Original subtitles

>> Together: SURPRISE!

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

COME ON, OPEN YOUR PRESENT!

>> OH, ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT.

HEY!

YOU GOT THE ONE I WANTED!

>> COME ON, TRY IT OUT.

>> YEAH, YEAH, WATCH OUT.

[ ENERGY HUMMING ]

[ MOTOR WHIRRING ]

>> WORKS!

HA HA!

>> IT DOESN'T END THERE.

WE GOT ICE-CREAM CAKE, AND IT'S

SITTING IN THE BREAK ROOM.

>> ICE-CREAM CAKE?

>> RUM RAISIN -- YOUR FAVORITE.

>> I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, AS SOON

AS I SET THE AUTOGUARD ON THE

SYSTEM HERE, GUYS.

>> * FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD

FELLOW *

* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW

* FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW

>> I LOVE YOU GUYS!

OH, 41's GONNA BE MY BEST YEAR

YET.

>> TUNE IN, TURN ON...

KNOCKED OUT.

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Kove: GABBY HOFFSTEIN -- THE

MOST EXTREME LEFTIST MILITANT OF

THE HIPPIE GENERATION.

HE WAS CAPTURED BY NTSF IN 1969

AND SENTENCED TO 37 CONSECUTIVE

LIFE TERMS.

AND NOW HE IS LOOSE IN OUR TIME.

>> Trent: THE '60s -- THE WORST

PERIOD IN AMERICA'S HISTORY.

>> Kove: A MAD MAN LIKE

HOFFSTEIN ON THE LOOSE THREATENS

TO UNDO ALL THE GOOD WORK NIXON

DID.

>> Trent: WE'LL GET THIS COMMIE

AND SEND HIM BACK TO RUSSIA.

>> Kove: NOT SO FAST.

FOR A CASE WITH THIS HISTORICAL

MAGNITUDE, WE NEED SOMEONE WHO

KNOWS HOFFSTEIN INSIDE AND OUT.

SO I PUT IN A PHONE CALL TO

BOOTH WHITMAN.

>> Trent: LEGENDARY NTSF AGENT.

>> Piper: MORE LIKE LEGENDARY

MISOGYNIST.

HE FOUGHT FOR YEARS AGAINST

WOMEN BEING IN NTSF.

>> Kove: SADLY, HE LOST THAT

FIGHT.

WHITMAN PUT HOFFSTEIN AWAY, AND

WE'LL NEED HIS INVALUABLE

EXPERIENCE TO BRING THIS NO-GOOD

DO-GOODER TO JUSTICE.

>> I WAS SITTING IN MY

RETIREMENT HOME, PLAYING

CRIBBAGE AND PINCHING NURSES'

BOTTOMS WHEN I HEAR THAT

HOFFSTEIN IS ON THE LAM.

I SHOULD HAVE CURB-STOPPED THAT

GRANOLA FREAK WHEN I HAD THE

CHANCE.

>> Trent: BOOTH WHITMAN --

TRENT HAUSER.

PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

>> WHEN DID THEY START LETTING

NTSF AGENTS GROW OUT HIPPIE

MANES LIKE COUNTRY JOE?

HAVE YOUR SECRETARY HERE FIX ME

A WHISKEY SOUR.

>> Piper: I'M NOT HIS SECRETARY.

I'M AN NTSF AGENT.

>> WELL, WELL, WHO'S THIS HOT

DRINK OF SASS?

>> Piper: MY NAME IS

PIPER FERGUSON

>> Kove: ENOUGH!

TRENT, PIPER, ACCOMMODATE

WHITMAN AND HIS NEEDS.

[ FINGERS CLICKING ]

>> HEY, HEY!

WHAT IT IS, SOUL BROTHER!

>> AAH!

WHAT THE HELL, DUDE?

DID YOU JUST PUT YOUR HAND IN MY

FACE?

>> LISTEN, I NEED YOUR HELP.

WHERE DO THE HIPPIES HANG OUT?

>> HIPPIES?

YOU MEAN LIKE SHAGGY FROM

"SCOOBY DOO" OR...?

>> NO, I KNOW.

HEY, WHY SHOULD YOU TRUST ME,

RIGHT?

I WANT TO WORK WITH YOU TO MAKE

SURE THAT YOU CAN DRINK FROM

THAT FOUNTAIN RIGHT THERE.

YOU DIG?

>> WHY WOULD I WANT TO DRINK

FROM THAT WATER FOUNTAIN?

THAT'S WHERE HOMELESS PEOPLE GO

TO URINATE.

I REALLY GOT TO GET BACK TO

WORKING ON THIS BLOG ABOUT MY

ARTISANAL WALLPAPER AND STUDYING

MUSIC LYRICS.

>> ARTISANAL?

I FEEL LIKE I ATE THE BROWN

ACID, MAN.

>> Trent: WELCOME TO THE

BOHEMIAN DISTRICT, WHERE SKINNY

JEANS, IRONIC T-SHIRTS, AND

CHUNKY FRAMES REIGN SUPREME.

>> Piper: COMPUTER TRACKS HIS

HEAT SIGNATURE TO THIS AREA.

>> WE'LL TAKE IT ON THE ARCHES.

>> Trent: HATE WALKING.

NO GPS.

>> YOU, PIPER -- TAKE THE LEAD.

I WANT TO GET A GOOD LOOK AT

THIS CABOOSE.

>> Piper: [ SCOFFS ]

WHAT A PIG.

>> EXCELLENT.

SUBVERSIVES.

TIME TO CRACK SOME SKULLS.

>> Piper: OKAY, BUDDY BOY, NTSF

MAY HAVE BEEN THE WILD WEST BACK

IN YOUR DAY, BUT IT'S 2013, AND

AROUND HERE, WE FOLLOW PROTOCOL

WHEN IT COMES TO QUESTIONING

CIVILIANS.

[ GUITAR STRUMMING ]

>> Trent: TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO

KNOW!

>> WHY ARE YOU POINTING

SOMETHING IN MY FACE?!

>> ANGEL, LET THE MEN DO THE

DIRTY WORK.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE THOSE

BEAUTIFUL ICE-BLUE EYES AND FIND

ME THE NEAREST CRAPPER.

I GOT A LOAD ON BOARD THAT WOULD

CHOKE A GORILLA.

>> Piper: [ SCOFFS ]

"BEAUTIFUL EYES."

>> AAH!

>> NOW, DOES THAT JOG YOUR

REEFER-ADDLED MEMORY,

WAVY GRAVY?!

>> THERE WAS A GUY WHO WAS HERE

A FEW MINUTES EARLIER!

>> YES! HE'S HOFFSTEIN.

I KNOW IT. I CAN FEEL IT.

LET'S HIT THE BRICKS.

>> OH-HO-HO!

AH, "REVOLUTION IN THE STREETS."

YEAH.

"SAN DIEGO TIMES #1 eBOOK."

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT AN

eBOOK IS.

[ DOOR OPENS, BELL JINGLES ]

OH!

OH-HO-HO! MY MAN!

THE GREEN REVOLUTION IS HERE,

BABY!

HEY, I GOT TO GET OFF THESE

CONCRETE STREETS.

CAN I HIDE IN YOUR STORE FOR A

SPELL?

>> UH, WELL, I SHOULD PROBABLY

CHECK WITH MY MANAGER.

>> YEAH, COOL, MAN, COOL!

WHERE IS HE?

WHERE'S HE AT?

>> I THINK HE'S AT THE CORPORATE

OFFICES IN LA JOLLA.

>> NO!

CAPITALISM'S INVISIBLE HANDS HAS

ALREADY GOT TO THE CO-OPS?!

YOU DON'T DESERVE THOSE ORANGES,

MAN.

OH!

KRISHNA.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> HELLO, OFFICER.

>> WEED, PLEASE.

>> OH.

LEGAL WEED.

EVEN GRASS SOLD OUT.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO

AMERICA, MAN?

>> GIVE US HOFFSTEIN OR GOOD

LUCK DODGING MY FIST.

>> YOU'RE CRAZY, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW NO HOFFSTEIN.

>> DON'T GIVE ME NO DOUBLE

NEGATIVES!

>> Piper: WHITMAN, HE DOESN'T

KNOW ANYTHING!

>> ORGANIC GROCERIES, LADIES

WEARING PANTS.

NO WONDER WE HAVEN'T WON A WAR

SINCE KOREA.

THE WORLD HAS PASSED ME BY.

>> Piper: WHITMAN, COME BACK!

>> HEY, MAN, HOW MUCH FOR A

NEWSPAPER?

>> YEAH, NO, MAN, THIS ISN'T A

REAL BOOKSTORE.

NO, THIS IS A SCULPTURE,

EXPOSING THE ARTIFICIALITY OF

THE CONCEPT OF OBJECTIVITY IN

THE PUBLIC SPHERE.

>> NO!

>> AAH!

>> OH, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY

WORLD?!

I GOT TO LEAVE, MAN.

I GOT TO GET!

OH, I GOT TO GO SOMEWHERE SAFE,

LIKE YUGOSLAVIA OR

CZECHOSLOVAKIA OR EAST GERMANY.

>> IS THAT LIKE NARNIA?

ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY NARNIA?

>> NO, NO, I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT KIND OF A WORLD IS IT WHERE

A BEAUTIFUL MARXIST UTOPIA LIKE

YUGOSLAVIA DOESN'T EXIST?!

NO WORLD I WANT TO LIVE IN.

GET OUT OF MY WAY.

GET OUT OF MY WAY!

GET OUT OF MY WAY!

>> Piper: WHITMAN, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?

GABBY'S GETTING AWAY.

>> THE ONLY THING I'M GOOD FOR

ANYMORE.

I'M A DINOSAUR.

>> Piper: YOU ARE A DINOSAUR.

BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING, WHITMAN?

THE WORLD NEEDS DINOSAURS.

WITHOUT THEM, WE WOULDN'T HAVE

FOSSIL FUELS OR HILARIOUS

EXHIBITS IN CREATIONIST MUSEUMS.

AND IN THIS DAY AND AGE OF

METROSEXUAL WIMPS...

THE TOUGH, HARD-DRINKING,

RACIST, MISOGYNISTIC,

HEAVY-SMOKING, ANGERED JUNKIE

TAKES US BACK TO A BETTER TIME.

POINT IS, WHITMAN, YOU CANNOT

GIVE UP NOW.

THE PEOPLE OF SAN DIEGO NEED

YOU.

AND I NEED YOU, TOO.

>> GOD, I WISH I KNEW YOU

50 YEARS AGO.

I'D HAVE MADE YOU MY MISTRESS.

>> Piper: THANK YOU FOR SAYING

THAT.

>> NOT EVEN ONE SHAVE AND IT'S

ALREADY BROKEN.

STUPID PIECE OF JUNK.

7600?

I WANTED THE 8600.

>> [ SIGHS ]

FOR EVERY SEASON...

TURN...TURN, TURN.

>> Piper: SO, WHAT WAS HOFFSTEIN

CHARGED WITH ANYWAY?

>> ENCOURAGING WOMEN AND

AFRICAN-AMERICANS TO VOTE.

>> Trent: PUT IT IN MY EAR.

WHAT?

HOSTAGE AT THE CRYO-JAIL.

>> Piper: LEAD THE WAY, WHITMAN.

ACTUALLY, I'LL LEAD THE WAY.

>> HOFFSTEIN.

>> WELL, WELL, WELL, WHITMAN.

LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT,

WHITE PIG -- I DON'T BELIEVE IN

VIOLENT CONFLICT!

>> WELL, TOO BAD FOR YOU.

GOOD GUY NEVER TAKES THE FIRST

SHOT. GO AHEAD.

>> I'M A CONSCIENTIOUS

OBJECTOR, MAN.

>> OH, DON'T START THIS HIPPIE

[BLEEP]

>> THAT'S WHAT I AM, MAN!

I'M A HIPPIE!

I'M A BIG STINKY HIPPIE,

ALL RIGHT?

RELAX. MELLOW.

FIND YOUR INNER MELLOW, WHITMAN!

NO, NO, NO, NO!

AAH! AAH!

>> THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT.

I'M DONE.

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

>> WE DON'T BELONG IN THIS

WORLD, WHITMAN.

YOU AND ME...

WE SHOUL BE FROZEN, MAN.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, HOFFSTEIN?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE BOTH SHOULD BE ON ICE.

>> Piper: BOOTH, NO, NO.

>> LISTEN, PIPER, YOU DON'T MEAN

A DAMN TO ME.

YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER SKIRT TO BE

USED AND TOSSED ASIDE.

>> IT'S WHAT'S RIGHT.

WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE '68, MAN.

>> WAKE ME WHEN MEN ARE BACK IN

VOGUE AND "NO SMOKING" SIGNS ARE

IRONIC JOKES THAT HANG IN

KITSCHY CHAIN RESTAURANTS.

>> I'LL SEE YOU ON THE OTHER

SIDE, BROTHER.

[ BODY THUDS, SHATTERS ]

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE YOU KNOCKED

HIM OUT...COLD.

>> AW, TRENT, YOU'RE TRYING WAY

TOO HARD.

ALL RIGHT, WE'VE GOT SOME CHEAP

LIQUOR.

LET'S GO LOOK FOR SOME CHEAP

WOMEN.

>> Trent: CHEERS TO THAT.

[ GLASSES CLINK ]

>> Piper: MRS. PIPER WHITMAN.

I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.