Original subtitles

>> [ GURGLING AND COUGHING ]

>> All: WHOO!

>> ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL VICTIM

OF THE WATERBOARD SHOT!

[ ALL CHEER ]

>> YEAH!

>> HEY-O-O-O!

WELCOME TO TIG BITTLEY'S --

WHERE IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY,

YOUR SPRING BREAK, AND YOUR

BAR MITZVAH ALL ROLLED

INTO ONE.

GET IN HERE AND LET'S GET SOME

FOOD!

OKAY, HERE WE GO --

ONE COYOTE SHRIMP STEAK

WITH DYNAMITE-INFUSED

[BLEEP] SAUCE AND SOME

CHIPOTLE EJACULATE.

ANYTHING ELSE?

>> UH, YEAH.

WHERE'S OUR NACHOS?

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW, BUT,

LIKE SEÑOR DICKS, THEY GIVE

YOU, LIKE, A FREE NACHOS.

>> HMM. YEAH.

[ Mimicking ] OH, SEÑOR DICKS.

OH, OH. MY VAGINA HURTS.

HEH HEH HEH HEH.

>> I DON'T HAVE A VAGINA.

>> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING

ABOUT SEÑOR DICKS, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S RUN BY A TWO-BIT SHYSTER

WHO DOESN'T KNOW THE FIRST THING

ABOUT FAMILY-FRIENDLY,

PARTY-CENTRIC, SPORTS-THEMED,

LARGE-PORTION, AFFORDABLE

RESTAURANT HOT SPOTS.

JERK-OFF!

>> BUT WE DO KNOW HOW TO KEEP

OUR CUSTOMERS HAPPY.

ENJOY THIS NACHOS AND SALSA

FLIGHT, COMPLIMENTS OF

SEÑOR DICKS.

>> WOW, THANK YOU.

>> NOW, WHAT WERE YOU SAYING

ABOUT MY FINE ESTABLISHMENT?

>> BROGER -- [ CHUCKLES ]

GOOD TO S--

WHEN DID YOU COME IN?

>> Shh!

>> I DIDN'T --

>> I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THIS PLACE

DOWN.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU WANT TO

END UP LIKE THE LAST MANAGER

OF TIG BITTLEY'S.

>> WHAT? HE ACCIDENTALLY GOT

TANGLED UP IN SOME ROPE AND FELL

INTO HIS TRUNK AND THEN DROVE

OFF THE CORONADO BRIDGE.

DIDN'T HE?

>> NO, I MURDERED HIM.

>> [ GULPS ]

>> [ WHISTLES ]

[ BODY THUDS ]

THE TRUTH IS, I DON'T LIKE

YOUR BRAND.

>> AAAAH!

[ SIZZLING ]

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

[ BOTTLE RATTLING ]

>> Piper: SAVAGES TURNED OVER

THE NACHOS.

>> Trent: HEY.

I CAME AS SOON AS I HEARD.

>> Alphonse: P.O.T.N. IS IN

THE HOSPITAL.

HE'S...IN STABLE CONDITION.

>> THAT MEANS HE'S LIKE A HORSE

IN A STABLE, WAITING TO BE SHOT

AND TURNED INTO GLUE.

>> Trent: YEAH, I KNOW.

I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

>> Piper: WE NEED TO PROTECT

THIS PLACE UNTIL THE PRESIDENT

OF THE NAVY GETS BACK ON

HIS FEET.

>> Trent: I'M OUT.

I VOWED NEVER TO STEP FOOT

IN A BAR AGAIN.

I WAS A "COOLER."

THEY BROUGHT ME IN WHEN BARS

GOT TOO HOT.

I HAD A LETHAL MOVE THAT STOPPED

ANYONE IN THEIR TRACKS.

>> HEY. I.D.

I.D., PLEASE.

>> All: HEAD POP! HEAD POP!

>> Trent: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT...

I'M NOT TOO PROUD OF.

>> All: HEAD POP!

[ BLOOD SPLATTERS ]

>> OH, YOU KILLED HIM.

>> Trent: TURNS OUT, IT WASN'T

A SHORT, HAIRY BIKER.

IT WAS A DOG IN A HELLS ANGELS

VEST.

>> WHOA, HANG ON.

HOW DO YOU MISTAKE A DOG

FOR A PERSON?

>> Trent: YOU PUT SUNGLASSES

ON ANYTHING, IT LOOKS HUMAN.

THAT'S WHY I NEVER COULD STEP

FOOT IN A BAR AGAIN.

>> Piper: I MEAN, TECHNICALLY,

YOU ARE IN A BAR RIGHT NOW.

>> Trent: GOOD POINT.

I'M IN. LET'S DO THIS.

>> Piper: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL,

THE SOCCER MOMS ARE ABOUT

TO ARRIVE.

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BOUNCER

AT THE DOOR.

SECONDLY, THE BAR NEEDS TO BE

LIVENED UP.

OTHERWISE PEOPLE ARE GONNA BE

STARING INTO THEIR MUGS.

AND THIRDLY, ALL OF THE WAITERS

HAVE BEEN MURDERED.

>> Trent: ALL RIGHT, IF WE'RE

GONNA DO THIS, LET'S LOOK

THE PART.

WE HAVE TO MAKE SURE WE KEEP

BROGER'S MEN OUT, SO THERE'S

ONE RULE WE HAVE TO LIVE BY --

PUNCH FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS

NEVER.

NOW, THERE'S THREE HOLES IN

THE HUMAN BODY -- THREE HOLES,

THREE WAYS TO DIE.

>> I'M SORRY, MAN.

THREE HOLES?

>> Trent: YEAH.

>> I MEAN, FROM TOP DOWN,

YOU GOT TWO EYES, YOU GOT

TWO EARS, YOU GOT TWO NOSTRILS,

AND A MOUTH.

THAT'S SEVEN IN YOUR HEAD ALONE.

HOW THE HELL YOU COME UP WITH

THREE?

>> Trent: LOOK, I'M NOT AN

ANATOMY EXPERT, OKAY?

WHAT I AM AN EXPERT AT IS

KICKING ASS AND CRUSHING

TRACHEA.

>> I'M NOT CONFIDENT YOU EVEN

KNOW WHAT A TRACHEA IS.

>> Trent: MOVING ON.

>> SIR, THAT'LL BE $7, PLEASE.

WE'RE NEVER GONNA MAKE ANY MONEY

THIS WAY.

>> Piper: SWEET LITTLE DUMB

LITTLE DAISY.

>> WHOA -- HEY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Piper: Shh!

IF YOU WANT PEOPLE TO PAY,

THEN YOU'VE GOT TO GET

THEIR ATTENTION.

>> ISN'T USING YOUR BODY

JUST PROSTITUTION?

>> Piper: NO, NOT IF YOU'RE

INSIDE.

ALL RIGHT.

>> * MY GIRL LIKES TO... *

>> Piper: FROM HERE ON OUT,

YOUR NAME IS RED, AND YOU LOVE

TO PARTY.

>> * SHE LIKES TO BUMP ME

ALL THE TIME *

>> Piper: COME ON!

DANCE WITH ME, RED!

>> IT'S A BAR!

IT'S NOT FOR DANCING!

>> Piper: OH, THAT DOESN'T SOUND

LIKE SOMETHING RED WOULD SAY.

BE RED, DAISY.

BE RED!

>> I WANT TO BE RED.

>> Alphonse: WELCOME TO

TIG BITTLEY'S -- WHERE

THE BEERS ARE --

>> SMILE FOR ME, SWEETIE.

>> Alphonse: MY NAME'S NOT

"SWEETIE," IT'S ALPHONSE.

>> YOUR NAME TAG SAYS

THAT YOU'RE FROM ALASKA.

DO YOU HAVE ANY ALASKAN

KING CRAB?

>> Alphonse: I'M SO SORRY.

THAT'S NOT ON THE MENU.

>> OH, IT'S NOT?

IT SHOULD BE.

YOU SHOULD PUT SOME KING CRAB

ON THE MENU.

>> Alphonse: OH!

>> YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

'CAUSE I'M GONNA SUCK ON

SOMETHING FROM ALASKA TONIGHT.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> Alphonse: I AM A SERVER,

AND I --

>> WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN HERE --

SOME OF THAT PEPPER?

OH! [ Laughing ] OH HO HO HO!

>> Alphonse: NO ONE TOUCHES

MY GRINDER!

>> OH HO HO!

>> Alphonse: NO ONE TOUCHES

MY GRINDER.

>> WHY DON'T YOU BRING ME

A BIB?

'CAUSE IT'S GONNA GET JUICY.

IT'S GONNA GET REAL JUICY!

>> I'M GONNA JUST SAY IT, MAN.

BUTTHOLE.

>> Trent: CAN WE JUST DROP

THE WHOLE HOLES THING?

>> WELL, YOU BROUGHT IT UP, MAN.

WE'RE TRYING TO CREATE

A BASELINE HERE.

DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER.

>> Trent: LEGALLY, I CAN SHOOT

WHOEVER I WANT.

ANY OTH QUESTIONS?

>> I HEARD YOU KILLED A DOG.

>> Trent: YEAH, I KILLED A DOG.

BIG DEAL.

IT WAS DARK, HE WAS HEAVILY

COSTUMED, AND THAT'S ALL

EVERYONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT --

"OH, YOU KILLED A DOG."

YOU KNOW, WE'VE ALL DONE IT,

RIGHT?

[ CROWD CHEERING ]

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> * I'M GETTIN' HOT... *

>> Piper: WE'RE PARTYING LIKE

CRAZY RIGHT NOW!!

>> * YOU WANT TO DO ME

WITH SOME ATTITUDE *

* YOU WANT IT HARD *

* DON'T LIKE IT SLOW *

* REV UP YOUR MOTOR *

* YOU'RE READY TO GO *

* TOO MANY GIRLS *

* THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE *

* BUT I'VE GOT A GIRL

THAT KNOWS WHAT TO DO *

>> DAISY?

>> DAD?

DAD, I CAN EXPLAIN.

>> MY ENTIRE LIFE, I THOUGHT

YOU WERE A LOSER, A REAL NERD.

BUT NOW, AFTER THIS, [SIGHS]

PROUDEST I'VE EVER BEEN.

>> REALLY?

>> GET BACK UP THERE AND...

MAKE YOUR FATHER PROUD.

AND, HEY.

TAKE THIS.

IT WAS YOUR MOTHER'S GLOW STICK.

* ...BUMP AND GRIND *

>> WHOO!

>> Alphonse: YOU'LL NEVER

BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED

OUT THERE.

>> WHAT?

>> Alphonse: THIS WOMAN SEXUALLY

HARASSED ME.

>> WELL, IT'S THE 5:30 RUSH.

THE KIDS ARE AT SOCCER PRACTICE,

AND THOSE MOMS WANT TO PLAY

WITH BALLS OF THEIR OWN.

THOSE MOMS LOVE GETTING

OFFSIDES.

>> Alphonse: I AM A SERVER,

NOT A WHORE.

>> PLEASE, HONEY.

YOU'RE A WHORE.

EVERY WHORE'S A SERVER, AND

EVERY SERVER'S A WHORE.

KERI RUSSELL IN "WAITRESS"

WAS A WHORE.

ALL OF THEM ARE.

YOU WANT MY ADVICE?

GIVE THEM THE GOODS, GET

THE TIP, AND THEN GO HOME,

WASH OFF THE NIGHT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

JUST LIKE MY MAMA USED TO SAY,

"86 THAT FROWN AND 69 IT

UPSIDE DOWN."

[ SLAPS ]

[ TECHNO-STYLE "LA CUCARACHA"

PLAYS ]

[ ENGINE REVS ]

>> TRENT HAUSER?

TODD BROGER, PROPRIETOR

OF SEÑOR DICKS.

>> Trent: I KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

BROGER, AND YOU AND YOUR GOONS,

THEY'RE NOT WELCOME HERE.

SO GET OUT.

>> YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT YOU.

>> Trent: SO WHAT? BIG DEAL.

I KILLED A DOG.

YOU MAKE A BIG, FEDERAL CASE

OUT OF IT?

EVERYONE'S DONE IT.

>> NO, YOUR BOUNCING SKILLS --

THEY'RE UNMATCHED.

>> Trent: I DON'T DO THAT

ANYMORE.

>> BUT YOU'RE DOING IT NOW.

>> Trent: RIGHT.

BUT THIS IS MORE OF LIKE

A LIMITED-TIME,

SPECIAL-ENGAGEMENT THING --

LIKE A -- LIKE A McRIB.

>> SOMEONE WITH THE POWER

TO SHOOT OFF A MAN'S HEAD

COULD COME IN VERY HANDY

IN THE SLOW FAST-FOOD WORLD.

>> Trent: NO.

THESE HANDS WILL NEVER REMOVE

ANOTHER MAN'S HEAD.

I PROMISED MYSELF AND THE PEOPLE

OF PETA THAT.

>> "NO."

[ SCOFFS ]

THAT'S A WORD I DON'T LIKE

TO HEAR -- JUST LIKE

"HYPOALLERGENIC."

BUT I GUESS IF YOU WON'T JOIN

US, THEN WE GO TO PLAN "B."

>> Trent: BROGER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> HA HA!

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

WITH ALL THE FRAMED POLYESTER

HOCKEY JERSEYS IN THIS PLACE,

YOUR WHOLE RESTAURANT WILL BURN

TO THE GROUND IN LESS THAN

FIVE MINUTES!

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]

>> Trent: ALPHONSE!

LOOK AROUND FOR ANYONE

WHO'S TRAPPED.

>> Alphonse: OKAY.

>> Trent: SAVE ANY SPORTS

MEMORABILIA YOU CAN FIND!

DAISY! PIPER!

STOP YOUR DANCING!

>> Piper: NO, WE'RE HAVING

THE TIME OF OUR LIVES, TRENT!

DAISY JUST MADE

A FLAMING MOJITO!

>> Trent: NO, THAT'S AN ACTUAL

FIRE!

>> Piper: WHAT?!

>> Trent: THIS PLACE IS ON FIRE.

>> [ GASPS ]

>> Piper: TRENT, WE'RE TOO

SCARED TO GET DOWN!

>> Trent: JUST IMAGINE THIS

WHOLE BAR IS A BAR...

AND DANCE YOUR WAY OUT.

USE THE KID ROCK MUSIC IN

YOUR HEAD...

TRAILER PARKS...

JACK DANIEL'S...

REBEL FLAGS...

TRIUMPH...

ONCE YOU WERE POOR, NOW YOU

ARE RICH...

TRAMP STAMPS...

VACATIONS TO VIRGINIA BEACH.

WAY TO GO, GIRLS.

>> Piper: RED, GO!

SAVE YOURSELF!

>> Trent: DRUMS...

STEEL GUITARS...

>> SHERELL!

WHERE ARE MY BITCHES?!

I'M DYING! HELP ME!

MY BEADS ARE CAUGHT ON

THE CHAIR!

ALPHONSE!

>> Alphonse: YOU!

>> I CAN'T MOVE!

PLEASE HELP ME.

PLEASE HELP ME.

HELP ME, ALPHONSE.

WHY DON'T YOU USE THAT

FISHING ROD THAT'S TUCKED

IN YOUR PANTS -- THAT ALASKAN

FISHING ROD?

>> Alphonse: I AM A PERSON,

NOT AN OBJECT!

>> I'M SORRY.

I HAVE A HORMONAL IMBALANCE,

AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

AND I'M FREE! I'M FREE!

I WANT TO DIE...

>> Alphonse: [ STAMMERS ]

>> I WANT TO DIE DOING IT

WITH YOU!

>> Alphonse: NO. LET'S GO!

>> THANK YOU.

>> Alphonse: YOU DIDN'T EVEN

LEAVE ME A TIP.

>> Trent: [ COUGHS ]

HEY, ANYONE HERE?

>> GUESS WHO?

>> Trent: WHAT ARE YOU DOING

HERE?

YOU STARTED THE FIRE.

GET OUT OF HERE.

>> I WANTED A FRONT-ROW SEAT

TO SEE THIS PLACE BURN!

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Trent: [ GROWLS ]

[ GRUNTING ]

NOTHING?

COME ON, THAT HAD TO HURT.

>> WHEN YOU'VE EATEN AS MANY

DEEP-FRIED DISHES AS I HAVE,

NOTHING AFFECTS YOU ANYMORE!

ADMIT IT.

I WON.

THERE'LL BE ONLY ONE FAMILY

FAST-FOOD PLACE ON THIS BLOCK.

UNLESS...

YOU HEAD-POP ME.

[ CHUCKLES ]

BUT YOU WON'T DO IT, WILL YOU?

YOU'RE TOO SCARED.

[ FLAMES CRACKLING ]

[ DOG BARKING ]

>> Trent: SORRY, BUT I GOT TO.

[ ROAR! ]

>> Alphonse: TO SEÑOR DICKS.

>> Piper: TO SEÑOR DICKS.

>> I GOT TO TELL YOU.

I'M GLAD MY TIG BITTLEY'S

BURNT DOWN.

I MEAN, THE INSURANCE MONEY

WAS SWEET, AND THIS PLACE

IS AWESOME.

I KIND OF REGRET GETTING

MY BRAND REMOVED.

>> Piper: YEAH, THIS PLACE

LOOKS JUST LIKE TIG BITTLEY'S,

BUT WITH MORE SOMBREROS.

>> I DON'T GET WHY YOU HAD

TO KILL BROGER.

>> Trent: WHAT?

DAISY, FORGET IT.

I MADE A MISTAKE, OKAY?

I LEARNED MY LESSON.

I WON'T DO IT AGAIN.

>> HEY, THAT GUY DIDN'T PAY

HIS CHECK!

>> Trent: I'M GONNA HEAD-POP

THAT GUY.

>> All: HEAD POP! HEAD POP!

HEAD POP! HEAD POP!

HEAD POP! HEAD POP!

HEAD POP!

>> AAH!

[ DOG BARKS ]