Original subtitles

>> [ SPEAKING JAPANESE ]

[ GONG SOUNDS ]

>> OKAY, FOLKS, THANKS FOR

STAYING UP LATE WITH US.

YOU ALL KNOW ME --

DRAGON SHUMWAY.

THAT WAS MY WIFE, SHOSHI, WITH

HER BEAUTY PRODUCT FOR LADIES,

DRAGON CREAM.

FOLKS, TONIGHT, ON THIS SHOW,

WE GOT SWORDS, KNIVES, BLADES,

AND A MYRIAD OF OTHER SHARP

OBJECTS HERE AND HERE ONLY.

I MEAN, FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS

REMARKABLE DISPLAY OF WEAPONRY!

LOOK AT IT ALL AND TREMBLE WITH

FEAR.

ANYONE CAN OWN THIS ARRAY OF

WEAPONS.

BUT PUT THEM ON YOUR SHELF AT

HOME.

OKAY, NOW, FOLKS, BEFORE WE GO

ANY FURTHER, I WANT TO CLEAR

SOMETHING UP, 'CAUSE A LOT OF

PEOPLE CALL UP AND THEY SAY,

"SHUMWAY, HOW DO I KNOW THESE

BLADES ARE SHARP?"

AND I'M GONNA ANSWER THAT

QUESTION RIGHT NOW.

KENNY, MY PRODUCER --

KENNY, COME IN HERE.

>> OH, GEEZ.

>> HOW DO WE KNOW THESE BLADES

ARE SHARP, KENNY?

>> UH, WELL, LET ME BE THE FIRST

TO TELL YOU, UH, THEY'RE SHARP.

YEAH, I, UH -- I WAS LOADING

THESE PUPPIES IN THIS MORNING,

AND, WELL, YOU DO THE MATH.

>> KENNY, YOU ARE SO CLUMSY.

>> THAT I AM, SHUMWAY.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> I LOVE IT.

YOU GOT TO BE CAREFUL AROUND

THESE WEAPONS, OR THEY'LL GET

YA!

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TAKE SOME

CALLS.

KENNY, LINE ONE.

>> YOU GOT IT. UH...

>> HOW DO WE DO IT?

GET ON IN HERE AND SHOW ME.

>> JUST, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS

HIT THE BUTTON, REMEMBER?

WE WENT OVER THAT.

>> YOU JUST HIT THAT BUTTON.

>> Hello?

>> YEAH, YOU WANTED ME TO...

>> Hello? Hello?

>> YEAH, I ASKED YOU TO AND

YOU -- OKAY.

>> Am I on the air?

>> ALL RIGHT, FIRST CALLER, YOU

ARE LIVE ON THE AIR!

>> Hey, Shumway.

Brad in Orlando.

Love the show, man.

Love the swords.

>> ALL RIGHT, BRAD, LET ME ASK

YOU THIS, BUDDY.

YOU OWN ANY OF THESE WEAPONS

FROM THE DOUBLE DRAGON

COLLECTION?

>> Well, my favorite's that

Scorpion Scimitar.

>> Brad, are you down in the

basement?

>> Damn it, Connie!

I'm on the phone!

What did I say when I'm on the

phone?!

Now you get over here!

>> WHOA! [ LAUGHS ]

[ Dial tone ]

WE LOST BRAD THERE AT THE END.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

BRAD IS A GREAT GUY.

CALLS THE SHOW ALL THE TIME.

BRAD LOVES THE

SCORPION SCIMITAR.

CHECK IT OUT, FOLKS.

SEE THE GRIP RIGHT HERE?

COMES IN EITHER REAL ELEPHANT

TUSK OR REAL TIGER CLAW,

SPRAY-PAINTED GOLD JUST LIKE

THIS.

IT'S AN OUTSTANDING WEAPON.

I TELL YOU WHAT, FOLKS, THE NEXT

100 PEOPLE THAT CALL THE SHOW

AND PLACE AN ORDER FOR ANY

FANTASY SWORD, I'M GONNA THROW

IN THE PENETRATOR, OKAY?

THIS IS ANOTHER OF MY FAVORITE

IN THE DOUBLE DRAGON COLLECTION.

THE WEAPON IS PERFECT FOR

STABBING.

THAT'S STEP ONE.

STEP TWO...

YOU SPREAD THEIR GUTS WITH THE

TRIPLE-ACTION GUT SPREADER!

KENNY, DO YOU HAVE ANY

EXPERIENCE WITH A BLADE LIKE

THIS?

>> UH, WELL, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,

MY -- MY STEPDAD AND I USED TO

WRESTLE A LOT JUST BETWEEN GUYS,

JUST FUN.

AND ONE DAY HE WAS GOING A

LITTLE TOO HARD, AND I USED A

SCISSORS TO THREATEN HIM, BUT I

WISH I HAD ONE OF THEM...

>> SURE, YOU DO.

>> ...'CAUSE IT WOULD HAVE -- IT

WOULD HAVE SCARED THE -- THE --

THE -- IT WOULD'VE -- OOH.

>> IT WOULD HAVE SCARED HIM.

YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

KENNY BRINGS UP A GREAT POINT,

AND THAT'S FEAR.

THE GREATEST ASSET THIS COUNTRY

HAS AT ITS DISPOSAL...

IS FEAR, OKAY?

AND YOU'RE GONNA SPREAD A HELL

OF A LOT OF FEAR WITH A WEAPON

LIKE THE PENETRATOR.

RIGHT, KENNY?

>> IT'S A FANCY MASCULINE

WEAPON.

>> OH, BOY. COME OVER HERE.

I WANT TO SHOW -- I WANT TO SHOW

YOU THIS WEAPON, OKAY?

NOW, THIS BLADE HERE IS CALLED

AN ASSASSIN'S BLADE, OKAY?

AND LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT THIS

BLADE IS USED FOR.

I'M GONNA DEMONSTRATE ON KENNY.

WHAT YOU COULD DO --

POTENTIALLY -- SNEAK UP BEHIND

THEM, PULL OUT THE ASSASSIN'S

BLADE, JUST LIKE THIS.

RIGHT, KENNY?

SO EASY.

I'LL CUT YOUR [BLEEP] THROAT.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> I'LL CUT IT.

WATCH ALL THAT BLOOD DRAIN OUT.

>> DON'T DO THIS.

>> KENNY'S A GOOD MAN 'CAUSE HE

TRUSTS ME.

TRUST ME, KENNY.

KENNY'S A GOOD SPORT -- HELL OF

A PRODUCER.

NOW, FOLKS, LET'S TAKE SOME MORE

CALLS.

HOW DO WE DO IT?

>> JUST HIT THE BUTTON.

>> I'M ASKING YOU TO DO IT.

>> Is this Martin Shumwald,

U.S. Special Forces?

This is General Drake.

>> UH, KENNY, WE GOT ANOTHER

PRANK CALLER HERE.

DAMN IT. DISCONNECT PLEASE.

>> Shumwald, are you there?

>> PLEASE DISCONNECT THE PHONE.

FOLKS, THIS IS THE THING I'M

TALKING ABOUT HERE.

LATE AT NIGHT, YOU GET DRUNK,

YOU STAY AWAY FROM YOUR PHONE

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW PEOPLE GET

HURT, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT.

FOLKS, WE'RE AT THE POINT OF THE

SHOW THAT I LIKE TO CALL

"CELEBRITY CORNER."

OKAY, I WANT TO BRING OUT A VERY

DEAR FRIEND OF MINE WHO YOU ALL

KNOW FROM HIS ACTION FILMS SUCH

AS "TOMAHAWK GUY,"

"A TALE OF TWO TOMAHAWKS," AND

"A TOMAHAWK TO THE CHEST."

PLEASE WELCOME

MR. INDO YAMMAMOTO!

INDO YAMMAMOTO!

WHAT A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU, SIR.

WHAT AN HONOR.

WHAT AN HONOR AND A PLEASURE TO

SEE YOU, SIR, ON THIS SHOW.

>> [ SPEAKING JAPANESE ]

>> AH, YES, INDO.

WELL SAID.

INDEED, WE ARE OLD FRIENDS.

NOW, FOLKS, INDO IS HERE TO

INTRODUCE A BRAND-NEW FANTASY

WEAPON.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE ADVANCED

COMBAT TACTICAL TOMAHAWK!

INDO, MY FRIEND, SHOW THEM HOW

IT WORKS.

[ ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> [ GRUNTING ]

[ GRUNTS ]

>> [ GIGGLES ]

>> MM.

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, INDO.

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, OLD FRIEND.

WHAT A LOVELY MARTIAL ARTS

DISPLAY FROM THE TOMAHAWK

MASTER, MR. INDO YAMMAMOTO!

NOW, FOLKS, IF YOU CALL US RIGHT

NOW, WE'RE GONNA GIVE YOU, AS A

FREE GIFT, THE TACTICAL

TOMAHAWK.

[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]

UH, KENNY, PLEASE, WE'RE ON LIVE

TELEVISION.

WE GOT PEOPLE CALLING INTO THE

STUDIO RIGHT AND LEFT.

>> THEY -- THEY CORRUPTED OUR

MAINFRAME.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

>> WHAT AM I GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

>> WELL, JUST TAKE THE CALL.

>> ALL RIGHT, GOING TO THE

PHONES.

>> Listen, Shumwald, it's

General Drake.

We were disconnected, so I'm

reconnecting us, you little

piece of --

>> DAMN IT ANYHOW, KENNY!

THE PHONES TONIGHT -- WE

CERTAINLY APOLOGIZE.

LET'S KEEP THE SHOW GOING,

FOLKS.

>> JUST WANT TO SPEAK WITH YOU,

CAPTAIN.

>> YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY, BUDDY.

>> I DON'T THINK SO.

CAPTAIN MARTIN SHUMWALD,

U.S. SPECIAL FORCES.

[ CHUCKLES ]

CAPTURED, DONG VALLEY, 1969.

IMPRISONED, TORTURED, DISAVOWED

BY THE PENTAGON.

ESCAPED VIETNAMESE WORK CAMP IN

1995.

CAPTURED IN PITTSBURGH AT A MALL

BY VIETNAMESE FORCES.

SENT BACK TO VIETNAM.

RE-ESCAPED IN 2005.

RECIPIENT OF THE PENTAGON'S

SINCERE APOLOGY AWARD.

HEARD ENOUGH?

>> HOW'D YOU FIND ME?

>> WE TURNED ON THE TV.

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?

>> WE WANT YOU BACK.

>> YOU LEFT ME FOR DEAD.

>> WE APOLOGIZED.

>> WHAT'S THE MISSION?

>> INFILTRATE YOUR OLD P.O.W.

CAMP -- BRING OUR BOYS HOME.

>> ARE YOU TELLING ME WE STILL

GOT MEN LEFT OVER THERE?!

>> KIND OF.

IT'S VIETNAMESE TROOPS THAT WANT

TO COME HERE -- TO LIVE, BUILD A

BETTER LIFE.

ONLY WE CAN'T LOCATE THE P.O.W.

CAMP.

ONLY YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS.

[ HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING ]

>> GOOD GOD.

YOU BROUGHT CHOPPERS TO MY TV

STUDIO.

YOU SON OF A BITCH.

>> [ GROANS ]

>> [ GROWLS ]

>> [ GROANS ]

>> [ GROANING ]

>> [ GROANS ]

>> [ GRUNTS, LAUGHS ]

[ GUN COCKS ]

COME ON.

[ GRUNTS ]

COME ON!

>> OW! MY NUTS!

>> SHUMWALD!

>> GENERAL! NOT LIKE THIS!

YOU LET HER GO!

>> ONLY IF YOU DO THE MISSION!

>> AFTER ALL OF THIS BLOODSHED!

I KILLED ALL OF YOUR MEN!

>> I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY.

>> I DIDN'T!

>> WELL, IT SEEMED LIKE IT.

>> GENERAL, STOP THIS MADNESS!

SHOSHI, TALK TO ME, GIRL.

HOW ARE YOU?

AND I LOVE YOU, TOO, SWEET PEA.

BUT I WILL NOT GO BACK TO

VIETNAM.

SO...

I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE.

I'M GOING TO KILL HIM, BUT NOT

BEFORE HE KILLS YOU.

I CAN'T GET THERE IN TIME.

BUT KNOW THIS --

AS YOUR BODY HITS THE FLOOR WITH

NO MORE LIFE, HIS BODY WILL

FOLLOW RIGHT BEHIND YOUR DEAD

BODY.

AND YOUR BLOOD WILL COMMINGLE.

SO, I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE,

MY FLOWER.

GOODBYE, MY LOVER.

GOODBYE, MY BOOKKEEPER AND

PERSONAL ASSISTANT.

>> [ GROANS ]

AAAAH! MY EYE!

>> SHOSHI! YOU DID IT, GIRL!

YOU SAVED YOURSELF!

AND NOW THIS IS A LITTLE BIT

AWKWARD, SURE.

BUT LET'S DISCUSS IT WHEN WE GET

HOME.

FOLKS, YOU SAW IT HERE TONIGHT.

[ TELEPHONES RINGING ]

THE ENTIRE "FANTASY" SWORD

COLLECTION PUT TO THE TEST

AGAINST REAL FLESH AND BONE.

LET'S TAKE SOME CALLS.

[ BEEP ]

>> Oh, man!

That was the most amazing thing

I've ever seen on television.

Let me give you my credit card

number, man.

I got to get me some of those

swords.

>> YOU GOT IT, MY MAN.

NEXT CALLER.

YEAH, YOU GOT SHUMWAY.

HOLD ON FOR JUST A SECOND.

I'M GETTING A LOT OF CALLS HERE.

HELLO?

CAN YOU HOLD ON JUST SECOND?

I'M GONNA GET -- I'M GONNA COME

RIGHT BACK TO YOU.

MAN, THESE PHONES ARE RINGING

OFF THE HOOK.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, HOLD ON.

OKAY, DON'T EVERYBODY CALL AT

ONCE!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU, DARLING.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SPEAK UP.

I'M NOT GONNA HANG UP ON YOU.

I'M JUST GONNA PUT YOU ON HOLD.