Original subtitles

>> OH, YOU HAVE AN EYELASH.

>> OH.

MAKE A WISH.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> [ BLOWS ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> I WISHED I'D MAYBE SEE YOU

AGAIN.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH.

>> HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?

YOU WANT TO STAY FOR A DRINK?

>> I CAN'T, ACTUALLY.

GOT AN ULTIMATE FRISBEE

TOURNAMENT IN THE MORNING.

>> OH.

>> LATER, SKATER.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S MIXED SIGNALS.

[ LAUGHS ]

BUT I THINK HE MIGHT BE THE ONE.

[ SIGHS ]

THE MAN I'VE DREAMED ABOUT ALL

MY LIFE.

CHILDREN AND -- OHH!

AAH!

AAH!

>> TIME TO DIE!

>> AAH!

BUT, DAVID...

[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]

I THOUGHT WE HAD A GREAT TIME.

>> WELL, NOW I'M GONNA HAVE A

BETTER TIME CUTTING OFF YOUR

FACE.

>> AAH!

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

[ RINGING ]

>> 911 -- WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?

>> I -- YOU GOT TO HELP ME!

I'M BEING MURDERED!

>> WHOA!

I'VE GOT TO HELP YOU?

LADY, I DON'T GOT TO DO

ANYTHING.

YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

[ CLICK, DIAL TONE ]

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

>> AAH!

>> TIME FOR YOU TO DIE!

>> NOOOOOOOOOO!

>> Trent: HOME INVASION.

IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE, AND IT

WILL HAPPEN TO SOMEONE --

SPECIFICALLY, YOU.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, BY THE

TIME I FINISH THIS SENTENCE, 15

SAN DIEGANS WILL HAVE BEEN

BRUTALLY KILLED IN A

HOME-INVASION ROBBERY.

BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO, BESIDES

WAIT FOR YOUR INEVITABLE,

EXECUTION-STYLE MURDER IN FRONT

OF YOUR TIED-UP FAMILY?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

UNTIL NOW.

>> INTRODUCING THE REVOLUTIONARY

NEW NTSF:SD:SUV::HISS: -- THE

HOME In-SAFE-sion SYSTEM.

INTRUDERS WILL TAKE ONE LOOK AT

THE SECURITY SYSTEM SIGN ON YOUR

FRONT LAWN AND IMMEDIATELY TURN

AND RUN, AT WHICH POINT THEY'LL

BE SHOT...

DEAD.

THE In-SAFE-sion SYSTEM FEATURES

A STATE-OF-THE-ART SECURITY

KEYPAD AND MATCHING

BOOBY-TRAPPED DUMMY KEYPAD.

[ ELECTRICITY ZAPS ]

THE SYSTEM ALSO FEATURES

SUBURBAN MOATS OF DEADLY TOXIC

WASTE, AN ULTRA-HIGH-TECH

STAIRWAY DEFENSE, PLUS A

SCORCHED-EARTH WEAPON OF LAST

RESORT DESIGNED TO VAPORIZE ALL

YOUR BELONGINGS IF THEY EVER

FALL INTO THE WRONG HANDS.

>> Alphonse: MOST "NORMAL"

SECURITY SYSTEMS JUST CALL 911

AND EXPECT THEM TO PROVIDE

PROTECTION AND SAFETY.

BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT A 2011

STUDY FOUND THAT 98% OF ALL 911

OPERATORS ARE DRUNK OR STONED

DURING THEIR SHIFT?

AND THE REMAINING 2%?

WELL, THEY'RE MASTURBATING.

WE'RE IN THE HOME OF THE HOLCOMB

FAMILY.

THEY'RE A TYPICAL SAN DIEGO

FAMILY IN EVERY WAY, EXCEPT THEY

DON'T SWING.

>> WE CHOSE THE

NTSF:SD:SUV::HISS: SYSTEM

BECAUSE MOST OF OUR FRIENDS...

>> AND THEIR CHILDREN...

>> [ Laughing ] RIGHT.

...HAVE BEEN BRUTALLY MURDERED

IN HOME-INVASION ROBBERIES.

>> AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE

SAVAGELY MURDERED IN MY OWN

HOME.

I'M TOO BUSY BEING A WORKING

MOM.

>> Alphonse: BUT WHAT REALLY

SETS OUR SECURITY SYSTEM APART

IS OUR CUSTOMER SERVICE.

WHEN YOU PURCHASE AN

NTSF:SD:SUV:: HOME In-SAFE-sion

SYSTEM, YOU'LL GET A PRIVATE

CONSULTATION WITH A TEAM MEMBER

LIKE THIS.

>> Piper: SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?

>> I'M A PHARMACIST.

>> Piper: MM, OH, YEAH.

THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> COULD YOU EXPLAIN THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE REGULAR

AND THE ULTRA RAZOR CYCLONE?

>> Piper: COULD YOU SHUT UP FOR

TWO SECONDS 'CAUSE I'M SPEAKING

WITH SOMEONE?

THANK YOU.

>> I'm sorry.

>> Piper: THANK YOU.

SO, MR. HOLCOMB, IS THERE A

MRS. HOLCOMB OR...?

>> UH, YES.

THAT'S MY WIFE.

>> Piper: DOESN'T MATTER.

THIS SECURITY SYSTEM WILL KEEP

YOU SAFE FROM EVERY THREAT

IMAGINABLE EXCEPT FOR

POLTERGEISTS.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

THERE IS NO SYSTEM ON EARTH...

[ Voice distorting ] THAT CAN

KEEP YOU SAFE FROM POLTERGEISTS.

[ Normal voice ] YOU'RE VERY --

YOU'RE SITTING VERY CLOSE TO ME.

>> I'M SO SORRY.

>> Trent: DID YOU KNOW THAT 85%

OF BURGLARIES TAKE PLACE AT

NIGHT AND START OUTSIDE THE

HOME?

THAT'S WHY EVERY

NTSF:SD:SUV::HISS: SYSTEM

ASSIGNS ONE OF OUR SPECIALLY

TRAINED NTSF In-SAFE-sion

SURVEILLANCE OPERATIVES TO

MONITOR YOUR RESIDENCE 24 HOURS

A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.

NO EXIT MEANS THAT YOUR SAFETY

IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN OUR

EMPLOYEES' WELL-BEING.

>> Sam: HUH?

UMM...

>> Trent: THAT'S WHY WE'LL WORK

THEM LIKE THEY'RE IN AN

INDONESIAN SWEATSHOP.

>> Sam: THAT'S GOT TO BE AGAINST

SOME LAW.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THERE'S NO

HANDLES ON THE INSIDE OF THESE

DOORS.

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, GUYS!

>> Jessie: FOR A LIMITED TIME

ONLY, WE ARE OFFERING

REFRIGERATOR LOCKDOWN.

[ DING! ]

REFRIGERATOR LOCKDOWN WILL

SECURE YOUR FOOD.

IF AN UNAUTHORIZED INTRUDER

ATTEMPTS TO OPEN YOUR FRIDGE,

REFRIGERATOR LOCKDOWN EXPELS A

LETHAL, CYANIDE-FILLED DART.

BUT THERE'S MORE!

SIMPLY PLACE THAT CRIMINAL'S

CORPSE IN THE ADJACENT

REFRIGERATOR LOCKDOWN DISPOSAL

UNIT, WHICH WILL LIQUIFY HIS

TISSUES AND GRIND DOWN HIS

BONES...

[ RUMBLING ]

...AND THEN PACKAGE THEM.

[ DING! ]

THAT'S RIGHT!

YOUR FOOD THIEF'S BODY WILL BE

MADE INTO FOOD ITSELF!

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE!

IT'S JUST THAT EASY.

>> THE NTSF:SD:SUV:: SECURITY

SYSTEM PROTECTS THE MEMBERS OF

YOUR FAMILY THAT CAN'T PROTECT

THEMSELVES.

>> GOOD NIGHT, SWEETIE.

[ SMOOCHES ]

YOU FEEL COLD AND PLASTICY.

NOT AGAIN!

[ TIRES SQUEAL ]

>> Alphonse: CHILD ABDUCTORS.

THEY CAN SWOOP INTO YOUR HOUSE

AS SILENTLY AS A LEAF BLOWER IN

FRONT OF A DEAF PERSON.

BUT NOW YOU CAN GET THEM TO

SAY...

[ As Schwarzenegger ] I WON'T BE

BACK!

[ Normal voice ] ARNOLD

SCHWARZENEGGER.

KIDS' TOYS, BLANKIES, AND

PICTURE BOOKS CAN ALL BE USED AS

DEADLY WEAPONS AND KIDNAPPING

TOOLS, WHICH IS WHY WE'VE

INSTALLED BOLTED-DOWN BEDPOSTS

AND CHILD DOOR LOCKS THAT ONLY

RESPOND TO A PARENT'S

THUMBPRINT.

PLUS, STEEL ALLOY SECURITY BARS

ON THESE WINDOWS THAT CAN'T BE

PRIED OFF, NOT EVEN BY

FIREFIGHTERS.

AND BEST OF ALL, YOU GET A

STATE-OF-THE-ART SURVEILLANCE

SYSTEM THAT KEEPS YOU SAFE

DURING THE DANGEROUS NIGHT

HOURS.

LET'S SEE IT IN ACTION.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

CHILD SAFE!

[ CHUCKLES ]

CHILD SAFE!

[ CHUCKLES ]

CHILD SAFE!

[ ELECTRICITY HUMS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

CHILD SAFE!

>> [ GASPS ]

I DON'T LIKE THIS.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

CHILD SAFE!

>> Trent: I GUARANTEE YOU, YOU

CANNOT FIND A BETTER DEAL THAN

THIS.

THE NTSF:SD:SUV::HISS: PROTECTS

YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AGAINST

EVERY THREAT.

>> Piper: EXCEPT POLTERGEISTS.

AGAIN, YOU ARE 100% UNPROTECTED

AGAINST POLTERGEISTS, AND WE

REALLY CANNOT STRESS THAT

ENOUGH.

>> WOULD YOU MIND NOT PUBLICLY

GROPING MY HUSBAND?

>> Piper: WOULD YOU MIND NOT

BEING SUCH A CONTROLLING BITCH?

>> Sam: GUYS, WE COULD HAVE LEFT

THE ENGINE ON, COULDN'T WE, SO I

COULD GET A LITTLE A.C.?

[ COMPUTER BEEPING ]

HUH?

>> Trent: BECAUSE HOME IS WHERE

THE HEART IS.

AND CRIMINALS LOVE NOTHING MORE

THAN STEALING HEARTS TO SELL ON

THE BLACK MARKET.

EXCEPT FOR STEALING CAUCASIAN

BOYS' LIVERS, WHICH ARE HIGHLY

SOUGHT AFTER IN PAKISTAN AS A

CURE FOR IMPOTENCE.

ORDER NOW AND MAKE SURE THAT YOU

RECEIVE --

[ SIRENS WAILING ]

[ GUN COCKS ]

FREEZE, YOU TERRORIST SCUM!

>> CRAP! WE SURRENDER!

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> [ GROANS ]

>> NO!

>> CHILD IS UNSAFE!

>> Alphonse: SAY GOODBYE TO THAT

FACE.

>> Piper: GET DOWN!

[ GUNFIRE ]

>> [ WHIMPERING ]

>> ICE PATCH ON BACK STAIRS

ENGAGED!

>> Sam: AW, COME ON, GUYS!

[ MUFFLED GUNFIRE ]

THIS IS THE THIRD SHOOTOUT I'VE

MISSED THIS WEEK.

[ EXPLOSION ]

JUST OPEN THE DOOR, PLEASE.

[ GUNFIRE CONTINUES ]

[ Muffled ] JUST OPEN THE DOOR.

[ GUNFIRE STOPS ]

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE THIS

LATE-NIGHT ADVERTISEMENT BECAME

A LATE-NIGHT ADVER-DIES-MENT.

>> THAT'S IT.

WE'RE LEAVING.

>> YOU MANIACS CAN KEEP THE

HOUSE!

IT'S FULL OF POLTERGEISTS

ANYWAYS!

>> Piper: HE'LL BE BACK.

>> Alphonse: HEY,

SCHWARZENEGGER, THAT'S MY LINE!

>> Sam: GUYS, I'M RUNNING OUT OF

WATER...AND AIR...IN HERE.

SO, IF YOU GUYS COULD JUST OPEN

THE DOOR...FOR ONE SECOND.

I CAN'T...BREATHE.

[ THUNK ]

>> CALL NOW FOR A FREE

CONSULTATION ABOUT THE

NTSF:SD:SUV::HISS:.

OPERATORS ARE STANDING.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.

THE NTSF:SD:SUV:: SCANNER APP

GIVES YOU THE POWER TO SCAN YOUR

FRIENDS AND IMMEDIATELY SEE IF

THEY ARE A WANTED FREEDOM-HATER

OR A TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOT.

REPORT YOUR FINDINGS TO

FACEBOOK, TWITTER, AND

INSTAGRAM.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.

YOU CAN ALSO BECOME PART OF THE

OFFICIAL NTSF TEAM BY TAKING A

PICTURE OF YOURSELF AND SCANNING

IT IN TO OUR AGENT DATABASE.

THE BEST PART IS THIS APP IS

100% FREE, JUST LIKE AMERICA'S

FREEDOM, AND IT CAN BE FOUND IN

THE iTUNES STORE UNDER

"NTSF:SD:SUV:: SCANNER."

DOWNLOAD IT TODAY.

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]