Original subtitles

>> Piper: AND THAT BRINGS US TO

THE LOBSTER COBB SALAD, WHICH IS

$20.

WHO ORDERED THAT?

>> Alphonse: I DID, BUT THEY

LEFT MY BACON OFF, SO...

>> Piper: $20, ALPHONSE.

>> Alphonse: I DON'T CARRY CASH.

>> Piper: WELL, I'M GETTING

SEPARATE CHECKS FROM NOW ON.

>> Alphonse: FINE.

GET SEPARATE CHECKS.

>> Piper: YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING

ME -- YOU KNOW I'M IN A LOT OF

DEBT!

>> Alphonse: MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T

HAVE BOUGHT THAT CAR!

>> Trent: GUYS!

CAN WE STOP BICKERING ABOUT

LUNCH AND GO BACK TO TRYING TO

FIND THIS MISSING NUCLEAR --

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Piper: AN MRIV NUCLEAR

WARHEAD WENT MISSING FROM THE

FACILITY, BUT THERE'S NO SIGN OF

A BREAK-IN.

>> Trent: A NUCLEAR WEAPON?

WHAT WOULD SOMEONE WANT TO DO

WITH A NUCLEAR --

[ ELECTRICITY BUZZING ]

>> OH, GOOD. YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.

COME WITH US IF YOU WANT TO KEEP

IT THAT WAY.

>> Alphonse: WHO ARE YOU?

>> WE'RE THE TIME ANGELS.

>> A TIME-TRAVELING

ANTI-TERRORIST UNIT THAT TRAVELS

FROM THE FUTURE TO THE PAST TO

STOP CRIME.

>> WE'RE FROM THE FUTURE TO SAVE

YOUR PRESENT.

>> Trent: WAIT. WHAT?

>> WE'VE COME TO THE PAST TO

STOP TIME CRIMES THAT HAVEN'T

HAPPENED YET IN THE FUTURE --

AND NEVER WILL, IF WE CAN HELP

IT.

>> Trent: OKAY. I BUY IT.

>> IN THREE DAYS, SAN DIEGO WILL

BE NOTHING BUT A PILE OF NUCLEAR

RUBBLE.

>> Piper: THIS ALL SOUNDS GREAT.

I'M JUST WONDERING WHY YOU GUYS

WOULDN'T COME BACK EARLIER TO

GIVE US MORE TIME.

>> BECAUSE TIME IS LIKE A RUBBER

BAND.

YOU CAN ONLY STRETCH IT SO MUCH

BEFORE IT BREAKS.

>> Alphonse: GOT IT.

VERY CLEAR METAPHOR.

>> WHAT WE'RE ABOUT TO TELL YOU

HAS NEVER BEEN SHARED WITH A

PRESENT-ER.

LEONARDO DA VINCI, MASTER ARTIST

AND INVENTOR, ISN'T ALL HE'S

CRACKED UP TO BE.

HISTORY BOOKS WILL TELL YOU HE'S

A GENIUS WHO INVENTED THINGS

THAT WERE TRULY BEFORE HIS TIME.

BUT IN ACTUALITY, HE'S A MASTER

VILLAIN WHO CREATED A TIME

MACHINE SO HE COULD STEAL

FUTURISTIC INVENTIONS AND CLAIM

THEM AS HIS OWN, ALL BECAUSE HE

WAS SPURNED BY THE BEAUTIFUL

MONA LISA.

>> NORMALLY, WE'RE SUCCESSFUL IN

STOPPING HIM FROM DAMAGING

CIVILIZATION, BUT OTHER TIMES,

WE AREN'T.

THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION,

WOODSTOCK 2, THE CANCELLATION OF

"COMMUNITY."

>> Alphonse: WAIT A SECOND.

"COMMUNITY" HASN'T BEEN

CANCELED.

>> NOT YET.

>> WE HEAR DA VINCI'S WORKING

WITH A ZOOKEEPER HERE IN

SAN DIEGO.

>> Alphonse: LOOKS LIKE WE'RE

GOING TO THE ZOO.

>> Trent: JUST LIKE THAT

CAMERON CROWE MOVIE,

"JERRY MAGUIRE."

>> JUMP ON OUR TIME SLIDE.

WE'LL EXPLAIN THE REST WHEN WE

GET THERE.

[ ELECTRICITY BUZZING ]

>> TIME SLIDE!

>> TIME SLIDE!

>> WHEE!

>> WHEE!

[ ELECTRICITY BUZZING ]

>> Trent: LISTEN UP, YOU PIECE

OF FILTH.

WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

>> I ADMIT IT.

I PUT THE PEANUT BUTTER ON MY

BALLS AND LET THE ZEBRA LICK MY

DING-DONG.

I LOVE THAT ZEBRA.

[ Thinking ] I LOVED IT SINCE

THE DAY I MET HIM.

THE ZEBRA LOVES ME!

I WANT TO HAVE ZEBRA BABIES WITH

IT.

[ ZAP ]

>> HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH.

>> Piper: LISTEN TO THIS.

I THINK WE GOT THE WRONG

ZOOKEEPER.

>> THAT'S ME -- THE ZOOKEEPER.

AND WE GOT A SPECIAL GUEST ON

THE SHOW THIS MORNING -- A

NUCLEAR BOMB.

GUESS WHAT.

I'M GONNA BLOW IT UP RIGHT NOW.

>> Piper: AN MRIV NUCLEAR

WARHEAD WENT MISSING FROM THE

FACILITY, BUT THERE'S NO SIGN OF

A BREAK-IN.

>> Trent: A NUCLEAR WEAPON?

WHAT WOULD SOMEONE WANT TO DO

WITH A NUCLEAR WEAP--

[ ELECTRICITY BUZZING ]

>> OH, GOOD. YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.

COME WITH US IF YOU WANT TO KEEP

IT THAT WAY.

>> Alphonse: WHO ARE YOU?

>> UGH. WE'RE THE TIME ANGELS.

>> TRUST US.

WE'VE ALREADY EXPLAINED

EVERYTHING TO YOU.

>> YEAH.

WE DIDN'T GET IT RIGHT LAST

TIME, SO WE HAVE TO GO BACK.

>> SO JUST GET ON THE TIME

SLIDE.

>> Piper: OOH, WHAT'S A TIME

SLIDE?

>> PLEASE. DON'T.

WE BARELY TOLERATE YOU NOW.

[ ELECTRICITY BUZZING ]

>> Trent: I'VE MADE IT A POLICY

NEVER TO SAY NO TO SLIDES.

LET'S DO THIS.

>> Piper: OH, WOW.

THIS PLACE IS SO RETRO.

>> IT'S NOT RETRO.

IT'S ACTUALLY MODERN.

WELCOME TO THE '70s.

>> YEAH, DON'T BE SO DUMB.

>> THE ONLY WAY TO STOP THE

NUCLEAR DISASTER IN SAN DIEGO

IS BY KILLING THE FATHER OF THE

ZOOKEEPER THE DAY HE WAS

CONCEIVED.

>> IN EXTREME CASES, IT'S THE

ONLY WAY TO PREVENT AN ATTACK.

>> Alphonse: BUT YOU'RE KILLING

AN INNOCENT MAN.

WE CAN'T DO THIS.

NO! NO! NO!

>> DON'T WORRY. HE'LL BE FINE.

>> Trent: ALL RIGHT.

I'M OVER IT.

>> THE BICENTENNIAL PARADE IS

THIS WEEKEND.

>> HONEY, WHERE'D YOU PUT MY

CIGARETTES?

>> THEY'RE IN HERE.

>> THAT'S THE ZOOKEEPER'S

FATHER.

>> WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

>> Trent: WE CAME FROM HELL TO

TELL YOU WE HAVE ROOM FOR ONE

MORE.

[ GROANING ]

>> THE POISON WILL START MELTING

HIM FROM THE INSIDE OUT, THUS

PREVENTING THE BIRTH OF THE

ZOOKEEPER.

>> Piper: WE DID IT.

>> W DID IT.

>> [ SOBS ]

>> TIME SLIDE!

>> TIME SLIDE!

>> TIME SLIDE!

>> Trent: YOU HAVE A VERY

LOVELY...

HOME.

>> [ Crying ] THANK YOU.

>> Trent: WHAT THE HELL?

THIS PLACE IS LIKE AN

APOCALYPTIC WASTELAND.

>> DAMN. IT DIDN'T WORK.

THE WRONG PERSON LET US KILL

THEM.

>> Sam: TRENT?! IS THAT YOU?

PIPER!

HEY, WHERE'D YOU GUYS COME FROM?

THAT BLAST WAS INTENSE, RIGHT?

WAIT -- HOW COME YOU GUYS AREN'T

AS MESSED UP AS I AM?

>> Piper: 'CAUSE WE ESCAPED WITH

THE TIME ANGELS.

>> Sam: WHO?

>> Trent: WE DON'T HAVE TIME

TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

WE'LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU IN THE

PAST.

>> Sam: THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

>> Trent: DROP IT ALREADY.

WE NEED YOU TO BOOT UP S.A.M.

>> Sam: HE WAS DAMAGED IN THE

BLAST.

HE'S BARELY FUNCTIONING.

JUST TAKE ME.

>> Trent: WE'LL TAKE OUR CHANCES

ON S.A.M.

>> Sam: HE'S NOT FUNCTIONING.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?

>> Trent: WE'LL DOUBLE DOWN ON

THE S.A.M. THING.

>> Piper: S.A.M.?

>> Sam: OKAY, HE'S JUST FULL-ON

NOT FUNCTIONING.

>> Trent: START OVER FROM THE

TOP.

WE DON'T NEED YOU.

WE WANT THE ROBOT.

>> Sam: IT'S A ROBOT.

I'M A HUMAN. I'M BETTER.

>> Trent: I THINK I WASN'T BEING

CLEAR.

GET S.A.M.

EVEN A BROKE VERSION OF THAT

WOULD BE BETTER THAN YOU.

A BROKEN ROBOT.

>> Sam: YEAH, I GET IT.

THIS SHOULD WORK.

[ WHIRRING ]

>> HOW MAY I HELP YOU?

>> Trent: WHEN DID THE

ZOOKEEPER'S FATHER DIE?

>> MY RECORDS SHOW THAT HE IS

STILL ALIVE.

HOWEVER, HIS STEPFATHER WAS

KILLED BY A MAN AND THREE

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

>> Piper: I THINK YOU MEAN FOUR

BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

>> THREE.

>> SHOOT.

NOW WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO BACK

AND KILL THE MOTHER.

[ ELECTRICITY BUZZING ]

>> Sam: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT

THING?

>> Trent: I TOLD YOU. DROP IT.

>> TIME SLIDE!

>> TIME SLIDE!

>> Piper: TIME SLIDE! WAIT.

>> Sam: TIME SLIDE?

WHAT'S A TIME SLIDE?

>> Trent: WHAT'S A TI--

HOW THEY TRAVEL THROUGH TIME.

BUDDY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

>> Sam: WHOA.

THIS PLACE IS SUPER RETRO.

>> Trent: IT'S MODERN.

>> Piper: YEAH, WHY ARE YOU

ACTING SO DUMB?

>> ACCORDING TO MY RESEARCH, THE

ZOOKEEPER'S MOTHER EVENTUALLY

BECOMES THE FIRST FEMALE

PRESIDENT.

WE CAN'T KILL HER.

IT'LL CHANGE HISTORY.

>> Trent: I DON'T CARE ABOUT

FEMALE PRESIDENTS.

I CARE ABOUT SAN DIEGO.

I SAY WE KILL HER.

[ ELECTRICITY BUZZING ]

>> DA VINCI!

>> DA VINCI!

>> CIAO, TIME ANGELS.

I'M SORRY I CAN'T STAY.

I HAVE A MOTHER TO KIDNAP AND

A LAVA LAMP TO INVENT.

>> WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING IN

MY HOUSE?

LEONARDO DA VINCI?

[ SCREAMS ]

>> DAMN IT!

>> WE GOT TO FOLLOW HIS TIME

SIGNATURE WHILE IT'S STILL

FRESH.

>> Sam: SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL

IS GOING ON HERE?

>> All: TIME SLIDE!

>> Sam: WAIT.

HELLO?

THOSE THINGS ONLY LAST FOR A

SECOND?

COME ON!

>> THERE HE IS!

>> Trent: FREEZE!

>> HOWDY, PARTNERS!

I'M AFRAID THIS IS THE "NO.K."

CORRAL, BECAUSE I'M NOT COMING

WITH YOU TODAY.

[ ELECTRICITY BUZZES ]

>> DAMN.

>> HE GAVE US THE SLIP.

>> LET'S FOLLOW HIS TIME

SIGNATURE.

>> HOW ABOUT WE JUMP BACK TWICE?

THAT WAY WE'LL BEAT HIM

BACKWARDS IN TIME AND BE WAITING

FOR HIM WHEN HE ARRIVES.

>> Piper: AND HOW WILL WE KNOW

WHAT YEAR HE'S GONNA BE IN?

>> ANYONE WHO'S NOT A TIME

ANGEL NEEDS TO SHUT UP.

>> Piper: YEAH, YOU GUYS.

[ BELL TOLLING ]

>> NOW WE WAIT.

[ ELECTRICITY BUZZING ]

>> WE GOT HIM.

>> TIME FREEZE!

NO ONE CAN TIME-JUMP FOR

120 SECONDS.

>> IF IT'S A FIGHT YOU WANT,

IT'S A FIGHT YOU'LL GET.

PRETTY COOL!

I INVENTED IT MYSELF.

I INVENTED MOST OF EVERYTHING.

BUT MY MONA LISA, SHE COULD CARE

LESS.

>> Trent: HEY, BUDDY.

GET OVER IT, OKAY?

SHE DUMPED YOU YEARS AGO.

>> YES, BUT FOR ME IT HAPPENED

YESTERDAY.

>> Trent: HEY, MAN, I DON'T LIKE

HISTORY, UNLESS I'M MAKING IT.

>> OH, THANK GOD! YOU SAVED ME!

[ GASPS ]

>> PERFECT. SHE'S DEAD!

>> YES!

>> WHOO!

>> Piper: WHOO!

>> [ COUGHS ]

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

>> AAH!

>> MONA LISA?

>> MONA LISA?

>> THE LEADER OF THE TIME

ANGELS.

>> I ALWAYS HATED THAT PAINTING!

IT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE

ME!

>> Trent: ARRIVA-DA-VINCI.

>> WAIT!

YOU CAN'T KILL DA VINCI.

HE INVENTED THE TIME SLIDE.

IF YOU KILL HIM, NONE OF US WILL

EVER EXIST.

>> Piper: COULD YOU JUST EXPLAIN

THE LOGIC OF THAT TO ME REAL

QUICK?

>> OH, I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T KNOW WE RECRUITED A NEW

TIME ANGEL.

YOU WANT TO TELL US EVERYTHING

ABOUT TIME?

BE MY GUEST.

>> Trent: SO, WHAT, YOU JUST

CHASE THIS GUY AROUND FOREVER?

>> WELL, USUALLY, WE PUT HIM IN

TIME JAIL.

>> BUT HE ALWAYS ESCAPES.

>> EVERY TIME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHO IS THIS BITCH?

>> Piper: PIPER FERGUSON.

>> Trent: YEAH. I KNOW.

WOW.

IT'S LIKE NOTHING EVER CHANGED.

>> Piper: WHAT ABOUT SAM?

>> Sam: I'M STILL HERE.

I'VE BEEN WAITING 35 YEARS TO

SOCK YOU!

>> Trent: WHOA. WAIT.

WHOA, BUDDY.

WHOA, WHOA!

HEY, HEY.

>> Sam: WHOA.

WHY DID I JUST TRY TO SOCK YOU?

WHY ARE MY JOINTS SORE?

>> Trent: IT'D TAKE TOO MUCH

TIME TO EXPLAIN.

>> Piper: MAN, I MISS THOSE

TIME ANGELS.

THOSE GIRLS WERE NICE.

>> Trent: YEAH.

IF THEY HAD WEEKLY ADVENTURES I

COULD WATCH OR DVR, I WOULD DO

IT IN A HEARTBEAT.

WHERE'S, UH, ALPHONSE?

>> Sam: WHO THE HELL IS

ALPHONSE?

>> Alphonse: HELLO?!

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

>> [ SCREECHING ]

>> Alphonse: THANK GOD.

STILL IN SAN DIEGO.

>> COMING NEXT FALL TO

[adult swim]...

>> LISTEN UP, ANGELS.

THE BAD NEWS IS THERE'S A

TERRORIST IN TIME CITY.

THE WORSE NEWS IS, HE'S A

DINOSAUR.

>> BACK OFF, HITLER.

BILL GATES IS COMING WITH US!

>> BUT THAT WOULD MAKE ME...

MY OWN GRANDDAUGHTER.

>> MY WORST PLAN IS YET TO COME,

AND IT'S ALREADY HAPPENED.

>> WHEN THE CRIME IS TIME, IT'S

TIME FOR TIME ANGELS.

>> TIME SLIDES WHEN YOU'RE

HAVING FUN.