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>> Kove: TIME TO GO TO SLEEP, MY
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DARLINGS, SO YOU CAN GET UP
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BRIGHT AND EARLY AND SEE WHAT
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SANTA HAS BROUGHT YOU.
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>> CHRISTMAS IS BORING.
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>> YEAH, CHRISTMAS IS BORING.
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I WISH IT WAS FLAG DAY.
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>> Kove: WELL, IT'S NOT ALWAYS
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BORING.
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DO YOU REMEMBER THE STORY OF THE
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TERRORIST MALL SANTA?
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[ "DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS ]
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>> Trent: HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MANY
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UGLY SWEATERS SINCE I WENT TO
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THE "COSBY SHOW" CONVENTION.
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>> Alphonse: MAN, I CAN'T WAIT
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TO SEE SANTA!
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IS HE HERE?!
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I HAVEN'T SEEN SANTA IN AT LEAST
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A YEAR NOW!
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>> YOU KNOW IT'S NOT REALLY
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SANTA.
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I MEAN, WHY WOULD SANTA COME TO
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THE MALL?
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>> Alphonse: OF COURSE THAT'S
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THE REAL SANTA.
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THIS IS SANTA'S FAVORITE MALL.
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WE TALK ALL THE TIME.
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>> Trent: PIPER, ARE YOU AT THE
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MALL YET?
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>> Piper: JUST ABOUT.
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THIS PLACE IS A MADHOUSE.
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I GUESS I'M NOT THE ONLY PERSON
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WHO WAITED TILL THE DAY BEFORE
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CHRISTMAS TO DO ALL OF THEIR
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SHOPPING.
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OH! KEEP YOU EYES OPEN FOR A
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PETEY THE PITBULL DOLL.
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MY UNCLE GARY REALLY WANTS ONE.
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ACTUALLY, THAT WAS A LIE.
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I REALLY WANT ONE.
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>> Trent: WILL DO.
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I MEAN, THAT PETEY THE PITBULL
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DOLL IS THE HOTTEST TOY THIS
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CHRISTMAS.
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THEY'RE SELLING ON eBay FOR
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THOUSANDS.
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>> Piper: YEAH, THANKS FOR
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REMINDING ME, TRENT.
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>> Alphonse: I'M GLAD WE DECIDED
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TO KEEP THESE EARPIECES IN
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DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON.
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IT MAKES IT EASIER FOR EVERYBODY
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TO HELP EACH OTHER OUT.
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SANTA REALLY LIKES IT WHEN WE
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HELP EACH OTHER.
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>> Trent: LOOK, KIDS, OUR TIME
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HERE TODAY IS SPECIAL, BUT TO
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KEEP IT SPECIAL, I NEED TO GET
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AWAY FROM YOU TWO.
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I'M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM,
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WORK ON WATER-BOARDING PUNS IN
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THE MIRROR.
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"SURF'S UP."
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OH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
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>> EXCUSE ME, SECURITY, HAS
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ANYBODY TOLD YOU "MERRY
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CHRISTMAS"?
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[ GUNS COCK ]
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>> SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
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[ ALARM BLARING ]
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>> SHUT UP! GET ON THE GROUND!
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EVERYONE SHUT UP!
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[ ALARM STOPS ]
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>> LOCK DOWN THE MALL.
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TONIGHT'S GONNA BE A VERY MERRY
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CHRISTMAS.
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>> IT'S ALSO THE FIFTH DAY OF
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HANUKAH.
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>> THIS ISN'T ABOUT HANUKAH!
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>> WHAT'S HAPPENING,
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UNCLE ALPHONSE?
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>> Alphonse: NOTHING.
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IT'S JUST SANTA.
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>> [ Spanish accent ] LADIES AND
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GENTLEMEN!
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
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FOR YEARS, THE SAN DIEGO MALL
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HAS FED OFF OF THE GREED OF THE
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COMMON MAN.
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TONIGHT, WE SHALL TEACH THEM A
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LESSON IN CONSUMERISM AND YOU
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SHALL ALL BE WITNESSES.
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THIS MALL IS COMPLETELY LOCKED
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DOWN!
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EVERYONE STAY PUT AND NOBODY
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GETS HURT.
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[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
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>> Alphonse: IT'S OKAY, KIDS.
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SANTA! YOU MADE IT!
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HEY, CAN I BE THE FIRST ONE TO
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SIT ON YOUR LAP?
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>> [ LAUGHING ]
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[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
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>> Piper: WHOA! WAIT A SECOND.
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NO!
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OKAY, EVERYBODY CALM DOWN.
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I AM IN TOUCH WITH SOMEBODY
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WHO'S ON THE INSIDE.
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>> I NEED THAT PETEY DOLL!
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>> Piper: YEAH, I NEED A PETEY
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DOLL, TOO, OKAY, SISTER?!
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>> Trent: PIPER, CHEROKEE AND
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JERICHO ARE BEING HELD HOSTAGE
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AT THE MALL.
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>> Piper: YEAH, AND I'M LOCKED
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OUTSIDE WITH A BUNCH OF SAVAGE
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CIVILIANS, TRENT, SO IT'S UP TO
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YOU.
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>> Trent: AH, WHAT A SURPRISE.
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>> Alphonse: I'VE KNOWN SANTA
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ALL MY LIFE.
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MAYBE I CAN REASON WITH HIM.
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>> Trent: NO!
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>> Alphonse: AM I INTERRUPTING
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SOMETHING?
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>> Trent: NO, ALPHONSE!
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WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
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>> Alphonse: NOW, I KNOW YOU
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GUYS AREN'T JUST A BUNCH OF DUMB
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SCHMUCKS THAT CAME UP HERE TO
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LIFT A FEW GOLD CHAINS.
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>> YOU'RE VERY PERCEPTIVE.
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>> Alphonse: YOU'RE HERE TO
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NEGOTIATE.
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AM I RIGHT, SANTA?
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BUBBE!
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I'M YOUR WHITE KNIGHT.
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>> WAYNE KNIGHT? NEWMAN?
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THE GUY FROM "SEINFELD"?
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>> Alphonse: NO, UH, IT'S A
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PHRASE.
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I'M YOUR WHITE KNIGHT!
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>> THAT'S SOMETHING PEOPLE SAY?
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>> Alphonse: YEAH, THE HERO.
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>> I'VE NOT HEARD THIS.
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WHAT IS IT YOU WANT, MY FRIEND?
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>> Alphonse: OH, SANTA, IT'S NOT
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ABOUT WHAT I WANT.
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IT'S ABOUT WHAT I CAN GIVE YOU.
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I HAPPEN TO BE IN TOUCH WITH THE
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HEAD AGENT AT NTSF:SD:SUV::.
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MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF HIM --
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TRENT HAUSER.
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>> Trent: DAMN IT, ALPHONSE!
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YOU ALASKAN IDIOT.
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>> HOW IS THIS THAT YOU ARE IN
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CONTACT WITH HIM?
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>> Alphonse: WE ALL HAVE
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INNER-EAR TRANSMITTERS, SO...
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>> HIT HIM WITH THE CANDY CANE.
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[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]
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>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
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ALPHONSE DID WHAT?
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>> UNBELIEVABLE.
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>> THIS IS PRETTY VIOLENT FOR A
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BEDTIME STORY.
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>> Kove: YOU'RE TELLING ME.
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>> KEEP GOING!
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>> Kove: OKAY, BUT SHUT YOUR
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MOUTHS SO I CAN FINISH THIS
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STORY, OPEN UP A BOTTLE OF
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CHARDONNAY, AND POLISH OFF THAT
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GINGERBREAD HOUSE.
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ANYWAY, DADDY WAS AT THE
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GIFT-WRAPPING STATION, GETTING
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ITEMS TO KILL SOME ELVES...
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>> Trent: HEY! JINGLE BELLS!
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OVER HERE!
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>> [ COUGHS, CHOKES ]
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[ BONES CRACK ]
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>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE YOU
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CHOKED...ON SOME RIBBON.
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>> SIR, THIS JUST ARRIVED FOR
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YOU.
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>> "TO SANTA, FROM TRENT HAUSER,
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NTSF:SD:SUV::."
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[ GASPS ]
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BRING HIM TO ME!
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TRENT HAUSER, CAN YOU HEAR ME?
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>> Trent: HELLO, SANTA.
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I SEE YOU GOT MY GIFT.
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>> NEXT TIME, LEAVE A GIFT
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RECEIPT.
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>> Trent: WHY?
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SO YOU CAN RETURN IT?
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DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
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>> WHAT KIND OF GAME ARE YOU
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PLAYING AT, TRENT HAUSER?
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>> Trent: JUST A LITTLE
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LAST-MINUTE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING.
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>> YOU ARE BUT A MINOR
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INCONVENIENCE TO ME.
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I AM SO EXCITED TO BE RUINING
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YOUR CHILDREN'S CHRISTMAS BY
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HAVING MY ELVES KILL YOU.
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>> Trent: IT'S GONNA TAKE A LOT
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MORE THAN MY DEATH TO RUIN
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CHRISTMAS FOR MY KIDS.
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>> I MISSED -- I MISSED PART OF
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THE LAST PART.
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>> Trent: I SAID -- [ STATIC ]
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>> I'M NOT GETTING HIM.
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LET'S HOLD HIS THING UP.
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>> Trent: HELLO?
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>> HELLO?
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>> [ COUGHING ]
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>> [ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
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>> Piper: THAT'S IT FOR YOU FOR
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THE NEXT TWO WEEKS.
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>> Daisy: I CAN'T TAKE IT!
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COME ON, LET'S RIOT!
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>> Piper: DAISY?
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>> Daisy: YOU BET YOUR SWEET
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ASS!
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I WANT IN, AND I WANT IT NOW!
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RIGHT, EVERYONE?
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>> Piper: YOU THINK I HAVE A
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SWEET ASS?
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DAISY, HEY, I'VE GOT THIS UNDER
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CONTROL.
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>> Daisy: OH, YEAH? DO YOU?
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WELL, WHO PUT YOU IN CHARGE
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ANYWAY?
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>> Piper: IT WAS THE WILL OF THE
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PEOPLE.
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>> Daisy: I DON'T REMEMBER
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VOTING FOR YOU.
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I'M TAKING OVER.
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COME ON! WHO'S WITH ME?!
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[ CROWD SHOUTING ]
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COME ON! COME ON!
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WHO'S WITH ME?
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COME ON!
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[ GUNSHOTS ]
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>> Piper: I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU
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AND I'LL KILL MYSELF!
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I DON'T CARE!
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>> GYAH!
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[ BONES CRACK ]
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>> Trent: CHEW ON THAT!
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[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
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>> WHOA! UNH!
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HUBBA BUBBA.
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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>> HMM, GUMBALL.
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POISON GUMBALL!
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>> Trent: [ CHUCKLES ]
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LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A
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SILENT NIGHT...BECAUSE YOU'RE
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DEAD.
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>> Both: DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!
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DADDY!
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00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:27,176
>> Trent: HEY! GREAT TO SEE YOU!
265
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:27,980
YOU ESCAPED.
266
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:28,881
I'M PROUD OF YOU.
267
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:29,982
HOW MANY TERRORISTS DID YOU
268
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:30,583
KILL?
269
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:31,124
>> THREE.
270
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,118
>> Trent: EH.
271
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:35,861
LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE HEADING DOWN
272
00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:36,956
TO THE LOADING DOCK.
273
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:37,987
I'M GONNA GO CHECK IT OUT.
274
00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,091
>> DADDY, IS THIS WHAT CHRISTMAS
275
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:39,732
IS ABOUT?
276
00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:40,827
>> Trent: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
277
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:41,698
CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT.
278
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:43,625
CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT SPENDING TIME
279
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,331
WITH YOUR FAMILY, LIKE YOUR MOM
280
00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:47,872
AND DAD, BUT JUST NOT AT THE
281
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:50,638
SAME TIME.
282
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:52,068
IT'S ABOUT WORKING THROUGH YOUR
283
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,712
DIFFERENCES AND BRINGING PEOPLE
284
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:57,107
TOGETHER FOR A COMMON PURPOSE.
285
00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:59,710
CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT LOVING YOUR
286
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,283
FELLOW MAN.
287
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:02,721
OR, IN THE CASE OF SANTA AND HIS
288
00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:04,916
ELVES, KILLING THEM.
289
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:07,018
CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT FORGIVING
290
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,320
THOSE WHO YOU FOUGHT AND HELPING
291
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:13,362
THOSE THAT ARE LESS FORTUNATE.
292
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,730
>> Piper: YAAAAH!
293
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,158
>> Trent: CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT
294
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,903
LEARNING IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS,
295
00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:19,328
BUT, UH, LET'S HAVE YOUR MOM
296
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:20,232
DEAL WITH THAT.
297
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:21,843
NOW GO FIND SOMEPLACE TO PLAY
298
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,095
WHILE I GO KILL SOME GUYS.
299
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:25,373
OH! AND ONE MORE THING -- DON'T
300
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:26,642
PLAY WITH THE DEAD ELVES.
301
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,280
THEY'RE NOT TOYS.
302
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:32,378
LOOK AT ALL THOSE
303
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:33,649
PETEY THE PITBULL DOLLS.
304
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:34,817
THEY'RE GONNA GO FOR A FORTUNE
305
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:35,275
ON eBay.
306
00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:36,952
PIPER, I'M IN THE LOADING DOCK.
307
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:37,720
I NEED YOUR HELP.
308
00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:38,748
>> Piper: HOLD ON, PEOPLE!
309
00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:39,392
I CAN'T HEAR TRENT!
310
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:40,646
>> Trent: I'LL GO IN WITHOUT
311
00:08:40,654 --> 00:08:41,324
YOU.
312
00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:42,691
>> Piper: I SAID SHUT UP!
313
00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:43,720
>> Trent: HEY, SANTA.
314
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,064
LOOKS LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW IF I
315
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,128
WAS SLEEPING OR AWAKE.
316
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,926
>> WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE GHOST
317
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:49,798
OF CHRISTMAS PAST, TRENT HAUSER.
318
00:08:49,797 --> 00:08:51,627
TRENT, LET'S SETTLE THIS MAN TO
319
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:52,632
MAN -- JUST US.
320
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,303
>> Trent: ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ON.
321
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:56,141
>> ELVES, DO NOT INTERFERE!
322
00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:10,248
PREPARE TO GET SLEIGHED BY MY
323
00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:13,650
10 FLYING PAIN-DEER!
324
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:14,964
>> Piper: THE TIME HAS COME.
325
00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:16,315
ALL OF THOSE BOXES ARE FILLED
326
00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:19,033
WITH PETEY THE PITBULL DOLLS!
327
00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:20,656
GO!
328
00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:21,801
GO!
329
00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:22,825
>> Trent: HYAH!
330
00:09:22,830 --> 00:09:27,100
[ ALL SHOUTING ]
331
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,140
>> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
332
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:31,836
TRENT HAUSER, YOU WERE NOT GOOD
333
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:32,869
FOR GOODNESS SAKE.
334
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,143
>> Trent: HEY, EVERYONE!
335
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,111
SANTA'S GOT MORE
336
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,838
PETEY THE PITBULLS IN HIS BELLY!
337
00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:37,814
GET HIM!
338
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,651
[ SHOUTING CONTINUES ]
339
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:50,116
>> Kove: AND THAT'S HOW YOUR
340
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,193
FATHER SAVED CHRISTMAS, JUST A
341
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:54,132
FEW HOURS AGO TODAY.
342
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,097
>> RIGHT.
343
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,025
THAT HAPPENED TO US TODAY.
344
00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,730
WOW. THEY TURNED THAT INTO A
345
00:09:58,732 --> 00:09:59,902
BOOK SO FAST.
346
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:01,270
>> MOMMY, WHAT'S THE POINT OF
347
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,968
THIS STORY?
348
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:05,341
>> Kove: DON'T TRUST ANYONE YOU
349
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:08,008
LOVE, AND DON'T LOVE ANYONE YOU
350
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:09,478
TRUST.
351
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:11,946
MERRY CHRISTMAS, MY DARLINGS.
352
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:15,115
[ SMOOCHES ]
353
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,418
>> * GO GET THE OLD CHIMNEY
354
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:19,317
SWEEPER *
355
00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:21,189
* MAKE SURE THE CHIMNEY IS
356
00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:23,358
CLEAR *
357
00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:25,486
* TIME TO GET HUMMIN'
358
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:27,492
* SANTA IS COMIN'
359
00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:31,874
* I LOVE THIS TIME OF THE YEAR
360
00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:33,765
* LET'S MAKE THE DISHES
361
00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:35,937
* EVERYONE WISHES
362
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:40,336
* I LOVE THIS TIME OF THE YEAR
363
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:44,040
>> * I LOVE THIS TIME OF THE
364
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:48,224
YEAR *
22491
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