Original subtitles

[ HORNS HONKING ]

>> Frankenstein: CARS.

CONFOUND THESE MODERN

CONTRAPTIONS!

>> YES, BUT, DARLING, COULDN'T

YOU SPEED UP JUST A TEENSY BIT

MORE?

I'M HUNGRY.

>> Frankenstein: HUNGRY ENOUGH

FOR HOSPITAL FOOD?

HMM?

[ Singsong voice ] BECAUSE

THAT'S WHAT WE'LL BE EATING IF I

TRY SOMETHING DANGEROUS -- LIKE

ACCELERATING!

>> BUT WE'VE BEEN ON OUR WAY TO

DINNER FOR WEEKS NOW.

[ ENGINE REVS ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> Frankenstein: CAREFUL, YOU

RECKLESS HOOLIGAN!

>> [ LAUGHS ]

I HAD A FEELING IT WAS YOU

DRIVING THIS LAME JALOPY,

VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN.

THAT OR MY DEAF, BLIND, OLD

GRANDMAMA!

[ LAUGHS ]

AND SHE'S DEAD!

[ LAUGHS ]

LIKE DOORKNOB.

HEY, BABY, WHY DON'T YOU COME

TAKE A RIDE IN A MAN'S CAR

SOMETIME?

[ ENGINE REVS ]

[ BATS CHITTERING ]

>> MMMMM...

>> Frankenstein: OH, PUH-LEASE.

>> YEAH, I JUST TUNED THIS BABY

UP FOR THE BIG MONSTER RALLY.

>> Frankenstein: HMPH!

THAT STUPID RACE.

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK RACERS ARE KIND OF...

SEXY.

>> Frankenstein: WHAT?!

EVERYONE KNOWS THERE'S NOTHING

SEXIER THAN A SCIENTIST!

>> HEY, LITTLE CHICKY CHICKEN.

WANT SOME FOOD HERE?

I GIVE YOU A LITTLE CORN,

YOU LITTLE CHICKEN.

>> Frankenstein: UM...NO, THANK

YOU?

IS THIS A CHICKEN THING?

I -- ARE YOU CALLING ME A

CHICKEN?!

I SERIOUSLY CAN'T TELL!

>> YOU'RE RIGHT, ACTUALLY.

HE I A CHICKEN.

[ CHICKEN SQUAWKS ]

>> Frankenstein: THAT GUY REALLY

ROASTS MY ASS!

>> MMM. [ SMACKS LIPS ]

ROAST CHICKEN.

[ SIZZLE! ]

>> Frankenstein: WHY ARE YOU

LOOKING AT ME THAT WAY?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

[ BATS CHITTER ]

>> [ SHIVERS ]

SO POWERFUL.

>> Frankenstein: FINE!

I'LL ENTER THE STUPID RACE --

AND WIN!

I'LL PROVE TO YOU AND THE WORLD

HOW SEXY I R-R-R-REALLY AM!

[ THUNDER CRASHES ]

>> [ SCREECHES ]

>> [ HOWLS ]

>> * BEYOND SPACE AND TIME

* STRANGER THAN THE SOUL

* IS THE WORLD

* DEEP INSIDE THE FRANKENHOLE

>> AAH!

>> * LEAVE ALL HOPE BEHIND

* GIVE UP ALL CONTROL

* TAKE MY HAND

* WE'RE GOING DOWN THE

FRANKENHOLE *

>> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

>> THIS IS FORMER HOWARD COSELL.

WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

TO THIS YEAR'S MONSTER RALLY.

HERE TO GO OVER THE RULES,

PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO

LARRY BIRD.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> THANK YOU.

MEN, YOU KNOW ME FROM MY PROWESS

ON THE BASKETBALL COURT.

BUT, LADIES, YOU PROBABLY KNOW

ME BETTER FROM MY FAMOUS PICKUP

LINE, "HI. I'M LARRY BIRD.

WANNA DO ME?"

>> MOVE IT ALONG, LARRY.

>> YEAH.

UH, WELL, NOW IT'S TIME TO

EXPLAIN THE RULES OF THE RACE.

THIS WILL BE A RACE THROUGH

TIME AND SPACE.

FOR EVERY SINGLE YEAR, YOU MUST

DRIVE A LAP AROUND THE EARTH,

BEGINNING IN THE PHANEROZOIC

EON, AND YOU WILL FINISH RIGHT

BACK HERE IN THIS SPOT,

HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF YEARS

LATER, HERE IN THE PRESENT DAY,

3032 A.D.

>> [ SIGHS ]

I-IT'S MY WEEKEND WITH THE KIDS.

[ CHILDREN SCREAMING ]

[ WHIMPERING ]

[ AH-OOGAH! ]

>> Frankenstein: I'LL SHOW YOU

SEXY.

>> HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY

SARCOPHA-BUS?

I'D TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT MORE

ABOUT IT, BUT I'M "ALL WRAPPED

UP" RIGHT NOW.

NYUK! NYUK! NYUK!

>> [ LAUGHS DEEPLY ]

RA IS PLEASED BY THIS!

>> Frankenstein: OH, BOY.

>> VICTOR, THIS IS MY SUN GOD,

RA.

HE'S MY COPILOT.

SEE?

I'D TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT MORE

ABOUT RA, BUT I'M "ALL WRAPPED

UP" RIGHT NOW.

NYUK! NYUK! NYUK!

>> [ LAUGHS DEEPLY ]

YOU HONOR RA!

>> OH, VICTOR!

YOU SHOWED!

NOW MY TRIUMPH WILL TASTE DOUBLY

SWEET PAIRED WITH YOUR DEFEAT.

RIGHT, DOM DeLUISE?

>> YOU DEFEAT?

YOU SHOULD SEE THE DE-FEET AT

THE END OF MY DE-LEGS --

ESPECIALLY AFTER A PEDOPHILE!

[ LAUGHING ]

>> IT'S NOT -- IT'S PEDICURE.

>> DON'T HIT ME!

I SWEAR TO GOD I CAN GET IT

RIGHT.

ARE WE STILL ROLLING?

YOUR DEFEAT?

YOU SHOULD SEE DE-FEET AT THE

END OF MY DE-LONGS!

I DON'T -- WHAT'S A DE-LONG?

[ LAUGHING ]

>> IF I COULD DIE, I WOULD KILL

MYSELF.

>> YOU DEFEAT?

YOU SHOULD SEE THE DE-FEET AT

THE END OF MY DE-LEGS --

ESPECIALLY AFTER A [ Laughing ]

PEDICURE.

>> NICE PUN!

I'M ALSO REALLY "WRAPPED UP" IN

THE WHOLE PUN THING, TOO.

NYUK! NYUK!

>> [ LAUGHS DEEPLY ]

YOU HONOR RA AGAIN!

>> Frankenstein: THIS RACE CAN'T

START FAST ENOUGH.

>> DRIVERS, START YOUR ENGINES!

[ ENGINES REVVING ]

[ NO AUDIO ]

>> VICTOR!

YOO-HOO!

>> Frankenstein: ELIZABETH, GET

OFF THE TRACK!

>> WELL, YOU SILLY GOOSE.

I'M COMING WITH YOU.

>> AND THEY'RE OFF!

>> DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT!

>> Frankenstein: THIS ISN'T A

BEVERLY HILLS SHOPPING SPREE,

YOU KNOW.

>> GO!

>> Frankenstein: DON'T

BACKSEAT-DRIVE!

[ BRAKES SQUEAK ]

[ ENGINE SPUTTERS ]

>> EAT MY MOTOR DUST!

[ ENGINE REVS ]

>> HA HA!

I'VE GOT YOU ALL LICKED!

DEAR LORD, NO!

A FULL MOON!

>> AND THE WOLFMAN HAS

TRANSFORMED INTO A WOLF.

>> [ GARGLING ]

>> AND THE WOLFMOBILE HAS

TRANSFORMED INTO A WASHING

MACHINE FOR SOME REASON.

>> SPEED IT UP!

FASTER!

LOOK -- EVEN THE ANIMALS ARE

EVOLVING FASTER THAN YOU'RE

DRIVING!

[ CREATURE CHITTERS ]

>> Frankenstein: SINCE WHEN DO

YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT RACING,

TOMMY?

>> WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME TOMMY?

>> Frankenstein: WELL, Y-YOU

KNOW -- RACER -- ANDRETTI.

>> IT'S MARIO ANDRETTI.

>> Frankenstein: OH, IS THAT

RIGHT?

WELL, SINCE YOU KNOW SO

MUCH ABOUT RACING,

MRS. MR. MARIO ANDRETTI, MAYBE

YOU SHOULD JUST TAKE THE WHEEL

AND SHOW ME HOW IT'S DONE.

>> I THINK THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW A MAN RACES.

[ TIRES SQUEAL ]

>> Frankenstein: ISN'T IT SEXY

HOW I'M LETTING YOU WIN THE RACE

FOR ME?

[ BLINK! BLINK! ]

DO YOU SEE WHERE YOUR

ENERGY-GUZZLING HOT-RODDING HAS

GOTTEN US?

OUT OF GAS.

>> WE'RE IN A RACE!

>> Frankenstein: OH, WILL YOU

SHUT UP WITH THAT?

YOUR WHINING HAS CAST A BLACK

CLOUD OVER THIS ENTIRE TRIP.

HOW ABOUT SOME APPRECIATION FOR

A HUSBAND WHO CAN GET YOU SOME

GAS WHEN THERE ISN'T A SERVICE

STATION FOR THE NEXT

HUNDRED MILLION YEARS?!

DON'T JUST FOLD YOUR ARMS.

I WANT YOU TO GET TURNED ON --

THE WAY YOU DO WITH DRACULA.

>> OH, YOU KNOW I'M ALWAYS...

TURNED ON BY YOU.

>> Frankenstein: WELL, LET'S

CHECK.

>> OOH!

>> Frankenstein: AHA! I KNEW IT!

DRY AS A...BONE.

>> [ GROWLS ]

[ ROARS ]

[ SCREAMS ]

[ WHIMPERS ]

>> Frankenstein: [ WHISTLING ]

[ LIQUID TRICKLING ]

[ BEEP ]

>> FINALLY!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> OH, GOOD HEAVENS!

>> AH!

I KNEW IT MUST HAVE BEEN

ELIZABETH IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT

WHEN I NOTICED THE DRIVING

BECAME MANLIER!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Frankenstein: I DON'T NEED

HER TO WIN THIS RACE!

>> OH, IS THAT RIGHT?

>> HOW ABOUT HOPPING IN HERE

WITH US, SWEETCAKES?

[ ENGINE REVS ]

[ BATS CHITTER ]

>> AHH...

OH!

>> Frankenstein: TROLLOP.

>> MAYBE I WILL, SINCE YOU DON'T

NEED ME.

[ ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH ]

[ BAT LAUGHS ]

>> Frankenstein: THAT'S IT.

I'LL SHOW THEM FAST CAR DRIVING!

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER, REVS ]

HMM.

THIS IS...KIND OF FUN.

[ ENGINE REVS ]

AHA! [ LAUGHS ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

>> WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?

>> AH, WE'RE SO FAR AHEAD, I

THOUGHT MAYBE WE STOP HERE IN

13th-CENTURY MANHATTAN AND SEE

SOME SIGHTS.

OH, LOOK -- IS EMPIRE STATE

BUILDING WHEN WAS JUST A LITTLE

BABY!

THAT'S SO ADORABLE!

>> OH, LOOK!

THERE'S AN ITSY-BITSY KING KONG

ON TOP!

>> BEE BOO BOP BOO BEEP!

>> Frankenstein: NINJA ATTACK!

>> [ GASPS ] V-V-VICTOR?

>> OKAY, IT'S ON, TRICKY

BITCHES!

>> OH!

[ BOTH GRUMBLING ]

[ BICYCLE BELL RINGS ]

>> AAAAAAH!

>> EH!

[ GRUMBLES ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

[ BICYCLE BELL RINGS ]

[ WHISTLE BLOWING ]

[ VEHICLE APPROACHES ]

>> AAAAH!

>> OOH!

>> OH!

[ TIRES SCREECH ]

[ BICYCLE BELL RINGS ]

>> AAAH!

[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]

>> AND THEY'RE BACK!

IT'S DRACULA AND

VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN IN A DEAD

HEAT FOR THE FINISH LINE.

BUT WAIT!

WHAT'S DRACULA'S TEAM DOING?

>> Frankenstein: OH HO!

TRYING TO TRIP ME UP WITH THESE

[GULPS] HOT DOGS, EH, DRACULA?

WELL [GULPS] LITTLE DO YOU KNOW

THAT HOT DOGS [GULPS] ARE

[GULPS] MY [GULPS] FAVORITE

FOOD!

[ ENGINE REVS ]

>> [ SMOOCHES ]

[ ENGINE REVS ]

>> AND IT'S VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN

FIRST ACROSS THE FINISH LINE!

>> Frankenstein: THANK YOU!

OH!

AND LOOK WHO IS TOO SHEEPISH TO

CONGRATULATE ME!

>> EH, EH, EH.

>> Frankenstein: FLEEING FROM ME

IN SHAME!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> HE'S NOT FLEEING FROM YOU IN

SHAME, VICTOR.

HE'S RUNNING IN THE FOOT RACE.

>> Frankenstein: UH, FOOT? RACE?

[ Echoing ] FOOT RACE!

>> * RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN,

RUN, RUN *

* RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN,

RUN *

* RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN,

RUN *

* RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN,

RUN *

* YEAH

>> Frankenstein: [ LAUGHS ]

WELL, HOWARD, IT WAS A TOUGH

RACE, BUT --

>> YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE EATING,

YOU FOOL!

>> Frankenstein: AHA. YES.

WELL, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL VICTORY

FEAST, BUT AFTER ALL THOSE HOT

DOGS --

>> BUT THIS IS THE FINAL LEG OF

THE RALLY -- THE EATING CONTEST.

>> Frankenstein: EATING CONTEST?

OH, MY GOD.

THOSE HOT DOGS!

I CAN'T EAT ANOTHER BITE!

>> BUT I KNOW SOMEONE WHO CAN!

BEHOLD...

MY SECRET WEAPON!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> Frankenstein: WHAT TO DO?!

I CAN'T OUT-EAT THAT GUY!

THINK! THINK!

[ GASPS ]

BEVERLY HILLS...

NINJA...

BLACK...

SHEEP...

TOMMY...

BOY...

WAIT A MINUTE!

I GOT IT! THE ANSWER!

IT WAS RIGHT THERE ALL ALONG!

CHRIS FARLEY!

>> [ SNIFFS ]

FOO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-D!

[ MUNCHING ]

>> AND NOW WE'VE GOT AN EATING

CONTEST!

LOOK AT THOSE LITTLE MONKEYS

CHEW AND SWALLOW!

UNBELIEVABLE!

CHRIS IS ACTUALLY ORDERING MORE

FOOD.

EAT, MONKEY, EAT!

AND THE FLY HAS JUST COME IN

AND VOMITED ON HIS OWN FOOD.

AND FARLEY MIMICS THE FLY!

>> [ VOMITS ]

>> AND FARLEY EATS THE FLY AND

TAKES THE LEAD.

>> Frankenstein: LOOK AT ME GO!

I'M WINNING THE RALLY!

>> COME ON, DeLUISE!

VOMIT, LIKE THE OTHER GUY!

>> [ GAGS ]

IT'S NO USE.

I COULD NEVER THROW UP.

MY DUMB, FAT BODY JUST REFUSES

TO LET FOOD GO BYE-BYE.

I CAN'T EVEN MAKE A POOPY.

[ BUZZER ]

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE

CHAMPION OF THE MONSTER RALLY

IS...

VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Frankenstein: WHOO!

[ LAUGHS ]

I WON!

>> OOH, I LOVE YOU,

VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN.

OHH. MM.

>> Frankenstein: [ CHUCKLES ]

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> * I KNOW YOU

>> * QUITE WELL

>> * IT'S TIME WE SAID

>> * FAREWELL

>> * ON SUNDAY, I'LL BREAK THE

NEWS *

* THIS TIME FOR SURE, I'M DONE

WITH YOU *

* EVERY DAY

* OOH, OOH