Original subtitles

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> WE ARE GATHERED HERE AT

JASON MRAZ MEMORIAL PARK AND

CHILL ZONE TO DEDICATE OUR NEW

GREEN BUS, WHICH RUNS FULLY ON

BODY SWEAT HARVESTED FROM OUR

CITY'S MANY TURKISH BATHS.

A MEMBER OF NTSF:SD:SUV WILL BE

ON BOARD TO ENSURE PASSENGER

SAFETY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Trent: I HATE PUBLIC

TRANSPORTATION.

>> FIRST TIME IN SAN DIEGO?

>> Trent: NO.

I'M SAN DIEGO BORN AND BRED.

I KNOW SAN DIEGO LIKE

WES ANDERSON KNOWS WHIMSY.

>> YOU MIND IF I SHARPEN MY

BLADES HERE?

>> IT'S FINE.

JUST DON'T DISTURB ANY OF MY

IMPORTANT BUSINESS DOCUMENTS.

>> EXCUSE ME.

IS THERE ANY ROOM FOR A

PHYSICALLY IMPOSING STREET

TOUGH?

>> CERTAINLY NOT NEXT TO ME.

I DOUBT IF YOU SECRETLY HAVE A

NOBLE HEART.

>> I AM A WOMAN.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> Trent: DEPLOY WORDS INTO MY

EAR NOW.

>> TRENT HAUSER.

ENJOYING THE BUS RIDE?

IT'LL BE YOUR LAST.

>> Trent: THANK GOD.

I HATE THE BUS.

>> NO, I MEAN IT'S BECAUSE

YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE.

POP QUIZ, HOT SHOT -- THERE'S A

BOMB ON THE BUS THAT DETONATES

IF THE BUS GOES FASTER THAN ZERO

MILES PER HOUR, AND IF ANYONE

TRIES TO GET OFF THE BUS, THEY

DIE.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

>> Trent: NOT REALLY A POP QUIZ.

MORE OF A QUESTION.

>> NO. IT'S A POP QUIZ.

YOU HAVE TO THINK FAST.

>> Trent: NO, A POP QUIZ IS 5 OR

10 QUESTIONS.

>> A QUIZ CAN CONSIST OF ONE

QUESTION!

>> Trent: A QUESTION IS A

QUESTION.

THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

WELL, WHATEVER.

ZERO MILES AN HOUR -- SO I HAVE

TO PREVENT THIS BUS FROM MOVING.

>> YOU ALSO HAVE TO GET ME

$10 MILLION IN UNMARKED BILLS,

AND DON'T TRY ANYTHING FUNNY.

I'M WATCHING YOU, AND THE HICK

NEXT TO YOU, AND THE GUY NEXT TO

HIM, AND EVERYBODY ON THAT BUS.

>> Trent: LISTEN UP, YOU

TERRORIST SCUMBAG.

YOU WANT TO THREATEN ME ON A

BUS?

WELL, I'M GONNA BUS THIS BUS

RIGHT THROUGH YOU.

>> DIEGO!

>> * OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

* OH-OH-OH, OH-OH-OH

>> DIEGO!

>> ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY.

TIME TO GET ROLLING.

>> Trent: STOP!

DON'T MOVE THIS BUS!

IT'LL KILL US ALL.

>> WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?

>> Trent: EVERYONE, I NEED YOU

TO REMAIN CALM.

THERE'S A BOMB ON THIS BUS, AND

IT'S SET TO DETONATE IF WE GO

OVER ZERO MILES AN HOUR.

IF YOU ATTEMPT TO LEAVE THIS

BUS, YOU'LL BE KILLED.

>> SO, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO

DO?

>> Trent: DO NOTHING.

>> DO NOTHING?

THIS WHOLE COUNTRY IS IN THE

WATER CLOSET BECAUSE WE KEEP ON

DOING NOTHING.

I'M GONNA GET OFF THIS BUS AND

DO SOMETHING.

>> Trent: SIR, PLEASE DO NOT GET

OFF THIS BUS!

>> YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF,

SONNY.

>> Trent: LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA

NEED A TRANSFER...TO HELL.

>> THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR MY

STRESS-BASED HEART CONDITION.

JERRY, MOVE THE BUS OR YOU WON'T

BE MOVING ANY BUSES.

>> I DON'T FOLLOW YOU.

>> BECAUSE YOU'LL BE FIRED.

>> OH. YOU COULD'VE JUST SAID

THAT.

>> Trent: STOP!

OR IT'LL KILL US ALL!

>> BUT THE BOSS SAID THAT WE --

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> JERRY? DID YOU JUST GET SHOT?

>> Trent: LISTEN UP, DEPUTY.

>> WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

>> Trent: I'M NTSF:SD:SUV.

>> WELL, I'M DOT:SD:MTA:

MOTHERF'ING B-U-S!

>> Trent: WELL, I GUESS WE'RE

GONNA HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH

EACH OTHER THEN.

>> IN THAT CASE -- DO YOU NEED

ANYTHING, LIKE A CUP OF COFFEE

OR SOMETHING?

>> Trent: OH, NO, NO. I'M FINE.

THANK YOU.

>> ARE YOU SURE?

>> Trent: YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO

BATHROOM ON THE BUS, SO...

>> Piper: DAMN IT, TRENT!

BUS TRANSIT IS FOR POOR PEOPLE,

NOT FOR NTSF:SD:SUV AGENTS.

[ RINGING ]

>> Alphonse: PIPER.

>> Piper: ALPHONSE, GET TO THE

JASON MRAZ MEMORIAL PARK AND

CHILL ZONE.

>> Alphonse: WE'RE NOT GOING TO

BRUNCH NOW?

>> Piper: NO. BRUNCH CAN WAIT.

>> Alphonse: BRUN--

>> Trent: I KNOW YOU'RE SCARED.

YOU SHOULD BE.

ALL WE NEED TO DO IS STAY STILL,

WHICH WILL BE EASY.

BECAUSE THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO

DEVICE ON THIS EARTH THAT IS

CAPABLE OF MOVING A SAN DIEGO

BUS.

>> TOW TRUCK!

>> TIME TO GET MY TOW ON.

>> Trent: NO.

STREET CLEANING DAY.

>> WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

>> Trent: NTSF:SD:SUV!

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

HOLD IT!

DAMN IT! DIDN'T WORK.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> Trent: THINK, HAUSER. THINK!

[ GUNSHOT ]

>> Alphonse: YOU CAN PICK UP

YOUR LIFE AT THE IMPOUND LOT.

BUT MAKE SURE YOU BRING CASH

'CAUSE THEY DON'T TAKE CREDIT.

THEY ONLY TAKE CASH -- LIFE

CASH, AT THE IMPOUND LOT, SO...

>> Trent: NO.

HE JUST WRECKED IT.

[ CELLPHONE RINGS, BEEPS ]

>> Sam: THIS BETTER BE

IMPORTANT, ALPHONSE.

I'M HEADED TO A GIG FOR

FRESH GENERATION, MY

INSPIRATIONAL HIP-HOP GROUP.

>> Alphonse: WE GOT A BOMB UNDER

A BUS, AND IF IT GOES OVER ZERO

MILES PER HOUR, IT'LL EXPLODE.

>> Sam: ALL RIGHT.

WHERE ARE YOU?

>> Alphonse: JASON MRAZ MEMORIAL

PARK AND CHILL ZONE.

>> Sam: LOOKS LIKE THOSE AT-RISK

KIDS WILL HAVE TO LEARN HOW RAP

MUSIC CAN SOLVE THEIR PROBLEMS

ANOTHER DAY.

LET'S ROCK AND ROLL.

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

AH, CRAP.

A LITTLE BIT OF TRAFFIC.

I'LL MAKE UP SOME TIME HERE

AFTER THIS -- NO BIGGIE.

>> Piper: ACCORDING TO SATELLITE

DATA, THE SIGNAL FROM THE BUS

BOMB ORIGINATED HERE, WHICH

MEANS OUR MAN MUST BE IN THERE.

>> WELL, IF WE'RE DEALING WITH A

MAD BOMBER, IT'LL CERTAINLY BE

BOOBY-TRAPPED.

WE'LL HAVE TO BE CAREFUL BECAUSE

LITERALLY ANYTHING COULD BE A

TRIGGER.

SPEAKING OF ANYTHING, LOOK AT

THIS ODDLY OUT-OF-PLACE STUFFED

ANIMAL.

>> Piper: KEVIN! NO!

WAIT. HIS NAME WASN'T KEVIN.

NATE?

I AM THE WORST.

WHAT WAS IT?

>> MY BABY CARRIAGE!

>> Alphonse: OH, GOD.

A RUNAWAY BABY CARRIAGE!

>> IT'S GONNA RUN INTO THE BUS

AND THERE'S LITERALLY NOTHING WE

CAN DO!

>> Alphonse: ALL WE CAN DO IS

PRAY THAT THAT THING IS FULL OF

CANS AND NOT A BABY.

>> WHAT?

WHY WOULD THERE BE A BABY

CARRIAGE FULL OF CANS?

>> Alphonse: I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IT'S A HOMELESS DUDE WHO'S

COLLECTING CANS WITH A BABY

CARRIAGE.

>> MISS IT!

>> Alphonse: LEFT, BABY!

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?

>> Alphonse: S-STUPID BABY!

THANK GOD. IT WAS JUST CANS!

[ BABY CRYING ]

OH, WAIT.

NO. AND A BABY.

>> Sam: STILL IN TRAFFIC, HUH?

[ HORN HONKING ]

I'LL JUST GET A LITTLE CAR WASH.

MAYBE BY THE TIME I GET BACK

IT'LL ALL BE DONE.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I GOT TO GET TO THE BATHROOM

HERE SOON.

IT'S REALLY ON IT'S WAY OUT.

[ FARTS ]

UGH.

>> Piper: ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, PIPER.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

JUST MAKE A DECISION AND CUT A

WIRE.

DON'T PULL ANY OF YOUR PIPER

STUFF WHERE YOU CAN'T DECIDE.

RED WIRE OR GREEN WIRE, ITALIAN

FOOD OR CHINESE FOOD?

NOBODY LOVES THAT.

WAIT, WHAT'S THIS?

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S AN INSIDE JOB.

I GOT TO CALL TRENT.

WHAT?

WHO ARE YOU?

[ BUNNY SQUEAKS ]

AND WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

[ SQUEAKS ]

OH, BOY.

[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]

>> Sam: HELLO?

>> Alphonse: SAM!

WHERE ARE YOU?

>> Sam: I'M HERE.

I'M AT NTSF HEADQUARTERS.

RIGHT OUTSIDE.

>> Alphonse: GREAT.

EXCEPT FOR YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE

AT THE JASON MRAZ MEMORIAL PARK

AND CHILL ZONE!

>> Sam: DAMN!

ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE THERE IN A

SECOND.

>> Piper: HOW'S IT LOOKING,

ALPHONSE?

>> Alphonse: WOW!

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

>> Piper: GOT BLOWN UP.

>> Alphonse: LOOK, EVERYBODY'S

STILL TRAPPED ON THAT BUS.

TRENT'S GONNA HAVE TO PULL A

RABBIT OUT OF HIS HAT.

>> Piper: NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

TRENT HATES HATS.

>> Alphonse: DAMN.

>> Trent: ALPHONSE, IF I CAN

FIND A VIDEO OF PEOPLE ON A BUS,

MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, I CAN USE IT

TO INTERCEPT THE TERRORIST'S

CAMERA FEED, TRICK HIM INTO

BELIEVING THAT WE'RE ON THE BUS,

AND USE IT TO EVACUATE.

>> Alphonse: TRENT, REMEMBER

THAT VIDEO THAT I MADE IN HIGH

SCHOOL THAT I SHOWED YOU IN

COMPLETE CONFIDENCE?

>> Trent: RIGHT!

LISTEN UP!

WHEN I PRESS PLAY ON THIS

COMPUTER, WE HAVE 90 SECONDS TO

GET OFF THIS BUS.

LET'S DO THIS.

>> Alphonse: YO!

WHAT'S UP, KIDS?

I'M HERE TO RAP TO YOU ABOUT BUS

SAFETY!

* BUS SAFETY IS WHAT'S IN TOWN

* BUS SAFETY IS HOW WE'RE

GETTING DOWN *

* BUS SAFETY

>> Piper: LET'S GO.

WATCH YOUR STEP.

>> I-I CAN'T -- I CAN'T DO IT.

I'M TOO --

>> Piper: YES...YOU...CAN.

>> NO, I-I'M TOO AFRAID.

>> Piper: ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS YOU CANT HELP SOMEBODY

IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE HELPED.

>> Alphonse: * HIPPITY HIP AND A

HOPPITY HOP *

* BUS SAFETY, IT JUST DON'T

STOP *

>> WHAT THE...

>> Trent: YOU CAN DO IT.

WE'LL DO IT TOGETHER.

JUST ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE

OTHER.

WE MADE IT.

>> UGH! NTSF:SD:SUV.

>> Piper: NOW IT'S TIME TO FIND

THE REAL TERRORIST --

HOWARD BARTKOWIAK.

>> Alphonse: BARTKOWIAK?

>> Piper: CHIEF OFFICER OF THE

MTA.

>> Trent: OH. INTERESTING TWIST.

>> Piper: FREEZE, BARTKOWIAK!

>> NTSF:SD:SUV.

HOW'D YOU FIND ME?

>> Piper: YOU TWEETED A PHOTO OF

YOURSELF IN HERE LIKE 20 MINUTES

AGO.

>> Alphonse: WHY'D YOU DO IT,

CHIEF.

>> SAN DIEGO CITY COUNCIL VOTED

TO FORCE DOT:SD:MTA:BUS TO USE

GREEN BUSES.

GREEN!

I HAD TO SHOW THE CITY THAT

MOVING AWAY FROM OIL WAS DEADLY

DANGEROUS.

>> Piper: I MEAN, I GET IT, BUT

I DON'T REALLY GET IT, YOU KNOW?

>> SOCIETY WITHOUT OIL IS

LIKE -- I-IS LIKE A GUN WITHOUT

BULLETS.

YOU SEE?

THIS GUN HAS NO BULLETS IN IT

NOW.

NONE. I AM INEFFECTUAL.

JUST LIKE --

>> Trent: YOU KNOW, IF ANYTHING

POSITIVE CAME OUT OF THIS

DEBACLE IS THAT SAN DIEGANS NOW

KNOW FIRSTHAND THE DANGERS OF

PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.

>> Piper: STILL JUST SUCH A

SHAME THAT SO MANY NAIVE PEOPLE

STILL THINK THAT RIDING ON A BUS

IS SAFE.

>> Trent: IF EVEN ONE PERSON

DOESN'T RIDE A BUS BECAUSE OF

THIS DEMENTED MTA CHIEF'S PLAN.

THEN THIS MAN'S A HERO, NOT A

TERRORIST.

>> Alphonse: LET'S GO GET SOME

FAJITAS.

NOW, WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP BLOWING

UP?

>> Piper: IT IS THE SIMPLEST

EXPLANATION.