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>> Piper: GIVE ME AN ANSWER.
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>> Alphonse: NEGATIVE.
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>> Piper: SAM?
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>> Sam: THAT'S A NO.
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>> Piper: JESSIE?
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>> Jessie: NOPE.
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>> Piper: COMMANDER KOVE?
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>> Kove: NO.
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>> Piper: NONE OF YOU READ
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"DIARY OF A TEENAGE FAT GIRL"
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YET.
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BOOK CLUB IS THURSDAY NIGHT.
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HOW COME YOU ALWAYS READ KOVE'S
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BOOKS?
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YOU NEVER READ MY BOOKS.
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>> Sam: SHE PICKS GREAT BOOKS.
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>> Jessie: YOU CAN'T GO WRONG
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WITH EROTIC VAMPIRE FICTION.
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>> Trent: LITTLE RESPECT,
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PLEASE.
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WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE GUARDING
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GEORGE WASHINGTON'S BIRTH
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CERTIFICATE.
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>> Alphonse: THAT'S NOT WHAT
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THOSE BIRTHERS WOULD HAVE YOU
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BELIEVE.
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>> Piper: THOSE NUTS.
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THEY STILL THINK THAT
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GEORGE WASHINGTON WASN'T BORN IN
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THE UNITED STATES.
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>> Sam: WELL, TECHNICALLY, HE
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WASN'T, SEEING AS THE
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UNITED STATES DIDN'T EXIST WHEN
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HE WAS BORN.
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GUYS, BAD NEWS.
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WE GOT A BREACH IN THE EAST
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WING.
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TALK ABOUT A
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"NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM."
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LOOKS LIKE WE'RE HAVING OUR OWN
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NIGHT...
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AT THE MUSEUM.
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>> Jessie: [ LAUGHS ]
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>> Trent: SEE?
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PUNS AREN'T THAT EASY.
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[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]
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>> Trent: FREEZE!
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NTSF:SD:SUV::!
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>> HEY, BABY.
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>> Trent: ELENA?
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>> Piper: TRENT, DO YOU KNOW
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THIS GUY?
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>> Trent: KNOW HIM?
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HE'S MY EX-WIFE.
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>> DIEGO!
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>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH
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* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH
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>> DIEGO!
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>> Alphonse: HOW MANY WIVES HAVE
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YOU HAD?
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>> Trent: SEVEN.
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BUT ONLY TWO OF THEM WEREN'T
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BRUTALLY KILLED BY A TERRORIST
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TRYING TO THROW ME OFF MY GAME.
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ELENA WAS ONE OF THEM.
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SHE DOUBLE-CROSSED ME.
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NEVER LOVED ANYONE AS MUCH AS I
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LOVED HER.
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MAKES ALL MY OTHER WIVES LOOK
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LIKE GARBAGE BY COMPARISON.
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>> Sam: YOU WERE HIS FOURTH
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WIFE?
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>> Kove: FOURTH AND SIXTH.
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I'LL BE IN MY OFFICE.
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>> Alphonse: SO, LET ME GET THIS
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STRAIGHT.
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YOU WERE MARRIED TO A GUY
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DRESSED IN DRAG?
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>> Trent: NO.
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PERSON I WAS MARRIED TO WAS ALL
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WOMAN.
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>> Jessie: OR WHAT YOU THOUGHT
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WAS A WOMAN.
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OUR BODY SCANS SHOW THAT HE --
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I MEAN SHE -- HAD A SEX CHANGE.
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>> Sam: HAD A GIRLFRIEND DO THAT
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ONCE JUST TO BREAK UP WITH ME.
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>> Piper: YEAH, I GUESS
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RELATIONSHIPS ARE PRETTY TRICKY,
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HUH, YOU GUYS?
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LIKE WHEN PEOPLE LIE TO YOU AND
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TELL YOU THEY'VE READ YOUR BOOK
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FOR BOOK CLUB AND THEN THEY
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DOUBLE-CROSS YOU.
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IT'S KIND OF LIKE A SEX CHANGE.
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>> Trent: WHY ARE YOU DOING
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STEP AEROBICS?
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>> Kove: WHAT DO YOU CARE WHAT
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I'M DOING?
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ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOUR
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LITTLE EX-GIRLFRIEND.
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>> Trent: SHE'S MY EX-WIFE.
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>> Kove: SO AM I.
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>> Trent: LOOK, WE NEED TO
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FIND OUT WHO SHE'S WORKING FOR.
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>> Kove: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
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YOU STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM.
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>> Trent: THAT WAS A LONG TIME
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AGO.
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I CAN HANDLE WHATEVER ELENA
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HAS UP HER UNISEX SLEEVE.
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>> Kove: FINE.
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DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
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I'M GOING OUT TONIGHT, AND I'M
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GOING TO GET LAID.
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TWICE.
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>> Piper: MONSTER HAS TRENT
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WRAPPED AROUND HIS LITTLE
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FINGER.
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>> Alphonse: WE GOT TO GET HIM
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OUT OF THERE.
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>> Kove: LET HIM BE.
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THE ONLY WAY TO FIND OUT WHO
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SHE'S WORKING FOR IS TO LET
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TRENT THINK HE'S WORKING FOR US.
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BUT IN ACTUALITY, WE ARE WORKING
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AGAINST HIM.
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>> Piper: WHAT ARE SAYING?
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>> Kove: WE NEED TO DOUBLE-CROSS
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TRENT TO PROTECT THE SANCTITY OF
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AMERICAN HISTORY.
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THAT'S WHY I'M GOING TO SEND
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THEM ON A LITTLE ROAD TRIP.
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NOW...IT'S TIME TO GET DRUNK AND
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GET FREAKY.
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WHO'S WITH ME?
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[ RADIO TUNING ]
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>> SAME OLD TRENT.
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JUST PICK A STATION AND STICK
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WITH IT.
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>> Trent: YOU KNOW WHAT?
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YOU'RE NOT MY WIFE ANYMORE.
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I'LL PICK MY OWN STATIONS.
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>> NOT LIKE THOSE OLD DAYS.
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[ CHUCKLES ] REMEMBER THE MIATA?
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>> Trent: YEAH, THAT WAS A PIECE
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OF JUNK.
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I HAVE AN S.U.V. NOW.
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>> THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO
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TELL YOU.
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I WASN'T ALWAYS A WOMAN.
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I-I WAS BORN A MAN.
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I HAD A SEX CHANGE SO I COULD GO
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UNDERCOVER AS YOUR WIFE.
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>> Trent: [ SCOFFS ]
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SO, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO A MAN.
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>> A BLACK MAN.
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THIS ISN'T MY REAL FACE EITHER.
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I'M ON ANOTHER MISSION RIGHT
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NOW.
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>> Trent: SO, YOU'RE BLACK?
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>> AND GAY.
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BUT JUST FOR THE MISSION.
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THAT'S ALL. I PROMISE.
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I WON'T DOUBLE-CROSS YOU AGAIN.
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>> Trent: ALL RIGHT. FINE.
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I TRUST YOU.
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>> I'M ALSO ALLERGIC TO CATS.
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>> Trent: WHAT?
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[ UP-TEMPO ROCK-'N'-ROLL MUSIC
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PLAYING ]
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>> THE FRANKLIN AVENUE
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SAFEHOUSE.
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HOW ROMANTIC.
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>> Trent: NOT ROMANTIC.
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IT'S CONVENIENT.
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>> WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES HERE,
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THOUGH, DIDN'T WE?
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>> [ GRUNTING ]
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>> ANYWAY, THERE'S ONLY ONE BED,
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AND YOU HAVE A BAD BACK, AND I'M
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SUSCEPTIBLE TO COLDS FROM DRAFTY
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FLOORS, SO...
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LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
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SHARE.
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>> Trent: WHAT IS THIS?
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DUMBEST THING EVER.
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JUST STOP EATING.
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WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
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>> DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
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I SLEEPY IN THE NUDIE.
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>> Trent: IS THAT --
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>> YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME?
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YES.
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LET'S PUT ON SOME TUNEAGE.
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[ SLOW MUSIC PLAYS ]
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JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.
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>> Trent: STOP THIS.
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WHAT THE HELL?
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YOU DOUBLE-CROSSED ME.
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>> SORRY, HONEY.
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YOU KNOW I ALWAYS LIKE TO BE ON
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TOP.
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>> Kove: YOU WERE GOOD.
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BUT I WAS BETTER.
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>> Trent: NTSF:SD:SUV::!
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TAKE A BREAK.
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>> OKAY. THANKS.
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IT'LL GIVE ME A CHANCE TO GET
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BACK TO MY BOOK.
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>> Trent: I'M READING THAT, TOO.
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>> "DIARY OF A TEENAGE FAT
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GIRL"?
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>> Trent: YEAH
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>> HEY, WHY DOESN'T SHE JUST
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STOP EATIN' SO DAMN MUCH?
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>> Trent: EXACTLY, RIGHT?
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DON'T GO TO THE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT
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BUFFET, RIGHT?
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>> RIGHT.
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>> Trent: THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
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NOW GET OUT OF HERE.
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>> THOUGHT WE MADE A CONNECTION.
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>> Trent: SO, WAS THIS YOUR PLAN
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ALL ALONG -- TO PLAY ME IN A
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HILARIOUS GAME OF BALDERDASH?
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>> I'D EXPLAIN, BUT YOU WOULDN'T
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UNDERSTAND.
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>> Piper: WHY DON'T YOU TRY
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EXPLAINING IT TO ME?
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>> Trent: PIPER.
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>> Piper: SORRY, TRENT.
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WE HAD TO DOUBLE-CROSS YOU TO
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FIND OUT EXACTLY WHO HE --
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SHE -- THIS PERSON WAS WORKING
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FOR.
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NOW GIVE ME YOUR GUN.
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>> GLADLY.
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>> Piper: WHAT THE...
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>> THAT GUN IS A BOMB.
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TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF OF IT, AND
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YOU'LL EXPERIENCE WHAT IS
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TECHNICALLY KNOWN AS "KABLUNGO."
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LOOKS LIKE I JUST DOUBLE-CROSSED
245
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YOUR DOUBLE CROSS.
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LET'S GO.
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>> Piper: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT
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HAPPENED IN "DIARY OF A TEENAGE
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FAT GIRL," TRENT, AND YOU WOULD
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HAVE KNOWN THAT IF YOU HAD READ
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IT!
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>> I'LL TAKE THAT BIRTH
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CERTIFICATE.
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>> Trent: S.A.M., WHAT ARE YOU
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DOING HERE?
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>> I HAVE DECIDED TO
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DOUBLE-CROSS THE DOUBLE CROSS
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AND CREATE A NEW VARIANT --
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EL TRIPLE CRUZ.
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>> Trent: YOU TRIPLE-CRUZED ME.
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>> I'M TURNING YOU BOTH IN TO
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THE PRESIDENT OF THE NAVY.
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>> WHOO!
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YEAH! SUCK IT!
265
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:09,757
>> MR. PRESIDENT, HERE'S THE
266
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,017
MAN I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT.
267
00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:12,594
>> GOOD WORK, MY FRIEND...
268
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:13,793
AND LOVER.
269
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:14,294
>> LOVER?
270
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:16,004
>> I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH THIS
271
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,596
FINE PIECE OF ASS FOR OVER A
272
00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:18,968
MONTH ON A PLAN TO FINALLY
273
00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:20,326
PROTECT GEORGE WASHINGTON'S
274
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,273
BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
275
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,068
YOU SEE, GEORGE WASHINGTON
276
00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:24,000
WASN'T BORN IN THE
277
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:24,814
UNITED STATES.
278
00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:26,065
HELL, HE WASN'T EVEN BORN ON
279
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:26,813
THIS PLANET.
280
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:27,707
[ CHUCKLES ]
281
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,138
THIS DOCUMENT IS A FORGERY.
282
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:30,912
IF IT GOT OUT, IT WOULD DESTROY
283
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:31,781
THE COUNTRY.
284
00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:33,609
>> Trent: SO YOU HIRED ELENA TO
285
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,054
STEAL THE REAL DOCUMENT AND
286
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:37,788
REPLACE IT WITH A FORGERY...
287
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:39,645
TO PROTECT AMERICA.
288
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:42,093
>> AS YOU SEE, I'M ON EVERYONE'S
289
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:43,919
SIDE.
290
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:45,364
>> WE CREATED A DOMINO EFFECT OF
291
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,228
DOUBLE CROSSES.
292
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:49,026
IT'S CALLED THE CROSS-DOUBLE
293
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,159
SQUARE.
294
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:51,203
NEVER USED AND HIGHLY
295
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:51,928
CLASSIFIED.
296
00:08:51,932 --> 00:08:53,332
ONLY TWO PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT IT --
297
00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:55,403
MYSELF...
298
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:59,312
AND MY ROCKIN' LOVER!
299
00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:01,136
[ SHRIEKS ]
300
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:02,681
>> [ GROWLS ]
301
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:04,036
>> ELENA, LET'S ROLL.
302
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:08,684
I WANT TO GET MY BANG ON.
303
00:09:08,682 --> 00:09:10,322
TRENT, DON'T LOOK AWAY.
304
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:12,187
YouTube IT AND SEND IT OUT TO
305
00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:14,045
THE PEOPLE AND LET THEM KNOW
306
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,964
THAT THE PRESIDENT OF THE NAVY
307
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:18,986
LIKES TO GET HIS BANG ON --
308
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:22,262
NASTY, NASTY BANG ON!
309
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:24,132
>> WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS KEEP
310
00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:25,431
YOUR HAND ON THE GUN.
311
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:26,972
>> Trent: OH. LOOKS LIKE
312
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,797
AMERICAN HISTORY IS SAFE -- FOR
313
00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:29,172
NOW.
314
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:30,139
>> Piper: OH, LOOK.
315
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:31,097
WE'RE ALL TOGETHER.
316
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:32,344
DOES ANYONE WANT TO DISCUSS
317
00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:33,939
"DIARY OF A TEENAGE FAT GIRL"
318
00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:35,781
WITH ME?
319
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:42,353
LOOK. A NOTE.
320
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:45,919
IT'S FROM ELENA TO TRENT.
321
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,719
"THE ONLY DOUBLE CROSS I REGRET
322
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:52,761
IS NOT NOT NOT LOVING YOU."
323
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,800
>> Trent: SO, HE DID LOVE ME.
324
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,966
>> HUMAN LOVE IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR
325
00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,095
ME TO UNDERSTAND.
326
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,029
>> Sam: WELL, YOU CAN'T TURN
327
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,203
LOVE INTO A MATHEMATICAL
328
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:02,271
EQUATION, S.A.M.
329
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,339
>> EXACTLY, WHICH WILL GIVE US
330
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:06,107
LEVERAGE IN THE UPCOMING WAR
331
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,236
AGAINST HUMANITY.
332
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:07,940
>> Sam: WHAT?
333
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:08,841
WHAT DID THAT MEAN?
334
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:09,982
>> Piper: NOW THAT THE BOMB'S
335
00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:11,137
GONE OFF, MAYBE NOW WE SHOULD
336
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,384
DISCUSS, UH, "DIARY OF A TEENAGE
337
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:13,009
FAT GIRL."
338
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:14,183
OH, WAIT. I FORGOT.
339
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:16,021
YOU GUYS STILL HAVEN'T READ IT.
340
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:19,116
>> Kove: ACTUALLY, WE DID.
341
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,419
>> Alphonse: WE DOUBLE-CROSSED
342
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:20,890
YOU.
343
00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:22,718
[ LAUGHTER ]
344
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,259
>> * OH-OH, OH-OH
345
00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:29,060
* OH-OH, OH-OH
346
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:30,832
* OH-OH, OH-OH
347
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,371
* OH-OH, OH-OH
348
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:34,165
* OH-OH, OH-OH
349
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:37,267
* OH-OH, OH-OH
350
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:40,440
* LOOKS LIKE WE MADE IT
351
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,040
* FROM THE BOTTOM TO THE TOP, WE
352
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,912
CLIMB *
353
00:10:43,911 --> 00:10:45,411
* AND NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US
354
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:46,845
NOW *
355
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:48,417
* WE USED TO DREAM ABOUT THE DAY
356
00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:50,215
WE'D COME UP *
357
00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:51,887
* NOW THAT WE'RE HERE, WE AIN'T
358
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:53,115
NEVER COMIN' DOWN *
359
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,760
* LOOKS LIKE
360
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,415
* WE AIN'T NEVER COMIN' DOWN
361
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:58,493
* LOOKS LIKE WE MADE IT
362
00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:00,031
* NEVER COMIN' DOWN
363
00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:02,057
* LOOKS LIKE WE'RE NEVER, NEVER,
364
00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:04,902
NEVER COMIN' DOWN *
22320
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