Original subtitles

>> Kove: THE LAST 24 HOURS WITH

YOU HAVE BEEN A SEX-O-SPIRITUAL

WHIRLWIND, RABBI ERIC.

>> FOR ME, TOO, KOVE.

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE AFTERNOON

DELIGHT?

>> Kove: BUT IT'S THE SABBATH.

WE REALLY SHOULDN'T.

>> WELL, LET'S NOT FORGET THE

STORY OF HILLEL THE BUTCHER.

HE, TOO, FACED SUCH A DILEMMA.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> Kove: HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

KOVE HERE, AND THIS BETTER BE

IMPORTANT.

>> [ Distorted voice ] San Diego

is about to become "No Diego."

>> Kove: WHO IS THIS?

>> You have 20 minutes to get to

NTSF:SD:SUV:: if you want to

save your beloved city from

ultimate destruction.

>> Kove: BUT IT'S SATURDAY.

>> Are you Jewish?

>> Kove: I PRACTICE KABBALAH.

>> Doesn't count.

Get to NTSF in 20 minutes.

[ Click ]

>> SO, HOW ABOUT THAT QUICKIE?

>> Kove: I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE

MINUTES.

>> I'LL DO IT IN FOUR.

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Piper: THIS IS SO

EMBARRASSING.

I'M NOT DRESSED FOR WORK.

>> Trent: YEAH, ME EITHER.

WHOA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE DARK?

>> Kove: THANK GOD YOU ARRIVED.

I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE IN THE

DARKNESS FOR THE LAST 15

MINUTES.

AS YOU KNOW, MY RECENTLY ADOPTED

JEWISH FAITH FORBIDS ANY WORK ON

THE SABBATH.

>> Piper: OH, YEAH. RIGHT.

>> Kove: SAM, SHABBAT SHALOM.

>> Sam: SHABBAT SHALOM.

>> Trent: YOU LOOK LIKE HELL.

WHAT, DID YOU SLEEP ON THE FLOOR

OF A KFC/TACO BELL/PIZZA HUT?

>> Trent: BROKE UP WITH MY

GIRLFRIEND YESTERDAY.

NOT FEELING SO HOT.

>> Piper: AWW, DID SHE TAKE IT

BADLY?

>> Trent: I DON'T KNOW YET.

SHE HASN'T RESPONDED TO MY

E-MAIL.

>> Piper: YOU BROKE UP WITH HER

BY E-MAIL?

>> Trent: WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

WHEN I DUMP SOMEONE, I JUST SEND

THEM A TEXT WITH A THUMBS-DOWN

EMOJI.

>> Kove: IS THAT WHAT THAT TEXT

MEANT?

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

THIS IS IT, PEOPLE.

WOULD SOMEONE ACTIVATE THE

HOLO-PHONE?

SABBATH.

>> Trent: [ SCOFFS ]

>> Piper: HOLO-PHONE, ACTIVATE.

>> You throw away the outsides

and cook the insides.

Then you eat the outsides and

throw away the insides.

What did you eat?

It's corn.

>> Trent: WAIT, WHAT?

GIVE US A SECOND HERE. COME ON.

>> You'll have to be faster than

that, NTSF, if you plan on

saving San Diego.

I will be contacting you with a

series of tasks and riddles to

complete and solve.

>> Trent: WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU, I

LIKE TASKS AND RIDDLES.

>> Oh, no.

These challenges aren't for you,

Agent Hauser.

They're for Sam.

>> Sam: HUH? WHAT? ME, SAM?

>> He must complete them alone.

If any NTSF agents follow him, I

will detonate a warhead.

Have I made myself clear?

>> Kove: YOU COULDN'T BE MORE

CLEAR IF YOU WERE KATY PERRY'S

SKIN IN A PROACTIV COMMERCIAL.

>> Excellent.

If April showers bring May

flowers, what to do May flowers

bring?

[ ALL MUTTERING ]

>> Trent: MAY IS THE FIFTH

MONTH.

>> The answer is "Pilgrims."

>> Sam: YOU GOT TO GIVE US A

SECOND.

>> Piper: IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T

WANT US TO ANSWER.

>> You're my pilgrim, Sam.

Now, drive your Mayflower to the

San Diego Botanical Gardens'

annual plant sale and retrieve

the rare Chinese Vanda Orchid,

but there's a catch.

>> WHAT THE [BLEEP]

>> Sam: I'M...SORRY.

THIS ISN'T...

[ POT SHATTERS ]

>> THAT IS FOR THE

COUNTESS OF GRANTHAM.

>> Sam: NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE

TALKING ABOUT.

I DON'T EVEN WATCH

"DOWNTOWN ABBEY."

>> [ SCOFFS ]

IT'S "DOWNTON."

GET OUT!

>> Sam: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I'M SAVING YOUR LIVES HERE.

>> SAVE THIS!

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> Did you enjoy the flower

show, Sam?

>> Sam: UH, I HATE THAT PLACE.

MY GIRLFRIEND, JOANIE, MADE ME

GO EVERY YEAR.

>> Interesting.

Tell me more about this

girlfriend, Sam.

>> Sam: WE'RE KIND OF ON THE --

WAIT, DID YOU KIDNAP HER?

>> There were four brothers from

an island long -- each tall and

some wide.

One took awards, the other God's

side.

One is in rehab.

One's much too shy.

Who are these four brothers?

Name them, say I.

>> Sam: TRENT, PIPER, DID YOU

GUYS HEAR ALL THAT?

>> Piper: GIVE US A MINUTE.

TRENT IS LOGGING IN TO THE

DATABASE NOW.

>> Sam: TRENT?!

He doesn't know anything about

computers.

>> Trent: NOW, WHAT'S A

"PASSWORD"?

>> Kove: I THINK WE COULD USE

SOME EXTRA-SENSORY HELP.

LET'S CONSULT THE PRE-COG.

[ SIGHS ]

PIPER.

DOOR.

>> Alphonse: [ GASPS ]

OH, UH...

>> Piper: WOW.

>> Alphonse: JUST MAKING SURE

THAT HER TUBES WERE CONNECTED

RIGHT.

>> I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT THEY

WERE.

>> Alphonse: IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN

AGAIN.

>> OH, YES, IT WILL.

>> Sam: You got an answer?

>> Trent: I'M WORKING ON IT.

>> Sam: Okay, forget it.

>> Only 10 seconds left.

>> Sam: GIVE ME A SECOND.

FOUR BROTHERS...ONE OF THEM HAS

AN AWARD.

THE OTHER ONE IS FRIENDS WITH

GOD.

>> 3...2...

>> Sam: I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

THE BALDWIN BROTHERS -- ALEC,

SAMUEL...DAVID...AND W-WILLIS.

>> Uh...yeah.

[ Sighs ]

Close enough.

Now, drive to

Baldwin's Restaurant.

>> Sam: ALL RIGHT.

>> Piper: SO, YOU AND THE

PRE-COG, HUH?

DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.

DO YOU GUYS GET IT?

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE SHE'S A

PSYCHIC.

THAT'S WHY IT'S FUNNY.

>> Kove: WE NEED YOUR HELP.

LISTEN TO THIS RIDDLE.

THERE WERE FOUR BROTHERS --

>> I'M A PRE-COG, NOT A RIDDLE

MASTER.

WHY DON'T YOU SOLVE IT YOURSELF?

>> Kove: WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

>> [ GASPS ]

I SEE THE END OF THE WORLD --

BURNING OCEANS, RAIN OF FIRE,

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DYING.

BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?

>> Kove: MESHUGGANAH.

COME ON, PIPER.

>> Piper: DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE

COMING.

>> I'M SORRY, SIR, WHERE DO YOU

THINK YOU'RE GOING?

>> Sam: I DON'T HAVE TIME TO

EXPLAIN, BUT IF YOU MUST KNOW, I

HAVE TO STOP A PROPOSAL, FIND A

VERY SPECIFIC ENGAGEMENT RING,

AND BRING IT TO A MADMAN WHO IS

THREATENING TO BLOW UP

SAN DIEGO.

>> OKAY, IF YOU DON'T HAVE A

RESERVATION, SIR, THERE'S

NOTHING I CAN DO.

>> OH, MY GOD.

YES!

>> Sam: WHAT IS GOING ON?

>> IT'S SATURDAY.

EVERYONE PROPOSES AT BALDWIN'S

ON SATURDAY.

YOU WILL NEVER FIND THE SPECIFIC

ENGAGEMENT RING YOU'RE LOOKING

FOR.

NICE OUTFIT.

WHERE'D YOU BUY IT?

A T.J.MAXX/dressbarn/Kmart?

>> Sam: IS EVERY MAîTRE D' A

DICK?

>> PSH, YEAH.

IT'S PART OF OUR JOB, SIR.

SIR? SIR?

>> Sam: I DID IT.

I GOT THE RINGS.

>> Time for another riddle.

Once there was a heron --

[ Beep ]

>> Sam: HELLO?

YEAH, HELLO?

>> Hello?

I think we were cut off.

Now, as I was saying, there was

a her--

>> Sam: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH

THESE CALLS?

Trent?

[ Pulsating tone ]

Hello?

[ Pulsating tone continues ]

>> If you have to make a call...

>> Trent: HELLO?

>> ...please hang up and try

again.

>> Trent: HELLO?

DAMN THESE CONFERENCE CALLS!

I CAN'T MERGE THESE LINES.

IT'S AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK!

[ Beep ]

>> Sam: HELLO?

>> Hello?

I'll make this quick because of

the phone situation.

Just go to Nip's Tux.

Get a vintage tuxedo and cut

that hair.

>> Sam: CUT THAT HAIR?

SO, DO YOU THINK ANYONE WILL

NOTICE THAT I DIDN'T ACTUALLY

CUT MY HAIR OFF?

>> YOUR FINAL TASK...

DRIVE TO CITY HALL AND GO TO

OFFICE 211.

>> Kove: TRENT.

>> Trent: YES.

>> Kove: DO YOU HAVE THE

LOCATION ON SAM?

>> Trent: UH, YES, I DO.

I'M JUST PULLING IT UP RIGHT

NOW.

UM...

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

THIS IS THE...UM...HACK

SCHEMATIC OF -- OH, WHAT'S THAT

LOCATION?

IT SHOULD BE BLINKING, BUT,

UH...

>> Piper: YOU SCOTCH-TAPED A MAP

ONTO THE SCREEN.

>> Trent: NO, I DIDN'T. NO.

>> Piper: THERE'S A PIECE OF

TAPE ON IT.

>> SAM!

>> Sam: JOANIE.

YOU WERE KIDNAPPED.

YES, I WAS.

[ Distorted voice ] BY MYSELF.

>> Sam: SAY WHAT?

>> WITH THIS VOICE MODULATOR, I

CAN BE JUST LIKE FRANK CALIENDO

AND LITERALLY IMPERSONATE ANY

VOICE.

[ As Schwarzenegger ] ARNOLD

SCHWARZENEGGER.

[ As Walken ] UM,

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN.

[ As Connery ] SEAN

CONNERY.

[ Normal voice ] AND, OF

COURSE...

[ Distorted voice ] WILL ARNETT.

>> Sam: RIGHT.

SO, WHY DID YOU HAVE ME BRING

ALL THESE THINGS?

>> [ Normal voice ] SOMETHING

BORROWED, THE RING; SOMETHING

BLUE, THE FLOWERS; SOMETHING

OLD, THE VINTAGE TUX.

>> Sam: WHAT'S NEW?

>> [ Distorted voice ] OUR

MARRIAGE.

>> Kove: TRENT, SAM'S LIFE IS IN

THE BALANCE.

WE NEED ANSWERS.

>> Piper: I KNOW ABOUT

COMPUTERS.

MAYBE I CAN HELP.

>> Trent: NO! NO!

NO, I GOT IT.

I GOT IT.

>> COME BACK TO THE THOUGHT GOO.

LET'S FINISH WHAT WE STARTED.

>> Trent: OKAY, I GOT SAM'S

LOCATION.

SAM'S AT THE CORONADO PLAINS.

GO.

>> Kove: SEND IN THE SHOCK TEAM.

[ ENGINES REVVING ]

>> MOVE, MOVE!

>> IN THE SKY, BOYS!

[ GUNS COCK ]

>> GOING DOWN!

>> Kove: IT'S AN EMPTY FIELD.

>> Trent: OF COURSE IT IS.

TELL THEM TO START DIGGING.

>> Sam: SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING.

AN E-MAIL WASN'T THE BEST WAY TO

HANDLE IT.

I REALIZE THAT NOW.

>> E-MAIL?

I HAVEN'T CHECKED MY E-MAIL IN

DAYS.

I'VE BEEN PLANNING ALL THESE

CHALLENGES.

SHOULD I CHECK MY E-MAIL?

>> Sam: NO!

ON ANOTHER NOTE, WHY ARE YOU

DOING ALL THIS?

>> YOU NEVER WANT TO DO THE

THINGS I WANT TO DO, SO TODAY

WAS A LESSON IN RELATIONSHIPS.

I MEAN, FIRST, YOU NEVER WATCH

"DOWNTON ABBEY" WITH ME, NO

MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I ASKED.

>> Sam: YEAH.

>> HENCE, THE SANDWICH BOARD.

AND THEN, WE CAN NEVER GET A

TABLE AT BALDWIN'S.

>> Sam: THEY'RE ALWAYS PACKED.

>> THAT'S WHY YOU NEED A

RESERVATION.

>> Sam: THAT MAKES SENSE.

>> AND FINALLY, YOUR APPEARANCE.

>> Sam: WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY --

I'M HIPSTER HOP.

IT'S...A NEW GENRE.

>> YOU ALWAYS LOOK LIKE YOU

SLEPT ON THE FLOOR OF A

FedEx/KINKO'S/OfficeMax.

>> Sam: THOSE DON'T EXIST.

>> SO, TODAY WAS ABOUT WHAT I

WANTED TO DO, AND WHAT I WANT TO

DO RIGHT NOW IS GET MARRIED.

>> Sam: MARRIED?!

OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S WHAT ALL THIS IS ABOUT?

>> I...

I SAID THAT EARLIER.

YOU NEV LISTEN.

LOOK, THIS IS THE FINAL STRAW,

SAM.

EITHER YOU MARRY ME TODAY, OR I

BLOW UP ALL OF SAN DIEGO.

>> Kove: WELL, THE CASUALTIES

ARE IN THE MILLIONS, BUT WE

CONTAINED THE RADIATION AND

LA JOLLA WILL REBUILD.

>> Piper: SO THAT'S IT.

YOU AND JOANIE ARE THROUGH.

>> Sam: ACTUALLY, I THINK WE'RE

GETTING BACK TOGETHER.

>> Piper: SHE'S IN JAIL.

>> Sam: YEAH, EXACTLY.

THIS GETS HER OUT OF MY FACE ALL

THE TIME.

>> Kove: IT'S BEEN A DIFFICULT

DAY FOR SAN DIEGO, BUT LET US

NOT FORGET THE STORY OF HILLEL

THE BUTCHER --

>> YOU HAVE MAIL.

>> Trent: I'M IN.

>> COMING NEXT FALL TO

[adult swim]...

>> Sam: YO.

YO.

YO.

YO.

YO.

YO.

YO-O-O!

YO.