Original subtitles

[Narrator] I love you.

Previously on Please Understand Me.

- I was on a date with my then-girlfriend.

- He was on a field trip with a child.

Anyway, I put two scoops on the (beep) cone.

I licked it, and I gave it to him, and he took it.

So then I dumped that bitch for him.

- There was a point where it turned from,

her energy became intense, and then it became mean.

There was a transition, like she refuses to acknowledge

that I even have a penis.

I have told her why I am unable to orgasm.

I have been taking anti-depressants--

- It's an excuse.

You go out, you make the money, and you come home,

and you bust a nut.

What woman you gonna ever date got two pinky rings on, huh?

I handles business.

- You see where this hurts.

- I do.

- Wow, look at you guys, whoa.

Oh my goodness, look at you both, how amazing is this?

How far along are you?

- About seven months, yeah.

- That's amazing.

How are you feeling?

- I'm feeling great, as long as he lets me do

whatever I wanna do, everything goes smooth.

- Yup, that's a good rule for being pregnant, yes.

- Yes it is.

- It's a good rule.

- What did you want to add, Ahamed?

- He better tread lightly.

- It's not that I don't want her to do what she wants.

Some things I think are health risks for the child.

- And you feel in protective mode for both mom and baby.

Of course, that makes perfect sense.

- Just basic, you know, you shouldn't drink so much

when you're pregnant.

- And you shouldn't judge so much when I'm pregnant.

I don't understand, okay?

He do what he do, I do what I do.

I have my ritual, every morning, I get up, I yawn,

I meditate, I talk to the universe,

I take the positive energy, I suck it all in,

I take the negative energy, and I push it on out.

And then I have me a nice big glass of red wine and a steak.

- Not too much wrong with that, Ahamed.

I'm sure you've checked with your doctor,

a glass of wine won't harm the baby.

- See?

- It's more than a glass.

It's actually a full bottle.

She bought a very large glass

so that she could bypass that rule.

- If it can fit in the glass, get off my ass.

Okay, so first of all, we always getting in an argument

because he's a vegetarian veterinarian,

and all I do is take his money and buy meat with it.

But I don't care, because I love meat.

I love animals, too, that's why I eat them.

I do love to drink my wine, don't get it twisted,

but I love my hot dog juice.

And he don't like to say it, but he low-key love

when I drink the hot dog juice out the weenie package,

because I like to take it,

I like to get a eight pack of wieners,

I take all the wieners out, and I love that little liquid

down at the bottom of it.

And sometimes you gotta add a little vinegar to it,

then you suck it out that bag, like a bag of potato chips.

Them little crumbs?

They're so good.

It makes me wild, he likes it.

- It's terrifying.

Anyway, I wanna raise the child vegetarian--

- No.

While that baby's in my ass, he eat what I eat.

- Mmm.

- He in my ass!

- She is, you know, I want to have a say

in how the child is raised.

I want the child to be Jewish.

- No.

- I am willing to do Christmas.

I want to put the child through Montessori school--

- Mont...

We're not sending our child to Missouri.

What's in Missouri?

- Montessori.

It's a type of school, it's more hands-on--

- Oh, now you trying to tell me I don't know my states.

- Let's talk for about two minutes, I saw you guys glowing,

come on, tell me what's working.

Do I see rings on your fingers?

- Yes.

- Oh my goodness. - We did get married.

- We got married.

- Tell me about the wedding, I wanna hear all about it.

- I thought it was a success.

- Every wedding is.

- Right, right?

- What were you about to say, Ahamed?

- It was a nightmare.

My family is Jewish,

and we had a traditional Jewish wedding, and--

- [Punkie] They had these stupid hats on their heads.

It didn't even cover their whole head.

- [Ahamed] It's called a kippah.

- Well whatever, I don't like when a piece of fabric

sit in the middle your head like that.

That (beep) weird.

And then they had curls hanging from their ears.

What man takes a curling iron and curl his sideburn?

Who do that?

- [Crowd] L'Chaim!

- Once she realized there was no bacon or pork there,

she got upset, and she went out and bought some bacon,

and then she--

- I dipped it in the gravy and I pulled it out.

I dipped it dipped it dipped it in the gravy,

and then I pulled it out.

Nobody saw the bacon.

Nobody even knew that they was swallowing bacon.

- I don't know what she was on,

it seemed like a cocktail of drugs,

and I think she was stealing things from my office.

- I took a flea pill.

- She was hallucinating on the dance floor with a knife.

- Mmm hmm.

- Dancing around in this stabbing motion.

My parents were scared.

The whole family was.

- I needed an adventure.

I needed something to happen.

I needed to get the party started.

- [Ahamed] She kept saying,

"I need some pork, I need some pork."

- I was imagining a ham.

Come here, piggy.

The piggy's (beep) with me.

- Punkie, Punkie it's me, let's go home.

- I love being Jewish!

- It was a nightmare, and we were scared for the child, too.

For Moishe.

- Oh (beep) no.

If it's a boy, his name not gonna be no Moesha.

He puts me in bad situations.

- Like what?

- He puts me in situations I don't wanna be in.

Like he took me to this little stupid class.

- It was a Lamaze class, you know, breathing exercises--

- Lamaze, Lamont, it don't matter what it was,

it was just the wrong environment for me.

And then there was another incident, so they say.

Because ain't nobody about to try to out-breathe me.

(panting)

- [Teacher] Breathe out the negative feelings.

Okay, if we could...

- She was very intimidating

for the rest of the participants in the class.

- Oh, everybody get crazy when an African American woman

is standing up breathing with Lamont.

- [Ahamed] She thought it was a competition.

- [Punkie] Everything a competition, okay?

I smack the piss out their bellies.

I don't care.

They sitting down like a bunch bitches.

I was standing up.

- And she was staring at them, and--

- Face to face, nose to nose.

I walk straight up to one of them.

- [Ahamed] Started pushing her stomach against theirs.

- [Punkie] That's right, and dancing.

- [Ahamed] The instructor eventually

had to ask her to leave.

And that's when she got violent.

- [Punkie] Oh well.

- What do you mean violent?

- She tackled her.

- [Punkie] That's my signature move.

- [Ahamed] It took four of those pregnant women

to pull her off.

- It sure did.

And I don't have no shame in my game.

As a matter of fact, I'm tired.

- What do you mean, honey?

- I'm just sleepy, and I took some pills out of your car.

- What pills?

- Whatever was in the console.

I just wanna take a nap.

- [Therapist] What did she take?

- Come here, come here.

How many did you take?

- I just wanna, yeah, this is much better.

- Those were heartworm pills, Punkie.

It's not for you.

- You guys have done great work today.

- Shh. - A lot of work.

Mmm.

- Oh, you gotta get some more of those, baby,

I took all of them.

They were so good, and chewy.