Original subtitles

>> Kove: TIME TO GO TO SLEEP, MY

DARLINGS, SO YOU CAN GET UP

BRIGHT AND EARLY AND SEE WHAT

SANTA HAS BROUGHT YOU.

>> CHRISTMAS IS BORING.

>> YEAH, CHRISTMAS IS BORING.

I WISH IT WAS FLAG DAY.

>> Kove: WELL, IT'S NOT ALWAYS

BORING.

DO YOU REMEMBER THE STORY OF THE

TERRORIST MALL SANTA?

[ "DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS ]

>> Trent: HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MANY

UGLY SWEATERS SINCE I WENT TO

THE "COSBY SHOW" CONVENTION.

>> Alphonse: MAN, I CAN'T WAIT

TO SEE SANTA!

IS HE HERE?!

I HAVEN'T SEEN SANTA IN AT LEAST

A YEAR NOW!

>> YOU KNOW IT'S NOT REALLY

SANTA.

I MEAN, WHY WOULD SANTA COME TO

THE MALL?

>> Alphonse: OF COURSE THAT'S

THE REAL SANTA.

THIS IS SANTA'S FAVORITE MALL.

WE TALK ALL THE TIME.

>> Trent: PIPER, ARE YOU AT THE

MALL YET?

>> Piper: JUST ABOUT.

THIS PLACE IS A MADHOUSE.

I GUESS I'M NOT THE ONLY PERSON

WHO WAITED TILL THE DAY BEFORE

CHRISTMAS TO DO ALL OF THEIR

SHOPPING.

OH! KEEP YOU EYES OPEN FOR A

PETEY THE PITBULL DOLL.

MY UNCLE GARY REALLY WANTS ONE.

ACTUALLY, THAT WAS A LIE.

I REALLY WANT ONE.

>> Trent: WILL DO.

I MEAN, THAT PETEY THE PITBULL

DOLL IS THE HOTTEST TOY THIS

CHRISTMAS.

THEY'RE SELLING ON eBay FOR

THOUSANDS.

>> Piper: YEAH, THANKS FOR

REMINDING ME, TRENT.

>> Alphonse: I'M GLAD WE DECIDED

TO KEEP THESE EARPIECES IN

DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON.

IT MAKES IT EASIER FOR EVERYBODY

TO HELP EACH OTHER OUT.

SANTA REALLY LIKES IT WHEN WE

HELP EACH OTHER.

>> Trent: LOOK, KIDS, OUR TIME

HERE TODAY IS SPECIAL, BUT TO

KEEP IT SPECIAL, I NEED TO GET

AWAY FROM YOU TWO.

I'M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM,

WORK ON WATER-BOARDING PUNS IN

THE MIRROR.

"SURF'S UP."

OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

>> EXCUSE ME, SECURITY, HAS

ANYBODY TOLD YOU "MERRY

CHRISTMAS"?

[ GUNS COCK ]

>> SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

[ ALARM BLARING ]

>> SHUT UP! GET ON THE GROUND!

EVERYONE SHUT UP!

[ ALARM STOPS ]

>> LOCK DOWN THE MALL.

TONIGHT'S GONNA BE A VERY MERRY

CHRISTMAS.

>> IT'S ALSO THE FIFTH DAY OF

HANUKAH.

>> THIS ISN'T ABOUT HANUKAH!

>> WHAT'S HAPPENING,

UNCLE ALPHONSE?

>> Alphonse: NOTHING.

IT'S JUST SANTA.

>> [ Spanish accent ] LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

FOR YEARS, THE SAN DIEGO MALL

HAS FED OFF OF THE GREED OF THE

COMMON MAN.

TONIGHT, WE SHALL TEACH THEM A

LESSON IN CONSUMERISM AND YOU

SHALL ALL BE WITNESSES.

THIS MALL IS COMPLETELY LOCKED

DOWN!

EVERYONE STAY PUT AND NOBODY

GETS HURT.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

>> Alphonse: IT'S OKAY, KIDS.

SANTA! YOU MADE IT!

HEY, CAN I BE THE FIRST ONE TO

SIT ON YOUR LAP?

>> [ LAUGHING ]

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

>> Piper: WHOA! WAIT A SECOND.

NO!

OKAY, EVERYBODY CALM DOWN.

I AM IN TOUCH WITH SOMEBODY

WHO'S ON THE INSIDE.

>> I NEED THAT PETEY DOLL!

>> Piper: YEAH, I NEED A PETEY

DOLL, TOO, OKAY, SISTER?!

>> Trent: PIPER, CHEROKEE AND

JERICHO ARE BEING HELD HOSTAGE

AT THE MALL.

>> Piper: YEAH, AND I'M LOCKED

OUTSIDE WITH A BUNCH OF SAVAGE

CIVILIANS, TRENT, SO IT'S UP TO

YOU.

>> Trent: AH, WHAT A SURPRISE.

>> Alphonse: I'VE KNOWN SANTA

ALL MY LIFE.

MAYBE I CAN REASON WITH HIM.

>> Trent: NO!

>> Alphonse: AM I INTERRUPTING

SOMETHING?

>> Trent: NO, ALPHONSE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Alphonse: NOW, I KNOW YOU

GUYS AREN'T JUST A BUNCH OF DUMB

SCHMUCKS THAT CAME UP HERE TO

LIFT A FEW GOLD CHAINS.

>> YOU'RE VERY PERCEPTIVE.

>> Alphonse: YOU'RE HERE TO

NEGOTIATE.

AM I RIGHT, SANTA?

BUBBE!

I'M YOUR WHITE KNIGHT.

>> WAYNE KNIGHT? NEWMAN?

THE GUY FROM "SEINFELD"?

>> Alphonse: NO, UH, IT'S A

PHRASE.

I'M YOUR WHITE KNIGHT!

>> THAT'S SOMETHING PEOPLE SAY?

>> Alphonse: YEAH, THE HERO.

>> I'VE NOT HEARD THIS.

WHAT IS IT YOU WANT, MY FRIEND?

>> Alphonse: OH, SANTA, IT'S NOT

ABOUT WHAT I WANT.

IT'S ABOUT WHAT I CAN GIVE YOU.

I HAPPEN TO BE IN TOUCH WITH THE

HEAD AGENT AT NTSF:SD:SUV::.

MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF HIM --

TRENT HAUSER.

>> Trent: DAMN IT, ALPHONSE!

YOU ALASKAN IDIOT.

>> HOW IS THIS THAT YOU ARE IN

CONTACT WITH HIM?

>> Alphonse: WE ALL HAVE

INNER-EAR TRANSMITTERS, SO...

>> HIT HIM WITH THE CANDY CANE.

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

ALPHONSE DID WHAT?

>> UNBELIEVABLE.

>> THIS IS PRETTY VIOLENT FOR A

BEDTIME STORY.

>> Kove: YOU'RE TELLING ME.

>> KEEP GOING!

>> Kove: OKAY, BUT SHUT YOUR

MOUTHS SO I CAN FINISH THIS

STORY, OPEN UP A BOTTLE OF

CHARDONNAY, AND POLISH OFF THAT

GINGERBREAD HOUSE.

ANYWAY, DADDY WAS AT THE

GIFT-WRAPPING STATION, GETTING

ITEMS TO KILL SOME ELVES...

>> Trent: HEY! JINGLE BELLS!

OVER HERE!

>> [ COUGHS, CHOKES ]

[ BONES CRACK ]

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE YOU

CHOKED...ON SOME RIBBON.

>> SIR, THIS JUST ARRIVED FOR

YOU.

>> "TO SANTA, FROM TRENT HAUSER,

NTSF:SD:SUV::."

[ GASPS ]

BRING HIM TO ME!

TRENT HAUSER, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

>> Trent: HELLO, SANTA.

I SEE YOU GOT MY GIFT.

>> NEXT TIME, LEAVE A GIFT

RECEIPT.

>> Trent: WHY?

SO YOU CAN RETURN IT?

DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

>> WHAT KIND OF GAME ARE YOU

PLAYING AT, TRENT HAUSER?

>> Trent: JUST A LITTLE

LAST-MINUTE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.

>> YOU ARE BUT A MINOR

INCONVENIENCE TO ME.

I AM SO EXCITED TO BE RUINING

YOUR CHILDREN'S CHRISTMAS BY

HAVING MY ELVES KILL YOU.

>> Trent: IT'S GONNA TAKE A LOT

MORE THAN MY DEATH TO RUIN

CHRISTMAS FOR MY KIDS.

>> I MISSED -- I MISSED PART OF

THE LAST PART.

>> Trent: I SAID -- [ STATIC ]

>> I'M NOT GETTING HIM.

LET'S HOLD HIS THING UP.

>> Trent: HELLO?

>> HELLO?

>> [ COUGHING ]

>> [ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

>> Piper: THAT'S IT FOR YOU FOR

THE NEXT TWO WEEKS.

>> Daisy: I CAN'T TAKE IT!

COME ON, LET'S RIOT!

>> Piper: DAISY?

>> Daisy: YOU BET YOUR SWEET

ASS!

I WANT IN, AND I WANT IT NOW!

RIGHT, EVERYONE?

>> Piper: YOU THINK I HAVE A

SWEET ASS?

DAISY, HEY, I'VE GOT THIS UNDER

CONTROL.

>> Daisy: OH, YEAH? DO YOU?

WELL, WHO PUT YOU IN CHARGE

ANYWAY?

>> Piper: IT WAS THE WILL OF THE

PEOPLE.

>> Daisy: I DON'T REMEMBER

VOTING FOR YOU.

I'M TAKING OVER.

COME ON! WHO'S WITH ME?!

[ CROWD SHOUTING ]

COME ON! COME ON!

WHO'S WITH ME?

COME ON!

[ GUNSHOTS ]

>> Piper: I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU

AND I'LL KILL MYSELF!

I DON'T CARE!

>> GYAH!

[ BONES CRACK ]

>> Trent: CHEW ON THAT!

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

>> WHOA! UNH!

HUBBA BUBBA.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> HMM, GUMBALL.

POISON GUMBALL!

>> Trent: [ CHUCKLES ]

LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A

SILENT NIGHT...BECAUSE YOU'RE

DEAD.

>> Both: DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!

DADDY!

>> Trent: HEY! GREAT TO SEE YOU!

YOU ESCAPED.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

HOW MANY TERRORISTS DID YOU

KILL?

>> THREE.

>> Trent: EH.

LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE HEADING DOWN

TO THE LOADING DOCK.

I'M GONNA GO CHECK IT OUT.

>> DADDY, IS THIS WHAT CHRISTMAS

IS ABOUT?

>> Trent: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT

CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT.

CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT SPENDING TIME

WITH YOUR FAMILY, LIKE YOUR MOM

AND DAD, BUT JUST NOT AT THE

SAME TIME.

IT'S ABOUT WORKING THROUGH YOUR

DIFFERENCES AND BRINGING PEOPLE

TOGETHER FOR A COMMON PURPOSE.

CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT LOVING YOUR

FELLOW MAN.

OR, IN THE CASE OF SANTA AND HIS

ELVES, KILLING THEM.

CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT FORGIVING

THOSE WHO YOU FOUGHT AND HELPING

THOSE THAT ARE LESS FORTUNATE.

>> Piper: YAAAAH!

>> Trent: CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT

LEARNING IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS,

BUT, UH, LET'S HAVE YOUR MOM

DEAL WITH THAT.

NOW GO FIND SOMEPLACE TO PLAY

WHILE I GO KILL SOME GUYS.

OH! AND ONE MORE THING -- DON'T

PLAY WITH THE DEAD ELVES.

THEY'RE NOT TOYS.

LOOK AT ALL THOSE

PETEY THE PITBULL DOLLS.

THEY'RE GONNA GO FOR A FORTUNE

ON eBay.

PIPER, I'M IN THE LOADING DOCK.

I NEED YOUR HELP.

>> Piper: HOLD ON, PEOPLE!

I CAN'T HEAR TRENT!

>> Trent: I'LL GO IN WITHOUT

YOU.

>> Piper: I SAID SHUT UP!

>> Trent: HEY, SANTA.

LOOKS LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW IF I

WAS SLEEPING OR AWAKE.

>> WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE GHOST

OF CHRISTMAS PAST, TRENT HAUSER.

TRENT, LET'S SETTLE THIS MAN TO

MAN -- JUST US.

>> Trent: ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ON.

>> ELVES, DO NOT INTERFERE!

PREPARE TO GET SLEIGHED BY MY

10 FLYING PAIN-DEER!

>> Piper: THE TIME HAS COME.

ALL OF THOSE BOXES ARE FILLED

WITH PETEY THE PITBULL DOLLS!

GO!

GO!

>> Trent: HYAH!

[ ALL SHOUTING ]

>> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

TRENT HAUSER, YOU WERE NOT GOOD

FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

>> Trent: HEY, EVERYONE!

SANTA'S GOT MORE

PETEY THE PITBULLS IN HIS BELLY!

GET HIM!

[ SHOUTING CONTINUES ]

>> Kove: AND THAT'S HOW YOUR

FATHER SAVED CHRISTMAS, JUST A

FEW HOURS AGO TODAY.

>> RIGHT.

THAT HAPPENED TO US TODAY.

WOW. THEY TURNED THAT INTO A

BOOK SO FAST.

>> MOMMY, WHAT'S THE POINT OF

THIS STORY?

>> Kove: DON'T TRUST ANYONE YOU

LOVE, AND DON'T LOVE ANYONE YOU

TRUST.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, MY DARLINGS.

[ SMOOCHES ]

>> * GO GET THE OLD CHIMNEY

SWEEPER *

* MAKE SURE THE CHIMNEY IS

CLEAR *

* TIME TO GET HUMMIN'

* SANTA IS COMIN'

* I LOVE THIS TIME OF THE YEAR

* LET'S MAKE THE DISHES

* EVERYONE WISHES

* I LOVE THIS TIME OF THE YEAR

>> * I LOVE THIS TIME OF THE

YEAR *