Original subtitles

[ HORNS BLARING ]

>> Hyralius: [ Asian accent ]

OH, NO!

ROOK OUT BEROW!

I CLUSH YOU RONG TIME!

[ LAUGHS ]

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]

OH! SO SOLLY!

ME SO HORNY!

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY!

NICE SHOOTING, TOJO!

MAYBE YOU TRY NOT SQUINTING BOTH

EYES WHEN YOU AIM.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, BOY!

I AM HYRALIUS!

[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ GONG! ]

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]

OOH! WHOO-HOO!

SZECHUAN-STYLE!

SPICY-HOT!

>> THIS IS MOST TERRIBLE.

THIS MONSTER IS WORSE THAN

GODZILLA, MOTHRA, AND RODAN

COMBINED.

>> YES.

HYRALIUS THREATENS TO DESTROY

NOT ONLY OUR CITIES, BUT OUR

ENTIRE CULTURE.

>> Hyralius: [ LAUGHS ]

TSK TSK TSK!

TYPICAL ASIAN DRIVER!

HEY!

MAYBE YOU BETTER STICK TO THE

LICKSHAW!

[ METAL CLANGING ]

OH!

SOLLY ABOUT ALL THAT CLANGING.

I'M JUST NAMING YOUR CHILDREN.

THERE'S, UH, CLING CLANG,

CLONG GONG, BING BOOM.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> OH! MONSTER!

MOST RACIST MONSTER!

>> GENERAL, AS DEVASTATING AS IT

IS, YOUR MEN TO NEED TO CEASE

FIRE.

HYRALIUS MUST NOT BE KILLED

BEFORE WE CAN STUDY HIM.

SOMEHOW, WE OURSELVES HAVE MADE

THIS MONSTER, NOT THE WESTERN

WORLD.

WE MUST LEARN WHY HE HAS RAISED

HIS UGLY HEAD IN THE FIRST

PLACE.

>> BUT YOU'VE ALREADY TRIED

EVERY KNOWN SCIENTIFIC METHOD --

BOOING, SHAMING,

RACIAL-SENSITIVITY WORKSHOPS.

NOTHING HAS WORKED!

>> YOU MUST GIVE ME TIME!

>> DOCTOR, HUMILIATION IS THE

GREATEST FEAR OF EVERY ASIAN.

WELL, NOT EVERY ASIAN.

I DON'T MEAN TO STEREOTYPE.

I mean, it's mostly the Koreans,

really.

ANYWAY, WE'RE RIDDING OUR LAND

OF THIS ABOMINATION ONCE AND FOR

ALL.

WE ARE SENDING HIM TO A PLACE

WHERE HE'LL NEVER COME BACK --

WHERE HE BELONGS.

>> HE BELONGS HERE!

HE IS OUR PROBLEM!

>> ENOUGH!

WE WILL LURE HYRALIUS INTO THE

FRANKENHOLE BY MAKING A HOLOGRAM

OF A GIANT CAMERA.

HE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO RESIST

SUCH A PERFECT COMEDIC PROP.

>> YOU'LL JUST MAKE HIM STRONGER

WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT!

>> AIM THE HOLO-GUN 30 DEGREES

LATITUDE, 20 LONGITUDE!

[ CAR HORNS BLARING ]

[ HOLO-GUN CREAKING ]

FIRE!

>> GOD HELP US.

[ HOLOGRAM HUMMING ]

>> Hyralius: OOH!

CRICKY CRICKY CRICKY!

SAY "TAIWANESE"!

BIRD'S EYE!

I MEAN, BANZAI!

[ ENGINE SPUTTERING ]

>> HURRY! WE'RE LATE!

>> Frankenstein: HEY!

I DON'T SEE HOW I'M IN CHARGE OF

THE REFRESHMENTS WHEN YOU'RE THE

ONE THAT HAS THE HOUSEWORK

CHROMOSOME!

>> BECAUSE EVERYBODY LOVES YOUR

COOKIES!

>> Frankenstein: GAH!

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE GOOD AT

EVERYTHING?!

>> Hyralius: OH, NO!

WHERE AM I?

TOTO-SAN, ME NOT IN KANSASHIMA

ANYMORE!

>> WE MONSTERS NEED TO COME

TOGETHER.

>> YOU CHANGED BACK AGAIN!

>> DAMN IT!

HOLD ON.

[ TWINKLE! ]

>> [ As Mr. Hyde ] HOW'S THAT?

>> Monsters: BETTER!

>> COOL!

WE NEED TO COME TOGETHER AS

MONSTERS, FOR, YOU SEE, THERE'S

A NEW CREATURE OUT THERE -- A

VICIOUS, HORRIBLE CREATURE

CALLED APATHY.

>> THAT'S TOO SIMPLISTIC.

THE NEW MONSTER IS MAN'S

INHUMANITY TO MAN.

>> HUMANS ARE THE REAL MONSTERS!

WE'RE JUST COMING OFF AS SILLY

TO EVERYONE.

>> [ MUNCHING ]

>> Frankenstein: NO MORE!

YOU'VE ALREADY HAD THREE!

>> I CAN'T HELP IT.

I'M REALLY WRAPPED UP IN YOUR

COOKIES.

>> Frankenstein: SNORE!

>> THE REAL QUESTION IS, HOW ARE

WE GOING TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY

AGAIN?

>> Frankenstein: HOW?!

YOU GLORIOUS NINCOMPOOPS!

HOW ABOUT BY NOT HOLDING THESE

INANE TOWN HALL MEETINGS?

[ Mockingly ] OH!

ORGANIZED GATHERINGS ARE REALLY

SCARY!

[ Normal voice ] THIS REGION HAS

BECOME FAR TOO DOMESTICATED.

WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO SHAKE

THINGS UP!

[ RUMBLING ]

[ GLASS SHATTERING ]

>> WHOA, MAN!

DID THE GOLDARN PLACE JUST

SHAKE?

>> YEAH, BRAH.

>> LOOK! OUT THERE!

A GIANT, GOOFY CREATURE!

>> Hyralius: AW!

BLOO-HOO!

MY OWN PEOPLE SCORN ME!

ME NO LIKED ANYMO--

I MEAN, RIKED ANYMORE!

ME NO RIKED!

BLOO-HOO!

>> LOOK AT THAT THING!

SO FAKE-LOOKING, EVEN!

>> YOU CAN PRACTICALLY SEE THE

ZIPPER!

>> THOSE TEETH ARE PRETTY SCARY,

THOUGH.

>> All: YEAH, SCARY TEETH.

>> NO!

THOSE TEETH ARE NOT ENOUGH!

THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF

THING THAT WILL LAUGH US RIGHT

OUT OF THE SPOOKY WORLD!

>> LET'S KI-I-ILL IT!

>> Monsters: YEAH! KILL IT!

>> NO!

HYRALIUS MUST BE TAKEN ALIVE!

>> WHO ARE YOU?!

>> I AM DR. YAKIMA ORIGAMI.

[ GONG! ]

I HAVE COME FROM MY HOME IN

JAPAN IN SEARCH OF THIS MONSTER.

>> UM, I WOULDN'T NECESSARILY

CALL THAT THING A MONSTER.

>> HE IS A MONSTER TO EVERY

ASIAN.

HE STRIKES FEAR AND HORROR

WHEREVER HE GOES.

>> Monsters: REALLY?

DO TELL, DO TELL.

>> SUFFICE IT TO SAY, HE HAS

TERRORIZED ALL OF ASIA FOR

YEARS.

THERE WILL BE NO REST UNTIL WE

STUDY HIM AS ONE STUDIES A VIRUS

OR A PART IN A SCHOOL PLAY.

>> AND WE SHOULD STUDY HIM, TOO,

SO WE CAN LEARN HOW TO AT LEAST

SCARE ASIAN PEOPLE.

>> WELL, THEN, LET'S JUST CATCH

THE SUCKER.

>> YEAH, BRAHS.

LET'S MAKE A REALLY BIG FORTUNE

COOKIE AND LURE THAT BADASS INTO

A REALLY BIG CAGE.

>> IT'S NOT SO EASY.

WE'VE ALREADY FOOLED HIM WITH

DECOYS.

HE'LL NOT SO EASILY BE TRICKED

AGAIN.

>> Frankenstein: STAND ASIDE,

ORIGAMI.

WHAT YOU NEED HERE IS A MAD

SCIENTIST!

IT WILL BE THE MOST DELICIOUS

FORTUNE COOKIE I HAVE EVER

BAKED!

>> THE BEST!

ARIGATO, HAI!

ARIGATO, ARIGATO, ARIGATO, HAI!

ARIGATO, ARIGATO, ARIGATO, HAI!

ARIGATO, ARIGATO, ARIGATO, HAI!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

ARIGATO, ARIGATO, ARIGATO, HAI!

HAI!

ARIGATO, ARIGATO, ARIGATO, HAI!

HAI!

ARIGATO, ARIGATO, ARIGATO-O-O-O!

>> Frankenstein: THERE!

THIS WILL WORK PERFECTLY.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> Frankenstein: BECAUSE YOU'RE

DUMB.

THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T KNOW.

>> WELL...

>> Frankenstein: NO! ADMIT IT!

YOU'RE DUMB.

>> LET'S JUST SAY I HOPE IT

WORKS -- FOR BOTH OUR CULTURES.

>> Frankenstein: YGOR!

TURN ON THE FANS!

>> Ygor: [ Laughing ] YOU GOT

IT!

[ METAL CLANKS, ENGINE WHIRS ]

>> Hyralius: OH, ME SO RONELY.

NOBODY ALOUND TO JOKE TO.

[ SNIFFS ]

MMM! WHAT'S THAT I SMERR?

FORTUNE CLOOKIE!

FORTUNE CLOOKIE! YAY! YAY!

FORTUNE CLOOKIE!

FORTUNE CLOOKIE! YAY! YAY!

[ Singsong voice ] OH, RITTLE

FORTUNE CLOOKIE!

HERE I CO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-ME!

>> Frankenstein: [ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S WORKING! YEAH!

[ CRUNCH! CRUNCH! ]

>> MMM! NUM, NUM, NUM!

LET'S SEE FORTUNE!

>> Frankenstein: OKAY, HERE'S

THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.

>> Hyralius: WHAT?

NO! THIS CAN'T BE!

I AM BEING HONORED AS BEST ASIAN

MONSTER OF THE YEAR?

>> Frankenstein: THAT'S RIGHT!

HYRALIUS -- MUTANT MONSTER!

YOU ARE THE WINNER OF THE

B.A.M.M.Y. AWARD!

>> Hyralius: WHAT? WHO? ME?

THE B.A.M.M.Y.?

[ APPLAUSE ]

OH!

[ American accent ] WOW.

OH, THIS IS GREAT.

[ CLONG! ]

WHOO!

MAN, THIS IS SUCH AN HONOR.

IT REALLY IS.

>> Frankenstein: IN YOUR FACE!

WE CAPTURED HIM. YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> NO.

WE ARE HIS CAPTIVES --

HIS CAPTIVE AUDIENCE.

JUST OBSERVE.

>> Hyralius: [ SIGHS ]

WELL, FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE TO

THANK THE LETTER "L" AND THE

LETTER "R" FOR SWITCHING PLACES.

NO, WAIT.

I MEAN, THE LETTER "R" AND THE

LETTER "L."

[ LAUGHTER ]

GOSH. NOW I'M REALLY CONFUSED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> THIS GUY'S NOT THAT SCARY,

BUT HE REALLY IS HILARIOUS!

>> YOU HAVE IT BACKWARDS, MY

FRIEND.

HE IS HYRALIUS.

HE IS THE MOST FRIGHTFUL THING

KNOWN TO MANKIND.

BUT HE'S A HACK.

>> Hyralius: OH, LET ME GET THIS

MASK OFF.

>> Frankenstein: OH, HE'S TAKING

OFF HIS MASK!

Shh!

I WANT TO HEAR WHAT HE SAYS

NEXT.

>> Hyralius: BUT SERIOUSLY...

YOU KNOW, I'M NOTHING BUT PROUD

OF MY PEOPLE AND MY CULTURE.

SO IT JUST SEEMS STRANGE THAT

THE SOURCE OF THAT PRIDE WOULD

STAND IN THE WAY OF ME MAKING MY

LIVING.

I MEAN, LOOK -- ALL I REALLY

WANT TO DO IS FEED MY WIFE AND

KIDS, GIVE THEM A GOOD LIFE,

A GOOD, LOVING HOME.

AND IF I CAN DO THAT WITH MY

WACKY SHTICK, I MEAN, WHY NOT?

WHO CARES IF THE WAY I SMASH

SCHOOL BUSES AND GET TANGLED IN

HIGH-VOLTAGE WIRES IS BY

WEARING BUCK TEETH AND A POINTY,

ROUND HAT?

I MEAN, THAT'S HOW I BRING HOME

THE BACON.

LAUGHTER BREEDS LOVE, PEOPLE,

AND THAT'S ALL I WANT.

[ SNIFFLES ]

I'M JUST A HACK WHO WANTS LOVE.

OKAY?

WE LIVE IN A CULTURE OF WARS AND

OF GENOCIDE, AND...

IT'S JUST AN ACCENT, PEOPLE.

GET OVER IT.

JUST GET OVER YOURSELF.

[ SNIFFLES ]

I KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

I'M A DOCTOR.

WELL, RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU

HAVE A TERMINAL DEGREE.

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

[ ALL SNIFFLE ]

>> HE'S RIGHT.

WHO CARES HOW STUPID WE LOOK, AS

LONG AS OUR PEOPLE DON'T COME

OFF AS VIOLENT AND SCARY.

>> AND HE'S SO

RIDICULOUS-LOOKING, WE'LL ONLY

LOOK SCARIER TO EVERYONE ELSE.

HE'S A TRUE MARTYR TO OUR CAUSE.

>> Frankenstein: ATTABOY,

HYRALIUS!

ATTABOY.

>> Hyralius: OKAY, ANYWAY, UH,

THANKS TO MY BODY DOUBLE,

CAM LEEBURG, MY MOM AND MY DAD,

AND, OF COURSE, THIS LITTLE

KNUCKLEHEAD RIGHT HERE.

[ LAUGHS ]

LOVE YOU ALL!

NO TICKY NO RAUNDRY, PEOPLE!

[ GROWLING ]

YEAH!

GONNA TAKE THIS LITTLE BABY

HOME AND SHOW IT A GOOD TIME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ME SO HORNY!

OH, ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME!

THANK YOU, GUYS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU.

WHOO!

YEAH!

WE DID IT!

WHOO! YEAH!

YEAH!

>> HI. KEN HERE.

IT'S A GOOD-A SHOW.

CAN I GO NOW?

>> YEAH, YEAH. YOU'RE DONE.