Original subtitles

>> Alphonse: OH, NO! ROPE!

[ WINCES ]

>> ALPHONSE BEARWALKER...

I BELIEVE THIS BELONGS TO ME.

I SHOULD'VE KNOWN YOU WEREN'T A

STABLE BOY WHEN I SAW YOU

MILKING THAT HORSE.

>> Alphonse: THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M NTSF:SD:SUV::.

>> SAN DIEGO POLICE?

[ LAUGHS, SNORTS ]

THERE WON'T EVEN BE A SAN DIEGO

IN 48 HOURS.

YOU SEE, MY PLAN IS ABOUT TO

BEGIN.

>> Alphonse: A REVERSE

REVOLUTION?

>> WE'RE GONNA TAKE BACK WHAT

BELONGS TO US.

THE REDCOATS ARE COMING...BACK!

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> OH, HI, DAISY. HOW ARE YOU?

>> Trent: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE

DOING ON THE BORDER?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

LET'S TURN THIS THING ON

ALREADY.

I'M SWEATING MY BALLS OFF.

[ WHIRRING ]

>> Kove: GREETINGS, EVERYONE.

I'M SORRY I CAN'T BE WITH YOU

RIGHT NOW, BUT I'M AT A FAMILY

FRIEND'S BAT MITZVAH...

WHICH I COULDN'T GET OUT OF.

I HAVE SOME DIRE NEWS.

IT'S BEEN 12 HOURS SINCE THE

STSF:UK:DDB:: LOST CONTACT WITH

ALPHONSE WHILE HE WAS ON

ASSIGNMENT IN LITTLE BRITAIN.

>> AFTER YEARS OF NEGOTIATION,

LITTLE BRITAIN IS GIVING UP ITS

AUTONOMY AND TURNING ITSELF OVER

TO GREATER SAN DIEGO.

UNFORTUNATELY, THERE ARE SOME

RABBLE-ROUSERS OUT THERE WHO

WANT TO STOP US.

THEY JUST HATE SAN DIEGO.

>> Piper: HOW COULD ANYONE HATE

SAN DIEGO?

I MEAN, OUR COLLEGE BAR SCENE IS

UNMATCHED, AND OUR CHICKEN

MASCOT IS THE ENVY OF ALL OF

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.

>> Kove: YOUR JOB IS TO FIND

ALPHONSE AND FIND OUT WHY HE WAS

CAPTURED.

>> FINALLY.

I'LL GET A CHANCE TO DO MY

AMERICAN ACCENT.

>> Trent: WAIT. WHAT?

>> OH, SEE, LITTLE BRITAINS HATE

SCOTS, AND SINCE I CAN'T DO A

BRITISH ACCENT FOR ....

[American accent] I'LL HAVE TO

BE DAISY FROM RHODE ISLAND.

I LOVE GUNS, DRINKING TERRIBLE

BEER, AND THERE'S A 50% CHANCE

I'LL DEVELOP TYPE-2 DIABETES BY

THE TIME I'M 25.

>> Kove: OH, AND SINCE YOU ARE

TECHNICALLY LEAVING SAN DIEGO,

THIS WILL COUNT AGAINST YOUR

VACATION DAYS.

>> Piper: WHAT?

>> NO. THAT'S A GOOD CALL.

>> Sam: HEY, GUYS.

SORRY I'M LATE.

MY SHIFT WENT LONG AT THE FOOD

CO-OP.

>> TAKE HIM WITH YOU IN CASE

SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET SHOT.

WE MUST PRESERVE

REUNIFICATION DAY!

>> Kove: HELP US, NTSF.

YOU'RE OUR ONLY HOPE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MAZEL TOV!

OH, I'M SORRY.

I'VE GOT TO GO.

S.A.M. WILL SELF-DESTRUCT AFTER

THIS MESSAGE.

>> WAIT. WHAT?

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE

LITTLE BRITAIN IS ABOUT TO BE

U.K.O.'d.

>> Piper: WOW!

IT LOOKS JUST LIKE LONDON!

>> BIG BEN LOOKS AMAZING!

>> Trent: I'VE SEEN BETTER

STATUES AT LEGOLAND.

>> HEY. CHAPLAIN.

GOT ANY PRETTY POLLY?

>> Sam: I KNEW WE SHOULD'VE

TAKEN ROSETTA STONE.

>> OI!

WHAT WE GOT HERE -- BUNCH OF

TOURISTS?

>> YEAH, YOU FOREIGN [CLOCK

CHIMING] TOSSERS.

HOW 'BOUT I TAKE THIS CRICKET

BAT AND SMASH YOU ON YOUR

[CHIME] HEAD, YOU BUNCH OF

WANKERS?!

HOW 'BOUT I KICK YOU IN THE

[CHIME] AND PUT YOU ON THE

FLOOR, AND KICK YOU IN THE

[CHIME] TEETH TILL YOUR [CHIME]

EYES FALL OUT?!

>> WHAT NOW, YO?!

>> Sam: I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO

DO.

>> Piper: DAMN IT, SAM!

>> STEP AWAY FROM THE DIEGANS.

>> WHO ARE YOU?

>> STSF:UK:DDB::.

>> SOCIALIZED TERRORISM STRIKE

FORCE: UNITED KINGDOM:

DOUBLE-DECKER BUS::...

FOR SHORT.

LET ME DEDUCE.

THE HEEL OF YOUR FRONT FOOT IS

PARTIALLY OFF THE GROUND,

INDICATING THE WEIGHT IS ON YOUR

REAR FOOT, MAKING YOU VULNERABLE

TO ATTACK.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> SWIFT LIKE THE PANTHER.

I STUDIED WING CHUN IN BURMA,

WHICH ALLOWS ME TO USE YOUR OWN

FORCE AGAINST YOU, ALLOWING ME

TO FELL MY OPPONENT...

>> Piper: OHH!

>> ...AND BOWL HIM WITH A

GOOGLY.

>> [ WHIMPERING, YELPS ]

>> THANK YOU, GRAHAM.

>> WELCOME TO LITTLE BRITAIN,

MATES.

>> THIS IS A BRAIN TRUST OF OUR

COUNTER-TERRORISM AND SECURITY

ORGANIZATION, WHERE ALL THE BIG

DECISIONS ARE MADE.

>> EXACTLY!

SO, DARJEELING OR EARL GREY?

>> Trent: TEA? NO, THANK YOU.

I PREFER MY HOT WATER

UNFLAVORED.

>> THE NAME'S LOCKHEED.

JUST TO WARN YOU, I'M EXTREMELY

INTELLIGENT.

SO IT'LL BE VERY DIFFICULT FOR

YOU TO KEEP UP WITH ME.

>> Trent: BUT YOU DIDN'T DO

ANYTHING.

>> LOOK AGAIN.

>> Trent: YEAH -- NOTHING.

>> MAKING EVERY FACE OF THE CUBE

THE SAME COLOR IS EASY.

CREATING A PATTERN SUCH AS THAT

CAN ONLY BE ACCOMPLISHED BY AN

INCREDIBLE MIND.

>> ATTENTION!

>> GREETINGS, NTSF.

I'M THE PRIME MINISTER OF THE

ROYAL NAVY.

LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY

CURRENT HEADACHE.

SIR ALFRED CORNINGHAM.

>> Trent: [ SCOFFS ]

WHAT'S WITH THE PAINTING?

CAN'T AFFORD A HOLOGRAM?

>> HOLOGRAMS? HOW UNCIVILIZED.

WE'RE NOT COAL MINERS.

>> MY MOTHER WAS A COAL MINER.

>> INTELLIGENCE SUGGESTS

CORNINGHAM PLANS TO SABOTAGE

REUNIFICATION DAY.

IF MY HUNCH IS CORRECT, AND IT

ALWAYS IS, I BELIEVE HE'S THE

MAN WHO'S APPROPRIATED YOUR

AGENT.

THE QUESTION IS, HOW DO THEY

RELATE?

>> NOW, WE'VE MANAGED TO GET YOU

TWO LADIES AN AUDIENCE AT

CORNINGHAM'S MANOR.

ONCE INSIDE THE GROUNDS, YOU CAN

SEARCH FOR YOUR MAN.

>> Piper: OOH, A MANOR!

I'VE ALWAYS FANCIED THE IDEA OF

BEING AN ARISTOCRAT -- NODDING

AT THE POOR AND MARRYING A

COUSIN FOR MONEY.

>> ACTUALLY, YOU'LL BE POSING AS

DAISY'S SERVANT.

BUT BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO

SURRENDER YOUR GUNS.

>> Trent: WITHOUT GUNS, WE'LL BE

LIKE SITTING DUCKS -- YOU KNOW,

THE KIND OF DUCKS WITHOUT GUNS.

>> WE USE VERBAL BULLETS HERE.

THEY WON'T KILL YOU, BUT THEY

WILL WOUND YOU FOR A LIFETIME.

>> I DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD A GUN!

>> Piper: WHOA, WHOA.

>> WE'LL BE IN CONTACT WITH YOUR

OFFICE IN SAN DIEGO, KEEPING

THEM ABREAST OF ALL THE DETAILS

AS WE GET THEM.

>> Piper: I MEAN, WITH ALPHONSE

GONE AND THE THREE OF US OVER

HERE IN LITTLE BRITAIN, WHO'S

LEFT AT NTSF?

>> Trent: WELL, KOVE, THE

P.O.T.N., AND REGGIE, THE SUV

MECHANIC.

LOVE THAT GUY.

>> DING-DONG!

I'M JUST KIDDING.

I KNOW THERE'S NO DOORBELL HERE.

HEY, UH, IS NOW A BAD TIME?

>> YEAH, IT'S THE WORST TIME

POSSIBLE!

ALL HELL'S BREAKING LOOSE!

>> HMM.

WELL, I NOTICED THAT YOU WERE

SHORT ON SOME AGENTS, AND I

THOUGHT MAYBE I COULD OFFER MY

SERVICES IN ANY AGENT-TYPE

DUTIES THAT YOU MIGHT NEED.

YOU CAN START OFF BY ISSUING ME

A GUN.

>> THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA --

>> Kove: NO!

>> UH, NO!

>> FINE. YEAH.

WE CAN TAKE CARE OF THE GUN SOME

OTHER TIME.

UH, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I'M OFF TO LUNCH.

I'M-A TAKE THE ROBOT OUT.

>> WHOA-OH-OH! ROBOTS DON'T EAT!

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S CAMARADERIE.

WE'RE COWORKERS.

>> ARE YOU HAVING SEX WITH THE

ROBOT, REGGIE?

>> IS THAT A CRIME?

>> Kove: NO, IT'S NOT A CRIME.

>> THANK YOU.

>> OI, GUV, SPARE US A SHILLING.

>> [ GROANS ]

OI!

WHOA, THERE, BOY!

THERE'S NO PLACE FOR STREET

URCHINS 'ROUND HERE.

GO AND PICKPOCKET SOMEWHERE ELSE

OR END UP IN A DEBTOR'S PRISON.

>> Sam: HEY, I'M NOT A

PICKPOCKET.

>> WELL, IF YOU'RE NOT AN

ABANDONED ORPHAN, WHY ARE YOU

DRESSING LIKE THAT?

>> Sam: THIS -- THESE ARE NICE

CLOTHES.

>> HE SHOULD BE IN SCHOOL, AND

HE'S STEALING OUR UMBRELLAS!

LYNCH HIM!

>> SALLY FORTH!

>> Sam: SORRY. WHAT?

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

>> AFTER THOSE TWO YOUNG BOYS!

>> I'M ASHAMED TO ADMIT THAT WE

HADN'T REALIZED HIS GRACE HAD AN

AMERICAN COUSIN SUITABLE FOR

MARRIAGE, UNTIL WE RECEIVED YOUR

E-MAIL THIS MORNING BY HORSE.

>> YOU BETCHA!

I'M DOLLY LEE WASHINGTON.

I'M OBVIOUSLY THE AMERICAN

COUSIN FROM EPCOT, U.S.A.!

WHOO!

AND THIS IS MY SERVANT GIRL.

>> Piper: [ British accent ] MY

NAME'S BLAIR -- BLAIR THATCHER.

AND I'M FROM

SHIRE-ON-THE-THAMES.

>> ENOUGH, BLAIR.

SERVANTS AREN'T TO LOOK

ARISTOCRACY IN THE EYE.

>> ROBINSON.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT TWO

GREAT BEAUTIES WERE JOINING US

AT THE MANOR.

WOULD YOU CARE FOR SOMETHING TO

DRINK?

>> OH, DON'T BOTHER WITH HER.

SHE'S JUST MY WORTHLESS

LADY-SERVANT.

I WILL TAKE A TALL GLASS OF

HIGH-FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

AND YOU, MISS?

>> Piper: OI, I'LL, UH, JUST

TAKE A CUP OF MUD.

IT'S ALL THAT'S FIT FOR A TOILET

PERSON LIKE ME.

>> WONDERFUL.

ROBINSON.

UH, WOULD YOU PLEASE FETCH THEIR

BEVERAGES?

>> YES.

>> SHALL I SHOW YOU THE GROUNDS?

>> HECK YEAH!

[ CHUCKLES ]

SERVANT GIRL, GRAB AND UNPACK MY

LUGGAGE.

AND BE CAREFUL.

IT'S FILLED WITH MY FINEST

AMERICAN JORTS AND NOVELTY

T-SHIRTS.

[ GIGGLES ]

>> Piper: SHE THINKS SHE'S SO

MUCH BETTER THAN US DOWNSTAIRS

GIRLS.

>> Trent: [ CHUCKLES ]

I LOVE THESE GUYS.

WHATEVER YOU DO, THEY CAN'T

MOVE.

THEY CAN'T BLINK. WATCH.

[ YELLS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

HE'S GREAT.

>> HE'S DEAD.

>> Trent: ALL RIGHT.

>> HIS WALLET IS INTACT.

BUT HIS KEYS ARE MISSING.

THIS IS NO ORDINARY MUGGING.

SOMETHING LARGER IS AT STAKE.

BUT WHAT?

AGENT TRENT, WHAT'S YOUR

ASSESSMENT?

>> Trent: HE WAS...DOING

SOMETHING, AND HE WAS SOMEWHERE.

THEN HE CAME HERE.

AND THEN SOMEONE OR SOMETHING

KILLED HIM.

>> RIGHT.

WELL...MOVING ON.

I SEARCHED THE AREA AROUND THE

SCENE AND FOUND THIS.

IT'S A BEER MAT --

COMES FROM A PUB CALLED

THE ITCHY QUAIL.

IT'S GOT A SPOT OF BLOOD ON IT.

>> NEVER MIND THAT.

WE'RE GOING TO THE ITCHY QUAIL

TO LOOK FOR CLUES.

COME ON, TRENT.

>> COME ON! QUICKLY!

>> Sam: I'M NOT AN ORPHAN!

THESE ARE REGULAR CLOTHES MADE

OF REPURPOSED HEMP!

>> OOH, WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

A NEW RECRUIT.

WELL DONE, TIMOTHY.

LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THIS...

YOUNG LAD.

>> Sam: UH, I'M NOT YOUNG.

YOU MAYBE HAVE 5 YEARS ON ME.

I'M NOT LOOKING TO BE TOUCHED OR

WHATEVER GOES ON HERE.

>> IF YOU WANT TO JOIN OUR MERRY

BAND, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEARN

HOW TO PICK POCKETS...

>> Sam: HEY, MAN.

>> ...AND SING SONGS ABOUT YOUR

POVERTY-FILLED LIFE.

[ ALL VOCALIZE ]

>> [ VOCALIZES ]

>> MADE ME FORGET THE WORDS NOW!

>> SO, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

THIS WHOLE, BIG-ASS PLACE IS ALL

YOURS?

>> ALAS, YES.

WHAT'S THE USE, IF THERE'S NO

ONE TO SHARE IT WITH?

MS. WASHINGTON, UH, WOULD YOU

LIKE TO SEE THE LIBRARY?

OUR COLLECTION IS MOST

IMPRESSIVE.

>> OH, I'D LOVE THAT.

AS AN AMERICAN, I DON'T NORMALLY

SEE ANY BOOKS.

>> DELIGHTFUL.

UH, WELL, IF YOU GO INSIDE,

ACROSS THE HALL, TURN RIGHT, UP

THE STAIRS TWO FLIGHTS, THEN

DOWN THREE MORE CORRIDORS, AND

IT'S THE SECOND DOOR ON YOUR

LEFT.

>> W-- YOU'RE NOT COMING?

>> NO.

>> OKAY.

>> FINALLY, WE'RE ALONE!

COME WITH ME.

>> Piper: MILORD, ARE YOU MAD?

>> I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT

YOU.

>> Piper: MUST BE OUT OF YOUR

HEAD, MILORD.

I'M JUST A SERVANT, A BIT OF

EXCREMENT IN HUMAN FORM, LIKE A

DANCE MOM ON THE TELLY SHOW

"DANCE MOMS."

>> I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

>> Piper: WHAT?

[ GASPS ]

I NEVER HELD ANYTHING SO NICE.

ALPHONSE?

>> THE -- THE DESIGNER.

UH, ALPHONSE...ALPHONSE.

>> SIR, THE ITEM YOU REQUESTED

HAS BEEN RECEIVED.

>> EXCELLENT!

THERE'S SOMETHING I REALLY MUST

ATTEND TO.

>> MADAM.

>> Piper: [ Normal voice ] KOVE,

IT'S PIPER.

I HAVE SOME SHOCKING

INFORMATION.

DAISY'S IN LOVE WITH CORNINGHAM,

AND CORNINGHAM ISN'T IN LOVE

WITH DAISY.

CORNINGHAM IS IN LOVE WITH ME,

EVEN THOUGH I'M A SERVANT GIRL.

AND I JUST HEARD FROM DOWNSTAIRS

THAT THE FOOTMAN IMPREGNATED THE

KITCHEN MAID, AND NOW THE VALET

KNOWS ABOUT IT, AND HE'S GONNA

HANG IT OVER THEIR HEADS.

OH, ALSO, ALPHONSE IS PROBABLY

DEAD.

>> Kove: [ GASPS ]

OH, IT CAN'T BE!

MY DEAR ALPHONSE!

PRIZED AGENT, PROUD ALASKAN...

MY SECRET LOVER.

[ SOBBING ]

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> I MUST APOLOGIZE FOR THE

KIDNAPPING AND THE BEATINGS.

NOT VERY SPORTING OF ME, I'M

AFRAID.

HAVE SOME WATER.

>> Alphonse: [ GROANS ]

>> WE ARE NOTHING WITHOUT OUR

MANNERS.

PERFECT.

NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR DNA AND

FINGERPRINTS ALL OVER THIS

GLASS, I CAN CONTINUE WITH MY

PLAN TO FRAME YOU FOR THE

ASSASSINATION OF THE

PRIME MINISTER OF THE

ROYAL NAVY...

>> Alphonse: WHAT?

>> ...THUS STOPPING

REUNIFICATION DAY AND KEEPING

LITTLE BRITAIN SOVEREIGN.

>> Alphonse: THAT'S WHY I NEVER

DRINK WATER.

LISTEN, I'M GONNA ESCAPE FROM

THIS PLACE, IF IT'S THE LAST

THING I DO!

>> ANNA?

>> YES, SIR.

I'M HERE TO TEND TO YOUR

PATIENT.

>> Alphonse: ACTUALLY, I MIGHT

STAY.

>> NOW, LET'S SEE IF GRAHAM'S

CLUE CAN LEAD TO WHAT I LIKE TO

CALL...INFORMATION.

>> Trent: YEAH.

WE ALL CALL IT THAT.

>> DEATH TO SAN DIEGO!

>> WE'RE LOCKED IN!

IT'S A TRAP.

BEER MAT!

[ BOTH SIGH ]

>> [ GROANS ]

>> BLIMEY.

>> I THOUGHT WE CONFISCATED YOUR

GUN.

>> Trent: YEAH.

WELL, I ALWAYS KEEP A SPARE.

>> NOW, THIS MUST ALL BE

CONNECTED.

WE NEED TO SEARCH THE PLACE

CAREFULLY AND PAINSTAKINGLY FOR

CLUES.

>> Trent: [ GROWLS ]

>> [ WHIMPERING ]

>> Trent: WHO KILLED THE GUARD?!

WHO SET US UP?!

HERE YOU GO, MR. FISH AND CHIPS.

>> [ SCREAMING ]

>> Trent: WHY ARE YOUR

TV SEASONS SO SHORT?!

TELL ME! TELL ME!

>> GOD, MAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Trent: IN SAN DIEGO, CLUES

ARE WHAT WE GET WHEN WE TORTURE

PEOPLE.

>> [ CRYING ]

>> Trent: YOU BETTER CALL THE

COPS, 'CAUSE I JUST COMMITTED

ASSAULT AND VINEGAR.

>> [ SCREAMING ]

>> ALL RIGHT, SAM.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

[ BELL JINGLES ]

[ SIGHS ]

[ BELL JINGLES ]

[ BELLS JINGLING ]

>> Sam: DAMN IT.

I HAVE HUGE HANDS.

>> STEALING ISN'T ABOUT THE SIZE

OF YOUR HANDS.

IT'S ABOUT THE SIZE OF YOUR

HEART.

>> Sam: HONESTLY, I'M PRETTY

SURE IT'S -- IT'S ABOUT THE SIZE

OF THE HANDS.

>> HOW BIG ARE MY HANDS...SAM?

>> Sam: WHAT? HOW'D YOU DO THAT?

>> YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HEALING

NICELY.

>> Alphonse: IT'S MY ALASKAN

HERITAGE.

WE HAVE SPECIAL SKILLS WHEN IT

COMES TO HEALING AND SPOTTING

FAKE ROLEXES.

WHOA, CHEEKY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> I'M TENDING TO YOUR WOUNDS,

EVEN THE EMOTIONAL ONES.

LAY WITH ME, ALPHONSE.

BUT FIRST, UM...

DO YOU HAVE ANY STRAINS OF

HEPATITIS?

>> Alphonse: IT'S PRONOUNCED

"HERPES," AND NO.

>> I'M IN LOVE.

>> Piper: DAISY. DAISY.

CORNINGHAM DEFINITELY CAPTURED

AND PROBABLY KILLED ALPHONSE.

HE GAVE ME THIS NECKLACE.

>> WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUB IT IN

MY FACE?

HE LIKES YOU BETTER.

CONGRATULATIONS.

AND I SAW YOU TWO STROLLING

THROUGH THE GARDEN TOGETHER,

BRIMMING WITH SUPPRESSED SEXUAL

TENSION.

>> Piper: I KNOW.

AND IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST

MAGICAL MOMENTS I'VE EVER

EXPERIENCED.

BUT HE'S STILL A BAD GUY THAT WE

NEED TO TAKE DOWN.

>> NOT SO FAST, MS. WASHINGTON.

>> Piper: ROBINSON?

>> YOU THINK I'M JUST THE

BUTLER.

BUT, ACTUALLY, I'M CORNINGHAM'S

CO-CONSPIRATOR, AND I'LL PROTECT

HIS PLAN TO STOP REUNIFICATION

AT ALL COSTS, EVEN IF IT MEANS

THE ACCIDENTAL KILLING OF A

SILLY AMERICAN AND HER

INCREDIBLY FIT SERVANT.

>> INCREDIBLY FIT SERVANT?

WHAT ABOUT ME?

LOOK AT THESE LEGS!

>> [ GROANS ]

>> Piper: LOOKS LIKE HE JUST

FELL ON HIS BUTT...LER.

>> RIGHT. THERE'S YOUR CHAP.

TIME TO PUT IT TO THE TEST, MY

LAD.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, AND YOU CAN

STEAL ANYTHING.

>> Sam: NO ONE'S EVER BELIEVED

IN ME BEFORE...

OR LENT ME CLOTHES.

THANK YOU, SAGAN.

I REALLY FEEL LIKE I'M PART OF A

FAMILY.

>> YOU ARE, MY LAD.

YOU ARE.

>> OI! YOU, THERE!

PICKPOCKETS AREN'T WELCOME

'ROUND HERE!

>> WHAT THE HELL?

>> Sam: PLEASE!

HELL, I'M NOT AN ORPHAN!

PLEASE STOP! I'M NOT AN ORPHAN!

SIRS, I'M NOT A PICKPOCKET.

>> OH, I SUPPOSE YOU DO NEED A

BIGGER HEART.

>> NOW, LET THE INTERROGATION

BEGIN.

>> BLINKING HECK, ME CUP OF

TEA'S EMPTY.

>> OH. I DO BEG YOUR PARDON.

A THOUSAND APOLOGIES.

>> HAVE YOU GOT SWEETENERS?

>> SORRY. NO.

>> [ GROANS ]

>> NOW, ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT

PART OF A PLOT CONSPIRING

AGAINST THE CROWN?

>> NO.

>> AH!

HE WON'T BUDGE. THIS IS USELESS.

>> YOU'RE A TOSSER, YOU ARE.

>> GETTING HIM TO TALK IS LIKE

PULLING TEETH.

YOU TWO TAKE A BREAK.

I'M GONNA KEEP AT IT.

>> FANCY A PINT?

>> Trent: SURE.

>> WHAT'S TAKING HIM SO BLOODY

LONG?

>> THIS YOUR FRIEND?

>> Trent: HEY, YOU FOUND

WHAT'S-HIS-NAME.

>> I CAUGHT HIM NICKING WALLETS.

>> Sam: I TOLD YOU.

I SOMEHOW GOT RECRUITED TO BE AN

ORPHAN PICKPOCKET AND JUST SORT

OF IMMEDIATELY WENT ALONG WITH

IT, PROBABLY 'CAUSE MY SISTER

ALWAYS MADE FUN OF ME, AND YOU

GUYS DON'T REALLY MAKE ME FEEL

LIKE I'M PART OF A FAM-- OOH.

THANK YOU.

[ MUFFLED SCREAMING ]

>> I FOUND OUT THE PLAN.

TURNS OUT, IT WAS LIKE PULLING

TEETH.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> Trent: THAT'S GREAT.

YOU LEARNED HOW TO TORTURE AND

THE ART OF THE PUN.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

NOW, WHAT'S THE PLAN?

>> ROBINSON KILLED THE GUARD TO

STEAL HIS APARTMENT KEY SO

CORNINGHAM COULD HAVE THE

PERFECT VANTAGE POINT FROM WHICH

TO ASSASSINATE THE PRIME MINSTER

OF THE ROYAL NAVY.

WE NEED TO KEEP YOU AWAY FROM

THERE.

>> NO.

I SHALL GIVE MY SPEECH.

REUNIFICATION IS TOO IMPORTANT.

AND IF I'M NOT DEAD AT THE END

OF IT, I'LL KNOW YOU'VE DONE

YOUR JOB.

NOW, I HAVE A SPEECH TO GIVE,

AND I'M LATE AS IT IS.

OH, JUST A MINUTE.

[ EXHALES ] GOOD DAY.

>> Trent: DAISY, PIPER, YOU

COVER THE P.M.O.T.R.N.

SAM, YOU COME WITH US IN CASE WE

NEED A TARGET TO DRAW GUNFIRE.

LET'S GO.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> GREETINGS, EVERYONE.

UH, JUST A HEADS-UP -- I MIGHT

BE ASSASSINATED AT SOME POINT

DURING THIS SPEECH, SO WE'LL

DESIGNATE THOSE FIRST FEW ROWS

THERE AS THE SPLASH ZONE.

>> Trent: CORNINGHAM!

>> OH, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, YOU

SAN DIEGANS ARE BECOMING QUITE

TROUBLESOME.

HOW DID YOU DECIPHER MY PLAN?

>> Trent: ELEMENTARY, MY DEAR

CORNINGHAM.

ELEMENTARY.

>> AND A LITTLE BIT OF TORTURE.

MOSTLY TORTURE.

>> IT'S TOO LATE NOW, ANYWAY.

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PULL THE

TRIGGER, AND THE PRIME MINISTER

OF THE ROYAL NAVY IS DEAD,

AND REUNIFICATION IS DOOMED.

>> Sam: UH, HELLO?

WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED.

THE JIG IS UP.

YOU'RE ALONE UP HERE.

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> OH, NO, HE ISN'T.

DROP IT.

AND I'M NOT SHARING IT WITH

SAN DIEGO.

>> IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

THE BEER MAT YOU FOUND -- YOU

PLANTED IT TO SET US UP TO BE

AMBUSHED.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

'CAUSE I'M NOT STANDING BY AS

LITTLE BRITAIN'S COLONIZED BY A

BUNCH OF BEER PONG-PLAYING

SURFERS.

>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEER PONG?

IT'S JUST LIKE SNOOKER, EXCEPT

THE BALLS GET WET!

>> DON'T BITE ME!

>> BLIMEY.

>> [ GRUNTING ]

>> Trent: IT'S CALLED SOCCER.

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE I...SOCKED

HIM.

>> TRENT, LOOK!

>> Trent: CORNINGHAM, FREEZE!

>> GOD SAVE LITTLE BRITAIN!

[ GUN CLICKING ]

WHAT?

[ WHIMPERING ]

>> Sam: MIGHT BE HARD TO SHOOT

WITHOUT BULLETS.

NOT BAD FOR A GUY WITH HUGE,

WEIRD HANDS.

>> Piper: CORNINGHAM!

>> CORNINGHAM!

>> WAIT.

HELLO.

>> Piper: HI.

>> HOW DARE YOU SAY NO TO THIS

PRIME CUT OF AMERICAN BEEF?

>> [ SCREAMING ]

>> NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN

200 YEARS --

[ CRASH ]

[ CROWD GASPS ]

>> Piper: WELL, I GUESS IT'S

LIKE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE ALWAYS

SAYS -- HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A

WOMAN SCORNED.

>> AND AS TYLER PERRY SAYS,

NEVER MAKE A BLACK WOMAN TAKE

OFF HER EARRINGS.

>> Piper: AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH.

>> LET LITTLE BRITAIN AND

GREATER SAN DIEGO BE JOINED AS

ONE.

>> GNARLY KEY, BRITISH DUDE.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

WONDERFUL.

I DIDN'T GET ASSASSINATED.

>> Kove: FINALLY, THE

PLANTAR'S WART OF LITTLE BRITAIN

HAS BEEN FROZEN OFF THE FOOT OF

SAN DIEGO.

>> NOW EVERY SAN DIEGAN CAN

DRIVE ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE

ROAD, THE WAY GOD INTENDED.

>> BUT AT WHAT COST?

WE THINK JUST BECAUSE WE'RE

AMERICANS, WE CAN BARGE INTO A

FOREIGN LAND AND TELL PEOPLE HOW

TO LIVE THEIR LIVES USING FORCE,

DESTROYING CULTURES?

AN EYE FOR AN EYE LEAVES THE

WORLD BLIND.

BUT IN THE WORLD OF THE BLIND,

THE ONE-EYED MAN IS KING.

>> WOW.

THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT.

YOU KNOW, I THINK WE COULD

REALLY USE SOMEONE LIKE YOU...

TO GO DOWN TO THE GARAGE AND PUT

SOME BUMPER NUTS ON MY TRUCK.

HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN THIS?

THEY'RE LIKE BALLS, BUT YOU PUT

THEM ON YOUR BUMPER, SO IT MAKES

YOUR TRUCK LOOK LIKE IT ACTUALLY

HAS NUTS!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THESE BIG, FAT NUTS!

>> I CAN PUT A DONG ON YOUR HOOD

AS AN ORNAMENT.

>> OH! NOW, THAT'S AMERICAN!

>> All: CHEERS.

>> Piper: WE DID IT.

>> SO, THE SUN FINALLY SETS ON

THE LITTLE BRITISH EMPIRE.

[ SIGHS ]

I FEEL A KINSHIP WITH YOU,

TRENT.

IN A DIFFERENT WORLD, PERHAPS

YOU AND I COULD'VE BEEN FRIENDS

OR LOVERS.

NO. JUST FRIENDS.

LET'S STICK WITH THAT.

>> Trent: WHERE -- WHERE THE

HELL ARE MY SUNGLASSES?

>> Sam: THESE?

>> Trent: [ SIGHS ]

>> Sam: BIG HANDS, SMALL HEART

WORKS FOR ME.

>> Piper: SAM, DON'T BE A DICK.

>> IT'S SUCH A SHAME ALPHONSE

HAD TO DIE.

>> Trent: WAIT A SECOND.

REFRESH MY MEMORY.

WHO'S ALPHONSE?

>> Alphonse: [ GRUNTS ]

ANNA?

>> TO MY DEAREST ALPHONSE, I

MUST CONFESS I'VE ONLY BEEN

TENDING TO YOU SO I COULD DRUG

YOU, STEAL YOUR ORGANS, AND SELL

THEM TO THE CAMBODIAN HERBAL

MEDICINE INDUSTRY.

HOWEVER, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN

MY THOUGHTS...BECAUSE OF THE

MONEY I'VE MADE VIA SELLING YOUR

INNARDS.

P.S. I'M A DUDE.

>> Alphonse: OHH, BOLLOCKS!