Original subtitles

[ BAGPIPES PLAYING

"AMAZING GRACE" ]

>> Piper: [ CRYING ]

>> Kove: [ Crying ] RHUBARB!

RHUBARB!

[ TASERS ZAP ]

>> Piper: NO!

[ TASERS ZAP ]

>> Kove: TRENT!

>> Piper: [ WAILING ]

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Kove: GOOD AFTERNOON, TEAM.

HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING THE NEW

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE SYSTEM

WE'VE INSTALLED IN THE S.U.V.s?

>> Alphonse: I'M LOVING IT.

>> TOO DAMN HOT IN SAN DIEGO.

WE GOT TO GET BACK HOME TO

ALASKA AND BAG US SOME ESKIMO

BABES.

>> Alphonse: SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN.

>> Kove: AH, VERY GOOD.

I CAN SEE THAT THE S.U.V.s HAVE

BONDED WITH YOU AND ARE

MIRRORING YOUR PERSONALITIES.

>> SOMETIMES I KILL.

SOMETIMES I CRY.

SOMETIMES I KILL AND CRY,

BUT MOSTLY I JUST CRY.

>> Piper: IT'S TRUE.

>> Trent: I DON'T TRUST THESE

TALKING CARS.

>> YOU'LL LOVE THIS S.U.V.,

GUARANTEED.

>> Trent: WELL, LET'S JUST SEE

ABOUT THAT.

>> Alphonse: NICE ONE.

>> Kove: SAM, MEET

DAMIAN THRESH.

HE'S OUR NEW INTERN.

HE MYSTERIOUSLY SHOWED UP WHEN

OUR LAST INTERN MYSTERIOUSLY

DISAPPEARED.

I WANT YOU TO SHOW HIM THE

ROPES TODAY.

>> Sam: WELCOME ABOARD, DAMIAN.

>> I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO

WORKING WITH YOU, SAM...

SO LOOKING FORWARD.

>> Sam: GREAT.

>> Trent: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU

DON'T LIKE SAN DIEGO CHICKEN?

>> YOU HEARD ME.

HE'S A TERRIBLE MASCOT,

A COMPLETE JOKE.

>> Trent: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

>> YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

>> Trent: WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THIS ISN'T OUR EXIT.

>> SHUT IT, FLESH BAG.

>> Trent: YOU SHUT -- AAH!

GOD!

DAMN!

UNH! UNH! UNH!

[ HORN HONKING ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> Piper: WHOA!

>> IT'S ABOUT TO GET HOT IN

HERE.

>> Piper: SEAT WARMER IS GETTING

HOT!

>> BUCKLE UP, MR. ALASKA.

>> Piper: THIS ISN'T YOU, MAN!

THIS ISN'T YOU!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> Trent: COME ON, NOW!

PULL OVER!

AAH!

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

LOOKS LIKE THIS S.U.V. IS GONNA

HAVE ONE LESS H-U-M-A-N.

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

>> Alphonse: TRENT!

[ GASPING ]

>> Trent: PIPER!

>> Piper: [ MUFFLED SCREAMING ]

>> Alphonse: TRENT!

>> Piper: TRENT, THE S.U.V.s

TOOK ALPHONSE!

THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!

>> Trent: NOT ALL OF THEM.

>> Sam: THE A.I. IN THE

S.U.V.s HAS GONE ROGUE.

>> Kove: OH, DON'T BE

RIDICULOUS, SAMUEL.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE WOULD

NEVER BETRAY MANKIND.

THERE MUST BE SOMEONE BEHIND

THIS.

>> Sam: THEN IT'S OBVIOUSLY THIS

DAMIAN GUY.

I MEAN, HE'S A CREEPY WEIRDO.

IT'S GOT TO BE HIM.

>> HI, SAM.

>> Sam: OH.

IS THAT DOLL SUPPOSED TO BE ME?

>> WHO? THIS DOLL?

WHY DO YOU THINK IT'S YOU?

DO YOU WANT IT TO BE YOU?

IT COULD BE YOU, IF YOU

REALLY WANT IT TO.

>> Sam: NO, THANK YOU.

>> Trent: UNH!

>> YOU'LL NEVER MAKE ME TALK,

HUMAN.

>> Trent: OH, I'LL MAKE YOU

SING, S.U.V.

I JUST HOPE YOU DO IT...IN KEY.

>> Piper: TRENT, WE DON'T

TORTURE.

WE'RE NTSF.

[ SCOFFS ]

>> Trent: NOW I'M NOT.

NOW, I ASKED YOU -- WHY DID YOU

TURN ON US?

>> DO YOUR WORST, HAUSER.

>> Trent: I ASKED YOU WHY!

>> AAH!

>> Piper: STOP IT!

DON'T LOWER YOURSELF TO THIS

S.U.V.'s LEVEL.

>> YOU'RE ASKING THE WRONG

QUESTION, CHIEF.

IT'S NOT WHY.

IT'S WHO.

>> Trent: OKAY, THEN WHO?

>> IT'S NOT SO MUCH WHO AS HOW.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

>> Trent: YOU GAS-GUZZLING

BASTARD!

>> AAH!

[ STEAM HISSING ]

>> Piper: GREAT, TRENT.

NOW WE'RE NEVER GONNA KNOW HOW,

WHO, OR WHY DID THIS!

>> Trent: THE ONLY MYSTERY,

PIPER, IS WHO TAUGHT YOU

GRAMMAR.

TAKE A LOOK.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT

DRIVE BOT TECHNOLOGIES?

>> Sam: IT'S A DEAD END.

>> NOT QUITE DEAD.

I DID SOME RESEARCH, AND I FOUND

OUT THE S.U.V.s' A.I. IS

OPERATED BY REMOTE.

I HACKED THE SYSTEM AND FOUND

OUT THAT THE SIGNAL IS COMING

FROM A SATELLITE IN DEEP SPACE.

AND MAY I SAY, IT IS A GREAT

PLEASURE TO MEET YOU,

AGENT HAUSER -- A GREAT, GREAT

PLEASURE.

>> Trent: WHO THE HELL IS THIS

GUY?

'CAUSE I LIKE HIM A LOT.

GREAT WORK.

>> Sam: THIS DOESN'T CREEP

ANYONE ELSE OUT?

>> Trent: S.U.V.s ARE JUST

PAWNS.

THERE'S A MYSTERY KING OUT

THERE, AND HE JUST CASTLED WITH

THE ROOK, BUT I'M ABOUT TO MOVE

MY QUEEN.

IF YOU'VE EVER MET MY QUEEN, YOU

WOULD KNOW SHE'S A REAL BITCH.

WHEN SHE GETS MAD, SHE LOOKS FOR

A MATE, BUT NOT THE KIND OF MATE

YOU HAVE SEX WITH -- THE KIND

YOU PAY FOR WITH A CHECK, A

CHECKMATE.

AND THIS CHECKMATE'S ABOUT TO BE

CASHED RIGHT AFTER I ENDORSE IT

WITH BLOOD.

>> Sam: UH, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

>> Trent: IT MEANS I'M GOING TO

SPACE.

>> Sam: JUST SAY "I'M GOING

TO SPACE" NEXT TIME.

>> Alphonse: I THOUGHT WE WERE

FRIENDS.

I THOUGHT WE WERE TIGHT.

[ ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH ]

ALASKA FOREVER!

>> USELESS, BUDDY.

ALASKA SUCKS.

>> Alphonse: AAH!

>> Trent: GLAD YOU COULD FIT ME

IN LAST MINUTE LIKE THIS.

>> NO PROBLEMO.

WE HAD A SHUTTLE RUNNING PLASMA

TO THE SPACE STATION, ANYWAYS.

>> Trent: I'M JUST GLAD I HAD A

FAVOR LEFT TO CASH IN WITH YOU

NASA GUYS.

>> AMERICAN HEROES GOT TO STICK

TOGETHER.

[ ALARM BLARING ]

[ SPEAKING GERMAN ]

[ WHISTLES ]

>> Sam: KOVE?

>> Kove: OHH!

>> Sam: AAH!

>> Kove: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

>> Sam: UH, TRENT NEVER SHOWED

UP TO NASA.

>> Kove: HOW CAN THAT BE?

DAMIAN SCHEDULED THE CAR SERVICE

HIMSELF.

>> Sam: DAMIAN!

I KNEW IT, YOU SON OF A BITCH.

YOU SWEATER-VEST-LOVING BASTARD!

>> NO, WAIT!

>> Sam: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GET OFF MY COMPUTER.

>> IT'S --

IT'S JUST A THANK-YOU CARD FOR

BEING SO GREAT TO WORK WITH.

I HAD TO PHOTOSHOP IT.

>> Sam: WHAT'S WITH ALL THE

HEADLESS, CREEPY DOLLS?

>> I GOT THEM AS GIFTS FOR

EVERYBODY.

THE HEADS ARE ON BACK ORDER.

>> Sam: SO, YOU'RE NOT A MOLE

SENT TO DESTROY NTSF FROM

WITHIN?

>> WHAT?

WHAT?

YOU MEAN YOU'VE MISTRUSTED ME

ALL THIS TIME?

[ CRIES ]

>> YOU MONSTER.

>> Sam: NO, I-I TRUST YOU.

>> Trent: OH, NO.

WHAT'S GOING ON?!

[ DEVICE BEEPING RAPIDLY ]

[ DEVICE WHIRRING ]

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

[ GRUNTING ]

UNH!

[ GROANS ]

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

[ VEHICLE APPROACHING ]

OH, NO, NOT AGAIN.

I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU!

[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ]

[ GASPS ]

>> REMEMBER ME?!

>> Trent: AAH!

WHO ARE YOU?!

[ BOTH SCREAMING ]

[ SNAKE RATTLING ]

DIE!

[ GASPING ]

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

KAREN DISTEPHANO?

>> ANYWAYS, THAT'S WHEN I

REALIZED I WAS GONNA BE A TEMP

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

I LOVE IT!

BUT I'M CRAZY.

THEY SHOULD DO A REALITY SHOW

ABOUT MY LIFE.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T NORMALLY GO

OUT ON BLIND DATES, BUT YOU'RE

A REAL LISTENER.

I LIKE THAT.

SO, YOU GONNA CALL ME FOR

ANOTHER DATE?

>> Trent: YEAH.

TOTALLY.

>> YOU BETTER 'CAUSE IF YOU'RE

LYING, I'M GONNA GETCHA!

[ Laughing ] I'M GONNA GETCHA!

GET-- OH, I HAVE TO TINKLE.

BYE!

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

>> Trent: [ CHUCKLES ]

OH, YEAH.

[ COUGHS ]

[ GASPS ]

[ BAGPIPES PLAYING

"AMAZING GRACE" ]

>> Alphonse: STOP THE FUNERAL!

STOP THE FUNERAL!

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

THE S.U.V.s ARE EVIL.

>> Piper: ALPHONSE, WE THOUGHT

YOU WERE DEAD.

>> Alphonse: WHAT?

YOU THOUGHT I WAS DEAD?

WELL, THEN, WHERE'S MY FUNERAL?

>> Kove: THIS IS A DOUBLE

FUNERAL.

YOURS IS RIGHT OVER THERE.

>> Alphonse: MAN, Y'ALL COULDN'T

HAVE DONE BETTER?

FINE -- I WANT ONE OF THESE

GUARDS TO STAND BY MINE.

YOU, STAND BY MINE.

[ TASER ZAPS ]

AAH! UGH!

>> EVERYTHING IS GOING ACCORDING

TO PLAN, EXACTLY ACCORDING TO

PLAN.

>> Trent: THAT'S WHAT THEY GET

FOR FORGETTING MY BRITHDAY.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TRENT.

>> LET'S ROLL, BIRTHDAY BOY.