Original subtitles

>> Alphonse: * THE FIRST KILL'S

BY CANDY CANE *

>> [ SCREAMS ]

>> HO, HO, HO.

>> Kove: [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

>> Piper: GET THE --

>> Alphonse: IT'S TRUE!

>> Piper: YOU CAN SING.

>> Kove: WE NEED TO STICK

TOGETHER.

[ DRILL WHIRRING ]

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> Piper: WHOA!

>> HO, HO, HO.

>> Piper: [ WHIMPERS ]

>> Alphonse: SANTA!

>> Sam: S.A.M.'S ONBOARD CAMERA

IS OPERATIONAL.

>> Kove: WONDERFUL.

I WANT TO DOCUMENT EVERY SECOND

OF THIS GLORIOUS NTSF CHRISTMAS!

>> Jessie: AND I'M GONNA TAPE

EVERYTHING FOR MY HOLIDAY VLOG,

TOO!

>> Kove: OH, GREAT!

BETWEEN JESSIE, S.A.M., AND MY

HIDDEN HOME-SECURITY CAMS, I CAN

FULLY COVER MY NTSF CHRISTMAS

VIDEO FROM EVERY CONCEIVABLE

ANGLE.

>> Sam: WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY

HIDDEN CAMERAS EVERYWHERE?

>> Kove: I LIKE TO MAKE

LOVEMAKING VIDEOTAPES, AND I CAN

NEVER BE QUITE SURE WHEN OR

WHERE ONE MIGHT BREAK OUT.

>> Jessie: WITH ALL THIS EXTRA

FOOTAGE, YOU COULD CUT TOGETHER

A FULL-LENGTH FEATURE FILM, IF

YOU WANTED TO.

>> Kove: AN ENTIRE MOVIE MADE OF

FOUND FOOTAGE?

SOUNDS LIKE A GIMMICK TO ME.

WELL, NOW THAT THAT'S BEEN

ESTABLISHED, LET'S DECORATE THE

TREE.

JESSIE, I'M PUTTING YOU IN

CHARGE OF THE TINSEL.

THAT SEEMS LIKE IT'S UP YOUR

ALLEY.

AND, PIPER, YOU'RE A WOMAN, SO

YOU GET THE ORNAMENTS.

>> Piper: NO, DOLLS.

NO, NO.

DOLLS REALLY FREAK ME OUT.

I CAN'T. NO.

>> Jessie: WHAT, THIS LITTLE

DOLL, PIPER?

THIS LITTLE DOLL CAN'T HURT YOU.

OR CAN IT?

>> Piper: GET THE [BLEEP] AWAY

FROM ME!

>> Kove: NOW, I KNOW IT'S NOT

QUITE CHRISTMAS YET, BUT I CAN'T

HELP MYSELF.

LET'S OPEN UP PRESENTS EARLY.

>> Alphonse: WHOA, WAIT!

IT'S BAD LUCK TO OPEN UP

PRESENTS EARLY ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

>> Kove: THAT'S ABSOLUTE

NONSENSE.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT?

>> Alphonse: BACK IN ALASKA,

WHERE SANTA HUNTS DOWN AND

PUNISHES THOSE THAT DON'T OBEY

HIS RULES.

>> Sam: GIVE YOUR ALASKAN VOODOO

MYSTICISM A REST.

>> Alphonse: DID YOU KNOW THAT

SANTA'S SUIT STARTS OFF WHITE?

BUT IT'S STAINED WITH THE BLOOD

OF HIS VICTIMS.

HIS SLEIGH IS PUT TOGETHER WITH

THE BONES OF THOSE THAT HAVE

DEFIED HIM.

HIS REINDEER ARE NORMAL DEER,

BUT THEY BREATHE FIRE AND SPIT

ACID!

>> Jessie: WHAT'S IN HIS BAG OF

TOYS?

>> Alphonse: JUST TOYS, BUT WITH

PIECES SMALL ENOUGH TO CHOKE

YOU.

>> Sam: YOU GUYS ARE RIDICULOUS.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS

SANTA CLAUS, GOOD OR EVIL.

YOU'RE STARTING TO MAKE ME VERY

PROUD TO BE JEWISH.

[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]

>> Alphonse: THAT'S HIM!

>> Trent: HO, HO, HEY,

EVERYBODY.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S HAVING A...

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

>> Kove: NOT A PUN, BUT THE

SENTIMENT IS APPRECIATED

NONETHELESS.

PRESENTS GO OVER THERE, AND YOU

KNOW MY CHRISTMAS RULES --

PHONES AND GUNS IN THE HOLIDAY

SACK.

>> Jessie: PIPER, WHERE'S YOUR

FIANCé, TUCKER?

>> Piper: OH, HE HATES CHRISTMAS

PARTIES, AND HE'D RATHER STAY AT

HOME AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES BY

HIMSELF.

>> COME ON. COME ON.

COME ON! COME ON! COME ON!

[ GRUNTS ]

>> Kove: WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,

ONE FOR YOU, ONE FOR YOU, ONE

FOR YOU.

>> Trent: GREAT BOW.

>> Kove: AND, SAM, IN

SENSITIVITY TO YOUR JEWISH

FAITH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET

ONE.

YOU CAN JUST STAND THERE AND

WATCH EVERYBODY ELSE HAVING A

GOOD TIME.

LET'S OPEN 'EM UP, CHRISTIANS!

>> Jessie: A FLIP CAMERA!

NOW I'VE GOT DOUBLE THE COVERAGE

FOR MY VLOG!

>> Kove: ALPHONSE, PLUG IN THE

CHRISTMAS ANGEL, AND, EVERYBODY

ELSE, VIDEOTAPE IT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

>> Alphonse: SANTA!

>> Sam: YOU BLEW A FUSE FROM ALL

THESE GAUDY CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.

>> Kove: JESSIE, YOU'RE THE

LEAST FUN.

GO OUT BACK AND CHECK THE FUSE

BOX.

>> Jessie: OKAY.

I'LL LEAVE MY CAMERAS HERE AND

MY TINSEL.

>> Sam: SO, SAM, IF YOU DON'T

BELIEVE THAT CHRISTMAS WAS

JESUS' BIRTHDAY, WHEN DO YOU

THINK HE WAS BORN?

>> Sam: WELL...

>> Jessie: IS IT ON, GUYS?

>> All: NO.

>> Sam: UNH-UNH.

>> Jessie: HOW ABOUT NOW?

>> All: NO!

>> Sam: STILL NO.

>> Jessie: HOW ABOUT --

AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

>> Trent: COME ON, JESSIE!

STOP SCREAMING, AND JUST FLIP

FUSES!

>> Piper: TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH.

WHERE'D YOU GO, THE ELECTRICITY

STORE?

[ ALL GASP ]

>> Sam: JESSIE?

>> Trent: CANDY CANE...

AND BLOOD...

CANDY CANE AGAIN.

LOOKS LIKE TONIGHT...

HAS BECOME...

SILENT NIGHT...

AND A DEADLY NIGHT.

NO OTHER REASON FOR IT, RIGHT?

>> Alphonse: IT'S HAPPENING,

JUST AS THE SONG FORETELLS.

>> Piper: WHAT SONG?

>> Alphonse: AN OLD ESKIMO SONG,

"THE 12 KILLS OF CHRISTMAS."

[ High-pitched ] * THE FIRST

KILL'S BY CANDY CANE *

* THE SECOND KILL'S BEHEADING

>> Kove: WHY ARE YOU USING THAT

VOICE?

>> Alphonse: BECAUSE

"THE 12 KILLS OF CHRISTMAS" IS

SUNG BY A CHOIR OF WEEPING

ORPHANS.

>> Trent: SO, HE KILLS EVERY DAY

FOR 12 DAYS?

>> Alphonse: NO, SANTA KILLS

12 PEOPLE EACH TIME SOMEONE

OPENS A PRESENT EARLY.

>> Piper: WELL, THAT'S GREAT.

I MEAN, THERE'S ONLY SIX OF US.

>> Alphonse: NO, HE CAN KILL SIX

OF US.

HE JUST CAN'T KILL MORE THAN 12.

>> Sam: WHAT IF THERE ARE MORE

THAN 12?

>> I'M CONFUSED.

THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

>> Alphonse: WELL, THEN, HE

STOPS.

BASICALLY, THE CUTOFF IS 12

PEOPLE.

HE CAN'T KILL MORE.

>> Sam: CHRISTMAS IS SO

COMPLICATED.

>> Trent: KOVE?

>> Kove: MM?

>> Trent: I THINK RIGHT NOW

WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO GET OUR

CELLPHONES AND GUNS.

>> Kove: GOOD THINKING, TRENT.

OH, MY GOD!

THIS SACK IS FILLED WITH COAL!

>> Alphonse: * SACKS WITH GUNS

AND CELLPHONES WILL BE TURNED

INTO COAL *

>> Piper: ENOUGH, ALPHONSE!

>> Alphonse: IT'S TRUE!

>> Piper: YOU CAN SING.

>> Kove: WE NEED TO STICK

TOGETHER.

JESSIE WAS VULNERABLE BECAUSE

SHE LEFT THE GROUP.

WE HAVE TO WATCH EACH OTHER'S

BACKS!

>> Trent: AGREED.

LET'S SPLIT UP.

ALPHONSE, YOU STAY HERE WITH

YOUR EYES CLOSED, SEE IF YOU CAN

HEAR ANYTHING.

>> Alphonse: I'M NOT WAITING

HERE TO DIE!

I'M GOING TO HIDE!

>> Piper: WHERE?!

>> Alphonse: * SANTA DOESN'T

LOOKS IN CLOSETS *

>> Piper: WHY DON'T WE JUST GET

THE HELL OUT OF HERE?!

>> Kove: HAVE YOU GONE MAD?

SANTA BUTCHERED THE FIRST PERSON

TO STEP OUT THAT DOOR.

OUR ONLY CHANCE IS TO FIGHT HIM

RIGHT HERE ON OUR HOME TURF.

[ CLATTER ]

>> HO, HO, HO!

>> Kove: QUICKLY, TO THE

BASEMENT!

OH!

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

>> Piper: WHAT IS IT?

>> Kove: NO.

IT'S MY PRIZED BOTTLE OF 1978

MONTRACHET.

WHOEVER DID THIS IS GOING TO PAY

DEARLY.

>> Trent: [ SCREAMS ]

>> Piper: IT'S COMING FROM

UPSTAIRS!

>> * THE LAST KILL OF

CHRISTMAS... *

>> Piper: OKAY, WILL SOMEONE

JUST TURN THAT THING OFF?

>> THAT WAS THE HARLEM WEEPING

ORPHAN CHOIR WITH THAT OLD

CHESTNUT, "THE 12 KILLS OF" --

[ RADIO CLICKS OFF ]

>> Kove: NOW, LISTEN, YOU TWO.

THIS IS A TRULY TERRIFYING

SITUATION THAT MOST PROBABLY

WILL END IN DEATH FOR MOST, IF

NOT ALL, OF US.

BUT WE MUST NOT PANIC.

WE NEED TO STICK TOGETHER NO

MATTER WHAT, AND MOST IMPORTANT

OF ALL, DON'T GIVE UP!

THIS IS CHRISTMAS, AND I'LL BE

DAMNED IF I'LL LET SOME

YULETIDE-HATING, MURDEROUS SANTA

STEAL HOPE FROM OUR HEARTS!

OH, YES, WE WILL WEATHER THIS

STORM AND LIVE TO SEE LIGHT OF

ANOTHER DAY, I SWEAR IT.

GOD WILL BLESS US ALL.

EVERYONE EXCEPT SAM.

>> Piper: I THINK I FOUND TRENT,

YOU GUYS.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

>> Kove: I CAN'T TAKE IT

ANYMORE.

>> Sam: KOVE, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?

>> Kove: ENJOY GETTING MURDERED,

LOSERS.

[ GRUNTS ]

>> Sam: HOW'D SHE TIE THAT NOOSE

SO FAST?

>> Piper: [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

>> Sam: THIS CRAP WOULD NEVER

HAPPEN DURING HANUKKAH.

>> Piper: DAMN IT, SAM!

WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST BELIEVE IN

CHRISTMAS?!

>> Sam: I DO BELIEVE IN

CHRISTMAS!

I JUST DON'T BELIEVE THAT JESUS

WAS SOME MAGICAL CREATURE THAT

COULD TURN FISH INTO BEER, OR

WHATEVER YOU GUYS --

>> Piper: HE TURNED FISH INTO

WINE AND BEARS INTO BEER!

>> HO, HO, HO.

>> Sam: OH, MY GOD.

LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

>> Piper: COME ON!

>> Sam: I'M TRYING!

IT WON'T OPEN!

>> Piper: UPSTAIRS!

>> HO, HO, HO.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

YOU OPENED GIFTS.

>> Sam: NO, YOU -- I DIDN'T EVEN

GET A GIFT, SIR.

>> Piper: BACK DOOR!

>> AND HE'S STANDING OUT THERE.

HE'S GOING, "AIYEE! AIYEE!"

[ LAUGHS ]

[ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Piper: [ WHIMPERS ]

OH, NO.

>> Trent: HEY, SANTA!

NEXT TIME YOU GIVE SOMEBODY

HEAD, YOU BETTER FINISH THE JOB.

>> Both: TRENT?

>> Trent: THAT'S RIGHT.

MY HEAD FELL OFF, AND I TIED IT

BACK ON WITH TINSEL.

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> Piper: WHOA!

>> Sam: OH, BAD MISTAKE!

WHOA!

>> Piper: WHOA!

ALL RIGHT, SAM. TO THE GARAGE!

>> Sam: OKAY!

>> Piper: SAM, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?!

>> Sam: PICKING UP THE CAMERA TO

FILM.

WAIT. WHY DON'T WE JUST GO OUT

INTO THE WOODS OR SOMETHING?

>> Piper: STOP ASKING SO MANY

LOGIC-BASED QUESTIONS, SAM!

[ DOOR OPENS ]

>> Sam: OH, MY GOD!

WAIT. WHY DOES SANTA HAVE A FLIP

CAM?

>> A GIFT WAS OPENED BEFORE ITS

TIME.

NOW YOUR BLOOD WILL BE MINE.

>> Sam: PIPER, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

PIPER?

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?

THE IRONIC THING IS THAT SHE WAS

REALLY AFRAID OF DOLLS, AND NOW

SHE IS ONE.

OKAY, THERE'S GOT TO BE A WAY TO

REVERSE THIS PROCESS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH HER.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD.

>> HO, HO, HO.

>> Sam: REALLY?

HOW DID YOU GET HERE SO FAST?

THERE'S NO WAY -- OH, MY GOD.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

>> DREIDEL, DREIDEL, DREIDEL.

[ DRILL WHIRRING ]

I MADE IT OUT OF BRAINS.

>> Sam: IS THAT ANTI-SEMITIC?

IT SOUNDS LIKE IT COULD BE, BUT

I'M NOT QUITE SURE.

>> DO YOU BELIEVE IN ME YET,

SAM?

>> Sam: I BELIEVE, OKAY?!

I BELIEVE!

>> GOOD.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ Chuckling ] OH, GOD!

[ Mockingly ] OH, MY GOD!

I -- DI-DI-DI-DI-DI-DI.

>> Sam: MR. PRESIDENT OF THE

NAVY?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

YOU KILLED EVERYONE!

>> Kove: NO, HE DIDN'T, SAM.

>> Alphonse: THAT WAS A TRICK.

>> Jessie: WE JUST WANTED YOU TO

SELL OUT YOUR OWN BELIEFS AND

BUY INTO OURS.

>> Trent: AND YOU DID.

YOU DID REAL GOOD.

WELCOME TO CLUB CHRISTIAN.

>> Kove: YOU'VE EARNED THIS,

SAM.

>> Sam: [ STAMMERS ]

M-MY FIRST CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

>> Kove: YES.

>> Sam: IT'S JUST ANOTHER FLIP

CAM.

PIPER, HOW DID YOU TURN INTO A

DOLL?

>> Piper: YOGA.

LOTS OF YOGA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I HOPE THIS HAS BEEN A GOOD

LESSON FOR YOU.

I HOPE YOU FINALLY REALIZE THAT

CHRISTMAS IS THE BEST HOLIDAY

AND EVERY OTHER HOLIDAY IS THE

WORST.

SO...

>> All: FROM OUR FAMILY TO

YOURS, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[ "WE WISH YOU A MERRY

CHRISTMAS" PLAYS ]

>> AGE, SEX, LOCATION.

WHERE IS EVERYBODY FROM?

[ GROANS ]