.

You look slimmer on camera.

I'll keep that in mind.Yeah, you got any tips for me?

Feel free, don't be shy.

Yeah, here's a tip. Stay out of my way and I won't shoot you.

[♪♪♪]

What the hell is going on here?

♪ Welcome ♪

to America's window on your world.

What is this?

We just made your workspace a bit more camera friendly.

My work space? Yeah.

I mean, I think it perfectly captures the reality

of an inner-city precinct, don't you?

Yeah. Is this where you do the makeup in here, over here?

Oh, no. This is really good, Trey. You have to see this.

Mitch, come here, you have to see this.

Look at your desk. It's so beautiful in there, uh?

TREY: Hey, is this my desk?

That's your desk. And that's your desk, Mitch.

Just as it was. We just lift it up, and didn't change it.

But this is a confessional. All right?

Now look, you guys can talk about anything you want.

You can talk about the job, you know, each other,

your sex lives. I mean, only if you want to.

Direct to camera.

No, thanks.

Maybe you could fit a pottery wheel in there.

CHASE: Ah. Look, Mitch,

this is an integral part of the show, okay?

I mean, you're contractually obligated

to spend at least five minutes a day in here.

We've provided you with a chair.

All you have to do is sit and share.

Share?

Learn how to turn on your heart light.

Exactly.Chase!

Um, listen, I talked to Brad, he loves the promo footage.

But he thinks the guys need a catch phrase.

I got one. "I wish I was dead."

You guys need a catch phrase? I got the perfect thing.

When I'm about to make a bust--When did you ever make a bust?

Don't tell me.

When I'm about to make a bust, to get in the moment,

I take three deep breaths and say to myself,

"Okay, Trey, it's showtime!"

You say that?That's stupid.

What's stupid about that?You know what?

Don't say it, please. Don't say it.

No, I have to say it, Mitch. "Showtime." It's amazing.

That could be the name of our show!

See? It's not stupid. It's perfect.

Say it again for the camera.

I want you to do it again with the breathing and everything.

Oh, my God, you're a natural.

[EXHALING]

It's showtime!

Hey, this is Harley Barley at KXO taking calls

from fans of the new hit series Showtime.

Let's go to Pete from Idaho. You're on the air, Pete.

Yeah, um, I wanted to say to Mitch, I know how you feel.

I mean, I got a lot of anger inside me too.

Sometimes I want to take my gun and blow everybody away!

Thank you, Pete. You sure you're not calling from Waco?

Let's go to line three. Mandy, you're on the line.

Oh, I just love me someShowtime.

I'm your biggest fan. Trey is so fine with that mustache.

I could ride that.What?

Thank you, Mandy.

I'm onShowtime. What's up?

Trey! Marry me, Trey!

Marry me, Trey!

I'm gonna be honest, you know.

It's natural, when you're in a situation that's shitty

that you're gonna start to think about

what it might be like to have a different partner.

Like somebody that was closer to your age.

Charismatic, with a little flair and shit.

You kicking it with him, have some fun.

Me and a Wesley Snipes type. I know you won't get Wesley.

I see Wesley Snipes types all the time.

Me and a Wesley Snipes type?

Can you imagine?

Wesley Snipes type?

Do you feel lucky, punk? Huh? Do you?

Basically, what I'm saying is the whole show

is slowed down just a half a beat--

I'm too old for this shit.

--so Mitch can keep up.

Because I'm working out. I run the treadmill.

I do free-weights.

Go ahead. Make my day.

I'm taking care of mine. Mitch is not.

That's it. I'm taking care of mine and Mitch is not.

Trey, look at this. It's all for you.

Trey, I'm right here. Yo, Trey.

Five minutes up yet?

It's showtime!

What are you looking at that for, Magnum?

I'm wondering how come we're not talking to this guy?

Because he's sitting in county.

A jailhouse setting. Now, that could be the next episode.

Oh, no. Forget it. I'm the one who put him there.

He's the only person who's gonna tell us about this gun.

You're not listening. He won't talk to me. I already tried.

Maybe he'll talk to me.

Wearing a badge, what makes you think he'll talk to you?

Won't go in with a badge. Won't go in like a bulldog like you.

I'll talk. I'll be in character.In character!

That's great. That's a great idea. You mean, like undercover?

Undercover. A little finesse, catch him off guard,

have him think I'm somebody else.

Character. What kind of a character?

I don't know. I'll come up with something.

ReRun! How you doing, my man? Thanks for giving is the time.

How are you? I'm Trey Sellars from the Justice Channel.

Nice to meet you. Have a seat, please. You being strong?

Yeah.

Thanks for coming down. You all right?

I ain't heard of no Justice Channel.

That's because we got started

while you was rotting away in here.

The Justice Channel is devoted to shining the light

on helpless, innocent victims like you.

He's got talent, Mitch, come on. He just needs direction.

Telling you, we're wasting our time.

Is that a new shirt?

It looks good. I like you in solids.

What's all this shit about you getting me out?

Not me, brother, the TV show.

I'm hosting a show, that's why you got cameras.

I'm hosting a show called Framed.

Let me tell you about the show. We spotlight you.

Put a light on your situation. Let the people see you.

Hopefully, we get a grassroot campaign started

and get you out.

I got three people out. We want you to be number four.

Like Mandela.Similar. You ain't as noble.

I read your files. You ain't no Nelson. You're ReRun.

But you your own man. We want to get ReRun out.

Mandela's shit stink too.

Trey, it's Mitch, I'm gonna talk you through this.

Not so loud.Say what?

I wasn't that loud.

You don't have to talk too loud.

Shouldn't my lawyer be here?

That's the wrong thing you can do. Let me explain something.

Research has shown people don't want to hear lawyers.

They want to hear it straight from your mouth.

But I got Johnnie Cochran. No offense, bro.

Not offended. Cochran will get a response I'm not trying to get.

I'm trying to get people to connect with you.

If they see Johnnie Cochran in a $1000 suit

they ain't going to get you out of prison.

Ain't no cops here. Just me and you. Brother to brother.

Brother to brother.I'm your brother.

Okay, take it slow. Nice and easy. Nice and slow.

He's still on the fence.

All right! You and Lazy Boy got this gun from somebody!

You work for the same person! Who you working for?

Lazy Boy? What the hell, man? What kind of reporter are you?

I don't tiptoe around the truth!Back off.

And I will not back off until I find out the truth!

Brother, look at me.

They selling your black ass down the river.

You can say "ass" on TV?

This is cable. I can say whatever I want to.

Did they tell you plea-bargain?

Take the hit, do the time?

That's what was said, isn't it?

Yeah, that's what they said.

Now let's see if you can get a name.

It's time, ReRun.

It is time to shine the light on who's really behind this.

Who's the puppet master?

Whose time are you doing?

While you're in here, he's out on the street smelling freedom.

And tasting it.What you smell?

Ass.

Ass and feet, and tension and stress.

Hey. Hey, brother, that ain't for you.

Look in that camera. Look in that camera right now.

Make a connection. Look right into the lens.

Say who it is that's supposed to be in here instead of you.

Let the people know. Let them get involved.

Look in the camera and say it. I'm with you.

I'm right here with you.

All the people out there in TV land,

and Mama, I'm coming home soon.

Your baby be home soon, Mama.

Be home soon.Yes.

The man-- The culprit--

You'll see Mama soon.

--that took me out of college

and put me on the streets to do his dirty work,

that's shitting on my freedom--

Tell them.

--is none other--

I'm sorry. This is an emotional moment.

I get caught up when I know a brother is ready to leave.

I love that. Go on, tell them, brother.

--than Vargas!

Caesar Vargas!

He said it!

Hope you're watching, bitch. Shit.

That's right. You did the right thing, brother.

Find out where he is.

You going down, baby.

You made a connection. I can feel that. I can tell.

When the people see this, they'll get rallied up.

I can tell.

Now, where would a guy like Vargas, where would he kick it?

You trying to get a brother killed--

Not at all. You're taking this the wrong way.

I do this for the viewers. We don't point fingers.

We'll say, "If you don't want to run into Vargas

don't go to this place. He might be in a place like this."

Hanging out with him, you wind up in this place.

That's how you got up here. All right then.

Look to the camera. Think about the people.

Think about the babies, the children.

Save the babies, brother.

People

and children in TV land

and all the little kids around the world,

don't be like me.

And if you want to stay out of harm's way...

don't go to Club Cuba Loca on Figueroa. Don't go there.

It's a bad place. Don't go.

He's just lucky.

Don't go there.

Brother, you did the right thing. Don't you feel good?

We connected.A weight off my shoulders.

You going down, bitch. I got backup now.

Hey, that's a wrap.

Yeah! Come on, Mitch.

Now it's time for us to get down to my story.

Talk about where I'm from, my humble beginnings.

I was born in a corn field, Grandma was a stripper--

Save all that for when you do The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Yo. Hey, Mitch, we going to the club tonight.

Now what?

Watch me.

Is the mike on? Can you turn the mike up?

Sorry to bother everybody, but, uh, I'm looking for Mr. Vargas.

Is Mr. Vargas here?

Anybody know where Mr. Vargas is? Mr. Vargas?

There's Mr. Vargas. Thank you. See how easy that was?

Don't even get up, we'll come over there to you.

Sorry. Go on back

to living la vida loca.

Sorry, I always wanted to do that.

Be right with you, Mr. Vargas.

Interesting approach.

Just doing my part. He's over this way.

That button-cam was a good idea.Yeah, I told you.

Mr. Vargas? Yes.

I'm Detective Preston, L.A.P.D.

I'd like to ask you some questions.

I am in the middle of dinner.

Well, I hope this doesn't ruin your appetite.

I got a strong stomach.

Who's he?

One of your employees. You know that.

I own a club, a lot of people work for me.

But I don't know this guy.

And what about this guy?

What's his name?

He's big,

probably big enough to go through

those bulletproof vests you guys wear.

Am I right?

TREY: Bulletproof vest, huh?

And you are?

You can't miss me. I'm across the street on the billboard,

40 feet high.

You are the TV cops.

Right.

What's your line again?

"It's showtime!"

It's showtime!

I told you it was a good line.

You'll see how funny this is once we make some arrests.

And then what?

What will you do? Try me in The People's Court?

We're gonna be watching your punk ass 24-7, slick.

Are you going to arrest me?

Because if you're not, get out.

Or I have to call the real cops.

Hey, we are the real cops.Sure you are.

You don't think we're real cops?I think you're a joke.

It's all right. He cannot touch me.

Not this time, but next time

I'll drag you out of here in cuffs.

You see, I told you.

They are a joke.

Right?

It's a joke. It's a Showtimejoke.

Showtime.

That's great TV!

You realize we can take this car up to Sunset Boulevard

and meet some girls who wouldn't normally look at us.

Yeah, I'll pass.

What's your rush? You gotta go whip up some dinner plates?

Why don't you--? Why don't you stop the car?

All right, all right, all right. I'll leave you alone.

MITCH: What's this, your picture and résumé?

TREY: Oh, yeah, those are my 8-by-10s.

Put that back.

I just want to look at it.

All these special skills must come in handy, huh?

I've never--

Never met a...

mime. Is that it? Mime?

Yeah, I'm a mime. I mime.

I'm curious about these movies: Beach Party Bonzo?

Yes, it's a semi-independent film.

Very low-budget, semi-independent.

Planet Gorthon, 31 A.D.?

Kind of light porn, but I don't even want to go into it.

What's all this? You try out for the Village People?

Be careful, I'm thinking about adding pottery to that list.

Don't knock pottery.

Of all the things a grown man can do at the end of the day,

why would somebody come home and throw a pot?

If I tell you, will you drop the subject?

Please tell me. I'm dying of curiosity.

My marriage counselor's idea. My ex and I were on the rocks.

He said take up a hobby.

And that's it? That's it.

Why are you so crappy at it?

It's like you and work. I never took it that seriously.

Can I ask you something?Yeah.

Why'd you become a cop, anyway?

Because I was a shitty waiter.

You mean you were a better mime?

Yes, I was an excellent mime. Still am.

Would you like to see some of my miming skills?

I got the car. Don't worry.

[MUMBLING] See? Now my face is against the glass.

You can mime words too. Look, watch.

[MOUTHING] Fuck you.Okay.

I'm impressed.

There's a glass wall here.

Thanks for the ride.

It was good, we got a chance to bond, don't you think?

No. Not really.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

I never leave my lights on.

Surprise!

What did you do?

You don't like it?No, I don't like it.

We should call Don Johnson, tell him we found his apartment.

I don't know what you were thinking. I want it back. Now!

Okay, Mitch. Just relax, okay?

We didn't touch the pottery. We're giving you sex appeal.

Sex appeal? It looks like a gay porno star lives here.

Yeah, and here they are, right here.

Okay, you know what, Trey? Just stop.

You just can't change the place without my permission.

You don't have the right to do this. Get this dog out of here.

Uh, Powder's not mine, he's yours.

Mine? I don't want some dog. What is this?

He used to be a drug sniffer in the K-9 unit.

Yeah, he looks like a drug addict.

We brought him to make you more sympathetic.

An entire kennel is not gonna make him look sympathetic.

You want me to be sympathetic? Put my all my old stuff back.

Then I'll be real sympathetic. Until then, I won't be.

How can you say no to that face, Mitch?

I can say no very easily. No, Powder. Get out.

Hey, don't be like that. It's just a dog, man.

Come here, Powder. You're a good boy, aren't you?

[BARKING]Shit!

Shit.

Hey, maybe Mitch is right. Maybe get rid of the dog.

I don't know. I like his instincts.

Watch your ass, Powder.

Okay. Move it.

Jesus. Dispatch, this is Armor 323--

Go! Go!

Go.

[DISPATCHER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER RADIO]

TREY: This isShowtime One. We're on it.

Okay.

Okay, Annie, get the dish up. Julio, go!

That's definitely our gun.

Watch it!

Hey! Hey!

MAN: Let's go!Move it!

Whoa!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Damn! We lost picture!

Slow down!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Whoa!

[CRIES OUT]

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[CRIES OUT]

[GRUNTING]

Yo! There he is!

Hey, I got him. I got him.

Whoa!

Incoming!

Watch it! Watch it!

[HONKS HORN]

You getting this?Yeah!

Come on, jump.Jump, man.

Jump! Jump!

You gotta jump! Come on, now!

Come on, Mitch!Come on, do it!

Yeah.

[ALL YELLING]

Now that was some good hood-jumping.

You all right?

Yeah, you okay?

I think two drops of pee came out.

You're off the show, Sellars.

You're busted back on patrol.

Showtimeis over.

And we're screwed.

See you back on the tape, Top Cop.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

MAN: Being a police officer is not what you see on television.

You've been a cop for 28 years.

I've never seen you do anything like this.

Your showboating put this city at risk.

I expect that of Trey, you know better.

It just got-- It just escalated.

Mitch, it's over. Mitch, It's over.

Chief is pulling the plug on the show.

Good. Now I can finally get back to work.

No, you can't. You're off the case.

What?PR is having a heart attack.

This is worse than when you shot the camera.

If Vargas gets more of those guns on the street,

we're gonna be a hell of a lot worse off.

You blew it, Mitch.

Now, I'm relieving you of duty,

pending a full investigation.

Ah, come one.

What, do you want me to turn in my gun and my badge?

Ben, come on.

No, I just want you to go home for a few days.

till this shitstorm settles.

What the hell am I supposed to do at home?

I don't know. Read a book. Watch some TV.

Do your pottery projects.

[♪♪♪]

What?

What?

He's touching the pecker-cam.

There's a camera lens in each one of those eyes.

In my woodpecker?

He better not break it.

I told them no cameras.

I hope you got all of this. You hear me?

Huh? I hope you got it all.

Great. He broke it.

Sorry. I'll get you another one.

You gotta talk to him. He's got issues.

He hates cameras or something.

We're here to take the dog.

The dog stays here.We're under orders.

Technically he's a police officer.

If you touch him that would constitute assault

and I'd be forced to shoot you.

[GROWLING]

Go, go, go.

Good boy, Powder. Good boy.

Nobody will take you away from me.

Trey, forget Showtime,okay?

We'll do our own buddy cop show. All right?

I got this treatment worked out in my head.

I got it worked out in my head. Check it.

You're Nick Load, and I'm John Lock.

Nick who?Nick Load.

Nick--? I'm Nick Load?You're Nick Load. I'm John Lock.

Together, we're Lock and Load. Huh?

We are the baddest bicycle cops on Venice Beach.

Is that hot shit, or what?

Listen, George Clooney had 18 shows fail

before he hit big with ER.So you see?

I tell you, it's not just the show.

I don't wanna go back to being the guy

putting up the caution tape.

I was really starting to feel this detective thing.

Listen, you have heat on your acting career right now.

If you don't strike while the iron's hot,

it's gonna pass you by.

Whatever. I'm gonna go see this last episode of Showtime.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

You had your food. None for you.

MAN [ON TV]: You're off the show, Sellars. You're busted back to patrol.

What happens to Mitch? He's relieved of duty.

TREY: Mitch is my partner. Out on the streets,

he's the only person I can depend on.

Not my family, not my friends. Just him.

MAN: That's beautiful, Sellars. What do you want me to do?

TREY: If he's relieved, I should be too.

MAN: All right, if you want it, you're relieved too.

TREY: Okay.

I'm relieved, then. Okay.

Want my gun and badge?

Get the hell out of here.

All right.

[RINGING]

Who is this?

Uh, yeah, it's me, Mitch.

And what do you want?

Are you watching the show?

No, I'm not watching. It's ancient history for me.

It's a new day, new way.

Yeah, me too. I'm just eating a TV dinner.

So, what's up? What you call for?

I just, you know...

I wanted to tell you that, uh,

what you did was...

What you did was a pretty standup thing and

if you take that detective exam,

I'm there for you if you need anything.

You know, questions or whatever, I'll be around.

You really think I make a great detective?

Well, I think you'd make an okay detective.

[LAUGHS] Let me get that on my machine.

I'm gonna hang up.

No. Quick question.

You think maybe you could

make me a pair of those shitty-ass mugs that you make?

You gotta be kidding.

Hey, all right, relax. I'm just joking, man.

No, something on the show.

Oh, so you are watching the show.

Yeah.

I'm watching it too. What did you see?

I think I just saw Charlie Hertz,

who works for ballistics.

That's the guy you were talking to outside Lazy Boy's.

Yeah. The only thing is I-I-I gotta see it again.

Don't worry, I'm recording it right now.

I record them all. I'm making my own box set.

Why am I not surprised?

Let me rewind this thing.

Hey, it is that guy, Charlie Hertz.

It is?It's definitely him.

Well, what the hell is he doing with Vargas?

[♪♪♪]

MITCH: Where are the lights?

TREY: Well, we definitely found our gun maker.

Yeah.

MITCH: This is definitely his workshop.

Look at all this shit.

Look at that. What happened to the good old days

when people used to just grew pot?

How about we star-69 his last call?

WOMAN: King Rental Trucks, may I help you?

Yeah, this is Detective Mitch Preston--

You mean the Mitch Preston? The one onShowtime?

The one on TV?That's me.

[SCREAMING] Oh, my God!

Calm down, we just need some information about a truck.

Did you rent one to a Charles Hertz?

Oh, I'll just check, honey.

Mm, as a matter of fact,

Mr. Hertz picked one up this morning.

He did? Was there a tracking device on it?

Yes, Mitch, there was.There was?

Uh-huh. Is Trey there with you? Can I speak to him?

Sure, here.

Trey? This Trey?Hey, hey, yeah.

[SHRIEKING] Oh, God, I love you, baby! Say, "Showtime."

All right. It's showtime! This bitch is crazy.

Okay, all right. Okay. Bye-bye. See how popular I am?

[♪♪♪]

All right, thanks.

We got a hit on the truck.

It's downtown at the Bonaventure.

What's going on there?Big ass gun show.

["BALLAD OF THE GREEN BERET" PLAYING]

♪ ...Upon their chest ♪

♪ These are men, America's best ♪

♪ One hundred men Will test today ♪

Nice guns.

Come on back.

It's okay.

[♪♪♪]

Thanks for the call.You find that footage?

Yeah, these are printouts.

I got it.Good luck.

Looks like you went out on a limb.

Yeah, well, I want to help.

Plus I need an ending for the final episode.

♪ ...the green berets ♪

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Excuse me.

Hello, gun lovers.

My name is Chase Renzi from the hit series Showtime.

[ALL CHEERING]

That's sweet. Very sweet, very sweet.

I'm here today because Showtimeneeds your help.

We believe these two men are in the building.

They are armed and extremely dangerous.

What the hell?

Hey, there they are.

[♪♪♪]

[PEOPLE YELLING]

Vargas!

[CRIES OUT]

Don't move.

Oh, shit!

Mitch!

MAN: Clear the hallway!

Guys, wait up!

MAN 1: Roger that.

MAN 2: Ghost 3, Bonaventure Hotel.

[SEVERAL TALKING RADIOS]

Listen, why don't I go up and make a nice list of demands?

Get in there.I can help you here.

Get in!Okay. Calm down.

Take it easy, all right? Just take it easy!

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

Vargas? There's no way out.Get going.

I've got a list of demands.

Well, let us in so you tell us what your demands are.

All right. But first, slide your weapons in here.

What did you say?

I don't know. What?

First slide your weapons in here.

[WHISPERS] Say what?

What'd you say?You don't understand English?

Huh?Slide in your weapons.

[WHISPERS] Oh, slide the weapons. It's okay. I got a backup.

Guys, hold on. I gotta change the tape.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah, I am.

What are you doing?TREY: Shut up.

Mitch, no.

Did you hear me?

Hold on.What are you doing?

Don't do that. Man!

I've got a list of demands.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see those news choppers out there?

We're hooked in live.

We have a cameraman out here

so you can give him your list of demands.

You can tell the world what you want.

Yeah.

Okay. Throw in your weapons.

Here they come.

Ready?

Okay. There are the guns.

Stay there.

Okay, easy.Stay there.

Okay. All right. Just take it easy.

Where is the cameraman?

He's afraid. So he's staying out there.

We don't wanna put anybody in danger,

so Detective Preston is gonna do all the shooting.

MITCH: I'll do it.

You ever been on TV before?

Okay, it's very simple.

All you have to do is look at the red light.

Look into the lens and tell the people what's on your mind.

You got him all lined up?

Yeah. Let's shoot.All right.

Okay. All right. It's showtime.

[CRIES OUT][GRUNTS]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Hey.

You okay?

[♪♪♪]

Mitch?

[CRIES OUT]

[SCREAMING]

Trey! Where are you?

TREY: I'm over here!

[MITCH CRIES OUT]

What are you doing? What are you doing?

TREY: Hold on!

[BOTH YELLING]

Oh, God!

[♪♪♪]

Now it's your turn to smile for the cameras.

MITCH: Get that camera out of here!

TREY: You keep that camera right where it is!

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

How do you like that?

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Annie, you deal with it, girl, go.

Hey.

Hey. What's going on with your new recruits?

I'm tired of your voice. You're on my last nerve.

They're not bonding like we bonded.

Yeah, they don't have that special chemistry we have.

No, they certainly don't.

Which is why the two of you ought to guest star

in the next episode. Show them how to do it.

No way. Not in a million years.

I think that means yes.

I know that means yes, Trey.

And believe me, I'm working on him.

I love you.

See you at 8, Mitch.

Very nice. Look at what you get.

Look at that. What do I get?

Nothing. I'm going to work.

Here, here.

I made you something. For passing the detective exam.

Ah, man, that is nice of you to do that.

Oh, Mitch, that's nice.

What is that?

What the hell is it? It's a loose change dish.

Oh, yeah, o-of course it's a loose change dish.

Of course, I just haven't seen this level of craftsmanship

since back in the kindergarten days.

It's appreciated, partner. Thank you.

Detective Sellars, Preston,

your suspect is in the interrogation room.

Yeah, I'll be right with you.

I like the sounds of that: "Detective Sellars."

That has a nice ring to it.

Come on, Top Cop, it's showtime.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Hi. I'm Detective Mitch Preston.

No!

I'm sorry, I can't.

Book 'em, Danno.

You're under arrest! You under arrest, mother [BLEEP]!

I'm sorry.

Oh.

This Preston character needs to come to life.

He doesn't have any balls.

Well, he has balls.

They gotta come out. You know?Well...

Bada-bing, bada-boom, balls.

Do you feel lucky, punk?

Who said that?

Miami gente!

I know you know, Mitch. I know you're gonna see this--

MITCH: Get that camera out of here!

[LAUGHING]

Could you come a little closer?

I'm sorry, I did the wrong thing.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey.

Oh, shit.

[CHUCKLES]

Wrap me up in caution tape?

Look, what are you gonna do?

Wrap me up in caution tape, Cop Top? Cop Top.

You don't think we're-- Blah-blah-blah.

Can you say that in Ebonic!

I'm tired.

Who are you?I'm Annie.

You need a daddy?

[LAUGHS]Yes or no?

[CHUCKLES]Bill.

"Oh, Bill." That's what I get now.

It used to be "Oh, yeah," now it's "Oh, Bill."

It's showtime!

It's showtime.

MITCH: Get that camera out of here!

[LAUGHING]

[SHAGGY'S "SHOWTIME" PLAYING]

♪ Won't you show me What you need ♪

♪ 'Cause it's showtime ♪

♪ Show me what you're doing ♪

♪ Show me what you got for me ♪

♪ That's right ♪

♪ I like how you wear a dress ♪

♪ You taught me how to see ♪

♪ 'Cause it's showtime ♪

♪ Won't you show me What you mean ♪

♪ Show me what you got for me ♪

♪ You claim your the boss And that you're gonna sing ♪

♪ Won't you show me What you mean ♪

♪ 'Cause it's showtime ♪

♪ Show me what you mean ♪

♪ Show me what you mean ♪

[SHAGGY'S "SWINGIN'" PLAYING]

♪ Shout it ♪

♪ Latrelle make it up ♪

♪ Mmm-mmm ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Gonna be Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna Hold me back ♪

♪ Wanna go Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Gonna be Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna Hold me back ♪

♪ Wanna go Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ They call me the wildest Around this ♪

♪ Ready your highness ♪

♪ The finest Maybe you try to deny this ♪

♪ So many stars And they just can't find us ♪

♪ Need a tune? Call me up and I advise this ♪

♪ Want hits? Call the zeros and fives ♪

♪ Some prize lists ♪

♪ Tell them I'm the nicest ♪

♪ Make it the broader Reap the reward ♪

♪ Carry it a yard I take what I want ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Gonna be Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna Hold me back ♪

♪ Wanna go Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Gonna be Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna Hold me back ♪

♪ Wanna go Hollywood swinging Swinging ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Gonna get me the chance ♪

♪ Showtime, baby ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Soon as I get me The chance ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Soon as I get me The chance ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Soon as I get me The chance ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Girl what you need ♪

♪ Is not as long as destiny ♪

♪ It's time for me ♪

♪ I'm getting where I need to be ♪

♪ Clear to see ♪

♪ They try to make it Hard for me ♪

♪ But then again My mind is free ♪

♪ I check my rhythm ♪

♪ Rhyming just To let you know ♪

♪ Throw the blow ♪

♪ Sick and move much to slow ♪

♪ And broke the fall ♪

♪ And feeling I got late To the show ♪

♪ I got a goal on my mind Gotta now let it go ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Gonna be Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna hold me back ♪

♪ I wanna be Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Soon as I get me the chance ♪

♪ Gonna be Hollywood swinging ♪

♪ Ain't nobody gonna hold me back ♪

♪ Wanna go Hollywood swinging Swinging ♪

♪ I'll take the bite ♪

♪ There's something wrong ♪

♪ Now we now start trying, You know ♪

♪ Oh, nothing, you know ♪

♪ Ah, leave us, you know ♪

♪ Ah, now for life ♪

♪ While we now go rich, You know ♪

[♪♪♪]