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>> OH, YOU HAVE AN EYELASH.
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>> OH.
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MAKE A WISH.
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[ LAUGHS ]
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>> [ BLOWS ]
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>> [ LAUGHS ]
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>> I WISHED I'D MAYBE SEE YOU
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AGAIN.
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>> REALLY?
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>> YEAH.
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>> HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?
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YOU WANT TO STAY FOR A DRINK?
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>> I CAN'T, ACTUALLY.
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GOT AN ULTIMATE FRISBEE
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TOURNAMENT IN THE MORNING.
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>> OH.
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>> LATER, SKATER.
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>> [ LAUGHS ]
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THAT'S MIXED SIGNALS.
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[ LAUGHS ]
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BUT I THINK HE MIGHT BE THE ONE.
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[ SIGHS ]
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THE MAN I'VE DREAMED ABOUT ALL
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MY LIFE.
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CHILDREN AND -- OHH!
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AAH!
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AAH!
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>> TIME TO DIE!
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>> AAH!
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BUT, DAVID...
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[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]
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I THOUGHT WE HAD A GREAT TIME.
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>> WELL, NOW I'M GONNA HAVE A
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BETTER TIME CUTTING OFF YOUR
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FACE.
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>> AAH!
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[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
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[ RINGING ]
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>> 911 -- WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?
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>> I -- YOU GOT TO HELP ME!
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I'M BEING MURDERED!
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>> WHOA!
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I'VE GOT TO HELP YOU?
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LADY, I DON'T GOT TO DO
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ANYTHING.
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YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.
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[ CLICK, DIAL TONE ]
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[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
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>> AAH!
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>> TIME FOR YOU TO DIE!
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>> NOOOOOOOOOO!
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>> Trent: HOME INVASION.
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IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE, AND IT
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WILL HAPPEN TO SOMEONE --
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SPECIFICALLY, YOU.
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AS A MATTER OF FACT, BY THE
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TIME I FINISH THIS SENTENCE, 15
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SAN DIEGANS WILL HAVE BEEN
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BRUTALLY KILLED IN A
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HOME-INVASION ROBBERY.
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BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO, BESIDES
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WAIT FOR YOUR INEVITABLE,
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EXECUTION-STYLE MURDER IN FRONT
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OF YOUR TIED-UP FAMILY?
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ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
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UNTIL NOW.
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>> INTRODUCING THE REVOLUTIONARY
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NEW NTSF:SD:SUV::HISS: -- THE
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HOME In-SAFE-sion SYSTEM.
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INTRUDERS WILL TAKE ONE LOOK AT
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THE SECURITY SYSTEM SIGN ON YOUR
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FRONT LAWN AND IMMEDIATELY TURN
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AND RUN, AT WHICH POINT THEY'LL
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BE SHOT...
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DEAD.
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THE In-SAFE-sion SYSTEM FEATURES
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A STATE-OF-THE-ART SECURITY
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KEYPAD AND MATCHING
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BOOBY-TRAPPED DUMMY KEYPAD.
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[ ELECTRICITY ZAPS ]
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THE SYSTEM ALSO FEATURES
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SUBURBAN MOATS OF DEADLY TOXIC
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WASTE, AN ULTRA-HIGH-TECH
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STAIRWAY DEFENSE, PLUS A
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SCORCHED-EARTH WEAPON OF LAST
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RESORT DESIGNED TO VAPORIZE ALL
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YOUR BELONGINGS IF THEY EVER
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FALL INTO THE WRONG HANDS.
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>> Alphonse: MOST "NORMAL"
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SECURITY SYSTEMS JUST CALL 911
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AND EXPECT THEM TO PROVIDE
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PROTECTION AND SAFETY.
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BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT A 2011
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STUDY FOUND THAT 98% OF ALL 911
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OPERATORS ARE DRUNK OR STONED
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DURING THEIR SHIFT?
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AND THE REMAINING 2%?
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WELL, THEY'RE MASTURBATING.
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WE'RE IN THE HOME OF THE HOLCOMB
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FAMILY.
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THEY'RE A TYPICAL SAN DIEGO
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FAMILY IN EVERY WAY, EXCEPT THEY
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DON'T SWING.
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>> WE CHOSE THE
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NTSF:SD:SUV::HISS: SYSTEM
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BECAUSE MOST OF OUR FRIENDS...
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>> AND THEIR CHILDREN...
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>> [ Laughing ] RIGHT.
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...HAVE BEEN BRUTALLY MURDERED
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IN HOME-INVASION ROBBERIES.
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>> AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE
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SAVAGELY MURDERED IN MY OWN
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HOME.
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I'M TOO BUSY BEING A WORKING
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MOM.
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>> Alphonse: BUT WHAT REALLY
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SETS OUR SECURITY SYSTEM APART
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IS OUR CUSTOMER SERVICE.
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WHEN YOU PURCHASE AN
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NTSF:SD:SUV:: HOME In-SAFE-sion
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SYSTEM, YOU'LL GET A PRIVATE
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CONSULTATION WITH A TEAM MEMBER
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LIKE THIS.
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>> Piper: SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?
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>> I'M A PHARMACIST.
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>> Piper: MM, OH, YEAH.
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THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
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[ LAUGHS ]
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>> COULD YOU EXPLAIN THE
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DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE REGULAR
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AND THE ULTRA RAZOR CYCLONE?
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>> Piper: COULD YOU SHUT UP FOR
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TWO SECONDS 'CAUSE I'M SPEAKING
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WITH SOMEONE?
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THANK YOU.
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>> I'm sorry.
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>> Piper: THANK YOU.
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SO, MR. HOLCOMB, IS THERE A
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MRS. HOLCOMB OR...?
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>> UH, YES.
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THAT'S MY WIFE.
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>> Piper: DOESN'T MATTER.
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THIS SECURITY SYSTEM WILL KEEP
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YOU SAFE FROM EVERY THREAT
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IMAGINABLE EXCEPT FOR
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POLTERGEISTS.
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[ THUNDER CRASHES ]
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THERE IS NO SYSTEM ON EARTH...
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[ Voice distorting ] THAT CAN
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KEEP YOU SAFE FROM POLTERGEISTS.
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[ Normal voice ] YOU'RE VERY --
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YOU'RE SITTING VERY CLOSE TO ME.
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>> I'M SO SORRY.
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>> Trent: DID YOU KNOW THAT 85%
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OF BURGLARIES TAKE PLACE AT
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NIGHT AND START OUTSIDE THE
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HOME?
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THAT'S WHY EVERY
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NTSF:SD:SUV::HISS: SYSTEM
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ASSIGNS ONE OF OUR SPECIALLY
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TRAINED NTSF In-SAFE-sion
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SURVEILLANCE OPERATIVES TO
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MONITOR YOUR RESIDENCE 24 HOURS
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A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.
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NO EXIT MEANS THAT YOUR SAFETY
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IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN OUR
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EMPLOYEES' WELL-BEING.
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>> Sam: HUH?
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UMM...
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>> Trent: THAT'S WHY WE'LL WORK
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THEM LIKE THEY'RE IN AN
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INDONESIAN SWEATSHOP.
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>> Sam: THAT'S GOT TO BE AGAINST
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SOME LAW.
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THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
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ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THERE'S NO
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HANDLES ON THE INSIDE OF THESE
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DOORS.
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YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, GUYS!
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>> Jessie: FOR A LIMITED TIME
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ONLY, WE ARE OFFERING
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REFRIGERATOR LOCKDOWN.
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[ DING! ]
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REFRIGERATOR LOCKDOWN WILL
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SECURE YOUR FOOD.
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IF AN UNAUTHORIZED INTRUDER
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ATTEMPTS TO OPEN YOUR FRIDGE,
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REFRIGERATOR LOCKDOWN EXPELS A
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LETHAL, CYANIDE-FILLED DART.
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BUT THERE'S MORE!
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SIMPLY PLACE THAT CRIMINAL'S
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CORPSE IN THE ADJACENT
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REFRIGERATOR LOCKDOWN DISPOSAL
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UNIT, WHICH WILL LIQUIFY HIS
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TISSUES AND GRIND DOWN HIS
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BONES...
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[ RUMBLING ]
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...AND THEN PACKAGE THEM.
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[ DING! ]
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THAT'S RIGHT!
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YOUR FOOD THIEF'S BODY WILL BE
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MADE INTO FOOD ITSELF!
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THE CIRCLE OF LIFE!
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IT'S JUST THAT EASY.
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>> THE NTSF:SD:SUV:: SECURITY
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SYSTEM PROTECTS THE MEMBERS OF
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YOUR FAMILY THAT CAN'T PROTECT
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THEMSELVES.
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>> GOOD NIGHT, SWEETIE.
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[ SMOOCHES ]
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YOU FEEL COLD AND PLASTICY.
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NOT AGAIN!
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[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
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>> Alphonse: CHILD ABDUCTORS.
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THEY CAN SWOOP INTO YOUR HOUSE
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AS SILENTLY AS A LEAF BLOWER IN
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FRONT OF A DEAF PERSON.
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BUT NOW YOU CAN GET THEM TO
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SAY...
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[ As Schwarzenegger ] I WON'T BE
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BACK!
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[ Normal voice ] ARNOLD
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SCHWARZENEGGER.
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KIDS' TOYS, BLANKIES, AND
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PICTURE BOOKS CAN ALL BE USED AS
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DEADLY WEAPONS AND KIDNAPPING
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TOOLS, WHICH IS WHY WE'VE
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INSTALLED BOLTED-DOWN BEDPOSTS
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AND CHILD DOOR LOCKS THAT ONLY
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RESPOND TO A PARENT'S
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THUMBPRINT.
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PLUS, STEEL ALLOY SECURITY BARS
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ON THESE WINDOWS THAT CAN'T BE
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PRIED OFF, NOT EVEN BY
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FIREFIGHTERS.
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AND BEST OF ALL, YOU GET A
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STATE-OF-THE-ART SURVEILLANCE
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SYSTEM THAT KEEPS YOU SAFE
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DURING THE DANGEROUS NIGHT
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HOURS.
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LET'S SEE IT IN ACTION.
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>> [ CHUCKLES ]
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CHILD SAFE!
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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CHILD SAFE!
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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CHILD SAFE!
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[ ELECTRICITY HUMS ]
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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CHILD SAFE!
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>> [ GASPS ]
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I DON'T LIKE THIS.
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>> [ CHUCKLES ]
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CHILD SAFE!
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>> Trent: I GUARANTEE YOU, YOU
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CANNOT FIND A BETTER DEAL THAN
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THIS.
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THE NTSF:SD:SUV::HISS: PROTECTS
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YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AGAINST
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EVERY THREAT.
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>> Piper: EXCEPT POLTERGEISTS.
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AGAIN, YOU ARE 100% UNPROTECTED
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AGAINST POLTERGEISTS, AND WE
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REALLY CANNOT STRESS THAT
266
00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:04,561
ENOUGH.
267
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:05,828
>> WOULD YOU MIND NOT PUBLICLY
268
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:06,786
GROPING MY HUSBAND?
269
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:08,004
>> Piper: WOULD YOU MIND NOT
270
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:09,795
BEING SUCH A CONTROLLING BITCH?
271
00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:12,798
>> Sam: GUYS, WE COULD HAVE LEFT
272
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,170
THE ENGINE ON, COULDN'T WE, SO I
273
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,297
COULD GET A LITTLE A.C.?
274
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:16,302
[ COMPUTER BEEPING ]
275
00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:16,803
HUH?
276
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:18,244
>> Trent: BECAUSE HOME IS WHERE
277
00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:19,068
THE HEART IS.
278
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,672
AND CRIMINALS LOVE NOTHING MORE
279
00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:22,178
THAN STEALING HEARTS TO SELL ON
280
00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:23,135
THE BLACK MARKET.
281
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:24,713
EXCEPT FOR STEALING CAUCASIAN
282
00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:26,112
BOYS' LIVERS, WHICH ARE HIGHLY
283
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:27,676
SOUGHT AFTER IN PAKISTAN AS A
284
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:28,721
CURE FOR IMPOTENCE.
285
00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:30,176
ORDER NOW AND MAKE SURE THAT YOU
286
00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:30,853
RECEIVE --
287
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,551
[ SIRENS WAILING ]
288
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:33,590
[ GUN COCKS ]
289
00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:34,817
FREEZE, YOU TERRORIST SCUM!
290
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:35,822
>> CRAP! WE SURRENDER!
291
00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:36,593
[ GUNSHOT ]
292
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:37,260
>> [ GROANS ]
293
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:37,827
>> NO!
294
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:38,885
>> CHILD IS UNSAFE!
295
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,662
>> Alphonse: SAY GOODBYE TO THAT
296
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:40,991
FACE.
297
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:43,034
>> Piper: GET DOWN!
298
00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:47,740
[ GUNFIRE ]
299
00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:49,165
>> [ WHIMPERING ]
300
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:51,339
>> ICE PATCH ON BACK STAIRS
301
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:53,038
ENGAGED!
302
00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:57,209
>> Sam: AW, COME ON, GUYS!
303
00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:58,180
[ MUFFLED GUNFIRE ]
304
00:07:58,178 --> 00:07:59,778
THIS IS THE THIRD SHOOTOUT I'VE
305
00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:00,680
MISSED THIS WEEK.
306
00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:01,281
[ EXPLOSION ]
307
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:02,721
JUST OPEN THE DOOR, PLEASE.
308
00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:03,776
[ GUNFIRE CONTINUES ]
309
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,924
[ Muffled ] JUST OPEN THE DOOR.
310
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:07,960
[ GUNFIRE STOPS ]
311
00:08:07,955 --> 00:08:08,885
>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE THIS
312
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:09,959
LATE-NIGHT ADVERTISEMENT BECAME
313
00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:12,157
A LATE-NIGHT ADVER-DIES-MENT.
314
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:13,756
>> THAT'S IT.
315
00:08:13,761 --> 00:08:15,901
WE'RE LEAVING.
316
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:17,196
>> YOU MANIACS CAN KEEP THE
317
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:17,797
HOUSE!
318
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:19,028
IT'S FULL OF POLTERGEISTS
319
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:21,272
ANYWAYS!
320
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:22,368
>> Piper: HE'LL BE BACK.
321
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:23,239
>> Alphonse: HEY,
322
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:26,866
SCHWARZENEGGER, THAT'S MY LINE!
323
00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:28,780
>> Sam: GUYS, I'M RUNNING OUT OF
324
00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:32,376
WATER...AND AIR...IN HERE.
325
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:33,609
SO, IF YOU GUYS COULD JUST OPEN
326
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:37,724
THE DOOR...FOR ONE SECOND.
327
00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:39,718
I CAN'T...BREATHE.
328
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:40,690
[ THUNK ]
329
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,324
>> CALL NOW FOR A FREE
330
00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:43,922
CONSULTATION ABOUT THE
331
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:47,234
NTSF:SD:SUV::HISS:.
332
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:49,327
OPERATORS ARE STANDING.
333
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:50,959
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
334
00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:53,104
THE NTSF:SD:SUV:: SCANNER APP
335
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,400
GIVES YOU THE POWER TO SCAN YOUR
336
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:57,772
FRIENDS AND IMMEDIATELY SEE IF
337
00:08:57,771 --> 00:09:00,011
THEY ARE A WANTED FREEDOM-HATER
338
00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:02,677
OR A TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOT.
339
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:04,136
REPORT YOUR FINDINGS TO
340
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,807
FACEBOOK, TWITTER, AND
341
00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:06,753
INSTAGRAM.
342
00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:07,847
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
343
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,678
YOU CAN ALSO BECOME PART OF THE
344
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OFFICIAL NTSF TEAM BY TAKING A
345
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PICTURE OF YOURSELF AND SCANNING
346
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IT IN TO OUR AGENT DATABASE.
347
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:18,333
THE BEST PART IS THIS APP IS
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00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:21,695
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349
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350
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351
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353
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,644
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]
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