Original subtitles

[ UP-TEMPO DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> OOH, YOU HORNY LITTLE DEVIL.

[ GASPS ]

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ]

>> Trent: OKAY, TELL ME EXACTLY

WHAT YOU REMEMBER.

>> WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S TOUGH.

WE WERE ABOUT TO PARTY, AND

THEN HE TRANQED ME.

WHEN I CAME TO, MY SPACE SHUTTLE

BLUEPRINTS WERE GONE.

>> Trent: SPACE SHUTTLE

BLUEPRINTS?

>> I'M A NASA ENGINEER.

I JUST STRIP TO MAKE ENDS MEET.

>> Alphonse: HER STORY CHECKS

OUT.

>> Trent: GOOD JOB.

LOOKS LIKE THIS STRIPPER HAS

BEEN STRIPPED OF HER --

HOLD ON. I'M SO SORRY.

STRIPPERS -- THIS IS -- IT

SHOULD BE EASY.

THERE'S SO MANY OPTIONS.

UH...

>> DIGNITY?

>> Trent: DIGNITY.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

I LIKE THAT -- "DIGNITY."

LOOKS LIKE THIS STRIPPER HAS

BEEN STRIPPED OF HER...DIGNITY.

WELL, HOW ABOUT I JUST SAY

"DOCUMENTS"?

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Alphonse: YOU STILL HAVEN'T

TOLD YOUR FIANCé YOU'RE NTSF?

>> Piper: NO.

HE THINKS I'M A BARISTA AT THE

COFFEE CUP.

>> Alphonse: THAT'S OKAY.

MY FAMILY THINKS I'M

CUBA GOODING JR.

>> Kove: "WITHOUT SHADOWS,

YOU'RE NOT IN THE LIGHT."

LADY GAGA SAID THAT.

AND WE HAVE ONE HELL OF A

SHADOW RIGHT NOW.

SAM?

>> Sam: INTEL SUGGESTS THAT

TERRORISTS HAVE STOLEN THE

SCHEMATICS TO THE SPACE SHUTTLE.

>> Alphonse: WHAT COULD THEY

WANT WITH THE SPACE SHUTTLE?

>> Piper: PLUTONIUM.

THERE ARE HUGE PLUTONIUM

DEPOSITS ON THE JOVIAN MOON IO.

OUR TERRORISTS ARE GOING TO USE

THESE BLUEPRINTS TO BUILD A

FLEET OF 1970s-ERA SPACE

SHUTTLES, SEND THEM TO JUPITER,

DIG UP THAT PLUTONIUM, BRING IT

BACK, AND THEN DESIGN AND BUILD

A COMPLICATED NUCLEAR-DETONATION

DEVICE.

>> Sam: OF COURSE. SO SIMPLE.

>> Kove: ALL OF SAN DIEGO IS ON

THE VERGE OF DESTRUCTION.

>> Alphonse: WHAT'S THEIR

TARGET?

>> Trent: PETCO PARK.

THAT WOULDN'T BE SO BAD THE

WAY THE PADRES ARE PLAYING.

>> Alphonse: TYPICAL SAN DIEGO.

BACK IN ALASKA, WE DON'T EVEN

HAVE OUTER SPACE.

>> Kove: LUCKILY, WE HAVE THIS

TAPE.

SAM, ON-SCREEN.

>> Sam: YOU GOT IT, BOSS.

>> Kove: NOT HUMAN SAM.

ROBOT SAM.

>> SECURITY-CAMERA FOOTAGE

PICKED UP OUR TRANQER FROM THE

STRIP-CLUB PARKING LOT.

>> Piper: ISOLATE VECTOR A6.

ROTATE.

ZOOM IN.

REMOVE OCCUPANT.

FRISK.

[ BEEPING ]

ENHANCE PANTS, VECTOR D7.

ISOLATE POCKET CONTENTS.

ENHANCE, ENHANCE, ENHANCE,

ENHANCE, ENHANCE, ENHANCE,

ENHANCE, ENHANCE, ENHANCE,

ENHANCE.

"MEET ME AT THE STRIP CLUB

TONIGHT.

IT ALL GOES DOWN.

X.O.X.O. V.B."

I WONDER WHO V.B. IS.

>> Kove: LOOKS LIKE OUR TRANQER

ISN'T WORKING ALONE.

GOOD WORK, SAM.

NOT HUMAN SAM -- ROBOT SAM.

PIPER, I WANT YOU TO FIND

EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES

WITH THE INITIALS V.B.

ALPHONSE, GO TO LAB.

GET THE FORENSICS ON THE

SYRINGE.

SAMS, GET MORE INFORMATION ON

THIS STRIPPER.

I'LL BE ROUGHING UP WITNESSES.

OUR CHILDREN ARE ASKING ABOUT

YOU.

>> Trent: THE MINUTE I STEP

WITHIN 50 FEET OF THEM, THEY

BECOME TARGETS.

>> Kove: BUT DR. FIRE--

>> Trent: DR. FIRESTONE CAN GO

STRAIGHT TO HELL!

THERE WILL BE NO COUPLES'

COUNSELING FOR ANYONE IN

SAN DIEGO TOMORROW IF I DON'T DO

MY JOB TODAY.

>> Alphonse: JESSIE, WHAT THE

HELL ARE YOU WEARING?

>> Jessie: OH, I'M A VALKYRIE

ELF QUEEN.

WE'RE LARPing AT MY HOUSE

TONIGHT, SO I WAS JUST GETTING

READY TO LEAVE.

>> Alphonse: OKAY, WELL, THIS

ISN'T APPLEBEE'S.

YOU CAN'T JUST CLOCK OUT

WHENEVER YOU WANT.

>> Jessie: YOU CAN'T DO THAT AT

APPLEBEE'S.

>> Alphonse: EXACTLY.

NOW, I NEED YOU AND THE REST OF

THESE LAB GEEKS TO TELL ME

EXACTLY WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS

SYRINGE I FOUND AT THE CRIME

SCENE.

[ UP-TEMPO DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Jessie: BASED ON THE TESTS,

THERE'S A 99% CHANCE THAT THE

BLOOD ON THE SYRINGE --

>> Alphonse: OKAY, JUST GIVE IT

TO ME IN LAYMEN TERMS!

>> Jessie: THE SYRINGE THAT WAS

TAKEN FROM THE SCENE WAS USED IN

THE CRIME.

>> Alphonse: HMM.

THINGS ARE STARTING TO COME TO

WHAT I LIKE TO CALL "GETHER."

>> Sam: S.A.M., LOOK AT THIS.

I JUST HACKED INTO THE

STRIPPER'S BANK ACCOUNT.

SHE RECENTLY MADE A HUGE DEPOSIT

IN PESOS.

THAT MEANS SHE'S IN ON IT AND

THE MEXICAN GOVERNMENT IS

INVOLVED.

THIS IS GONNA WIN ME MAJOR

POINTS WITH TRENT.

>> Trent: Trent Hauser...

>> Sam: DAMN, IT'S GOING TO

VOICE MAIL.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, TRENT.

THE MEXICAN GOVERNMENT.

I JUST FIGURED IT ALL OUT BY

MYSELF.

THANK YOU.

>> Sam: YOU JUDAS ROBOT BASTARD

SON OF A BITCH.

>> Trent: [ CHUCKLES ]

LOVE THAT SAM -- ROBOT SAM.

NOT HUMAN SAM.

PIPER, GO.

>> Piper: THERE ARE OVER

EIGHT MILLION PEOPLE IN THE U.S.

WITH THE INITIALS V.B.

>> Alphonse: WELL, IF THE

STRIPPER'S IN ON IT, MAYBE SHE'S

V.B.

>> Trent: WHICH MEANS SHE SET

THE ENTIRE THING UP.

LET'S GO GET A LAP DANCE OF

INFORMATION.

[ ENGINE REVS ]

[ UP-TEMPO DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> Alphonse: HOLD IT RIGHT

THERE, SANDY CANYONS!

>> Trent: I CAN'T FIGHT A

STRIPPER.

>> Piper: I CAN'T NOT.

[ PATRONS CHEERING ]

>> NO TOUCHING!

OH, THANKS.

>> Piper: THAT'S MY TIP!

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

[ PATRONS WHISTLING, CHEERING ]

LOOKS LIKE YOUR DANCE IS OVER.

[ APPLAUSE ]

NOW TALK...

'CAUSE I'M RUNNING OUT OF

PATIENCE.

>> OKAY.

YEAH, I WAS IN ON IT.

AND MY NAME'S NOT REALLY

SANDY CANYONS.

IT'S VAGINA BRASS.

>> Alphonse: V.B.

>> THE MEXICAN GOVERNMENT PAID

ME TO GET THE SPACE SHUTTLE

SCHEMATICS AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE

A THEFT.

>> Trent: HOW COULD YOU BETRAY

YOUR COUNTRY LIKE THAT?

>> THEY PAID ME 500,000 PESOS.

>> Piper: THAT'S LESS THAN

$4,000.

>> WHAT?!

REALLY?

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING

TO MEXICO.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

>> TRENT, I FORBID YOU TO GO TO

MEXICO.

THE PEACE TREATY HASN'T BEEN

BROKEN IN MONTHS.

>> Trent: BUT THEY HAVE THE

SPACE SHUTTLE PLANS.

>> I KNOW, BUT THIS AIN'T

APPLEBEE'S.

YOU CAN'T JUST DO WHATEVER YOU

WANT.

>> Trent: WELL, YOU CAN'T JUST

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT AT

APPLEBEE'S, EITHER.

>> EXACTLY.

ANYWAY, YOU'RE FORBIDDEN FROM

GOING TO MEXICO.

>> Trent: WAIT.

DID YOU JUST WINK?

>> DID I?

>> Trent: I DON'T KNOW.

I CAN'T TELL.

>> LET'S JUST SAY I GOT

SOMETHING IN MY EYE.

>> Trent: ALL RIGHT.

SOMETHING WAS JUST IN YOUR EYE.

>> JUST GO TO MEXICO, DUMMY.

>> Trent: IF WE'RE GOING TO

MEXICO, WE NEED TO GO

UNDERCOVER.

LET'S CALL IN THE BIG GUNS.

OKAY, FOLLOW MY LEAD.

[ Australian accent ] EXCUSE ME,

MATES.

JUST WONDERING IF ME AND MY TWO

STUDENTS COULD TAKE A TOUR OF

YOUR FACILITY.

>> NO HABLO INGLéS.

>> Trent: [ Normal voice ] LET'S

DO THIS.

>> [ SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]

>> Trent: GREAT WORK, GUYS.

I'LL SEE YOU BACK AT THE H.Q.

[ GUNSHOTS ]

NO!

THE KARATE TWINS!

>> WAKE UP, AMIGO.

>> Trent: HUH? WHAT?

[ SCOFFS ]

MEXICAN PRESIDENT

FILIPE CALDERóN.

UP TO YOUR OLD TRICKS, I SEE.

>> ONE DAY, YOU WILL LEARN THAT

THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO

STOP ME.

>> Trent: WELL, TODAY'S NOT

GONNA BE THAT DAY.

THAT -- I LEARNED THAT TODAY.

>> UHH!

FOR YEARS, MEXICO HAS BEEN

RIDICULED FOR TWO THINGS --

LACK OF A SPACE PROGRAM...

AND LOW ATTENDANCE AT OUR

BASEBALL GAMES.

BUT VERY SOON, WE WILL BE ON

TOP IN BOTH.

>> Trent: WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

KILL ME?

>> NOT YET, AMIGO.

OH, THAT WOULD BE FAR TOO EASY.

YOU SEE, WHEN MY CONSTRUCTION

IS COMPLETED IN TWO TO FIVE

YEARS, I WILL PLACE YOU INSIDE A

ROCKET BOOSTER...

AND BURN YOU ALIVE!

>> Trent: WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE

I'M GONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE.

MIND IF I STRETCH MY LEGS?

>> CAUTION. CAUTION.

ZERO GRAVITY ENGAGED.

>> IDIOTS!

I TOLD THEM TO REMOVE THESE

TOOLS!

AAH!

[ GROANS ]

AAH!

iAY! iDIOS MíO!

iAY! iOH, NO!

TRENT.

AY, MIRA.

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE ONE SMALL

STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT STAB FOR

MANKIND.

>> Kove: "LIFE ISN'T ABOUT

SURVIVING STORMY WEATHER, BUT

RATHER DANCING IN THE RAIN."

TAYLOR SWIFT, 2010...

AND WHAT A DANCE IT WAS.

FILIPE CALDERóN IS IN CAPTIVITY

AND WILL BE TORTURED FOR A VERY

LONG TIME.

WE HAVE INSTALLED A LOOK-ALIKE

IN HIS PLACE AS USUAL, AND WE

HAVE MANAGED TO SAVE SAN DIEGO

FROM BECOMING A SECOND-RATE CITY

ONCE AGAIN.

>> Alphonse: WELL, I'LL TELL YOU

ONE THING ABOUT SAN DIEGO.

I DON'T LIKE THE FOOD, I DON'T

LIKE THE WEATHER, I DON'T LIKE

THE PEOPLE.

>> Piper: I STILL DON'T

UNDERSTAND HOW THE MEXICANS GOT

THE JUMP ON TRENT AND THE KARATE

TWINS.

>> Trent: THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE

THING -- SOMEONE AT NTSF IS A

MOLE.