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>> Piper: SO, TUCKER, I THINK
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THAT WE NEED TO TALK.
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AS CRAZY AS I AM ABOUT YOU, I'M
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NOT SURE THAT THE RELATIONSHIP
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IS REALLY GOING IN THE DIRECTION
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THAT I FEEL AT THIS POINT --
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>> LOOK IN THAT BASKET.
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>> Piper: I'M SORRY?
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>> LOOK IN THE BLUE CHEESE CUP.
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[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]
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>> Piper: NO.
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NO.
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>> YEP.
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>> Piper: YOU HID AN ENGAGEMENT
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RING IN THE BLUE CHEESE?
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YES! YES!
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>> OH, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
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I DON'T WANT TO MAKE OUT RIGHT
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NOW.
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[ CROWD CHEERING ]
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NO! NO!
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>> Piper: I'M GETTING MARRIED.
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[ EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS ]
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>> OH, PIPER, DON'T YOU
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REMEMBER?
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YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED?
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TO ME.
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[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
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[ PAPER CRUMPLES ]
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[ CHOMPS ]
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>> DIEGO!
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>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH
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* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH
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>> DIEGO!
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>> Piper: THE PROPOSAL WAS JUST
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SO ROMANTIC.
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>> Jessie: I KNOW.
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IT'S REALLY SOMETHING.
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SO SPARKLY.
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>> Piper: THANK YOU.
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>> I HOPE SOME HUNK PROPOSES TO
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ME ONE DAY.
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>> Jessie: YEAH, I GUESS
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EVERYONE WANTS TO MARRY PIPER.
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>> Kove: TOO TRUE.
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SO, WHEN'S THE WEDDING, PIPER?
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>> Piper: NEXT WEEK.
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>> Jessie: SO SOON?
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>> Piper: YEAH.
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TUCKER SAYS THAT HE JUST WANTS
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TO GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY.
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>> Kove: AWW!
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>> Trent: WEDDINGS ARE FOR
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SINGLES WHO ARE QUITTERS.
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>> Kove: OH, TRENT, DON'T BE SO
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UNROMANTIC.
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I REMEMBER THE TWO TIMES YOU
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PROPOSED TO ME LIKE THEY WERE
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YESTERDAY.
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>> Trent: [ SCOFFS ]
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FIRST TIME I WAS DRUNK ON WINE
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COOLERS.
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THE SECOND TIME, I WAS UNDER THE
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INFLUENCE OF A MIND CONTROL
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DEVICE THAT PROGRAMMED ME TO
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DESTROY YOU EMOTIONALLY.
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>> Kove: BY GOD, YOU DID.
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>> Sam: YO, PIPER, CAN MY
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POSITIVE-MESSAGE HIP-HOP
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GROUP, FRESH GENERATION, PLAY AT
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YOUR RECEPTION?
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>> Piper: OH, I'M SORRY, SAM.
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TUCKER DOESN'T WANT MUSIC AT THE
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WEDDING.
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>> Sam: OKAY. FINE.
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OH, HEY, SOME, UH, WEIRD OLD
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DUDE LEFT THIS FOR YOU.
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ON ONE SIDE THERE'S A DRAGON.
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ON THE OTHER SIDE, IT SAYS
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"SHUMWAY."
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>> Piper: NO.
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>> Sam: YEAH.
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>> Piper: THIS CAN'T BE.
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HE'S DEAD.
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>> Trent: WHO? WHO'S DEAD?
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WHO CAN'T IT BE? WHO'S HE?
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AND WHY ARE WE SURPRISED THAT
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HE'S NOT DEAD?
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>> Piper: DRAGON SHUMWAY.
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HE USED TO RUN THE NUMBER-ONE
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ASSASSINS ACADEMY FOR GIRLS.
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TEN YEARS AGO, HE TOOK ME IN AND
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TRAINED ME TO BE THE DEADLIEST
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WOMAN IN THE WORLD.
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HE TAUGHT ME THE SECRET ART OF
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HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT, WEAPONRY,
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AND THE MOST DANGEROUS ART OF
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ALL...
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LOVE.
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>> Jessie: WHY'D YOU LET HIM GO?
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>> Piper: WELL, I MEAN, IT'S
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LIKE BILLY JOEL ONCE SAID.
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WE HAD SOME FIGHTS WHEN THE
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MONEY GOT TIGHT, AND WE JUST
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DIDN'T COUNT ON THE
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ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT GOING
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WRONG, SO I LEFT HIM FOR DEAD.
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>> Trent: WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOUR
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WEDDING'S OFF -- LIKE A PROM
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DRESS.
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>> Kove: NO.
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HAVE YOUR WEDDING, PIPER.
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AND WHEN SHUMWAY STRIKES, WE'LL
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BE THERE TO CATCH HIM.
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>> Trent: WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOUR
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WEDDING'S BACK ON -- LIKE A PROM
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DRESS IN REVERSE.
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[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ]
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>> Jessie: WARMER.
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>> Piper: CHUCK NORRIS!
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>> Jessie: GETTING WARMER.
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>> Kove: OKAY. ENOUGH.
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THIS AIN'T NO BACHELORETTE
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PARTY.
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>> Piper: KOVE, IT'S FINE.
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>> Kove: PIPER, I'VE BEEN
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MARRIED 11 TIMES, SO I KNOW THE
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VALUE OF ONE LAST LADIES' NIGHT
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OUT BEFORE YOU COMMIT YOURSELF
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TO SOMEONE FOREVER.
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>> Jessie: WHAT IS THAT?
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>> Kove: AN ULTRAPOWERFUL
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GOVERNMENT-GRADE APPLETINI MIX
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THAT WAS ORIGINALLY CREATED TO
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HELP NTSF INFILTRATE THE GAY
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MAFIA.
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>> Piper: DOES IT WORK?
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>> Kove: THIS JUICE WILL GET YOU
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CRUNKED.
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>> Jessie: [BLEEP] YEAH!
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>> Piper: MAYBE JUST A LITTLE.
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[ GUNSHOTS, ALL SCREAMING ]
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>> Jessie: KOVE, WILL YOU BE MY
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MOM?
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KOVE, WILL YOU BE MY MOM?
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PLEASE BE MY MOM, KOVE!
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SAY YOU'LL BE MY MOM!
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>> Kove: OH, YEAH, I'M YOUR MOM!
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>> Jessie: YEAH!
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[ GUNSHOTS ]
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WHOO!
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[ SIREN WAILS ]
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>> WHICH ONE OF YOU DRUNKS IS
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PIPER FERGUSON?
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YOU GOT A VISITOR.
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>> Piper: SHUMWAY.
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[ EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS ]
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>> YOU DIDN'T REALLY THINK I'D
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JUST LET YOU GET REMARRIED, DID
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YOU?
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>> Piper: I THOUGHT YOU WERE
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DEAD.
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>> YOU LEFT ME FOR DEAD.
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>> Piper: I LEFT YOU BECAUSE YOU
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KILLED MY ENTIRE FAMILY FOR THE
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INSURANCE MONEY AND THEN BOUGHT
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ME A YACHT FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.
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>> YOU'RE STILL MAD ABOUT THAT?
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>> Piper: I WANTED A LEXUS.
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>> SORRY, SIR.
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YOU CAN'T HAVE A SWORD IN --
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AAH!
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>> [ SIGHS ]
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WELL, I GUESS I BETTER BE GOING.
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THEY SAY IT'S BAD LUCK TO SEE
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THE BRIDE BEFORE THE WEDDING.
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>> Piper: WELL, YEAH, IF YOU'RE
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THE GROOM.
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>> WHAT?
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>> Piper: IT'S BAD LUCK IF
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YOU'RE THE GROOM.
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>> OH, DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.
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YOU KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING FOR.
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>> Piper: GREAT SEEING YOU.
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>> I DIDN'T HEAR WHAT YOU SAID
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WITH --
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>> Piper: I SAID GREAT SEEING
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YOU.
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>> I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING IN
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HERE.
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[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ]
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>> Kove: BE READY FOR ANYTHING.
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WEDDINGS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
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>> Trent: NOT ON MY WATCH.
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>> Jessie: WOW, PIPER.
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MARRIAGE.
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I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU.
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>> Piper: YEAH.
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I DON'T KNOW, JESSIE.
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I'M FEELING LIKE MAYBE --
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MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO BACK WITH
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SHUMWAY.
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I MEAN, MAYBE I'M JUST MARRYING
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TUCKER BECAUSE HE MAKES ME FEEL
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LIKE I'M A NORMAL WOMAN AND NOT
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A HIGHLY TRAINED GOVERNMENT
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ASSASSIN.
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>> Jessie: I THINK YOU'RE A
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SELFISH MONSTER.
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>> Piper: WHAT?
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>> Jessie: IT SHOULD BE ME IN
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THAT DRESS!
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>> Piper: HI.
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CAN I JUST HAVE A SECOND,
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PLEASE?
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>> GIRLFRIEND, YOU'VE GOT TO BE
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KIDDING.
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IT IS THREE MINUTES TO SHOWTIME,
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AND WE HAVE GOT A LOT TO DO.
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AAH!
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[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
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>> Piper: SHUMWAY.
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>> HELLO, BABYCAKES.
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[ BOTH GRUNT ]
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PIPER, I WANT YOU BACK.
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>> Piper: FORGET IT.
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>> I CAN CHANGE.
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>> Piper: YOU'RE TOO LATE!
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I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!
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[ SLOW MUSIC PLAYS ]
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>> WOW.
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YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?
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[ SIGHS ] THAT'S HARSH.
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BUT I GUESS I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT
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TO ACCEPT IT AND MOVE ON.
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>> Piper: THANK YOU.
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[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
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>> Trent: LOOK, I TORTURED THE
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RING BEARER AND THE FLOWER GIRL.
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THEY KNOW NOTHING.
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>> Piper: SHUMWAY ISN'T GONNA BE
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A PROBLEM ANYMORE.
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>> Trent: WHY THE HELL AM I
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HERE?
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>> Sam: YOU DO KNOW YOU'RE A
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MALE ROBOT, RIGHT?
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>> I AM?
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WELL, MY MEMORY CHIP HAS JUST
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BEEN BLOWN.
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>> Piper: MR. PRESIDENT?
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>> SHH. DON'T BLOW MY COVER.
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I'M HERE TO HELP YOU GUYS GET
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SHUMWAY.
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BUT DON'T WORRY.
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I'M AN ORDAINED MINISTER WITH
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THE UNIVERSAL LIFE CHURCH.
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IT'S COOL.
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>> Jessie: Sorry I'm late.
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>> Piper: IS THIS A WEDDING
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DRESS?
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>> Jessie: IT'S MY MAID OF HONOR
262
00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:43,233
DRESS.
263
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:45,670
>> DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE
264
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:51,666
GATHERED HERE TO...UH, JOIN THIS
265
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:55,082
MAN AND WOMAN TOGETHER INTO A
266
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:57,035
UNIT THAT SHOULD --
267
00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:58,354
I SHOULD'VE BROUGHT MY BIBLE.
268
00:07:58,345 --> 00:07:59,605
>> Piper: YOU KNOW WHAT?
269
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:00,853
WE -- WE WROTE OUR OWN VOWS.
270
00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:03,348
>> GOOD. THANK GOD! HA! YES!
271
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:05,750
[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]
272
00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:08,693
>> Piper: TUCKER, THESE LAST
273
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,859
FIVE YEARS WE'VE SPENT TOGETHER
274
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:16,059
HAVE BEEN...
275
00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:17,133
ALL RIGHT.
276
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:18,100
>> YEAH.
277
00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:22,698
>> Piper: AND I CHERISH YOU, AND
278
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:24,813
I LOOK FORWARD TO JOINING MY
279
00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:29,635
LIFE WITH YOURS FOR ETERNITY.
280
00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:30,213
>> WOW.
281
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:32,110
IF YOU MEAN IT, THAT'S AMAZING.
282
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:32,952
[ LAUGHS ]
283
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,876
ALL RIGHT. YOUR TURN, HOMEBOY.
284
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,782
>> ALL RIGHT. PIPER...
285
00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:37,954
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
286
00:08:37,951 --> 00:08:39,751
YOU KNOW WHAT'S UP.
287
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:42,223
IT'S ALL GOOD.
288
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:43,762
>> THAT'S AWESOME.
289
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:46,057
ALL RIGHT, UH, ANYBODY OUT THERE
290
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,899
GOT A PROBLEM WITH THIS
291
00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:48,795
MARRIAGE?
292
00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:50,126
ANYBODY? BALL UP.
293
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:50,660
AAH!
294
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:51,734
[ AUDIENCE GASPING ]
295
00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:54,402
I GOT STABBED BY SHUMWAY!
296
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:56,341
>> Piper: SHUMWAY, I THOUGHT WE
297
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:57,906
JUST WORKED THIS OUT!
298
00:08:57,905 --> 00:08:58,735
>> I LIED.
299
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,309
THE DRAGON DON'T GET DUMPED,
300
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:01,067
PIPEY.
301
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:02,014
>> LOOK OUT!
302
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,279
HE'S GOT A PONYTAIL!
303
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,106
>> Alphonse: LOOKS LIKE IT'S
304
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:06,412
CHRISTMAS SUSHI TIME.
305
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:07,253
>> Kove: NO.
306
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:08,817
IF THERE'S ONE THING I'VE
307
00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:10,416
LEARNED AFTER 11 MARRIAGES, IT'S
308
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,187
THAT SOMETIMES A GOOD FIGHT CAN
309
00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:16,015
CLEAR THE AIR.
310
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:17,863
>> IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU, NOBODY
311
00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:19,628
CAN.
312
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:34,441
>> Piper: YOU KILLED MY FAMILY!
313
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:37,241
>> THEY WERE ALREADY PRETTY OLD.
314
00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,220
I'D SAY I CONSIDER THIS A
315
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,847
DIVORCE, BUT I DON'T RIP OFF
316
00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:48,693
SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIES.
317
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:49,389
>> BUT I DO.
318
00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:51,389
HASTA LA VISTA, BABY.
319
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:54,831
>> [ GRUNTS ]
320
00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:56,798
>> Piper: TUCKER, OH, MY GOD.
321
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:57,457
THANK YOU.
322
00:09:57,464 --> 00:10:01,174
I'M -- I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
323
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:05,468
DAMN IT. I DO LOVE YOU.
324
00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:07,042
>> [ GROWLS ]
325
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:11,480
AAH!
326
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,878
>> Jessie: OKAY, YOU BITCHES,
327
00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:16,021
THIS IS MY WEDDING NOW.
328
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,046
>> * CALLING ALL THE PARTY
329
00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:20,151
PEOPLE IN THE CLUB *
330
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,363
* IT'S TIME TO PUT YOUR BODY ON
331
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,315
THE FLOOR *
332
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,063
* ALL THE PARTY FREAKS ARE
333
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:27,228
COMING OUT TO PLAY UNTIL THE
334
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:30,997
NIGHT TURNS INTO DAY *
335
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:34,398
* ALL THE PARTY FREAKS
336
00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:38,341
* ALL THE PARTY FREAKS
337
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:39,908
* ALL THE PARTY FREAKS ARE
338
00:10:39,907 --> 00:10:42,107
COMING OUT TO PLAY UNTIL THE
339
00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:45,449
NIGHT TURNS INTO DAY *
340
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:49,175
* ALL THE PARTY FREAKS
341
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:53,252
* ALL THE PARTY FREAKS
342
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:54,423
* CALLING ALL THE PARTY PEOPLE
343
00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:56,091
IN THE CLUB *
21060
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