Original subtitles

[ SCHOOL BELL RINGS ]

>> LEAVE ME ALONE, TRUMAN!

YOU CAN'T KEEP PICKING ON ME.

>> OH, I CAN'T?

MY DAD IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE

NAVY!

SO I CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL I

WANT.

LOOK AT ME, GEMBERLING.

YOU'RE GONNA ASK ME OUT LIKE I'M

A GIRL.

>> I'M NOT GONNA ASK --

>> YES, YOU ARE.

>> NO! I'M NOT GONNA --

>> GEMBERLING!

YOU WILL DO AS I SAY.

NOW, ASK ME OUT LIKE I'M A SEXY

GIRL.

>> HEY, YOU WANT TO GO TO THE

M--

>> NEVER! NEVER, EVER, EVER!

BECAUSE YOU'RE A NERD!

AND I AM A SEXY GIRL.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> [ Raspy voice ] HEY, TRUMAN.

>> WHO SAID THAT?

YOU SHOW YOUR FACE.

"MEN'S FACUL-CITY."

OH, IT'S YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

NO!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!

I RECOGNIZE YOU!

IT WILL SHOCK PEOPLE TO FIND OUT

WHO YOU REALLY ARE!

IT'S YOU!

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Kove: PETEY FORRESTER,

LUNA GHEIRHART, AND NOW

TRUMAN BIGGLE -- PRESIDENT OF

THE NAVY'S ONLY SON.

>> Piper: SOMEONE'S ABDUCTING

THE CHILDREN OF SAN DIEGO'S

WEALTHIEST ELITE.

>> Kove: EXACTLY, BUT THE

KIDNAPPER HAS NOT COME FORWARD

WITH A NOTE OR A SINGLE DEMAND.

>> Trent: MAYBE WE SHOULD HIRE A

SPECIAL TEAM OF NTSF DWARFS.

HAVE THEM POSE AS STUDENTS AND

GO UNDERCOVER.

>> Piper: OR WE COULD SHAVE

APES, DRESS THEM UP AS TEENS,

AND SEND THEM IN.

>> Kove: I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA.

YOU TWO ARE GONNA MAKE LIKE

RODNEY DANGERFIELD AND GO BACK

TO SCHOOL.

>> Trent: WAIT A SECOND, KOVE.

UNDERCOVER HIGH-SCHOOL WORK IS

16 HOP STREET JURISDICTION.

>> Kove: NORMALLY, YES, BUT MOST

OF NTSF:SD:16 H.S. WAS BRUTALLY

KILLED BY TERRORISTS POSING AS

PLAYERS DURING A J.V. LACROSSE

MATCH AT ENCINITAS CATHOLIC LAST

NIGHT.

>> Piper: UGH. LACROSSE IS THE

WORST.

>> Kove: THERE'S JUST ONE

16 HOP STREET AGENT LEFT AT

CANNON HIGH -- BILLY PITTMAN.

BUT USE CAUTION.

BILLY'S BEEN UNDERCOVER FOR SO

LONG, HE MAY ACTUALLY BELIEVE HE

IS A STUDENT.

>> Trent: WELL, STEP ASIDE,

NIRVANA, BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE

WE'RE THE ONES WHO SMELL LIKE

TEEN --

WAIT A SECOND.

WHAT DID NIRVANA SAY THEY

SMELLED LIKE?

THEY SMELLED LIKE TEEN --

>> Piper: SPIRIT.

>> Trent: IT'S NOT TEEN SPIRIT.

>> Piper: I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S

TEEN SPIRIT.

>> Trent: IT'S NOT SPIRIT.

>> Kove: PERFUME.

>> Trent: PERFUME.

PERFUME.

STEP ASIDE, NIRVANA, 'CAUSE IT

LOOKS LIKE WE'RE THE ONES WHO

SMELL LIKE TEEN PERFUME.

>> Piper: I KNOW WE'RE

UNDERCOVER AND ALL, BUT I REALLY

WANT TO USE THIS MISSION AS AN

OPPORTUNITY TO DO HIGH SCHOOL

RIGHT THIS TIME.

>> Trent: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> Piper: I HAD A REALLY ROUGH

TIME BACK THEN.

I WAS ALWAYS THE POPULAR KID,

AND ALL OF MY SLUTTY, BITCHY

FRIENDS WERE SUPER-JEALOUS OF

ME.

THIS TIME I WANT TO EXPERIENCE

HIGH SCHOOL LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE

DID -- AS A NORMAL, EVERYDAY

LOSER.

>> Trent: I DON'T CARE.

WE GOT WORK TO DO.

YOU PENETRATE THE GIRLS.

I'LL LIAISON WITH PITTMAN.

>> Piper: INTEL SAYS THAT THE

LAST TIME HE WAS SEEN WAS IN THE

SECOND-FLOOR BOYS' BATHROOM

SMOKING CIGARETTES AND SPITTING

ON MIRRORS.

>> Trent: WELL, I HOPE HE SAVED

SOME FOR ME.

CIGARETTES, NOT -- NOT SPIT.

>> Piper: OKAY.

>> * HE GOES --

>> Both: [ GRUNT ]

HI.

>> WHO ARE YOU?

>> Trent: I'M WILLIE WILTFONG,

AGE 17.

I LIKE NEW MUSIC OKAY, BUT I

MOSTLY REALLY LIKE '90s GRUNGE

STUFF 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT MY

BROTHER PETEY LISTENED TO --

CHILI PEPPERS, THAT SORT OF

STUFF.

>> OH, UH, I'M RICKIE MEEKER.

>> Trent: YEAH.

>> PUT HER THERE. [ CHUCKLES ]

I'M THE CAPTAIN OF THE GLEE

CLUB HERE AT CANNON.

SO, ARE YOU NEW OR SOMETHING?

>> Trent: I'M A FOREIGN-EXCHANGE

STUDENT FROM OTTAWA, CANADA.

GO SENATORS.

MY PARENTS, VICTORIA AND

THURMAN WILTFONG, DIVORCED WHEN

I WAS 6.

DEEPLY AFFECTED MY YOUNGER

BROTHER, PETEY, AND I.

>> I THOUGHT PETEY WAS YOUR

OLDER BROTHER.

[ GROANS ]

[ SCHOOL BELL RINGS ]

[ BODY THUDS ]

>> OH, MY GOD, WHITNEY.

STEWIE MEARS IS SO HOT.

>> [ LAUGHS ] I'M AWESOME!

>> BACK OFF, BRITTANY.

STEWIE'S MINE.

>> Piper: GIRLS.

WHY ARE WE FIGHTING OVER THIS

STEWIE GUY?

>> UH, 'CAUSE HE'S ONLY, LIKE,

THE COOLEST GUY IN SCHOOL.

>> Piper: LADIES, LOOK.

SOMEDAY YOU'RE GONNA REALIZE

THAT YOU DON'T NEED A MAN TO

VALIDATE YOU OR MAKE YOU

POPULAR.

>> HEADS UP!

>> HEY.

>> Piper: HEY.

>> YOU GOT MY BALL.

>> Piper: DO I?

>> SCHOOL DANCE IS TONIGHT.

YOU CAN, LIKE...GO WITH ME, IF

YOU WANT.

>> Piper: OKAY.

>> YOU JUST GOT ASKED OUT BY

STEWIE MEARS.

YOU'RE GONNA BE, LIKE, THE MOST

POPULAR GIRL IN SCHOOL.

>> Piper: GOING TO BE?

>> [ SCOFFS ]

YOU ARE A SKANK, AND I HATE YOU!

>> Piper: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE

THING ABOUT ME?

>> EVERYTHING.

>> Trent: PITTMAN!

YOU BILLY PITTMAN?

HEY! GRAFFITI ARTIST, YOU SEEN

PITTMAN?

HEY, YOU TWO.

WHERE'S BILLY PITTMAN?

>> OH, I WOULDN'T KNOW.

YOU SEE, I'M ACTUALLY A REPORTER

FOR SPINNING RO MAGAZINE.

I'M JUST DRESSED AS A KID 'CAUSE

I WAS LIKE, "LET ME GO BACK TO

HIGH SCHOOL, LEARN THE LESSONS I

NEVER LEARNED, AND THEN WRITE AN

ARTICLE ABOUT IT."

>> AND I'M A TIME TRAVELER FROM

THE YEAR 2032 WHO'S HERE TO MAKE

SURE MY PARENTS KISS AT THE BIG

DANCE SO I DON'T PHASE OUT OF

EXISTENCE.

OH, GOD, I HOPE MY PARENTS

[BLEEP]

>> Trent: ARE THERE ANY REAL

KIDS IN THIS SCHOOL?

>> SURE, THERE ARE.

BUT IF WE DON'T ACT FAST,

THEY'RE ALL GOING DOWN THE

DRAIN.

[ WATER SPLASHES ]

[ EXPLOSION ]

>> Trent: BILLY PITTMAN, I

PRESUME.

>> HOW'S IT GOING, TRENT?

I'M TOTALLY LEARNING, LIKE, ALL

ABOUT TRIGONOMETRY.

WHO'S THIS? WHO'S THIS?

>> Trent: SHE'S...

>> WHERE'S MY WEED, MUNGO?

WORD UP.

>> Trent: LOOK, PITTMAN, I NEED

YOU TO FOCUS UP.

WE GOT TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S

GOING ON HERE.

>> LISTEN, HAUSER.

WHY DON'T YOU GO CHILL WITH YOUR

CRONIES IN GRAD SCHOOL?

THIS IS HOP STREET JURISDICTION.

>> Trent: WELL, HOP STREET'S

DEAD.

>> DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT?!

[ Voice breaking ] DON'T YOU

THINK I KNOW?

OH, MY GOD!

>> Trent: WHAT IS IT? A CLUE?

>> THEY POSTED THE CAST OF THE

SPRING MUSICAL AND I'M NOT ON

IT.

>> Trent: WHAT?

>> I AM CONRAD BIRDIE!

>> Trent: WHO'S CONRAD BIRDIE?

>> THEY GAVE IT TO STEWIE MEARS.

WE SHOULD KIDNAP THAT KID.

>> Trent: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

>> WE SHOULD KIDNAP ALL OF THESE

RICH PIECES OF CRAP.

>> Trent: CALM DOWN, PITTMAN.

>> SPRING DANCE IS TOMORROW

NIGHT.

THEY'LL ALL BE GATHERED IN ONE

ROOM, AND THAT'S WHEN WE STRIKE.

>> Trent: PITTMAN, YOU LOST

YOURSELF.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, HAUSER.

[ SCHOOL BELL RINGS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Trent: PITTMAN!

>> HEY! WHAT GIVES, WILLIE?

>> Trent: WHAT? WHO?

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

I'M WILLIE WILTFONG. WHAT?

>> YOU TASED ME!

>> Trent: IT WAS A FRATERNITY

PRANK.

>> WE'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL, MAN!

AND I LOOKED UP THE STUDENT

REGISTRATION.

WE DO NOT HAVE A FOREIGN

EXCHANGE WITH CANADA THIS YEAR.

>> Trent: BUT THERE IS AN

EXCHANGE BETWEEN MY FOOT AND

YOUR FACE.

LOOKS LIKE I JUST MADE VARSITY

KICKBALL.

JACKET HAS NO POCKETS FOR

GLASSES.

[ UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> SO, HOW'S IT GOING WITH THAT

NEW HOT CHICK?

>> OH, DUDE. AWESOME.

HEY, SHE TOTALLY GAVE ME A

HAND JOB DURING CHEM CLASS.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> WHOA.

>> [ Laughing ] RIGHT? RIGHT?

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> Piper: HE SAID HE WOULDN'T

TELL.

>> Trent: WE HAVE VISUAL

CONFIRMATION ON PITTMAN.

LET'S GO!

FREEZE!

>> HAUSER! WHAT?

ARE YOU TRYING TO BUST MY BUST?

>> Trent: I'M BUSTING YOU,

POINDEXTER, SO DON'T TELL ME I'M

BUSTING YOUR BUST, OR I'M GONNA

BUST A MOVE ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

BY "DANCE FLOOR," I MEAN YOUR

FACE.

>> THINK I'M A KIDNAPPER?

LOOK BEHIND YOU.

>> HELP ME OR SOMETHING, YOU

DICKS!

>> GUNS AT THE DANCE?

SPINNING ROCK'S GONNA LOVE

THIS!

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> Trent: HEY! HEY!

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

>> HEY, EVERYBODY!

THIS GUY'S DOING A NEW DANCE!

>> Trent: NO, IT'S NOT A DANCE.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

>> All: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

>> Trent: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

>> All: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

>> Trent: THIS IS NOT A DANCE!

WHAT IS THIS?

>> DO IT. KISS HER!

SAVE MY LIFE.

COME ON, DAD.

>> Trent: OUT OF MY WAY!

>> NO!

>> Trent: [ GRUNTS ]

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER BULLY'S

ABOUT TO BITE THE DUST.

>> Trent: STILL MAD THAT I

KICKED YOU IN THE FACE?

'CAUSE I'M NOT SORRY.

>> ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN

RIDICULED BY THE POPULAR KIDS

FOR BEING DIFFERENT -- FOR BEING

A THEATRICAL TRIPLE-THREAT WHO

LIVED AND BREATHED MUSICALS.

[ Laughing ] BUT THAT'S OKAY.

IT'S FINE.

BECAUSE WHO NEEDS LEBRON JAMES

AND DWYANE WADE WHEN YOU HAVE

SONDHEIM AND FOSSE?

>> Trent: WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

KIDNAP EVERY POPULAR KID IN THE

SCHOOL?

>> [ Raspy voice ] I ALREADY

HAVE.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ Normal voice ] I ALREADY HAVE!

NOW I'M GONNA SHOOT YOU AND THEN

I'M GONNA SHOOT THEM AND THEN

I'M GONNA SING AND DANCE MY ASS

OFF.

>> NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO

SING ABOUT IT.

KICK STEP!

>> [ GRUNTS ]

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A

SMASH HIT ON YOUR HAND.

>> YEAH, BUT THIS ONE'S GOING

OFF OFF BROADWAY FOR AN EXTENDED

RUN...IN JAIL.

>> Trent: [ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH.

>> [ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

YEAH!

>> Piper: I DIDN'T REALLY GIVE

STEWIE MEARS A HAND JOB.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

>> Kove: POPULAR TEENS OF

SAN DIEGO ARE FINALLY FREE FROM

THE TYRANNY OF THE JEALOUS

MUSICAL-THEATER SCUM.

>> Trent: ANYTHING TO STOP AN

ARTS PROGRAM.

>> TRENT HAUSER!

I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR

SAVING MY BOY.

HE'S THE MOST PRECIOUS THING IN

THE WHOLE WORLD TO ME.

TRUMAN, YOU SHOULD THANK TRENT.

>> Trent: PUT HER THERE, BUDDY.

>> [ SCOFFS ] YEAH, RIGHT.

GET THAT OUT OF MY FACE.

I WOULDN'T THANK THESE GUYS IF

THEY WERE THE END OF MY DICK.

THESE LOSERS TOOK FOREVER TO

SAVE ME.

>> Piper: WE'RE NOT LOSERS!

>> YES, YOU ARE.

AND YOU'RE NERDS, AND IF YOU

WENT TO THIS HIGH SCHOOL, I

WOULD BEAT YOU --

>> YOU LITTLE RAT'S ASSHOLE!

I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE STAYED

KIDNAPPED, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

>> I HATE YOU!

I HATE YOU!

>> I HATE YOU!!

THANKS, TRENT.

>> Trent: YOU HAVE A GREAT KID

THERE.

>> THANK YOU, TRENT.

>> Trent: SO, PITTMAN.

YOU GONNA HANG UP THAT VARSITY

JACKET?

>> Piper: YEAH. WHY DON'T YOU

COME BACK TO NORMAL NTSF?

>> SORRY, GUYS.

IT'S TEMPTING, BUT SOME PEOPLE

BELONG IN HIGH SCHOOL...

FOREVER.

T.T.Y.NEVER.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Kove: BY GOD, HE'S GOT

SPIRIT.

>> Trent: SPIRIT.

THAT'S WHAT TEENS SMELL LIKE.

BEEN BUGGING ME SINCE BEFORE.

FORGOT ABOUT THAT.

>> Piper: THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

>> Trent: SHUT UP!

YOU DID NOT.

LIAR!

>> COMING NEXT FALL TO ADULT

SWIM...

>> I NEED MONEY.

>> JUST KILL YOUR PARENTS.

>> OH, I WILL.

AFTER WE HAVE SEX.

>> YOU REMIND ME OF MY DAD.

>> I LIKE THAT.