Original subtitles

>> TODAY ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

BECAME GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA.

>> TODAY SADDAM HUSSEIN HAS BEEN

CAPTURED.

>> A SPOKESPERSON SAID IT'S ALL

BUT MIRACULOUS THE ILLUSIONIST

IS STILL ALIVE AFTER HE WAS

ATTACKED BY ONE OF HIS TIGERS.

>> * YEAH

[ CHEERING ]

>> Piper: HEY, HEY!

>> MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY

WEEKEND -- YOU KNOW WHAT THAT

MEANS.

>> Both: TIME TO GET OUR DRINK

ON!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> YEAH, RIGHT? [ LAUGHS ]

IT'S HILARIOUS.

>> Piper: UH, SORRY, GUYS.

IT'S LADIES' NIGHT.

>> AW, COME ON -- ONE DANCE.

THANK YOU.

HEY, MY DAD OWNS A CONSTRUCTION

COMPANY.

>> OOH, COMMERCIAL OR

RESIDENTIAL?

>> COMMERCIAL ALL THE WAY, BABY.

>> AHH!

>> Piper: LEAVE US ALONE!

>> OH, HEY.

NO ONE'S TOUCHING YOU ON

PURPOSE.

>> Piper: WHY NOT?

>> OH, IT'S JUST ME AND MY BOYS,

WE DON'T FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE.

HAVE A GREAT TIME, THOUGH.

>> WHOO!

>> OH, NO, NO. EXCUSE ME.

REMEMBER TWO SECONDS AGO I WAS

JUST ASKING YOU JUST TO MOVE?

THANKS. PERFECT.

JUST RIGHT THERE.

OH, PLEASE.

>> Piper: WHOO!

>> NO, NO, NO.

HE'S AN EXCHANGE STUDENT.

I THINK YOU JUST KIND OF FREAK

HIM OUT.

M-L-K!

[ CROWD CHANTS "M-L-K!" ]

[ CROWD GASPS ]

WHOA! NOT COOL, MAN.

THIS VERY UNATTRACTIVE GIRL IS

CRAZY.

>> Piper: I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW I

AM VER ATTRACTIVE.

[ SIREN WAILS ]

>> COPS ARE COMING.

I'VE GOT A BUNCH OF HEROIN IN MY

BAG.

I CAN'T GO BACK TO JAIL.

>> Kove: COME WITH ME.

THERE'S NO TIME TO LOSE.

>> Piper: WHO ARE YOU?

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

DO YOU FIND ME ATTRACTIVE?

>> BYE, GIRLIE!

SORRY THEY DIDN'T FIND YOU

ATTRACTIVE.

[ TIRES SQUEAL ]

>> Piper: ARE YOU, LIKE, FRIENDS

WITH MY MOM?

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Piper: SO WHAT'S, LIKE, YOUR

DEAL?

>> Kove: I'M A SPECIAL AGENT.

>> Piper: AGENT?

AS IN "MODELING AGENT"?

>> Kove: I'M PART OF AN ELITE

NATIONAL TERRORISM STRIKE FORCE,

LOCATED HERE IN SAN DIEGO.

AND WE WOULD LIKE TO MAKE YOU A

MEMBER OF OUR TEAM.

>> Piper: WHY ME?

>> Kove: YOU FIT A PROFILE, AND

THAT MADE YOU A VERY ATTRACTIVE

CANDIDATE FOR US.

>> Piper: YOU THINK I'M

ATTRACTIVE?

>> Kove: WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL

YOU IS CLASSIFIED.

SO YOU ARE NOT TO TELL A SINGLE

SOUL.

IF YOU DO, YOU COULD BE

ENDANGERING THE LIVES OF

INNOCENT HUMAN BEINGS.

>> Piper: SO YOU DO THINK I'M

ATTRACTIVE.

>> Kove: HAVE YOU NOTICED THE

LARGE AMOUNT OF KOREAN NAIL

SALONS IN TOWN?

>> Piper: UH, YOU TELL ME.

>> Kove: UNFORTUNATELY, THAT

FRENCH-TIP MANICURE IS HELPING

FUND ANTI-AMERICAN

STATE-SANCTIONED TERRORISTS.

>> Piper: WELL...

[ SIGHS ]

I MEAN, I NEVER TIP THEM, SO...

>> Kove: EVER HEAR OF A COUNTRY

CALLED WEST KOREA?

>> Piper: NO. WHERE IS IT?

>> Kove: IT'S IN THE WESTERN

PART OF KOREA.

RUN BY COMMUNIST DICTATOR AND

UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX GRADUATE

BYUNG HYUNG SHA.

THE NAIL SALONS ARE A FRONT.

THEY'RE USING OUR MANI/PEDI CASH

TO ACQUIRE INDUSTRIAL AMOUNTS OF

TOXIC CHEMICALS.

THEY'RE NEARING COMPLETION OF A

DIRTY BOMB AS WE SPEAK, FILLED

WITH SO MUCH ACRYLIC DUST AND

BUTYLPHENOL FORMALDEHYDE IT

COULD KILL US ALL.

AND THEY'RE LOCATED HERE --

BOOM BOOM NAIL.

WE SENT IN ONE OF OUR TOP AGENTS

FOR A CUTICLE TRIM, AND HE NEVER

CAME OUT.

>> Piper: WELL, WHY DON'T YOU

JUST GO GET HIM?

>> Kove: BECAUSE HE'S MY

HUSBAND.

ALSO, I HAVE TO GO TO A BABY

SHOWER.

DO YOU SPEAK KOREAN?

>> Piper: WELL...

[ SCOFFS ]

I MEAN, I TOOK TWO YEARS OF

SPANISH, BUT I LITERALLY

REMEMBER NOTHING.

>> Kove: IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.

ROBOT S.A.M.!

>> HELLO. I AM S.A.M.

>> Piper: COOL!

IS THIS ROBOT GONNA, LIKE,

IMPLANT A CHIP IN MY BRAIN SO

THAT I CAN SPEAK KOREAN?

>> Kove: NO.

YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK.

>> Piper: UGH!

I HAVE TO MEMORIZE THIS ENTIRE

BOOK?

UGH!

>> I AM S.A.M. I AM S.A.M.

I AM S.A.M.

>> Kove: UGH. ENOUGH OF THAT.

HE'S OBSESSED EVER SINCE HE SAW

THAT SEAN PENN MOVIE.

>> Piper: WHAT A GREAT

WATER-AEROBICS CLASS, RIGHT?

>> Sam: I ALWAYS HAVE SUCH A

GOOD TIME WITH YOU.

OH!

DID I TELL YOU THAT YOUR

EYEBROWS LOOK AMAZING TODAY?

I MEAN, THEY REALLY ARE YOUR

BEST FEATURE.

>> Piper: YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.

AND NOTHING MORE, SAM.

I HAVE SOMETHING REALLY

IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU, BUT NO

ONE ELSE CAN HEAR.

Sam.

>> Sam: Yeah?

>> Piper: YOU CAN'T TELL ANYONE,

BUT I'M A SECRET AGENT!

>> Sam: WHAT?

>> Piper: LISTEN, SAM, IF

ANYTHING IS TO HAPPEN TO ME, YOU

HAVE TO KNOW THAT I ONLY EVER

THOUGHT OF YOU AS A FRIEND,

OKAY?

THERE'S NO WAY I WOULD EVER,

EVER, EVER THINK OF YOU AS

SOMETHING MORE!

>> Sam: WHAT?

>> Piper: SERIOUSLY, YOU CAN'T

TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS.

NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW.

YOU COULD EASILY DIE BECAUSE

OF WHAT YOU KNOW!

>> Sam: WHAT?

>> Piper: YOU COULD DIE!

>> Sam: I WOULD DIE FOR YOU!

>> Piper: WHAT?

>> Sam: WHAT?

>> Piper: WHAT?

>> Sam: WHAT?

>> Piper: [ GASPS ]

NEW CLOTHES? YES!

>> Kove: DISGUISES, REALLY.

WE JUST NEED TO SUBTLY ALTER

YOUR APPEARANCE.

>> Piper: I LIKE THIS, BUT

I LOVE THIS.

>> Kove: THE MORE SUBTLE THE

BETTER.

FINE -- IT'S YOUR MISSION AND

YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO.

AND AGAIN, I'D BE RIGHT THERE

WITH YOU IF I DIDN'T HAVE THIS

DAMN BABY SHOWER TO GO TO.

BUT IT'S A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY,

AND SHE WENT TO MY DAD'S

FUNERAL, SO I HAVE TO GO.

>> Piper: Sam, are you there?

Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam.

>> Sam: I'M HERE. ALWAYS.

I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU.

>> Piper: JUST SO YOU KNOW,

BEING IN THIS HIGH-STRESS

SITUATION DOES NOT CHANGE A

THING ABOUT MY FEELINGS FOR YOU.

NOT A DAMN THING.

>> Sam: YEAH. I GOT IT.

>> Piper: IF I FAIL THIS, YOU

WILL BE KILLED INSTANTLY.

>> Sam: I KNOW.

I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

>> [ Korean accent ] EYEBROW?

>> Piper: NO. WHAT?

MY EYEBROWS ARE PERFECT.

JUST A MANI, PLEASE.

>> [ Speaking Korean ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Piper: I WISH I KNEW WHAT

THEY WERE SAYING.

>> Sam: UH, SHE'S TELLING THEM,

"THIS WOMAN IS SO TALL, LIKE A

BASKETBALL MAN."

>> Piper: OH, THANK YOU.

[ GLASS SHATTERS, MAN GROANING ]

WHAT IS BEHIND THAT SCREEN?

>> MY DOG.

[ GROANING CONTINUES ]

>> Trent: [ Muffled ] HELP ME.

>> Sam: PIPER?

>> Piper: AAH!

YOU CAN FILE THIS ONE UNDER "I'M

ABOUT TO KICK YOUR ASS."

YOU WEST KOREANS SHOULD GO BACK

TO WEST KOREA, WHICH IS LOCATED

IN THE WESTERN PART OF KOREA.

DON'T WORRY.

I'M GONNA GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

[ GROANING CONTINUES ]

I'M GONNA LIBERATE YOU LIKE

WE'RE GONNA LIBERATE THE PEOPLE

OF IRAQ.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

AAH!

>> TSK, TSK, TSK, TSK.

YOUR EYEBROWS ARE GROWING BUSHY.

>> Piper: THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

I'VE BEEN TOLD BY SEVERAL PEOPLE

THAT THEY'RE MY BEST FEATURE.

>> I THINK YOU COULD USE SOME

SHAPING.

>> Piper: WHAT? NO!

NO! PLEASE NO!

THE EYEBROWS ARE THE FRAME TO

THE FACE!

[ EYEBROWS RIP ]

>> IN 10 MINUTES, ALL OF

SAN DIEGO WILL BE BLOWN TO BITS.

THE AIR WILL BE INFECTED WITH

POISONOUS ACRYLIC DUST, AND

WE'LL BE HALFWAY TO MEXICO IN

OUR DAEWOO MINIVAN.

[ SPEAKING KOREAN ]

[ BEEPING ]

>> Piper: I FAILED.

I'M SORRY, PRISONER.

AND I KNOW THAT YOU CAN'T TELL

THIS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY

EYEBROWS AND SO I CAN'T EXPRESS

MY FEELINGS, BUT I LET YOU DOWN,

AND I LET ME DOWN, AND I LET

SAN DIEGO DOWN, AND I LET MY

EYEBROWS DOWN.

>> Sam: YOU DIDN'T LET ME DOWN.

>> Piper: SAM!

SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.

>> Sam: I CAME BACK BECAUSE I

HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO

TELL YOU.

OH, UM...HOLD ON.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYEBROWS?

>> Piper: OH...

WAXED OFF.

>> Sam: MAN, I'M REALLY NOT

ATTRACTED TO YOU WITHOUT YOUR

EYEBROWS.

THAT IS SO CRAZY.

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO TELL

YOU NOW.

LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

>> Kove: NOT SO FAST.

YOU ENTRUSTED SECRET GOVERNMENT

INTEL WITH A CIVILIAN.

NOW WE HAVE TO KILL HIM.

I WARNED YOU ABOUT THIS!

>> Piper: GOODBYE, SAM.

>> Sam: WAIT! WAIT!

UH, I HAVE VALUE. I CAN HELP.

I'LL SHOW YOU.

I GOT THIS, GUYS.

I'M GREAT AT COMPUTERS.

I-I AM. I REALLY AM.

[ BEEP ]

WAIT. WAIT. I CAN DO THIS.

I CAN DO IT.

>> Piper: YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST

SHOT HIM.

>> DISARMED.

>> Sam: I DISARMED IT.

>> Piper: HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

>> Sam: I JUST ENTERED THE

LATITUDE AND LONGITUDE OF

WEST KOREA.

I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT THEM THIS

WEEK.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THEIR NATIONAL

BIRD IS A PIG?

>> Kove: WE COULD USE SOMEONE

LIKE YOU ON THE TEAM.

ARE YOU IN?

>> Sam: YEAH, I MEAN, WHATEVER

IT TAKES FOR YOU NOT TO KILL ME.

>> Trent: [ GROANS ]

>> Kove: OH, SWEETIE, JUST A

MINUTE.

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE THIS PLACE

IS GONNA GET...

NAILED ON CITYSEARCH.

>> Kove: OH, TRENT, IT'S LIKE

PUNS ARE YOUR THING!

>> Trent: YEAH, I HAD A LOT OF

TIME BACK THERE TO COME UP WITH

A BUNCH OF PUNS BASED ON EVERY

TYPE OF DESTRUCTION IMAGINABLE.

I GUESS YOU CAN SAY I'M GONNA

REALLY BRING THE "PUN...

...ISHMENT."

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> Kove: [ LAUGHS ]

>> Piper: LOOK AT US.

WE JUST SAVED SAN DIEGO TOGETHER

AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET YOUR NAME.

>> Kove: IT'S KOVE.

AGENT KOVE.

WELL, I GUESS OUR WORK HERE IS

DONE.

>> Alphonse: EXCUSE ME.

>> Piper: MAY WE HELP YOU?

>> Alphonse: I'M HERE ON SPRING

BREAK FROM ALASKA.

AND I DON'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT,

BUT MY CUTICLES ARE IN NEED OF

SOME HELP.

CAN ANYBODY FIT ME IN?

>> Kove: HMM, MAYBE WE COULD USE

SOMEONE LIKE YOU.

ARE YOU IN?

>> Piper: YOU DON'T SAY THAT TO

EVERYONE, DO YOU?

>> Kove: CERTAINLY.

>> Alphonse: I DON'T KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

BUT I'M IN.

>> Kove: IN?

>> Sam: YEAH.

>> Kove: IN?

>> Trent: IN.

>> Kove: IN?

>> Piper: IN.

>> Kove: WE'RE OUT.

>> Sam: WHERE ARE WE GOING?

>> Trent: WE'RE GOING SOMEWHERE.

I'M PUTTING TOGETHER A TEAM.

>> BEFORE THERE WAS

"NTSF:SD:SUV::," THERE WAS

"NTSF:SD:JEEP GRAND CHEROKEE."

>> Sam: GUYS, NAPSTER HAS TAKEN

OVER THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE'S

COMPUTERS.

>> Alphonse: I CAN'T BELIEVE

THEY CANCELING "FRIENDS."

THEY GOT TO DO A MOVIE.

>> Piper: I'M THINKING ABOUT

GETTING A HAIRCUT, BUT I'M NOT

GONNA RUSH ANYTHING.

>> Sam: I JUST HAVE ONE

QUESTION.

DOES HE COME IN WHITE?

>> Kove: WE NEED A NEW WAY TO

GET AROUND.

WHAT ABOUT A SPORT UTILITY

VEHICLE?