Original subtitles

- [Sarah] The following is a counseling

session with a certified therapist.

The patients, however, are comedians.

They are not in an actual relationship,

and their stories are fictional.

I love you.

(gentle music)

- [Gaea] Hello.

- Hello.

- So what brings you both here today?

- I was a bad boy and I disappointed my sensei master.

- He is your sensei master?

- Yes.

- I'm a broom master.

- I'm sorry, a what master?

- A broom master.

- Okay.

- I own a broom store.

This broom store is called Sweep Hearts.

Maybe you've heard of it?

- [Gaea] I have not.

- It's been in my family for generations,

my father's father, his father's father's father,

all masters.

A broom is a simple tool,

as supposed to say a vacuum cleaner,

which is jabbed into things,

and sucks away everything that

was there as if it never existed.

What had happened was my grandfather had passed away.

And as is tradition with broom masters,

we held his funeral in the broom store.

All the broom masters sweep around the casket in a circle,

sweeping the stardust outside.

(somber organ music)

And whomever is standing there,

regardless of race, creed, color, age,

they are swept into the store,

and they are asked to stare face to face

with the dead broom master, who they hopefully will replace.

(gasping)

(screaming)

(thudding)

- He dust me.

- [Chad] We put them in the coffin together,

covered in dust, their faces pressed together,

but only a true broom master can choose to kiss.

- I see, and so that's how you were chosen for this.

- I don't remember, but he told me what happened.

- So you don't remember this day?

- We swept his memory.

(light smacking)

- I don't know where I was born.

I don't even know where I come from.

All I know is I'm his apprentice.

- When we found him outside he was just carrying

a grocery bag full of some food and diapers.

We thew them in a dumpster, we swept his memory,

and his new life began.

- Do I wear a diaper? - Wow.

- I don't know what the diapers were for.

They were children's diapers.

- So I might have a kid?

- It doesn't matter.

After that day you were a broom master apprentice.

Do you know how he spent the first year

as his tenure as my apprentice?

- Tell me.

- After the store would close I would give him a tiny broom,

kind of broom you might find in a dollhouse.

And he would sweep the entire store

and bathroom with that broom.

There was also a tiny little dustpan.

It's actually adorable.

That outfit also comes with a little apron.

It's so small it's impossible to put on.

But I insist that he tries.

So he sits there with an apron that could fit on a mouse,

desperately trying to get it over his head

and around his waist because it's that effort that matters.

And he would sweep it so he would understand

that every speck of dust that exists

both deserves respect and attention.

- Took me forever.

- Wow.

- You know another tradition of broom masters

is that a broom apprentice must sleep in the broom closet.

- Then once a week sensei would come into the closet

then and sleep with me.

- Well I watch.

I sit and I watch.

- He's like a master-sensei,

but also daddy and guardian angel.

That's why when I was being a bad boy.

- Yeah, that was what you began with,

can you tell me a little bit more about that?

- Maybe you should tell her about your friend Phil.

- Phil is free-spirited, interesting, cool guy.

And Phil's store next to us is a vacuum cleaner shop.

- Right next door to the broom store.

- [Juzo] Yeah.

(r&b music)

- It's called Suck This.

(r&b music)

- Every night after sweep with the little broom.

- [Gaea] The little broom.

- Takes 14 hours and I just needed to sleep one night.

- I came back because I forgot my jacket.

And as I walked by and looked into the dimly lit room,

I saw Juzo and Phil shirtless

("Clair de Lune" by Debussy)

vacuuming up.

I saw you.

- It's a split second judgment.

- It wasn't just split second judgment.

It was like they were dancing in there.

("Clair de Lune" by Debussy)

I was heartbroken.

- Sounds really hard.

- You know I keep coming back to

one of the nights I came in and he was sleeping so softly

and just kinda whispering in his sleep.

He was just like, "Okay, Margaret,

"I'm just gonna go out and get some groceries.

"Everything will be fine."

- Who's Margaret?

- I don't know.

I'll be honest, I think part of this is that

I swept his mind too aggressively.

Like I also feel a little responsible for

what's seemingly a mental disability.

- Please don't blame yourself.

- If I could go back when we went out and swept that street,

I wish we just came back inside.

I wish...

- What?

- you never came in with us.

- What are you saying, sensei?

- I'm saying that I'm going to unsweep you.

- [Juzo] What?

- I'm going to return you to who you were before

all of this.

(light sweeping)

- I remember something.

- Please, go ahead.

- I had a wife named Margaret.

And I have a baby son named Bobo.

- This is just coming back to you now?

- Yeah.

And I had a dog.

And I live in Glendale.

("Clair de Lune" by Debussy)

- It's actually Eagle Rock.

- My driver's license.

Good picture.

Sensei,

is this goodbye?

- No.

This is just you being swept somewhere else.

- Thank you so much.

- Now go.

You heard me!

Get out!

Go!

It was the right thing to do.

I think I still have about 10 minutes so.

- Actually you do, yeah.

- If I maybe had some other things to discuss?

- It's your time, yeah.

- I keep having this recurring dream

where I'm a cool white principle at an inner city school

trying to turn those kids around.

What does that mean?

- What does it mean to you?

How do you feel when you wake up from the dream?

- Pretty cool.

- [Gaea] Pretty cool.

- 'Cause I'm doing a bunch a cool stuff

with these inner city kids.

I teach them math, they teach me how to rap.

There's a gang involved.

Do you know who Coolio is?

- [Gaea] I do.

- Also, I wanna kill my neighbor.

- Metaphorically?

- No.

- [Gaea] No.

- Like a weird choking thing.

Probably we should focus on that killing thing, right?

- I am a mandated reporter so if there is someone

specific that you want to kill,

and you express interest in this,

we may have to take an additional step beyond our session.

- So let's go back to that cool inner city teacher thing.

("Clair de Lune" by Debussy)