Original subtitles

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Kove: TRENT, REPORT.

HAVE YOU TAKEN OUT THE TARGET?

>> Trent: NEGATIVE.

HE'S GOT YOUR BURN BOOK, AND

HE'S MOVING FAST.

IF THAT GETS INTO THE WRONG

HANDS --

>> Kove: YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL

ME WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.

THAT BURN BOOK IS WHERE I KEEP

ALL MY PRIVATE THOUGHTS, MY

INTERNET PASSWORDS, AND A LIST

OF WHO'S COOL AND WHO'S A

BACKSTABBING BITCH.

ALPHONSE, DO YOU HAVE A SHOT?

>> Alphonse: I CAN'T TELL THEM

APART.

THEY LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE.

>> Kove: OKAY, THEN, SHOOT THEM

BOTH.

>> Trent: WAIT, WHAT?

>> Alphonse: WHAT?!

>> Kove: LOOK, SAM AND I CAN'T

SIT AROUND LIKE ROSS WAITING FOR

RACHEL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

WHO'S THE TERRORIST AND WHO'S

TRENT.

KILL THEM BOTH.

WE'LL WORK IT OUT AFTERWARDS.

>> Sam: WHY DON'T WE USE TRANQS?

>> Kove: TRANQS?!

DID RACHEL "USE TRANQS" WHEN

ROSS CHEATED ON HER WITH THAT

GIRL FROM THE COPY PLACE?

NO!

SHE KILLED THE RELATIONSHIP.

DOESN'T MATTER IF THEY WERE ON A

BREAK.

RIGHT, S.A.M.?

OF COURSE -- RIGHT.

THAT'S TWO AGAINST ONE.

ALPHONSE, TAKE THE SHOT.

THAT'S AN ORDER.

[ GUNSHOT ]

[ GUNSHOT ]

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> * DIEGO

* DIEGO-O-O

* DIEGO-O-O

* SAN DIEGO

>> Sam: I ALWAYS SAID HE HAD A

LOT OF...HANG-UPS.

>> Kove: I APPRECIATE YOU

TRYING, BUT IT'S NO USE.

LET'S FACE IT.

PUNS WERE TRENT'S THING.

YOUR THING IS AWKWARD HUGS.

>> Sam: HEY.

UM, STILL NO SIGN OF EITHER

BODY, HUH?

>> Kove: NO.

TRENT HATED THE IDEA OF A PROPER

BURIAL.

HE WOULD HAVE WANTED IT THIS

WAY.

HE ALSO SAID HE WOULD HAVE

PREFERRED BEING EATEN BY RATS OR

USED AS BONFIRE WOOD BY LOCAL

HOBOS.

THAT WAS HIS WAY.

>> YOU'VE BEEN HACKED.

YOU'VE BEEN HACKED.

YOU'VE BEEN HACKED.

>> Kove: OH, NO!

WE'VE BEEN HACKED.

>> Daisy: OH, NO. MY BAD.

SORRY, THAT WAS JUST A FUNNY GIF

I WAS WORKING ON.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

>> S.A.M.: WHAT IS HAPPENING TO

ME?

>> Kove: ROBOT S.A.M., THIS IS

NO TIME FOR DANCING.

>> S.A.M.: I SEEM TO HAVE LOST

CONTROL OF MY FACULTIES.

>> Daisy: OH, WAIT.

YEAH, NOW WE'VE BEEN HACKED.

>> SECURITY SHUTDOWN.

>> Alphonse: OOH, ARE YOU

WATCHING "THE MATRIX"?

>> Daisy: NO, WE'VE BEEN HACKED

AGAIN, AND BY THE LOCKS OF IT,

THEY HAVE ACCESS TO OUR ENTIRE

SYSTEM.

>> KOVE'S BEEN A BAD GIRL.

KOVE'S BEEN A BAD GIRL.

>> Kove: WELL, ALL I KNOW IS

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY

BURN BOOK BEING STOLEN AND NOT

BEING RECOVERED.

WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHO'S

BEHIND THIS, WHICH SHOULD BE

HARD, BECAUSE EVERYONE LIKES ME.

>> Daisy: SO, UM, THIS MIGHT BE

A BIT OF A BAD TIME [CHUCKLES]

BUT I WAS WONDERING, DOES ANYONE

WANT TO SEE ONE OF GADGET GIRL'S

NEW GADGETS?

HMM?

IT'S A SNOW GLOBE THAT ACTUALLY

SHOOTS BULLETS.

>> Sam: A GADGET -- GADGET GIRL?

WHO'S GADGET GIRL?

>> Daisy: ME.

ME. I'M GADGET GIRL.

DID YOU NOT GET MY E-MAIL?

I'M JUST TRYING TO DEFINE MYSELF

IN THE WORKPLACE A LITTLE BIT.

>> Alphonse: GET OFF ME.

>> Kove: DAMN IT.

DAISY AND HER GIFS.

>> IT'S PRONOUNCED "JIFF."

>> Kove: YOU!

>> HELLO...MOM.

>> Kove: [ SHOUTS ]

>> Daisy: [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, STOP!

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

>> Alphonse: NOT NOW, DAISY.

>> Daisy: NO, IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

>> Sam: DAISY, I'M ABOUT TO BEAT

ALPHONSE.

GIVE ME ONE SECOND.

>> Daisy: GO, GO, GADGET GIRL.

[ GRUNTS ]

>> Sam: WHAT?!

DAMN IT!

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. YOU WIN.

WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT, DAISY?

>> Daisy: [ Panting ] KOVE...

KIDNAPPED...HACKER.

>> Alphonse: USE CONJUNCTIONS,

WOMAN.

>> Sam: KOVE'S BEEN KIDNAPPED.

YOU GUYS FIND OUT WHERE THE

HACKER'S SIGNAL IS COMING FROM,

AND I'LL GO TO KOVE'S HOUSE AND

PRETEND TO BE HER NANNY SO THAT

HER KIDS DON'T GET SUSPICIOUS.

GOOD?

OKAY.

BREAK!

>> Alphonse: WAIT.

WHAT?

>> Sam: OKAY.

>> Trent: I GUESS THE REASON WHY

I OWN A HYBRID IS BECAUSE IT'S

LIKE SAYING "THANK YOU" TO

MOTHER EARTH.

>> S.A.M.: TRENT?

>> Trent: I DON'T HAVE A

SWIMMING POOL, BUT WHAT I LIKE

TO DO IS FILL THE BATHTUB UP

WITH WATER AND GO UNDERNEATH IT.

IT'S LIKE A PRIVATE SWIMMING

POOL.

>> S.A.M.: TRENT IS ALIVE!

>> Kove: [ GROANS ]

>> RISE AND SHINE, MAMA.

>> Kove: KATHLEEN.

>> NO.

IT'S GAIL -- YOUR ONLY DAUGHTER,

GAIL.

>> Kove: OH. RIGHT.

GAIL.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

DIDN'T I SEND YOU A CHRISTMAS

CARD?

>> NO.

YOU DIDN'T.

IT'S TIME YOU START PAYING

ATTENTION TO ME.

>> Kove: CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?

WE'RE DEALING WITH A VERY

IMPORTANT HACKER RIGHT NOW.

>> I'M THE HACKER!

>> Kove: VERY FUNNY, GAIL, BUT

JOKES AREN'T YOUR THING.

YOUR THING IS CRYING AND BEING A

BABY.

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY THING

IS?

YOU LEFT WHEN I WAS BORN.

>> Kove: WELL, THAT'S WHAT I

REMEMBER FROM THE DELIVERY ROOM.

YOU WERE CRYING, AND YOU WERE

BEING A REAL BABY.

>> WHY DID YOU LEAVE?

>> Kove: BECAUSE YOU WERE A

GIRL.

NOW I HAVE TWO BOYS, AND I

COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.

COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.

>> [ GROWLS ]

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

>> Sam: [ High-pitched ] HELLO.

MY NAME IS MRS. SUGAR BLOSSOM.

I'M YOUR NEW NANNY.

WE'RE GOING TO BE THE BEST OF

FRIENDS.

DO YOU GUYS LIKE SINGING OR

DANCING?

>> MOM'S BEEN KIDNAPPED.

>> GET THE GO BAGS.

>> Sam: [ Chuckling ] NO.

WE'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN.

COME. IT'S TIME FOR A HUG.

YES, THAT'S GOOD.

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

[ SHOUTS ]

WHAT?!

[ GROANS ]

[ GROANS ]

NO! WHAT HAPPENED?!

>> S.A.M.: THERE HE IS.

>> Trent: I JOINED SAM'S CLUB.

I MEAN, IT'S WORTH IT, YOU KNOW?

>> S.A.M.: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.

>> Alphonse: NO, S.A.M.

TRENT, THERE YOU ARE.

I KNEW YOU FAKED YOUR DEATH,

STARTED YOUR LIFE ALL OVER, AND

WORKED AT MALL KIOSK SELLING

PENGUINS.

WE ALWAYS FALL FOR THAT.

>> Trent: I AM NOT TRENT.

I AM...GUY PERSON, ASSISTANT

MANAGER OF PICK-A-PUFFIN.

>> Daisy: NAME TAG CHECKS OUT.

LET'S GO.

>> Alphonse: NO, DAISY.

KOVE'S BEEN KIDNAPPED.

>> Trent: WHAT?!

>> [ GASPS, CRIES ]

>> Alphonse: LOOK, MAN, WE NEED

YOU BACK.

>> HEY, BABY. WHAT'S WRONG?

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

>> Trent: LOOK, I LOVE YOU MORE

THAN LIFE ITSELF, AND YOU'RE THE

BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO

ME.

BUT I GOT SOME POOPY NEWS.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FORGET

ABOUT ME FOREVER.

>> WHAT?

NO, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU'RE EVERYTHING TO ME.

>> Daisy: GADGET GIRL TO THE

RESCUE.

MA'AM, LOOK AT THIS.

WHAT YOU JUST SAW, YOU ACTUALLY

DIDN'T SEE.

>> [ GROANS ]

>> Daisy: NOW, WHO IS THAT MAN?

>> GUY PERSON, MY FIANCé.

[ GRUNTS ]

>> Daisy: SHE WON'T REMEMBER

THAT.

>> Trent: GREAT.

WHAT WAS THAT?

>> YOU'VE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN

ABOUT ME.

I HACKED YOUR COMPUTER, AND I'M

NOT EVEN IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN WRITE ABOUT ME

IN YOUR BURN BOOK.

YOU ACT LIKE I DON'T EVEN EXIST.

SO I MADE A PAGE ALL ABOUT ME.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

>> Kove: NO.

IT'S DERIVATIVE.

NEW SUBJECT -- WHAT IS THIS

PLACE?

>> OH.

[ TELEPHONES RINGING, CHATTER ]

WELL, WITH ALL THE HACKING AND

THE STEALING AND THE PLANS TO

KIDNAP YOU, IT BECAME A REAL

CHORE WORKING FROM HOME --

ROOMMATES.

[ GAGS ]

SO I GOT ONE OF THOSE

RENT-AN-OFFICE FACILITIES.

PLUS, I HAVE A SMALL ETSY

COMPANY, SO IT'S A GREAT PLACE

TO SHIP FROM.

>> Kove: SO LET ME GET THIS

STRAIGHT.

YOU'RE GOING TO KIDNAP ME TO

SPEND MORE TIME WITH ME?

TAKE A HINT, SISTER.

I'M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

>> WELL, MAYBE...

I'LL JUST GET INTO YOU.

>> Kove: [ CHUCKLES ]

HOW ORIGINAL, AMANDA.

>> AT THIS POINT, YOU KNOW IT'S

GAIL.

YOU'RE JUST MESSING WITH ME.

SAY, "GAIL."

[ BEEPING ]

YOU KNOW IT'S GAIL.

>> Daisy: KOVE'S DISTRESS SIGNAL

IS COMING FROM INSIDE HERE.

>> Trent: OFFICE BUILDING.

I DON'T TRUST IT.

TOO MANY PEOPLE PARKING IN

DIFFERENT SPACES, NOTES UP ON

THE WALLS, TOO MANY PEOPLE'S

LUNCHES GO MISSING, TOO MANY

WINDOWS, TOO MANY WAYS TO DIE.

>> Daisy: WHICH MEANS YOU'RE

GONNA NEED SOME HELP FROM

GADGET GIRL.

>> Trent: YOU'RE GADGET GIRL?

I THOUGHT I KILLED HER IN 2010.

WHAT THE HELL'S ALL THIS CRAP?

>> Daisy: THIS IS A STAPLER THAT

SHOOTS BULLETS OR A GUN THAT

SHOOTS STAPLES.

IT'S REALLY WHATEVER WAY YOU

WANT TO LOOK AT IT.

AND NOW THIS IS REALLY COOL.

SO, IT'S A SCISSOR, BUT IT'S

ALSO A GUN THAT SHOOTS BULLETS

AND IT'S ALSO...

A STAPLER.

>> Trent: SO, WAIT, THEY'RE JUST

ALL GUNS?

>> Daisy: SO, THE, UH -- THE

NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN A FIX, JUST

CALL THE GADGET GIRL.

>> Trent: I NEED A NICKNAME,

THEN, I THINK, TOO.

CALL ME PAUNCH.

>> Daisy: WHY PAUNCH?

>> Trent: I FEEL KIND OF

PAUNCHY.

PAUNCHY.

>> Daisy: OH.

>> Trent: SO, ACTUALLY, YOU CALL

ME GADGET GIRL.

>> Daisy: NO, YOU -- YOU CAN'T

BE GADGET GIRL.

I'M GADGET GIRL!

>> Trent: YOU'LL BE PAUNCH.

>> JUST TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME

AND THAT YOU'RE PROUD OF ME.

>> Kove: NO.

I'M NEVER ONE TO CODDLE.

>> THEN AT LEAST JUST TELL ME

YOU'RE SORRY.

>> Kove: AND IF I APOLOGIZE,

YOU'LL LET ME GO AND GIVE ME

BACK MY BURN BOOK?

>> YES.

AND THEN WE CAN GET A CHINESE

CHICKEN SALAD AND PRETEND LIKE

THIS WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED.

>> Kove: NEVER!

>> Trent: FREEZE! NTSF!

THIS GUN MEANS WE NEVER HAVE TO

APOLOGIZE.

>> Kove: TRENT, YOU'RE ALIVE!

>> Trent: YEAH.

FAKED MY DEATH.

>> Kove: JUST LIKE WHEN WE GOT

OUR THIRD DIVORCE.

>> Trent: IT'S AN OLDIE BUT A

GOODIE.

WHO THE HELL IS THIS?

>> Kove: THIS IS GINA, MY

DAUGHTER.

>> GAIL! THE NAME IS GAIL!

[ SCREAMS ]

[ RIPS ]

>> [ YELLS ]

>> Trent: HE FAKED HIS DEATH,

TOO?!

DAMN IT, ALPHONSE.

CAN'T YOU KILL ANYONE?!

YOU'RE A TERRIBLE SHOT.

>> Kove: GET HIM, TRENT.

THAT'S IT.

>> Trent: COME HERE!

>> Kove: OH!

YES!

>> Trent: DAMN IT.

THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A

BULLET, NOT A STAPLE.

>> WHAT THE HELL?!

COME ON, GUYS!

HOW ARE WE GONNA THROW FRANK'S

BIRTHDAY PARTY IN THIS MESS?

>> Trent: OKAY, LOOK, I CAN

EXPLAIN.

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> AAH! GEEZ!

>> Trent: THIS THING IS TRICKY.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

>> THIS SUMMER...

>> Sam: [ High-pitched ] HELLO!

[ SHOUTS ]

>> ...BEING A WOMAN...

>> Sam: [ SHOUTS ]

>> ...JUST GOT NUTTIER.

>> Sam: [ SHOUTS ]

>> BECAUSE TO BE A LADY...

>> Sam: [ SHOUTS ]

>> ...IT TAKES BALLS.

>> Trent: I GUESS, IF YOU WERE

TO ASK ME, MY FAVORITE DESSERT

WOULD BE MOCHI.

IT'S FUNNY.

IT'S LIKE KIND OF A-A DOUGH ICE

CREAM.

YOU KNOW, WE GOT A BUNK BED FOR

THE SPARE ROOM.

WE FIGURE THE GUESTS WILL LIKE

IT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF FUN.

IT BRINGS YOU BACK TO BEING A

KID.

I'VE BEEN JOURNALING A LOT,

WRITING A LOT OF MY THOUGHTS

DOWN.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE MY OWN VERSION

OF POETRY.

I'M A TYPE OF GUY WHO SAYS,

"HELL, EVEN THOUGH I'M AN ADULT,

I'LL STILL EAT A FRUIT ROLL-UP."

GOT TO SAY, CAN'T MISS MY

KATHIE LEE AND HODA.

[ Chuckling ] I MEAN, THOSE TWO

ARE WILD.

SO, I'M TAKING THIS SPIN CLASS,

RIGHT?

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M LIKE,

"WHY DO THEY CALL IT A SPIN

CLASS?

THEY SHOULD CALL IT A SWEAT

CLASS."

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'M JOKING, OF COURSE.

IT'S A GREAT WORKOUT.