Original subtitles

>> Trent: THERE YOU GO.

EVERY ENTRYWAY IN THE HOUSE IS

COMPLETELY BOOBY-TRAPPED.

IF THESE FOUR-LEGGED BEASTS

ATTEMPT ANOTHER HOME INVASION,

THEY'LL BE EXECUTED WITH EXTREME

PREJUDICE.

>> OOH. THANKS, BIG BROTHER.

IT IS SO GREAT TO HAVE A MAN

AROUND THE HOUSE AGAIN.

>> Trent: DIDN'T YOU JUST FILE

FOR DIVORCE A WEEK AGO?

>> YEAH, EXACTLY.

IT WAS, LIKE, SUCH A SAD SEVEN

DAYS, SO I GOT TO GET BACK OUT

THERE.

SPEAKING OF, THANKS SO MUCH FOR

WATCHING THE KIDS.

YOU'RE SUCH A NATURAL WITH THEM.

>> Trent: YEAH, I'M GOOD WITH

KIDS.

>> WISH ME LUCK!

I'M GOING OUT ON THE TOWN!

OH, WHO NEEDS LUCK...WHEN YOU'RE

DESPERATE?

>> YOU CAN COME OUT NOW.

SHE'S GONE.

>> Trent: WHAT'S THAT?

>> HERE YOU GO, PAXTON.

COME ON.

>> Trent: WHAT THE HELL?

>> PAXTON LOVE GOOBS.

>> Trent: AN ILLEGAL ALIEN.

>> BILLY PAXTON'S FRIEND.

>> YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND IN THE

WHOLE WORLD.

>> Trent: AIDING AND ABETTING A

TERRORIST.

>> HELP PAXTON BRING PEACE TO

EARTH.

>> Trent: I BROUGHT A PIECE,

TOO -- A PIECE OF MY MIND.

AND IT'S TELLING ME TO GIVE YOU

A PIECE OF MY GUN -- THE BULLET

PIECE.

[ SCREAMS ]

>> NO! COME BACK.

>> NTSF:SD:SUV::! NO!

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Trent: DAMN IT, BILLY, TELL

ME WHO THIS MAN IS.

>> THAT'S PAXTON.

HE'S MY FRIEND.

>> Trent: HE'S A TERRORIST!

ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT IN A

SLEEPER CELL?

>> I HAVE A SLEEPING BAG.

>> Trent: OH, YOU'RE SMART,

RIGHT?

YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT IN

SCHOOL?

>> SCIENCE.

>> Trent: COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.

I THOUGHT IT WAS TERRORISM.

NOW TELL ME ONE THING -- WHAT

ARE YOU PLANNING?

>> WE'RE GONNA GO

TRICK-OR-TREATING.

>> Trent: YOU WANT TO GO

TRICK-OR-TREATING?

YOU CAN GO TRICK-OR-TREATING IN

PRISON WHERE THE TRICK IS

GETTING A SHIV AND THE TREAT IS

POURING OUT YOUR OWN BLOOD.

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

I'LL GO GET A DUSTPAN.

[ DOOR SLAMS ]

HE WON'T SAY ANYTHING, WHICH

MEANS HE'S PROBABLY A TERRORIST,

TOO.

BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM A

CHILD OF DIVORCE?

>> Kove: CHILD TERRORISTS ARE

THE WORST KIND -- NO MORALS,

FUELED BY CANDY AND MOVIES ON

THEIR iPAD.

>> Sam: I DON'T THINK BILLY'S

FRIEND IS A TERRORIST.

HE'S AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL.

>> Trent: I THINK YOU MEAN TO

SAY AN EXTRA-TERRORIST-TRIAL

>> Sam: NO, I DIDN'T.

>> Kove: WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT

ALIENS, SAM?

>> Sam: WELL, I MEAN, I MINORED

IN PARANORMAL STUDIES AT

SARAH LAWRENCE, SO...

>> Kove: ALIENS DON'T EXIST.

THEY WERE MADE UP BY

GENE RODDENBERRY SO INDOOR KIDS

COULD HAVE SOMETHING TO LIVE

FOR.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, E-CIGARETTE

SMOKING MAN?

>> Trent: LOOK, IF HE IS AN

ALIEN, THAT MEANS HE'S FROM A

DISTANT PLANET, WHICH MAKES HIM

A FOREIGNER, HENCE A TERRORIST.

>> Sam: SO, JUST EVERYTHING

THAT'S FOREIGN IS BAD?

>> Trent: THINK ABOUT IT.

THEY DESTROY OUR STREETS WITH

THEIR WOODEN SHOES, WRECK OUR

SKYLINES WITH THEIR QUAINT

WINDMILLS, AND DESTROY OUR APPLE

PIES WITH THEIR SUPERFLUOUS

CRUMB TOPPINGS.

>> Sam: TRENT, EVERYTHING YOU

JUST SAID SPECIFICALLY IS ABOUT

THE DUTCH.

>> Trent: WHO ARE FOREIGN.

GAME, SET, MATCH -- TRENT.

>> Sam: WAIT A SECOND.

I JUST -- I JUST THOUGHT OF

SOMETHING.

YOU GUYS REMEMBER ABOUT SIX

MONTHS AGO SOMETHING

CRASH-LANDED IN THE DESERT JUST

OUTSIDE SAN DIEGO?

SEVERAL EYEWITNESS REPORTS

STATED SEEING TWO SHORT HUMANOID

CREATURES EXITING THE CRASH.

NOW, OF COURSE, THE GOVERNMENT

DENIES IT.

MAYBE ONE OF THESE ALIENS IS

BILLY'S FRIEND.

>> THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS.

ALIENS? COMING TO EARTH?

TO WHAT?

BE FRIENDS WITH US AND KEEP US

COMPANY?

THAT'S CRAZY TALK.

ALIENS DEFINITELY DON'T EXIST,

ESPECIALLY TWO OF THEM.

I MEAN, WHERE WOULD A SECOND

ALIEN BE HIDING OUT AND WHO

WOULD KEEP A THING LIKE THAT A

SECRET?

EXCUSE ME.

>> Kove: HMM.

>> Sam: OKAY.

>> EVERYONE OUT.

OUT!

GET OUT OF MY LAB.

>> FREE ME!

MUST GO HOME.

>> OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU'RE MY FRIEND -- MY ONLY

FRIEND.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> LET GO, DAISY, PLEASE!

>> OH, NO, NO, NO.

YOU HAVE TO STAY WITH ME.

NTSF DOESN'T LIKE YOUR KIND.

THAT'S WHY I'LL PROTECT YOU.

SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

SHH, SHH, SHH.

NOW, BE A GOOD GIRL AND PUT ON

THIS PIRATE HAT.

OOH! SHIVER ME TIMBERS!

AYE!

>> HELP!

HATE DAISY.

HATE DAISY!

>> NOW GO TO SLEEP.

>> [ GROANS ]

[ Slurring ] HATE DAISY.

[ LOCK ENGAGES ]

>> Sam: HEY, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE

HALLOWEEN?

>> Trent: HATE HALLOWEEN.

>> Sam: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE

PICKED THE SAME COSTUME.

>> Trent: THIS HOLIDAY'S GOT THE

WORST THAT HUMANITY HAS TO

OFFER -- CHARITY AND ALL THOSE

WASTED EGGS.

KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED.

HEY! WHAT DO YOU GOT?

WHAT IS THIS?

>> LEAVE ME ALONE, KETCHUP.

>> Trent: COME HERE. COME ON.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

HE'S CLEAN, JUST FAT.

THIS LITTLE TERRORIST COULD BE

ANYWHERE.

THAT'S BILLY'S HOUSE RIGHT

THERE.

WHEN HE GOES TRICK-OR-TREATING,

I GUARANTEE YOU HIS TERRORIST

FRIEND WILL JOIN HIM.

>> MOMMY'S GONNA SEE IF THEY CAN

FIND SOME NEW DADDIES AT THIS

COOL WAREHOUSE PARTY.

>> Trent: LET'S GO.

>> YEAH, SO DON'T WAIT UP.

>> * FRIENDS STAY TOGETHER TILL

THE END *

* EVEN WHEN IT GETS PAINFUL

INSI-I-DE *

* FRIENDS TILL THE E-E-E-ND!

>> NEED WATER. THIRSTY.

>> UGH, YOU'RE FINE.

>> HATE DAISY.

>> WELL, AREN'T YOU A GREENIE

MEANIE?

JUST A WEE GREENIE MEANIE.

GREENIE MEANIE!

LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED TO LEARN A

LESSON.

>> NO! DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET.

>> WELL, YOU DID UPSET.

TIME TO GO BACK TO SLEEP.

>> [ GROANS ]

>> [ SMOOCHES ]

>> Trent: KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.

HE'S GOT TO BE AROUND HERE

SOMEWHERE.

HEY!

I'M ON TO YOU, PRINCESS.

I'M WATCHING YOUR EVERY MOVE.

>> BRING PEACE.

>> Trent: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

THERE HE IS!

AAH!

HEY, YOU.

>> Sam: TRENT, DON'T HURT HIM.

>> Trent: GROUCHO -- GREAT

DISGUISE.

HOPE YOU CAN GET BLOOD OUT OF

IT.

>> Sam: NO!

NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

LET ME TALK TO HIM.

I'VE WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE FOR

THIS, TRENT.

I INVENTED MY OWN ALIEN

LANGUAGE.

HE'LL UNDERSTAND.

CHEE-KA-GO.

WA-MEOW-MEOW.

CHUGA-CHUGA-BOO.

IT'S NOT AS INTUITIVE AS I

THOUGHT.

>> Trent: LET'S JUST KILL HIM.

>> Sam: NO, TRENT.

I WON'T LET YOU.

COME ON. I'LL SAVE YOU!

>> Trent: [ GRUNTS ]

>> Sam: OFF THE SEGWAY, GOB.

COME ON, GUYS.

>> Trent: SAM!

>> Sam: OH, MAN.

CAN'T THIS THING GO ANY FASTER?

>> Trent: LITTLE HELP?

LITTLE HELP, YOU LITTLE

TERRORIST!

[ ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Sam: THERE WE GO.

WE'RE FLYING.

WE'RE REALLY FLYING!

>> WOW!

>> Sam: IT'S AMAZING!

WHAT? THAT'S IT?

WE'RE LIKE A FOOT OFF THE

GROUND.

>> Trent: WHAT THE HELL?!

IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING

SLIGHTLY WONDROUS IS HAPPENING.

>> MUST GET PEACE DEVICE.

>> Sam: I KNEW IT.

I KNEW YOU WERE A PEACEFUL,

BENEVOLENT ALIEN.

I CAN'T WAIT TO LEARN YOUR WAYS.

OH, NO!

>> Kove: APPREHEND THESE

TERRORISTS.

>> BILLY, NO!

SAVE ME!

>> Sam: WAIT, I-I HAVE SO MANY

QUESTIONS.

LIKE WHAT'S THE KEY TO RENEWABLE

ENERGY?

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM?

DO YOU THINK I COULD PULL OFF

CORNROWS?

>> [ MOANING ]

>> [ COUGHS ]

>> Kove: THEY BOTH SEEM TO BE

GETTING SICK.

>> Trent: WHO THE HELL PUT

PLASTIC IN FRONT OF THE DOOR?

SOMEONE SHOULD ACTUALLY CUT A

HOLE FOR A DOOR IN THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT DO WE GOT?

>> THE TOXICOLOGY REPORTS HAVE

COME BACK.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE CHILD

INADVERTENTLY POISONED THE ALIEN

THING BY GIVING HIM A BUNCH OF,

UH, GOBBY GOOEY GUMDROPS.

>> Trent: PROBABLY SICK FROM ALL

THE FREEDOM IN OUR AIR.

HE DOESN'T GET THAT ON HIS

ILLEGAL, COMMIE PLANET.

>> LOVE GOOBS.

>> Trent: LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN

THE GARAGE.

LOOKS LIKE SOME SORT OF BOMB.

>> Sam: IT'S NOT A BOMB.

>> Kove: SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

HERE?

YOU'RE SUSPENDED.

>> Sam: YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO

ME.

THAT'S NOT A BOMB, AND THIS

ALIEN IS PEACEFUL.

AREN'T YOU, BUDDY?

>> Trent: WHAT DO YOU KNOW, YOU

ALIEN SYMPATHIZER?

[ PLASTIC RUSTLING ]

>> OH. OH, A MUPPET.

OH, MY GOD. ALF.

REMEMBER?

AH. OH!

HEY, LOOK WHO I FOUND STANDING

VERY MYSTERIOUSLY IN YOUR

PARKING LOT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> Trent: I KNOW YOU THINK YOUR

SON, BILLY, IS A SWEET LITTLE

ANGEL, BUT HE'S ACTUALLY A

LITTLE TERRORIST.

>> OKAY.

SO, CAN WE JUST DEAL WITH THIS

TOMORROW?

>> Trent: UH, YES.

>> YEAH?

>> Trent: RIGHT. YES.

>> OKAY.

GOOD. LET'S GO.

OH.

UM, DO YOU THINK HE LIKES WINE

COOLERS?

>> Trent: I -- DO THEY EVEN MAKE

THOSE ANYMORE?

>> I HAVE SO MANY STILL.

>> Trent: I DON'T -- I DON'T

KNOW.

>> THE ALIEN'S CONDITION IS

WORSENING.

HE'S DYING.

>> Trent: HE'S JUST PLAYING

POSSUM.

HEY! WAKE UP.

HEY, HEY, HEY!

>> PEACE. HEAL.

PEACE.

>> Trent: YOU FIXED MY TRIGGER

FINGER.

>> [ GASPS ]

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> Sam: OH, MY GOD!

YOU KILLED HIM!

>> Trent: NO.

HE -- HE WAS ATTACKING ME.

>> Kove: YEAH, I SAW IT.

>> Trent: YEAH.

>> NO!

HE WAS MY ONLY FRIEND, AND NOW

HE'S DEAD.

NOW I HAVE NO ONE.

>> I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

BECAUSE I WOULD HATE TO LOSE MY

BEST FRIEND, TOO.

>> NO, DON'T HURT LILLY!

>> Trent: WHAT THE HELL?!

>> Kove: YOU JUST KEEP GETTING

WEIRDER AND WEIRDER.

>> Trent: YOU HAVE A TERRORIST,

TOO?

>> SHE'S NOT A TERRORIST.

SHE'S A FRIEND.

AND MAYBE MY FRIEND COULD HELP

YOUR FRIEND.

>> HEAL.

HEAL.

>> Sam: SEE?

THEY ARE PEACEFUL.

>> IT'S WORKING.

>> PREPARE TO...

>> DESTROY!

[ SCREAMING ]

[ BUZZING ]

>> Kove: WE'VE JUST RECEIVED

THIS TAPE.

IT SEEMS THE ALIENS HAVE

ACCEPTED FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR

THE DESTRUCTION OF THE

GASLAMP DISTRICT AND HAVE

PROMISED MANY MORE ATTACKS

WORLDWIDE.

>> Trent: TOLD YOU, SAM.

"ALIEN'S" JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR

"FOREIGNER," WHICH IS ANOTHER

WORD FOR "TERRORIST."

>> HOW'S BILLY?

>> Trent: WELL, HE LEARNED A

VERY VALUABLE LESSON -- ALL

FRIENDS ARE BAD.

WHICH IS WHY I DON'T HAVE ANY.

>> NOW THAT WE DO KNOW SOMEONE'S

UP THERE, I WONDER WHAT THEY

HAVE PLANNED FOR US.

>> [ High-pitched voice ] I

WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

>> SECRETS, COVER UPS,

CONSPIRACIES, LIES, AND

CELEBRITY GOSSIP.

WELCOME TO

"UNCOVERED COVER UPS."

MINISKIRTS ARE MAKING A COMEBACK

THIS SEASON.

IS IT THE WORK OF PARISIAN

FASHIONISTAS OR IS IT...

ALIENS?

THE MAYANS PREDICTED THE BREAKUP

OF MR. DANNY DeVITO AND

MRS. RHEA PERLMAN.

BUT WHO SHALL WE THANK FOR THEIR

RECONCILIATION?

WHY, MR. MICHAEL DOUGLAS, OF

COURSE -- FAMED ACTOR, FAMILY

FRIEND...

AND ALIEN?

ONLY YOU CAN BE THE JUDGE.

BUT REMEMBER, WHEN YOU JUDGE,

YOU BECOME ONE OF THEM -- A

SASQUATCH.