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SPRING RESIDENCE

The title on three columns.

-Is the article on inflation ready? -Yes, it's ready.

Pirchi, when you do the sports column remember to highlight the Roma team.

-Too much coffee is bad for you. -It's only my fifth.

-What is your name? -Reda.

Good girl. You're well-supplied!

-Good morning. Is there anything for me? -Good morning.

-A letter. Pink and Black column. -Thanks.

Did you see her? More and more vain.

-She's no big deal. -She thinks she is hot stuff.

Look at her.

PINK AND BLACK

-Giorgetti? -Yes.

What time is the meeting tonight?

At "tits" thirty. Just kidding! At eight thirty.

Very funny!

"Fourth divorce for Christina Onassis."

"Bo Derek future mother."

"Alexander creates a new hair style for Mrs. Thatcher."

Very interesting!

Hello? Patrizia Reda, Pink and Black.

-I am the editor-in-chief's secretary. -The secretary?

-Yes, miss. -What is it?

-You must do the front-page article. -Me?

-Yes, you. -I am ready.

Take notes. Canadian prime minister, Trudeau…

Prime Minister Trudeau…

-…is in the Bahamas… -…in the Bahamas.

…having a fling with Caroline of Monaco.

With Caroline of Monaco? Are you sure?

It's an ANSA communication.

Thank the editor for trusting me.

She totally fell for it!

Alberto, come, let's eat something.

Yes, let's go.

-At the snack bar downstairs. On me. -All right. As you wish.

Giorgetti, speak up! I asked you to read my article…

CEO

…because I am interested in your opinion.

I think it's a bit heavy. It'll collapse the government.

Let it collapse. They'll get up and form another one. Who cares?

One more, one less.

-Chief? -Just a moment.

Which is better? "Bettino, the pest" or "Ali Baba and the 40 thieves"?

-They'll sue us. -We're collapsing the government.

-They'll sue us just the same. -We'll counter-sue them!

We'll counter-sue…

What do you want?

-I did everything. -Everything, what?

The piece on Minister Trudeau and Caroline of Monaco

together in the Bahamas.

-They played a trick on you. -I think so too.

Excuse me. Who are you?

-Patrizia Reda, sir. -Do you work here?

Yes. I work in the Pink and Black section. Marriages, births--

I know my own newspaper.

How could I give you an article for the front page?

After six months I'd hoped to show what I was worth.

Right! How stupid! I was forgetting.

Who cares if I can write? What matters is groping me.

The first rule in journalism is that low blows are allowed.

Giorgetti, that's nonsense!

Nonsense? I have a right to be respected like the others!

Get back to work. Starting from the bottom won't hurt you.

I've already done that.

I won't move unless you assign me an article!

You will move. You interrupted an important meeting.

We're collapsing a government! Get out!

-Don't touch me! -The next time, knock.

There won't be a next time. As of this moment, I have resigned!

-Is something the matter? -Everything is fine. I quit.

What? That is serious. Why?

At this highly intellectual paper,

they only see me as a Playboy bunny!

I'm tired of talking and people looking not at my face, but below it!

Reda, besides being head of the internal commission,

I've always been Democratic and a feminist.

If you had problems, you could have talked to me.

I'd have given you a hand.

On my rear end, I imagine.

I am a serious person. I was even in the Resistance.

Help me. I just want to work. Get them to assign me an article.

Sure, don't worry.

We'll go out to dinner and see what field you work best in.

Afterwards we could go to your place and drink something.

Your house would be better. My wife could misunderstand.

Yes, she could misunderstand.

Dear Pavesi, thank you. Our conversation was enlightening.

You ended up being a worm too, and now I know something.

You don't deserve my resignation. You want war? So be it!

I'll fight with my weapons!

No, Eminence.

You know the political stance of my paper.

It is very delicate.

-Other times-- -Chief!

I asked you to knock. Not you, Eminence. Excuse me!

A jerk came in without knocking. Didn't you quit?

Eminence, maybe we should meet in private.

Certain things on the phone, in times like these…

Maybe the two of us can go out for dinner.

I have a proposal for you.

Would you come to bed with me?

Would you come to bed with me?

No… Eminence, excuse me. I didn't mean you. I would never…

Excuse me?

Thank you. I am-- I am flattered, but…

I can assure you that… there's been a misunderstanding.

We can avoid talking about it, Eminence.

If there's something I have a specific opinion on, it's just that.

All right. See you soon. Say hello--

He hung up! You are crazy! You know who I was talking to?

To someone who wants to go to bed with you.

I asked you to knock!

I asked if you wanted to go to bed with me. Didn't you hear?

I did. I'm not deaf.

Well?

Just a moment. Let me think.

Being seen as an object at my age…

seems ridiculous.

So it's a no?

I'd say no.

I see. You're afraid of failing.

-Goodbye. -Shall we make it tonight?

No, in a week.

You're busy every night?

Yes, but it's not what you think.

I'll be writing the article you're about to assign to me.

No. Which article? What's that got to do with it?

-Weren't we talking about-- -You see?

Even intelligent people like you

still believe in the old equation that beautiful equals stupid.

I want to show you, dear editor-in-chief,

that a beautiful woman isn't necessarily stupid.

She can have a brain and be good at her profession.

To convince you, I must have faith in myself, right?

-And so? -So…

-I propose a bet. -What?

You assign next week's most important article to me.

I will write it and then we'll see.

If it's worthy of publication, I win. If not, I lose…

and I'll go to bed with you. What do you say?

I say you're naive, my girl.

Even if you wrote the best article in the world, I'd reject it.

I couldn't miss out on a chance like this.

I won't assign an article to you and we'll go to bed right away.

How about tonight?

You are the naive one.

You don't think I thought of that too?

You won't be the one judging it, someone higher up will.

Nobody is higher up than me.

There must be someone you trust.

Yes, Orietta Fallani. I trust her blindly.

What shall we get her to do? A fashion article on summer-winter?

No, actually, I've thought of something more of a commitment.

Meaning?

A cover story.

We're talking about the cover? My compliments, miss!

If you don't think the article is good enough, we won't publish it.

Please be impartial.

Don't worry.

What would you like to do?

What about a survey on unwed mothers in the south after the earthquake?

Please, dear. Forget it! No sociology or feminism.

People are sick and tired of that stuff.

What Italians are interested in,

and they show it in the hundreds of letters that I receive,

is the usual old, dear, healthy, and unforgettable, good sex.

-Right, Eugenio? -Well said.

Sex in what way?

A survey on the ideal erotic adventure of the Italian male.

It's a topic that increases sales. It's only yours because he asked.

Thank you. If so, I'll start right away.

Listen, Eugenio.

Is there… a sheet under that cover?

-In what sense? -You want to go to bed with her.

Me? Are you crazy? With all the troubles I have…

Then why did you give her the article?

Make way for young people!

Hello? Mrs. Reda? This is your attorney, Pesci.

Your divorce is in effect as of this morning.

Goodbye. Thank you.

Hi. I'm the guy you don't know, but I know you.

I always see you at the tobacco shop. Are you getting undressed?

-Giorgio, are you talking to Mom? -Yes! Hi, Mom!

Bye. I have to leave you.

Hello? I dialed the wrong number, but you sound like hot stuff.

My name is Piero. I'm tall, dark haired and I never get tired.

My phone number is 346576, available at lunch and dinner time.

If you're not hot stuff, don't call.

"The ideal adventure of the Italian male."

The guy I met in Kathmandu was really cool!

I lived my ideal adventure with him. And yours?

I will be honest. My ideal adventure is a crazy trip.

I'm in India smoking, right?

Sandra was there too, she was smoking with me.

She passes the joint to me and I smoke.

I smoke again and then she wants to smoke again.

But I really want to smoke too. It ends up--

As usual, instead of screwing, we fall asleep.

No, for real!

Do you want to do a test on me in the erotic field?

-Yes, your ideal adventure. -What can I say?

A zookeeper is a man like any other.

You don't believe the nonsense that people say, do you?

That the kangaroo keepers mate with kangaroos, for example,

or that the penguin ones have sex with penguins.

It's all nonsense!

I am a monkey keeper. I should have a monkey lover.

I am an old-fashioned man. And I'm in love with my wife.

There she is. She is making herself pretty.

Cheetah, I bought peanuts. Are you happy?

She is so sweet!

In the erotic subconscious of the Italian male…

the libido takes on unexpected forms.

Shall we put the article on political party financing in this issue?

-Finish it, then I'll look at it. -All right.

-Bye. -Hi.

Well? Who wins the bet?

-For the moment all is going well. -Then it's not going well for me.

Are you an expert on the libido?

In what sense?

In a psychological way.

You want me to help you?

If you're having trouble, there's an encyclopedia in my office.

Thanks. Very generous of you.

No, it's not that. I know nothing about psychology.

Libido.

Hello?

Good day. I am Senator Kissinger's secretary.

I'm confirming the interview, but not for this evening, in a half hour.

The senator must leave for Tel Aviv.

All right. I'll notify Mr. Zafferi right away.

-Please be on time. -Good day.

4 PM INTERVIEW WITH SENATOR KISSINGER AMERICAN EMBASSY

The first rule in journalism is that low blows are allowed.

-Miss, you're not taking the car? -No. I don't want to risk a fine.

Taxi!

I just remembered that I didn't pay the car tax.

Hurry. American Embassy!

I am powerful at the wheel!

I drive amazingly!

I am a serpent in traffic

And I respect crosswalks

Why did you stop? Hurry. I said to go to the American Embassy.

Sorry. You weren't very precise.

Modestly speaking, I am fairly cultured. There are two Americas.

One is above and one is below. North America, South America.

You're talking to a taxi driver, not a balloon vendor.

I don't know if you realize that.

The American Embassy means the United States!

-They were united? When? -Who?

North America and South America. They removed the Strait of Gibraltar?

I'm in a hurry! I said American Embassy. Via Veneto!

Via Veneto, the Fellini one, La Dolce Vita,

I Vitelloni, The Belle Époque,

where Ekberg bathes in the Trevi Fountain. All right.

-You have to go towards the station. -All right.

The station, perfect. First gear scrapes a bit.

I am powerful at the wheel!

I drive amazingly!

I pass 100 in six seconds!

I am a maestro of screeching!

I will let you in on something.

I don't know the city very well. It's my first day as a taxi driver.

-But I studied the map. -Keep your eyes on the road!

Calm down. I do my job and you do yours, be a client.

I saw the city on the map,

but when I started out I couldn't understand a thing.

I asked him for advice.

He's a Maremma Sheepdog, he knows the streets.

He knows the Maremma ones, but in Rome, he knows nothing.

To get to Via Veneto I have to go by the station.

-Which station? -What do you mean?

Rome is full of stations! Tiburtina, Trastevere,

Ostiense, Tuscolana and the subway stations.

-Which station? -Termini station!

Say it clearly. I'm not a medium who can guess everything.

Tell me the street. I have a temporary mental block.

Termini station, near Piazza Esedra, please!

Piazza Esedra! Why didn't you say so?

It's a lovely square, very green, full of ivy, beautiful, very rustic.

I know it.

Piazza Esedra, not "Eden"!

Same thing. Don't be so finicky.

If we are late, don't say it was my fault. The people I have to deal with!

Why don't you go to the left?

I am in my lane. Look at the line! Look at it!

Don't you have eyes? If you don't like it, get out.

I won't let these Oriental southerners tell me what to do.

What did you say? Repeat that.

I understand, because I am international!

The taxi is yellow because of all the Chinese people I've run over. Move!

-Please! -They are busting my balls!

-Millions of hillbilly midgets. -I can't stand it anymore.

They wander about the city like locusts. They invade us!

Why are you honking, you jerk?

He called me a jerk?

Dracula, you've found blood for your fangs.

Come with me. I'll have you suck him dry!

Listen, you hot shot!

Look who I brought you! Look at the surprise. Listen!

My dog has white fur, but his eyes are bloodshot red!

Be careful.

His name is Dracula and his bed is a coffin

with four candlesticks on the side. And I'm putting it mildly!

Don't start arguing. I'm in a hurry.

Me, argue with him?

I'll split him open, pull out his guts and eat them!

I will get nourishment from his insides!

I will eat his guts.

I was saying…

I was just saying we're going to eat in a restaurant,

where they make great liver.

You want to come? We are going. If you want to come.

Come on, little Dracula. Come. Follow us in the bus.

-How much is it? -Twelve thousand liras exactly.

-Give me the change. -We don't give out change.

-That's fine! -Thank you.

-Eight thousand liras change? -That's right.

The client was in a hurry. I pleased her.

I screeched through the city at the limits of what man's capable of.

That's why I wanted to change its name.

Instead of Tango-1, I want to change it to Speedy-1.

Do you get it? Fangio-1. Dracula, we are like Fangio.

I'm sorry. Senator Kissinger left ten minutes ago.

It's you, Mr. Zafferi!

No, the senator left. I was explaining to Miss Reda--

Yes, sure. She is here.

Right away. Mr. Zafferi for you.

Thank you.

Hello? Yes, it's me. I came for the interview and--

You snatched up the interview with Henry Kissinger?

I'll have you expelled from the journalists' guild.

You didn't do the interview because you got there late?

My God, Reda! Do you want to see me dead?

Via Morgagni, La Settimana.

-You again? -Destiny is strange.

I was first. I know the way this time.

Because of you, I lost the interview with Kissinger.

You know Henry?

No. I would have if you hadn't taken me on a tour Rome!

Henry and I are good friends.

He is very nice, refined. He understands women, like I do.

-Stop it. Take me to the paper. -Okay.

We make a great couple! It's your first day driving a taxi

and it was the first time I could have had a great interview!

Journalist?

Yes. One who arrives late for an interview with Kissinger.

It's not the end of the world or a Greek tragedy!

Catch a big jumbo jet and go to America!

-You are really something! -Yes, I am a hit with women.

I have a lot of charm. I am also cosmopolitan.

I like talking to the clients.

I like talking with my clients, investigating.

Why were you going to see Kissinger? What did you want to ask him?

I am doing a survey to ask Italian men

what their ideal adventure is, from an erotic point of view.

They gave Kissinger honorary Italian citizenship.

-So I wanted to ask him too. -A scandalous topic.

You investigate the vices

and dirty behavior in the minds of Italian pigs.

You understand!

I'm not saying it's the same thing, but… you want to do an interview?

You flatter me. I accept.

I'd like to know what your ideal erotic adventure is.

I'm a bit embarrassed. Let's say it is rather mystical.

My dream is that I have a small accident in my taxi,

without ruining it, and being hospitalized after the accident.

Once in the hospital, a nun shows up in my bedroom.

She is an apocalyptic beauty,

with a face that is Islamic and absurd at the same time.

Our eyes meet with a sensual and animalistic emotion.

The nun loses control of her body

and begins to undress.

She takes off her garter belt, slips off her stocking.

She slips off her stocking!

Where am I? Where are we? What is this? A flying saucer?

I see sub-natural beings! The Incredible Hulk!

Baron Causio! Sbirulino!

Just a moment. This is a hospital.

So my dream is coming true! I am actually in a hospital.

-Does it hurt here? -No.

-Here? -No!

-They said I could go! -I'll do one last check.

-Does it hurt here? -No.

-Here? -No.

Not even here? Does it hurt here?

-No! -No?

Does it hurt here?

No.

I think it does now. Keep your hands to yourself, idiot!

I hear footsteps. It's the nun.

I can already see her, so beautiful, with a porcelain face.

I feel her close to me

ripping off her habit.

I feel a certain churning inside

and we start doing it.

Wake up, child!

Pull yourself together. Wake up.

My God! It's the hospital monster! Back off, Saragat!

What would the paper do without me? You are a bureau of imbeciles!

Giorgetti, you have to go to school!

This is your stuff.

Throw your article in the toilet! You're a beginner!

All right.

It's your fault. You just see what's going to happen to you!

I already lost the survey. What else can he do?

Open your ears, Reda.

If you're going to say that I'm fired, say it softly. You've hollered all day.

-Stop it. I changed my mind. -In what sense?

A journalist who lets an interview with Kissinger get away

is crazy or a lost cause.

She could just be unlucky.

Yes, but whoever bets with her is lucky, because he's sure to win.

-So the bet is still valid. -I can continue the survey?

Yes. I am free Saturday evening.

The bet will end in four days.

-I know. It's all I can think of. -I can imagine.

By the way…

going to bed without getting to know each other better

isn't actually that nice.

I was thinking about something. Let's go out to dinner tonight.

Let's go out to dinner tonight.

It's the sentence that has always persecuted me.

It arrived right on time!

Yes, dinner!

Because what matters is what comes later.

You, who are so sure about what comes later,

would prefer to have the later before.

You never know! Isn't that so?

Tell me something.

After provoking, attacking, and being unpleasant,

thinking you could become not an emancipated, but a liberated woman,

do you always end up having dinner by yourself?

You tell me something.

When you work late in the evenings at the paper,

do you always wait for your women collaborators to take them out to dinner?

Actually, when I invite a woman to dinner, I have a fixed idea.

-What is that? -That I'm hungry.

-And so? -I'm hungry too.

Hey, splendor! I must talk to you.

Excuse me.

Why did you say you weren't in?

I'll explain. Come here. I'll be right back, Reda.

Excuse me. Here, in my office.

I told you never to come here. And don't call me "splendor"!

But you are splendid!

-Why are you here? -I have to pay my rent.

Then pay it!

-Give me the money or I'll tell Mom. -Let's forget about that lunatic.

I hate giving her money every month.

You give one million to her and only three-hundred-thousand to me,

you daughter! Why?

I ask myself that, too. Where is my check-book?

-She could pay your rent. -Dad, out with the money.

What did I do to deserve such a crazy wife,

and a scatterbrain daughter.

Modern. I don't care about money.

You don't care about me. I pay and you never give me satisfaction.

Look at how you dress! You look like a big slut.

So what?

Excuse me. A gentleman wants to see you. I let him in. He insisted.

Please, not him again!

Tell him that I am busy. I don't want to see anyone. Thanks.

Thank you, splendid. When I call you, be there.

Yes.

-You are always generous with me. -All right. Bye.

Let's meet up more often. Bye!

Excuse me, Reda. Shall we go? I've gotten hungrier.

If you invited me because you thought I was eating alone, you're wrong. Bye.

-Don't insist. She won't see you. -We'll see.

-Dear! Here I am! -You see?

-I came to be forgiven. -How lovely!

Orchids and gladioluses, a mixture. Pretty?

Dear, where are you taking me to dinner?

I'm taking you to dinner?

-Wherever you want. -I see that you feel better.

I'm a bit limp, but I feel better. The doctor said I am recovering.

I could go to the Spain World Cup.

-Oh, yes? -But as a spectator.

-If you don't mind… -Please, do so.

-Reda, will you introduce… -With pleasure.

-My editor-in-chief and my friend… -Duccio.

She doesn't remember the name because it is dodecaphonic.

It's hard to pronounce.

You should be jealous of him.

I should be jealous?

He insisted on taking me to dinner.

Did he use the bombing technique?

-The lady is so pretty. -Pretty?

She is a knockout, out of this world!

You are in the newsstand business,

couldn't she be on the cover of that famous magazine…

"Voga"!

-Vogue? -Yes, that one.

-Sir! Mr. Zafferi, the car keys. -Thanks, Antonio. Good night.

Well, enjoy.

What an libidinous car!

-If you want a ride-- -Thanks. The taxi is waiting for us.

You're right to take a taxi. There's too much traffic.

I ride in a taxi from morning till evening.

It costs a bit of money, but it is enjoyable!

Well, have a nice evening. Goodbye, Mr…

Duccio! It's a tongue twister.

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

Don't worry. You'll have a lovely evening. Let me guide you.

When I take a woman out to dinner, I don't take her just anywhere.

I know where to go and what to do.

Boy, does he screech!

Awesome! What a car! It's a boulder!

Anyway, the dinner takes place in the following way.

We go to a Romanian restaurant,

where there's a Sardinian owner and a Greek-Slovak cook.

They make high level food, very spicy.

After that, we go to the room,

because after a meal like that you have to lie down.

Duccio? Thanks for the flowers.

Thanks for the flowers? She dumped me! Like Nilla Pizzi!

I'll just get a pizza by myself tonight!

But I hate pizza!

-I see you're a journalist. -Yes.

-You do interviews? -Yes.

On TV?

-No, no. -I have an ideal adventure.

Nice! Go on, tell me.

Can I say it? It's a dirty fantasy.

-Go ahead. That is why I am here. -Can I?

-You know what red light districts are? -Yes, yes.

I'd like to go to a red-light movie, those dirty ones.

I sit down and that naughty actress sits next to me.

You can imagine what happens next!

-What happens next? -Like in the movies.

That bad girl says a lot of dirty things to me, I get excited,

-and like a pig, I say to her-- -You old fart!

-What did you think? -I'll show you!

-Get out, you bitch! -I was just kidding!

You dirty scum!

-My dear, what can I say? -Be honest, please.

It certainly isn't one of Hemingway's 49 short stories.

You started off on the wrong foot. What does it mean?

Fruit vendors, boxers, people without mystery or fascination.

Mrs. Fallani! Come. New Delhi on the direct line!

Finally, India has honored us!

Dear, look. Go interview people who work with their imagination.

Maybe a sculptor, a novelist,

a philosopher, a film director!

CINESPETTCOLO - BRIAN DE PINO THE ITALOAMERICAN MASTER OF THRILLER

WHO LIVES IN THAT COFFIN? B. DE PINO

Mr. Brian de Pino?

-Miss Reda? -Yes, that's me.

Thank you.

-You're that journalist. -Yes.

-Sit down. -Thank you.

Don't be amazed by me renting this strange house.

I rented it to be able to write in the right atmosphere

for my next horror movie entitled

The Ghost of the Dragon in the Zombie House Basement.

I confess that I am excited.

I couldn't believe that you agreed to meet me.

In America I am very, very, very private.

In Italy I like talking to journalists.

You want a sniff?

-No, thank you. -I do. I'll have a nice line.

Because I…

I am used to Hollywood. We always sniff there.

Darn America! But I like it.

Baby, do you want a drop of French champagne?

Not when I work, thank you.

Then I'll make a toast!

In Hollywood we always drink French champagne, night and day.

In Beverly Hills we're always drunk. Darn America with that French champagne!

Darn France!

Enough champagne. Just beer!

I'll call my friend Fassbinder and he'll send it. Come on, ask questions.

I'd like to ask the great Italian American director

what his ideal adventure is.

My ideal adventure is to have a beautiful woman come to my house,

an unknown journalist…

during a rainy evening.

You are sexy, very sexy

You're very funny, but can we speak seriously?

My ideal adventure is to…

Understand, baby? A dead hand, very dead.

Please! Our interview ends here.

Where are you going, baby?

Where do you think you're going?

Great scene! Baby tries to desperately run away.

I want to get out!

"Says the woman when she realizes she can't leave the house."

-Let me out! -Calm down, baby.

You asked me what my ideal adventure is.

I said it was to be locked up at home with a woman journalist.

The doors and windows are all locked.

We are alone, baby, isolated from the world.

That's my ideal adventure!

I'll call the police! I'll report you, scoundrel!

-Scum, hoodlum! -Brian's doll!

Go on! I like to hear bad words.

Tell me I'm a son of a bitch!

There! How dare you? You're a pervert!

-Give me the key. I want out! -Slap me again, please.

You are crazy, you are crazy!

"She was lured into the house and left her life there."

"She was lured into the house and left her life there."

-Did you say I was crazy? -Me? No!

-You said crazy! -I was kidding. I would never!

Hello? 113?

It's an emergency. A lunatic has taken me prisoner. Come to Via--

Were you worried about me?

Did you miss me, baby?

What!

-Where are you? -Damn it!

That jerk had to come back from the festival now!

Mrs. journalist, you have to get me out of trouble.

We'll tell De Pino that thieves broke everything.

De Pino? Then who are you?

I am Pippo, the housekeeper, the driver, and a first-class actor!

Where are you, idiot? Come out!

You want to be an actor and can't even be a housekeeper!

You are terrible! I'll never let you work!

You are terrible!

I am better than Brando. De Niro is nothing compared to me!

I am a cool actor. Did you see how I did Nicholson?

That jerk won't let me work in his movies.

Where are you going?

-I am an amazing actor. -You're just a monster.

Mrs. journalist! I just wanted to have a quickie.

I didn't want to kill you!

All I needed was this idiot!

-Who are you? -Patrizia Reda.

I'm a journalist. I came to interview you.

I don't do interviews!

Your housekeeper told me to come.

-Who? Pippo? -Yes, him.

-I'll sue you! -Please, be good to me.

-No. You will be good for me. -You won’t do what he did, will you?

Him? I'm a genius!

-That's why I wanted to interview you. -Interview me?

The most I could do is have sex with you in a coffin!

Pippo was right when he said that you're a jerk!

He said I am a jerk? Pippo, you'll pay for this!

I'm coming with a whip, I'll make your ass red!

It's only three days away.

-I put champagne in the fridge. -I don't like it.

-I have some good soda. -You drink it.

-La Settimana. May I help you? -Pass me to someone from editing.

Right away. Hold on.

-Good-day. -Listen to what I'm about to say.

The grand maestro of the P3 loggia has returned to Italy

and wants to reveal his identity.

It would be an exclusive interview for your paper,

so we want maximum secrecy.

The appointment is tonight at the Cavalieri Hilton Hotel.

I don't know if I was right in disturbing you.

Of course you were. That is why we record our phone calls.

You had him talk to Reda! What for? Were you sleeping?

Go on!

I'm sorry, miss. There's been a misunderstanding.

-You're not the grand maestro? -Yes. You're not Orietta Fallani.

-What has she got to do with it? -I want a great journalist.

I can only reveal my identity to Fallani.

Your name does not offer any guarantees. I can't remove my hood.

-Do you think I'm a rookie? -No!

One of those pretty girls who go around the studios

dealing with cuisine, fashion.

You're wrong!

I will do the article for the cover of the next edition.

What is it about?

An important sociological and customs survey.

What a bore!

Has old Eugenio gone senile?

-You know my chief? -I've known him forever.

A very intelligent man. A genius I would say.

Brilliant is excessive.

Are you sure?

Surprised?

Eugenio Zafferi is a genius!

No, Eugenio Zafferi is someone who plays idiotic jokes!

Come on, Reda! Don't get too conceited.

Could I have assigned such an important interview to you?

The paper comes before anything. Come.

-Where? -Come.

Look. Come on!

But no! But-- But--

It's crazy! Are you the grand maestro?

Come on, Reda! What did I do to you?

-You are a monster! -Don't exaggerate.

PRISTINE MAIDENS' GATHERING

Okay, I made a mistake!

What can I do to be forgiven? Get down on my knees?

-What is going on? -What is that monk doing?

I won't go to bed with you!

Many women have gone to bed with me and they were satisfied!

What the heck!

I made you smile.

-Sister Caterina! -Sister Gertrude!

-Was I good? -You certainly praise yourself.

You're a genius, popular with women, you're funny.

I have some flaws. I am very distracted.

-I hadn't noticed it at the paper. -What did you notice?

Did anyone ever tell you that your eyes are beautiful?

Just one other person, when I was 18.

-He was big trouble. -Really? Why?

-Because I married him. -You are married?

-I've been divorced for three days. -I've been divorced for three years.

We found a number that connects us.

-You make me so angry. -I'm sorry.

-I have a stomach ache. -The only remedy is to eat.

-May I invite you to dinner? -It's a fixation!

-You really want to go to dinner? -I'd like that.

Finally, I find you, doll face. I need money. I'm pregnant.

No. She's kidding. Come here, Claudia.

Sorry, Reda. It's a private matter. I'll be right back.

Incredible! Don't call me doll face.

-Who is the father this time? -What a bore! He's a good boy.

-He steals? Unemployed? Takes drugs? -You talked to Mom?

-No. I guessed. -Dad, I'm sure I'll fix him.

Why? He is the ideal boy that a father wants for his daughter.

-So you're happy! -Yes…

Reda!

Reda!

-Wait! -Hurry! Via della Camilluccia.

Just a moment, Patrizia!

Look who is here!

-Good evening. -Good evening.

Destiny plays strange tricks.

I'll take advantage to say that the other evening you were very rude, ill-mannered.

I really mean it, ill-mannered.

I am sorry, but I can't explain it.

I demand an explanation that is convincing.

Yes, but don't get distracted. Try not to miss the street.

But you'll explain later.

Where do you live? Via della Camomilla, you said?

No, Via della Camilluccia.

-The one near Piazza "Eden"? -Not that again!

-It's not that one? -No, near Vigna Clara!

Vigna Clara, Eden, all strange things!

You are really touchy. Sorry if I say that.

-Is everything clear? -Yes, everything is clear.

It's easy to say everything is clear. You can give me any explanation,

but the other evening you treated me like a nobody

without even giving me what you made me imagine.

What did I make you think?

The Albanian restaurant with the spicy food

and the room upstairs for when you're stuffed.

You are very nice, but you'd better get that idea out of your head.

You said I was nice, cute…

Son of a bitch!

Good thing I'm nice. Just think if I was disgusting!

-Are you free now? -In what sense?

In the sense of coming to my home and having a drink.

Having a drink at your home? Look…

It's destiny, because I just finished my shift.

You're lucky. If you bet on the lottery, you'd surely win.

Shall we go? I won't hold you up for too long.

Not long at all.

If you change your mind and want me to stay longer… tomorrow,

a week, a month, just say so. I'll call and ask for a holiday.

I don't like being a guest that after a few days isn't wanted.

Not the kind of guest that won't ever leave.

All right. Now, you go home like a good boy.

-Good night. -Good night.

Excuse me. I am not a good boy.

You offered me a drink. I'm coming in, because I am a bad boy.

Great! Wired broadcasting.

Does this kind of residence have a bedroom too?

Not all of them do. You know that.

-It's there, but no alcoholic drinks. -Who gives a darn!

We'll have two glasses of water, nice big ones!

We'll gulp them down. It's good for the liver.

-This lovely liver… -What are you doing?

I'm taking what you hinted at.

-It's logical. -In what sense?

In the only sense. One way!

In the sensual sense, right?

Come on.

-You know what we'll do? -What?

-I'll go in there. -Where?

In the bedroom.

-And then… I will get undressed. -I'm coming too.

-No. It won't be a surprise! -What surprise?

How do you want me? In my bra, panties, garter belt?

Let me think… a mixture.

Put on everything that… The more stuff, the more fun.

-Right? -Right.

Feel that breeze!

I can already feel the libido inside of me!

How will I get him out of here?

Did you see her? She was overwhelmed by my charm.

Yes, you're a ladies' man, a handsome man.

Who, me? Yes. They've always liked you.

They like me very much. They nourish themselves on me.

Duccio, when she comes back naked, what will you do?

I'll take her, turn her over,

wrap her around me as if she were a python,

like a baobab serpent!

I'll nibble her all over

like a chicken bone.

Love, finally, you're back.

If I don't know where you are, I go crazy!

I want you; I desire you.

The idea that you have another man drives me crazy!

Yes, we're divorced, but watch out!

If I see you with another man, I could do anything!

I'll be right back, love.

Hurry! Run! If my ex-husband finds us, he'll kill you!

-My scarf! -Can you hear me?

Don't treat me like this. You know I'm crazy about you!

I am always at your disposal! Understand?

How many people are in there? It is a meeting for pigs?

If your husband wasn't here, I'd dive into the group!

SATURDAY 15TH SUBMISSION OF ARTICLE

Dracula, we'll come back here.

I saw a place of great depravation, great libido.

We have to come back. I'll get two sexy female dogs for you.

I saw two Great Danes and a hot Maremma Sheepdog!

I'll introduce you to her. We'll have a great time.

I called you in because our relationship cannot go on.

I can't resist. It's time I told you.

-You know what you are? A slut! -And you are a man.

Men have always desired sinful women.

Am I right, Roberto?

Silence, Rossella, for the love of God!

You men marry proper women and cheat on them with women like me.

You only confess your secret dreams to sluts .

Only with sluts do you talk about your depravations,

your ideal adventures.

Only with sluts do you talk about your depravations,

your ideal adventures.

POLICE

-Hello! -Let's go, beautiful. Come with us.

-Who? What are you doing? -Don't make a fuss. Come on!

-I am a journalist! -And I am Snow White.

Let's go to the station.

There's been a misunderstanding. I am in disguise.

My ideal affair is being with a transvestite in the police van!

-Come here! Come here! -No!

Give me a kiss!

Come here! Give me a kiss!

Wow! What a babe!

Go with the wind.

Go! I'm coming. Here I am!

I am tired of seeing people making out.

What are you doing, are you insane?

-I want to have fun today too. -Leave me alone!

You are my ideal adventure!

-Slow down! -Come on, beautiful!

My name is Patrizia Reda. I am a journalist.

I am Gigi the garbage man.

Hot stuff, hold on tight. The garbage man will take you to paradise.

No, please. Let me get off!

It's my life's dream. When will I ever find another knockout like you?

I hurt myself!

Having sex in an ambulance has always been my ideal adventure.

With the siren blasting! Wow!

No! Stop!

-Calm down. -Enough!

Come on.

If I see someone, I'll shoot right away.

-The noise came from here. -Let's go.

Look! These mannequins are knockouts.

This is to die for.

Look at those tits! They're better than the real ones.

Feel this plastic! It's like real flesh.

Just think, my wife looks like a hippopotamus!

Having sex with someone like her has always been my ideal adventure.

The miracles of oil derivatives.

Go for it!

What is it? What is happening to you?

Nothing. Maria, I had a nightmare. I dreamed I was a slut.

You call that a nightmare? A nightmare is being a maid like me.

You make good money if you're a slut!

My physical appearance wouldn't allow it, or I'd have been a slut too.

But if you are here…

-It's 11. -Eleven?

All right, very well.

Guys, the issue is closed!

Bye, Orietta.

You missed your chance, baby.

Yes, you really missed it.

You got the wrong idea if you thought you were going to put your ass in my armchair.

As Josephine Baker said, who was an expert in the field,

"Not all asses are intelligent." You need patience.

That's life!

You return to your stable and I fly to the stars.

You see this?

A plane ticket! I'm leaving in a few hours for India.

I have an appointment with Narendra Singh. You know her?

Yes, the famous medium.

It will be the biggest hit of my career!

Narendra will put me in contact with the great figures of the past.

I'll talk to Julius Caesar, Napoleon, Karl Marx, Stalin, and Marilyn Monroe.

This is my article.

What does it mean? I don't understand.

It means you won the bet. Aren't you happy?

I don't have what it takes.

The bet expired before I could write a decent line.

Maybe the topic wasn't up your alley.

I am not interested in today's Italian male.

He is crazy, weird, completely whacky.

I would have preferred writing about the Italian woman.

For example, I could have written that the Italian woman

is tired of only being considered for her physical appearance

and that her femininity is not in contrast with her intelligence.

Men should treat her like a person, not like an inflatable doll.

I'll show you that you are wrong!

When an Italian woman bets and then loses,

with her dignity and honesty she is ready to pay!

Perfect. What are you waiting to undress for?

-And you? -No. I am leading the game.

Besides, I like to look.

Please, you can begin. Take your time.

I'm not in a hurry.

I want to enjoy this moment.

I've been waiting for a week.

Meanwhile, I'd like to tell you something.

You should have asked for my advice.

I would have explained many things about the Italian male.

Yes, but go on. Continue.

That's it.

The Italian male is full of contradictions.

He is a coward, but also a hero, hateful, but also adorable.

He's a thief, but also honest.

The Italian male always talks about his best friend being a cuckold,

but then his best friend makes him a cuckold.

To the Italian male, women are sluts,

except his mother, his wife, his daughters.

He has some doubts about his sisters.

Yes, he is often a big scoundrel, but has a certain honesty…

and even dignity.

For example…

when he is in love, he'd never go to bed with the woman he loves…

just because he won a bet.

So you mean that…

nothing will happen now?

Exactly.

Don't you think that the dignity and honesty you talked…

about is something a man can have?

You don't think that a bet is just an excuse for a woman in love?

Who is it?

I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting anyone.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

What a bore! I can never live in peace! Who is it? What the heck…

We've been looking for you for two days.

It's useless to say you're not at the paper.

We know your tricks.

-Are you afraid of us? -I was in Milan.

-Please leave-- -You can't get off the hook.

-We have to clear things up. -In what sense? Where're you going?

-To what do I owe the honor? -We need money.

Again!

It's not a matter of helping anymore. This is blackmail!

-Splendor, you're the one who wanted us. -And now, you have to pay.

-We have to support you? -Goodbye.

Goodbye. That is an idea!

Patrizia!

-Handsome, where are you going? -We haven't finished yet.

-Did you think it would be that easy? -Enough!

Go to court, to parliament, to the senate!

I won't lose the only woman that I care about because of you!

It's a disgrace for a father to have three scatterbrain daughters like you!

How else can I say it?

Miss Reda isn't home. How many times do I have to say it?

Three, four, five, ten, until I am convinced, because I'm not.

You look like a liar! You have a liar's profile.

-She isn't home! -You be careful.

You are putting your hands on me.

I am going, otherwise you'd put your hands on me.

Thank God the dog has an appointment today.

-Do I have to tell you in Chinese? -In Chinese?

Don't count on it. I could answer you. Watch out.

Finally, I found you.

Patrizia!

-Duccio, let's run away. -Let me explain!

-He is getting closer! -Who cares!

I'll do something really cool.

I'll have him get closer and then I'll mock him!

Wait, wait. I have to hear the note to change.

Only when it's in tune with the engine.

Fasten your seatbelts! Make room!

My gosh! Look at what I'm doing!

Listen to that screeching!

I went past the sound barrier, the sound barrier!

Listen to it!

Listen to the screeching!

I steer the other way! And now the other way. Look!

I close in on the bend!

I am powerful! I am violent!

Wait, I'll change gear.

I'll massacre you with my driving!

Look at me! Look at how I trick you.

I'll fix you up good. I'm diabolical behind the wheel.

We finally got rid of him! Now I will go full speed!

Yes, but let's not do anything crazy!

-I'll sprint past 100 kilometers an hour! -Oh, God! Are you crazy?

No. I am in my natural element, pure speed.

Only in speed do I find myself!

-Stop! I don't want to die! -This isn't death, it's life.

I'll give you the thrill of driving blind!

I'll be led by my animal instinct. Like a bat with its radar!

Wow! What a crash, what an impact, what a blow!

Where am I? I've lost my orientation.

Where am I? Istanbul? Turkey?

Help…

-Take her to the hospital. -I am aching!

I have to go to India.

To the airport, to India!

PATRIZIA REDA INTERVIEWS MARX AND ENGLES!

-Go to the director. -Thank you.

Good day. I was told that Duccio Tricarico is hospitalized here.

Good day. Yes, next door.

Don't worry, my dear, everything's fine.

Finally, you came!

I'm here and you fly to India and become famous!

-Nobody worries about me. -The doctor says you are fine.

-You were lucky. -Oh, I'm lucky?

I thank the heavens for what happened to me.

I have been removed from the taxi drivers' guild,

my license was torn up and thrown in my face.

I'm in debt for three and a half million.

Physically, I've been reduced to a wet rag.

And he says that I'm all right?

If you go on like this, before I leave, I'll slit his throat.

I'll slit his throat.

I'm sorry. It was my fault.

If I hadn't made you speed, it wouldn't have happened.

Tell me something.

Do head on accidents, besides leaving you unharmed,

enrich you? Improve you?

My guardian angel cares for me.

Guardian angel? Mine hates me. He can't stand me.

Maybe because I never prayed as a child. He hates me.

-Things will be okay for you too. -No, I am ruined.

I'll be a hobo in the alleys around the station

like a fifth world loser.

I came to Rome to climb the social ladder.

Instead, I have to return to my hometown and be a farmer.

I wanted to return as a ruthless rich man, like the Count of Montecristo,

with a flashy girlfriend,

so the awful townspeople would die of envy.

Instead, I will return with my tail between my legs.

That was your ideal adventure, right?

JUST MARRIED

My lifetime dream is coming true.

Do we really have to go through with this nonsense?

As the beginning of our honeymoon, this is a bit strange, dear.

But I am in debt to Duccio.

It's a big act.

We'll make the townspeople believe that I am the groom

and then we'll leave.

We can't stay more than an hour.

My wife and I are leaving on our honeymoon!

-Don't worry. We won't stay long. -I hope so!

His hat.

-Eugenio? -Yes?

-Put on your hat. -A hat too! Don't exaggerate.

The hat is indispensable.

Every rich man has a driver with a hat. It's a touch of class.

Bravo! It's like Memory Lane.

As first citizen of our lovely town,

I welcome citizen Duccio and his beautiful wife.

As of today, citizen Duccio will be a part of our town's history.

One of our citizens returning to our town

is something for all you citizens to be proud of.

I am sorry I did not personally marry you.

-This calls for a toast! -Cheers to the newlyweds!

Everyone calm down.

Let's toast, citizens, and fellow townsmen,

to my dashing wife,

who brought a ray of sun, a lovely breeze to this…

Thank you. To this valley of tears!

We have to be honest. Lousy luck hovers over this town.

It has the key to the city, it's an honorary citizen.

-Let's not exaggerate. -Not exaggerate?

This place is forbidden to people under the age of 18.

It's twinned with Loch Ness, with the monster.

But there's only one monster there, whereas here there are loads.

In fact, tourists are starting to come.

So I'll say it once and for all, and repeat it,

you have been lucky.

I brought this knockout of a woman so you can mix your races.

You've been mixing with monsters, so monsters have always been born.

Try mixing with this curvy woman and we'll get something better.

I ask, as a reward for my work,

that the square of our leader Giuseppe Garibaldi,

as of today, be called Piazza Duccio benefactor.

Bravo, Duccio!

Kiss!

A kiss? I'll kiss the bride. Come here.

Holy Mary…

Look at those curves. What curves!

-Stop it. Are you crazy? -So fresh!

Let me enjoy my magic moment. Look at all this grace of God!

-Bravo! -All that grace of God!

Enough!

There is a limit to everything!

Coachman, go back to your place!

I said stop. This joke has lasted enough.

Is this Spartacus' revolt? The slaves breaking their chains?

Apologize to him immediately!

My wife, what is in your head? A hare?

Please, go to the stable and saddle three horses or you're fired!

-And I fire you! Let's go! -He is crazy.

How embarrassing! I was put to shame.

The bride's running away with the driver on her wedding day!

Outrageous!

I'll break your leg!

I'll break your knee!

Were we maybe too hard on that poor guy?

-Why? -We ruined his ideal adventure.

My dear, don't you think it's time we thought about ours?

By the way, you're the only person I didn't ask.

-What? -What is your ideal adventure?

You can't imagine? I've been a journalist for a lifetime.

I'm the editor-in-chief of a magazine and…

-Well? -Wait till we get to Capri.

Then you'll see.

No! Mr. Zafferi doesn't want to be disturbed until after tomorrow.

After tomorrow the flowers will wilt in my hand!

I was a slave to circumstances and I must apologize.

I said no! The hotel's reputation is at stake.

And isn't my reputation at stake too?

-I care more about my name, a lot more! -Be quiet!

Doorman, are you protecting the door? You think you're Zoff?

I'll hit a penalty kick into your femur and ruin your career.

Be quiet! You want to disturb a couple on their honeymoon?

Is this your ideal adventure?

What were you expecting? I'm an editor-in-chief!

We'll look for a paper to read all night.

So let's see what we have here.

Corriere della Sera, too traditional.

La Repubblica, always polemic.

Il Tempo, too right wing.

Paese Sera, too left wing.

L'Osservatore Romano. That's not a good idea.

24 Ore. There's not enough time.

I'd say no.

Stop.

I won't stop.

Mickey Mouse is left.

What can I say? It may be a return to childhood.

But I only like that one!

Good old Mickey Mouse!

Come on! He's reading Mickey Mouse with that chick in bed?

You know what? She doesn't deserve flowers.

I'd rather you have them. For people like you.

It is inconceivable!

And then they complain about there being a housing problem.

They complain about drugs in schools.

They complain that when you protest in the square, it provokes violence.

He reads Mickey Mouse with the hot chick in bed!

This is a mystical, religious and traditional crisis.

It is sacrilegious!

For example, just look at yourself.

You are disgusting, you look like a zombie.

Who did this to you?

The un-civilness of customs, "customism."

Consequently, violence is triggered, violence in the stadiums,

in marketplaces, in churches, in amusement parks,

in fruit vendor shops, at the barber's,

violence in shoe factories, in mountain climbing, in tailor shops,

in grocery stores, among the garbage men,

in the world of deep-sea diving, in the horse world.

Violence, violence, always violence, more and more violence.