Original subtitles

>> HAPPY SAN DIEGO DAY!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> [ Eastern European accent ]

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS HOLIDAY

OF YOURS.

>> WHAT?

YOU DON'T HAVE SAN DIEGO DAY IN

EUROPE?!

ALL RIGHT, WELL, OLD MAN

SAN DIEGO AND HIS BEST FRIEND,

PETEY THE PIT BULL, DECIDED TO

HEAD OUT WEST.

THEY FOUND THEMSELVES IN

SAN DIEGO, WHICH BACK THEN WAS A

BARREN WASTELAND, JUST A REAL

CRAPHOLE.

AHH.

[ GLASS BREAKS ]

WHERE THEY SURVIVED FOR SIX

MONTHS ON ONE MAGIC CATFISH!

THAT IS WHY WE CELEBRATE

SAN DIEGO DAY.

HEY, LOOK -- A HANGING CATFISH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

THAT MEANS YOU OWE ME A KISS.

>> OKAY.

BUT WAIT.

>> [ EXHALES SHARPLY, SNIFFS ]

>> OOH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

MY LIPS ARE BURNING.

MY LIPS ARE ON FIRE!

MY LIPS ARE BURNING!

THIS SMOKIN' HOT EUROPEAN CHICK

JUST POISONED ME!

[ GLASS BREAKING ]

AAH!

UGH.

[ PARTYGOERS MURMURING ]

>> NOAPTE BUNA, PRESIDENTE.

[ INHALES SHARPLY ]

[ KNIFE PLUNGES ]

[ GROANS ]

OH, NO.

OH, MY GOD.

LOOK AT ALL THESE DEAD

SAN DIEGANS.

OHH.

[ PANTS ]

[ High-pitched voice ] AAH!

MY SHIRT!

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Trent: AND THAT IS THE STORY

OF VIETNAM.

OKAY, LET'S GO, KIDS.

>> Kove: YOU'RE LATE.

>> Trent: WELL, I ONLY GET THEM

ONCE A YEAR.

I WANTED TO ENJOY IT.

>> MOM, PLEASE CAN DADDY STAY?

PLEASE?

>> PLEASE?

>> Kove: OKAY. COME ON IN.

>> Trent: ALL RIGHT, GUYS, YEAH.

>> Kove: DON'T YOU DARE

DISAPPOINT THEM, YOU SON OF A

BITCH.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> Trent: GOT TO GO.

>> Kove: NO SAN DIEGO DAY

PRESENTS?

>> Trent: UH...

>> Kove: YOU DIDN'T GET THEM A

GIFT, DID YOU?

>> Trent: I WAS BUSY.

I'LL MAKE IT UP TO THEM NEXT

YEAR.

>> Kove: NO, I WANT YOU TO GET

THEM A REAL PRESENT RIGHT NOW.

I'LL GIVE YOU 15 MINUTES.

>> Trent: I'LL MAKE IT 10.

[ CLOCK BEEPING ]

>> Piper: TRENT, THE PRESIDENT

HAS BEEN DRUGGED, AND HIS HEART

HAS BEEN REPLACED WITH...A BOMB.

>> Trent: NOT ON MY WATCH.

>> Piper: WELL, LIKE I SAID,

IT ALREADY HAPPENED, SO...

>> Alphonse: HERE'S THE CATCH --

IF WE TAKE THE BOMB OUT OF HIS

CHEST, HE'LL DIE, SO YOU GOT TO

GET HIM A NEW HEART.

>> Trent: [ CHUCKLES ]

OH, GREAT.

I'LL JUST RUN ON DOWN TO THE

LOCAL HEART STORE.

OH, I HAVE A GIFT CERTIFICATE,

I THINK.

OH, NO, IT EXPIRED.

OH, NO, IT DIDN'T BECAUSE HEART

STORES DON'T EXIST.

>> THAT'S NOT ENTIRELY TRUE.

THERE IS A PLACE DOWNTOWN.

IT'S NOT 100% LEGAL, BUT IT'S

THE BEST WE'VE GOT.

>> PERFECT.

ALPHONSE, I NEED YOU TO DO ME A

SOLID.

YOU NEED TO GET ME A SAN DIEGO

DAY GIFT FOR MY KIDS, A PETEY

THE PIT BULL.

>> Alphonse: DOESN'T SOUND LIKE

A SOLID.

IT SOUNDS LIKE AN ERRAND, TRENT.

>> I'D SAY IT SOUNDS LIKE A

SOLID.

>> Alphonse: IT'S NOT A SOLID.

IT'S AN ERRAND!

>> Piper: ALPHONSE, IT'S

SAN DIEGO DAY.

YOU CAN DO HIM A SOLID.

>> HIS BLOOD PRESSURE'S

SKYROCKETING.

I'D SAY YOU HAVE ABOUT NINE

MINUTES.

>> Trent: I'LL DO IT IN EIGHT.

[ CLOCK BEEPING ]

>> WHY WOULDN'T HE TAKE THE FULL

NINE?

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

[ HORN HONKS ]

>> Trent: WHAT'S GOING ON OVER

HERE?!

>> NICK CANNON'S LIGHTING THE

SAN DIEGO DAY CANDLE.

IT'S A MADHOUSE, BRO.

>> YO, SAN DIEGO!

YOU READY TO GET WILD AND LIGHT

THIS CANDLE?!

>> YEAH! YEAR, WE ARE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ONLY THING THAT'S GONNA MAKE

THIS CROWD DISPERSE IS SOME KIND

OF -- I DON'T KNOW -- TERRORIST

ATTACK OR SOMETHING, BRO.

>> Trent: I GOT A HUMAN BOMB!

EVERYBODY PANIC!

>> LET ME GO, BRO!

>> Piper: DON'T YOU WORRY.

TRENT IS GOING TO GET HERE IN

TIME, AND IT WILL BE A

SAN DIEGO DAY MIRACLE.

>> [ SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

>> * I MISSED YOU, BABY

>> Piper: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> * I MISS YOU, BABY

>> Piper: I HAVEN'T DONE THIS

SINCE COLLEGE.

[ BODY THUDS ]

>> Trent: BLACK-OWNED,

BLACK-OPERATED.

>> Psst!

THE DOCTOR SAID YOU'D BE COMING.

HERE YOU GO -- ONE BRAND-NEW,

TOP-OF-THE-LINE TEENAGE HEART.

>> Trent: WHERE'D YOU GET THIS?

>> UH, I HAD A GIFT CERTIFICATE

TO THE HEART STORE.

>> YES!

>> Alphonse: DAMN!

HEY, MISTER?

>> Alphonse: WHAT, FATTY?

>> YOU SHOULD HAVE THIS.

IT'S A SPECIAL DAY -- PEACE AND

GOODWILL SHOWN TO ALL MEN FROM

SAN DIEGO.

>> Alphonse: THANKS, MY LITTLE

FAT ANGEL.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A REAL HERO.

AND IF YOU SHOULD DIE BECAUSE OF

SOME DISEASE RELATED TO YOUR

CHILDHOOD OBESITY, LIKE DIABETES

OR A HEART ATTACK, WELL, IT'LL

BE A SAD DAY, LITTLE MAN.

BUT I ALREADY HAVE DIABETES.

>> Trent: MADE IT.

[ DOG GROWLING ]

NO!

BAD!

BAD DOG!

DAMN IT!

THANK YOU.

>> NO PROBLEM.

I HAD AN EXTRA GIFT CERTIFICATE.

>> I'M SORRY, MR. PRESIDENT.

IT SEEMS AGENT HAUSER DIDN'T

MAKE IT IN EIGHT MINUTES.

>> Trent: THAT'S RIGHT.

I MADE IT IN SEVEN.

>> TRENT, I'D THANK YOU, BUT I

DON'T HAVE TIME.

>> Trent: YOU COULD THANK ME

RIGHT NOW.

>> WISH I COULD, BUT I'M RUNNING

DOWN TO THE PARADE.

I'M PLAYING OLD MAN SAN DIEGO.

THE CITY NEEDS ME.

>> Trent: YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> I DIDN'T THANK YOU!

>> I REALLY HOPE HE MAKES IT

DOWN TO THE PARADE IN TIME TO

PLAY OLD MAN SAN DIEGO.

I WOULDN'T WANT HIS HEART BOMB

TO GO OFF BEFORE THEN.

>> Trent: WHAT?

>> THE PRESIDENT NEVER HAD HIS

HEART REMOVED.

WE HAD YOU GO TO THE BLACK

MARKET TO BRING US A HEART BOMB

SO YOU WOULD BE BLAMED FOR

KILLING THE PRESIDENT OF THE

NAVY AND ALL THE PEOPLE AT THE

SAN DIEGO DAY PARADE.

IT WAS A FIENDISHLY ELABORATE

PLAN, AND YOU WALKED RIGHT INTO

IT.

>> Trent: HOW DID YOU KNOW THE

FIRST HEART WOULD BE EATEN BY A

PIT BULL?

>> TWO STEPS AHEAD,

AGENT HAUSER.

MOTHER EUROPE IS ALWAYS TWO

STEPS AHEAD.

[ GASPS ] I'VE BEEN SHOT.

>> Trent: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN SHOT.

[ GUNSHOT ]

[ CROWD MURMURING ]

>> [ GASPS ]

TWO STEPS AHEAD.

>> Piper: HAPPY SAN DIEGO DAY.

AND YOU -- WHAT DO YOU THINK,

YOU CAN JUST LOVE ME AND LEAVE

ME?

>> Trent: NO.

THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME.

>> Piper: TRENT, I HAVE A CLEAR

SHOT.

>> Trent: IT'S TOO LATE.

SHE'S GONE. LET HER GO.

>> Piper: SHE'S RIGHT THERE.

SHE'S RIGHT BY THE ELEVATOR.

>> Trent: SHE'S A GHOST.

WE'LL NEVER FIND HER.

>> Piper: YOU TAKE --

>> Trent: NOW WE JUST HAVE TO

GET DOWNSTAIRS AND SAVE THE

PRESIDENT AND ALL THE PEOPLE OF

THE PEOPLE OF SAN DIEGO.

>> HIS HEART WILL EXPLODE IN TWO

MINUTES.

YOU'LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER ONE.

>> Trent: OH, REALLY?

YAH!

>> AAH!

[ GASPS ]

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE I FOUND

ONE, AND I "HEARTLY" HAD TO TRY.

>> [ GROANS ]

>> HEY. WHAT IS THIS?

OH, MY GOSH, THERE'S A REAL

PERSON IN THERE!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> THERE'S OUR PRESIDENT.

>> HUH?

>> Trent: THERE'S A BOMB IN

YOUR CHEST!

>> WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> Trent: THE DOCTOR -- HE WAS

WORKING FOR MOTHER EUROPE.

HE PUT A BOMB IN YOUR CHEST.

>> GIVE UP, DUDE.

THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT

IT, BRO.

>> OH, NO, NO, NO.

COME ON!

REALLY?!

I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I ALWAYS WANTED TO BUY THAT PAIR

OF JEANS.

NOW I'M NEVER GONNA GET TO BUY

THOSE JEANS!

>> Trent: I KNOW.

>> ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

JUST DO IT.

TAKE IT OUT OF ME AND SAVE THESE

PEOPLE'S LIVES.

>> Trent: OKAY.

>> JUST DO IT, TRENT.

JUST DO IT.

>> UGH!

GOD, TRENT, WHAT THE HECK ARE --

UGH! JUST KNOCK ME OUT, MAN.

UGH!

GEEZ.

KNOCK ME OUT, FOR CRYING OUT --

AAH!

UGH!

STILL AWAKE!

STILL!

UGH.

AAH!

UGH!

>> Trent: AH!

>> UGH!

PUT THE -- PUT IT IN!

PUT IT IN!

UGH.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

[ BEEPING ]

>> Trent: THE DOCTOR'S HEART --

IT'S A BOMB.

>> [ Middle Eastern accent ]

OF COURSE IT IS.

>> Trent: YOU.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

WE'RE ALWAYS THREE STEPS AHEAD.

>> Trent: I THOUGHT IT WAS TWO.

>> WHY WOULD I SAY "TWO STEPS"?

IT MAKES NO SENSE.

IT'S BARELY A STEP.

WE'RE ALWAYS THREE STEPS AHEAD.

>> Trent: IT'S WHAT I HEARD.

>> REGARDLESS...

[ CHOIR VOCALIZING ]

>> HEY!

THERE'S A DAMN BOMB IN MY CHEST!

WHERE WE GONNA FIND A NEW HEART?

>> Trent: I THINK I JUST FOUND A

NEW DONOR.

AH!

>> * BRUSHING OFF THE DUST

FOR SOMEONE ELSE *

* CORNERED TO THE CUSP

OF SOMEONE ELSE *

* WE'RE CALLING THOSE AND

FALLING PROS AND CONS *

* SOME MEN LIKE TO LAUGH...

>> OH, MY GOD.

YOU GOT TO GET ME TO A HOSPITAL.

I'M DYING!

>> * SOME, THEY HATE THEIR

LIVES AND... *

>> AH, WHAT IS TAKING IT SO

LONG?

IS IT BROKEN?

>> * ...WITH MY NAUGHTY SENSE

OF CRIME *

* ME, I'M HERE FOR THE VIEW

* LIKE A PHOTOGRAPH, I'LL

FRAME YOU *

* LONELY THOUGHT FOR...