Original subtitles

>> THIS COUNTRY WASN'T BUILT BY

ROBOTS, PEOPLE.

IT WAS BUILT BY HUMAN BEINGS

THAT HAD HEARTS AND BRAINS AND

PENISES AND VAGINAS.

BUT NOW WE'VE GOT THESE ROBOTS

THAT ARE STEALING OUR FACTORY

JOBS, AND WE ARE NOT GONNA STAND

FOR IT.

>> SHUT THEM DOWN!

>> SHUT THEM DOWN. THAT'S RIGHT.

TOMORROW, WE'RE GONNA GO PROTEST

AT THE FUNERAL OF ONE OF THESE

ROBOT SYMPATHIZERS, AND THEN, IN

THE AFTERNOON, WE'RE GONNA GO

PROTEST OUTSIDE AN APPLE STORE.

>> SHUT THEM DOWN!

>> SHUT THEM DOWN!

NOW, PEOPLE, LET'S SETTLE DOWN

JUST A MINUTE, 'CAUSE THIS IS A

VERY SPECIAL DAY.

WE HAVE A NEWCOMER TO OUR

PRO-FLESH MOVEMENT RIGHT HERE.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM, SON?

>> OH, UM...SAN DIEGO.

>> EW. SAN DIEGO.

AWFUL LOT OF BOTS THERE, RIGHT?

WERE YOU BORN AND RAISED THERE?

>> ACTUALLY, NO.

I WAS MANUFACTURED IN INDONESIA.

>> DID YOU SAY "MANUFACTURED"?

[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]

>> BORN.

LIKE THE -- LIKE THE REST OF

YOU, THROUGH A -- A HUMAN

UTERUS.

I WAS -- I WAS BORN.

>> BRETHREN, I THINK WE HAVE A

CIRCUIT-FILLED SINNER RIGHT HERE

AMONG US.

SHUT HIM DOWN.

>> KEEP ME ON.

[ PEOPLE GASP ]

[ Robot voice ] IT'S TIMES LIKE

THESE I WISH I REMAINED A TiVo.

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Kove: ROBOT S.A.M.'s COVER

WAS BLOWN, AND NOW HE'S BEEN

KIDNAPPED BY A GROUP OF TEXAN

ROBO-HATERS.

>> Alphonse: IN HINDSIGHT,

PROBABLY NOT THE BEST IDEA TO

SEND OUR LONE ROBOT IN TO

INFILTRATE AN ANTI-ROBOT HATE

GROUP.

>> Sam: WE'VE GOT TO MOVE FAST.

S.A.M.'s BATTERY ONLY LASTS

ABOUT 48 HOURS IN THE FIELD.

AFTER THAT, HE GOES INTO A

ROBO-COMA, A CONDITION ALSO

KNOWN AS "OFF."

>> Kove: WE NEED TO GET INTO

TEXAS UNDETECTED AND RESCUE

S.A.M.

>> WE COULD PRETEND TO BE A

MOVIE CREW SCOUTING LOCATIONS

ACROSS THE BORDER.

>> Trent: A FILM CREW?

[ SCOFFS ] NO.

FILM'S A DEAD MEDIUM.

I SAW A MOVIE ABOUT IT.

>> Kove: TRENT'S RIGHT.

NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE MOVIES.

NO.

WE ARE GOING TO POSE AS A

VIRAL-VIDEO CREW.

>> Alphonse: KOVE, WE'RE GONNA

NEED AN EXPERT.

>> Kove: NONSENSE.

I HAVE MY OWN YouTube CHANNEL,

AND I'VE RECEIVED A NUMBER OF

HITS, AND THIS IS HOW WE'RE

GOING TO RESCUE S.A.M.

>> LOOKS LIKE NTSF IS ABOUT TO

GO...VIRAL.

>> Trent: WAIT A SECOND.

DID YOU STEAL MY GLASSES?

I'D LEAVE THEM OUT IN GOOD FAITH

THAT NO ONE WILL TAKE THEM,

'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE AN INSIDE

POCKET.

DAMN.

>> Sam: SHE STOLE YOUR THING.

>> Alphonse: LET'S CHECK OUT

KOVE'S YouTube PAGE.

>> Kove: HEY, THIS IS KOVE,

UNBOXING THE NEW KAMCHUNG

GRAVITY 5C SMARTPHONE.

[ SIGHS ]

UH...JUST A MINUTE.

>> Alphonse: KOVE HAS NO IDEA

HOW TO MAKE A VIDEO.

YeahImCaleb95 -- THE #1 VIDEO

CHANNEL ON THE INTERNET.

>> [ High-pitched voice ] HI,

EVERYONE!

IT'S ME -- YeahImCaleb95!

MY MOM'S TAKING ME TO THE ZOO

TODAY!

AAAAH!

I LOVE ELEPHANTS!

[ SCREECHING ]

OH, MY GOD! MONKEYS! TIGERS!

>> Alphonse: HE'S GOOD.

HE'S REAL GOOD.

AND HE'S JUST THE MAN WE NEED

FOR THE JOB.

IT'S QUITE THE SETUP YOU HAVE

HERE.

I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT

MOST PEOPLE MADE VIRAL VIDEOS IN

THEIR HOMES.

>> [ Normal voice ] COMMON

MISCONCEPTION.

IT ALL TAKES PLACE HERE IN

SAN DIEGO, VIRAL CAPITAL OF THE

WORLD, AND I'M ITS SPIRITUAL

LEADER.

I TRY TO MAKE SURE EVERY VIDEO

WE PRODUCE IS SMART, CHALLENGING

AND ARTFUL.

THE LAST THING WE WANT TO DO IS

TALK DOWN TO OUR VIEWERS.

>> AND ACTION.

>> [ GRUNTS ]

OW! I BROKE MY HAND!

[ FARTS ]

AND I FARTED.

>> PERFECT. CUT.

[ BELL RINGS ]

>> Alphonse: BEAUTIFUL.

>> NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT JUST

HERE TO GIVE ME IN-PERSON LIKES.

WHAT ARE YOU REALLY AFTER?

>> Alphonse: I NEED YOUR HELP

MAKING A VIRAL VIDEO, AND IF I

DON'T GET IT, A GOOD FRIEND OF

SAN DIEGO IS GONNA DIE.

>> I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR

SAN DIEGO.

THE QUESTION IS, WILL YOU?

>> [ FARTS ]

OH! AND I FARTED AGAIN.

>> PROSUMER GRADE SHOTGUN MIC --

CHECK.

HD-CAPABLE OFF-BRAND WEB

CAMERA -- CHECK.

GENTLEMEN, LET'S LOCK AND LOAD.

>> Kove: ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE.

I RAN THE NUMBERS, AND WE CANNOT

AFFORD TO SHOOT IN TEXAS.

PER DIEM ALONE WOULD KILL US.

SO WE'RE KEEPING THE PRODUCTION

RIGHT HERE IN SAN DIEGO.

>> Sam: WAIT.

THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THIS ENTIRE

MISSION WAS TO GO INTO TEXAS AND

RESCUE S.A.M., AND WE'RE RUNNING

OUT OF TIME.

HIS BATTERY LEVEL'S AT EXACTLY

50%.

>> Kove: SAM, LET'S NOT GET

CAUGHT UP IN SPECIFICS.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING RIGHT

NOW IS TO CREATE A TIMELESS,

LASTING, UNIQUE VIRAL VIDEO, AND

DRIVE WHOLE NEW AUDIENCE TO MY

YouTube CHANNEL.

>> SO, UH, WHERE DO YOU PUT THE

BULLETS IN THIS THING?

>> Alphonse: 400,000 HITS

EASILY.

I'M READY. UPLOAD ME.

>> READY?

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOUNG ALPHONSE HERE THINKS THAT

HE'S READY TO UPLOAD A VIRAL

VIDEO.

COME. I HAVE MUCH TO TEACH YOU.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

FEEL THE INTERNET COURSE THROUGH

YOUR BODY.

BROADEN YOUR BAND.

>> Alphonse: [ GRUNTS ]

>> NOW...ANSWER THIS.

WHAT ARE THE FIVE ELEMENTS ALL

VIRAL VIDEOS MUST TAP INTO?

>> Alphonse: UH, CUTE ANIMALS,

UH, UH, PARODY, UM -- OH, COME

ON.

I KNOW THIS.

DAMN IT! I CAN'T DO IT!

>> HOT GIRLS AND/OR CELEBRITIES

WITHOUT MAKEUP.

YOU HAVE TO FOCUS, ALPHONSE.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

THAT IS WHY YOU #FAIL.

NOW, GET BACK ON THAT TINY,

LITTLE BLOCK.

>> STOP.

>> HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

>> [ GROANS ]

>> YOU DISGUST ME.

>> WHY DO YOU HATE ROBOTS?

WE PROVIDE SO MUCH TO THE

WORLD -- STRONG ASSEMBLY-LINE

LABOR, DUBSTEP, THE ACTING OF

TOBEY MAGUIRE.

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

ONE OF YOU iBASTARDS KILLED THE

LOVE OF MY LIFE.

SHE WAS OUT SHOPPING FOR MY

BIRTHDAY PRESENT, AND THEN IT

APPEARED --

SUNLIGHT GLISTENING OFF ITS

METAL SKIN, BLOODLUST COURSING

THROUGH ITS MECHANICAL BRAIN.

THAT BREAK-DANCING ROBOT BASTARD

MURDERED MY WIFE.

>> BREAK DANCER?

>> RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A

SHOPPING CENTER.

>> GARY, THAT WAS NO ROBOT.

WAS HE WEARING A SILVER BOWLER

HAT?

DID HE WHISTLE WHEN HE MOVED?

>> YES.

>> ROBOTS DON'T HAVE LIPS, GARY.

ONLY HUMANS CAN WHISTLE.

WHAT YOU DESCRIBED IS A HUMAN

DRESSED IN ROBOTFACE.

>> NO!

>> [ GROANS ]

>> LIES!

LIES AND ROBOT PROPAGANDA.

MY WIFE WAS SLAIN BY ROBOT

HANDS!

SHUT HIM DOWN!

>> Kove: SOMEBODY GET ME A BABY

ON A TRAMPOLINE, AND IF THAT KID

ISN'T CUTE AS HELL, THEN WE CAN

KISS S.A.M. GOODBYE.

>> Sam: WE LOST ALL THE FOOTAGE

OF THE DANCING PRISONERS.

AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL

CONFISCATED IT BECAUSE OF THE

WHOLE TORTURE THING.

AND S.A.M.'s BATTERY'S DOWN TO

16%.

>> Trent: THESE KITTENS ARE

DEAD.

>> Kove: DID YOU POKE HOLES IN

THE BOX?

>> Trent: YEAH, I THINK THAT'S

WHAT DID IT.

>> Kove: [ GASPS ]

PULL IT TOGETHER, PEOPLE!

OR S.A.M.'s DEATH WILL BE ON

EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR

HANDS!

>> YOU'RE NOT READY TO UPLOAD A

VIRAL UNTIL YOU GO THROUGH THE

TUNNEL OF HATERS.

>> Alphonse: HATERS GONNA HATE.

I CAN HANDLE IT.

>> MM-HMM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> EPIC FAIL.

>> LAME.

>> LAMEZORS.

[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]

>> EPIC FAIL.

[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]

>> LAME.

>> LAME.

>> I WANT TWO MINUTES AND

10 SECONDS OF MY LIFE BACK.

>> DIE.

>> STUPID.

>> Alphonse: YOU DON'T KNOW ME!

>> YOU SHOULD DIE.

[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> CLICK ON MY LINK IF YOU WANT

TO SEE SOMETHING REALLY FUNNY.

[ GASPS ]

>> FAKE.

>> Alphonse: AAH!

[ GASPS ]

SO MEAN.

>> DRINK THIS.

>> Alphonse: WOW.

>> THAT'S THE LONGEST ANYONE'S

EVER LASTED.

YOUNG ALPHONSE, YOU ARE FINALLY

READY TO UPLOAD A VIRAL VIDEO.

>> Trent: [ Gruff voice ] I'M

NOT A CROOK.

I'M RICHARD NIXON.

>> Kove: [ GROANS ]

DAMN IT, TRENT.

THOSE WERE SURFACE-LEVEL

IMPRESSIONS AT BEST.

>> Trent: IT'S NOT REALLY IN MY

WHEELHOUSE.

I ONLY KNOW THREE CELEBRITIES --

RICHARD NIXON, BILL O'REILLY,

AND LOU DIAMOND PHILLIPS, SO --

>> Sam: GUYS, WE'RE RUNNING OUT

OF TIME.

S.A.M.'s BATTERY IS DOWN TO WHAT

WE CALL "MILK PERCENTAGES."

>> Kove: [ SCOFFS ]

AM I THE ONLY PERSON HERE WHO

KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A VIRAL

VIDEO?!

>> Alphonse: YOU DO NOT BELIEVE

IN YOURSELF.

THAT'S WHY YOU #FAIL.

LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS COULD USE A

LITTLE VIRAL MAGIC.

SAY HELLO TO JASMINE,

SAN DIEGO'S CUTEST DOG.

>> Kove: LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE.

LET'S MAKE A VIRAL VIDEO.

OKAY, MY CHILD.

OPEN YOUR WINGS AND SOAR.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> YOU'VE OPENED MY EYES, ROBOT.

I KNOW NOW THAT YOUR KIND DIDN'T

KILL MY WIFE.

BUT YOU KILLED THE LIE THAT I

WAS LIVING.

>> WE ARE NOT SO DIFFERENT.

YES, BLOOD RUNS THROUGH YOUR

VEINS, AND DATA THROUGH MY

WIRES, BUT WE BOTH --

[ POWERS DOWN ]

>> S.A.M. NO!

>> Kove: THE VIDEO HAD

500 MILLION VIEWS IN THE PAST

TWO HOURS AND FEATURED ON THE

FRONT PAGE OF REDDIT.

I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE.

>> Trent: WE DID IT.

WE SAVED DAISY.

>> I'M RIGHT HERE.

>> Trent: WE DIDN'T SAVE YOU?

WHAT THE HELL DID WE DO THIS

STUPID THING FOR?

>> Sam: TO SAVE S.A.M.

>> Trent: AH, YEAH. WHATEVER.

LET'S GET LUNCH.

>> Kove: THANKS, ALPHONSE.

YOU SAVED THE DAY.

>> Alphonse: ALL I DID WAS BRING

OUT WHAT WAS ALREADY INSIDE OF

YOU.

WE ALL HAVE GREAT VIRAL VIDEOS

IN US JUST WAITING TO COME OUT.

A GOOD FRIEND TAUGHT ME THAT.

>> YOU'VE DONE WELL, YOUNG

ALPHONSE.

>> Alphonse: HEY, CALEB, YOU

HUNGRY?

>> YEAH, I'M STARVING.

>> IT WAS A TUMULTUOUS TIME,

AND ROBOT-HUMAN RELATIONS WERE

AT AN ALL-TIME LOW.

AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THE

MEN AND WOMEN OF NTSF ARE HEROES

FOR WHAT THEY DID.

OH, AND I'M AN HISTORIAN.