Original subtitles

[ DIRGE PLAYING ]

[ MAN SOBBING ]

>> Frankenstein: EGADS.

[ Whining ] FUNERALS ARE SO

BORING!

BOO!

>> VICTOR, HOW CAN YOU BE BORED?

IT'S YOUR OWN MOTHER.

>> Frankenstein: "A," BECAUSE.

"B," IT'S.

"C," BORING!

NEED ANY MORE OF YOUR PRECIOUS

REASONS?

>> UGH.

YOU'RE SO SPOILED JUST BECAUSE

YOU CAN BRING ANYTHING BACK TO

LIFE.

>> GOOD JOB, DEATH.

I'M REALLY "WRAPPED UP" IN THIS

WHOLE FUNERAL THING.

NYUK, NYUK, NYUK.

>> JUST DOING MY JOB.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> GREAT JOB, MAN.

REALLY WELL DONE.

>> OH, MAN, THANKS.

IT'S NOTHING.

>> NO, NO, I'M NOT BLOWING

SMOKE.

LIKE, YOU KNOCKED THIS ONE OUT

OF THE PARK.

THIS IS YOU. YOU'RE THE SOURCE.

>> YOU'RE NICE.

>> Frankenstein: EXCUSE ME,

JEKYLL.

DEATH IS RIGHT. IT WAS NOTHING!

MY MOTHER WAS AN OLD LADY.

HE'S DEATH.

WHAT'S THE BIGGIE?

>> [ WHISTLES ] YEESH.

>> MM-HMM. YEAH.

>> ALL RIGHT.

WELL, YEAH, NO, IT'S COOL.

SO, I'M AN IDIOT.

MESSAGE RECEIVED.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I THINK I'M THE IDIOT HERE.

EXCUSE US, DR. HECKLE.

>> OKAY, NO PROBLEM.

UH, IT'S "JEKYLL." UH...

>> HEY, VICTOR, YOU'RE NOT GONNA

STEAL MY LIMELIGHT AND BRING

YOUR MOTHER BACK TO LIFE AGAIN,

ARE YOU?

>> Frankenstein: OF COURSE I AM.

I AM A MAD SCIENTIST.

PLUS, SHE GETS A DEAL BECAUSE I

SLID OUT OF HER BIRTH CANAL.

>> WELL, IT'S JUST THAT IF YOU

KEEP FOILING MY WORK, I'LL BE

OUT OF A JOB.

>> Frankenstein: [ Singsong

voice ] NOT MY PROBLEM.

>> PLEASE, VICTOR.

YOU GOT TO MEET ME HALFWAY.

[ Voice breaking ] I'VE

COMPLETELY LOST ALL CONFIDENCE

IN MYSELF.

[ SOBBING ]

>> Frankenstein: GOD.

>> [ SNIFFLES ]

I'VE JUST REALLY HIT THE SKIDS.

I'VE EVEN STARTED...

DRINKING A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

>> Frankenstein: LOOK, I THINK

YOU'RE FOCUSING ALL THIS

PATHETIC SADNESS ON THE WRONG

GUY HERE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO THE SOURCE

OF THE PROBLEM?

THE ORIGINAL REANIMATOR --

JESUS.

HE WAS BRINGING THINGS BACK TO

LIFE WAY BEFORE ME.

>> [ SNIFFLES ]

YOU KIND OF LIKE ME, DON'T YOU?

>> Frankenstein: OH, PLEASE.

I'M ONLY HELPING YOU BECAUSE MY

PROFESSION IS MAKING LIFE OUT OF

THE DEAD.

I NEED YOU ON TOP OF YOUR GAME.

NOW GO!

>> [ SNIFFLES ] FINE!

>> [ SCREECHES ]

>> [ HOWLS ]

>> * LEAVE ALL HOPE BEHIND

* GIVE UP ALL CONTROL

* TAKE MY HAND

* WE'RE GOING DOWN THE

FRANKENHOLE *

>> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

>> HEY, GUYS, WHERE'S JESUS?

>> [ à la Edward G. Robinson ]

YOU TELL US, SEE?

>> EVER SINCE HE DISCOVERED

THOSE STUPID FRANKENHOLES, HE'S

BEEN IMPOSSIBLE TO PIN DOWN.

>> MOSTLY HANGS OUT WITH FAMOUS

PEOPLE.

THE GUY'S ALWAYS BEEN A REAL

GLORY HOUND.

>> I SEE.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> BORING!

UGH. WHY DID YOU DRAG ME HERE?

>> Shhh!

People are staring.

>> YOU FREE A WHOLE BUNCH OF

NEGROES, BUT YOU ENSLAVE ME IN

THIS HELL.

>> You're embarrassing me.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU MADE ME WEAR

THIS HAT.

>> THE HAT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU.

TRUST ME.

>> I HATE IT.

IT'S NOT THEATER-FRIENDLY.

>> IT LOOKS FANTASTIC!

>> WHY DON'T YOU WEAR IT?

>> FINE! GIVE IT TO ME.

[ Mockingly ] WHOO! LOOK AT ME!

"I'M ABE LINCOLN.

I FREED THE SLAVES."

>> GIVE THAT BACK BEFORE SOMEONE

THINKS THAT THE ANNOYING PERSON

IS ME.

>> WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT

UP?

I'M OUT OF HERE.

[ GUNSHOT ]

[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]

>> HMM.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> JOAN OF ARC, I SENTENCE YOU

TO SIT HERE TIED TO THAT STAKE

ALL NIGHT LONG.

YOU DO NOT HEAR THE VOICE OF

GOD, CHILD.

>> UGH.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT GUY?

SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO

TONIGHT?

>> I THINK I'M KIND OF IN FOR

THE EVENING, MY LORD.

>> I GOT SPARKLERS!

>> OH, PLEASE BE CAREFUL, MY

LORD.

THE BASE OF THIS IS ALL

KINDLING.

IT'S VERY FLAMMABLE.

>> [ Laughing ] KINDLING?

WHY IS THERE KINDLING HERE?

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

HERE -- LET ME LIGHT YOU ONE UP.

>> NO, NO, NO, PLEASE!

>> [ LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY ]

>> PLEASE BE CAREFUL, MY LORD.

I TRUST YOU. I DO TRUST YOU.

[ SCREAMS ]

>> WEE-E-E-E!

THERE YOU GO!

NOW YOU'RE GETTING INTO IT!

>> HUH.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> ELVIS!

COME ON.

OTHER PEOPLE HAVE TO GO TO THE

BATHROOM, YOU KNOW.

COME ON!

>> JESUS, I HAVE 80 BATHROOMS IN

THIS PLACE.

USE ANOTHER ONE.

>> NO! I LIKE THIS ONE!

>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

IT'LL BE A SECOND.

I'M CATCHING A BROWN TRAIN.

>> OH, NO.

DON'T STINK IT UP IN THERE,

ELVIS.

WOULD YOU OPEN A WINDOW, AT

LEAST, PLEASE?

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HOLD ON.

HELL, GOLLY.

[ GRUNTING ]

THE WINDOW'S PAINTED SHUT,

JESUS.

WHO PAINTS THE PART THAT OPENS?

>> NO, IT'S NOT PAINTED SHUT!

COME ON, ELVIS. TRY HARDER.

>> OKAY, HOLD ON.

[ GRUNTING INTENSIFIES ]

>> HARDER!

STRAIN HARDER!

>> OH, JESUS, MY HEART!

>> STRAIN!

STRAIN!

>> [ MOANS ]

OH, GOLLY!

I SEE THE TUPELO SUNSHINE.

[ Weakly ] MY BARE FEET...

I GOT A POLLIWOG IN A BUCKET.

[ GRUNTS ]

[ THUD ]

>> ELVIS?

YOU OPEN THAT WINDOW?

PLEASE SAY YOU DID.

[ TOILET FLUSHES ]

FINALLY!

>> PHEW!

I'D GIVE IT A FEW MINUTES IN

THERE.

>> OHHHHHHHH.

[ TRICKLING ]

SO GOOD.

>> UGH.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> Frankenstein: I SWEAR I

THOUGHT HE BROUGHT THE DEAD BACK

TO LIFE.

>> NO.

TURNS OUT, JESUS IS ALMOST

SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERY

MAJOR DEATH IN HISTORY.

HE'S REALLY AMAZING.

WELL, I'M OFF TO LEARN FROM THE

MASTER.

>> Frankenstein: [ SIGHS ]

I HOPE THAT GETS HIM OFF MY

BACK.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT MUSTACHE

FROM?!

>> NO.

NO!

NOBODY'S LOOKING AT ME!

HELP!

HUH?

>> GREETINGS!

>> EW. WHO ARE YOU?

>> I-I'M DEATH.

>> OHH.

I THOUGHT YOU SMELLED FAMILIAR.

NOW, WHY ARE YOU VISITING ME?

>> UH, WELL, I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING

YOUR CAREER FOR A WHILE NOW.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU DON'T MIND IF I JUST HANG

OUT WITH YOU?

PICK YOUR BRAIN A LITTLE BIT?

>> HANG OUT?

YEAH, SURE.

I LOVE TALKING ABOUT ME.

>> OKAY, FIRST OFF, ABOUT THIS

"RISING FROM THE DEAD" THING...

>> WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, DUMBASS?

I WAS DEAD -- NOW I'M NOT.

OOH! CRAZY!

BIG WHOOP.

>> WELL, THIS IS FASCINATING.

>> I KNOW!

IT WAS FASCINATING, RIGHT?

I LOVE IT!

THANKS FOR REMINDING ME HOW

FASCINATING I AM.

[ Voice breaking ] YOU KNOW,

SOMETIMES, I DON'T EVEN GET HOW

GREAT I AM.

YOU'RE FUN! I LIKE YOU!

YOU KNOW WHAT -- WE GOTTA HANG

OUT LIKE THIS WITH ME ALL THE

TIME.

>> LET'S GO TO DINNER.

I KNOW A GREAT PLACE IN

SOMEWHERE IN EASTERN EUROPE.

>> YAY!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> SO, TELL ME, WHAT'S YOUR

SECRET?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS I BEFRIEND PEOPLE AND

THEY TAKE ME OUT TO EAT.

IT'S EASY.

>> YEAH, BUT THE WAY PEOPLE JUST

DIE AROUND YOU...

YOU'RE A NATURAL. [ CHUCKLES ]

>> YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S CALLED?

>> WHAT?

>> A COINKY-DINK, DUMBASS!

>> THAT'S THE TECHNICAL TERM?

HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?

>> HERE'S HOW YOU SPELL IT.

"BOOM" AND "BOOM."

IT'S A COINCIDENCE.

>> I GUESS. I MEAN, IT JUST --

>> I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING.

I'M NOT KILLING THEM.

>> YEAH, NOT...DIRECTLY.

>> NO, NOT AT ALL.

YOU THINK I'M OUT THERE STABBING

PEOPLE WITH A KNIFE?

>> NO, NOT EXACTLY.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "NOT

EXACTLY"?!

>> WELL, NO, NOT AT ALL.

>> [ Chuckling ] NO, NOT AT ALL.

YOU'RE --

>> NO, YOU DON'T REALLY -- ARE

YOU NOT AWARE OF YOUR

SURROUNDINGS AS MUCH?

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

TALKING ABOUT.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE DIE. THE END.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> WHAT IS THIS PLACE, BY THE

WAY?

THIS IS NOT GREAT.

I'M GREAT.

>> YEAH, BUT THE VIEW -- I MEAN,

HOW IT OVERLOOKS THE CEMETERY.

>>OVERLOOK THE CEMETERY.

>> W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> LOOK AT ME!

I'M -- I'M OVER THE CEMETERY,

LOOKING AT IT.

WHAT'S MORE SPECIAL THAN ME

ABOUT THIS RESTAURANT, DUMBASS?

>> ANOTHER DRINK, PLEASE.

>> I' BETTER THAN DRINKING!

I KNOW -- SON OF GOD.

>> Both: WHAT?

>> I'M JESUS, SON OF GOD.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE STARING AT ME.

THANK YOU.

>> [ European accent ] WE'RE

LOOKING OUT AT THE VIEW.

>> [ SIGHS ]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

THIS PLACE IS CREEPY.

>> SO SORRY ABOUT HIM.

OH. WHOOPS.

[ SIGHS ]

>> HEY, LISTEN TO MY NEW SONG I

WROTE.

>> WHAT?

>> * LOOK AT ME WITH MY LONG

HAIR *

* LOOK AT ME, DON'T STARE

* DON'T STA-A-A-A-RE

>> MAN, HOW DO YOU PUT UP WITH

THAT GUY?

>> TELL ME ABOUT IT, BUDDY.

DAMN IT.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> Frankenstein: GOOD NEWS!

DEATHS ARE MYSTERIOUSLY ON THE

WAY UP.

HEALTHY HUMANS ARE DROPPING LIKE

FLIES.

DEATH MUST BE LEARNING A THING

OR TWO FROM JESUS.

>> OH, YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS

MORTALITY.

>> Frankenstein: IS THAT A

MUSTACHE?!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> BABY! BABY! ME!

OVER HERE! ME!

GEEZ, THEY DON'T -- I DON'T

THINK THEY RECOGNIZE ME.

>> OH, GOD.

ONE MORE SCREWDRIVER, PLEASE.

>> WOW.

YOU'RE DRINKING A LOT, AND I

LIKE IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU REMIND ME OF ME

WHEN I USED TO DRINK A LOT.

AND, MAN, THAT WAS AN

INTERESTING ME.

>> "ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME"!

>> WHAT?

>> IT'S ALL ABOUT JESUS, ISN'T

IT?!

>> YOU GOT A HAIR UP YOUR ASS.

WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

>> IT'S YOU.

>> WHAT ABOUT ME?

>> ANOTHER DRINK, PLEASE.

>> G-GET HIM ANOTHER DRINK.

MAKE IT A DOUBLE.

>> DO YOU CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT

YOU?

>> YES, I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT

OTHER...WHATCHAMACALLITS.

>> PEOPLE! OTHER PEOPLE!

>> YEAH, PEOPLE.

I KNOW WHAT A PEOPLE IS.

I AM A PEOPLE!

>> OTHE PEOPLE!

YOU ARE REALLY SOMETHING, YOU

KNOW THAT?

>> DRINK IT UP.

>> AH.

OHHH...

>> OH, HI! MAMA CASS!

LET ME BUY YOU A HAM SAMMICH.

COME ON.

I KNOW YOU WANT TO CHOKE ONE

DOWN.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

[ DOOR CREAKS ]

>> FINALLY, I'VE GOTCHA BY THE

SHORT HAIRS, COUNT JERKULA!

>> OH, HI, JOE.

HOW IS YOUR VAMPIRE-HUNTING

BUSINESS GOING, YOU CAD?!

>> WHAT THE SAM HILL --

PUT MY HEAD DOWN, YOU MORON!

>> WHAT THE HILL SAM?

>> Frankenstein: ALL RIGHT.

BRING ME THE X-RAY MACHINE.

>> Ygor: [ Laughing ] YOU GOT

IT.

[ BUZZING ]

>> Frankenstein: INTERESTING.

>> Polidori: HMM.

CAN YOU SEE THE CAUSE OF DEATH'S

DEATH?

>> Frankenstein: YES.

DEATH HAS DIED FROM THE LETHAL

COMBINATION OF VODKA AND JESUS.

>> Polidori: WELL, I PREFER

CRANBERRY, BUT, THEN AGAIN, I

GET BLADDER INFECTIONS.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> WOW. WHAT A GREAT TURN-OUT.

GREAT CROWD. GOOD-LOOKING CROWD.

I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL THAT I HAD

SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS,

BECAUSE NOT ONLY AM I

RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATH OF,

UH [CLICKS TONGUE]

WHAT'S-HIS-NAME OVER HERE, BUT

ALSO, I KNOW THAT MOST OF YOU

PROBABLY SHOWED UP BECAUSE YOU

HEARD OL' JESúS CHRISTOS WAS

GONNA SHOW UP IN THE FLESH.

AM I RIGHT? HUH? I'M GREAT!

>> Frankenstein: OH, B-ROTHER.

>> WOW. NOTHING FROM YOU GUYS.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

CHECK THIS OUT.

KA-BLAMMY! HA HA!

FISH -- TONS OF THEM.

>> [ COUGHS ]

>> OH. WOW.

TOUGH CROWD. TOUGH CROWD.

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

KEEP YOUR EYE ON MY MOUTH.

HMM. ONE BITE.

I ATE -- I ATE ALL THE FISH IN

ONE DAMN BITE.

WHAT DO I GOT TO DO WITH YOU

GUYS?

>> YOU'RE DYING UP THERE!

>> [ Chuckling ] YEAH, I WISH.

THAT'S -- THAT'S WHAT GOT ME ON

EVERYBODY'S GOOD SIDE TO BEGIN

WITH, YOU KNOW.

THAT'S MY BEST TRICK!

I -- [ GASPS ]

[ DING! ]

>> DEATH!

HANG ON A SECOND.

I NEED TO GET SERIOUS FOR HALF A

SECOND.

GET THE HELL UP!

>> HUH? WHAT?

>> HEY, TOUCH ME.

I'M GONNA GO OUT WITH THIS.

>> YO NEED ME?

>> JUST TOUCH ME.

THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

>> WELL, ALL RIGHT.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

>> UNH!

[ ALL GASP ]

>> WELL, UM, HE WILL BE MISSED.

UH, THE FIRST TIME I MET

JESUS --

>> HELLO!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ ALL GASP ]

HELLO!

>> OH, YOU JUST CAN'T KEEP THIS

BONEHEAD DOWN!

>> HEY, WHO YOU CALLING A

BONEHEAD, DUMBASS?

>> WHY, YOU! I OUGHTA --

>> HELLO!

* BACK ON MY FEET

* AND DOIN' A DANCE

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> HELLO!

HELLO!

HELLO!

HELLO!

HELLO!

HELLO!

>> Frankenstein: YAY!

HOO-HOO-HOO!

HOORAY!

YOU SEE, MOM?

NOW, THAT'S A FUNERAL!

A MUSTACHE?!