Original subtitles

>> Trent: CHEROKEE AND JERICHO

MADE THESE...FOR ME?

>> Kove: THEY MISS WHEN WE WERE

MARRIED, WHEN WE WERE A FAMILY.

SOMETIMES I THINK THEY MIGHT BE

RIGHT.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> Trent: SHUT THE HELL UP FOR A

SECOND.

I GOT A PHONE CALL.

HELLO?

>> OH, TRENT HOUSER.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE THE HERO.

>> Trent: I'M NOT THE HERO.

CELEBRITIES ARE THE REAL HEROES.

>> MAYBE YOU DO YOUR JOB TOO

WELL.

>> Trent: WHO THE HELL IS THIS?

>> REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED FIVE

YEARS AGO TODAY?

>> Trent: YEAH, CUT OUT DAIRY --

BEST DECISION I'VE EVER MADE.

>> NO, THAT'S...

THAT'S NOT IT.

YOU LEFT ME...FOR DEAD.

>> Trent: YOU GOT TO BE MORE

SPECIFIC, PAL.

I'VE LEFT HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE FOR

DEAD.

>> HOW'S THIS FOR SPECIFICITY?

I'VE GOT YOUR KIDS, AND I'M AT

THE OLD ABANDONED SUGAR MILL.

IF YOU DON'T BRING ME A MILLION

DOLLARS, I'M GONNA KILL THEM

AND EVERYONE ELSE IN SAN DIEGO.

>> Trent: THAT'S PRETTY

SPECIFIC.

>> Kove: IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

>> Trent: LOOK, JUST BECAUSE

YOU'RE MY EX-WIFE DOESN'T MEAN

YOU CAN ASK ME QUESTIONS

WHENEVER YOU WANT.

>> Kove: I MIGHT BE YOUR

EX-WIFE, BUT I'M ALSO YOUR

SUPERIOR, SO I'M ASKING THIS

QUESTION AS YOUR BOSS, NOT YOUR

EX-WIFE.

>> Trent: WELL, IF YOU'RE MY

BOSS, THEN I QUIT.

>> Kove: YOU CAN'T QUIT.

>> Trent: SORRY.

I GOT TO DO THIS ALONE.

>> Kove: DO WHAT ALONE?

>> Trent: [ SIGHS ]

>> Kove: GO TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY,

OKAY?

STOP WITH THE QUESTIONS.

YOU'RE MY EX-WIFE.

>> Kove: I WONDER WHOSE BIRTHDAY

IT IS.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

PIPER, DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT A PARTY?

>> Piper: HELLO?

>> PIPER FERGUSON.

>> Piper: I'LL BE THERE IN 15

MINUTES.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

I-I HAVE YOUR FIANCé, TUCKER.

>> Piper: I GOT IT. 15 MINUTES.

>> I DIDN'T TELL YOU WHERE YET.

>> Piper: FINE. WHERE?

>> THE OLD ABANDONED SUGAR MILL.

>> Piper: I'M ON MY WAY.

>> OH, HOLD ON.

HOLD -- BRING A MILLION DOLLARS.

>> Piper: GOT IT.

>> YOU DON'T WANT TO --

>> Kove: OH, IS THAT ABOUT THE

BIRTHDAY PARTY, PIPER?

>> Piper: YOU'RE NOT MY WIFE!

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

>> Alphonse: NOT MY WIFE.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

[ BEEP ]

[ BEEP ]

>> Sam: IF ANYBODY ASKS, TELL

THEM I'M AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY OR

SOMETHING.

YOU'RE NOT MY WIFE.

>> Kove: DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A

PARTY ANYWAY.

TOO MUCH GOING ON.

[ GASPS ]

OH! WAS THAT A CALL?!

[ GASPS ]

PHANTOM CALL.

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

[ GUN COCKS ]

>> Trent: NTSF!

THIS IS A NATIONAL EMERGENCY.

I NEED YOU TO OPEN UP THAT SAFE

RIGHT NOW AND GIVE ME A MILLION

DOLLARS.

>> I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO THE

SAFE.

>> Trent: YOU DON'T?

UH...

GIVE ME SOME OF THESE LOTTO

SCRATCH-OFFS, THEN.

GIVE ME THE PIT-BULL ONES!

>> Piper: HEY, EDDIE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> WATCHING EVIDENCE AND EATING

NOODLES -- SAME THING I DO EVERY

DAY.

>> Piper: NEAT.

SO...

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING THAT

YOU AND I SHOULD REALLY GO OUT

FOR A DRINK TO JUST FINALLY GET

TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS INSANE

CHEMISTRY THAT'S HAPPENING

BETWEEN US.

>> REALLY?

>> Piper: PRETTY CRAZY.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> IT'S JUST NOT A GOOD TIME.

I JUST FOUND OUT THAT MY WIFE,

TO WHOM I'VE BEEN MARRIED

HAPPILY FOR 14 YEARS...

IS A DUDE WHO TUCKS HIS

DING-A-LING...

BETWEEN HIS LEGS.

>> Piper: SO MAYBE TOMORROW?

>> YEAH.

>> Piper: OKAY, EDDIE.

OH, ALSO, BEFORE I FORGET, UM,

IS THERE ANY WAY THAT I COULD

BORROW THAT MILLION DOLLARS THAT

WE CONFISCATED FROM THE

ETHIOPIAN DRUG RING?

>> NO!

[ Laughing ] IT'S TOTALLY

AGAINST THE RULES.

>> Piper: WAS THAT AGAINST THE

RULES, EDDIE?

WHERE'S THAT MILLION DOLLARS?

[ BEEPING ]

>> Sam: $200 MAX.

SHOOT!

[ BEEPING ]

>> WHAT'S THE HOLD-UP?

>> Sam: HEY, CALM DOWN, MAN.

I GOT TO DO THIS ABOUT 4,997

MORE TIMES.

>> CUTTING OFF PHONES.

WAREHOUSE.

>> Kove: HI, 4-SIGHT.

>> HI.

>> Kove: CAN YOU HEAR ME?

>> YEAH.

>> Kove: HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY

MYSTERIOUS PHONE CALLS LATELY?

>> YES. SEVERAL CALLS.

BIRTHDAY PARTY.

REALLY WANT TO GO.

CAN'T SURVIVE OUTSIDE THOUGHT

GOO.

>> Kove: THE DAMN PRE-COG GOT AN

INVITE.

REALLY? UNBELIEVABLE.

>> Alphonse: YO, EDDIE, I NEED A

MILLION DOLLARS A.S.A.P.

[ CLATTER ]

>> YOU GUYS ALWAYS PUT ME IN

THESE WEIRD POSITIONS, AND I

DON'T APPRECIATE IT.

LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU.

>> Trent: COME ON!

AH!

[ LAUGHS ]

I WON!

I WON!

>> ALL RIGHT, MAN!

>> Trent: I WON!

YEAH!

YEAH!

>> WAY TO GO, MAN!

>> Trent: ALL RIGHT.

NOW GIVE ME A MILLION DOLLARS.

>> THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.

YOU GOT TO TAKE THAT TICKET UP

TO THE STATE LOTTERY OFFICE.

>> Trent: WAIT.

BUT MAYBE IF I JUST GAVE IT TO

SOMEONE, WOULD THEY ACCEPT IT AS

CASH?

[ WINGS FLAPPING ]

>> Trent: PIPER!

>> Piper: TRENT?

ALPHONSE?

>> Sam: I'M HERE, TOO, GUYS.

>> Alphonse: WELL, IF WE'RE ALL

HERE, THEN WE ALL GOT

BLACKMAILED.

[ METAL CLINKING ]

>> WELL DONE.

WELL DONE, NTSF:SD:SUV::.

>> Trent: [ SCOFFS ]

WHERE ARE MY KIDS?

>> Piper: WHERE'S MY FIANCé?

>> I DIDN'T KIDNAP ANY OF THEM.

>> Sam: WAIT A SECOND.

SO, YOU'RE NOT

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE, AND YOU'RE

NOT LOOKING FOR A NEW DRUMMER?

>> Trent: NO, SAM.

HE'S NOT MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE BY

A LONG SHOT.

>> Piper: HIS NAME'S CHIP.

>> Trent: CHIP!

WE NEED THOSE CODES!

>> ONE SECOND.

YES! I'M IN.

I'VE ACCESSED THE MAINFRAME.

>> HYAH!

>> AAH!

OW! MY RIGHT THUMB!

[ NINJAS GRUNTING ]

>> Alphonse: WHOA.

>> Piper: OH, I DON'T HAVE A

SHOT!

>> Alphonse: WE DON'T WANT TO

HIT THE COMPUTER, MAN!

>> Trent: PULL BACK!

TOO MANY NINJAS!

>> WAIT! HELP!

WHAT ABOUT ME?!

>> Trent: SORRY, CHIP.

THERE'S NO TIME.

>> Piper: YOU'RE A LOST CAUSE,

CHIP!

>> Alphonse: YOU'RE AS GOOD AS

DEAD, MAN!

>> NO, I'VE STILL GOT MY LEFT

THUMB!

I'M OKAY!

>> HYAH!

>> AAAAAH!

MY LEFT THUMB!

[ GRUNTS ]

>> Trent: OH.

NAY.

>> Piper: HE USED TO HAVE YOUR

JOB AT NTSF BEFORE HE QUIT.

>> I DID NOT QUIT!

NINJAS CUT MY THUMBS OFF, AND

YOU GUYS LEFT ME FOR DEAD.

FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS, MY LIFE

HAS BEEN A LIVING HELL.

I'VE WANDERED THE EARTH FROM

TOWN TO TOWN...

LIKE A THUMBLESS

INCREDIBLE HULK WITHOUT ANY

POWERS.

WHEN I WOULD WALK THE STREETS,

WOMEN WOULD TURN THEIR HEADS AND

WEEP.

MEN WOULD CRINGE.

CHILDREN WOULD SCREAM, "HERE

HE COMES.

HERE COMES THE MONSTER.

HERE COMES THE THUMBLESS FREAK!"

>> Trent: WHAT, SO THIS IS OUR

FAULT?

>> YES!

>> Alphonse: WELL, DUDE, I MEAN,

IF YOU SURVIVED, WHY DIDN'T YOU

JUST COME BACK TO WORK?

>> I WAS DEPRESSED.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T HAVE ANY

THUMBS.

I WAS THUMBLESS.

>> Trent: FACE IT.

YOU SOUND LIKE A REAL LOSER.

>> [ SCOFFS ]

YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG, HAUSER.

I AM NOT A LOSER.

I'M THE BOMB.

>> Piper: OKAY, HE'S GOT A BOMB.

>> Sam: OKAY. CALM DOWN.

>> Kove: I WANT YOU TO RUN A

DATABASE CHECK ON EVERYONE IN

THE UNITED STATES WHO HAS A

BIRTHDAY TODAY.

>> SEARCHING.

WELL, NO ONE HAS A BIRTHDAY

TODAY, BUT IT IS THE FIFTH

ANNIVERSARY OF WHEN CHIP GOT HIS

THUMBS CUT OFF WHEN WE LEFT HIM

FOR DEAD.

>> Kove: SO...

CHIP'S HAVING A PARTY.

>> Piper: OKAY.

SO, UM, WHAT, ARE YOU JUST GONNA

BLOW US ALL UP?

WHAT DID YOU NEED THE $4 MILLION

FOR?

>> I'M GONNA DESTROY A LOT OF

THE STATE PARK WHEN I KILL YOU

ALL, SO I'M GIVING IT BACK TO

THE PARK SERVICE TO REBUILD

'CAUSE I'M NOT A DICK.

>> Sam: YEAH, BUT WON'T THE

MONEY GET BLOWN UP, TOO?

>> Y-Y...

JUST GIVE ME THE MONEY.

GIVE ME THE MONEY.

GIVE IT UP. GIVE IT UP.

GIVE IT UP.

>> Trent: HERE YOU GO.

>> WHAT'S THIS?

>> Trent: A LOTTO TICKET.

IT'S GOOD FOR A MILLION BUCKS.

JUST BRING IT DOWN TO THE LOTTO

OFFICE.

THEY'LL CASH IT IN.

>> WHAT ABOUT THE TAXES?

I'M GONNA HAVE TO REPORT THIS TO

THE I.R.S.

THEY'LL TAKE LIKE 50%.

>> Trent: WHAT DO YOU WANT,

CHIP?

YOUR OLD JOB BACK?

>> WAIT, IS THAT AN OPTION?

>> Trent: YEAH. SURE.

YOU GOT IT BACK.

>> SERIOUS?

>> Trent: YEAH.

>> YOU GUYS WOULD HAVE ME BACK

AT NTSF, FORGET ABOUT THE BOMB?

>> Trent: [ SCOFFS ]

WHAT BOMB?

ALL I SEE IS A GUY WEARING A

FUTURE VEST WITH A COUPLE CLOCKS

PUT ON IT.

>> Alphonse: I MEAN, YOU CAN'T

ARREST A GUY JUST FOR DRESSING

WEIRD.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> Trent: SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

BACK ON THE TEAM?

>> [ Laughing ] I DON'T KNOW,

MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

UM...

YEAH. I AM IN.

[ LAUGHS ]

I WILL SEE YOU GUYS ON MONDAY.

OH, MY GOD!

IT'S SO FUN BEING BACK!

IT'S SO FUN!

>> Piper: CHIP'S BACK!

>> THIS IS LIKE MY WELCOME BACK

PARTY, RIGHT?

>> Alphonse: RIGHT!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> Kove: OVER MY DEAD BODY.

[ BLADE UNSHEATHES ]

>> Trent: KOVE WAIT!

>> Kove: NEXT TIME YOU THROW A

PARTY, REMEMBER TO INVITE ME

TOO.

>> AAH!

>> Trent: KOVE, IT'S NOT A

BIRTHDAY PARTY!

>> Kove: DON'T LIE TO ME!

>> Trent: FALL BACK.

KOVE'S FURIOUS. GO! GO!

>> WAIT!

HELP!

YOU GUYS, WHAT ABOUT ME?!

>> Trent: SORRY, CHIP. NO TIME.

>> Piper: YOU'RE A LOST CAUSE,

CHIP!

>> Alphonse: YOU'RE AS GOOD AS

DEAD, MAN!

>> NO.

[ CHUCKLES ]

THESE THUMBS ARE JUST

PROSTHETIC, GUYS.

YOU GUYS JUST HIRED ME BACK.

>> Kove: THEN YOU'RE FIRED

AGAIN, AND THIS IS YOUR

SEVERANCE PACKAGE!

AAH!

>> Trent: AY!