Original subtitles

>> Alphonse: [ LAUGHS ]

SHE WANT TACOS? BUY TACOS.

[ LAUGHS ]

SO HOW LONG YOU IN TOWN?

>> WELL, I'M ACTUALLY WORKING ON

A CASE.

>> Alphonse: OH, YEAH?

>> OH, MY GOD.

LOOK AT THAT GUY PRETENDING TO

TALK TO HIS DOG.

LONELY MUCH?

>> Alphonse: I'M NOT PRETENDING.

I'M FROM ALASKA, AND UP IN

ALASKA, WE ALL HAVE PSYCHIC

LINKS WITH OUR DOGS.

>> WHICH EXPLAINS WHY YOU CAN

HEAR THEM.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Alphonse: [ LAUGHS ]

GOOD ONE, BUSTER.

SO, ABOUT THIS CASE YOU'RE

WORKING ON, ANY DETAILS?

>> WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT

PRIDERICIDE CHEMICALS?

>> Alphonse: PRIDERICIDE?

I KNOW THEY'RE THE FIRST

ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY

CHEMICAL PLANT IN ALASKA, AND

FROM WHAT I READ ON DRUDGE,

THEY'RE DOING GOOD WORK.

>> I THINK THEY'RE UP TO NO

GOOD.

I'M GONNA SNIFF AROUND THEIR

CORPORATE H.Q., SEE WHAT I CAN

DIG UP.

>> Alphonse: MAN, I WISH WE WERE

STILL PARTNERS.

>> YOU COULD ALWAYS COME BACK TO

NSTF:AK:CANOE::.

>> Alphonse: AFTER WHAT I DID TO

MY FATHER?

NO WAY.

>> THAT WAS YEARS AGO, MAN.

>> Alphonse: MAYBE.

LOOK, I GOT TO GO MELT AN IGLOO,

SO ORDER US ANOTHER ROUND.

[ SILENCED GUNSHOT ]

>> [ BARKS ]

[ CROWD GASPS ]

>> Alphonse: NO!

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Kove: THE NEW ZEALAND MAFIA

IS RUNNING CIRCLES AROUND US.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

>> Piper: MAYBE WE COULD JUST

SKIP THIS CASE?

>> Trent: THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

>> Jessie: SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

>> Piper: LET'S JUST NOT DO IT.

>> Trent: MAYBE WE CAN JUST TAKE

A PASS.

>> Kove: AH, YOU'RE LATE.

>> Alphonse: I NEED TO GO ON

LEAVE.

>> Kove: WHAT? WHY?

>> Alphonse: MY PARTNER WAS

MURDERED LAST NIGHT.

>> Piper: OH, MY GOD.

I WAS KILLED?

>> Alphonse: NO, MY OLD PARTNER

IN ALASKA.

I HAVE A FEELING SOMETHING HE

WAS INVESTIGATING PUT HIM IN

DANGER.

>> Kove: PERMISSION DENIED.

I CAN'T HAVE YOU LEAVING ON SOME

PERSONAL VENDETTA.

NO ONE IS LEAVING UNTIL WE SOLVE

THIS CASE.

>> Alphonse: THEN I QUIT.

>> Trent: SO, IF HE QUITS, DOES

THAT MEAN HE DOESN'T HAVE TO

SOLVE THE NEW ZEALAND MAFIA

CASE?

>> Kove: I GUESS SO.

>> Trent: OH.

I QUIT.

>> Piper: ME TOO.

>> Trent: ALPHONSE, HOLD UP.

WE'RE COMING WITH YOU.

>> Sam: WELL, I QUIT TOO, THEN.

>> Kove: NO, SAM.

I'M ORDERING A STOPGAP.

>> Sam: OH, YOU DON'T NEED ME,

THOUGH.

ALL I DO IS THE COMPUTERS.

>> Kove: I KNOW.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE HALF A PERSON.

THAT'S WHY I NEED YOU TO START

INTERVIEWING NEW MEMBERS OF THE

TEAM TO REPLACE THESE OTHERS.

KOVE OUT.

>> WELL, WELL, WELL.

LOOK WHAT THE OTTER DRAGGED IN.

>> Alphonse: NICE TO SEE YOU,

TOO, DAD.

I ONLY CAME HERE TO INVESTIGATE

BUSTER'S MURDER.

I DIDN'T COME FOR FORGIVENESS.

>> GOOD, BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER

GET IT.

YOU BETRAYED ME AND EVERYONE AT

NTSF:AK:CANOE:: WHEN YOU USED

YOUR PORTABLE ELECTRIC TELEPHONE

TO RESCUE ME FROM THAT ICE HOLE.

>> Alphonse: I SAVED YOUR LIFE.

>> YOU KNOW OUR WAYS!

SON, IT WAS MY TIME TO DIE.

MOTHER ALASKA WAS CALLING ME

HOME, AND WHEN YOU BETRAYED

THAT, YOU WERE NO LONGER MY SON.

SO, WHO ARE YOUR FRIENDS?

HAVE YOU GUYS EVER BEEN TO

ALASKA BEFORE?

>> All: NO.

>> RIGHT. COME WITH ME.

WE GOT TO GO GET SOME SALMON

HEADS.

>> Sam: THANK YOU FOR COMING IN

TO MEET WITH US.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

UM, SO YOU'RE A REMEMBERER?

>> YES, I REMEMBER EVERYTHING.

IT'S MY BLESSING AND MY CURSE.

>> Sam: WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A

LOOK AT THESE PHOTOS FROM THE

LAST NEW ZEALAND MAFIA ROBBERY

AND JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU

REMEMBER.

>> [ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

[ INDISTINCT VOICES ]

I REMEMBER...

>> Sam: YEAH?

>> ...YOU GIVING ME THESE

PHOTOS...

>> Sam: YEAH.

>> ...OF A ROBBERY.

>> Sam: YOU SHOULD GO BACK A

LITTLE FURTHER IN TIME, MAYBE.

>> SHH. I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER.

IT HURTS.

>> Alphonse: TIME TO FIND, WHAT

I LIKE TO CALL, CLUES.

OZONE PROJECT?

>> HEY!

THIS IS A RESTRICTED AREA.

>> Alphonse: [ Jamaican accent ]

OH, HEY, MAN.

IT'S ME -- JAMAICAN JIM, AND I'M

FROM THE ISLAND OF JAMAICA.

I'M JUST HERE LOOKING FOR ME

JAMAICAN BOBSLED.

>> OKAY. I BELIEVE YOU.

GOOD LUCK.

>> AND THIS IS DOWNTOWN ALASKA.

EVERYTHING YOU CAN GET IN YOUR

SAN DIEGO STRIP MALLS CAN BE

FOUND HERE, ALSO.

NAME ANYTHING.

>> Jessie: A BOOK.

>> THIS TREE.

THIS TREE IS THE BEST BOOK.

>> Piper: WHAT ABOUT A KOREAN

NAIL SALON?

>> KOREAN NAIL SALON...

BAM, RIGHT THERE.

>> GIRL, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR

THAT.

I'M GETTING MY NAILS DONE.

>> WATCH OUT FOR THE BEAR TRAP.

WE CALL THOSE "ALASKAN

POTHOLES."

>> Jessie: WHAT ARE THEY FOR?

>> TRAPPING BEARS

>> Sam: YOU ARE THE LETTERER.

WHY DO THEY CALL YOU

"THE LETTERER"?

>> LETTERS ARE SYMBOLS.

IN ANCIENT EGYPT TIMES, SEE,

THEY ENCODED EVERYTHING WITH

LETTERS.

>> Sam: YEAH.

>> LIKE, TAKE THIS NEWSPAPER.

THESE LETTERS...THEY SPEAK TO

ME.

[ GASPS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH, HERE.

"NEW ZEALAND MAFIA THREATENS

SAFETY OF SAN DIEGO."

>> Sam: WE SHOULD JUST CALL YOU

"THE READER."

>> UH...HOW ABOUT

"THE READERER."

>> HEY!

HOW'D YOU GET INTO THIS OFFICE?

>> Alphonse: [ Effeminate

voice ] OH, HEY.

I'M LAMONT.

I'M FROM SAN FRAN-CHEESY.

ANYWHO, I WAS TALKING TO MY

FRIEND TRAVON WHO WAS SAYING

THAT IF YOU WERE EVER IN ALASKA,

YOU SHOULD STOP BY A CHEMICAL

PLANT AND CHECK OUT THE

TRUCK-DRIVER LOGS.

>> OH, YEAH.

I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

[ LAUGHS ]

ENJOY YOUR EVENING.

>> Piper: THIS SALMON IS

DELICIOUS.

I'VE BEEN EATING IT ALL DAY, AND

I'M NOT EVEN SICK OF IT.

>> Trent: YEAH, I MEAN, I COULD

EAT THIS MORNING, NOON, AND

NIGHT.

>> YEP, THERE IS NO PLACE BETTER

THAN ALASKA.

>> Trent: YOU SAYING THAT ALASKA

IS BETTER THAN SAN DIEGO?

'CAUSE I AGREE.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?

>> MORE SALMON, ANYONE?

>> Piper: MORE SALMON.

>> Alphonse: [ Normal voice ]

THEY'RE GONNA DESTROY THE OZONE.

>> WHO'S THAT?

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

>> Alphonse: HEY, IT'S ME --

FUTTERMAN.

AND I'M FUTTERMAN'S MAMA.

>> WAIT A SECOND.

YOU'RE NOT FUTTERMAN.

YOU'RE THAT GUY WHO'S WITH THE

GAY DUDE AND THE JAMAICAN.

>> Alphonse: OOPS.

>> WHERE YOU GOING?

GET BACK HERE.

>> Sam: OHH, I'M GONNA TAKE A

WHIZ.

HOLD DOWN THE FORT, HUH?

>> YOUR FREQUENT URINATION IS

TROUBLING.

>> HEY, SAM, SAM, SAM.

I HEAR -- I HEAR YOU'RE...

I HEAR YOU'RE INTERVIEWING FOR

NEW AGENTS.

>> Sam: YOU'RE THE MAIL-ROOM

GUY, JASON.

>> NO, NO, BUT -- BUT...I DON'T

REMEMBER ANYTHING FROM THE YEAR

2006, SO WHAT I'M PRETTY SURE --

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT DURING THAT

MISSING YEAR, I WAS TRAINED AS A

GOVERNMENT ASSASSIN.

>> Sam: I GO PEE.

>> [ GRUNTING ]

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, SORRY.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, SORRY.

HERE YOU GO. SORRY.

ASSASSIN INSTINCTS -- BOOM.

JUST KICKED RIGHT IN.

>> Sam: NO, I SAW HIM.

>> HEY, PSST.

>> Sam: YEAH.

>> I GOT A MEMO FOR YOU.

THE MEMO SAYS THAT THE

NEW ZEALAND MAFIA?

TRANSPORTING AN OZONE

ERADICATION SYSTEM TO ALASKA.

>> Sam: I HAVE TO TELL -- I

HAVE TO TELL TRENT ABOUT THIS.

GIVE ME THE MAIL.

>> WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

>> Sam: YOU OPENED IT.

>> NOTHING.

>> Sam: DON'T READ THE MAIL,

JASON.

>> ALL RIGHT, MAN.

WHOA, WHOA, WHAT AN ATTITUDE.

HEY, COME HERE. COME HERE.

ATTACK ME.

>> Alphonse: DAD!

DAD!

OH, I FIGURED OUT WHY BUSTER WAS

MURDERED.

PRIDERICIDE CHEMICAL IS WORKING

ON A DEVICE TO DESTROY THE OZONE

LAYER, WHICH WILL --

>> SEPARATE ALASKA FROM THE U.S.

I'M SURPRISED IT TOOK YOU THIS

LONG TO FIND OUT.

>> Alphonse: YOU KNEW?

>> KNEW?

IT'S MY PLAN, SON.

I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH THE

NEW ZEALAND MAFIA TO HELP

TRANSPORT THE PARTS FROM

SAN DIEGO, WHICH IS WHY I HAD TO

PUT YOUR OLD PARTNER TO SLEEP.

HE WAS GETTING A BIT TOO CLOSE.

>> Alphonse: YOU WERE IN

SAN DIEGO AND YOU DIDN'T -- YOU

DIDN'T CALL ME?

>> WELL, WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S...

LISTEN, ALPHONSE.

COME HOME.

TAKE YOUR PLACE BY MY SIDE AS

PRINCE OF ALASKA.

>> Alphonse: WELL, I REFUSE.

NOW WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

KILL ME?

>> I COULD NEVER KILL MY ONLY

SON.

I'M GONNA HAVE YOUR FRIENDS DO

IT FOR ME.

>> All: [ GROANING ]

>> Alphonse: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

TO THEM?!

>> SALMON IN SMALL DOSES IS

BENEFICIAL FOR ANXIETY,

DEPRESSION, AND

MACULAR DEGENERATION.

BUT IN HIGH DOSES...

>> Alphonse: IT'S A MIND-CONTROL

FISH.

>> BINGO.

>> Sam: YO, ALPHONSE.

YOUR DAD'S A TERRORIST TRYING TO

SEPARATE ALASKA FROM THE U.S.

HEY, WHO ARE YOU? I'M SAM.

>> I'M HIS DAD.

>> Sam: YOU'RE THE GUY I WAS

TALKING ABOUT.

>> Alphonse: GIVE ME YOUR FOOD.

>> Sam: WHY? THAT'S MY FOOD.

>> Alphonse: TRENT!

>> Sam: I HAVEN'T EATEN IT YET.

>> Alphonse: THE HIGH

CHOLESTEROL WILL COUNTERACT THE

FISH OIL.

DAD!

DAD!

DAD!

>> OVER HERE, SON!

[ GRUNTS ]

AH, GEEZ.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

I STEPPED IN AN ALASKAN POTHOLE.

>> Alphonse: I'M CALLING FOR

HELP.

>> NO, NO.

>> Alphonse: YOU'RE GONNA DIE.

>> I'M ALREADY DEAD, SON.

BUT YOU SAVED ME.

>> Alphonse: I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

>> I'M TALKING IN THE

SPIRITUAL...

METAPHORICAL SENSE.

>> Alphonse: OH, I GOT IT.

>> I WAS A FOOL TO THINK THAT --

THAT I COULD KEEP THE BEAUTY OF

ALASKA ALL TO MYSELF.

>> Alphonse: I'LL STAY.

I'LL COME BACK TO ALASKA.

I'LL BE PRINCE.

>> * SWING LOW

>> Trent: SO, YOUR FATHER WAS A

HOMICIDAL MANIAC BENT ON

ECOLOGICAL DESTRUCTION AND

ISOLATIONISM.

>> Alphonse: YEAH, BUT WE MADE

UP, SO IT'S ALL GOOD.

>> Trent: OKAY.

OKAY.

>> I CRACKED THE CASE...

OF THESE DONUTS.

>> COMING THIS FLAG DAY TO

ADULT SWIM...

HE'S TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT AND

FIND THE CROOKS.

>> [ PANTING ]

SLOW DOWN!

HEY, IT'S ME FUTTERMAN.

>> HE'S FUTTERMAN.