Original subtitles

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> BROS!

CABEZA DEMENTE IS THE BOMB!

I'VE BEEN DRINKING IT ALL NIGHT!

>> YEAH, MAN, I'M SO WASTED

RIGHT NOW.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> [ LAUGHS CRAZILY ]

I'M GONNA LIVE FOREVER!

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

[ PEOPLE GASPING ]

>> IT'S A ONE-STORY WINDOW.

HE'S FINE.

>> I'M FINE.

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

>> YEAH, YEAH!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> YEAH, YEAH!

>> Piper: THE PARTYGOERS SAID HE

JUST JUMPED.

>> Alphonse: THEN EXPLODED.

>> Jessie: IT MAKES SENSE.

ACCORDING TO THIS CAN,

CABEZA DEMENTE IS 30% ALCOHOL,

90% CAFFEINE, AND 12% MATCH

HEADS.

>> Alphonse: WHOA.

THAT'S THE ALCOHOL EQUIVALENT TO

27 LONG ISLAND ICE TEAS.

>> Jessie: OR THE CAFFEINE

EQUIVALENT OF 96 DOUBLE ESPRESSO

HALF-CAFS.

>> Piper: THAT'S LIKE DRINKING

46 SINGLE ESPRESSOS.

>> Trent: TWICE.

>> Jessie: WHICH MADE HIM

LITERALLY COMBUSTIBLE.

>> Trent: WELL, LOOKS LIKE THIS

GUY WENT FROM BEING HIGH TO...

TO, UM...

ALL RIGHT, W-WHO TOOK MY

SUNGLASSES?

>> Piper: I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM.

>> Trent: REALLY?

NO ONE SAW THEM.

>> Jessie: I-I DON'T KNOW.

>> Trent: RIGHT. SO I JUST --

I LOST THEM.

>> Piper: WHEN DID YOU HAVE THEM

ON?

>> Trent: GO [BLEEP] YOURSELF.

>> Alphonse: HEY!

>> Kove: THIS IS THE TENTH

STUDENT DEATH IN THE LAST WEEK

DUE TO A CABEZA DEMENTE-RELATED

EXPLOSION.

GHOST GABBER, WHAT DO YOUR

GHOSTS THINK?

[ INDISTINCT WHISPERING ]

>> OH, THESE GHOSTS DON'T KNOW

[BLEEP]

>> Kove: SINCE THE INTRODUCTION

OF THIS DRINK INTO THE USSD

POPULATION, THE GPA OF THE

ENTIRE SCHOOL HAS GONE DOWN BY

TWO POINTS.

>> Alphonse: WHICH MEANS NOW

THEY'RE RUNNING AT A NEGATIVE

GPA.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> Kove: [ LAUGHS ]

>> Piper: LAUGH IT UP, YOU GUYS.

I GUESS YOU ALL THINK THAT USSD

STUDENTS ARE A BUNCH OF

HARD-PARTYING DOPES.

WELL, GUESS WHAT.

I WENT TO USSD.

AND IF I HADN'T BEEN RECRUITED

BY NTSF MY FRESHMAN YEAR, I

PROBABLY WOULD HAVE GRADUATED,

SO I GUESS I'M A LITTLE INVESTED

IN THIS.

>> Kove: SOMEBODY CALL THE

WHAA-MBULANCE.

WE GOT A FIRST-DEGREE CRY BABY

OVER HERE.

BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, WE HAVE

A PLAN.

WE'RE WORKING WITH THE

FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION ON

THIS ONE.

>> Alphonse: I HATE THOSE GUYS!

>> Trent: THE WORST.

>> I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU

IDIOTS.

>> Kove: GENTLEMEN, MEET

FRANK FORREST.

HE'S FROM THE FDA.

>> Trent: DON'T YOU HAVE SOME

SORT OF FAT-BURNING DOUGHNUT TO

APPROVE?

>> HEY...

DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRIED

IT, PRETTY BOY.

I'VE DROPPED 14 POUNDS IN 16

MONTHS.

>> Kove: FRANK...

WHAT DO YOU AND THE BOYS AT THE

FDA KNOW ABOUT CABEZA DEMENTE?

>> THREE THINGS.

ZERO, ZILCH...

AND NADA.

AND ZILCH JUST LEFT TOWN.

>> Piper: WHERE DID YOU GET THE

CABEZA DEMENTE?

>> [ Slurring ] I WANT TO KISS

YOU.

>> Piper: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

>> LET ME KISS YOU.

>> Piper: NO.

>> GIVE ME A SWEET KISS.

>> Piper: SIT BACK DOWN.

>> SEE, THE VICTIMS REMAIN

PERMANENTLY DRUNK.

THEY'RE USELESS.

>> Trent: IT'S LIKE THEY'RE

PERMANENTLY HIGH.

>> OR DRUNK.

>> Trent: OR HIGH.

>> THEY DRINK THE

CABEZA DEMENTE, RIGHT?

>> Trent: YEAH.

>> SO WHAT DOES THAT MAKE THEM?

>> Trent: HIGH.

>> Piper: I TOLD YOU, I AM NOT

GOING TO KISS YOU.

I NEED AN ANSWER.

>> BALLZ!

>> Piper: YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR

BALLS ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA

CUT 'EM OFF!

>> NO! NO! SEÑOR BALLZ, OKAY?

IT'S THE BEST BAR OFF-CAMPUS.

I GUESS YOU DIDN'T GO TO USSD.

>> Piper: I ACTUALLY NEVER

FINISHED COLLEGE.

>> WOW. THAT'S SAD.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO

GET YOUR DEGREE.

[ GAGS, BELCHES ]

>> Piper: THANK YOU.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'M GOING BACK TO COLLEGE.

>> HERE YOU GO, BUDDY.

ANOTHER SHIPMENT OF CABEZA.

>> DROP IT! FDA!

>> Trent: AND MORE IMPORTANTLY,

NTSF:SD:SUV::!

>> [ GRUNTS ]

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

>> Trent: TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!

FOAM PILL.

>> PRETTY SURE IT'S CYANIDE.

>> Trent: YOU FDA GUYS ARE SO

NAIVE.

>> YOU'RE TOO LATE!

THE BAR'S ALREADY STOCKED!

IT BEGINS AT HOMECOMING FIESTA.

ONE HOUR.

WATER STREET. OCEAN.

BIG GUY, MARIO.

[ GRUNTS ]

>> I DON'T THINK HE QUITE

UNDERSTOOD THE PURPOSE OF A

CYANIDE PILL.

>> Trent: FOAM PILL.

>> IT WAS CYANIDE.

>> Trent: [ SCOFFS ]

GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO AGREE TO

DISAGREE.

>> * I WAKE UP, LOOKING AROUND

ME *

>> Piper: COLLEGE.

>> HEY...

THAT'S MY BED, BITCH.

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> Piper: IT'S GONNA BE A HELL

OF A SEMESTER.

>> Jessie: HMM.

THEY SEEM TO BE EXPLODING FASTER

THE MORE THEY DRINK.

WE HAVE TO FIND A CURE, OR USSD

IS GOING TO BE D.O.A.,

ESPECIALLY IF THEY KEEP

BYOCD'ing.

>> Alphonse: WE JUST NEED TO

SHUT THESE JERKS DOWN.

>> Jessie: DON'T CALL THEM

JERKS.

YOU CAN'T PUT LABELS ON PEOPLE

LIKE THAT.

WAIT A SECOND.

LABELS.

LABELS!

CABEZA HAS A...

>> Both: LABEL!

>> Jessie: IT WAS RIGHT HERE ON

THE LABEL THE WHOLE TIME!

THE MANUFACTURER IS A COMPANY

CALLED FOOD DONE AWESOMELY.

>> Alphonse: I GOT TO TELL

TRENT.

>> IN STACEY'S ROOM!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> PANTY RAID!

[ LAUGHS ]

[ GUNSHOTS ]

>> Piper: NOT TONIGHT, YOU GUYS.

FINALS.

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ]

>> WHOO!

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE WE'RE TOO

LATE.

>> Alphonse: YEAH.

THE ONLY RULE AT THIS PARTY IS

LEAVE YOUR BRAIN AT THE DOOR.

>> GENTLEMEN, TAKE A COLD, HARD

LOOK.

THE FUTURE OF SAN DIEGO JUST

WENT DOWN THE EL BAÑO LIKE A HOT

NUMBER TWO.

>> Trent: WHO'D WANT TO DO THIS?

>> LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT OUR WORK

CUT OUT FOR US.

>> Trent: [ GULPING ]

MMM!

WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

[ LAUGHS ]

I WANT TO KISS YOU.

CAN I KISS YOU?

>> WHAT'S UP WITH HAIR-DO?

>> Alphonse: SOMEBODY MUST HAVE

PUT CABEZA IN TRENT'S THERMOS.

HE'S BEEN POISONED.

>> Trent: YEAH, YOU'VE BEEN

POISONED.

>> Alphonse: NO, YOU'VE BEEN

POISONED!

>> Trent: [ LAUGHS ]

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

COME HERE. OH, COME ON.

[ GRUNTING ]

OH. GIVE ME A KISS.

>> Jessie: ALPHONSE, IT'S

JESSIE.

GET TO THE DOCKS.

FOOD DONE AWESOMELY HAS ANOTHER

SHIPMENT OF CABEZAS COMING IN.

ITS MANIFEST SAYS IT'S BEING

SHIPPED TO A LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL.

IF YOU DON'T DESTROY IT,

SAN DIEGO'S YOUTH WILL BECOME

PERMANENTLY HIGH.

[ BEEP ]

>> Jessie: HELLO?

HELLO?

>> I DID IT.

A CURE FOR CABEZA DEMENTE

SICKNESS.

[ GUNSHOT ]

AAH!

THANKS, TEACH.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LET

HIM DRIVE.

>> Trent: I DRIVE BETTER WHEN

I'M DRUNK...'CAUSE I'M CAREFUL.

MY GOD!

THIS IS THE BEST BURGER I'VE

EVER EATEN!

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR

STOPPING.

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIENDS.

>> Alphonse: ALL RIGHT, LET'S

SPLIT UP.

AND KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED FOR

ANY CABEZA SHIPMENTS.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

ALPHONSE.

>> Jessie: ALPHONSE, OKAY, FIRST

OF ALL, YOU DIDN'T SAY GOODBYE

TO ME LAST TIME WE TALKED, AND

THAT WAS RUDE.

AND SECONDLY, I DID SOME

RESEARCH ON THE INITIALS OF

FOOD DONE AWESOMELY.

>> Alphonse: AND?

>> Jessie: IT'S FDA.

>> Alphonse: FDA?

[ GRUNTS ]

>> LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE NOT

FDA-APPROVED.

>> Trent: YOU?!

WAIT A SECOND.

ARE YOU BEHIND THIS?

>> THAT'S RIGHT, TRENT. ME.

ACTUALLY, THE WHOLE FDA.

WE TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM

FINDING OUT THE TRUTH, BUT ONCE

I REALIZED THAT WAS A LOST

CAUSE, WE DECIDED TO POISON YOU.

>> Trent: YOU'RE SILLY.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?

>> I JUST TOLD YOU, BUT IF YOU

NEED ME TO BE MORE CLEAR,

CABEZA DEMENTE IS A

POPULATION-CONTROL PLAN ORDERED

FROM THE HIGHEST LEVELS OF

GOVERNMENT.

WE'VE DONE IT BEFORE, AND WE'LL

DO IT AGAIN.

FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION IS

JUST MODERATELY PAID

FOOD-AND-DRUG ASSASSINS.

>> Trent: I KNEW IT.

ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T.

TIME-OUT?

OKAY. MM.

>> HERE.

WHY DON'T YOU WASH THAT BURGER

DOWN WITH A NICE DRINK?

[ POP TOP OPENS ]

THIS ONE'S EXTRA STRENGTH.

>> Trent: OH, YOU GET OUT OF

HERE.

GET OUT OF HERE.

>> [ GRUNTS ]

YOU LITTLE MOTHER...

>> Trent: [ LAUGHS ]

OOH-HOO!

[ BANGING ]

>> I HEAR YOU!

YOU DRUNKEN HIPPIE!

>> Trent: [ LAUGHS ]

>> CAN'T HIDE FROM ME.

[ GRUNTS ]

[ GRUNTS ]

>> Trent: HAVE A TASTE OF YOUR

OWN MEDICINE.

>> DRINK UP, HAIR BALL!

>> Trent: [ GRUNTS ] NEVER!

[ GRUNTS ]

[ GRUNTS ]

>> AAH!

>> Trent: TASTE THE FLAVOR

EXPLOSION.

>> OH, I FEEL FUNNY.

[ GRUNTS ]

WHY WERE WE FIGHTING?

>> Trent: [ BELCHES ]

[ EXPLOSION ]

[ CHUCKLING ]

>> Kove: YOU'RE TOO LATE.

HE'S GOT THE PERMANENT DRUNK.

JUST A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE HE

EXPLODES.

>> Piper: NO. I FOUND A CURE.

AND I LEARNED IT AT COLLEGE.

THIS SHOULD BE ENOUGH TO CURE

THE ENTIRE CAMPUS.

OH, THAT'S THE ONLY VIAL.

SO...

>> Trent: IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE

TO MAKE SOME MORE.

>> Kove: NO.

LET THESE STUDENTS LEARN A

LESSON.

DRINKING KILLS.

>> Trent: WHAT ABOUT FRANK?

>> CSI UNIT COULDN'T FIND A

BODY.

>> Trent: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

I SAW HIM BLOW UP.

>> Kove: YOU WERE SO DRUNK, YOU

DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SAW.

FRANK FORREST IS STILL ON THE

LOOSE.

AS LONG AS HE'S ALIVE, THE FDA

REMAINS A THREAT.

>> Alphonse: WELL, WHAT ARE WE

GONNA DO WITH ALL THIS LEFTOVER

CABEZA?