Original subtitles

>> Trent: [ LAUGHS ]

THAT IS A GREAT STORY.

YOU'RE VERY FUNNY.

>> Sam: I WAS JUST TELLING YOU

ABOUT MY STRUGGLE TO FIND MY

BIRTH PARENTS, AND YOU JUST --

>> Trent: YEAH, I KNOW.

I HEARD THAT STORY.

IT WAS REALLY BORING.

LOOK, I GOT A GREAT STORY ABOUT

A TRIO OF SEXY TIME TRAVELERS

CALLED THE TIME ANGELS.

FOR CENTURIES, AN ELITE AND SEXY

GROUP OF AGENTS FROM THE FUTURE

HAS WORKED TO PROTECT OUR PAST.

THEY ARE...THE TIME ANGELS.

>> I'M DASH.

I'LL KICK YOUR ASS.

>> TICKTOCK. I'M CLOCK.

[ DING! ]

>> MY NAME IS MILLIE.

IT'S KIND OF A REGULAR NAME.

>> Trent: THEY REPAIR TEARS IN

THE FABRIC OF TIME SO THE WORLD

CAN FUNCTION PROPERLY.

>> TIME SLIDE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

>> IF YOU DON'T BANG THE [BLEEP]

OUT OF YOUR BOYFRIEND TONIGHT,

THE UNIVERSE AS WE KNOW IT WILL

CEASE TO EXIST.

>> OKAY. LET'S DO IT!

>> Trent: THEY NEVER KNOW WHERE

THEY'RE GOING OR WHAT THEIR

MISSION WILL BE.

>> [ GRUNTING ]

>> All: TIME ANGELS!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]

>> WHEN THE HELL ARE WE?

>> TIME ANGELS, WELCOME TO 1869.

>> Trent: THE TIME ANGELS WERE

SENT TO THE OLD WEST.

THEIR MISSION -- TO SAVE THE

TRANSCONTINENTAL RAILROAD.

>> HERE WE ARE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL

DAY TO COMMEMORATE THE

COMPLETION OF THE

TRANSCONTINENTAL RAILROAD.

IF YOU ASK ME, TRAINS IS JUST A

FAD, LIKE HOOP SKIRTS AND

TOILETS.

SO I MIGHT AS WELL INTRODUCE YOU

TO A MAN WHO THINKS HE KNOWS

BETTER.

AND I GUESS HE'S GOT THE RIGHT,

SINCE HE IS THE PRESIDENT OF

THESE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

GENERAL ULYSSES S. GRANT.

LET'S GIVE HIM A HAND.

>> THANK YOU, MR. DENT.

YESTERDAY, WE JOINED THE NORTH

AND THE SOUTH.

TODAY, WE JOIN THE EAST AND

THE WEST.

ON THIS AUSPICIOUS OCCASION, I

WILL HAMMER THE GOLDEN SP--

Where is it?

The golden spike?

Listen to me -- there is a train

coming in three hours.

If that spike is not in place,

that train will derail.

Find it, Simmons!

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

BEFORE WE GET TO HAMMERING THAT

GOLDEN SPIKE, I'D LIKE TO REGALE

YOU WITH A TALE OF MY CAT,

LADY GIGGLES.

>> HMM.

>> SHE WENT MISSING THE OTHER

DAY.

>> MAYBE THE RAILROAD CAN'T RUN

UNTIL WE FIND THE PRESIDENT'S

CAT.

THIS IS GONNA BE THE CUTEST

MISSION EVER.

>> SOMEONE STOLE THE SPIKE,

YOU DUMBASS.

WE'VE GOT TO FIND IT.

>> I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT HAPPENED

TO THAT GOLDEN SPIKE.

IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYTHING HINGES

ON IT.

>> YEAH, BE A REAL TRAGEDY.

WITHOUT THAT SPIKE, TRAIN MIGHT

DERAIL, AND EVERY MAN, WOMAN,

AND CHILD AND ORPHAN ON BOARD

WILL DIE.

AND THEN NO ONE WILL EVER WANT

TO RIDE THE TRAIN AGAIN.

AND MY COVERED-WAGON BUSINESS

WILL REIGN SUPREME.

[ CHUCKLES EVILLY ]

BUT I WAS JUST...LAUGHING 'CAUSE

IT'D -- IT'D BE SO TERRIBLE.

[ CHUCKLES EVILLY ]

>> IF MEMORY SERVES, THAT'S

STAGECOACH MAGNATE

THEODORE DENT.

IF ANYONE HAS ANYTHING TO GAIN

FROM THE SPIKE GOING MISSING,

IT'S HIM.

>> SUCH GOOD LUCK HE WALKED BY

AS HE WAS SAYING JUST EXACTLY

THAT.

>> MORE LIKE GOOD TIMING.

>> WE GET IT.

I'LL GO INTO THE SALOON AND KEEP

AN EYE ON DENT.

>> I'LL SHAKE DOWN THE MINERS,

SEE IF THEY KNOW ANYTHING.

>> I'LL SURVEY THE TOWN, SEE IF

THERE'S ANY SIGN OF

LADY GIGGLES.

>> WE'RE NOT LOOKING FOR THE

PRESIDENT'S CAT!

>> GOOD.

>> GO FIND THAT GUY DENT WAS

WITH.

SEE IF YOU CAN FIND OUT ANYTHING

FROM HIM.

>> TIME ANGELS...

>> All: INVESTIGATE!

>> GO.

[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS ]

>> [ CRYING ]

OH, HELP! HELP!

ARE YOU A GOLD MINER?

>> I AM.

>> MY GOLD'S BEEN STOLEN!

>> THIS IS KIND OF A BAD PART OF

TOWN.

>> I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TRUSTED

THAT EVIL PERSON.

>> WHAT EVIL PERSON?

>> ME.

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

>> UGH!

>> JUST A "MINER" SETBACK...

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A GOLD

MINER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ SIGHS ]

NO SPIKE IN HERE -- ONLY GOLD.

HMM. OH, LOOK.

[ GRUNTING ]

>> HI THERE.

I'M NEW IN TIME -- I MEAN,

IN TOWN.

AND I'M A, UH, I'M A NEWSPAPER

REPORTER.

>> A CHINAMAN AND A NEWSPAPER

REPORTER?

[ SCOFFS ]

WELL, NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING.

>> I WRITE FOR THE, UH,

THE PEKING DAILY.

>> THE PEKING DAILY?

WELL, YEAH, I HEARD OF THAT.

>> I'LL START WITH A QUESTION

THAT I ASK EVERYBODY -- DID YOU

HAPPEN TO STEAL A GOLDEN

RAILROAD SPIKE?

>> NO, UH, I WOULDN'T STEAL

ANYTHING.

THE NAME'S JAMES.

>> WELL, YOU MUST KNOW MORE THAN

THAT, JAMES.

I MEAN, FOR INSTANCE, I SAW YOU

TALKING TO THEODORE DENT

EARLIER, THE COVERED-WAGON

MAGNATE.

>> WELL, YEAH.

I TAKE CARE OF HIS HORSE JOJO.

>> DO YOU THINK HE'D STEAL A

SPIKE?

AND IF HE DID, WHERE WOULD HE

KEEP IT?

>> WELL, I SUPPOSE HE'D KEEP IT

IN HIS JACKET POCKET, BUT HE

WOULDN'T WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH

IT.

HE HATES THE RAILROAD.

>> I'LL ASK YOU ONE LAST

QUESTION -- WHERE DID YOU GET

THOSE PRETTY BLUE EYES?

>> WELL, MY MOTHER HAD BLUE

EYES, MY FATHER HAD BLUE EYES,

AND...

HEY, WHERE'S YOUR NOTEBOOK?

>> WHERE'S YOUR NOTEBOOK?

>> WHAT?

>> MM-HMM. KIDDER.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, MILLIE, HOW'S IT GOING?

>> I'VE BEEN KEEPING AN EYE ON

DENT -- NO SIGN OF THE SPIKE,

THOUGH.

I'M GONNA GET CLOSE AND SEE WHAT

I CAN FIND OUT.

>> OKAY, I'LL FIND DASH.

[ MID-TEMPO PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> OH, YOU MUST BE THE NEW

PROSTITUTE.

>> WHAT?

>> YOU'RE LATE.

>> WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> NOW, GET UPSTAIRS AND GET TO

WORK.

WE CAN FIGURE OUT YOUR START

PAPERWORK LATER.

YOU'LL GET YOUR WELCOME BASKET

WITH YOUR TIGER BALM AND YOUR

SHAME TOWEL.

>> I DON'T THINK I CAN HAVE SEX

WITH THOSE MEN.

>> OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,

HONEY.

MOST OF 'EM JUST WANT TO HAVE

SOMEONE TO SIT THERE AND WATCH

THEM CRY.

I MEAN, YOU MIGHT HAVE TO HAVE

SEX WITH ONE OF 'EM, BUT LOOK AT

THE BRIGHT SIDE.

OKAY.

>> BUT I'M THE SMART ONE.

>> "FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN BEERS

AGO..."

COME ON.

DRUNK ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANK YOU, MA'AM.

What are you still doing here?

Get the spike!

But that's a pillow!

[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS ]

>> WELL, YOU HAVE CERTAINLY

EARNED YOUR FIVE-MINUTE BREAK,

BUT KEEP IT LOOSE AND LIMBER.

DON'T TIGHTEN UP, OKAY?

>> OKAY.

>> MAYBE PUT ON A LITTLE LOTION.

RUSTY, WHY DON'T YOU GET HER A

DRINK?

DRINK UP, BABY.

>> CAN YOU MAKE A WHISKEY SOUR?

>> WHISKEY SOUR?

WELL, LOOK AT THE NEW GIRL IN

TOWN -- EVERY BIT AS EXOTIC AS

HER COCKTAIL.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

YOU FLATTER, MR...

>> DENT -- THEODORE DENT,

BECAUSE I DO "THEE-ADORE" THEE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

BUT I'M THE SMART ONE.

>> NO TO YOU.

>> NO TO YOU.

>> NO TO YOU.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

WHY WOULD ANYBODY WANT TO GET ON

A TRAIN AND GO SOMEPLACE ELSE

WHEN EVERYTHING THEY NEED IS

SITTING RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF

THEM?

>> NOTHING WOULD GET ME MORE

AROUSED THAN SEEING PROOF THAT

THE RAILROAD WILL BE STOPPED.

>> WELL, LITTLE LADY, THIS

HERE'S YOUR LUCKY DAY.

>> YOU STOLE THE SPIKE?

>> I DID, INDEED.

INDEED, I DID.

>> WELL, I'M STEALING IT BACK.

[ CLANG! ]

[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS ]

>> SO THE OTHER DAY, I'M IN THE

WATER CLOSET, AND MY WIFE

SHOUTS, "PRESIDENT LINCOLN HAS

BEEN SHOT!"

AND I'M LIKE, "UH, OKAY.

KIND OF BUSY IN HERE WITH THE

DIARRHEA."

>> DASH!

>> YO, GRANT! CHECK IT!

>> THANK YOU.

>> NAIL THAT SUCKER IN.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --

UGH!

>> YOU SQUIRRELLY LITTLE MINX.

LISTEN UP!

I AIN'T GONNA LET THAT TRAIN

THROUGH!

THIS HERE'S A ONE-HORSE TOWN,

AND I OWN THAT HORSE, AND HER

NAME IS JOJO.

>> BUT THAT TRAIN IS FULL OF

ORPHANS AND STUFF.

YOU CAN'T LET IT CRASH.

>> JOJO IS WORTH 10 TRAINLOADS

OF ORPHANS...AND ONE DEAD

PRESIDENT.

>> TOO SOON! TOO SOON!

>> I'M GONNA TEACH YOU LITTLE

LADIES A LESSON.

>> SORRY, DENT.

WE JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME.

[ GRUNTING ]

[ SHING! ]

>> DENT!

STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING...

OR THIS BECOMES...

[ GUN COCKS ]

...A NO-HORSE TOWN.

>> JAMES, NO!

PLEASE DON'T SHOOT JOJO.

>> LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN

THINKING.

DEAR GOD.

I'VE BEEN OBSESSING OVER THIS

TRAIN.

WHAT GOOD IS ALL MY WEALTH IF --

IF I'M UNKIND TO MY FELLOW MAN,

IF I HAVE NO ONE TO SHARE IT

WITH?

RIGHT MY LITTLE, MINXEY?

>> I'M THE SMART ONE.

>> AND I'M THE TOUGH ONE.

>> OHH!

>> AND I'M THE CUTE ONE.

[ GRUNTING ]

[ SPITS ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

>> YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> WHO ARE YOU?

>> WHAT DO YOU CARE, HOMEY?

WE JUST SAVED THE WHOLE TOWN.

>> YOU JUST KILLED TEDDY.

>> NO TIME FOR ROMANCE, JAMES.

I HAVE TO GO.

>> CALL ME JESSE.

[ SMOOCHES ]

JESSE JAMES.

>> MM.

>> NO RELATION TO THE FAMOUS

BANK ROBBER, JUST THE SAME NAME.

[ FOOTSTEPS ]

I'M IN LOVE WITH A CHINAMAN.

>> THANK YOU, PROUD, MYSTERIOUS,

AND VIOLENT WOMEN OF THE ORIENT.

>> All: TIME SLIDE!

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]

[ BEEPING ]

>> WHOO-EE!

[ CHUCKLES ]

LOOKS LIKE TIME SLIDES WHEN

YOU'RE HAVING FUN.

>> Trent: AND THAT'S HOW MY

GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER

SAVED THE INTERCONTINENTAL

RAILROAD.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Sam: NO, DON'T CLAP FOR THAT.

YOUR GRANDFATHER DIDN'T ACTUALLY

DO ANYTHING.

HE WAS BARELY IN THE STORY.

THE TIME ANGELS DID EVERYTHING.

THEY SAVED THE RAILROAD.

HE JUST SHOWED UP AT THE END AND

SAID A PUN.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE WHAT YOU

ALWAYS DO.

>> Trent: YEAH, IT'S PRETTY

GREAT, RIGHT?

>> Sam: WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST CALL

THAT STORY "THE TIME ANGELS SAVE

THE RAILROAD STORY"?

>> Trent: BECAUSE WHAT WOULD

BE THE PUN IN THAT?

>> Sam: BOO.

>> Trent: PAY THE BILL.

I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

>> Sam: I DON'T HAVE MY WALLET.

TRENT, UM...

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

>> OHH!

>> I GUESS HE'S SHOCKED TO SEE

US?