Original subtitles

>> Piper: SO, TUCKER, I THINK

THAT WE NEED TO TALK.

AS CRAZY AS I AM ABOUT YOU, I'M

NOT SURE THAT THE RELATIONSHIP

IS REALLY GOING IN THE DIRECTION

THAT I FEEL AT THIS POINT --

>> LOOK IN THAT BASKET.

>> Piper: I'M SORRY?

>> LOOK IN THE BLUE CHEESE CUP.

[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Piper: NO.

NO.

>> YEP.

>> Piper: YOU HID AN ENGAGEMENT

RING IN THE BLUE CHEESE?

YES! YES!

>> OH, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

I DON'T WANT TO MAKE OUT RIGHT

NOW.

[ CROWD CHEERING ]

NO! NO!

>> Piper: I'M GETTING MARRIED.

[ EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> OH, PIPER, DON'T YOU

REMEMBER?

YOU'RE ALREADY MARRIED?

TO ME.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ PAPER CRUMPLES ]

[ CHOMPS ]

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Piper: THE PROPOSAL WAS JUST

SO ROMANTIC.

>> Jessie: I KNOW.

IT'S REALLY SOMETHING.

SO SPARKLY.

>> Piper: THANK YOU.

>> I HOPE SOME HUNK PROPOSES TO

ME ONE DAY.

>> Jessie: YEAH, I GUESS

EVERYONE WANTS TO MARRY PIPER.

>> Kove: TOO TRUE.

SO, WHEN'S THE WEDDING, PIPER?

>> Piper: NEXT WEEK.

>> Jessie: SO SOON?

>> Piper: YEAH.

TUCKER SAYS THAT HE JUST WANTS

TO GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY.

>> Kove: AWW!

>> Trent: WEDDINGS ARE FOR

SINGLES WHO ARE QUITTERS.

>> Kove: OH, TRENT, DON'T BE SO

UNROMANTIC.

I REMEMBER THE TWO TIMES YOU

PROPOSED TO ME LIKE THEY WERE

YESTERDAY.

>> Trent: [ SCOFFS ]

FIRST TIME I WAS DRUNK ON WINE

COOLERS.

THE SECOND TIME, I WAS UNDER THE

INFLUENCE OF A MIND CONTROL

DEVICE THAT PROGRAMMED ME TO

DESTROY YOU EMOTIONALLY.

>> Kove: BY GOD, YOU DID.

>> Sam: YO, PIPER, CAN MY

POSITIVE-MESSAGE HIP-HOP

GROUP, FRESH GENERATION, PLAY AT

YOUR RECEPTION?

>> Piper: OH, I'M SORRY, SAM.

TUCKER DOESN'T WANT MUSIC AT THE

WEDDING.

>> Sam: OKAY. FINE.

OH, HEY, SOME, UH, WEIRD OLD

DUDE LEFT THIS FOR YOU.

ON ONE SIDE THERE'S A DRAGON.

ON THE OTHER SIDE, IT SAYS

"SHUMWAY."

>> Piper: NO.

>> Sam: YEAH.

>> Piper: THIS CAN'T BE.

HE'S DEAD.

>> Trent: WHO? WHO'S DEAD?

WHO CAN'T IT BE? WHO'S HE?

AND WHY ARE WE SURPRISED THAT

HE'S NOT DEAD?

>> Piper: DRAGON SHUMWAY.

HE USED TO RUN THE NUMBER-ONE

ASSASSINS ACADEMY FOR GIRLS.

TEN YEARS AGO, HE TOOK ME IN AND

TRAINED ME TO BE THE DEADLIEST

WOMAN IN THE WORLD.

HE TAUGHT ME THE SECRET ART OF

HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT, WEAPONRY,

AND THE MOST DANGEROUS ART OF

ALL...

LOVE.

>> Jessie: WHY'D YOU LET HIM GO?

>> Piper: WELL, I MEAN, IT'S

LIKE BILLY JOEL ONCE SAID.

WE HAD SOME FIGHTS WHEN THE

MONEY GOT TIGHT, AND WE JUST

DIDN'T COUNT ON THE

ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT GOING

WRONG, SO I LEFT HIM FOR DEAD.

>> Trent: WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOUR

WEDDING'S OFF -- LIKE A PROM

DRESS.

>> Kove: NO.

HAVE YOUR WEDDING, PIPER.

AND WHEN SHUMWAY STRIKES, WE'LL

BE THERE TO CATCH HIM.

>> Trent: WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOUR

WEDDING'S BACK ON -- LIKE A PROM

DRESS IN REVERSE.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> Jessie: WARMER.

>> Piper: CHUCK NORRIS!

>> Jessie: GETTING WARMER.

>> Kove: OKAY. ENOUGH.

THIS AIN'T NO BACHELORETTE

PARTY.

>> Piper: KOVE, IT'S FINE.

>> Kove: PIPER, I'VE BEEN

MARRIED 11 TIMES, SO I KNOW THE

VALUE OF ONE LAST LADIES' NIGHT

OUT BEFORE YOU COMMIT YOURSELF

TO SOMEONE FOREVER.

>> Jessie: WHAT IS THAT?

>> Kove: AN ULTRAPOWERFUL

GOVERNMENT-GRADE APPLETINI MIX

THAT WAS ORIGINALLY CREATED TO

HELP NTSF INFILTRATE THE GAY

MAFIA.

>> Piper: DOES IT WORK?

>> Kove: THIS JUICE WILL GET YOU

CRUNKED.

>> Jessie: [BLEEP] YEAH!

>> Piper: MAYBE JUST A LITTLE.

[ GUNSHOTS, ALL SCREAMING ]

>> Jessie: KOVE, WILL YOU BE MY

MOM?

KOVE, WILL YOU BE MY MOM?

PLEASE BE MY MOM, KOVE!

SAY YOU'LL BE MY MOM!

>> Kove: OH, YEAH, I'M YOUR MOM!

>> Jessie: YEAH!

[ GUNSHOTS ]

WHOO!

[ SIREN WAILS ]

>> WHICH ONE OF YOU DRUNKS IS

PIPER FERGUSON?

YOU GOT A VISITOR.

>> Piper: SHUMWAY.

[ EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> YOU DIDN'T REALLY THINK I'D

JUST LET YOU GET REMARRIED, DID

YOU?

>> Piper: I THOUGHT YOU WERE

DEAD.

>> YOU LEFT ME FOR DEAD.

>> Piper: I LEFT YOU BECAUSE YOU

KILLED MY ENTIRE FAMILY FOR THE

INSURANCE MONEY AND THEN BOUGHT

ME A YACHT FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

>> YOU'RE STILL MAD ABOUT THAT?

>> Piper: I WANTED A LEXUS.

>> SORRY, SIR.

YOU CAN'T HAVE A SWORD IN --

AAH!

>> [ SIGHS ]

WELL, I GUESS I BETTER BE GOING.

THEY SAY IT'S BAD LUCK TO SEE

THE BRIDE BEFORE THE WEDDING.

>> Piper: WELL, YEAH, IF YOU'RE

THE GROOM.

>> WHAT?

>> Piper: IT'S BAD LUCK IF

YOU'RE THE GROOM.

>> OH, DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.

YOU KNEW WHAT I WAS GOING FOR.

>> Piper: GREAT SEEING YOU.

>> I DIDN'T HEAR WHAT YOU SAID

WITH --

>> Piper: I SAID GREAT SEEING

YOU.

>> I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING IN

HERE.

[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> Kove: BE READY FOR ANYTHING.

WEDDINGS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

>> Trent: NOT ON MY WATCH.

>> Jessie: WOW, PIPER.

MARRIAGE.

I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU.

>> Piper: YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW, JESSIE.

I'M FEELING LIKE MAYBE --

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO BACK WITH

SHUMWAY.

I MEAN, MAYBE I'M JUST MARRYING

TUCKER BECAUSE HE MAKES ME FEEL

LIKE I'M A NORMAL WOMAN AND NOT

A HIGHLY TRAINED GOVERNMENT

ASSASSIN.

>> Jessie: I THINK YOU'RE A

SELFISH MONSTER.

>> Piper: WHAT?

>> Jessie: IT SHOULD BE ME IN

THAT DRESS!

>> Piper: HI.

CAN I JUST HAVE A SECOND,

PLEASE?

>> GIRLFRIEND, YOU'VE GOT TO BE

KIDDING.

IT IS THREE MINUTES TO SHOWTIME,

AND WE HAVE GOT A LOT TO DO.

AAH!

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Piper: SHUMWAY.

>> HELLO, BABYCAKES.

[ BOTH GRUNT ]

PIPER, I WANT YOU BACK.

>> Piper: FORGET IT.

>> I CAN CHANGE.

>> Piper: YOU'RE TOO LATE!

I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!

[ SLOW MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> WOW.

YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?

[ SIGHS ] THAT'S HARSH.

BUT I GUESS I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT

TO ACCEPT IT AND MOVE ON.

>> Piper: THANK YOU.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

>> Trent: LOOK, I TORTURED THE

RING BEARER AND THE FLOWER GIRL.

THEY KNOW NOTHING.

>> Piper: SHUMWAY ISN'T GONNA BE

A PROBLEM ANYMORE.

>> Trent: WHY THE HELL AM I

HERE?

>> Sam: YOU DO KNOW YOU'RE A

MALE ROBOT, RIGHT?

>> I AM?

WELL, MY MEMORY CHIP HAS JUST

BEEN BLOWN.

>> Piper: MR. PRESIDENT?

>> SHH. DON'T BLOW MY COVER.

I'M HERE TO HELP YOU GUYS GET

SHUMWAY.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

I'M AN ORDAINED MINISTER WITH

THE UNIVERSAL LIFE CHURCH.

IT'S COOL.

>> Jessie: Sorry I'm late.

>> Piper: IS THIS A WEDDING

DRESS?

>> Jessie: IT'S MY MAID OF HONOR

DRESS.

>> DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE

GATHERED HERE TO...UH, JOIN THIS

MAN AND WOMAN TOGETHER INTO A

UNIT THAT SHOULD --

I SHOULD'VE BROUGHT MY BIBLE.

>> Piper: YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE -- WE WROTE OUR OWN VOWS.

>> GOOD. THANK GOD! HA! YES!

[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Piper: TUCKER, THESE LAST

FIVE YEARS WE'VE SPENT TOGETHER

HAVE BEEN...

ALL RIGHT.

>> YEAH.

>> Piper: AND I CHERISH YOU, AND

I LOOK FORWARD TO JOINING MY

LIFE WITH YOURS FOR ETERNITY.

>> WOW.

IF YOU MEAN IT, THAT'S AMAZING.

[ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT. YOUR TURN, HOMEBOY.

>> ALL RIGHT. PIPER...

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S UP.

IT'S ALL GOOD.

>> THAT'S AWESOME.

ALL RIGHT, UH, ANYBODY OUT THERE

GOT A PROBLEM WITH THIS

MARRIAGE?

ANYBODY? BALL UP.

AAH!

[ AUDIENCE GASPING ]

I GOT STABBED BY SHUMWAY!

>> Piper: SHUMWAY, I THOUGHT WE

JUST WORKED THIS OUT!

>> I LIED.

THE DRAGON DON'T GET DUMPED,

PIPEY.

>> LOOK OUT!

HE'S GOT A PONYTAIL!

>> Alphonse: LOOKS LIKE IT'S

CHRISTMAS SUSHI TIME.

>> Kove: NO.

IF THERE'S ONE THING I'VE

LEARNED AFTER 11 MARRIAGES, IT'S

THAT SOMETIMES A GOOD FIGHT CAN

CLEAR THE AIR.

>> IF I CAN'T HAVE YOU, NOBODY

CAN.

>> Piper: YOU KILLED MY FAMILY!

>> THEY WERE ALREADY PRETTY OLD.

I'D SAY I CONSIDER THIS A

DIVORCE, BUT I DON'T RIP OFF

SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIES.

>> BUT I DO.

HASTA LA VISTA, BABY.

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> Piper: TUCKER, OH, MY GOD.

THANK YOU.

I'M -- I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

DAMN IT. I DO LOVE YOU.

>> [ GROWLS ]

AAH!

>> Jessie: OKAY, YOU BITCHES,

THIS IS MY WEDDING NOW.

>> * CALLING ALL THE PARTY

PEOPLE IN THE CLUB *

* IT'S TIME TO PUT YOUR BODY ON

THE FLOOR *

* ALL THE PARTY FREAKS ARE

COMING OUT TO PLAY UNTIL THE

NIGHT TURNS INTO DAY *

* ALL THE PARTY FREAKS

* ALL THE PARTY FREAKS

* ALL THE PARTY FREAKS ARE

COMING OUT TO PLAY UNTIL THE

NIGHT TURNS INTO DAY *

* ALL THE PARTY FREAKS

* ALL THE PARTY FREAKS

* CALLING ALL THE PARTY PEOPLE

IN THE CLUB *