Original subtitles

>> Piper: ALPHA TEAM.

WE'RE LIVE.

>> Trent: OPERATION FAT FISH IS

A GO.

>> Piper: HEADS UP, PEOPLE.

IT'S OUR MISSION TO MAKE SURE

GARY THE KILLER WHALE MAKES IT

SAFELY OVERSEAS TO ENTERTAIN THE

TROOPS.

>> Trent: EASY, BOY.

WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

>> AGENT HAUSER.

>> Trent: COLONEL. HOW ARE YOU?

>> WHY ARE YOU SO DRESSED UP?

>> Trent: I'M HOSTING THE

NTSF AWARDS TONIGHT.

I DIDN'T WANT TO GO HOME AND

CHANGE.

>> Piper: TRENT.

I'M PICKING UP AN ENERGY SIGNAL.

WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED.

ABORT! ABORT, TRENT!

>> WHAT'S THAT?

[ MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Trent: WHAT THE HELL?

REN FAIRE MUSIC?

RUN! RUN!

AAH!

I GUESS ALL'S WHALE THAT ENDS

WHALE.

BUT THAT WHALE DIED.

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Kove: IT'S BEEN LABELED THE

GREATEST TRAGEDY IN SAN DIEGO

HISTORY.

YOU'RE BEING CHARGED AS

TERRORISTS IN THE ASSASSINATION

OF GARY THE KILLER WHALE.

YOU'VE ALL BEEN DISAVOWED BY

NTSF.

>> Alphonse: DISAVOWED? WAIT.

CAN WE STILL USE THE

PHOTOCOPIER?

'CAUSE I CANNOT PAY KINKO

PRICES.

>> Piper: I HAVE A HALF ORDER OF

GENERAL TSO'S IN THE FRIDGE.

WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN TO THAT?

>> Kove: I KNOW YOU'RE INNOCENT,

BUT THE PRESIDENT OF THE NAVY

ORDERED ME TO DETAIN YOU ON

SIGHT FOR AN IMMEDIATE TRIAL --

UNLESS ONE OF YOU ASSAULTS ME

RIGHT NOW AND YOU CAN ESCAPE.

>> Trent: OKAY. GOT IT.

SO, WHEN'S THAT TRIAL?

>> Kove: IF YOU KNOCK ME OUT AND

ESCAPE, YOU CAN FIND OUT WHO SET

YOU UP AND CLEAR YOUR NAME.

>> Piper: DAMN.

WISH WE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF

THAT PLAN.

>> Kove: THERE'S A MOLE IN THIS

ORGANIZATION.

>> Trent: A MOLE?

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING I HATE

MORE THAN A MOLE, AND THAT'S A

MOLE ON YOUR SKIN.

AND DON'T BOTHER WRITING THAT

DOWN, BECAUSE I'M NO MOLESKIN

NOTEBOOK.

>> Kove: I CAN ONLY HOLD OFF

INTERNAL AFFAIRS FOR SO LONG.

YOU NEED TO FIND OUT WHO SET YOU

UP BEFORE THOSE I.A. BASTARDS

FIND YOU.

NOW, GET MOVING.

OH, OH! I'VE BEEN KNOCKED OUT!

OH! OH, OH! OH!

>> Trent: THIS IS WHERE I COME

TO GET AWAY FROM IT ALL.

WE'LL BE SAFE HERE.

>> Piper: THIS PLACE LOOKS JUST

LIKE HEADQUARTERS.

>> Trent: NO, IT DOESN'T.

HEADQUARTER HAS L.E.D. TVs.

THESE ARE PLASMA.

>> Piper: OH.

>> Alphonse: ALL RIGHT.

THE FIRST QUESTION WE HAVE TO

ASK IS, WHO WOULD WANT TO DO

THIS TO US?

>> Piper: SOMEBODY WHO WANTS US

OUT OF NTSF AND KNEW EXACTLY

WHERE WE'D BE.

>> Alphonse: BUT WE WERE THE

ONLY THREE THAT KNEW THE DROP

LOCATION.

>> Piper: YOU THINK THAT ONE OF

US IS FEEDING THE TERRORISTS

INFORMATION?

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

>> Trent: IS IT RIDICULOUS,

PIPER?

>> Piper: HEY.

LOOK, WE'RE ALL FRIENDS HERE,

AND WE JUST NEED TO STICK

TOGETHER LIKE SCHWIMMER AND THE

GANG.

>> Trent: I MIGHT BE A TOTAL

ROSS, BUT YOU...ARE NO RACHEL.

[ INDISTINCT WHISPERING ]

>> Internal Affairs.

>> UH-OH. INTERNAL AFFAIRS.

>> HEADS UP -- I.A. COMING.

>> I'M SO SORRY TO INTERRUPT

YOUR LUNCH, BUT I JUST WANTED TO

INTRODUCE MYSELF.

I'M AGENT FITZPATRICK FROM

INTERNAL AFFAIRS.

I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT THIS WHOLE WHALE

INCIDENT.

>> Kove: BITE ME, YOU I.A. SCUM.

YOU COME INTO MY HOME AND TRY TO

PLAY HARDBALL WITH ME?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

SWEETHEART.

MAMA DON'T PLAY THAT.

>> YEAH.

PEOPLE DON'T USUALLY LOVE US

FOLKS IN INTERNAL AFFAIRS.

BUT I'M JUST DOING MY JOB, AND

IF YOU GIVE ME A CHANCE, I'M

ACTUALLY PRETTY FUN.

IN FACT, AFTER WORK, I'M GOING

TO TIG BITTLEY'S FOR TRIVIA

NIGHT.

WINNER GETS A MAGNUM OF

PINOT GREEGE.

YOU WANT TO COME?

>> [ SPITS ]

THAT'S FOR ABBREVIATING

"GRIGIO."

>> [ LAUGHS ]

DO YOU WANT TO COME?

>> Alphonse: WHY'D YOU SELL US

OUT, PIPER?

BECAUSE WE NEVER WEAR THOSE

SCARVES YOU KNIT FOR US?!

>> Piper: IT'S NOT KNITTING.

IT'S CROCHET!

>> Trent: SAN DIEGO'S NOT SCARF

COUNTRY, PIPER.

BY THE WAY, HOW'S YOUR OCD

TREATING YOU?

>> Piper: NO.

NO! NO!

YOU ANIMALS!

>> Sam: WHAT -- WHAT ARE YOU

DOING HERE?

>> I JUST WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU

WITH A COOKIE.

>> Sam: [ SPITS ]

SURPRISE.

I DON'T EAT I.A. COOKIES.

>> IF YOU WANT TO GRAB LUNCH

LATER, I'LL BE AROUND.

DO YOU HAVE MY CELL?

>> Piper: GO HERE...

>> Trent: SO, I GUESS YOU'RE NOT

THE MOLE.

NO ONE COULD HAVE WITHSTOOD

12 HOURS OF CONTINUOUS TORTURE

LIKE THAT.

>> Piper: YEAH.

>> Alphonse: YEAH. SORRY, PIPER.

I GUESS ALL OF OUR EMOTIONS ARE

A LITTLE EXPLOSIVE RIGHT NOW.

>> Trent: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY

"EXPLOSIVE," ALPHONSE?

>> Alphonse: OH, SO NOW I'M THE

MOLE?

>> Piper: YOU ARE?!

LOOK AT IT.

ALL OF YOUR PLAYLISTS --

LABELED, PERFECTLY ORGANIZED,

ARTWORK INTACT.

>> Alphonse: IT TOOK ME SIX

YEARS TO MAKE THOSE PLAYLISTS!

>> Trent: THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE

SUNG WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE.

[ CLICK ]

>> Alphonse: NOT MY "GET

PSYCHED" WORKOUT MIX!

>> Trent: FESS UP, ALPHONSE.

WE ALL HAVE SECRETS.

>> Piper: YOU HAVE SECRETS?

>> Alphonse: SUNGLASSES.

SO STYLISH.

SO FRAGILE.

>> Trent: VAL KILMER GAVE ME

THOSE.

HE WAS ICEMAN IN "TOP GUN."

>> Piper: [ GASPS ]

>> Trent: NO! ICEMAN!

>> IT MUST BE TOUGH BEING A

ROBOT.

>> [ WHIRRING ]

[ SPITS ]

>> Trent: SO, NONE OF US CRACKED

UNDER TORTURE.

>> Alphonse: I GUESS NONE OF US

IS THE MOLE.

MAYBE THE MOLE'S STILL INSIDE

NTSF.

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GONNA

HAVE TO WHACK...

A MOLE -- YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GUY-- THIS -- YOU RUINED

THESE FOR ME.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

>> Jessie: [ GASPS ]

>> SORRY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO FRIGHTEN YOU.

>> Jessie: OH, NO, IT'S FINE.

I JUST HAVEN'T HAD A VISITOR FOR

A COUPLE DAYS.

>> YOU'VE BEEN LOCKED IN HERE

ALL ALONE FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS?

>> Jessie: WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY

"LOCKED."

>> BUT THE DOOR WAS BOLTED FROM

THE OUTSIDE.

>> Jessie: YEAH.

>> WELL, FRIENDO, I SURE KNOW

WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING AN OUTCAST.

HEY, IF YOU'RE NOT BUSY, WOULD

YOU WANT TO COME OVER TO MY

HOUSE AND WATCH "THE BACHELOR"

WITH ME?

WE CAN MAKE JOKES ABOUT THE

PEOPLE ON THE SHOW DURING THE

COMMERCIAL BREAKS.

>> Jessie: I LOVE TALKING DURING

COMMERCIAL BREAKS!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> HEY, IS THAT LARPING GEAR?

>> Jessie: YES, IT IS.

>> UM, IS THAT A RECORDER?

>> Jessie: UH, DO YOU PLAY?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

YEAH!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> Alphonse: THE NTSF MAINFRAME

IS STRAIGHT AHEAD.

WE GOT COMPANY, THOUGH.

ONE GUARD.

>> Trent: ALL RIGHT.

FOLLOW MY LEAD.

>> [ GRUNTING ]

>> Alphonse: DAMN!

SECURITY LOCK!

>> Trent: MUST BE A RETINAL

SCANNER.

GOOD THING I HAVE AN "EYE-DEA."

[ GRUNTING ]

>> Piper: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> Trent: LOT OF EXTRA JUNK

CONNECTED TO THIS EYEBALL.

AAH!

>> Piper: THAT WAS FRANK.

HE ORGANIZES THE OFFICE

BIRTHDAY CAKES.

>> Trent: IT WORKED, DIDN'T IT?

>> RETINAL SCAN UNNECESSARY.

INSERT SECURITY CARD.

>> Trent: YEAH, THAT --

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S A CONFUSING -- IT'S A

CONFUSING MACHINE.

>> Alphonse: DAMN!

LASER SECURITY!

>> Piper: I GOT THIS.

[ DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ GRUNTS ] GIVE ME A SECOND.

WE'RE ALMOST THERE.

I'M IN!

>> Trent: ALL RIGHT. GREAT.

>> UM, EXCUSE ME.

WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?

YOU GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE

DISAVOWED.

>> Both: HEY, EDDIE...

>> OH, OKAY, NICE TRY. NO.

I AM NOT FALLING FOR THAT SEXY

STUFF AGAIN.

LAST TIME, YOU STOLE $2 MILLION

FROM ME, AND I GOT DEMOTED, AND

THEY DOCKED MY PAY.

SO I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO

RETIRE TILL I'M 165 YEARS OLD.

NO, THANK YOU.

I'M REPORTING THIS.

>> Trent: [ CLAPS ]

GREAT JOB, EDDIE. GREAT JOB.

YOU PASSED.

>> PASSED WHAT?

>> Trent: THE TEST.

THIS HAS ALL BEEN A TEST.

>> Alphonse: RIGHT, TO SEE IF

YOU WERE LOYAL.

AND YOU ARE.

>> Piper: YEAH.

YOU JUST GOT PROMOTED, EDDIE!

YAY!

>> SHUT UP.

>> Trent: NO.

>> A PROMOTION?

>> Trent: YEAH.

WE WANT YOU ON THE TEAM.

>> REALLY?

LIKE UNDERCOVER AND STUFF?

>> Trent: EXACTLY.

>> YES! I KNEW IT!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Trent: NOW, TELL ME.

BESIDES KOVE, WHO ELSE KNEW OUR

DROP POINT?

>> OH, UM -- OH, THAT'S EASY.

AGENT FITZPATRICK.

SHE'S BEEN MONITORING YOUR EVERY

MOVE FOR MONTHS NOW.

SO, YEAH, SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING

ABOUT YOU GUYS.

SHE IS SO COOL.

SHE PLAYS THE RECORDER, AND SHE

DOES THIS RENAISSANCE FAIRE

STUFF.

>> Trent: WAIT A SECOND.

RECORDER?

[ MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Alphonse: FITZPATRICK.

SHE SET US UP.

WE GOT TO TELL KOVE.

>> HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?

>> Trent: WHOA.

GREAT JOB, TEDDY.

>> OW! [ COUGHS ]

IT'S EDDIE.

COULD YOU CALL AN AMBULANCE?

>> Trent: NO TIME.

[ RECORDERS PLAYING ]

>> JESSIE, YOU SOUND AMAZING.

>> Jessie: YOU'RE MY BEST

FRIEND.

>> I'VE NEVER TRULY BEEN HAPPY

UNTIL THIS MOMENT.

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> Trent: LET GO OF THE LAB

GEEK, YOU I.A. DONKEY SPUNK.

>> Jessie: WAIT. YOU'RE I.A.?

I'LL NEVER GET CLEAN AGAIN!

>> BUT, JESSIE, I THOUGHT WE

WERE BFFs!

>> Piper: SO THAT'S IT?

THIS WAS ALL TO GET TO JESSIE?

>> NO!

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE A FRIEND.

ANY FRIEND.

NOBODY EVER GIVES US INTERNAL

AFFAIRS PEOPLE A CHANCE, AND I

THOUGHT WITH ALL THE COOL PEOPLE

OUT OF THE WAY, MAYBE ONE OF THE

WEIRD ONES WOULD BE MY FRIEND.

>> Kove: WAIT. I'M A WEIRD ONE?

>> Trent: NICE DREAM.

BUT YOU FORGOT ONE THING -- THEY

DON'T DREAM IN --

>> [ GRUNTS, GASPS ]

[ GROANS ]

>> Kove: OH, I'M SORRY.

WAS THAT "WEIRD" OF ME?

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

[ RECORDER PLAYS ]