Original subtitles

>> Kove: IF I'M READING THIS

CORRECTLY, AND I AM, A LOT OF

CHATTER SUGGESTS THERE'S GOING

TO BE AN ATTACK ON THE PRESIDENT

OF THE NAVY'S LIFE.

>> Daisy: HE'S GIVING THE

COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS AT THE

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN SAN DIEGO

GRADUATION IN A FEW DAYS.

HE'LL BE A SITTING GOOSE.

>> Sam: WE COULD REALLY USE

TRENT AND ALPHONSE RIGHT NOW.

>> Trent: ALOHA.

>> Daisy: TRENT, THANK GOD.

>> Trent: DON'T THANK GOD.

THANK PAKA'A, THE HAWAIIAN

SPIRIT OF THE WIND, WHOSE GENTLE

BREEZES I FLEW HERE TO SAN DIEGO

UPON.

>> Kove: TRENT'S BEEN ON

ASSIGNMENT TRAINING KILLER

DOLPHIN AGENTS IN MAUI.

>> Alphonse: AND I AM ALSO BACK

AND NORMAL.

>> Daisy: WERE YOU IN HAWAII,

TOO?

>> Kove: ALPHONSE WAS ON A

WELL-EARNED VACATION IN THE

CAVES OF THE YEMEN.

>> Alphonse: THE PEOPLE OF YEMEN

ARE BEAUTIFUL, HOSPITABLE, AND

KIND, AND THERE WAS NO

REPROGRAMMING WHATSOEVER.

>> Kove: TRENT, WE NEED TO

SECURE THE USSD STADIUM FOR

THEIR GRADUATION CEREMONY.

>> Trent: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

NO CAN DO, LADY KOVE.

THE WAVES ARE GNARLS BARKLEY,

AND I GOT A KILLER DATE WITH

THIS BOARD AND A BREW.

>> Daisy: BUT THE TERRORIST

THREAT!

>> Trent: GOT ONE WORD FOR

TERRORISTS...

MAHALO.

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Sam: I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER

SEEN HIM WEAR SHORTS BEFORE.

>> Trent: * AND THE COCONUT SAID

TO THE PALM TREE *

>> Daisy: IT'S LIKE HE'S A

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON, A

POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS

DIFFERENT PERSON.

>> Kove: THERE'S NO QUESTION

ABOUT IT.

TRENT HAS BEEN REPROGRAMMED TO

ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT OF THE

NAVY.

>> Sam: THEN WE SHOULD LOCK HIM

UP.

>> Kove: WRONG AGAIN, SAM.

BY NOT LOCKING HIM UP, WE'LL

LEARN MORE ABOUT HOW HE PLANS TO

KILL THE PRESIDENT.

>> Sam: OR WE'LL STOP HIM FROM

DOING IT BECAUSE HE'LL BE LOCKED

UP.

>> Daisy: WELL, AT LEAST WE CAN

TRUST ALPHONSE.

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

>> HEY, GUYS. LISTEN UP.

"AS YOU PREPARE TO CROSS THE

[BLEEP] THRESHOLD BETWEEN THE

SAFETY OF MOTHER[BLEEP] ACADEMIA

AND THE CHALLENGES OF WHAT WE

CALL REAL [BLEEP] LIFE" --

>> Daisy: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

LANGUAGE.

>> I AM PRACTICING FOR MY BIG

COMMENCEMENT SPEECH.

>> Kove: LET ME SEE THAT.

WH-- THERE'S NONE OF THAT

PROFANITY IN HERE AT ALL.

>> THAT'S JUST THE WAY I TALK.

JUST KILLED THE "DEF COMEDY JAM"

LAST NIGHT!

I MEAN, THEY [BLEEP] WERE LIKE,

"WHAT THE [BLEEP]"

>> Kove: ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

YOUR FILTHY MOUTH IS THE LEAST

OF YOUR WORRIES.

WE BELIEVE THAT TRENT HAUSER HAS

BEEN PROGRAMMED TO CARRY OUT AN

ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT ON YOU

WHEN YOU MAKE THAT SPEECH.

>> WELL, SHOULDN'T WE JUST LOCK

HIM UP?

>> Sam: THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

>> Kove: NO.

WE'LL LEARN MORE BY LETTING HIM

GET WITHIN INCHES OF ACTUALLY

KILLING YOU.

>> AH. GREAT IDEA.

WHAT'S THE PROTECTION PLAN FOR

ME, THOUGH?

>> Daisy: I THINK I HAVE THE

ANSWER TO THAT.

[ BEEP ]

[ WHIRRING ]

[ THUDDING ]

>> DID SOMEONE CALL 911?

>> A ROBO GUARD?!

[ LAUGHS ] THIS IS AWESOME!

>> Daisy: EDDIE WAS SHOT

MULTIPLE TIMES BY AN NTSF AGENT.

HE TOTALLY SURVIVED, BUT HE

SUFFERED TWO BROKEN RIBS AND A

BRUISED JAW.

FORTUNATELY, THE NTSF EMPLOYMENT

CONTRACT ALLOWS US TO TAKE

SPECIAL MEASURES TO KEEP ONE A

USEFUL MEMBER OF THE FORCE.

AND THUS I INTRODUCE YOU TO

EDDROID.

>> DID SOMEONE CALL 911?

>> Daisy: HE'S THE PERFECT

AGENT.

NO FEELINGS AND NO ATTACHMENTS.

>> DIDN'T HE HAVE A FAMILY?

>> Daisy: OH, YES.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

I TOLD THEM HE WAS DEAD.

[ WHIRRING ]

SEE? NO FEELINGS.

>> [ Sobbing ] SWEETHEART, I

MISS YOU SO MUCH.

>> Daisy: EDDROID, SHOW THEM

YOUR STUFF.

>> AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

THIS HURTS SO BAD!

IT'S SO PAINFUL!

>> IT'S AMAZING!

HE SOUNDS SO HUMAN!

>> I'M FULLY AWARE!

I FEEL EVERYTHING!

>> I'M SURE YOU DO.

>> AAH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> HE'S DOING THE RUNNING MAN!

REALLY GOOD.

THIS IS GOOD.

>> HELP ME!

HELP ME!

>> DID THEY CUT OFF HIS

CLACKERS?

>> AAH!

>> HE'S SCREAMING LIKE IT

ACTUALLY HURT.

>> AAH!

>> VERY, VERY LIFELIKE.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> AAH!

>> WHOO!

LET'S GET HOT AND WET!

>> [ British accent ] CAN I HELP

YOU?

>> I DOUBT IT.

I'M HERE FOR THE HOT-WING

EATING/WET T-SHIRT CONTEST.

>> YES, I'M SORRY TO SAY THERE

IS NO HOT-WING EATING/WET

T-SHIRT CONTEST.

YOU SEE, YOUR COMMANDER KOVE

ENLISTED ME TO HELP YOU CONQUER

YOUR UNCONTROLLABLE PROFANITY.

AND WE FIGURED THAT THIS WAS THE

ONLY WAY TO GET YOU HERE.

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

NO TITTIES?

>> NO TITTIES.

>> NO WINGS?

>> NO WINGS.

>> NO TITTIES?!

>> NO TITTIES AGAIN.

MY NAME IS HOBSON CHIPPS.

AND I'M BRITISH.

>> I DON'T HAVE A [BLEEP]

CURSING PROBLEM.

>> LET'S READ THIS, SHALL WE?

>> "HELLO, CLASS OF 2013.

I'M SO [BLEEP] HONORED TO BE

WITH YOU TODAY FOR YOUR [BLEEP]

COMMENCEMENT FROM THE FINEST

UNIVERSITY IN THE MOTHER[BLEEP]

WORLD."

[BLEEP] ME!

I DO HAVE A PROBLEM.

>> ITEM DETECTED -- SAM.

>> SAM, DAISY'S CONDUCTING

EXPERIMENTS ON ME.

>> Sam: THAT'S A GOOD THING YOU

DON'T HAVE FEELINGS.

THAT WOULD SUCK.

>> TRENT.

[ WHIRS ]

THEY'VE TAKEN MY SOUL.

>> Trent: WHOA, THAT'S A BUMMER,

DUDE.

PEACE.

[ HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Kove: MUSIC AGAIN.

HE'S BEEN PLAYING IT NONSTOP.

>> Daisy: IT'S SO RELAXING.

I FEEL IT MELLOWING ME OUT.

>> Alphonse: EXCUSE ME.

I NEED SECURITY CLEARANCE FOR A

LONG-RANGE, HIGH-POWERED COVERT

WEAPONRY.

I WILL USE IT TO AIM AT PEOPLE

WHO ARE NOT THE PRESIDENT OF THE

NAVY.

>> Kove: DAISY, HELP ALPHONSE

WITH WHATEVER IT IS HE'S DOING.

THOSE BASTARDS.

WHAT DID THEY DO TO HIM?

>> SOMETIMES IT'S EASIER TO LET

GO THE CURSING WHEN SOMEONE ELSE

IS DOING THE TALKING.

HERE. PUT THIS ON AND THEN READ

THIS.

>> [ SIGHS ]

OKAY.

[ High-pitched voice ] "TODAY

MARKS THE NEW MOTHER[BLEEP]

CHAPTER IN THE [BLEEP] LIVES --

[ Normal voice ] WHOA, HOLD ON

THERE, LITTLE GUY!

[ CHUCKLES ]

THAT'S A LITTLE RUDE, DON'T YOU

THINK?

[ High-pitched voice ] I'LL TELL

YOU WHAT'S RUDE.

YOU STICKING YOUR HAND UP MY

ASS[BLEEP]

[ LAUGHS ]

NOW, WHERE WAS I?

YOU KIDS HAVE A FUTURE THAT'S

WIDE OPEN, MUCH LIKE THIS GUY'S

SISTER'S [BLEEP]

[ Normal voice ] HEY, [BLEEP]

YOU!

YOU DON'T TALK [BLEEP] ABOUT MY

SISTER!

SHE'S A SAINT!

I'LL STOMP YOUR [BLEEP] IN THE

DIRT, YOU [BLEEP]

>> YEAH.

>> [ High-pitched voice ] YOU

SUCK YOUR OWN [BLEEP]

[ Normal voice ] I'VE NEVER

SUCKED MY OWN [BLEEP]

NEVER [BLEEP] [BLEEP]

>> ITEM DETECTED -- CHAIR.

>> I KNOW WHAT A CHAIR IS!

>> FATIGUE LEVEL -- MAXIMUM.

>> HOW DO I TURN OFF THESE

GRAPHICS?

>> ITEM DETECTED --

>> Daisy: HAVING TROUBLE,

EDDROID?

>> DAISY.

>> YES.

I JUST WANT TO SHUT DOWN.

>> Daisy: OH, YOU CAN'T EVER

SHUT DOWN, BUT YOU CAN GO INTO

REST MODE.

>> YES.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

I JUST WANT TO REST FOR A WHILE.

>> Daisy: WHENEVER YOU'RE NOT

WORKING, YOU'LL BE KEPT IN HERE.

YOU DON'T ACTUALLY SLEEP.

YOU JUST STAND HERE UNTIL WE

NEED YOU FOR SOMETHING.

>> AAH!

THIS IS TERRIFYING FOR ME!

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, AND

YOU ENJOY IT!

>> Piper: WE NEED TO KEEP OUR

EYES OUT FOR TRENT OR ANYONE WHO

LOOKS LIKE TRENT.

>> Sam: I'M ON IT.

>> [ SIGHS ]

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS,

HOBSON.

>> WELL, NOT TO WORRY.

I GET PAID EITHER WAY.

[ PATS BACK ]

>> Trent: EXCUSE ME, DUDES.

WHO-O-O-A. LOOK AT THIS.

ALOHA, SAM.

>> Sam: I SPOTTED TRENT.

I'LL KEEP HIM BUSY.

ALOHA!

>> Trent: ALO-HA.

>> Sam: ALO-HA.

>> Trent: A-LO-HA.

>> Sam: A-LO-HA.

>> Trent: ALO-HOO, YEAH.

JUST GOT TOTALLY WIPED OUT ON MY

ALOHA, BRO.

>> Sam: THIS IS SO EASY.

>> Trent: HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON,

BROS?

NO, THIS ISN'T GNARLY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

ARE WE GOING TO A LUAU OR

SOMETHING?

WHAT THE --

[ CHATTER ]

>> Piper: ALPHONSE?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A COLLEGE

STUDENT.

>> Alphonse: YES.

I'M ALPHONSE, AND TODAY I

GRADUATE FROM USSD.

>> Piper: OH.

OKAY, THAT SOUNDS REASONABLE.

LET ME ESCORT YOU TO A SPOT

WHERE YOU'LL HAVE A CLEAR,

UNOBSTRUCTED SIGHT LINE.

>> Alphonse: GOOD.

THIS IS NOT A BLOW DART.

>> AND NOW PLEASE WELCOME THE

PRESIDENT OF THE NAVY.

>> [ SIGHS ]

[ MICROPHONE FEEDBACK ]

>> GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF. NAH!

LISTEN, I AM SO [BLEEP] PROUD...

OF ALL YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT

BULL[BLEEP]

>> Trent: WHOA. NOT COOL, BRAH.

>> Piper: GUESS WHO I JUST RAN

INTO?

ALPHONSE.

>> Sam: WAIT. DID YOU JUST SAY

ALPHONSE?

IT'S ALPHONSE.

HE'S THE SLEEPER AGENT.

IT'S NOT TRENT.

>> Trent: I KNEW I DIDN'T DO IT.

>> Piper: EDDROID, ACTIVATE.

>> WORKING HARD, STUDYING

HARD -- THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

THAT AND [BLEEP] OFF AND [BLEEP]

A MONKEY.

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

NO -- NOBODY DOES THAT.

I MISREAD.

LOOK, I WENT TO SCHOOL, TOO.

WE ALL GRADUATE.

YOU GOT TO, OTHERWISE YOU

BECOME, LIKE, A PEDOPHILE.

>> ITEM DETECTED -- CHAIR.

>> YEAH, I KNOW WHAT A CHAIR IS!

>> I GUESS NOW YOU GOT TO GET

JOBS SUCKING [BLEEP]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,

[BLEEP] NOSE?

WHAT? LOOK AT THAT NOSE.

IT'S A BIG OLD [BLEEP] IN HIS

FACE.

WHY CAN'T I STOP SAYING [BLEEP]

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Alphonse: AAH!

>> DID SOMEONE CALL 911?

>> I'M JUST SAYING WE'RE IN A

RECESSION.

UH...[BLEEP]

>> Piper: TRENT, I'M SO SORRY

THAT WE THOUGHT IT WAS YOU.

MAJOR MAHALOS, BRAH.

>> Trent: MAHALO MEANS MANY

THINGS, BUT NEVER "I'M SORRY."

* THERE WAS A COCONUT NAMED

STEVE WHO WENT TO HAWAII *

* HE FOUND HIS LOVE, WHICH WAS A

CONCH SHELL *

[ UKULELE STRUMS ]

>> HEY.

YOU HEAR THAT?

OH, SO RELAXING, HUH?

HEY, LISTEN, GUYS, AS YOU

PREPARE TO CROSS THE THRESHOLD

FROM THE SAFETY OF ACADEMIA TO

FACE WHAT WE CALL REAL LIFE...

>> HOLY [BLEEP]

HE'S DOING IT!

>> ...I WANT TO GIVE YOU ONE

PIECE OF ADVICE.

>> THE DANCING IS DISTRACTING

YOUR MIND!

KEEP -- KEEP DANCING!

>> JUST BE THE BEST YOU THAT YOU

CAN BE.

I MEAN, NO ONE'S GONNA BE A

BETTER YOU THAN YOU.

AM I RIGHT?

[ LAUGHS ]

MAHALO!

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> IF YOU COULD MAKE THAT OUT

TO, UM, CASH.

>> [BLEEP] YEAH!

WHOO! I DID IT!

AND I SAID [BLEEP] ON PURPOSE.

I KNEW WHAT I WAS SAYING.

YEAH! YEAH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Kove: OUR THERAPISTS JUST

NEED A FEW MORE DAYS WITH

ALPHONSE, AND THEY SAY THEY'LL

HAVE HIM NURTURED BACK TO

NORMAL.

>> Alphonse: [ SCREAMS ]

>> Kove: HOW ARE YOU DOING,

TRENT?

>> Trent: PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT

MY TENSIONS AND ANXIETIES ARE

BACK AT A FULL-TIME HIGH.

HEY!

GET THAT PIECE OF CRAP OUT OF

HERE AND SELL IT FOR FIREWOOD.

>> Kove: AH.

THERE'S OUR CYBORG.

>> DID SOMEONE CALL 911?

>> Kove: YOU'VE PERFORMED

ADMIRABLY, EDDROID.

YOU'VE EARNED A COMFORTABLE

RETIREMENT.

>> Daisy: WE'LL BE REPROGRAMMING

YOU TO BE A SEX ROBOT FOR THE

BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN SERVING IN

THE NAVY.

>> WHAT? NO!

>> Daisy: FORTUNATELY YOU DON'T

HAVE FEELINGS.

>> Kove: WHICH WILL MAKE YOU A

GLORIOUS PROSTITUTE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NO!

MUST ESCAPE!

[ BEEP ]

PLEASE...JUST KILL ME.

KILL ME.

[ CHOKES ]

[ LAUGHTER ]