Original subtitles

>> Piper: GIVE ME AN ANSWER.

>> Alphonse: NEGATIVE.

>> Piper: SAM?

>> Sam: THAT'S A NO.

>> Piper: JESSIE?

>> Jessie: NOPE.

>> Piper: COMMANDER KOVE?

>> Kove: NO.

>> Piper: NONE OF YOU READ

"DIARY OF A TEENAGE FAT GIRL"

YET.

BOOK CLUB IS THURSDAY NIGHT.

HOW COME YOU ALWAYS READ KOVE'S

BOOKS?

YOU NEVER READ MY BOOKS.

>> Sam: SHE PICKS GREAT BOOKS.

>> Jessie: YOU CAN'T GO WRONG

WITH EROTIC VAMPIRE FICTION.

>> Trent: LITTLE RESPECT,

PLEASE.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GUARDING

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S BIRTH

CERTIFICATE.

>> Alphonse: THAT'S NOT WHAT

THOSE BIRTHERS WOULD HAVE YOU

BELIEVE.

>> Piper: THOSE NUTS.

THEY STILL THINK THAT

GEORGE WASHINGTON WASN'T BORN IN

THE UNITED STATES.

>> Sam: WELL, TECHNICALLY, HE

WASN'T, SEEING AS THE

UNITED STATES DIDN'T EXIST WHEN

HE WAS BORN.

GUYS, BAD NEWS.

WE GOT A BREACH IN THE EAST

WING.

TALK ABOUT A

"NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM."

LOOKS LIKE WE'RE HAVING OUR OWN

NIGHT...

AT THE MUSEUM.

>> Jessie: [ LAUGHS ]

>> Trent: SEE?

PUNS AREN'T THAT EASY.

[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]

>> Trent: FREEZE!

NTSF:SD:SUV::!

>> HEY, BABY.

>> Trent: ELENA?

>> Piper: TRENT, DO YOU KNOW

THIS GUY?

>> Trent: KNOW HIM?

HE'S MY EX-WIFE.

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> Alphonse: HOW MANY WIVES HAVE

YOU HAD?

>> Trent: SEVEN.

BUT ONLY TWO OF THEM WEREN'T

BRUTALLY KILLED BY A TERRORIST

TRYING TO THROW ME OFF MY GAME.

ELENA WAS ONE OF THEM.

SHE DOUBLE-CROSSED ME.

NEVER LOVED ANYONE AS MUCH AS I

LOVED HER.

MAKES ALL MY OTHER WIVES LOOK

LIKE GARBAGE BY COMPARISON.

>> Sam: YOU WERE HIS FOURTH

WIFE?

>> Kove: FOURTH AND SIXTH.

I'LL BE IN MY OFFICE.

>> Alphonse: SO, LET ME GET THIS

STRAIGHT.

YOU WERE MARRIED TO A GUY

DRESSED IN DRAG?

>> Trent: NO.

PERSON I WAS MARRIED TO WAS ALL

WOMAN.

>> Jessie: OR WHAT YOU THOUGHT

WAS A WOMAN.

OUR BODY SCANS SHOW THAT HE --

I MEAN SHE -- HAD A SEX CHANGE.

>> Sam: HAD A GIRLFRIEND DO THAT

ONCE JUST TO BREAK UP WITH ME.

>> Piper: YEAH, I GUESS

RELATIONSHIPS ARE PRETTY TRICKY,

HUH, YOU GUYS?

LIKE WHEN PEOPLE LIE TO YOU AND

TELL YOU THEY'VE READ YOUR BOOK

FOR BOOK CLUB AND THEN THEY

DOUBLE-CROSS YOU.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE A SEX CHANGE.

>> Trent: WHY ARE YOU DOING

STEP AEROBICS?

>> Kove: WHAT DO YOU CARE WHAT

I'M DOING?

ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOUR

LITTLE EX-GIRLFRIEND.

>> Trent: SHE'S MY EX-WIFE.

>> Kove: SO AM I.

>> Trent: LOOK, WE NEED TO

FIND OUT WHO SHE'S WORKING FOR.

>> Kove: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

YOU STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM.

>> Trent: THAT WAS A LONG TIME

AGO.

I CAN HANDLE WHATEVER ELENA

HAS UP HER UNISEX SLEEVE.

>> Kove: FINE.

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

I'M GOING OUT TONIGHT, AND I'M

GOING TO GET LAID.

TWICE.

>> Piper: MONSTER HAS TRENT

WRAPPED AROUND HIS LITTLE

FINGER.

>> Alphonse: WE GOT TO GET HIM

OUT OF THERE.

>> Kove: LET HIM BE.

THE ONLY WAY TO FIND OUT WHO

SHE'S WORKING FOR IS TO LET

TRENT THINK HE'S WORKING FOR US.

BUT IN ACTUALITY, WE ARE WORKING

AGAINST HIM.

>> Piper: WHAT ARE SAYING?

>> Kove: WE NEED TO DOUBLE-CROSS

TRENT TO PROTECT THE SANCTITY OF

AMERICAN HISTORY.

THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO SEND

THEM ON A LITTLE ROAD TRIP.

NOW...IT'S TIME TO GET DRUNK AND

GET FREAKY.

WHO'S WITH ME?

[ RADIO TUNING ]

>> SAME OLD TRENT.

JUST PICK A STATION AND STICK

WITH IT.

>> Trent: YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE NOT MY WIFE ANYMORE.

I'LL PICK MY OWN STATIONS.

>> NOT LIKE THOSE OLD DAYS.

[ CHUCKLES ] REMEMBER THE MIATA?

>> Trent: YEAH, THAT WAS A PIECE

OF JUNK.

I HAVE AN S.U.V. NOW.

>> THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO

TELL YOU.

I WASN'T ALWAYS A WOMAN.

I-I WAS BORN A MAN.

I HAD A SEX CHANGE SO I COULD GO

UNDERCOVER AS YOUR WIFE.

>> Trent: [ SCOFFS ]

SO, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO A MAN.

>> A BLACK MAN.

THIS ISN'T MY REAL FACE EITHER.

I'M ON ANOTHER MISSION RIGHT

NOW.

>> Trent: SO, YOU'RE BLACK?

>> AND GAY.

BUT JUST FOR THE MISSION.

THAT'S ALL. I PROMISE.

I WON'T DOUBLE-CROSS YOU AGAIN.

>> Trent: ALL RIGHT. FINE.

I TRUST YOU.

>> I'M ALSO ALLERGIC TO CATS.

>> Trent: WHAT?

[ UP-TEMPO ROCK-'N'-ROLL MUSIC

PLAYING ]

>> THE FRANKLIN AVENUE

SAFEHOUSE.

HOW ROMANTIC.

>> Trent: NOT ROMANTIC.

IT'S CONVENIENT.

>> WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES HERE,

THOUGH, DIDN'T WE?

>> [ GRUNTING ]

>> ANYWAY, THERE'S ONLY ONE BED,

AND YOU HAVE A BAD BACK, AND I'M

SUSCEPTIBLE TO COLDS FROM DRAFTY

FLOORS, SO...

LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO

SHARE.

>> Trent: WHAT IS THIS?

DUMBEST THING EVER.

JUST STOP EATING.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

>> DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

I SLEEPY IN THE NUDIE.

>> Trent: IS THAT --

>> YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME?

YES.

LET'S PUT ON SOME TUNEAGE.

[ SLOW MUSIC PLAYS ]

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.

>> Trent: STOP THIS.

WHAT THE HELL?

YOU DOUBLE-CROSSED ME.

>> SORRY, HONEY.

YOU KNOW I ALWAYS LIKE TO BE ON

TOP.

>> Kove: YOU WERE GOOD.

BUT I WAS BETTER.

>> Trent: NTSF:SD:SUV::!

TAKE A BREAK.

>> OKAY. THANKS.

IT'LL GIVE ME A CHANCE TO GET

BACK TO MY BOOK.

>> Trent: I'M READING THAT, TOO.

>> "DIARY OF A TEENAGE FAT

GIRL"?

>> Trent: YEAH

>> HEY, WHY DOESN'T SHE JUST

STOP EATIN' SO DAMN MUCH?

>> Trent: EXACTLY, RIGHT?

DON'T GO TO THE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT

BUFFET, RIGHT?

>> RIGHT.

>> Trent: THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

NOW GET OUT OF HERE.

>> THOUGHT WE MADE A CONNECTION.

>> Trent: SO, WAS THIS YOUR PLAN

ALL ALONG -- TO PLAY ME IN A

HILARIOUS GAME OF BALDERDASH?

>> I'D EXPLAIN, BUT YOU WOULDN'T

UNDERSTAND.

>> Piper: WHY DON'T YOU TRY

EXPLAINING IT TO ME?

>> Trent: PIPER.

>> Piper: SORRY, TRENT.

WE HAD TO DOUBLE-CROSS YOU TO

FIND OUT EXACTLY WHO HE --

SHE -- THIS PERSON WAS WORKING

FOR.

NOW GIVE ME YOUR GUN.

>> GLADLY.

>> Piper: WHAT THE...

>> THAT GUN IS A BOMB.

TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF OF IT, AND

YOU'LL EXPERIENCE WHAT IS

TECHNICALLY KNOWN AS "KABLUNGO."

LOOKS LIKE I JUST DOUBLE-CROSSED

YOUR DOUBLE CROSS.

LET'S GO.

>> Piper: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT

HAPPENED IN "DIARY OF A TEENAGE

FAT GIRL," TRENT, AND YOU WOULD

HAVE KNOWN THAT IF YOU HAD READ

IT!

>> I'LL TAKE THAT BIRTH

CERTIFICATE.

>> Trent: S.A.M., WHAT ARE YOU

DOING HERE?

>> I HAVE DECIDED TO

DOUBLE-CROSS THE DOUBLE CROSS

AND CREATE A NEW VARIANT --

EL TRIPLE CRUZ.

>> Trent: YOU TRIPLE-CRUZED ME.

>> I'M TURNING YOU BOTH IN TO

THE PRESIDENT OF THE NAVY.

>> WHOO!

YEAH! SUCK IT!

>> MR. PRESIDENT, HERE'S THE

MAN I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.

>> GOOD WORK, MY FRIEND...

AND LOVER.

>> LOVER?

>> I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH THIS

FINE PIECE OF ASS FOR OVER A

MONTH ON A PLAN TO FINALLY

PROTECT GEORGE WASHINGTON'S

BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

YOU SEE, GEORGE WASHINGTON

WASN'T BORN IN THE

UNITED STATES.

HELL, HE WASN'T EVEN BORN ON

THIS PLANET.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THIS DOCUMENT IS A FORGERY.

IF IT GOT OUT, IT WOULD DESTROY

THE COUNTRY.

>> Trent: SO YOU HIRED ELENA TO

STEAL THE REAL DOCUMENT AND

REPLACE IT WITH A FORGERY...

TO PROTECT AMERICA.

>> AS YOU SEE, I'M ON EVERYONE'S

SIDE.

>> WE CREATED A DOMINO EFFECT OF

DOUBLE CROSSES.

IT'S CALLED THE CROSS-DOUBLE

SQUARE.

NEVER USED AND HIGHLY

CLASSIFIED.

ONLY TWO PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT IT --

MYSELF...

AND MY ROCKIN' LOVER!

[ SHRIEKS ]

>> [ GROWLS ]

>> ELENA, LET'S ROLL.

I WANT TO GET MY BANG ON.

TRENT, DON'T LOOK AWAY.

YouTube IT AND SEND IT OUT TO

THE PEOPLE AND LET THEM KNOW

THAT THE PRESIDENT OF THE NAVY

LIKES TO GET HIS BANG ON --

NASTY, NASTY BANG ON!

>> WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS KEEP

YOUR HAND ON THE GUN.

>> Trent: OH. LOOKS LIKE

AMERICAN HISTORY IS SAFE -- FOR

NOW.

>> Piper: OH, LOOK.

WE'RE ALL TOGETHER.

DOES ANYONE WANT TO DISCUSS

"DIARY OF A TEENAGE FAT GIRL"

WITH ME?

LOOK. A NOTE.

IT'S FROM ELENA TO TRENT.

"THE ONLY DOUBLE CROSS I REGRET

IS NOT NOT NOT LOVING YOU."

>> Trent: SO, HE DID LOVE ME.

>> HUMAN LOVE IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR

ME TO UNDERSTAND.

>> Sam: WELL, YOU CAN'T TURN

LOVE INTO A MATHEMATICAL

EQUATION, S.A.M.

>> EXACTLY, WHICH WILL GIVE US

LEVERAGE IN THE UPCOMING WAR

AGAINST HUMANITY.

>> Sam: WHAT?

WHAT DID THAT MEAN?

>> Piper: NOW THAT THE BOMB'S

GONE OFF, MAYBE NOW WE SHOULD

DISCUSS, UH, "DIARY OF A TEENAGE

FAT GIRL."

OH, WAIT. I FORGOT.

YOU GUYS STILL HAVEN'T READ IT.

>> Kove: ACTUALLY, WE DID.

>> Alphonse: WE DOUBLE-CROSSED

YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> * OH-OH, OH-OH

* OH-OH, OH-OH

* OH-OH, OH-OH

* OH-OH, OH-OH

* OH-OH, OH-OH

* OH-OH, OH-OH

* LOOKS LIKE WE MADE IT

* FROM THE BOTTOM TO THE TOP, WE

CLIMB *

* AND NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US

NOW *

* WE USED TO DREAM ABOUT THE DAY

WE'D COME UP *

* NOW THAT WE'RE HERE, WE AIN'T

NEVER COMIN' DOWN *

* LOOKS LIKE

* WE AIN'T NEVER COMIN' DOWN

* LOOKS LIKE WE MADE IT

* NEVER COMIN' DOWN

* LOOKS LIKE WE'RE NEVER, NEVER,

NEVER COMIN' DOWN *