Original subtitles

- [Narrator] The following is a counseling session

with a certified therapist.

The patients, however are comedians.

They are not in an actual relationship

and their stories are fictional.

I love you.

(calming music)

- Hi.

- [Ismail] Hey, nice to meet you.

- Shazi, nice to meet you. - Ismail, yeah.

- Steph, hi, how are you?

- So what has motivated you to come here today, and why now?

- Well I'm a very devout Muslim,

and she's sort of amoral in a way, but, like it's been fine.

- My family's Christian.

- Yeah, her family's Christian, but what does that even--

- Christian background?

- I didn't even know he was Muslim.

I thought he was Mexican.

- So it was a surprise to you?

- I honestly thought he was kind of joking all the time,

because he would say silly things all the time.

- I would speak in Arabic when I pray five times a day.

- Thought it was yoga, I honestly didn't know.

He stretches a lot too, so I was confused by that.

- [Ismail] I would do my prayers and she would like,

kind of like gesture around me, doing her different poses.

For a while I was offended by it, but then it--

- [Steph] Never said anything, though,

so I didn't know, I just kept doing yoga beside him.

- I was actually very vocal about the fact that

I was a Muslim and the fact that I'm praying.

I fasted the whole month of Ramadan.

- I thought it was a diet, so I also did it.

I lost 15 pounds, I looked good.

- At a certain point, you can only say, Steph, I'm a Muslim.

- [Steph] The way he does it, it still makes me laugh.

I just felt like he is like, ah!

Okay, sorry, I interrupted.

You're tense, you're tense, you're tense.

Tell her how we met.

- We met at the gym, we would work out the same time,

and then it--

- [Steph] I knew what time you went.

I knew it was ten o'clock every morning.

I'd get there at 9:30, get my pre-sweat.

- Nobody would come near me when I would be at the gym.

- Yeah, he was a lone loser.

- I was kind of a loner.

- That's what I liked about him,

watching this little tiny Mexican boy

pick up the smallest weights.

Ooh, I loved watching that ass lift those little tens!

- She would just be off in the corner,

then she would come over to me and she would start

yelling encouragement over me to motivate me.

She'd call me, you know, funny encouraging names.

- Little Puss Puss, and Little Worm Dick.

- At first I was a little bit put off by it,

but then eventually something just kind of like,

it was very like, animal, you know?

So one day she didn't come and spot me,

and I was just like angry suddenly,

and I was so excited just thinking about--

- What was the anger about?

I'm curious.

- I was just mad that she wasn't talking to me,

I felt like she was ignoring me.

So I just walked up to her and I got on two knees,

and I said, "Stephanie, will you be my wife,

"will you be my life,

"will you be my only friend till the end?"

- All right.

- We got married that night, we drove to Vegas.

- Oh, that night!

- We had sex all night.

It was raw the next day,

we were very chaffed, we had a lot of sex happening.

- I mean, we were doing every move we could think of,

stuffing the turkey.

- Pardoning the turkey.

- Pardoning the turkey.

- Duck, Duck, Goose was my favorite, but God it hurt.

Oh, I'm thinking about it now, I'm getting worked up.

Okay, sorry, I'm getting a little.

- So going again back to the same question.

What brought you here?

- Okay, so she moved in pretty fast and I figured,

time to maybe meet my parents,

maybe we should make this more official.

We fly to Florida where my parents live.

They didn't really like her energy at first.

- I brought a bottle of red wine to the house,

because as a tradition, our family always brings

wine to a dinner party or whatever.

- Right, I mean, I let her know, I said,

don't bring wine to my Muslim parents.

- So you did notify her.

- Oh yes, several times, yes.

- Several times.

- Right over the head, yeah.

- [Ismail] And then my dad just looked

at me and yelled.

- Shame!

- [Steph] Yeah, it was a lot of that sound.

So dinner came out, and then it was lamb.

And that, to me, was like, oh my God, he's Muslim.

Like that's when I was like,

okay, hello, we got ourselves into something here.

But then I was like, I could become Islam,

I could be whatever I need to be.

- You become Muslim, you don't become Islam.

- See, you gotta tell me these things.

- She asked my dad, what can I do to become a Muslim?

He streamlined it, he said no pork.

- No pork was the first one, yeah.

And I was like, "God I love BLTs."

I don't know if I can give up a favorite sandwich.

And then he said, "no drinking,"

which, we all know, mother likes a sip.

That's gonna be hard for me, can't do it.

Big time fan of the alcohol.

But then the third one, now this was the one,

you say it, you can say it better than I.

- Okay, well, my dad said,

"We don't partake in pleasures of the rectum."

- And that's when I was like,

"Whew, that's what I'm talking about."

- [Ismail] She got really excited, she agreed.

- Hate butt play.

- For your dad, those three guidelines

were very, very important.

- Those were three things that he assumed that she loved,

and he was right about two of them.

- He was a psychic, we talked about ass play for

a lot longer than I thought we were going to.

- [Ismail] It shocked me that my dad would be...

They hit it off.

Long story short, my parents are fine with her now.

They like her more than me.

So then that sort of set up me to meet her family.

- So we went to Minnesota.

(screaming)

- Ismail, oh welcome, welcome!

- So we get inside and it is boiling.

- [Steph] Sauna.

- It is a sauna, I'm immediately sweating,

and I don't sweat that much, I'm not like my angel.

And before she even introduces herself to me,

her mom goes, "oh, we turned it all the way up for your

"Islam, we want to make sure your Islam is taken care of."

- I think she thought that Muslim people

live in the desert and it's very hot there,

and I think she tried to make it comfortable for him

to come in and feel at home.

- Her father and her brother were taking down

big American flags because they thought that

the American flag would offend me,

which, that's kind of what would offend me

is that they thought the American flag would offend me.

So cut to we're watching Aladdin.

- [Steph] Which, that was a bit rude, even for me.

We don't even like Aladdin, I mean,

it's not like we don't like Aladdin, we just don't watch--

- [Ismail] It's okay, you don't have to like Aladdin.

It's not my favorite Disney movie, I'm just gonna say it.

We usually watch The Little Mermaid,

I don't even think we own Aladdin,

they had to go buy it from somewhere.

I'm not even sure where they got it from.

- So we're watching Aladdin, it's a little bit tense.

And then I see some DVDs.

I see Hitch, and then I see I, Robot,

and next to that every season of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,

and I can't contain myself, I just exclaim,

I go, "I love Will Smith!"

And that's when her dad just,

it was like just pressing power on.

He was just like, "I love Will Smith!"

And we were just, we started saying

our favorite movies, favorite lines.

- So you guys found something that was a common interest.

- It's like I had finally found, like, my real father.

Because my real father doesn't even know who Will Smith is.

Anyway, that's not why we're here.

- No, I don't know how we got on that tangent.

But we're here because we do live together now.

I'm very clean, but he is a huge tea fan.

I don't care for the stuff, I don't like the smell of it,

I don't like what it does, it's all over the place.

He, Mr. Tea is what we call him at home.

Tea over here, tea in the bedroom,

tea in the bathroom, tea in the tub.

He takes the tea bag out, where's the tea bag?

Wherever the hell he wants it to be.

- In my family, and go ahead and crucify me,

the woman picks up the tea bag.

And this is my one fight, everything else I'm good.

- It's literally a piece of paper

and a string into another thing.

- Looks like you guys have figured out a lot of

fundamental differences between Islam and Christianity,

yet there is this small domestic difference

between you that has created this level of distress.

I wonder if you guys can think as a team

and come up with any solution regarding that.

- Okay, what if there was like

a separate bin just for the tea?

Like on the counter, at the side in the corner,

away from things.

- Could it have my face on it? - Yeah.

- [Ismail] I might be open to that.

- Really?

- But I would want something in return.

I might want a child.

- Are you serious?

- [Ismail] Yeah.

- All right.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- [Ismail] I guess we're having a baby!

- Oh my God!

- You guys are having a baby, looks like it.

- I'm getting jazzed up right now, okay.

- All right well we gotta leave your couch, I guess.

- Uh, can't do it here.

- Can we do it here, and maybe we pay a little extra?

- Let's get the (bleep) outta here.

Thank you so much.

- [Shazi] Sure.

[Steph] Bye.

(calm music)