Original subtitles

- [Announcer] The following is a counseling session

with a certified therapist.

The patients, however, are comedians.

They are not in an actual relationship

and their stories are fictional.

(whispering) Pst, I love you.

(elevator music)

- [Therapist] So what's bringing you here today?

- [Johnny] Well I was like we should definitely...

- [Kate] I was, for years,

encouraging us to seek help.

(Johnny laughs)

It was my idea to be here.

- It was my idea.

- It was my idea, he never wanted to do it.

- Well I'm pretty sure my, it wasn't just my idea,

it was my doing, so, yeah, I did it.

- I'm the reason that we're here

- And it's so good that we're here.

- Then you're welcome.

- It's really great that you're here.

- You're welcome for bringing you here.

- And you're welcome for me, not just

bringing you here doing the legwork.

Yeah, I'm the reason we're here.

- Well, It could've been both of your ideas and

maybe it doesn't matter who's idea it is.

Because here you are.

- Okay.

- Mmmhmm. Yeah, here we are.

- But I just think like for the record, I brought us here.

- Tell me a little bit about how you got together.

- We met in a park.

- [Kate] Beautiful park.

- Beautiful, very pretty. I liked the park.

- And I loved the park, and therein lies the difference.

But I digress. I was jogging, as I used to be very active

physically.

- I was hiking, sorta jog-hike hybrid thing I do.

This acorn I saw on the ground I picked it up to inspect it.

Kate approached because she I guess was a big fan of

that acorn as well.

- [Kate] Guilty as charged, I loved that acorn.

- [Johnny] There was definitely like a spark.

- [Kate] Immediate spark.

- [Johnny] There was immediate spark,

and we started talking about the acorn

cause she evidently had seen it

many times before and chose actively not to touch it.

And since I had touched it I disrupted that acorn's

personal space time continuum story.

- We made a schedule of how we could share the acorn

and it worked very well. I would say those were probably

some of the happiest times of our relationship.

- I did, whenever I would always

kind of try to give off my pheromones

on the acorn when I'd pass it off to him.

That's when I knew I was started to develop feelings.

- I think it was a month in, maybe a month and a half

and I picked up the acorn and I got in my car

and it was, oof, I was just overcome

there was just like a musk in the air.

I was like "uh, there's a little somethin'..."

I think I said "there's a little somethin' funky

going on here."

(Kate laughs)

And then she sent me a picture of her armpit

and with the caption "you could grow a tree in this thing."

And I grew a tree and ever since...

And we... I think it's the, that's the

we had sex a few weeks later.

- Yeah.

- If you're a couple, I hope that's what's going on.

- But some people would, you might assume

that we're saving it for something, I don't know.

- Well some couples never have sex.

- Yeah.

- A lot of people don't talk about...

It's not talked about in popular culture.

- Well I hope that those people might come in

and visit me also because that would be a normal thing

to have sex if you're a couple

and you're enjoying each other.

- But what if you're...you know, busy or

I mean, this is all just God if that's something

that factors into your world view.

- I don't know, is there anything that Kate can do for you

or do differently that would help you

not feel those ways?

- We've talked about a mask. Uh, we've talked about candles.

We've talked about...

- Masks, you already said that.

- Yep.

- [Therapist] Can you tell me a little more about the mask.

- [Kate] What the mask is is it's a 3D rendering

of Johnny's face.

- [Johnny] Mmm hmm.

- [Kate] Hyper-realistic rendering of his face that I wear.

So it's a mask that I wear of his face.

- [Johnny] And so that way when she looks at me,

shes' seeing me but she's seeing me seeing myself.

And so for works for her on that level

I, we've talked about it and I also assume,

and then I see just myself. So I feel like

it's essentially masturbating.

- He's constructed a loophole.

- It works though.

- You're making a face.

- Did I make a face?

- Yeah, you definitely have some other thoughts

than Johnny's having.

- I'm glad you said that because

I can't see her making the face.

You know how a cat when you see, when you look at a cat

it won't approach but when you look away

the cat's closer?

It only moves when you're not looking at it.

That's how Kate is.

- That's not how cats operate. I worked with cats for years.

- One problem we have is that Kate insists upon

taking a lot of baths.

- Here we go.

- Baths. Yeah, she'll take these really long baths

that last sometimes 13 hours is usually about average

but nine minimum.

If she knows we have something scheduled

she will start the bath at the time we're supposed to leave.

And it's this power thing where she's like

"the water's running, I can't, what, am I supposed

to waste this water?"

- Why does when I take a bath affect you?

- [Johnny] It doesn't necessarily...

- It sounded like what I thought Johnny was saying

that you have a plan and his experience is that

sometimes you start the bath when you have a plan.

- Anyone that takes baths knows that

you can't control when you take the bath.

- Have you ever been to Two Bunch Palms?

- No.

- It's this silent resort.

- He's never been. He talks about it constantly.

And he's never been.

I've heard him tell someone at the market that he went.

And that was really scary.

- I have done their virtual tour many times.

I know the layout.

You know the virtual tour, that you can click

and you can walk?

- Everyone knows what virtual tours are.

- I don't know.

- He does virtual tours constantly

and it's gotten to a point where I come home

and he's in the corner with the virtual reality mask on.

- VR, yep.

- Did you pick up my dry cleaning?

(French cafe music)

- Oh hey!

- Did you pick up my dry cleaning?

- Let me just check. I have a list in here.

I'm inside of my list.

- Well, do you understand what it is

that Kate hates about that?

- I guess so, but...

- I'm choosing not to speak.

- [Johnny] You just spoke.

She's processing.

- We really need to wind down for today.

Who's paying for your session today?

- Whoo, I am beat. Beat as a horse.

- So somebody really needs to.

- Thank you so much, this was really wonderful

Thank you, it was great. Yep.

- This was really wonderful. Thank you so much.

- Yup, okay well, we'll be in touch with everybody.

(French music)