Original subtitles

[ PIGEONS COO ]

>> IT WAS ALL TOO EASY TO

CAPTURE THE GREAT

TRENT HAUSER.

>> Sam: GIVE IT UP, LEMUIR.

THE JIG IS UP.

>> AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M

READY TO JUST RELEASE

NTSF:SD:SUV::'S NUMBER-ONE

AGENT?

>> Sam: WHO SAYS HE'S NUMBER

ONE?

>> YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, BLOG

ME TO DEATH?

>> Sam: NO, I'M GONNA KILL YOU

TO DEATH.

>> Trent: THANKS, TRENT.

>> Sam: YOU GOT IT, SAM.

TOO BAD LEMUIR DIDN'T COUNT ON

US SWITCHING FACES.

>> WAIT...

YOU TWO SWITCHED FACES?

WHAT POSSIBLE GOOD COULD THAT

DO FOR THIS MISSION?

>> Trent: WELL, HE...

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE HE HAD AN

ACE IN HIS FACE.

OR WAIT, NO --

>> Sam: STOP!

LOOKS LIKE HIS PLAN FELL FLAT ON

ITS FACE.

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> YOU GUYS GOT BACK JUST IN

TIME.

A FEW MORE HOURS IN THE FIELD

WITHOUT THE IMMUNO-SUPPRESSOR

MEDICATION, AND YOUR BODIES

WOULD START TO REJECT YOUR

FACES.

>> Kove: IT'S JUST AMAZING HOW

FAR FACE-SWAPPING TECHNOLOGY HAS

COME.

IN MY DAY, WE DID IT WITH

NOTHING BUT STAPLES, THE FACE OF

A DRIFTER, AND GUMPTION.

>> Piper: LET'S CHANGE YOUR

FACES BACK.

>> Trent: MAN, DO WE REALLY HAVE

TO SWITCH OUR FACES?

I KIND OF LIKE BEING TRENT.

>> Sam: GOD, NO.

I CAN'T SPEND ONE MORE MINUTE IN

THIS...BODY WITH THIS

GIN BLOSSOMS TATTOO BEHIND MY

EAR.

[ SIGHS ]

>> Piper: DAISY, ARE YOU GONNA

BE THERE ON FRIDAY NIGHT AT

MY GAME NIGHT?

BECAUSE I JUST GOT THIS NEW GAME

WHERE YOU ACTUALLY TRADE IN

GRAINS --

>> OH, YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, I

HAVE A THING.

I'LL TRY TO SWING BY.

>> Piper: OKAY.

COMMANDER KOVE, ARE YOU GONNA BE

THERE ON FRIDAY NIGHT?

>> Kove: WHAT? WHAT'S THAT?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THIS

FACE-SWAPPING MACHINE.

>> Trent: [ SIGHS ]

OH, MAN.

I CAN'T GO BACK TO THAT FACE.

>> Piper: TRENT!

OH, WAIT, NO...SAM!

NO...TRENT!

>> Alphonse: HEY, TRENT, YOU'RE

BACK.

>> Trent: GET THE HELL OUT OF

THE WAY, ALPHONSE!

>> Alphonse: "GET THE HELL OUT

OF MY WAY, ALPHONSE" -- CLASSIC

TRENT.

>> Kove: IS HE AWAKE?

DO YOU NEED TO OPERATE?

>> Sam: MIRROR.

MIRROR!

[ GRUNTS ]

WHERE'S MY FACE?

>> Kove: YOUR FACE WAS STOLEN.

SAM MADE OFF WITH IT.

THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO, SO

LET'S NOT DWELL ON IT.

>> Piper: TRENT, WE ARE GOING TO

FIND HIM.

PROBABLY.

>> Trent: OKAY, SAM.

YOU'RE TRENT NOW, RIGHT?

SO, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS ACT COOL

LIKE TRENT DOES -- HAUSER STYLE,

YEAH, HAUSER STYLE -- I LIKE

THAT.

JUST BE VERY COOL.

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

YOU PICKED THE WRONG ALLEY,

FRIEND.

>> HAND OVER THE WALLET, MAN.

>> Trent: I'LL GIVE YOU WHATEVER

YOU WANT, JUST DON'T HURT MY

FACE.

I JUST GOT IT!

>> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

THAT'S THAT CRAZY NTSF AGENT --

THE ONE WHO HAD US SENT OUT TO

GITMO FOR LOITERING, MAN.

>> OH. NO.

PLEASE, I CAN'T SPEND ANOTHER

DECADE OF MY LIFE IN A STRESS

POSITION.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

TAKE OUR WALLETS, MAN.

>> TAKE OUR WALLETS.

>> OKAY, TAKE IT!

>> [ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE MY NEW MUG

IS PREVENTING ME FROM GETTING

MUGGED.

[ LAUGHS ]

I'M GETTING PRETTY GOOD AT PU--

OH, SORRY.

GETTING PRETTY --

[ SCOFFS ]

THIS IS HARDER THAN IT LOOKS.

>> Sam: IF I WERE SAM, WHAT

WOULD I DO?

>> Alphonse: PROBABLY TRY AND GO

SWIMMING IN A T-SHIRT.

[ ALL CHUCKLE ]

>> Sam: WHAT'S THIS?

SOME KIND OF COMMIE BIKE CLUB?

LOOKS LIKE I'M GOING TO HAVE

TO...FOLLOW THAT NERD.

>> NICE PUN, TRENT.

GOOD LUCK.

>> POOR TRENT!

YOU KNOW SAM COULD HAVE STOLEN

ANY ONE OF OUR FACES, EVEN

ALPHONSE'S.

>> Alphonse: HE WOULDN'T STEAL

MY FACE, WOULD HE?

>> Kove: WE'RE ALL POTENTIAL

FACE-THEFT TARGETS, AND THERE'S

NO TELLING HOW LOW A LOSER LIKE

SAM MIGHT GO.

>> Piper: WOW, WE'RE BEING

PRETTY HONEST ABOUT SAM.

>> Kove: WELL, HE'S NOT HERE.

AND THE BEST TIME TO BE HONEST

ABOUT SOMEONE IS BEHIND THEIR

BACK.

>> Piper: INTERESTING.

>> Sam: UGH, BICYCLES.

THEY'RE LIKE UNICYCLES, EXCEPT

BEARS DON'T RIDE THEM.

>> SAM!

WHAT'S UP, MY SPIRIT BROTHER?

READY TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT

BIKES ARE THE FUTURE BY RIDING

10 MILES AN HOUR THROUGH MAJOR

CITY STREETS?

>> Sam: HEY, I'M LOOKING FOR A

MAN -- HANDSOME, INTIMIDATING,

GOOD HAIR.

>> [SCOFFS] HE LOOKS LIKE MY

DAD.

OH, WE STILL ON FOR FLUTE CIRCLE

THIS WEEKEND?

IT'S LIKE A DRUM CIRCLE ONLY

LESS CONFRONTATIONAL.

>> Sam: GOD, NO.

I'M AN ALPHA MALE.

>> [CHUCKLES] THAT'S FUNNY!

THAT'S, UH...

THAT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER

HEARD YOU BE EVEN CLOSE TO

FUNNY.

NICE WORK, SAM!

>> Sam: HEY, STAY IN THE BIKE

LAME.

>> "LAME" OR "LANE"?

>> Sam: LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE

GEARING UP.

>> THAT'S FUNNY.

>> Sam: I HOPE YOU SCHWINN.

>> THANK YOU.

THAT'S A LOT OF PUNS.

>> Alphonse: HEY, PIPER.

I CAN'T COME TO YOUR GAME NIGHT.

>> Piper: [ As Daisy ] IT'S

DAISY, NOT PIPER.

PIPER AND I SWITCHED FACES.

>> Alphonse: THIS IS EXACTLY

WHAT MY MOTHER SAID WOULD

HAPPEN.

THE DAY OF THE FACE-SNATCHERS IS

UPON US.

>> Piper: LISTEN, REAL QUICK

BEFORE I SWITCH FACES BACK WITH

PIPER.

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE WANT TO GO TO

PIPER'S GAME NIGHTS?

>> Alphonse: BOARD GAMES ARE TOO

COMPLICATED AND THE DICE ARE ALL

MESSED UP.

SHE'S WAY TOO COMPETITIVE.

>> Piper: SETTLERS OF CATAN IS

TOO COMPLICATED.

[ Normal voice ] OKAY.

>> Trent: TRENT HAUSER'S HOUSE.

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE TRENT,

YOU GOTTA TO LIVE LIKE TRENT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT'S THAT?

>> I WAS LIKE "HOLY, GUACAMOLE!"

>> BECAUSE AN ACTUAL PRIEST MADE

IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Trent: HEY, WHAT'S UP GUYS?

>> QUICK, DEB, HIDE THE KNIVES.

>> YOU GOING TO TASER ME?

>> Trent: HEY, IT'S ME -- YOUR

NEIGHBOR, TRENT.

>> WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

YOU TORTURED A MAN IN OUR GARAGE

WHILE WE WERE IN BOCA.

>> YOU WATERBOARDED MY AUNT!

>> Trent: I DID THAT?

I'VE CHANGED.

LOOK...

DO YOU GUYS SACK?

>> NO!

BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY.

>> Trent: YEAH, HERE.

>> YOU STILL SEEM LIKE A

TERRIBLE PERSON.

BUT I LOVE THE CONFIDENCE.

>> Trent: AAH!

OHH!

>> IS YOUR FACE OKAY?

>> Trent: UM...

NOTHING THAT SOME BARBECUE

COULDN'T FIX.

[ CHEERS, LAUGHTER ]

>> Sam: SO, THIS IS IT.

THIS IS WHERE SAM'S ARTIST LOFT

IS.

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

HAND OVER THE WALLET, DANZIG JR.

>> Sam: I DON'T THINK YOU GUYS

WANT TO DO THIS.

JUST WALK AWAY.

>> HOW ABOUT INSTEAD, WE JUST

TAKE WHAT WE WANT?

>> Sam: YOU'RE GONNA REGRET

THIS.

>> [ COUGHS ]

DIDN'T KNOW THEY TAUGHT YOU

SARAH LAWRENCE GIRLS TO FIGHT.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> I HOPE BREAKING MY ARM DIDN'T

MAKE YOU LATE FOR YOUR

MAGIC: THE GATHERING CONVENTION.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> Sam: I'M REALLY STARTING TO

FEEL BAD FOR SAM.

>> Piper: [ As Kove ] DAISY,

DON'T BE ALARMED.

>> OH. HI, PIPER!

>> Piper: NO, IT'S KOVE.

PIPER AND I SWITCHED FACES

WHILE YOU WERE ON YOUR LUNCH

BREAK.

ANYWAY, NORMALLY, I KNOW PIPER'S

GAME NIGHTS ARE SUCH A DRAG, BUT

I JUST OVERHEARD HER SAYING THAT

THIS GAME NIGHT, SHE'S GONNA DO

SOMETHING SUPER-EASY AND FUN,

LIKE APPLES TO APPLES.

SO I'M DEFINITELY GOING.

YOU'RE GOING TOO, RIGHT?

>> NO, IT WILL BE LAME.

>> Piper: WHY WON'T YOU COME TO

MY GAME NIGHT?

>> OH, I'D COME TO ANY GAME

NIGHT YOU HAVE, KOVE, BUT NOT

PIPER'S -- NOT WITH ALL THE CAT

HAIR ON HER FURNITURE AND THAT

HUMMUS THAT'S WAY TOO LEMONY.

>> Piper: PIPER WORKS VERY HARD

ON THAT HUMMUS.

>> WHICH MAKES IT EVEN SADDER.

>> SO THEN I WAS LIKE, "OH,

WELL, YOU'RE TOO COOL FOR

SCHOOL."

>> YEAH, THE A.C. WAS ON TOO

HIGH IN SCHOOL, HAD TO LEAVE AND

GET A SWEATER.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> HEY, WEIRDO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Sam: WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE,

NEIGHBOR LADY WHO GETS LAME

MAIL?

GETTING MY HIDDEN GO-BAG.

TRENT HAUSER IS BACK.

>> TRENT HAUSER?

YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE

TRENT HAUSER.

HE IS A GREAT MAN WHO WE DIDN'T

UNDERSTAND UNTIL TODAY WHEN HE

TAUGHT US HOW TO HACKY SACK.

>> RIGHT.

>> Sam: UGH, SAM WAS HERE

MISREPRESENTING ME AS A LOSER.

>> I'M GONNA CALL THE COPS.

>> Sam: NO, YOU'RE NOT.

LET ME GIVE YOU A HAND WITH

THOSE BURGERS.

>> AAH!

>> AAH!

>> Sam: GET THE MESSAGE?

>> YES!

>> Sam: YOU SURE?

>> [ Whimpering ] YES.

>> Sam: GOOD.

WHAT'S THIS?

I'D RECOGNIZE THIS BEAUTIFUL

SKIN ANYWHERE.

STILL FRESH...

>> Piper: [ IMITATING A ROBOT ]

[ As S.A.M. ] I AM NOT PIPER.

I AM S.A.M.

PIPER AND I EXCHANGED FACES THIS

MORNING BECAUSE OF -- OH, WELL

LET'S SAY AFFIRMATIVE ACTION.

I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU GUYS.

WHAT IF PIPER WERE TO NOT GET SO

WORKED UP ABOUT FOLLOWING ALL

THE RULES OF THE GAMES?

ALTHOUGH, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU

WOULD WANT TO PLAY THOSE GAMES

IF YOU DIDN'T FOLLOW THE RULES.

[ Voice breaking ] THEN WOULD

YOU COME TO PIPER'S GAME NIGHT?

>> Trent: OHH! OW!

UGH.

>> Sam: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I'D

FIND YOU HERE -- THE OLD PIGEON

WAREHOUSE WHERE WE FIRST SWAPPED

FACES.

>> Trent: IF YOU WANT THIS FACE,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PRY IT OFF

MY COLD, DEAD HEAD.

YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, SAM.

>> Sam: CAN'T GET A CLEAR SHOT.

>> Trent: CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!

DAMN BIRDS.

>> Sam: SO MANY PIGEONS.

>> Trent: [ COUGHING ]

>> Sam: YOU OKAY?

>> Trent: I'VE GOT A FEATHER IN

MY MOUTH.

GROSS.

>> Sam: DON'T RUN, SAM.

IT'S OVER. FACE IT.

>> Trent: GOOD THING I GOT A

FACE UP MY SLEEVE.

>> Sam: HEY, THAT WAS A GOOD

ONE.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

>> Trent: THANKS.

>> Sam: NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

>> Trent: HOW ABOUT NOW?

>> Sam: NOPE.

>> Trent: NOW?

>> Sam: STILL, NO.

>> Trent: NOW?

>> Sam: NOT EVEN.

>> SAM IS HEALING NICELY FROM

THE FACE TRANSPLANT.

>> Trent: IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU

BACK, OLD FRIEND.

>> Piper: HEY, TRENT.

NOW THAT YOU HAVE YOUR FACE

BACK, MAYBE TONIGHT YOU'LL COME

OVER FOR A GAME NIGHT?

>> Trent: HEH. "GAME NIGHT."

MORE LIKE "LAME NIGHT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Piper: YOU'RE ALL JERKS!

[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]

>> HA HA, TRENT'S BACK.

>> Alphonse: MAN, I'M GLAD ALL

THAT WORKED OUT, TRENT.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOBODY WITHOUT MY

FACE.

>> Trent: ME, TOO, ALPHONSE.

ME, TOO.

YOU KNOW, THIS ONE'S GETTING A

LITTLE TOO HOT.

>> Alphonse: IT'S GETTING TOO

HOT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOUR FACE?

HOW COULD YOUR FACE GET TOO

HOT?

I MEAN, IT'S YOUR FACE.

>> Trent: YOU SEE, EVERYONE'S

LOOKING AT TRENT'S FACE, BUT NO

ONE IS LOOKING AT YOURS.

>> Alphonse: NO, SAM!

IT'S STILL SAM!

MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!

[ MUFFLED SCREAMS ]

>> Trent: GOOD NIGHT.

>> WHO WAS THAT?

>> [ Crying ] OUR ANNIVERSARY!

>> [ Crying ] WHY DIDN'T YOU DO

SOMETHING?!

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE A MAN.

>> I AM A MAN!

>> I'M NOT SURE!

>> I AM A MAN!

I WANT A DIVORCE!

GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF HERE!