Original subtitles

>> MARY, IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.

YOU MUST GO.

>> NO, FRANKENSTEIN.

IF I AM TO DIE, LET IT BE BY

YOUR SIDE.

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> [ GROANS ]

>> I TOLD YOU, FRANKENSTEIN,

THERE IS NO PLACE YOU CAN HIDE

THAT I WILL NOT FIND YOU.

>> OH, MARY.

>> [ GASPS ]

>> MY HEART MAY FIRST HAVE BEEN

STOLEN FROM A CORPSE, BUT NOW

IT IS STOLEN AGAIN...BY YOU.

>> CUT!

[ BELL RINGS ]

>> WHAT'S THAT, MAN?!

YOU CALL THAT BEING SHOT?!

I DON'T WANT THAT.

I'VE SEEN BETTER BULLET WOUNDS

IN A SIXTH-GRADE PRODUCTION OF

"WIZARD OF OZ"!

YOU'VE JUST BEEN SHOT!!

YOU'RE DYING!

IT'S THE SECOND TIME YOU'VE

DIED!

SO THAT'S ALL IN THERE!

I WANT TO SEE ALL THAT, AND THEN

I WANT YOU TO REALLY TASTE IN

YOUR MOUTH ALL OF LIFE'S

IRONIES.

FOR THE FIRST TIME, IT MAKES

SENSE TO YOU.

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN, ALL --

[ SILENCED GUNSHOT ]

[ GROANS ]

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

I'VE BEEN SHOT.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

[ Strained ] OH, BURNING!

SEE? THIS IS HOW YOU GET SHOT.

END...SCENE.

>> WAIT. I --

HE'S ACTUALLY BEEN SHOT!

>> [ British accent ] OOH.

I MEAN, THAT WAS REALLY GOOD

ACTING.

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Kove: THIS IS THE FIFTH

DIRECTOR WHO'S BEEN KILLED WHILE

SHOOTING THE SEQUEL TO "STEIN."

PRODUCTION IS SHUT DOWN AGAIN,

AND IF THIS KEEPS UP, THE FILM

WILL NEVER MAKE ITS TENT-POLE

POSITION AS THE FIRST

BLOCKBUSTER OF NEXT SUMMER.

>> Jessie: PERSONALLY, I THINK

THE BOOKS ARE BETTER THAN THE

MOVIES.

TRENT, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

>> Trent: I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE NEVER SEEN A MOVIE.

IN FACT, I HATE 'EM.

THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR BOOKS.

>> Piper: SHOULDN'T WE BE

CONCERNING OURSELVES WITH THE

REAL TERRORIST THREATS?

>> Kove: WATCH YOUR MOUTH!

AN ATTACK ON THE SAN DIEGO

ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY IS MORE

DIRE THAN A NUCLEAR BOMBING OR

MASS GENOCIDE.

FIRST, THE DIRECTORS ARE KILLED.

THEN, THE MOVIE BUSINESS MOVES

UP THE COAST TO SACRAMENTO.

WITHOUT THE MOVIE OR TV

INDUSTRY, SAN DIEGO WILL BECOME

DRIED UP LIKE A DEAD DOG.

MAKE NO MISTAKE, WE'RE DEALING

WITH A FULL-FLEDGED FILM

TERRORIST WHO WILL STOP AT

NOTHING TO PREVENT THE FANS OF

THESE GRAPHIC-NOVELS-TURNED-

NOVELS-TURNED-FILMS-TURNED-

REBOOTS FROM SEEING THE

COMPLETION OF THE FILM THEY

COULD SO EASILY READ, BUT SO

DESPERATELY WANT TO SEE.

>> Jessie: WOW!

YOU SHOULD POST ON MY "STEIN"

FANSITE.

YOU'RE SO PASSIONATE AND

OPINIONATED.

>> Kove: INDEED I AM, JESSIE,

WHICH YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU

LISTENED TO MY PODCAST.

WE JUST GOT NEW MERCH IN MY

ONLINE SHOP.

>> Jessie: YOU'RE STILL DOING

THAT INTERVIEW SHOW?

>> Kove: IT'S NOT JUST AN

INTERVIEW SHOW -- IT'S A

SPOTLIGHT INTO THE INNER LIVES

OF A-LIST CELEBS.

BUT WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT

MAKE?

WITH THE MOVIE BUSINESS OUT OF

SAN DIEGO, I'LL NEVER GET MY

PRIMO GUESTS.

I'LL BE LEFT INTERVIEWING LOSERS

LIKE YOU.

>> Alphonse: [ SIGHS ]

>> Jessie: YOU GUYS, IT'S OKAY.

SHE MEANT ME.

>> All: OH! PHEW!

>> Jessie: FORENSICS SHOWS THAT

THIS BULLET MATCHES THE OTHER

FOUR BULLETS FROM THE "STEIN"

KILLINGS, AND THIS SPECIFIC

BULLET IS MANUFACTURED AND

SOLD IN ONLY ONE STORE IN

SAN DIEGO'S BRITISH DISTRICT.

>> Piper: HOW LONG HAVE YOU

KNOWN ABOUT THIS?

>> Jessie: COUPLE OF WEEKS, BUT

I WAITED UNTIL THE FIFTH KILLING

JUST TO MAKE SURE THERE WAS A

CONNECTION.

>> Trent: STUPID BRITS.

STILL HAVEN'T FORGIVEN US FOR

STEALING "THE OFFICE" AND MAKING

IT BETTER.

>> Alphonse: [ SCOFFS ]

>> Trent: [ SCOFFS ]

>> Piper: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

>> Trent: BRITISH DISTRICT.

>> Alphonse: TIME TO CRACK SOME

FISH AND CHIPS.

>> Trent: AND PAY FOR IT...IN

POUNDS.

>> Piper: YIKES.

>> Kove: TRENT, ALPHONSE, YOU

HAVE A RIDE-ALONG.

>> Trent: NO.

WE RIDE SOLO -- JUST THE TWO OF

US.

>> Kove: PERHAPS YOU'LL CHANGE

YOUR MIND WHEN YOU HEAR IT'S

ALISTAIR McQUEEN.

>> Trent: OH, GOD.

>> Alphonse: WHOA! HUGE FAN!

YOU'RE A REALLY GOOD ACTOR, LIKE

A MODERN-DAY

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT.

>> OH, THANK YOU.

>> Alphonse: WHAT'S YOUR NEXT

ROLE?

ARE YOU GONNA BE IN THAT

"HELL COP" MOVIE?

>> UH, NO.

IT'S -- IT'S -- IT'S THIS GRITTY

INDIE.

I PLAY AN NTSF AGENT WITH

SOCIOPATHIC TENDENCIES AND AN

INFLATED EGO.

>> Trent: DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.

TALKIES ARE A FAD, OKAY?

TRUST ME.

MOVIES AREN'T GONNA BE AROUND

TOO MUCH LONGER.

>> Alphonse: WHY DON'T YOU USE

ME AS YOUR MUSE?

I CAN TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU

NEED TO KNOW.

FOR EXAMPLE, THE ONE THING THAT

EVERY NTSF AGENT HAS TO REMEMBER

IS THAT HE NEEDS TO MAINTAIN

GOOD POSTURE, BECAUSE WITH

GOOD POSTURE --

>> NO. NO, I DISAGREE.

I THINK YOU SHOULD BE SLUMPED

OVER, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOUR INTERNAL CONFLICT IS

WEIGHING YOU DOWN.

AM I A GOOD COP OR AM I A BAD

ONE?

IT'S LIKE -- IT'S LIKE, YOU'VE

MURDERED PROSTITUTES IN

METH-FUELED RAGES...BUT YOU'VE

ALSO BROUGHT THEM TURKEY DINNERS

ON THANKSGIVING...AND THEN HAD

SEX WITH THEM.

>> Alphonse: I, UH, NEVER

THOUGHT OF IT LIKE THAT.

>> YEAH, YOU FLIP IT, MAN.

>> Alphonse: GET MY SLUMP ON.

>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL WHEN YOU

CHANGE.

>> Trent: YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS.

GET YOUR SLUMP OFF.

>> Piper: KOVE WANTS US TO

REVIEW THE CRIME-SCENE PHOTOS.

WHOA, WHAT'S THAT?

>> Jessie: I'M GLAD YOU ASKED.

I CALL IT "THE HUMAN CAMERA."

DID YOU KNOW THE EYEBALL

IS THE MOST EFFECTIVE RECORDING

DEVICE WE HAVE, AND AFTER DEATH,

YOU CAN PLAY AN EYEBALL LIKE A

DVD?

>> Piper: I THOUGHT SCIENTISTS

DISPROVED THAT THEORY.

>> Jessie: NOPE.

[ BEEP ]

[ HEAD WHIRS ]

>> Piper: LOOK AT THAT.

>> Jessie: PRETTY COOL, ISN'T

IT?

I'M ALWAYS COMIN' UP WITH STUFF

LIKE THIS.

I THINK THAT'S THE BENEFIT OF

BEING FRIENDS WITH ME.

>> Piper: SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT

UP.

I MEANT, LOOK AT THAT.

I THINK I JUST FOUND OUR

SHOOTER.

>> Jessie: YOU MEAN WE DID.

>> Piper: SHUT UP.

COMMANDER KOVE, WE FOUND THE

SHOOTER.

>> Kove: AH, LOOK WHO IT IS.

HEY, EVERYONE, YOU ARE LISTENING

TO UNDER KOVER.

I MAY BE NTSF, BUT I'M STILL

N...S...F...W.

>> NSFW!

>> Kove: LET'S GET RIGHT INTO

IT.

I'M JEALOUS OF YOU.

THAT'S WHY I'M ALWAYS PUTTING

YOU ON THE DANGEROUS

ASSIGNMENTS, HOPING YOU GET

KILLED.

BUT THAT'S ME. I'M WEIRD.

YOU AND I HAVE A BEEF.

>> Trent: STUPID BRITS.

PLACE IS CLOSED FOR TEA TIME.

I'M GONNA STAKE IT OUT.

GET COMFY. I'LL BE AROUND BACK.

>> Alphonse: OKAY.

YOU WANT A SODA?

>> WHAT? NO!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

NO, I DON'T WANT A SODA.

YOU WOULD NEVER DRINK A SODA.

YOU WOULD DRINK A COCONUT WATER.

>> Alphonse: YES! THANK YOU.

SORRY.

>> DON'T BE SORRY.

BE IN THE MOMENT. THINK.

>> Trent: [ SCOFFS ]

NEVER SEE WHAT PEOPLE GET OUT OF

THESE "MOVIES."

ESCAPIST HOOEY, IF YOU ASK ME.

>> I'D SAY I'D DISAGREE.

[ THUD ]

>> Piper: [ Voice breaking ] I

DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, MAYBE IT WAS...MY

PARENTS' DIVORCE.

IS DIVORCE --

>> Kove: DIVORCE IS THE NEW

CHILD ABUSE.

>> Piper: NO, IT IS!

>> Kove: KNOW WHAT ELSE IS

ABUSIVE?

BUYING YOUR STAMPS AT THE POST

OFFICE.

WITH A SPECIAL OFFER, YOU NOW

GET YOUR STAMPS AT stampman.biz.

MENTION THE COUPON CODE "KOVE."

OKAY. WOW!

THIS IS TOUGH STUFF.

>> Jessie: KOVE?

>> Kove: HEY!

IT'S THE NTSF LAB GEEK,

EVERYONE!

JESSIE, COME IN HERE AND TELL US

ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD.

>> Jessie: I WAS...THE PRODUCT

OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL AMISH

UPBRINGING.

>> Piper: OH, GOD.

>> Kove: YOU'RE VERY BRAVE.

>> [ American accent ] THIS IS

BAD.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THIS.

[ CRACK ]

[ British accent ] OH!

WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

NO ONE'S EVER GONNA

BELIEVE THEM.

YOU'RE ALISTAIR McQUEEN,

HOLLYWOOD'S HUNKY GOLDEN BOY.

>> Alphonse: WE GOT A REAL

GOLLUM/SMEAGOL SITUATION POPPIN'

OFF HERE.

HEY, WEIRDO!

WHY'D YOU KILL ALL THOSE

DIRECTORS?

>> I HAD TO.

I WAS AFRAID IF THEY EVER

FINISHED THE FILM, I'D

NEVER WORK AGAIN.

ALL MY NON-"STEIN" FILMS HAVE

BEEN FAILURES --

"MISSION TO MARGE,"

"SLOWLY BUT SURELY."

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT

"MOOKIE"!

>> Trent: SO HOW MANY DIRECTORS

WERE YOU GONNA KILL?

>> AS MANY AS IT TOOK TO KEEP

THE SHOOT GOING.

[ CRACK ]

AHH.

[ American accent ] TRUTHFULLY,

I WAS SHOCKED AFTER THE FOURTH

KILLING THAT ANOTHER DIRECTOR

SIGNED UP FOR THE PROJECT.

[ Chuckling ] I MEAN, YOU GOTTA

BE SOME KIND OF IDIOT.

>> Trent: SO NOT ONLY WERE YOU

GONNA KILL HOLLYWOOD'S BEST AND

BRIGHTEST DIRECTORS, BUT YOU

ALSO WERE GONNA KILL THE

TV-AND-MOVIE BUSINESS OF

SAN DIEGO.

YOU A A TRUE TERRORIST.

[ CRACK ]

>> [ British accent ] I'M A

TERRORIST?

I'M A BAD GU-- I'M NOT A BAD

GUY!

YOU'RE A BAD GUY!

HOW HAVE YOU NOT SEEN ANY OF MY

FILMS?

WHAT DO YOU TALK ABOUT WITH

YOUR FRIENDS?

TELL ME!

[ CLANG ]

>> Trent: [ GROANS ]

[ CRACK ]

>> [ GROANING ]

[ American accent ] ALPHONSE,

THIS IS CRAZY.

I'M TERRIFIED.

IF YOU WANT TO STOP ME, YOU HAVE

GOT TO ACT.

YOU HAVE GOT TO EMBODY THE ROLE

OF A GOOD NTSF AGENT.

>> Alphonse: BUT HOW?

>> USE THE ACTOR'S BREATHING

EXERCISE THAT WE WORKED ON TO

SHIFT FREE OF THOSE ROPE

BINDINGS.

>> Alphonse: [ BREATHING

DEEPLY ]

>> YOU CAN DO IT. GOOD, GOOD.

[ CRACK ]

[ GRUNTS ]

[ British accent ] WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?!

>> Alphonse: UH, NOTHIN'!

JUST MOVIN' AROUND.

I GOT HEMORRHOIDS.

>> [ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

[ CRACK ]

[ American accent ] THAT WAS

EXCELLENT!

WHAT A GREAT COVER!

YOU USED IMPROVISATION THERE!

WE DIDN'T EVEN WORK ON THAT!

OKAY, NOW I NEED YOU TO USE

YOUR "AS-IF" AND SURPRISE PUNCH

ME WITH A LEFT HOOK.

COME ON, DO IT.

COME ON, ALPHONSE.

YOU CAN DO IT.

YEAH, YOU GOT IT.

>> Alphonse: TAKE THAT, DAD!

[ BOTH GRUNT ]

>> OKAY, MY WEAKNESS IS MY

KNEES!

TAKE OUT MY KNEES!

MY WEAKNESS! MY KNEES!

[ BOTH SCREAM ]

ALPHONSE, YOU'RE DOIN' A

GREAT JOB.

OKAY, NOW CUFF ME.

OH, WAIT. NO, NO, NO.

USE THE ROPES.

IT'S MORE DRAMATIC.

>> Alphonse: YEAH, YEAH.

>> YOU'RE SO IN THE MOMENT RIGHT

NOW!

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!

>> Alphonse: THANK YOU.

YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR THE

MURDERS OF THE DIRECTORS OF

"STEIN"!

[ PANTING ]

END SCENE!

[ CRACK ]

[ British accent ] SCREW YOU,

MAN!

[ CRACK ]

[ American accent ] THANK YOU.

>> WHY? WHY ME?

THEY SHOULD HAVE LEFT ME FOR

DEAD.

>> YOU ARE A MONSTER...BUT THE

MONSTER I LOVE.

>> Kove: EXCUSE ME.

WHICH WAY TO THE CAMPSITE?

>> IT'S THAT WAY.

>> CUT!

[ BELL RINGS ]

>> Trent: SO, THAT'S A MOVIE?

[ SCOFFS ]

I'M NOT IMPRESSED.

THAT GUY SHOULD BE IN JAIL.

>> Piper: UNFORTUNATELY,

CALIFORNIA LAW CLEARLY STATES

THAT MOVIE STARS CAN'T GO TO

JAIL UNTIL THEIR CURRENT

PROJECTS ARE IN THE CAN.

>> Alphonse: PLUS, KOVE AGREED

TO KEEP IT ON THE HUSH-HUSH IF

SHE COULD GET A WALK-ON ROLE IN

THE MOVIE, AND ALISTAIR AGREED

TO BE ON HER PODCAST.

I KNOW YOU GUYS THINK HE'S A BAD

DUDE, BUT HE TAUGHT ME A LOT

ABOUT WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE AN

NTSF:SD:SUV:: AGENT.

>> Trent: YOU ARE AN

NTSF:SD:SUV:: AGENT.

>> Alphonse: I AM NOW.

>> Kove: [ Laughing ] ALL RIGHT.

NOW THAT WE'RE OFF THE AIR, I'VE

BEEN MEANING TO ASK, HOW

WERE YOU ABLE TO ACT AND TO

SHOOT THE DIRECTORS AT THE SAME

TIME?

>> Piper: KOVE, I FORGOT TO

TELL YOU, I FIGURED IT OUT.

ALISTAIR NOT ONLY HAS TWO

PERSONALITIES -- HE ALSO HAS

THREE HANDS.

>> IT'S MY BLESSING...AND MY

CURSE.

>> Kove: [ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Kove: OH, CALL THEM A

BLESSING!

>> [ Chuckling ] YEAH!

>> Trent: NOW, THAT'S A MOVIE.

>> COMING THIS FALL TO

[adult swim] THE HIGHLY

ANTICIPATED TV SHOW BASED ON

THE GRAPHIC-NOVELS-TURNED-

BEST-SELLING-NOVELLAS-TURNED

MOTION-PICTURE-TURNED-

MINISERIES.

>> COULD YOU EVER LOVE

SOMEONE...AS HIDEOUS AS ME?

>> YES.

>> HOW COULD YOU LOVE HIM?

HE'S DEAD.

>> HE'S RE-ANIMATED.

>> BUT I'M UN-RE-ANIMATED.

WANT HIM DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!

>> FIRE! MY ONLY WEAKNESS!

[ GROANS ]

>> "STEIN" -- PART TWO OF

THREE.