Original subtitles

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> VIRGIL ANTE.

>> YEAH!

>> HE'S SUCH A BADASS!

>> YOU ALL KNOW HIM AS THE DARK,

GOTHIC POET WARRIOR FIGHTING A

CORRUPT CIVILIZATION IN A CITY

GONE MAD.

>> YEAH!

>> BUT I THOUGHT THAT WAS KIND

OF A BUMMER, SO I CHANGED IT UP.

BEHOLD!

[ ALL GASP ]

MY NEW VIRGIL ANTE -- MIGRATED

SOUTH FROM GRIM CITY TO MIAMI,

F.L.A.

>> IS THIS SOME SORT OF A JOKE?!

>> KIND OF PART DON DRAPER, PART

BATMAN.

>> JUDAS!

>> YOU'RE WELCOME. QUESTIONS?

>> OH, THIS STINKS!

>> YEAH?

>> VIRGIL ANTE IS A DARK

AVENGER.

HE CAN'T LIVE IN MIAMI.

>> WELL, HE DOESN'T LIVE IN

MIAMI.

HE LIVES IN COCONUT GROVE. NEXT!

>> WHAT ABOUT THE VILLAINS OF

GRIM CITY?

WHO'S HE GONNA FIGHT?

>> CLUB KID, PAPARAZZO,

LeBRON JAMES.

>> I HAVE A QUESTION.

>> IT'S CROWLEY MOREHOUSE!

>> CROWLEY MOREHOUSE!

>> OH.

IF IT ISN'T CROWLEY MOREHOUSE,

MY EX-PARTNER.

>> VIRGIL ANTE IS MY CHARACTER.

I BIRTHED HIM WITH PEN AND INK,

AND YOU STOLE HIM AWAY.

>> I DIDN'T HEAR A QUESTION IN

THERE, CROWLEY.

>> FINE. HERE'S ONE.

AREN'T YOU ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?!

>> YEAH, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!

>> YEAH, YOU RUINED IT!

>> I THINK MY HEAD'S GONNA

EXPLODE.

[ ALL GASP ]

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Trent: OUT OF MY WAY, NERDS!

PIPER, WHAT DO WE GOT?

>> Piper: HEAD EXPLOSION.

WITNESSES VIDEOTAPED THE EVENT,

CUT IT TOGETHER ON THEIR

iPHONES, AND THEN UPLOADED IT TO

THE INTERNET.

>> Trent: YEAH, BUT HAVE YOU

SEEN THE REMIX?

>> MY HEAD'S GONNA EXPLODE.

MY HEAD'S GONNA EXPLODE.

MY HEAD'S GONNA EXPLODE.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

JESSIE, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

>> Jessie: LOOKS LIKE A BRAIN

BOMB?

>> Trent: DOES IT LOOK LIKE A

BRAIN BOMB, OR IS IT A BRAIN

BOMB?

I NEED ANSWERS, NOT EXCUSES,

JESSIE.

>> Jessie: THIS IS

TAD McMILRTHY, MY

SECOND-FAVORITE GRAPHIC NOVELIST

OF ALL TIME.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET HIM.

DOING HIS AUTOPSY IS THE NEXT

BEST THING.

>> Piper: THESE COMIC BOOKS ARE

SO MISOGYNISTIC.

>> TAD McMILRTHY'S OWN BRAINS ON

A FIRST-EDITION REBOOT -- IT'S

GOT TO BE WORTH A FORTUNE.

I'LL GIVE YOU 200 BUCKS.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU $400.

>> Jessie: SORRY, BOYS.

THIS IS GOING IN MY PRIVATE

COLLECTION.

>> Trent: OCD DETECTIVE, WHAT DO

YOU GOT?

>> UM, WELL, THE MURDERER WAS

DEFINITELY IN THE ROOM.

HE WAS, UH -- GOD, PLEASE STOP

MAKING ME WORK THESE CRIME

SCENES.

THEY'RE SO DIRTY!

I GOT TO GET BACK TO THERAPY!

>> Trent: HEY, GREAT JOB.

>> AH, COME ON, MAN! GEEZ. OH!

OH! GOD, UGH!

>> Trent: WHOA.

WHO IS THAT MAGICIAN?

>> Jessie: THAT'S

CROWLEY MOREHOUSE, MY FIRST

FAVORITE COMIC-BOOK AUTHOR AND

OUR NUMBER-ONE SUSPECT.

>> Trent: WELL, BAG HIM AND

BOARD HIM 'CAUSE THIS GUY'S A

COLLECTOR'S EDITION, AND I WANT

TO KEEP HIM GEN MINT 10.

>> Piper: I DIDN'T FOLLOW THAT.

>> Jessie: I DID.

>> Alphonse: NOW I'M GONNA ASK

YOU O MORE TIME!

IN ENGLISH, WHAT...IS...YOUR...

PLAN?!

>> CORMAMIN LINDUA ELE LLE.

>> Alphonse: S.A.M., YOU KNOW

OVER 10,000 LANGUAGES.

WHAT IS HE SPEAKING?

>> UM, SPANISH I THINK.

>> Alphonse: DAMN IT!

IT'S NOT SPANISH, MAN!

>> Kove: HE'S NOT COOPERATING.

WITH NO EVIDENCE TO LINK HIM TO

THE MURDER, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE

TO CUT HIM LOOSE.

>> Piper: IF HE DIDN'T MAKE

McMILRTHY'S HEAD EXPLODE, WHO

DID?

>> Kove: INTEL SUGGESTS A

TERRORIST GROUP CALLED FAN BOYZ.

THE "Z" MEANS THAT THEY ARE

INDEED CRAZY AND DON'T SUBSCRIBE

TO THE NORMAL RULES OF GRAMMAR.

THEY'RE COMIC-BOOK PURISTS, AND

THEY WORSHIP CROWLEY MOREHOUSE

LIKE A GOD.

>> Jessie: COMIC-BOOK STORE WAS

MOST LIKELY A TRIAL RUN.

THEIR NEXT TARGET WILL BE

SOMEBODY AT COMIC-CON.

>> Trent: SHUT UP, JESSIE!

KOVE DOES SPEECHES.

>> Kove: GAIL, WHAT DOES YOUR

WOMEN'S INTUITION TELL YOU?

>> MM, I JUST HAVE A FEELING

THEY'RE GONNA STRIKE TODAY.

AND I HAVE A FEELING THERE'S

STILL SOMETHING GOING ON BETWEEN

YOU TWO.

>> Kove: REALLY?

TRENT, YOU AND PIPER GO TO

COMIC-CON.

KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN FOR

FAN BOYZ.

THEY ALWAYS WEAR THE VIRGIL ANTE

MASK AND HAT.

>> Trent: WHERE DID KOVE GO?

>> [ WHISTLE BLOWS ]

>> Trent: THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE.

WE'LL NEVER FIND THE BOMBER IN

THIS HAYSTACK OF NERDS, GEEKS,

FREAKS, AND COSPLAY FANS.

[ GRUNTS ] COME ON!

DAMN IT!

THERE ARE FAN BOYZ EVERYWHERE!

OH, BOY.

>> Alphonse: I CAN'T GET

ANYTHING OUT OF MOREHOUSE.

HE JUST KEEPS SAYING, "TUVAH,

TUVAH."

>> Jessie: THAT'S UVISH!

>> Alphonse: WHAT'S UVISH?

>> Jessie: VIRGIL ANTE'S SECRET

LANGUAGE.

ONLY HE SPEAKS IT.

ONLY HE KNOWS IT.

>> Alphonse: WELL, GOOD LUCK

FINDING ANYBODY WHO SPEAKS THAT

LANGUAGE.

>> Jessie: I'M FLUENT.

CAMEELO FLAN!

>> Alphonse: WHAT DOES THAT

MEAN?

>> Jessie: IT MEANS VáMONOS!

>> Alphonse: WHAT DOES THAT

MEAN?

>> Jessie: IT MEANS, "LET'S GO."

>> Alphonse: NOW, WHAT DOES THAT

MEAN?

[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, YEAH.

>> Trent: MR. PRESIDENT?

>> 50 BUCKS FOR A PICTURE, 30 IF

YOU WANT ME TO SIGN.

IF YOU WANT ME TO MAKE EYE

CONTACT, IT'S 60 BUCKS.

>> Piper: SIR, YOU WRITE COMICS?

>> HELL YEAH, I DO!

KIDS TODAY WILL BUY ANYTHING SO

LONG AS IT'S GOT A SET OF

KNOCKERS IN IT!

>> Piper: THAT IS SO CYNICAL.

WHAT KIDS REALLY NEED IS QUALITY

STORIES, NOT JUST MINDLESS T&A.

>> EXCUSE ME.

I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT "POTN"

ISSUE NUMBER THREE.

>> WHAT?!

>> YOU ESTABLISHED IN THE FIRST

ISSUE THAT YOU HAD A THREE WAY

WITH PENNY POISON AND

KATRINA EVIL.

>> UH-HUH.

>> THEN IN ISSUE FIVE, YOU SAID

YOU WISHED YOU HAD ONE.

WHICH IS IT?

>> I TOLD YOU CONTINUITY NERDS

TO STAY AWAY FROM MY BOOTH!

[ GRUNTS ]

>> AGH!

>> Jessie: GULY GULY GULY ROJO

TRAJIO GUNIA.

>> MACA-TOO GOLALILY LA.

>> Jessie: [ LAUGHING ]

THANK YOU.

>> Alphonse: WHAT THE HELL DID

HE SAY?

>> Jessie: HE KEEPS SAYING THE

GUILTY WILL BE PURGED IN THE

FIERY RIVER OF VENGEANCE, BUT HE

WON'T SAY WHEN OR HOW.

>> I WAS ABOUT TO SAY THAT.

>> Alphonse: MAYBE IT WOULD BE A

GOOD THING IF COMIC-CON DID GET

BLOWN UP.

>> Jessie: ALPHONSE, THAT'S

TERRIBLE!

AREN'T YOU ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?

[ GASPS ]

THE DETONATOR'S ACTIVATED!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

>> Alphonse: THAT WE SHOULD GET

THE HELL OUT OF HERE?!

>> Jessie: NO, IT MEANS THE BOMB

IS ACTIVATED BY THE QUESTION,

AREN'T YOU ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?

OH, MY GOD, COMIC-CON!

THE Q&As!

>> Alphonse: HEY, JESSIE, WHAT'S

UVISH FOR, YOU'RE SCREWED?!

>> Jessie: GNAR GNAR POOPIE

BAHR?

NO?

>> Piper: ACCORDING TO JESSIE,

WE JUST NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHICH

ONE OF THE SPEAKERS THE FAN BOYZ

IS TARGETING.

>> Trent: WHICH ONE OF THEM IS

BASTARDIZING A BELOVED

COMIC-BOOK PROPERTY?

>> Piper: ACCORDING TO THIS

GUIDE, ALL OF THEM.

>> Trent: DAMN IT!

WE'RE NOT RYAN SEACREST.

WE CAN'T BE EVERYWHERE AT ONCE.

>> WELL, I WOULD LOVE TO HELP

YOU, BUT I GOTS TO GO.

HANK SCHILLER'S DOING A Q&A

ABOUT HOW HE'S TURNING HIS

CLASSIC COMIC "LUCIFURIOUS" INTO

A BROADWAY MUSICAL.

>> Trent: WAIT A SECOND.

"LUCIFURIOUS," COMIC, MUSICAL,

TURNING, BROADWAY, LYRICS.

INTO?!

HANK SCHILLER'S THE TARGET!

[ BEEPING ]

>> OH, NO, DUDE, I'M TURNING

THIS PROPERTY INTO AN E-BOOK, A

VIDEO GAME, KIDS CARTOON.

WE'RE DOING A SERIES OF MOVIES.

>> EXCUSE ME, MR. SCHILLER.

>> HANG ON.

>> I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN.

CAN I GIVE YOU A HUG?

>> NO THANKS. I DON'T -- AAH!

HEY, MAN, GET OFF ME!

OHH!

I JUST GOT HUG-RAPED BY SOME

NERD BEAR!

[ GROANS ]

ANYWAY, DUDE, SORRY ABOUT THE

LONG MESSAGE.

GIVE ME A CALL BACK WHEN YOU GET

A CHANCE, OKAY?

LATER!

>> Jessie: REMEMBER, THE

QUESTION TRIGGERS THE BOMB'S

TIMER.

WHEN HE STOPS ANSWERING, IT

DETONATES.

>> Trent: Got it. Anything else?

>> Jessie: ALSO, CAN YOU ASK HIM

IF LUCIFURIOUS' FATHER IS ALSO

HIS SON?

>> Trent: What?! No. Got to go.

>> Jessie: HELLO? HELLO?

>> WHO WAS THAT?

>> Trent: JESSIE.

>> WHAT'D SHE SAY?

>> Trent: SHE TOLD ME ABOUT THE

BRAIN BOMBS.

>> Piper: WHAT ABOUT THE BRAIN

BOMBS?

>> Trent: I'LL TELL YOU WHEN WE

STOP RUNNING.

>> WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TELL US

NOW?!

>> Trent: 'CAUSE I CAN'T RUN AND

TALK AT THE SAME TIME!

>> YOU'RE DOING IT NOW!

>> Trent: NO, I'M NOT!

>> SOME PEOPLE SAY THE REASON I

TURNED "LUCIFURIOUS" INTO A

MUSICAL WAS BECAUSE I WAS PAID

$20 MILLION.

NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM

THE TRUTH.

I WAS PAID $25 MILLION.

GET IT RIGHT, GUYS.

>> I HAVE A QUESTION.

>> NERD WITH A MASK.

LET'S DO IT.

>> AREN'T YOU ASHAMED OF

YOURSELF?

>> Trent: THAT'S THE TRIGGER

QUESTION!

>> IF MAKING $25 MILLION IS

SHAMEFUL, THEN I DON'T WANT TO

BE PROUD.

[ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT, I THINK WE'RE DONE

HERE, RIGHT?

>> Trent: NO!

SCHILLER, YOU HAVE A BOMB IN

YOUR BRAIN, AND IT WILL EXPLODE

IF YOU STOP ANSWERING QUESTIONS.

>> I DO HEAR A BEEPING.

IT'S GETTING FASTER, SO PLEASE

ASK ME A QUESTION, I GUESS.

>> Trent: OKAY, UH, HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M, UH, I'M PRETTY SCARED

RIGHT NOW.

I'M GONNA BE HONEST WITH YOU.

>> Trent: I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO

DO.

I'VE NEVER HAD A CASUAL

CONVERSATION IN MY LIFE.

>> COME ON, PLEASE, PLEASE, HELP

ME!

>> Trent: OKAY, UM, UH...

>> IT'S GETTING FASTER AGAIN.

>> Trent: WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE

TIES?

>> Piper: I HAVE AN IDEA!

>> THE TIES?

>> Trent: YEAH.

>> OKAY, OKAY, I BUY THEM AT A

PLACE IN PASADENA.

>> Jessie: INNOCENT LIVES ARE AT

STAKE.

>> THERE IS NO SOLUTION.

IF SCHILLER WANTS TO LIVE, HE

MUST ANSWER QUESTIONS FOR THE

REST OF HIS LIFE.

>> AND THEN THEY'RE GONNA RETCON

THAT HE WAS A ROBOT THE WHOLE

TIME?!

WHAT AM I -- AN IDIOT?!

>> Piper: HEY, BEARDO, YOU'RE

COMING WITH ME.

>> OH!

>> Trent: WHAT I DO ASK?

>> COME ON.

>> UH...

>> HEY, MAN, I NEED YOU TO ASK

ANOTHER QUESTION!

>> CALAMARI OR POTATO SKINS --

WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE BETTER?

>> Trent: CALAMARI OR POTATO

SKINS -- WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE

BETTER?

>> C-CALAMARI.

>> [ SPITS ]

>> Trent: YOUR MOTHER -- WHAT

WAS THAT, UH, WHOLE THING ABOUT?

>> HER BEING MY PARENT?!

YOUR QUESTIONS ARE TERRIBLE!

KEEP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!

>> Trent: HOW DID YOU GET HERE

TODAY?

HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING

UP?

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DRINK?

>> BASEBALL PLAYER!

I'M FREAKING OUT!

ONE CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT BECAUSE

IT'S CALLED FRENCH TOAST, IT WAS

MADE IN FRANCE.

>> Trent: SHIRTS -- FOR OR

AGAINST?

>> WHAT?!

I-I'M FOR SHIRTS -- FOR MEN,

AGAINST SHIRTS FOR WOMEN.

>> Trent: IF YOU HAD THE CHOICE

BETWEEN MEETING SHAMU OR GOING

TO A PADRES GAME, WHAT DO YOU

PICK?

>> CAN I DO ANYTHING?!

>> Trent: IT'S VIDEOTAPED.

>> OKAY, THEN THE PADRES GAME --

THE PADRES GAME, OBVIOUSLY!

>> Trent: MAMAS PANTS, UNICORNS,

P-PRETZELS, THE PRESIDENT, JFK

ASSASSINATION!

I LIKE JACK. I CAN'T TALK.

>> PLEASE, SOMEBODY ASK A

QUESTION!

DO YOU HEAR THIS?!

>> MY VOICE...

>> [ Crying ] PLEASE DON'T DO

THIS TO ME!

>> Piper: I'VE GOT SOMEONE WHO

HAS A QUESTION!

[ BEEPING ]

>> IN ISSUE 18 OF

"LUCIFURIOUS UNBOUND," HE USES

THE FORK WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

WAS THAT A COMMENTARY ON THE

U.S. SHIFT TO CONSERVATISM?

>> OH, THANK GOD.

THIS COUNTRY AND THIS BOOK IS

MOVING TOWARDS THE RIGHT.

>> WAS THE HELL WAR -- WAS THAT

THE IRAQ WAR OR THE AFGHANISTAN

WAR?

>> THE UNFOUGHT WAR WITH IRAN

THAT IS IMMINENT.

>> DO YOU THINK THAT'S GONNA

HAPPEN?

>> ABSOLUTELY, AND IT WILL BE

CHRONICLED IN THE NEXT

"LUCIFURIOUS" BOOK.

>> Kove: SAN DIEGO COMIC-CON HAS

ONCE AGAIN BEEN SAVED.

THANKS TO TRENT AND PIPER'S PLAN

OF PAIRING SCHILLER WITH A SUPER

FAN, HE'LL BE ANSWERING

QUESTIONS FOR THE REST OF HIS

LIFE, WHICH WILL NOW BE A VERY

LONG LIFE INDEED.

>> Jessie: BUT THAT WAS MY PLAN!

>> Kove: STAY IN YOUR LANE,

JESSIE.

TRENT AND PIPER SAVED THE DAY.

>> Piper: I'M JUST GLAD IT'S

OVER WITH.

I COULDN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THAT

PIGGISH EXPLOITATION OF WOMEN.

>> Kove: SPEAKING OF WHICH, BY

WAY OF A THANK YOU,

HANK SCHILLER HAS SENT US ALL

ADVANCED COPIES OF HIS NEWEST

GRAPHIC NOVEL.

"PIPER'S PERIL."

>> Piper: UGH, THIS IS...

ACTUALLY VERY, VERY GOOD.

AND THE LIKENESS IS JUST -- IT'S

LIKE THEY TOOK A PHOTOGRAPH OF

ME.

HOW DID THEY...

>> OH, GOD! AGH!

GET ME OUT OF THIS THING!

I GOT TO TAKE A PISS!

I GOT TO TAKE A WICKED PISS,

MAN!

COME ON!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I DON'T KNOW!

DOES HE WEAR A CAPE?!

DOES HE?! I DON'T KNOW!

WHAT?

YES!

STOOL! CHAIR!

CHOOL! STAIR!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M

SAYING ANYMORE.

FELLA, YOU JUST ASKED, DO I LIKE

DRAWING BOOKS, AND WHILE I

APPRECIATE THAT IT STOPPED THE

BOMB, THIS IS A COMIC-BOOK

CONVENTION.

YOU'RE LIKE A NEXT-LEVEL IDIOT.