Original subtitles

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

[ CELLPHONES BEEPING, RINGING ]

[ CELLPHONE VIBRATES ]

>> SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK,

DR. SPANKY?

SPANKY!

>> Trent: [ LAUGHS ]

>> AT THE NEXT INTERSECTION,

TURN RIGHT.

>> Trent: DON'T TELL ME HOW TO

GET TO WORK, YOU STUPID GPS.

I'M A HUMAN BEING.

YOU'RE JUST A COMPUTER.

>> Kove: I DON'T LIKE IT.

IT'S ALMOST 10:00 A.M., AND

THERE HASN'T BEEN A SINGLE

TERRORIST ATTACK ON SAN DIEGO.

>> Alphonse: NOTHING IN VIRTUAL

SAN DIEGO, EITHER.

>> Kove: ROBOT S.A.M.,

ROBOT S.A.M.A.N.T.H.A., REPORT.

>> NOTHING.

>> NOTHING HERE.

[ BEEPING ]

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> TURN LEFT ONTO GOVERNOR'S --

[ WHIRRING ]

>> Trent: THE HELL?

>> WILL YOU MARRY ME?

[ WHIRRING ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

>> Piper: NO!

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT?

UGH!

>> Trent: COME ON, COMPUTER!

WAKE UP!

I DON'T NEED YOU.

I KNOW SAN DIEGO LIKE TNT KNOWS

DRAMA.

I'LL BE AT WORK IN NO TIME.

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Kove: SAM, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

ALL THE BLEEP-BLOOPS AND

BLINK-BLINKS HAVE GONE OUT.

>> Sam: I DON'T KNOW.

THE ENTIRE SYSTEM HAS GONE WHAT

IS TECHNICALLY KNOWN AS

"KA-BLUNGO."

>> Kove: TOUCHER, WHAT DO YOU

KNOW?

>> I CAN TELL YOU, BUT FIRST I

NEED TO TOUCH A 12-YEAR-OLD

AUTISTIC CHILD.

>> Jessie: WELL, THAT'S

CERTAINLY CREEPY.

>> HEY!

DON'T ASSUME THE WORST.

I ONLY TOUCH THEIR SHOULDERS.

TOUCHING YOUNG BOYS IS WHAT

ALLOWS ME TO SEE THE FUTURE.

IT'S MY GIFT AND MY CURSE.

>> Piper: WI-FI IS DOWN.

PHONES ARE DOWN.

I'VE GOT TO GET BACK ONLINE.

I'M MISSING ALL OF

KELLY OXFORD'S FUNNY TWEETS.

>> Kove: PIPER, YOUR TWITTER

FRIENDS ARE NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT

NOW.

>> Piper: UGH!

THEY'RE NOT MY FRIENDS.

THEY'RE MY FOLLOWERS!

>> Kove: WHERE'S TRENT?!

>> ALBERT, SHOULDERS.

I SEE SOMEONE EATING A PIZZA.

>> Trent: MEXICO?

SINCE WHEN DID THEY MOVE MEXICO

TO SAN DIEGO?

>> Kove: GOODBYE.

WITNESSES REPORT SEEING A

BUNCH OF FILTHY SCUMBAGS WITH

MICROWAVES JUST BEFORE THE DIRTY

BOMB WENT OFF THIS MORNING.

>> Alphonse: SOUNDS LIKE THE

MOLE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TAKE OVER

SAN DIEGO AGAIN.

>> Sam: OH, EW.

WHAT IS THAT?

>> Kove: THIS IS A TELEPHONE.

>> Jessie: UM, IT'S PRONOUNCED

"CELLPHONE."

>> Sam: UH-HUH.

>> Kove: THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE

USED BEFORE CELLPHONES.

>> Piper: SIRI? FROYO.

[ SLAMS RECEIVER ]

>> Kove: HERE, LET ME EXPLAIN.

I'LL MAKE A CRUDE DRAWING.

I'M GUESSING THESE MICROWAVES

WERE RIGGED TO EMIT AN

ELECTROMAGNETIC PULSE.

PUT ENOUGH OF THEM TOGETHER,

SYNCHRONIZED...

AND YOU'LL FREEZE UP EVERY

MICROCHIP IN SOUTHERN SAN DIEGO.

>> Sam: WOW.

>> Kove: WE'RE DEALING WITH

TECHNOLOGY TERRORISTS.

SAM, YOU KNOW ABOUT TECHNOLOGY.

>> Sam: HUH?

>> Kove: I WANT YOU TO

INFILTRATE THEIR GROUP AND SEE

WHAT THEY'RE UP TO.

TAKE JESSIE WITH YOU.

>> Jessie: ME?

>> Kove: YOU'RE AMISH.

YOU'LL UNDERSTAND THEIR LUDDITE

PHILOSOPHY.

PLUS, YOU ALREADY LOOK LIKE A

HOMELESS DRIFTER, SO YOU'LL FIT

RIGHT IN.

>> Sam: CAREFUL.

>> Jessie: WOW!

LOOKS LIKE A RUSSIAN IKEA

COMMERCIAL.

GREETINGS, MOLE PERSON!

WE MEAN YOU NO HARM.

>> WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

HUH?

DO I LOOK LIKE A FILTHY ANIMAL

TO YOU?

DO I LOOK LIKE A FILTHY ANIMAL

TO YOU?!

YOU KNOW, I'M A HUMAN BEING.

THE MOLE PEOPLE ARE ONE FLOOR

BELOW.

>> ALL HAIL THE PRAIRIE DOG

KING!

>> GREETINGS TO MY PRAIRIE DOG

PEOPLE!

THE REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Kove: WHILE SAM AND JESSIE

ARE WORKING UNDERGROUND, I WANT

YOU TWO TO TRY AND FIND A

PATTERN TO THE DIRTY BOMB

LOCATIONS FROM THIS MORNING.

>> Alphonse: WHAT THE HELL IS

THAT?

>> Kove: THIS IS A "BOOK."

WE CAN USE IT TO SEE MAPS OF ALL

OF SAN DIEGO.

>> Piper: GOT IT!

IT DOESN'T WORK!

>> Kove: PIPER.

SEE?

IT'S LIKE AN iPAD MADE OF PAPER.

>> Alphonse: DAMN!

YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT SO MUCH.

>> Kove: THERE ARE A LOT OF

THINGS ABOUT ME YOU DON'T KNOW.

>> Piper: WE'D LOVE TO HEAR.

>> Kove: WELL, THEN...LET'S TAKE

A TRIP.

>> TODAY, WE TOOK DOWN

SOUTHERN SAN DIEGO.

>> YES!

>> TOMORROW, LA JOLLA.

BUT BEFORE WE DO THIS, IT IS

IMPERATIVE FOR US TO REMEMBER

WHY WE ARE DOING IT.

>> OH, BROTHER, I CAN'T BELIEVE

WE'RE GONNA HEAR THIS STORY

AGAIN.

>> I ONCE OWNED THE LARGEST

CHAIN OF MALL BOOKSTORES IN THE

WORLD.

LIFE WAS GOOD THEN.

THEN CAME THE COMPUTERS, THE

INTERNET, THE KINDLERS, AND

"THE CLOUD."

ANYWAY, WITHIN MONTHS, THE

STORES BEGAN TO CLOSE.

I WAS BROKE.

I HAD NOTHING TO MY NAME BUT MY

BELOVED BOOKS.

AND THEN YOU, MY -- MY FAITHFUL

FORMER EMPLOYEES, CAME WITH ME

DOWN HERE TO CREATE A NEW

SOCIETY -- A SOCIETY FREE OF THE

INTERNET AND ITS NEGATIVE IMPACT

ON BRICK-AND-MORTAR BUSINESSES.

WHAT THE HELL IS "THE CLOUD"?

WHERE THE HELL IS THIS CLOUD?

IT'S CERTAINLY NOT IN THE SKY.

YOU CAN'T SEE IT.

>> OH, GET ON WITH IT.

>> AND SO TODAY, WE DETONATE...

THE TECHNOLOGY-SMASHING BOMB.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> HE'S GOT SOME BETTER NAMES,

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S -- IT ALL

JUST KIND OF COMES OFF THE TOP

OF HIS HEAD.

>> Trent: GLOBAL WARMING MY ASS.

THERE -- IT'S -- THE CITY HALL

MUST BE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

>> [ GROWLS ]

>> Trent: I DON'T HAVE ANY

CHANGE.

>> Kove: AND THAT IS HOW I

MURDERED LEE HARVEY OSWALD.

>> Piper: TALKING FACE-TO-FACE

IS SO MUCH MORE ENGAGING THAN

READING TWEETS.

>> Kove: YOU SEE?

WE'RE LEARNING SO MUCH ABOUT

EACH OTHER.

>> Piper: YEAH, I MEAN FOR

EXAMPLE, I NEVER REALIZED THAT

YOU WERE BLACK.

>> Alphonse: AND I NEVER

REALIZED YOU WERE A WOMAN.

>> Kove: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A

SECRET ABOUT ME?

>> Piper: YES!

>> Kove: I WAS BORN IN A SHOEBOX

WITH A FULL SET OF TEETH.

>> Piper: [ GASPS ]

>> Sam: IF DALTON SETS THIS

THING OFF, IT'LL BE BACK TO THE

DARK AGES -- BICYCLES AND 2-D

MOVIES.

>> Jessie: NO, NOT 2-D.

HOW WOULD SCORSESE ESTABLISH

DEPTH?

>> Sam: I THINK I CAN DEFUSE

THIS THING, BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT

TO DISTRACT DALTON.

>> Jessie: HOW?

>> Sam: SEDUCE HIM.

>> Jessie: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO

DO THAT!

>> Sam: I know you don't know

how to do that, but you have to

for San Diego.

>> Jessie: UGH!

>> YOU SHOULD BE PREPARING FOR

THE ATTACK.

>> Jessie: OH, I'M GOING TO

ATTACK SOMETHING ALL RIGHT.

I'M GOING TO ATTACK THAT

[BLEEP] [BLEEP]

THROBBING [BLEEP] [BLEEP]

MY HANDS [BLEEP] AND [BLEEP]

LIKE IT IS A CHICKEN.

[ GROWLS ]

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> Sam: WHAT IS THIS?

A DRIVE SCREWER?

I GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO

THIS OLD-SCHOOL.

PROBLEM IS, I NEVER WENT TO

OLD SCHOOL.

I WENT TO ST. MARY'S.

>> Jessie: AND YOUR [BLEEP] ARE

STILL ATTACHED TO YOUR [BLEEP]

AND YOUR [BLEEP] IS IN YOUR

WALLET.

>> Sam: CAN'T OPEN THIS.

WELL, I'LL BE.

>> Jessie: OVER AND [BLEEP] WITH

OR WITHOUT SOAP.

BOOP.

>> Sam: I GOT TO DISABLE THIS.

[ MICROWAVE BEEPING ]

THAT'S IT!

I SHORT-CIRCUITED IT!

I short-circuited it.

JESSIE!

DIFFUSED THE BOMB.

>> OH, THIS SEDUCTION WAS JUST A

DISTRACTION.

WELL, IN THAT CASE, IT WAS

RELATIVELY SUCCESSFUL.

>> Jessie: THANKS.

>> Sam: THE JIG IS UP, DALTON.

NTSF:SD:SUV:: -- WE'RE HERE TO

TAKE YOU TOPSIDE AND ARREST

YOU.

>> ALL RIGHT [SIGHS] I'LL GO

WITH YOU.

JUST GIVE ME A FEW MOMENTS.

I'M GONNA GET A FEW BOOKS JUST

TO READ WHILE I'M IN JAIL.

>> Sam: YEAH, I GET IT.

>> Jessie: NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK.

>> Sam: I MEAN, WHAT WOULD YOU

TAKE TO JAIL IF YOU NEEDED TO

READ SOMETHING, I MEAN...

HE DIDN'T GET BOOKS, DID HE?

>> Jessie: [ GASPS ]

HE'S HEADED DOWN TO THE MOLE

PEOPLE'S TUNNELS.

SHOULD WE GO AFTER HIM?

>> THE MOLE PEOPLE ARE TEARING

ME TO PIECES!

[ GRUMBLING ]

>> Sam: NO.

SOUNDS LIKE HE'S DEAD ALREADY.

>> Jessie: YOU'RE ALL FREE.

ENJOY THE SURFACE OF SAN DIEGO

AND YOUR NEWFOUND FREEDOM.

>> Sam: UM, HOWEVER, YOU'RE ALL

UNDER ARREST AND WILL BE TRIED

AS TECH TERRORISTS.

AND YOU'LL PROBABLY SPEND THE

REST OF YOUR LIVES IN JAIL, JUST

SO YOU KNOW.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

>> WILL YOU MARRY ME?

>> NO.

>> Kove: I'M MADEA.

>> Piper: YES!

>> Kove: YES! YES!

[ WHIRRING ]

>> Piper: OH, THANK GOD!

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO!

I MISSED A GROUPON FOR

SHEETROCK.

>> Alphonse: FINALLY.

I'M BACK WITH MY REAL FRIENDS!

>> Kove: ALONE ONCE AGAIN.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHERE'S TRENT?

>> Trent: NO.

NO!

YOU FINALLY DID IT.

[ Laughing ] YOU FINALLY DID IT!

YOU MOVED THE STATUE OF LIBERTY

TO SAN DIEGO.

DAMN YOU!

DAMN YOU TO HELL!