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>> Trent: [ LAUGHS ]
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THAT IS A GREAT STORY.
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YOU'RE VERY FUNNY.
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>> Sam: I WAS JUST TELLING YOU
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ABOUT MY STRUGGLE TO FIND MY
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BIRTH PARENTS, AND YOU JUST --
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>> Trent: YEAH, I KNOW.
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I HEARD THAT STORY.
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IT WAS REALLY BORING.
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LOOK, I GOT A GREAT STORY ABOUT
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A TRIO OF SEXY TIME TRAVELERS
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CALLED THE TIME ANGELS.
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FOR CENTURIES, AN ELITE AND SEXY
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GROUP OF AGENTS FROM THE FUTURE
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HAS WORKED TO PROTECT OUR PAST.
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THEY ARE...THE TIME ANGELS.
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>> I'M DASH.
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I'LL KICK YOUR ASS.
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>> TICKTOCK. I'M CLOCK.
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[ DING! ]
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>> MY NAME IS MILLIE.
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IT'S KIND OF A REGULAR NAME.
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>> Trent: THEY REPAIR TEARS IN
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THE FABRIC OF TIME SO THE WORLD
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CAN FUNCTION PROPERLY.
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>> TIME SLIDE!
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[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
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>> IF YOU DON'T BANG THE [BLEEP]
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OUT OF YOUR BOYFRIEND TONIGHT,
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THE UNIVERSE AS WE KNOW IT WILL
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CEASE TO EXIST.
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>> OKAY. LET'S DO IT!
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>> Trent: THEY NEVER KNOW WHERE
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THEY'RE GOING OR WHAT THEIR
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MISSION WILL BE.
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>> [ GRUNTING ]
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>> All: TIME ANGELS!
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[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]
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>> WHEN THE HELL ARE WE?
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>> TIME ANGELS, WELCOME TO 1869.
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>> Trent: THE TIME ANGELS WERE
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SENT TO THE OLD WEST.
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THEIR MISSION -- TO SAVE THE
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TRANSCONTINENTAL RAILROAD.
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>> HERE WE ARE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL
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DAY TO COMMEMORATE THE
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COMPLETION OF THE
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TRANSCONTINENTAL RAILROAD.
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IF YOU ASK ME, TRAINS IS JUST A
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FAD, LIKE HOOP SKIRTS AND
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TOILETS.
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SO I MIGHT AS WELL INTRODUCE YOU
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TO A MAN WHO THINKS HE KNOWS
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BETTER.
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AND I GUESS HE'S GOT THE RIGHT,
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SINCE HE IS THE PRESIDENT OF
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THESE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,
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GENERAL ULYSSES S. GRANT.
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LET'S GIVE HIM A HAND.
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>> THANK YOU, MR. DENT.
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YESTERDAY, WE JOINED THE NORTH
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AND THE SOUTH.
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TODAY, WE JOIN THE EAST AND
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THE WEST.
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ON THIS AUSPICIOUS OCCASION, I
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WILL HAMMER THE GOLDEN SP--
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Where is it?
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The golden spike?
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Listen to me -- there is a train
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coming in three hours.
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If that spike is not in place,
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that train will derail.
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Find it, Simmons!
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[ CLEARS THROAT ]
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BEFORE WE GET TO HAMMERING THAT
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GOLDEN SPIKE, I'D LIKE TO REGALE
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YOU WITH A TALE OF MY CAT,
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LADY GIGGLES.
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>> HMM.
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>> SHE WENT MISSING THE OTHER
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DAY.
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>> MAYBE THE RAILROAD CAN'T RUN
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UNTIL WE FIND THE PRESIDENT'S
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CAT.
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THIS IS GONNA BE THE CUTEST
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MISSION EVER.
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>> SOMEONE STOLE THE SPIKE,
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YOU DUMBASS.
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WE'VE GOT TO FIND IT.
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>> I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT HAPPENED
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TO THAT GOLDEN SPIKE.
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IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYTHING HINGES
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ON IT.
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>> YEAH, BE A REAL TRAGEDY.
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WITHOUT THAT SPIKE, TRAIN MIGHT
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DERAIL, AND EVERY MAN, WOMAN,
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AND CHILD AND ORPHAN ON BOARD
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WILL DIE.
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AND THEN NO ONE WILL EVER WANT
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TO RIDE THE TRAIN AGAIN.
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AND MY COVERED-WAGON BUSINESS
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WILL REIGN SUPREME.
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[ CHUCKLES EVILLY ]
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BUT I WAS JUST...LAUGHING 'CAUSE
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IT'D -- IT'D BE SO TERRIBLE.
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[ CHUCKLES EVILLY ]
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>> IF MEMORY SERVES, THAT'S
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STAGECOACH MAGNATE
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THEODORE DENT.
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IF ANYONE HAS ANYTHING TO GAIN
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FROM THE SPIKE GOING MISSING,
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IT'S HIM.
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>> SUCH GOOD LUCK HE WALKED BY
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AS HE WAS SAYING JUST EXACTLY
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THAT.
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>> MORE LIKE GOOD TIMING.
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>> WE GET IT.
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I'LL GO INTO THE SALOON AND KEEP
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AN EYE ON DENT.
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>> I'LL SHAKE DOWN THE MINERS,
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SEE IF THEY KNOW ANYTHING.
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>> I'LL SURVEY THE TOWN, SEE IF
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THERE'S ANY SIGN OF
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LADY GIGGLES.
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>> WE'RE NOT LOOKING FOR THE
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PRESIDENT'S CAT!
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>> GOOD.
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>> GO FIND THAT GUY DENT WAS
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WITH.
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SEE IF YOU CAN FIND OUT ANYTHING
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FROM HIM.
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>> TIME ANGELS...
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>> All: INVESTIGATE!
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>> GO.
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[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS ]
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>> [ CRYING ]
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OH, HELP! HELP!
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ARE YOU A GOLD MINER?
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>> I AM.
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>> MY GOLD'S BEEN STOLEN!
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>> THIS IS KIND OF A BAD PART OF
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TOWN.
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>> I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TRUSTED
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THAT EVIL PERSON.
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>> WHAT EVIL PERSON?
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>> ME.
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[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
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>> UGH!
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>> JUST A "MINER" SETBACK...
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BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A GOLD
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MINER.
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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[ SIGHS ]
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NO SPIKE IN HERE -- ONLY GOLD.
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HMM. OH, LOOK.
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[ GRUNTING ]
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>> HI THERE.
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I'M NEW IN TIME -- I MEAN,
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IN TOWN.
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AND I'M A, UH, I'M A NEWSPAPER
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REPORTER.
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>> A CHINAMAN AND A NEWSPAPER
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REPORTER?
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[ SCOFFS ]
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WELL, NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING.
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>> I WRITE FOR THE, UH,
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THE PEKING DAILY.
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>> THE PEKING DAILY?
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WELL, YEAH, I HEARD OF THAT.
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>> I'LL START WITH A QUESTION
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THAT I ASK EVERYBODY -- DID YOU
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HAPPEN TO STEAL A GOLDEN
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RAILROAD SPIKE?
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>> NO, UH, I WOULDN'T STEAL
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ANYTHING.
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THE NAME'S JAMES.
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>> WELL, YOU MUST KNOW MORE THAN
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THAT, JAMES.
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I MEAN, FOR INSTANCE, I SAW YOU
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TALKING TO THEODORE DENT
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EARLIER, THE COVERED-WAGON
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MAGNATE.
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>> WELL, YEAH.
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I TAKE CARE OF HIS HORSE JOJO.
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>> DO YOU THINK HE'D STEAL A
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SPIKE?
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AND IF HE DID, WHERE WOULD HE
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KEEP IT?
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>> WELL, I SUPPOSE HE'D KEEP IT
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IN HIS JACKET POCKET, BUT HE
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WOULDN'T WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH
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IT.
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HE HATES THE RAILROAD.
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>> I'LL ASK YOU ONE LAST
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QUESTION -- WHERE DID YOU GET
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THOSE PRETTY BLUE EYES?
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>> WELL, MY MOTHER HAD BLUE
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EYES, MY FATHER HAD BLUE EYES,
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AND...
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HEY, WHERE'S YOUR NOTEBOOK?
201
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>> WHERE'S YOUR NOTEBOOK?
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>> WHAT?
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>> MM-HMM. KIDDER.
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[ LAUGHS ]
205
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OH, MILLIE, HOW'S IT GOING?
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>> I'VE BEEN KEEPING AN EYE ON
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DENT -- NO SIGN OF THE SPIKE,
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THOUGH.
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I'M GONNA GET CLOSE AND SEE WHAT
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I CAN FIND OUT.
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>> OKAY, I'LL FIND DASH.
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[ MID-TEMPO PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]
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>> OH, YOU MUST BE THE NEW
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PROSTITUTE.
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>> WHAT?
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>> YOU'RE LATE.
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>> WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
218
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>> NOW, GET UPSTAIRS AND GET TO
219
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WORK.
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WE CAN FIGURE OUT YOUR START
221
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PAPERWORK LATER.
222
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YOU'LL GET YOUR WELCOME BASKET
223
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WITH YOUR TIGER BALM AND YOUR
224
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SHAME TOWEL.
225
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>> I DON'T THINK I CAN HAVE SEX
226
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WITH THOSE MEN.
227
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>> OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,
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HONEY.
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MOST OF 'EM JUST WANT TO HAVE
230
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SOMEONE TO SIT THERE AND WATCH
231
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THEM CRY.
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I MEAN, YOU MIGHT HAVE TO HAVE
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SEX WITH ONE OF 'EM, BUT LOOK AT
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THE BRIGHT SIDE.
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OKAY.
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>> BUT I'M THE SMART ONE.
237
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>> "FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN BEERS
238
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AGO..."
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COME ON.
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DRUNK ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
242
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THANK YOU, MA'AM.
243
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What are you still doing here?
244
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Get the spike!
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But that's a pillow!
246
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[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS ]
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>> WELL, YOU HAVE CERTAINLY
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EARNED YOUR FIVE-MINUTE BREAK,
249
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BUT KEEP IT LOOSE AND LIMBER.
250
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DON'T TIGHTEN UP, OKAY?
251
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>> OKAY.
252
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>> MAYBE PUT ON A LITTLE LOTION.
253
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RUSTY, WHY DON'T YOU GET HER A
254
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DRINK?
255
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DRINK UP, BABY.
256
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>> CAN YOU MAKE A WHISKEY SOUR?
257
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>> WHISKEY SOUR?
258
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WELL, LOOK AT THE NEW GIRL IN
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TOWN -- EVERY BIT AS EXOTIC AS
260
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HER COCKTAIL.
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>> [ CHUCKLES ]
262
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YOU FLATTER, MR...
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>> DENT -- THEODORE DENT,
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BECAUSE I DO "THEE-ADORE" THEE.
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[ CHUCKLES ]
266
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>> [ CHUCKLES ]
267
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,950
BUT I'M THE SMART ONE.
268
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:55,848
>> NO TO YOU.
269
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:56,879
>> NO TO YOU.
270
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:58,124
>> NO TO YOU.
271
00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:01,618
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
272
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:04,162
WHY WOULD ANYBODY WANT TO GET ON
273
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:07,027
A TRAIN AND GO SOMEPLACE ELSE
274
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:09,057
WHEN EVERYTHING THEY NEED IS
275
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,632
SITTING RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF
276
00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:12,032
THEM?
277
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,832
>> NOTHING WOULD GET ME MORE
278
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:15,704
AROUSED THAN SEEING PROOF THAT
279
00:07:15,703 --> 00:07:17,673
THE RAILROAD WILL BE STOPPED.
280
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:18,811
>> WELL, LITTLE LADY, THIS
281
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:20,936
HERE'S YOUR LUCKY DAY.
282
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:27,075
>> YOU STOLE THE SPIKE?
283
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,150
>> I DID, INDEED.
284
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,248
INDEED, I DID.
285
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,019
>> WELL, I'M STEALING IT BACK.
286
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:32,618
[ CLANG! ]
287
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,856
[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS ]
288
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:37,563
>> SO THE OTHER DAY, I'M IN THE
289
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,058
WATER CLOSET, AND MY WIFE
290
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:41,089
SHOUTS, "PRESIDENT LINCOLN HAS
291
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:42,234
BEEN SHOT!"
292
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,329
AND I'M LIKE, "UH, OKAY.
293
00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:46,571
KIND OF BUSY IN HERE WITH THE
294
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:47,867
DIARRHEA."
295
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,938
>> DASH!
296
00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:53,907
>> YO, GRANT! CHECK IT!
297
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:54,737
>> THANK YOU.
298
00:07:54,742 --> 00:07:56,082
>> NAIL THAT SUCKER IN.
299
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,106
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
300
00:07:58,111 --> 00:07:59,351
UGH!
301
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:02,616
>> YOU SQUIRRELLY LITTLE MINX.
302
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:03,076
LISTEN UP!
303
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:04,353
I AIN'T GONNA LET THAT TRAIN
304
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:05,591
THROUGH!
305
00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:06,886
THIS HERE'S A ONE-HORSE TOWN,
306
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,187
AND I OWN THAT HORSE, AND HER
307
00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:09,118
NAME IS JOJO.
308
00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:10,592
>> BUT THAT TRAIN IS FULL OF
309
00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:11,361
ORPHANS AND STUFF.
310
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:12,928
YOU CAN'T LET IT CRASH.
311
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:14,856
>> JOJO IS WORTH 10 TRAINLOADS
312
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:17,232
OF ORPHANS...AND ONE DEAD
313
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,270
PRESIDENT.
314
00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:19,365
>> TOO SOON! TOO SOON!
315
00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:20,866
>> I'M GONNA TEACH YOU LITTLE
316
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:23,138
LADIES A LESSON.
317
00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:24,236
>> SORRY, DENT.
318
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:26,807
WE JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME.
319
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:29,177
[ GRUNTING ]
320
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:38,223
[ SHING! ]
321
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:39,218
>> DENT!
322
00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:42,259
STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING...
323
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:43,215
OR THIS BECOMES...
324
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:43,993
[ GUN COCKS ]
325
00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:45,331
...A NO-HORSE TOWN.
326
00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:46,085
>> JAMES, NO!
327
00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:47,833
PLEASE DON'T SHOOT JOJO.
328
00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:50,258
>> LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
329
00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:51,633
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN
330
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:52,272
THINKING.
331
00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:54,065
DEAR GOD.
332
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,667
I'VE BEEN OBSESSING OVER THIS
333
00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:56,999
TRAIN.
334
00:08:57,004 --> 00:08:59,244
WHAT GOOD IS ALL MY WEALTH IF --
335
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:02,409
IF I'M UNKIND TO MY FELLOW MAN,
336
00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:05,109
IF I HAVE NO ONE TO SHARE IT
337
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:06,082
WITH?
338
00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,849
RIGHT MY LITTLE, MINXEY?
339
00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:11,419
>> I'M THE SMART ONE.
340
00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:13,688
>> AND I'M THE TOUGH ONE.
341
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:16,117
>> OHH!
342
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:17,793
>> AND I'M THE CUTE ONE.
343
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,591
[ GRUNTING ]
344
00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:26,898
[ SPITS ]
345
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,440
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
346
00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:32,938
>> YOU'RE WELCOME.
347
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:33,940
>> WHO ARE YOU?
348
00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:35,341
>> WHAT DO YOU CARE, HOMEY?
349
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,042
WE JUST SAVED THE WHOLE TOWN.
350
00:09:37,044 --> 00:09:38,284
>> YOU JUST KILLED TEDDY.
351
00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:39,778
>> NO TIME FOR ROMANCE, JAMES.
352
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:40,680
I HAVE TO GO.
353
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:41,721
>> CALL ME JESSE.
354
00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:42,275
[ SMOOCHES ]
355
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:43,452
JESSE JAMES.
356
00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:44,120
>> MM.
357
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:45,347
>> NO RELATION TO THE FAMOUS
358
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:47,322
BANK ROBBER, JUST THE SAME NAME.
359
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,190
[ FOOTSTEPS ]
360
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:50,789
I'M IN LOVE WITH A CHINAMAN.
361
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,291
>> THANK YOU, PROUD, MYSTERIOUS,
362
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:54,292
AND VIOLENT WOMEN OF THE ORIENT.
363
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:56,134
>> All: TIME SLIDE!
364
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:59,299
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]
365
00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:00,699
[ BEEPING ]
366
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,201
>> WHOO-EE!
367
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,142
[ CHUCKLES ]
368
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:06,306
LOOKS LIKE TIME SLIDES WHEN
369
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:07,836
YOU'RE HAVING FUN.
370
00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,381
>> Trent: AND THAT'S HOW MY
371
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:12,376
GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER
372
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:14,179
SAVED THE INTERCONTINENTAL
373
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:16,851
RAILROAD.
374
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:17,350
THANK YOU.
375
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:18,190
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
376
00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:19,415
>> Sam: NO, DON'T CLAP FOR THAT.
377
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,089
YOUR GRANDFATHER DIDN'T ACTUALLY
378
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:21,988
DO ANYTHING.
379
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:23,159
HE WAS BARELY IN THE STORY.
380
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,486
THE TIME ANGELS DID EVERYTHING.
381
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:25,391
THEY SAVED THE RAILROAD.
382
00:10:25,392 --> 00:10:26,762
HE JUST SHOWED UP AT THE END AND
383
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:27,260
SAID A PUN.
384
00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:28,230
IT'S KIND OF LIKE WHAT YOU
385
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:28,898
ALWAYS DO.
386
00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:29,896
>> Trent: YEAH, IT'S PRETTY
387
00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:30,427
GREAT, RIGHT?
388
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:31,730
>> Sam: WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST CALL
389
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,402
THAT STORY "THE TIME ANGELS SAVE
390
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,270
THE RAILROAD STORY"?
391
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:36,338
>> Trent: BECAUSE WHAT WOULD
392
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:39,106
BE THE PUN IN THAT?
393
00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:39,836
>> Sam: BOO.
394
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:40,510
>> Trent: PAY THE BILL.
395
00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:42,077
I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
396
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,175
>> Sam: I DON'T HAVE MY WALLET.
397
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:45,146
TRENT, UM...
398
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:52,848
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]
399
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:54,523
>> OHH!
400
00:10:54,521 --> 00:10:56,461
>> I GUESS HE'S SHOCKED TO SEE
401
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:57,656
US?
24458
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