Original subtitles

- [Narrator] The following is a counseling session

with a certified therapist,

the patients however are comedians,

they are not in an actual relationship

and their stories are fictional.

Psst, I love you.

(light melodic music)

- Good to meet you. - Hi,

- Ahamed, good to meet you. - Ahamed, yes.

- So tell me what brings you here today.

- I don't think we need to be here,

I think this is all a bunch of bullshit.

- Wow.

- I just need one thing from him,

period. - What's that?

- He needs to learn how to come,

I need him to start busting a nut.

- Got it. - I,

that's not what we said in the car.

- Bust a nut.

- Hm-mm.

I'm gonna give Ahamed a moment

to kind of reflect on why you're here, Ahamed.

- I have told her why I am unable to orgasm

and she won't listen to me, because it's not her,

I have been taking antidepressants

and a side effect of it is I can't--

- It's an excuse, you go out, you make the money

and you come home and you bust a nut,

pick up the pad, give me the pad,

write down bust a nut.

- Okay.

- Bust a nut and put two Ts on that nut.

- Ahamed, how do you feel about that?

- The main, the base level of the problem is communication.

- No, it's not. - I can't say anything.

- You can say whatever you want.

- She interrupts me every time I talk.

- What's the problem with that?

- Why don't you guys walk me through

a typical romantic evening.

- We're trying to get intimate in the bedroom

and she keeps telling me, "You'd better bust a nut tonight,"

which is giving me a lot of anxiety already

and this is the most private, intimate space

I can possibly imagine

and she refers to my penis as a vagina,

like she refuses to acknowledge that I even have a penis.

She's telling me, "Get that vagina--"

- Get that vagina up, get that pussy over here.

Keep that pussy hard.

Listen, he go to work, he come home,

I'm there, I'm on all fours, red lipstick on,

purple-bluish-pinkish looking pumps,

one leg up, all he gotta do is take his pants off

and come put his pussy in my pussy,

I'm already bent over and exposed for this man,

when he come home.

Dinner in the microwave.

All you gotta do is bust a nut.

Shoot them comes out of your pussy into mine,

when you gonna have a date, got two pinkie rings on, huh?

I handles business.

- In every dynamic, in every relationship,

there's the masculine and there's the feminine,

now the absolute truth is that these two energies

always exist within each of us.

Whatever you desire to show up in your partner

is something that you have to mirror for them.

- You think that's the problem?

- No, I think what's wonderful is that--

- Because I think - it's an opportunity.

- this is as feminine as it gets for me.

- I haven't been able to talk in the past four months,

I feel like I can't even-- - But, I told you,

we'll make you not gonna talk about it.

- agree, I can't disagree, I can't talk.

- I said when we met, I said

you're not gonna have to talk anymore,

all you're gonna be doing is busting nuts,

that's what I told him.

- I didn't take that literally.

- Well, that's his problem, that's not my problem.

- You guys wanna tell me something about how you met?

- [Ahamed] I was on a date with my then girlfriend.

- He was on a field trip with a child.

They came to a ice cream shop.

- [Ahamed] Anyway, we were trying to buy ice cream

and Punkie saw me and I saw her.

- Soon as I saw him, I said

this man needs some aggression and he's bored.

- I wasn't bored, I-- - You asked for two scoops

of pecan ice cream, that's boredom.

- I like pecan.

- Anyway I put two scoops on a fucking cone,

I licked it, I licked the whole ice cream and up the cone

- Hm-mm. - and I gave it to him

and he took it.

(light melodic music)

- [Ahamed] My girlfriend was very upset.

- I wasn't thinking about that bitch.

- No, Punkie didn't like Emily at all,

it seemed like they had it out for each other.

- [Punkie] So then I dumped that bitch for him.

- I've been with mostly just very timid women my whole life

and this was different and it made me feel like a man

and then there was a point, where it turned

from her energy became intense and then it became mean,

there was a transition

where she was kind of acting like everything was fine,

but then I would look at her Twitter

and she'd been Tweeting just--

- Oh, this is bullshit. - nasty things about me.

- How do you turn left like that on me?

- What were the Tweets?

- Does it matter what the Tweets were?

- Don't you hate when your man

act like a bitch on Christmas?

- Don't act like a bitch on Christmas.

- #Bitch on Christmas.

How's that make me feel?

- I'm not really interested in how it made you feel,

because it wasn't for you to see.

- You know, my Mom follows you.

- Well, that's your Mom problem then,

ain't nobody asked her to follow me

and you need to get in and check.

- She goes, I fry his tofu in bacon grease.

- I don't see the problem in that either.

- Dot dot dot soy head bitch.

So my Mom's calling me all the time, "Are you okay?

"Who is this woman?

"She seems dangerous."

- Have you ever had a problem with your soy and your tofu?

- I don't-- - You said it was the best

that you had ever had, right?

- But that was before I knew you cooked it in--

- It don't matter what I cooked it in,

you're not eating bacon per se,

I'm using the spirit of the bacon.

- [Ahamed] I said, what do you do to this tofu?

It's amazing, you said, "Don't worry about it."

- Here, babe. - Mm.

- You're gonna love it.

When I was younger, my Mom used to put celery

in my Daddy food and he never knew

and he say he don't eat celery,

that man been eating celery for 25 years.

It ain't none of your business what I put in the food,

as long as you eat it, there ain't no problem,

have you ever been sick, you ever had to go to the doctor?

Is your bowels coming out correctly?

- I'm not saying--

- Then what is the damn problem?

- Because it's my religion.

- Boy, fuck your religion!

Ain't nobody worry about all that,

nobody tell you what to eat,

you eat what the fuck I say you eat,

what I put on the table is what you're gonna eat.

- You see where this hurts?

- I do.

Punkie, are you hurting?

- Hurt?

I just need him to bust some nuts,

I don't care about any of this.

- And when he doesn't bust a nut,

how does that make you feel?

- Like this,

crazy.

- Will you guys indulge me

and face each other for just a moment?

So here's the big question,

what would you be willing to give up to have everything?

Now this is just a personal question.

- I'll stop frying your tofu in bacon grease.

- I'll try a different medication.

- Is that it?

- Does that work?

Those sound like wins to me. - It does not work,

I was expecting him to say, I will bust a nut.

If you're not gonna bust a nut tonight,

then we have no reason to be here.

Are you gonna do it, are you not?

Are you gonna give us some homework or something?

- To be honest-- - There's more going on,

- Okay, what's the homework? - than just the sex

- What is the homework? - aspect of this, right.

- Yes, that's true. - Am I crazy?

- Tell him to bust a nut,

- I feel like you're not helping.

- tonight and she's not helping,

if she don't tell you what to do,

if she don't tell you what I want her to tell you to do.

- She took over the whole session.

- Punkie, he's talking about his other needs.

- Okay, I don't wanna hear this shit, okay.

Thank you, thank you. - Punkie,

don't leave that way. - I'm getting out,

this is bullshit.

- You don't have to leave. - This didn't help shit.

Let's go! - You don't have to leave.

- I'm ready to go right now, I'm ready to go.

(light melodic music)